AUSTRALIA EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS WITH LEWIS HAMILTON AND VALTTERI BOTTAS FEELING MANLY? TAKE OUR BLOKE TEST STEP ASIDE LADIES,THE KITCHEN IS MAN’S TERRITORY ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH FOR FIFTY SHADES OF KINKY? COULD YOU HANDLE YOUR DREAM JOB? CAN YOU HANDLE 50 SHADES OF GREY INSPIRED SEX? FHMAUSTRALIA.COM AUST$ 4.99 08164 9 771562 469000 TRACY LEAR VIKING PRINCESS, COUNTRY GIRL AND E-COMMERCE BOSS SELENE COLLECTION The moon goddess Selene gleamed throughout the lands of ancient Greece and captivated the hearts of poets, authors and orators. Selene became as much a symbol of the magniﬁcent night as the proverbial light in the darkness. 18ct White Gold Baguette and Round Diamond Collection Nelson Mandela Square Gateway Theatre of Shopping firstname.lastname@example.org www.bellagiojewellers.co.za +27 (0)11 782 4062 +27 (0)31 566 2527 bellagio_jewellers @BellagioLuxury 3 THINGS THAT WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MONTH 2018 SUPER RUGBY SEASON 17 February 2018 – 04 August 2018 THE TEAM IT’S GREAT TO BE A MAN Publisher & CEO – Dirk Steenekamp Sales Director - Pieter Lourens Creative Director – Jodie Graves Digital and Client Manager – Lexi Robb The 2018 Super Rugby season is the 23rd season of Super Rugby, Managing Editor – Gina DuPont an annual rugby union competition organised by SANZAAR between Grooming Editor – Greg Forbes teams from Argentina, Australia, Japan, New Zealand and South Africa. Gaming Editor – Andre Coetzer FLOATFEST Tech Editor – Peter Wolff 07 - 08 April 2018 Illustrations Editor – Toon53 Prod. Floatfest is a family focused event attempting to break a World Record Motoring Editor – John Page Attempt for the largest number of floating kayaks and canoes by “Paddling into the Record Books”. The weekend also encompasses Features Editor - Samantha Jack fun for the kids with “Come and try” canoeing, Houseboats open for Senior Photographer – Charlemagne Olivier inspection, lots of fun and activities for all, stalls, markets, regional food, Senior Photo Editor – Luba V Nel and much, much more. Venue: Sturt Reserve BBQ Facilities, Murray Bridge, Australia Senior Designer - Socrates Christodoulou Time: 10am – 4pm Cost: $12.60 – $17.70 (Online registration essential) JULIA CREEK DIRT N DUST FESTIVAL For more information: Phone: 010 006 0051 Julia Creek Dirt n Dust Festival features a display of horse races, bull Address: Fourways Office Park, Cnr. Fourways Boulevard and Roos Street, Fourways, Sandton, 2055 rides, live music, Australia’s Best Butt competition and novelty events Email: email@example.com Venue: Townsville, Queensland, Australia Web: http://www.fhmaustralia.com/ 13 - 15 April 2018 Time: 9am – 6pm Cost: $35 - $80 Facebook: @fhmAustralia Twitter: @fhmaus Instagram: fhm_australia FHM Australia is published by Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd in South Africa for Australia. Material in this publication, including text and images, is protected by copyright. It may not be copied, reproduced, republished, posted, broadcast, or transmitted in any way without written consent of Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd. The views and opinions expressed in FHM Australia by the contributors may not represent the views of the publishers. Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd as well as its employees accept no responsibility for any loss that may be suffered by any person who relies totally or partially upon any information, description, or pictures contained herein. Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd is not liable for any mistake, misprint, or typographic errors. All prices shown are in AUD. Any submissions to FHM Australia become the property of Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd. 2 APRIL 2018 CONTENTS 04/18 Spoiler alert! LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S IN THE ISSUE Neon food? Has to be Heston p40 Kentucky booze trail p60 Fifty shades of pain… p20 Lewis Hamilton returns to F1 p72 The best kind of dogs p44 This month’s FHM Girlfriend, Tracy Lear pg p28 ACCESS FEATURES 20 SEX, 50 SHADES-STYLE 28 FHM GIRLFRIEND A shotgun guide to bondage from Dirty Sanchez’s Matt Pritchard, before the steamiest film of the year gives your girlfriend some ideas… 44 COOK KILLER CORN DOGS Our record-spinning, meat-searing foodmaster, DJ BBQ, teaches you how to make a tasty US classic. 96 THE FINAL COUNTDOWN 10 things that will always be funny - it’s a proven fact. Scandinavian princess, country girl, boss and e-commerce beauty queen, meet Tracy Lear. 68 KING OF THE WHIP The country’s top Motocross and Freestyle Motocross riders gathered to compete head-to-head for the 2018 King of the Whip title. 36 COULD YOU… Run a brilliant brewery? Start your own wrestling federation? Write a best-seller? Guys who have taken the plunge tell you how you can do the same (and not go bankrupt in the process). 90 A MAN’S GUIDE TO BAKING The time’s come: roll up those sleeves, flour all the surfaces and get ready to be intimate with some dough. Baking is, at long last, manly. Man, meet mixer p90 UPGRADE 72 LEWIS HAMILTON His return to the track and the all new F1 W09 EQ Power+. 60 KENTUCKY BOOZE TRAIL FHM makes a pilgrimage to some of the Deep South’s most underground drinking holes. Cue wobbly legs, ‘ice chefs’ and drunken gambling. 80 THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP Unlock the secrets of snooze town – you’ll never fall asleep at work again. APRIL 2018 3 LETTERS 04/18 From around the globe Girls on TV Recently my TV broke down and, as FHM is my go-to place for entertainment, I thought I would make it the focal point in my living room. Now, myself and my guests can browse all of the interesting topics and pics your mag has to offer. Still, a working TV would be nice. Steve Sloan We would, Steve, but we can’t help but feel that this is a vast improvement on the majority of what’s on TV at the moment, anyway. Nice metal poodle, though. searched river banks and swift waters, aided swimmers and kayakers and rescued lots of animals from all manner of inaccessible places. Every single one of them deserves an MBE. Scott Yessen, via email They certainly do, Scott. Remember: if you’ve managed to do something brave, incredible or just downright impressive, tell us about it on Twitter with the hashtag #GETONIT. Give the men a medal The Real Mountain Men was a great read. These rescue teams consist of amazing individuals – all unpaid volunteers who are available at all times of the day and night in ANY weather, 365 days a year, to help those in distress and lost on the mountains. They recover climbers, reunite lost walkers, ensure that injured and sick casualties have been treated and transported into hospital care, found missing children and vulnerable adults, 4 APRIL 2018 Don’t talk to me about heroes I’m a Liverpool fan, and used to watch the players train. FHM Hero Steve McManaman was just leaving, and there were rumours he was moving abroad. I asked him, “Are you gonna stay or go?”, and he said he had no idea. Days later, I found out he had signed for Real Madrid. Your feature bought back some painful memories. Sean Nash via email ‘Yes’ man I had a good laugh reading Would you Rather?. Here’s some more: Would you rather have no one turn up to your wedding or funeral? Would you rather have a rewind button in your life or a pause button? Would you rather be stuck in a lift with two wet dogs or two fat men with bad breath? My answers would be ‘yes’ each time! Stefan, via email Yes to each one? We’re not sure you’ve got the hang of this game, Stefan. present, keep nose and ear hair in check, have a platonic female friend, lose an argument, unhook a bra, make smalltalk… the list goes on! Geoff Hughes To be honest, Geoff, you should have pinned down a few of those long ago. Labour of Keeley love Don’t get me wrong: I am thankful to Ed Miliband for popping this useful little calendar through my letter box – he’s probably a very busy bloke and I appreciate the effort. But he’s going to have to try a lot harder in order to knock FHM off of my hallowed wall-space. Perhaps a little more Keeley Hazell would do it. Mark, via Instagram We can’t blame you for choosing Keeley over Ed. Not only does she (probably) look better in hot pants, she’d be likely to beat him at a chip-eating contest. The training continues... The How To special was right. We know how to deal with pain, we can maybe choose a new best friend, reboot our desk, be the boss in the kitchen and be romantic, but there’s a hell of a lot that we can’t do. For example: say sorry and mean it, do laundry, dance, buy a great Letter of the month A veteran speaks I have been reading your magazines for over 10 years and have loved every single one. When I was in the military and deployed in 20052006, there were countless times your magazine got me and my comrades through a 12-hour shift on duty. Now, 10 years later, I still read it every month, and collect them all to read again. Anyway, keep up the fantastic work. Speaking as a veteran, I know first-hand the product you put out makes troops happy every month. Rob, via email It’s good to know our endless fart jokes are making a difference, Rob. Thanks to all the readers in the armed forces who regularly get in touch. You guys are genuinely important to us. FHMManFood of the month Our star-spangled grill chef DJ BBQ is hurling a big US high-five and a crate of BrewDog Punk IPA to @walshimus as a reward for his great-looking chimichurri roast-chicken tacos. Here’s what impressed him: “You’ve got a bunch of jalapeños with the warmth of a thousand woolly jumpers, and there’s the raddest, freshest chimichurri sauce this side of Mexico City. Bro-dawg, you’ve truly blown my mind. I bow down to your tacomaking wizardry.” SHOW US YOUR MAN FOOD! Every month, we select the greatest culinary triumphs that have been submitted on Twitter and Instagram and give the chefs some lovely booze for all their hard work. Are you the king of crisp sandwiches? Did you make incredible pulled pork last weekend? Then show us with the hashtag #FHMManFood for a chance to win. Send us your letters... Do you have something insightful to say about the magazine? Well tell us about it already! SEND YOUR LETTERS TO: firstname.lastname@example.org @fhmAustralia APRIL 2018 5 Get inspired PAUL HEWITT, 38, BRIGHTON, OWNER OF THE AONO BARBER/STREETWEAR BRAND As soon as I was allowed in bars and clubs, I started working in them. It probably wasn’t where my mum and dad saw me, and my lifestyle got to a point where my dad sat me down and said, “Listen, no more messing about now”. I got introduced to a hairdresser named Mark Wooley shortly after that, and the moment hit. I looked at him, realised he was really cool, owned a Porsche, had four salons, was super-creative, and had everything going for him. I thought that was the way I wanted to go. Vinnie Morey owns The Proper Barbershop in LA. He gave me the chance to work under him, and it changed everything. He’s a mentor and a good friend. My go-to guy. What sums up my teenage years? Joyriding around the suburbs, in my tiny town. I thought I got away with it, until I was about 30. Turns out, my parents knew the whole time. Having to tell you wife you’ve pretty much lost everything is not cool. I’d invested all that I had into this one summer event in Brighton. The day we set up, we got hit with one of the worst storms on record. That almost destroyed AONO. It was a fail even before we opened. Amazingly, soon after our first big international clothing order came through. It was big enough to cover everything we lost. That made it better. The streetwear side of the business started in 2011. Put simply, I couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to wear, so made my own. When I was younger, I’d get a new pair of Jordans every month. Back then, you had to be ‘in the know’ to find all the right stuff: books, trainers and kit. I’d have to make my parents drive up to the proper dodgy parts of London to get them. A little kid from the suburbs of Southampton shouldn’t have been there, that’s all I know. In my late teens, I had a job stripping wire out of cables. I lasted a week. The real show-stopping tattoos came at 26. Y’know, the full sleeves, chest and hands. That was always going to push me further and further away from getting a 9–5 office job. I own loads of skateboards. And foam hands. And a giant whoopee cushion outfit. And other stuff that my wife really hates. I employ people who have a will to learn. They must have the right attitude and a good work ethic. Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill taught me how to get rid of the negative and see everything positively. It’s a big thing for me. You need to stay positive or everything will fall apart. A long time ago, I started losing my hair. Hence the head tattoo. I also have a fine array of hats. One of my hats once caused a four-year-old kid to ask me if I was a sheriff. Of course, I told him yes. Getting the top of my head tattooed was the most horrific pain I’ve felt. It’s kind of like getting tattooed through your but hole, out of your eyes and on to the top of your head. It broke me. It took 11 hours to finish it. Fatherhood changes your entire outlook. The selfishness disappears like a lightbulb being switched off. You realise you’re there to make your kids survive. Being a dad is a full-on, awesome job. But nothing will ever prepare you for having your first child. No books, no nothing. At about 6am, I get up with the kids. Then I walk to work, start at 9:30am, go through to 8pm, walk home and then get into bed by midnight. Stay the course, be happy, look after your family. I learned that from my father. He’s always bloody right. I’ve heard some incredible stuff from people while cutting their hair. We’ve had drug dealers sat next to top criminal lawyers. We’ve had scruff bags who turn out to be multi-millionaires. We’ve had musicians I’ve never heard of, musicians I have heard of, pro skaters, special forces, models, directors… You don’t know who’s coming through the door. I’m waiting for the day I cut Jay Z’s hair, though. Long hair is coming back. Trust me, I know that for a fact. 8 APRIL 2018 PHOTOGRAPHY: FRED MACGREGOR Herman Munster approves of Paul’s rad haircuts. APRIL 2018 9 The big question AM I MAN ENOUGH FOR FIFTY SHADES-STYLE SEX? Get clued up in the art of bondage before you other half reveals her new toolbox of sadistic sex toys… Any guesses what last year’s most-watched film trailer was? And the year before that? Perhaps the next instalment of record-breaking sci-fi classic Star Wars? Or the reboot of box- office dinosaur smash Jurassic Park? Not even close. It was, of course, the movie that’s turning girls around the world into sweaty, quivering wrecks: Fifty Shades of Grey and its merry band of follow up movies. The first movie racked up a staggering36 million hits (roughly the population of Poland) in just five days as bondage-hungry viewers logged on to catch a first look. The books by EL James, which have sold more than 100 million copies, brought about the ‘Fifty Shades Effect’. Passages such as this one about ‘jiggle balls’ helped sales of the ancient Asian sex toy to rocket by 400%: “I felt the balls move and bump against each other inside me. By the time I was standing up my breath was coming in quiet gasps, and my nipples were hard as pebbles beneath my dress”. So, before its initial release on 13 February 2014, we enlisted Dirty Sanchez pain junkie Matt Pritchard (who often pulls fish hooks out of his own ear) and model Maeve Madden to get to grips with a bondage beginner kit, so you know exactly what to expect when the lights go down and the spank paddle comes out... 10 APRIL 2018 Hot-as-hell whipsmacker: Maeve Madden Pain-junkie tester: Matt Pritchard DRIPPING CANDLE Drip this low-heatmelting wax on to your partner for a warming sensation similar to the blood rushing around your body before sex. Pritchard: “It smells like Play-Doh, and now it looks like King Kong’s jizzed on me. It’s so greasy that I can’t pick up anything without dropping it.” Maeve: “It’s fun, in a ‘Hey, this is different’ kind of way. The dripping is sexy, but massaging the wax is just messy.” SPANK PADDLE BONDAGE TAPE BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS The starter kit you’ll need to get kinky, as recommended by top sex-toy site playkinky.com EASY DOES IT Fetish Fantasy bondage tape Black Rose Kinky Kuffs Spanking the area between the ass and the thigh can arouse the genitals for both men and women. Pritchard: “It’s like a welling pain that sort of throbs, and my arse is definitely red raw. It makes a hell of a noise, too. I think she’s getting into this.” Maeve: “This is my favourite! I love this paddle – I really feel like I’m in control, and I like it.” A survey conducted in Quebec, Canada revealed that 46% of men consider being tied up a major sexual fantasy. Pritchard: “Man, I do feel totally helpless. I dunno why people get into this sort of stuff, but if it’s to feel absolutely powerless, then it’s working.” Maeve: “Yep, this is fun. I can do whatever I like! Someone pass me my spank paddle…” VIXEN VINES Fetish Fantasy spreader bar NIPPLEPS CLAM Black Rose Forbidden Flower mouth bit PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. MODEL: MAEVE MADDEN AT BODY LONDON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: BOBBI AT LHA Aqua Rose massage candle Fetish fantasy feather nipple clamps Black Rose Sultry Spanker The endorphins released during sex are also released when you experience short, sharp pain such as a whipping. Pritchard: “Argh, that’s the one. The pain spreads out like machine-gun bullets in the arse. She keeps getting me in the knackers too, which kills.” Maeve: “I wish it made an Indiana Jones whip-crack. It’s good, but not as easy to control as the paddle.” When stimulated correctly, male nipples can transmit sensations to the brain much like the ones from your groin. Pritchard: “After a minute or so the pain builds, but I’ve done worse. For a proper rush, use a big bulldog clip. Don’t rip the things off, though, or your nip will go with it.” Maeve: “There’s no pleasure in these for me. I’m not getting anything, so I’m not feeling it.” Black Rose Vixen Vines HARDCORE Watch Pritchard test bulldog clips on YouTube.com/FHM APRIL 2018 11 12 APRIL 2018 Linda Steadman Whether she is whipping up something delicious in the kitchen or going off on an adventure, this beauty makes sure that she is living her life to the fullest. APRIL 2018 13 14 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 15 Tell us a bit about yourself, Linda. I’m tall but incredibly fearful of flights. I once cried on a private that was a supposed to be a special surprise. What is your biggest fear then? Is that your biggest? My biggest fear is that I don’t reach my full potential. How do you cope with that? I love to dress up depending on my moods, I’m definitely a character - I feel like I’m not missing out on anything and it keeps me timeless. If you weren’t modelling what would you be doing? Messing with people’s heads is my passion (psychology), but I also want to begin dabbling in real estate. What other professions are you interested in? I’m a chef and hoping to come out with my own cooking show soon. You must watch a lot of cooking shows then? I don’t watch television, I believe a lot of it is a lot of bull, but I wouldn’t refuse a role in something if offered. Hypocritical? Yes, and if my show gets a station I won’t complain. What was the craziest thing that has happened to you while travelling? I was once proposed to after one dinner with a gentleman while in Senegal. What’s the craziest fun thing you have ever done? Maybe not crazy, but kind of dumb. My best friend and I left a homecoming game back in high school and found a waterfall of bubbles that someone obviously put in there earlier. We jumped in with our cheerleading uniforms and had a bubble fight. I lost my car keys while looking for it and the fire department came - they didn’t think it was very funny nor did our parents, but we still laugh about it to this day. What was your biggest insecurity growing up? I used to hate being tall but now I love having long, silky, chocolate legs. What else comes to mind when thinking about getting older? Figuring out what would be the perfect life - where I want to settle down or how. Sometimes I want to live in a penthouse overlooking New York, or a bungalow in Venice. Sometimes a countryside farm away from everyone, or a cosy cottage in France. All require a lot of money, so I guess I have a little more time. Is money something important in a partner? Money is definitely important in a man. I want a man that is able to support us. I will work, but there is nothing wrong with something a little old fashioned. I want my man to be the bread winner. Intelligence is also important. I want to be challenged mentally on a daily basis. You should constantly be challenged; that’s how you exercise your mind Do you exercise anything else? I like to exercise everything, but you’ll never catch me in a gym. I love an adventure - the more physical the better. For more on Linda, follow her on Instagram @highendzlin 16 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 17 18 APRIL 2018 “Believe me, it’s the most brilliant movie. These sharks come out of the ocean and invade Earth – loads of great whites working their way through the streets, attacking people. It’s bad, but in a really fantastic way.” Heston Blumenthal is answering the first and most-obvious question you ask anyone who’s just flown halfway round the planet. We’re not sure what we were expecting when we asked how he passed the time on his flight to Australia: maybe he’d been busy preparing one of the 600 recipes he says he has on the go at any one time, or catching up on some of the sleep he’s been deprived of for the past 20 years while running the five award-winning restaurants that earned him six Michelin stars. Apparently, when BAFTA-nominated, Queen-feeding, bookwriting, rule-breaking chefs are at 11000m, they settle down to watch B-movie disaster fare such as Sharknado. Obviously, we should’ve known to expect the unexpected from Heston. The man who serves snail porridge, bacon-and-egg ice cream and dildo jelly to high-paying diners is sat across from FHM in postcard-perfect Voyager Estate vineyard, a few hours from Perth, Western Australia. It’s hot. It’s taken 20 hours to get here. Among elegant ladies in summer dresses and sharp-looking gents in suits and cologne, Heston’s day-old stubble and those glasses (now as iconic as Jamie’s Essex swag or Gordon’s colourful bollockings) have him standing out from the crowd. And that we’re now talking about tornadoes filled with killer sharks as enthusiastically as boys in a playground just makes it all the more, well, bizarre. This teenage excitement over shark films isn’t the only boyish quality that becomes apparent as we talk. He has a shyness that creeps through every now and again, the impeccable manners that a well-trained grandson has around his nan, and, of course, a non-stop obsession with playing with his food. Heston Blumenthal OBE is a 48-year-old multi-millionaire chef, restaurateur, TV personality and businessman with the mind of a 16 year old. A bloody bright 16 year old, for sure, but a 16 year old with one enormous, international, slightly peculiar empire to run. FOR STARTERS He’s done super-sized food, fizzing food, glowing food and dildo food. But what’s up the sleeve of everyone’s favourite culinary nutty professor? Words: Chris Sayer, James Steen “We were not a foodie family at all, but my mum was a pretty good cook,” Heston recounts. “She’d make chicken soup, tomatoes on toast for breakfast – which was a real favourite of mine – and on Sunday we’d buy a chicken in a bag from the supermarket and stuff it into a French baguette. We lived in this basement flat in London where, if I jumped up and down at the edge of the kitchen, I’d set the pressure cooker off and Mum would get really hacked off at me.” APRIL 2018 19 Just how big of an impact was it? Massive. Within months, teenage Heston had surrounded himself with a mini library of French cookbooks, learning French along the way so he could translate them into English, ultimately self-teaching himself the techniques and skills of classic French cuisine. One book in particular would be this wannabe cook’s trigger to tear up the rules of the classic kitchen and dare to do things a little differently. “My approach to cooking is this: question everything. This one book, Harold McGee’s On Food And Cooking: The Science And Lore Of The Kitchen, was more than an inspiration. It was a realisation that the doubts and questions that I had been asking myself were justified. It kind of confirmed why I was questioning,” he says. BOILING OVER For the ‘godfather of molecular gastronomy’, these are impressively normal and humble beginnings. Even more impressive is that the chef who’s made an international name for himself as the Dr Frankenstein of cooking – bringing test tubes, Bunsen burners and nitrogen baths into his laboratory-cumkitchen – never even passed his chemistry O Level. Even more impressive is that a look over Heston Blumenthal’s CV, before opening his world-famous restaurant The Fat Duck in Berkshire in 1995, shows little more than a stint as a photocopier salesman and a period as a debt collector. Admittedly, there is also the work experience under legendary French chef Raymond Blanc… in which he lasted just a week before packing it in. Yet, 30 years later, he’s in Australia preparing to open a sixth restaurant in Melbourne – one that’s had a quarter of a million would-be customers ringing NOT ALWAYS AS IT SEEMS: MEAT FRUIT BY HESTON BLUMENTHAL 20 APRIL 2018 for a reservation since it was announced. Needless to say, when it opened this year, a lot of Aussies went hungry. We’re expecting to hear about a big life-changing eureka moment that turned Heston on to food. And here it is, in the shape of a pancake – a crepe soufflé, to be more accurate. At the age of 16, on a family trip to France, the Blumenthals splashed out on a holiday dinner that would change everything for Heston. “We sat at a table under the trees, looking on to olive groves in the valley. I love the noise of gravel crunching underfoot, and I think it must’ve come from this day – hearing the waiters, in their dickie-bow ties and black waistcoats, walking to the table. For dessert, I had crepe soufflé – two pancakes filled with soufflé mix so it puffs up. Being in that restaurant made me want to recreate that feeling I had as a child for other people,” he says. “If I’d grown up with caviar and lobster, that dining experience would not have had the impact it did on me.” If this is all sounding like a romantic ascent to greatness, it wasn’t. His twenties were spent working through the day to fund his cooking experimentation and exploration by night, and to save enough to make the leap into restauranteering. When the time came to finally put his name above the door of the 450-yearold Berkshire pub that would come to be the culinary jewel in his chef’s hat, The Fat Duck, within just 48 hours one of his cookers exploded, causing him to strap a bag of frozen peas to his damaged head for the rest of the day’s service. By no means was this the only, or biggest, headache his restaurant would cause him. “Things were so bad, we had absolutely no money,” he says, removing his glasses to give them a polish, a gesture he does frequently, giving him the air of a slightly sinister scientist. “We had no way of borrowing money. I remember sitting there thinking, ‘This is it, we’ve got nothing left’.” To try to make ends meet, he’d work superhuman hours, 22 hours a day, 120 hours a week. How long did that madman rota last? “I did that for about eight or nine years,” he says. So exhausted and sleep-deprived was Heston that he recalls a time when he tried lighting a blowtorch under a hot tap instead of using a match, and others where he’d fillet fish in his sleep. He doesn’t mean dreaming about filleting fish. He means falling asleep, fish in one hand, knife in the other, and carrying on, on autopilot. It comes as no surprise that Heston has, in the past, been asked if he has obsessivecompulsive disorder by psychiatrist pals of his. Here’s a man that spent four years trying to create perfect savoury candyfloss until finally admitting defeat; will argue until he’s blue in the face that the perfect lemon tart can only be achieved at a cooking temperature of 72 degrees, and used four years of his life testing potatoes in the search for the perfect chip. “I was obsessed,” he says. “For years I was measuring the starch levels in different potatoes in different seasons, even getting the perfect individual chip and piercing the outer layer with a pin to let the steam escape to regulate the fluffiness of the potato. But the result was fantastic. I created the Triple Cooked Chip in 1993, and it’s now cooked in restaurants throughout the world. It took a long time, but it paid off. Mind you, not everyone follows the recipe as they should.” Starved of sleep, balanced precariously on a treacherous financial tightrope, and having a pinpoint obsession for perfection, Heston at that time was not the easiest boss to work for. He developed an anger that, he openly admits, was threatening to spiral out of control. How does a man, in one of the world’s most stressful environments, with more pressure on his shoulders than he can deal with, learn to cope with it all, and emerge the other end without a meltdown? “If I took total responsibility for everything as a boss, then it would always be me to blame. If something went wrong and I ended up shouting at somebody, I had either employed the wrong having a super-smart coffee machine that makes rich, smooth cappuccinos and grinds the beans straight into the filter, all at the punch of a button? Honestly, that’s one of life’s small pleasures.” It’s hard to believe the man in front of us could even raise his voice to a traffic warden about to slap a fine on his windscreen, let alone a fellow chef in the heat of the kitchen. It’s been more than a decade since Heston last lost his temper while cooking. His now cool, calm exterior (and more importantly, interior) has forged him a niche as the total antithesis of the stereotypically wild-eyed and raging chef. Partnered with the drama of his lunatic recipes, he’s proven a Channel 4 ratings hit, raking in viewers in their millions with an appetite for fish-eye cocktails, monster pork scratchings, curry ice cream, 6.5-kilo sausages, pigs surgically stitched to chickens and bull-bollock fruit. On our flight back we couldn’t help but run over Heston’s response to what, in hindsight, seemed the second-most obvious question of our meeting (after the one that ended in a discussion about great-white-shark tornadoes, of course). Heston’s journey from the days of chronic anger, no money and filleting fish in his sleep has been epic and arduous. But when we ask what the turning point was for the success of The Fat Duck, perhaps the most important moment in his life, the answer sounds so nonchalant and relaxed it should’ve been accompanied by a brush-off-the-shoulder movement. “When Michelin came out, the cheques started to come in. We talked to the bank and scraped together the wage bill. Then we were voted the Best Restaurant In The World, and from that day the phones went ballistic,” he says. He pauses. “But remember, it took nine years to get there.” The evening we land, we call Heston’s Dinner restaurant in London (currently the highest-ranking UK restaurant on The World’s Best Restaurant 2014 list), to see if the phones are still going “ballistic”, and, now we’re best mates with the boss, to see if we could pop by tonight to sample the overpriced frog’s-legs porridge on the menu, or the 16th-century ‘meat fruit’. The next availability? “Nothing for at least three months,” the lady at the end of the line tells us. Not even the wanky plea of “but we’ve been hanging with Heston in Australia!” would shift her. Looks like we’ll have to cook dildo jelly at home for a while yet. “I REMEMBER SITTING THERE THINKING, ‘THIS IS IT, WE’VE GOT NOTHING LEFT’” person, or I was asking too much from them, or I’d not trained them properly. The moment that I took responsibility for everything was when my stress levels came right down.” COOKING ON GAS Away from the Franken-kitchen, home life couldn’t be more different. Heston lives in Barnes, south-west London, with his American food-writer partner Suzanne Pirret and grown-up children, Jack, Jessie and Joy, all from a previous relationship. His eldest, Jack, is set to follow in Heston’s footsteps, having taken a culinary arts degree. In moments of laziness and to satisfy his cravings, he indulges himself in tubs of prawn cocktail from the supermarket and likes skiing in Italy, where he can inhale one of his favourite combos, pizza and wine. We refuse to believe that the Blumenthal home kitchen, on the other hand, is a ‘normal’ family room. Surely there’s at least a hint of weirdness he’s brought back from work with him? Apparently, no. “My most cherished kitchen gadget is, well, I’m a caffeine nut, so HESTON UP YOUR HOME COOKING Want to cook like a Franken-chef but don’t have access to a freaky pantry? Here’s seven combos that definitely shouldn’t work, but totally do… French fries and chocolate milkshake American fast-food chain Wendy’s claims that 47% of families have “plunged their fry into a frosty”, and with salt and cocoa being a historically delicious marriage, it just makes sense, y’know? Bananas and mayonnaise Baseball coach for the Washington Nationals, Matthew LeCroy, chows down on this Southern delicacy in sandwich form before important ball games. It’s his lucky charm. Scrambled eggs and maple syrup Sure, it sounds like a kitchen accident, but Canadians swear by it. Drizzle a bit in your egg mix before cooking to see what the fuss is about. Sriracha sauce and peanut butter Peanuts and chilli totally makes sense when you’re tucking into a takeaway noodle dish, so, of course, a peanut-butter sandwich with the greatest chilli sauce on Earth should totally work too? It bloody well does. Popcorn and milk Stick your sugary popcorn into a bowl, cover with milk and spoon into your face for a pretty low-rent but tasty breakfast. Strawberries and spaghetti Listen, you’re already throwing fruit into your bolognese with tomatoes, so why not some strawberries? Make sure the sauce is spicy and the sweet strawbs will complement the heat good and proper. Pickle juice and whiskey A massive hit in the dive bars of the US, a shot of briny pickle juice after a whiskey (also known as a Pickleback) instantly naturalises the burn of the booze and, surprisingly, didn’t end in us doing a giant puke. APRIL 2018 21 DJ BBQ presents FHM man food B LU E S - B E A T I N G KILLER CORN DOGS Kick autumn’s chilly butt with this deep-fried meat on a stick... DJ BBQ SAYS… “Dudes, DJ BBQ is here for you. I know you’re all freezing your butts off. I know you’d all rather put your manhood into a vice than get out of bed in the mornings. I know it feels like light years until that next payday, and I know your New Year’s diet is making you feel pretty horrible. Listen: forget about your flu tablets. The only medicine that’ll help beat autumn in all its chilly glory is my deep-fried, butt-kicking corn dogs.” 22 APRIL 2018 “Why do these bad boys make me instantly happy? This is a true American fairground food. When is a kid happier than when he’s rolling around a fair with a belly full of food ready to throw up on a ride? Never. A bag of cotton candy and these beauties had me grinning like a frickin’ goon. What’s more, there’s a mega-ton of carbs in there, all deep fried and golden. Man, it’s total and complete happiness on a stick. Hand it to your bro and watch his grumpy butt thaw out.” THE RECIPE Preparation time 20 mins Ingredients Yellow cornmeal Plain flour 3 tbsp. sugar 2 tsp. baking powder Sea salt Ground pepper 4 large eggs, beaten Full cream milk Vegetable oil Loads of hot dogs (The listeriosis free kind… Too soon?) Yellow mustard 01 Whisk up your cornmeal,flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and pepper, then stir in eggs and milk to make a batter. “You want a thick consistency, so it hugs that hot dog like a blanket” says DJ BBQ. 02 Pat your wieners dry, and ram a kebab stick into it lengthways. Roll in flour and then dip into the batter. Wipe any excess batter away using your fingers to make sure you have an even smooth coating. SHOW US YOUR MANFOOD! 03 “Heat the oil. It’s ready when you can flick a bit of water in and it fizzes”, DJ BBQ says. Cook them for 5–7 mins, turning them every so PHOTOGRAPHY: JAMES BYRNE. FOOD STYLING: MARTA WOWJICK #FHMManFood Ranch dressing and buffalo hot sauce Peanut butter and sesame oil often. Take them out, cool them down, get some dips and get ready to feast. Barbecue sauce and maple syrup American mustard APRIL 2018 23 Drink like a man DARK BEERS FOR DARKER NIGHTS… When the temperature plummets low enough to put ice on your pint, forget about upping the heating. This season, a bottle of sweet, smoky porter is the anti-freeze we’ll be reaching for to thaw us from the inside out. For too long, many drinkers dismissed it as too heavy – pitch black, oil-thick and strong enough to burn through our tonsils. But now, with young craft breweries creating surprisingly light but heavyon-taste brews, they deserve your attention. Like, really deserve it. Here’s the best of the bunch, ready to toast your belly good and proper…     ➺ Port Dating w er in 36 word in Lond ay back to the s on, 17 numbers porters are pok 00s ey little tr a dition three dif ferent ty ally blending new and pes of a le: we hit of ch ak. Expect a b old, ig old ocolate and c with eve ry mouth offee ful. PICK OF THE PORTERS Beer pro Sarah Warman runs through the very best bottles to reach for 24 APRIL 2018 01 Beavertown Smog Rocket “Perfect if you’re keen on a bit of smoke in your brews but you don’t want anything too intense.” 02 Kernel Export India Porter “An intense option, mega coffee with loads of really lovely sweet caramel and dark fruity notes.” 03 Anspach & Hobday Stout Porter “At 8.5%, this is a big, bold, badder bottle. It’s divine, with plenty of dark chocolate and coffee in there.” 04 Brew By Numbers 03|02 Porter – Liberty “A medium-bodied porter rocking a bright hoppiness on the nose and just enough oomph to not overpower.” 05 Anchor Porter “Remember Riesen chocolates? Same taste. Chocolate and coffee make it the ultimate American porter.” PHOTOGRAPHY: CONNOR SHEEHAN. ALL BEERS FROM BREWDOG’S BOTTLEDOG Get the better of cabin fever with an array of belly-hugging porters  97% OF PEOPLE WHO TRY † ® SKYN RECOMMEND IT Australia’s Best-Selling condom: SKYN® Original 10pk. Source Aztec IRI Value MAT 29/10/17 † Ansell Study 2011 ® and ™ are trademarks owned by LifeStyles Healthcare Pte Ltd. © 2017 LifeStyles Healthcare Pte Ltd /roseroseallday roserose.com.au roseroseallday Fun, fresh and lightly sparkling, the Australian first ready-to-drink Rosé in a can is the deliciously refreshing be verage designed for you to take a little sparkle needed where ver you go. NOW AVAIL ABLE AT DAN MURPHY’s ONLINE TED OR SUPP BY... Bloke test This month’s challenger... RON JEREMY Will this legendary porno trailblazer pass the planet’s manliest test? you’ve set on fire? A bonfire. You know, one that keeps you warm on the beach and you cook on it. It was the height of me. I couldn’t get too close or I’d have been inhaling fire. Bloke 02 Who did you last put your middle finger up to? Myself. I did a parody of the Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball video and I ended up looking like a fatso with an umbilical hernia. So I gave a big, slamming middle finger right into the bathroom mirror. Bloke 03 Have you ever twerked? Yes, with a girl I was dating. I did some good dancing for the music video by LMFAO, Sexy And I Know It, too. It’s sexy when a girl does that, but when a guy does it… not so much. Not bloke 04 What’s in your pockets right now? A gun, a hatchet… no, I’m kidding. I have money, a harmonica that I have wherever I go, a condom in case I get lucky, a tissue and a cellphone. Bloke 05 What’s the last film that scared you? The Exorcist, but that was a while back. Films are scarier when you don’t really see the monster but you see what they’ve done. the UK called The Farm on Channel 5, but I was a vegetarian while I was there. I can’t play with an animal, let him lick me on the face and then eat him after that. Bloke Not bloke 06 Have you fired a gun? Yes, with Charlie Sheen. No joke – he has a firing range in his home. That was back before Charlie became a famous actor. I did pretty good! 10 Have you ever pooed in hole that you’ve dug? At Scouts’ camp I did. I had to wipe my keister with clean leaves. Bloke 11 Have you ever rescued an animal? Many. I’m a spokesman for PETA. I have a rescue tortoise called Cherie who I’ve had for 14 years. She’s about 40 years old now and she’s got a life expectancy of 160. 07 Have you ever cupped then smelt your own fart? Never. The whole idea of farting in a room full of people is that nobody takes credit. If you’re with three or more, you’re safe. With two people? No way. Not bloke 08 What sort of manly nicknames have you had in your life? Ron Jeremy, Hedgehog, Flaming Arrow, Manatee. Mainly it’s Hedgehog or Manatee. Someone told me that I should file for tax exemption because it’s an endangered species. Bloke 09 Have you ever killed and eaten an animal? I was on a TV show in Bloke Bloke 12 Have you ever shaved part of your body other than your face? Yeah. I started doing it and then all the other guys copied me. Anyone who’s paying attention to this article: you will absolutely look bigger if you shave back the pubes. Bloke 13 Who’s the last girl you spoke to? The girl who handed me this phone. She’s very pretty by the way, and now she’s blushing. A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and the way to a girl’s heart is through some nice music. Bloke 14 Have you shotgunned a can of beer? No, I don’t drink beer and I’m not big drinker, which is funny because I have my own brand of rum. You’ve got to try my cocktail, Dark and Horny, which is ginger beer, my rum and a bit of lemon. Not bloke 15 Have you ever put your penis through your legs and pretended to be a girl? Yes – I do it with the schmeckle and one ball, which ends up making a line right in the middle. Bloke 11/15 Not bad, Ron. Your knack for pubic manscaping has put you high up on the Bloke Test leader board. Check out Ron’s rum, Ron de Jeremy, at rondejeremy.com WORDS: BEN SCOTT 01 What’s the biggest thing APRIL 2018 27 Tracy Lear Scandinavian Princess, country girl, actress and ecommerce boss. Is there anything that Tracy cannot do? Photography by Luis Rodriguez Produced by Mainstreet Productions You can see more of Tracy at the following social media handles: https://m.facebook.com/tracydianelear http://instagram.com/trace_dl www.TracyLear.com 28 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 29 How does it feel to have been chosen as this month’s cover girl? Shooting for FHM is an incredible opportunity and I was very honoured to work with such an amazing photographer he has shot with so many beautiful women all over the world. Shooting for FHM was a personal goal of mine and now it’s accomplished. What would people be surprised to find out about you? Most people don’t realise this about me, but I grew up in the small town of Elizabethtown, Kentucky, so I am a true Southern Belle! I was raised on a farm with horses which I love to ride. I am of Scandinavian descent, so I am technically a Viking Princess - it’s a perfect fit. I am also a very driven entrepreneur - taking my beauty business to the top and building an empire while helping to build others up. What are your hobbies? Working is a hobby of mine... to the MAX! Building my companies and setting up events to give back to charities through the Golden Soirée Events. When I am relaxing, I am riding horses, watching movies and enjoying my family and friends. My family means everything to me. What is a turn on for you, in terms of a partner? Make me smile, get to my mind and challenge me in ways that I haven’t been before – and then maybe you can capture my heart. AND, if you bring me a drink, I like it on the rocks and I love Decada Tequila. I also want someone who is kind hearted and confident. My turn offs are bad jokes and cheap drinks. And please brush your teeth in the morning and make your bed. What is your idea of a perfect date? The perfect date would be something completely out of the ordinary. Plan a helicopter ride, boat ride or even a car ride to some place beautiful. Take me to places I have never been. What is the biggest challenge in terms of being a model? As a model, the biggest challenge is not giving up. So many people along the way will tell you that you’re not good enough and you can’t reach the goals you are setting. Never doubt yourself - prove them wrong! Do you have any words of wisdom for aspiring models? The sky is the limit - not just for me but for everyone. Set goals and accomplish them. Women need to support one another 100% and know that we can be beautiful and powerful! THE ONLY COMPETITION IN LIFE IS WITH YOURSELF! I want to thank my family and friends that are an inspiration to me and my support group. Every mentor along the way has impacted my life. If people around you do not make you a better person, get them out of your life. 30 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 31 32 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 33 34 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 35 PHOTOGRAPHY: LEON CSERNOHLAVEK WORDS: BEN ARNOLD Could you... They’re the jobs we all dream of having. But how hard can they actually be? 36 APRIL 2018 Could you... Start your own wrestling federation? >The glory days of wrestling are being brought back with a bang. We chat to Garry Vanderhorne, 40, about his unique wrestling organisation Lucha Britannia, which provides brilliant storytelling and belly-laugh comedy with hardcore grappling. Here’s how he built it up from nothing... Lucha Britannia is in its tenth year now. I thought, if what I, and other wrestling fans, want to see isn’t out there, maybe I should do it myself. How can I make this thing that I love better? Wrestling is an art form. It’s high art as well as being low art, and it should be treated as such. As performance art, there is nothing like it. With Lucha Britannia, I combined the powerful iconography of the Mexican masks with the idea of British comedy, daredevil skills and high-flying acrobatics. Great shows think outside the box and are original. It has to have a twist, a USP. Copying other people won’t work. That’s where a lot of promoters slip up. They copy from a blueprint. It should be like a comic book come to life. You need to be able to make the audience laugh one second, then leave their mouth and eyes wide open the next, with them saying “oh my word”. Some wrestlers are really meek and mild, then they get in the ring and they’re total animals. Others are just the same out of the ring, they just turn their volume up. I’ve never been in a circus, but from what I’ve heard, what we have is a lot like a circus family. You’re in something that’s quite dangerous, very skilful, like a secret kind of society. I want people to go into work and say: “I saw a monkey swing through the rafters, drop 20ft down on to a guy’s head, then that guy fought a psycho clown”. Then a voodoo witch doctor came in, knocked him out of the ring, and then Freddie Mercury came in and knocked the witch doctor out with his voice. Remember, it’s a promotion. Have the machine in place. It’s no good putting the 20 best wrestlers on and just 10 people watch. Get your artwork sorted and shout about it on social networks. When moves go wrong, it can really hurt. I once had to dive from the top rope, but the people I had to dive on were too far away. Only in mid-air did I realise I wasn’t going to reach them. I ended up shattering my heel, broke my ankle and tore my Achilles off. I had to be carried to hospital. The most bizarre sight I’ve seen at one of our shows? Jonathan Ross carrying a barman from the bar into the ring,then getting involved in a match. Occasionally we’ll get a drunk punter wanting to join in. They’re dealt with. Pro wrestling’s not all for show. First steps Step one People who have a dance, martial arts or gymnastics background can be easier to teach. Find a good wrestling school. There are quite a few reputable ones up and down the country. And watch as many different styles of wrestling as you can, from Mexican to Japanese. Step two Study classic British comedy. Monty Python, Kenny Everett, Spike Milligan, ’Allo ’Allo!, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, even The Mighty Boosh – character comedy. It should give you a sense of humour and remind you not to take yourself too seriously. Step three Ask an organisation for an apprenticeship. Help out, put out the chairs, film it for them, work for free, find out how the show runs. Learn the business from the grassroots up. luchabritannia.com APRIL 2018 37 Could you... Make a movie? >If a film nerd like Quentin Tarantino can go from video-shop clerk to A-list Hollywood director, then surely you can do it too (as long as you’ve got oodles of film knowledge and are up for a lot of hard graft). Kieron Hawkes, 40, director of the 2012 British thriller Piggy, runs us through what you need to do to try and get your flick made. There’s no fixed route into making films. I didn’t come from an artistic family or anything. Now you can just go and buy a camera and start making films cheap. That option wasn’t there when I began. I went through film school, and that was a good route because it plugged me into a network of people who were making films. The Nikon and Canon DSLRs are really good. The pro ones are expensive, but they do cheaper versions. Get one and play around with it. If I’d had an iPhone when I was younger, I’d have been constantly shooting stuff and cutting it together. The great thing about software and cheaper equipment now is that you can make your mistakes in private. At film school, you had to make your mistakes in front of loads of people. Read everything you can about screenwriting. There’s The Screenwriter’s Workbook by Syd Field. I’ve read all his stuff, and this is the best. It’s practical. It tells you at which point to focus on First steps 38 APRIL 2018 Step one Read as much as you can about how to make films. There’s a brilliant book about storytelling called Into The Woods by John Yorke. It’s great for construction. Watch loads of films too. Step two Research the production companies that have made films you like and approach them. See if they’ll read something that’s unsolicited. structure and which point to focus on character. It puts you in the right places at the right times to build a screenplay. Making films is a mix of talent, luck and nonsense. As well as brutally hard work. Getting rejected is really hard, but it’s par for the course. I still get it now! I’ll go for a drama and they’ll say, “Well, you’ve never done any drama”. Then I’ll do a drama and try to get a comedy, and they’ll say, “But you’ve never done a comedy” and it’s like, “Seriously, man?! Do I have to know how to do everything?” You need finished projects to show producers, not just ideas. It shows you’re serious. Competitions can be a good route in. Hang around at screenwriting festivals too. Both can help you network. There are part-time courses that can help you get your hands-on film-making gear and get that network going. Or try to find some work as a runner on film sets. Step three Start shooting stuff. Do it all yourself. Write, and shoot and cut together. Software is vital, because it sets your work out in the right industry format. Final Draft is the one film-makers use. To start with, you will have to work for free. There’s simply no way around that. Just give yourself a clear cut-off point once you’ve got some experience. Even when it’s hard, I’d never do anything else. It’s absolutely the best job ever, without a doubt. I feel a lot more driven now than when I started out, because of how great it is and how much fun it is. Could you... Write a book? >David Whitehouse, 36, wrote his awardwinning debut, Bed, in 2012. He didn’t have any experience of writing a book before he had a crack at it. Reckon there’s a novel trying to escape from you? Here are his tips: People who want to write almost get caught up in the preamble. They become obsessed with the idea that they’ll have to spend thousands of hours in front of a laptop, and that can give them the yips. You have to go at it like it’s a fight. Beat it into submission. Wade in. Before you start writing, read a few pages from a book that’s been published and is really good. Reading is the exercise before the run. If you write five good words, that’s a good day. And if you write 3,000 bad words, that’s not necessarily a bad day. I rent a desk in a very boring grey office, and I keep boring office hours. It’s the only way, mentally, that I can make myself do it. If I believed I could do it sitting in a coffee shop, then my brain would think I’m on holiday and I’d never do anything. I treat it like a job because I have a huge capacity for messing around given the chance. I wouldn’t want to do anything else. I love it even though it’s daunting. I expect it’s daunting for Stephen King. And he’s written, like, ten thousand books. Write like you’re the only person who’s going to read it. Not what you think people want to read. The first line is what you should spend the most time on. More than any other part of the book. People think publishers and agents are the enemy. But if you’ve written a good book, they want it. It’s your job to send it to them. Waterstones’ Book of the Year– The Miniaturist – was taken from a ‘slush pile’, something randomly sent to an agent. Don’t get angry at rejection. At least it’s not happening on telly with Simon Cowell giving you grief. You get a polite letter saying it’s not for them. They don’t think you’re a joke – it just not for them. The best book in the world is hated by most people. First steps Step one Actually write. It may sound stupid, but there are thousands of people out there who say they’re writing novels but aren’t. Step two Don’t think you need a fully-formed story to start writing a book. You can always find your way through as you go along. Step three Think of books you like, Google which agents represent the authors, and send your work out. I sent my first 5,000 words to the biggest agent and they took it. APRIL 2018 39 Could you... Run a brewery? >If making your own booze isn’t living the dream, we don’t know what is. Neil Hinchley, 44, was a radio producer before he decided to make his hobby of home brewing his job. Since then, he’s been instrumentalin launching Crate, a massively successful brewery, bar and restaurant in East London. Fundamentally, it’s one of the simplest processes. The Sumerians and the Egyptians were doing it way back in 5,000 BC – maybe by mistake, but still. It’s just malt, hops, yeast and water, and variations on that really. The first homebrew I did was using an old cool box I’d modified. I stucka load of malted barley grain in it and hot water. That creates the sugars, then you stick that liquid in a tub with a heating element like a big kettle and add hops. The kits are worth trying, maybe for the first time. But once you’re serious, you start doing wholegrain brewing. With the kits you get a syrup, which meansyour beer is half designed by someone else, but it’ll still be fine, drinkable beer. You’ll become totally anal about cleanliness, because after it’s been boiled, beer becomes prone to infections. You’ll know when a brew has gone wrong. Bad beer just happens. It ends up tasting like vinegar. Or urine. Take good records of what you’ve done along the way. If you don’t and then you make something great – or bad– you won’t know how to do it again. Slowly, you work out what works and what doesn’t. Beer is all about sharing. Getting your friends and family together. I really enjoy that part of it – making beer for parties and people around my house. I did my first brews in our kitchen, which you couldn’t swing a cat in.It was eight feet by eight feet. You just need enough space for a 25-litre tub. You can have good beer that you can sell at a party within a weekwith a pretty low skill level. You don’t need to know about biology or chemistry. But if you want to start being clever, that’s what takes the hard work. The best bit about brewing?Walking into a pub, sitting at the bar and seeing someone buy your beer and enjoy it. That’s so pleasing for me. 40 APRIL 2018 First steps Step one You need to have an appreciation of beer. But that’s the fun part. Just drink loads of it – different types and styles – and work out what you enjoy and what you’d like to produce.” Step two Hang around some breweries. We’re a friendly, open bunch. People aren’t funny about recipes, it’s collaborative. Rock up and talk beer with your local brewer. They’ll love to talk to you. Step three Have a look at the kits, or decide whether you want to bosh one together yourself. Could you... Start your own record label? >Jamie Russell and his business partner Alex Jones, 37, launched dance music label Hypercolour in 2006. After years of hard slog (and some hard raving), it’s now thriving, with releases from the likes of Groove Armada, Laurent Garnier and Maya Jane Coles. It was all spawned through going to parties. We never imagined we’d be successful. I would account a huge part of what’s happened with the label to going out and getting smashed, really. We were all inspired on the dancefloor. The most important part of running a label is that you need to obsess about music. Your obsession will take you out to gigs and raves where you might meet a band you want to sign or a producer you want to put out tracks with. It will make you dig deep for music and expand your tastes. I’m an avid collector of email addresses. Anyone who emails you who is music-related, keep their email address and put it in a list. I still do that now. Soon enough you’ll have a database or community of people to tell about your music. Invest as much of your free time as possible into telling the world about your releases. If you don’t shout about them, how are people supposed to know First steps they are there to consume? Make sure everyone you’re working with is always reposting your stuff on Twitter and Facebook. It comes gradually. Be prepared to put your hands into your own pockets to make an investment. And be prepared to risk losing money. You’ll have to learn to take beatings to your ego. You may think that what you’re doing is amazing, but someone else may well think it’s a pile of bull. If you’re sensitive, it might not be a good idea to set up a record label. Getting DJ Mag’s Best Label award was a real moment. It was tangible. My mom’s pretty old school, but when she saw that, and it was nice and shiny and silver, she thought it must mean I was doing alright with my life. Step one Find some mates – or mates of mates – who are making music. That can be a really good start, as long as you believe in the music they’re making. Step two Go online and find a distribution company that already releases the kind of music you like, then approach them with the music you want to release. Step three Find a good PR company. It’s all very well releasing a record, but the right people need to be talking about it. It wasn’t until our 15th or so release that we realised that. APRIL 2018 41 Could you... Invent something that’s life changing? >Everyone’s got an idea for an amazing, revolutionary invention that will land them a vast sum of money. Kristian Tapaninaho used the crowdsourcing app Kickstarter to fund his own awesome, portable pizza oven, the Uuni. It’s been a massive, bloody success. It was around 2010 when I started getting obsessed with making pizza. The oven in our house wasn’t cutting it, and I wanted to get a big outdoor pizza oven. But we were renting at the time, and I didn’t want to spend thousands on an oven we couldn’t take with us. I couldn’t believe there wasn’t a small wood-fired oven. I thought that if I can make one, there will be other people looking for one too. I’ve had a lot of fantastic ideas over the years. But 99.9% of those have never gone beyond five minutes of thinking about them. I made this prototype – a weird monster of a pizza oven. I built it out of breeze blocks, all sawn up. But it actually worked! And it made one of the best pizzas I’ve ever tasted. I got it firing up to 450ºC, an incredible amount of heat – twice that of a domestic oven. That’s when I thought it could be a mass-market product. I got in touch with a local metal workshop. They usually make garden gates, but they were happy to fabricate a prototype for me after I showed them my First steps 42 APRIL 2018 Step one To make sure your idea isn’t crap, make a short presentation. In it, show what the problem is you’re solving, what the current competition is, how much it would cost and who would buy it. Then pitch it to your closest friends and family. drawings. Inventing something is just a series of little problems. A series of little problems that you have to solve. I knew I wanted to use Kickstarter to launch the product. It just seemed like a really good way to show it to people. Like a sanity check – does anybody else actually want this thing? Then I realised that they did. But, at that stage, you really have to make it work! I used this really easy software called SketchUp. It allows you to draw your own 3D models. You pick it up in five minutes. It’s great. Logistics is a pain in the butt. We got that wrong early on. We spent a lot of money sending orders by air mail. I took the first oven from the manufacturers, all boxed up, to my parents. We fired it up, and that was quite magical. Step two Produce a minimum viable product – that means refine and consider the core of the product and whether it will work. Look at the original iPhone – no 3G, no GPS, a measly two megapixel camera, no video. It still disrupted the computing market. Step three You need to test and improve to evaluate how good the product is. Does it work? Do you think someone would pay money for it? Then go back and make it better. Order yourself one of Kristian’s bad boys at uuni.net Could you... How to harness the power of crowdsourcing Charlie Lyne, 37, got his brilliant documentary Beyond Clueless – which is about the recent history of teen movies – funded on Kickstarter. Here’s how he did it... I couldn’t recommend crowd-funding highly enough. It’s more or less the only way you can get into making a project yourself straight away. The best thing about it is that it can tell you whether you’re making something that people actually want. It really reassured us. We were totally upfront with people. We weren’t afraid to show our passion. They knew that all the money would go directly towards that. The video is important. But it’s probably a lot more important that people get an idea of ‘you’ and why you want to make this project. Some of the most effective Kickstarter projects haven’t had the flashiest video. They’re just full of passion. When people start giving you money, it just feels so unbelievable. You can’t believe that people really have that confidence in what you’re trying to do. Then you realise you have a massive commitment to them. APRIL 2018 43 GUIDE TO BAKING It’s happened: baking, long considered the preserve of depressed housewives, has finally been recognised as manly. Come with us as we get to grips with the world of fiery ovens, crunching crusts and floury buttocks… WITH EXPERT TIPS FROM THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF’S RICHARD BURR 46 APRIL 2018 Photography: Dan Matthews Food Styling: Jack Sargeson THE JOY OF DOUGH Max Tobias, 33-year-old co-founder of The Dusty Knuckle Bakery in London, on why every man needs a bit of flour power in his life. happened: baking, long considered the preserve of depressed housewives, has finally been recognised as manly. Come with us as we get to grips with the world offiery ovens, crunching crusts and floury buttocks... If you think baking is just a hobby for bored housewives, come and spend a day in my kitchen... you’ll end up eating your words as well as my bread. Because baking is manly. It requires strength and sweat. It’s a race against the clock. You have to dominate the dough, or it will dominate you. Bottom line: it’s not for the faint of heart. But put in the hard work and the finished loaf will repay you 10 times over. More than that, there is something magical about baking bread, like alchemy. Watching the transformation from a lifeless, white powder into a delicious, nutritious, chewy and light substance that we rely on – and have done since the dawn of civilisation. I love the fact that it is such an ancient craft, yet still so relevant today. It has been the keystone of humankind’s evolution over the past 10,000 years, from the Egyptians to the Greeks to the Romans to us. There’s another reason I love baking: it’s the perfect combination of IT’S BAKING BREAD: THE BASIC PROCESS MIXING Combining all your bits in a bowl. The flour, yeast, salt and butter are going to do some really awesome things together. selfishness and generosity. I love eating the bread that I bake, how it feels and how it smells. But more than that, I love giving bread to people. Because eating bread, more than any other food, is a social activity, ingrained in our culture. It’s no mistake that we have so many related expressions in our language – “it’s his bread and butter”, “breaking bread” and “stealing bread from his mouth”. One of the toughest, but most rewarding, elements of being a baker is getting up before dawn six days a week. There is nothing more magical than kneading a lump of dough at sunrise, golden light streaming into your kitchen. It’s just you, the bread and the binmen clattering outside. You feel like you’re ahead of the game, watching the world wake up and begin its day when you’re already halfway through yours. And that cold beer never tasted better than at 1pm when your work is finally done. Better still, at that time of day, you can always get a seat in the pub. The Dusty Knuckle Bakery is an award-winning social enterprise in North London that aims to work with youth offenders as well as the long-term unemployed. A GOOD MIXER WILL BE YOUR BUDDY A Sage mixer, which is part of Heston Blumenthal’s range, is a great, comparatively cheap alternative to the stylish but teethgrittingly expensive KitchenAid appliances. It makes the mixing part of your baking odyssey a doddle. KNEADING Pressing and pulling the dough. There is an art to this. An art you should learn. PROOFING Letting the dough rise like a glorious, sludgy phoenix. Where the magic happens BAKING Sticking it in a nice hot oven (usually about 100 degrees) for half an hour to 40 minutes. SEPARATION ANXIETY “Make sure you keep salt and yeast apart”, says our expert. “When mixing your ingredients together during bread-making, always add the salt and yeast to opposite sides of the bowl as the salt can kill the yeast. Like when you were a kid and poured salt on a poor slug. It dries it right out.” APRIL 2018 47 MIXMASTER, BAKE FASTER The first part of the process – mixing the basic ingredients together – is easier to screw up than most people realise. “I’ve always been a fan of using cold water in my mix. If you use cold water and then keep it at room temperature, your bread will have a richer, deeper flavour”, says Richard. “Add a bit of brown sugar to your bread mix. If you’re making bread or sourdough, a little bit of sugar brings that flavour right out. It gives the yeast something to eat and grow on as well.” AFTER-OVEN LOVIN’ You thought that the moment you’d taken your creation out of the oven, it was all over? Not so fast. Richard says: “As soon as you take anything bread-based out of the oven, put it on a wire rack. If you put it on a flat surface, the rest of the steam evaporates out of the bread, leaving it soggy at the base. “And listen to the crackle as it cools. That’s the sound of the bread contracting. It’s a beautiful sound that lets you know you’ve done a good job. It’s meant to crackle. “Also, don’t cut it straight away. Even though it looks like bread, it’s not quite. Have self-control and let it rest for half an hour, then tuck in. If you cut it when it’s too hot, it’ll still be soft and gooey in the middle.” NEED-TO-KNOW KNEADING Pushing and pulling your dough about is perhaps the manliest part of baking. You’re basically fighting your food. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you can just wing it, though. There is an art to pummelling your paste. “Don’t be afraid to knead and knead and knead. Under-kneaded bread is always horrible, but you’re never going to have a problem with over-kneaded bread.” “Everyone has their own style of kneading. I’m a great believer in punching the heel of my palm into it and stretching it across the table. I stretch it away with my palm, then fold it in and twist it”, says the Bake Off finalist. “To check if your dough is kneaded enough, pull out a piece of dough between your hands. It should be able to stretch to 20cm without breaking. “The most important thing to remember is to make sure that you stretch your bread and then fold it over. And stretch it again. As long as you’re doing that, whichever direction you’re doing it in, you’re good for kneading. “Once you feel like you’ve finished kneading, just do it for an extra five minutes to be sure. It doesn’t hurt – in fact, it can only help make the bread better – and it keeps you fit to boot.” THE HOUR IS FLOUR OVEN-HOT STYLE Stomping around your kitchen, throwing up white clouds of flour and pummelling dough is hard work. But you can still look like a dude while you’re at it. This apron tells any visitor to your baking lair that you are the man and you are definitely in control. Even when you’re holding a tray of dainty scones. 48 MARCH APRIL 2018 2015 A stockpile of (mostly) white powdery stuff is a must if you want to become a master breadsman (not a real job description). So, let’s get to know your artillery. Stoneground The fact this stuff hasn’t been ground in an industrial process means it hasn’t been exposed to as much heat. Which is a good thing, because it means more of the nutrients will stay intact. Spelt An ancient grain indeed. Spelt wheat has been harvested for thousands of years and is now enjoying a comeback thanks to its healthy properties. The fact it's got gluten in it means it’s great for baking. Malted A type of wholegrain flour which is good for making all kinds of fancy bread. It comes in lots of different varieties – get the roasted type, which is really dark, for fruity rolls and bagels. If that’s your type of thing. Buckwheat This is flour milled from a plant that's similar to rhubarb and grows in cold climates. It’s got pointy seeds that look like cereal grains and has a sour, nutty taste. Low-cal and gluten-free, health freaks love it. THE PERFECT WHITE LOAF (IS PRETTY EASY) This is where it all begins. The crusty cornerstone of your baking empire. Creating your own humble loaf is an addictive process. You’ll be holdingit, warm and fragrant, in your hands, and all you’ll be able to see is its minuscule flaws, making you desperate to have another go. Because your next loaf? That’ll be the one. Richard says: “You should never try to rush a loaf; you’ve got to be nice to the dough. Take your time. Don’t feel obliged to mix anything up with your fingers either. I see it on TV all the time, people sticking their fingers in it, getting their fingers all covered in flour and water. But as a builder, I’ve always been encouraged to not get my fingers dirty. So, I don’t. I use a wooden spoon and, weirdly enough, my bread turns out absolutely great.” BATHE YOUR BREAD “Put a tray with some water at the bottom of the oven before putting the bread in. This creates a steam bath in the oven which helps the bread develop a lighter crust and prevents it from tearing.” GO TO BROWN TOWN “Don’t be afraid of browning your loaf. One thing people are always terrified of is a little bit of colour. They freak out and whip it out the oven. Don’t. You want a lovely, crispy crust.” APRIL 2018 49 LARD UP “For pork pie pastry, I use hot water crust pastry. If you do this, make sure you use a mix of butter and lard, not just butter by itself. Lard gives you a brilliant texture and structure, and I’ve heard it’s actually quite good for you. Making the pastry is a doddle – just mix the flour and water in a large bowl and heat the lard with the butter in another. Then stir it all together.” PORK PIES WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY 50 APRIL 2018 “A pork pie is basically the perfect vehicle for getting as much sausage meat into a bit of pastry as you can”, says Richard. “Cut the meat and herb it – don’t be afraid of over-herbing a pork pie. The herbier the better. When you make a pork pie, make a massive one– it’s easier and you can turn it into a gala pie by sticking eggs in it. “Whatever you do, don’t try to do it in one sitting – if you wanta pork pie with jelly in it, you need to fill it and let it set overnight. “Always leave a hole in thepastry at the top of the pie. Thiswill do two things. First, it lets the steam out of the pie when it cooks. Without it, the pie will explode, and you’ll end up with a perfectly edible, but un-pie-like, meaty mush. Second, it will allow you to pour your jelly inside to fill the gaps.” “Making the jelly for the pieis surprisingly easy. I always use leaf gelatine, which you can buy in any supermarket. Flavour it with ham or chicken stock and pour it into the hole in the top of the pie, then wait for it all to set.” THIS BOOK WILL BE YOUR BIBLE Flour Water Salt Yeast by Ken Forkish (bonus points for a name that sounds like the punchline of a cooking- related joke) has everything you need to hit the ground (or kitchen floor) running. It’s basically an awesome chemistry text book for bakers, clueing you up on all the weird science-y things you’ll need to know if you want to really “get” bread. …AND A FEW MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE River Cottage Handbook No.3: Bread by Daniel Stevens Sixty brilliant recipes. Everything from potato bread and ciabattas to naan and pizzas. How To Bake by Paul Hollywood The big silverback of the baking world takes you under his muscular wing and shares some of his finely-honed skills. Short & Sweet by Dan Lepard You might not have heard of Dan Lepard, but every baker in the country definitely has. When it comes to anything sticky and sugary, this guy knows his stuff. NOT ALL CAKES NEED ICING… INTRODUCING MONKEY BREAD “Being a builder”, says Richard. I’m pretty much pathologically addicted to doughnuts. Monkey bread is basically a giant pile of doughnuts stuck together, which you cook in a cake tin. “You make lots and lots of small doughnuts and roll them in cinnamon and sugar, so they get covered and then you bake them. When you eat it, you pull them off in chunks. The cooked sugar that holds the whole thing together can be pulled apart really easily – it’s so satisfying. You could pour almost an entire bottle of maple syrup on there too, then serve it with some ice cream.” “My main tip would be to make the doughnuts small. If you make them too big, they won’t cook from the inside-out, like they’re supposed to.” MAKING THE DOUGHNUTS… Sieve 500g flour and 1 tsp. baking soda into a bowl and mix in 70g butter and 70g sugar. Beat together an egg and 260ml milk. Combine both mixtures to form a dough. Roll out your dough on a well-floured surface to about 1cm thickness, then cut into ring shapes. Fry the shapes in hot oil for 30 seconds, then turn them over and cook them for a further 30 seconds until they are golden brown Drain the doughnuts on some kitchen paper until they’re cool, then roll them in sugar. APRIL 2018 51 THE KIT PROVE YOUR WORTH Let your dough prove in a banneton basket – it will help keep the shape of the dough, as well as improve the crust of your loaves. And who doesn’t want to improve their crust? We like Andrew James’ basket, because it looks nice. Nigella Lawson measuring jug Nigella Lawson mixing bowls Nigella Lawson measuring spoons Bitossi egg timer Le Creuset cake tins John Lewis mesh flour shaker John Lewis rolling pin Le Creuset muffin tray WHAT THE HELL IS SOURDOUGH? “You might have heard about it. On the other hand, you might have absolutely no idea what it is. Sourdough bread basically comes from a sourdough starter – a special yeast starter that makes really rich-flavoured bread. It’s bloody lovely. But sourdough scares most amateur bakers because you have to maintain and nurture it. It’s almost like having a pet.” 52 APRIL 2018 “I reckon it helps to give your yeast starter a name. I’ve killed so many over the years,I suspect that if I’d named them, I would have probably nurtured them more. Jordan from The Great British Bake Off named his one Yorick, and he talked to it – he’s really affectionate with his sourdough.” “Keep it warm and keep an eye on it. If you’ve got an airing cupboard or a warm spot in your house, keep it in there. And just keep an eye on it. They just have to be looked out for, fed every now and again and not forgotten about. If you’ve got a yeast starter, then you’ve basically signed yourself up for making sourdough regularly, for a while. It’s a commitment. Sourdough’s for life, not just for Christmas.” EGGS ARE NOT COOL AIR IS YOUR ENEMY “Keep your eggs out of the fridge. I would never use cold eggs for anything; eggs should never be kept in the fridge as far as I’m concerned. It’s the density of the yolk versus the white. I’ve never stored eggs in a fridge. My old man keeps chickens and we’ve always got eggs flying around. Tell anyone who puts eggs in the fridge not to.” GET FILTHY RICH Want something rich and full-on, like a Chelsea bun? Then add warm milk to your mixture to make an enriched dough. The fat in the milk slows down the action of the yeast, so warming it balances this out.” “When your dough has risen up, you’ll need to get the air bubbles out or you’ll end up with a giant hole in your bread. This is called knocking back. “There’s nothing worse than when you can’t spread butter on your bread because you’ve got a great big hole in the middle of your slice. To stop that from happening, you’ll need to fold it over itself over and over again until it becomes similar to your unproofed dough.” “Take the dough out of the bowl and put it on a lightly floured surface and fold it repeatedly in on itself using the heels of your hands, until it is smooth, and all the air has been knocked out of it. That should do the trick.” SPACE IS THE PLACE “Always tidy up as you go. It takes moments to cover every single inch of your counter top and there’s nothing worse than taking something hot out of the kitchen and having to do a dance around the hob, balancing stuff on top of each other, trying to find a place to put it.” BASEBALL GAME-STYLE PRETZELS ARE WITHIN YOUR GRASP Everyone in the world can agree on pretzels. No one in the history of time has ever said “no pretzels for me, thanks”. They have the power to bring buddies together, reignite romances and perhaps even end wars. “There are two secrets to making a killer pretzel”, says Richard. “The first one is getting loads of brown sugar in your mix to balance out the salt, which you’ll use both in the dough and to pour on in the form of lovely rock salt at the end.” “The second tip is, once you’ve made the pretzels and twisted them, which is pretty easy to figure out, you have to boil them quickly in an alkaline solution. You need to put maybe three or four tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda ina pot and quickly flash-boil your pretzels before you cook them. That’s what’s going to give them the brilliant shiny outer edge that everyone loves.” APRIL 2018 53 54 APRIL 2018 GRAY Fun filled, loving and loyal with a splash of glitz and glamour, meet Mia. Photographer: Sultan Ghahtani Retoucher: Maria Fukushima Text by Nelly Maduna APRIL 2018 55 Were you excited to shoot for FHM? Absolutely! It was definitely a dream come true for me. Tell us something surprising about you? Oh gosh, just one? Well one thing I would consider as surprising about me is that I actually dress like a tomboy in real life - hoodies and joggers. I was never a fan of dresses. Describe yourself in one sentence. I’m a fun filled, loving and loyal girl, but do not waste my time. What are some of your hobbies? I go to the gym a lot! About 7 times a week. I sometimes do two sessions a day as well. I like to travel and I love going out to eat! I also just started falling in love with blogging! What is your favourite word in a different language and what does it mean? Pamilya, it means family in Tagalog. What is your biggest turn on? Intelligence and good hygiene. What turns you off the most? A know it all type of person. Describe your perfect date. Netflix and wine for sure! I love being cosy and I love it more when a person can be cosy with me. What would you consider to be your biggest challenge as a model so far? I guess people assuming that glamour models, like myself, are all beauty with no brains. As a model and an entrepreneur, this is definitely the most challenging. People don’t take you as seriously just because you’re a glamour model. Any last words you can share with the readers? First off, I just want to say thank you again for giving me the opportunity to work with you! And for my readers, happiness is a choice. If you don’t like where you are at this moment, take a risk and do something about it! Life is way too short for what if’s. 56 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 57 58 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 59 : Adventures Survive a great American whiskey trail From Kentucky to Chicago, FHM’s Chris Sayer tries to last a spirit-fuelled pilgrimage to America’s finest drinking holes… Visit a whiskey mecca Drink this: Buffalo Trace Bourbon Drink this: Buffalo Trace BourbonEven if you wake upas jet-lagged as wedid after a 11-hour flight, muster every ounce of energy to visit Buffalo Trace, the world’s most award-winning distillery, in Frankfort, KY. Get a tour from mustachioed old boy Fred, who’s armed with enough history to turn you into a bourbon pro. Lunch is boozy – we fell for a bottle of Eagle Rare. 60 APRIL 2018 How to drink bourbon differently Shun the cola and expand your whiskey horizons with these mixers… Have your mind blown by bourbon Drink this: Stagg Jr Bourbon When we die, scatter our ashes on the bar at the Bluegrass Tavern in Lexington, KY. It’s home to more than 230 bourbons – one of the biggest collections in the States – a killer jukebox and barkeeps serving the best Old Fashioneds on Earth. It was the perfect distraction to the liquored-up couple in the corner basically having full sex all night PHOTOGRAPHY: ALAMY, GETTY, SHUTTERSTOCK. WORDS: CHRIS SAYER Sober up with a pizza pie Drink this: Anti-Hero IPA You’ve not done Chicago unless you’ve fallen into a deep-pan pizza coma at Gino’s East. Kick your bastard hangover’s butt with molten cheese, silky tomato and meat thick enough to put your thumb through, all served and sliced in front of you by jaw-droppingly hot waitresses. Word of warning: it’s impossible to finish one on your own. Back a winner at the Kentucky Derby Drink this: quadruple whiskeys Kentucky’s calcium-rich wateris the reason for two of its most famous exports: powerful whiskey and powerful horses. Although a welcome break from bourbon, a racetrack was probably the worst place to discover that standard spirit measures in the States are 50cl, meaning each double that we drank was actually a quadruple. Every lost bet at the world-class Keeneland Racecourse seemed pretty unimportant after five whiskey mixers. Ginger ale A signature drink of pre-Prohibition America, the ginger flavour makes a perfect partner for your bourbon’s sweet spices. Green tea Yup, sounds funky, but since Japan’s Yamazaki distillery won a ‘world’s best whisky’ award in 2014, who are we to argue with this Asian favourite? Get franken-drunk at The Aviary Drink this: flaming cocktail Chicago’s Aviary may rob you of every dollar on you, but a peek behind the scenes justifies why they can charge R300 for a drink. There’s an army of boffins working to create the stuff of a drunken scientist’s dreams, complete with test tubes, tiny popping balls filled with rum and things on fire. And they have their own ‘ice chef’... Organise a visit to a craft brewery Drink this: Goose Island 312 Urban Wheat Ale Thankfully, Lexington’s airport is slap-bang next to Keeneland Racecourse. So, after stumbling through security and on to our flight to Chicago, there’s plenty of time to round things off with a trip to the city’s best craft brewery: Goose Island. Coconut water The Brazilians are all over whiskey and coconut water, creating a hug-ina-glass roasted coconut taste. APRIL 2018 61 FHM Motoring XC60 SET TO AUTOPILOT XC60 set to start its journey where the previous model left off – near the top. By John Page It’s the car people want that also happens to be safe. Premium desirability wrapped around Volvo’s ethos towards safety. Ever since being acquired by Chinese automaker Geely, the Volvo brand has produced a number of leading SUVs and sedans as masters of their own destiny, left alone to forge models that are refreshingly styled and exquisitely built. The XC60 takes these traits into a segment-size that’s traditionally been one of Volvo’s strongest but now with the advantage of cleaving technology and style from the XC90. Using Volvo’s configurable global platform, the XC60 echoes the commonly-agreed proportions for a family car – roomier than the outgoing XC60 while being nimbler than the XC90. Like all its contemporaries, aside from Discovery Sport, this is a 5-seater SUV that’s road-biased but adapts well from the snow-covered roads in Sweden to the gravel routes in SA. Behind that bluff nose, several versions of Volvo’s Drive-E powertrain can be specified within the 2.0-litre 4-cylinder blueprint. Petrol or diesel, all-wheel drive, automatic, docile or semi-sporty. The line-up could change slightly when XC60 arrives in South Africa in 2018 but it won’t vary by a big degree. FHM preferred the diesel but with the surfeit of autonomous features, the drivetrains can’t help but suffer from some indifference. 62 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 63 Volvo continues to refine autonomous technology not only to lessen the likelihood of accidents but because of the way it effortlessly chauffeurs you through the mundane. In the XC60 you can integrate these functions in every day commuting; adaptive cruise control monitors the distance to the car ahead while massaging the car between the lane markings. Blind spot monitoring will now nudge the car back into its lane if it detects a fast-approaching car while emergency avoidance is greatly assisted through additional 64 APRIL 2018 steering input and stability systems. Disclaimer time: It won’t rescue every mess by itself. Volvo’s ‘driver in the loop’ philosophy is very much a man and machine system where the car can only enhance the driver’s actions. Inside the user experience is unique with two common threads emerging throughout the design. The one focuses on technology with a neatlymounted touchscreen that responds to gestures in the same way as a tablet would. Like the rest of the cabin’s design, the screen’s menus have a minimalist appearance and is ultimately a fine tactile substitute for traditional buttons. The other thread concerns itself with organic materials like driftwood, seat softness that mimics the sensation of floating, cold-touch surfaces and inviting colours. Sometimes pared-back, other times comfortably homely. The XC60 is the watershed moment for Volvo, combining recent advancements into a size-to-lifestyle package which is rapidly replacing sedans and MPVs. FHM Motoring DUSTER SWEEPS UP THE COMPETITION No frills or bells and whistles for the price? By John Page Renault’s Duster built itself a reputation as the low-cost 4x4 that could successfully master tricky situations that other expensive options couldn’t. Since 2013 the Duster range has grown steadily on either side of the 4x2 and 4x4 options. The latest spicing of the brochure sees Renault add the EDC automatic gearbox to the 4x2 model. Power to the front wheels comes from the 1.5-litre turbo diesel with stout torque for its size but equally lauded for low consumption. The exterior hints at a rudimentary no frills boxiness but items like navigation, cruise control, rear parking sensor soften the utilitarian theme that juggles its ride height with road holding rather well. This is to be commended. Yep, it’s hardly revolutionary and the visual appeal is polarising yet Duster is one of the few cars that unashamedly wears its heart on its sleeve with surprising pizzazz. APRIL 2018 65 FHM Motoring LEANER MEANER M4 Latest in a long line of special editions By John Page BMW’s fettled another lightweight, faster version of its venerable M4 which distils extensive track testing for road use. Taking up rank between the M4 Competition Package and the limited-run M4 GTS, BMW has revived the CS nameplate to coincide with cosmetic updates applied to the entire 4 Series range. Minus the roll cage, jutting front splitter and slab of rear wing, the M4 CS borrows plenty from the GTS. Carbon fibre places it on a frisky diet, rear tyres come from Michelin’s top secret garage, the exhaust system is lighter (louder too) while BMW’s twin turbocharged engine undergoes a precise power upgrade. For all the track surgery, M4 CS is better on the road than the standard M4 by plying grip in a progressive way while the engine’s soundtrack is raucous at redline. From a standstill, it will hit 100km/h in 3.9 seconds with a top speed over 300km/h. This is an easier M4 to drive up to, and over, the limit. But there are compromises, all of them from inside the car. All practical features have been gutted so there are no door cards or centre console to store personal items. The climate control reduced from dual climate to a cheaper single unit yet retains the Head Up Display with iDrive’s full array of features. A somewhat confused M4 that forgoes many day-to-day comforts in the quest to yield an exhilarating drive. As BMW’s halo model within M Division, this is their way of keeping up with the insatiable demand for special editions. 66 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 67 KING OF THE WHIP 2018 Photos by Eric Palmer A new King has been crowned. On Saturday the 24th of February, the King of the Whip Best Whip competition presented by LW Mag and Monster Energy in association with PlayStation, Motul, Dunlop Tyres, EVS and Just1 took place at Biker’s Warehouse in South Africa. With a display of big and stylish whips it was Freestyle Motocross rider Dallan Goldman who claimed the title in front of thousands of screaming fans. The country’s top Motocross and Freestyle Motocross riders gathered to compete head-to-head for the 2018 King of the Whip title. A rider introduction train kicked off proceedings and gave the crowd a small taste of what was about to be witnessed before heading into the qualifying rounds. The huge 20-metre long by 8-metre wide landing gave riders the opportunity to push their limits resulting in an exciting and closely fought whip contest. 68 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 69 Whip (Noun): A maneuver performed on a motorcycle, usually during a motocross or freestyle motocross contest, in which the rider brings the rear of the motorcycle abruptly around to either side. Performed while the machine is airborne off a jump. In very extreme whips, the rear of the motorcycle will end up perpendicular to the direction of travel, in addition to the motorcycle being laid flat. The purpose of the whip is to show off, to alter the trajectory of the bike in flight, and to scrub speed over jumps. Through the four qualifying rounds, riders had the opportunity to showcase their whip skills for the judges and fans. The judges, three two-wheeled motorsport legends – Brendan Potter (FMX), Richie van der Westhuizen (MX) and Brent Le Rieche (Trails), took on the hard task of eliminating riders into a 13-man semi-final. Riders were judged on style, amplitude and variation. As the sun set and the lights came out, the semi-finalists took to the course. The last chance to huck their best whips possible before being eliminated into the six-rider final. An 70 APRIL 2018 insane display of the biggest whips, a host of styles and variations resulted in 15 minutes of adrenaline-fuelled mayhem. Alastair Sayer (FMX), Caleb Tennant (MX), Camz Odendaal (MX), Dallan Goldman (FMX), Grant Frerichs (MX) and Neels van Niekerk (MX) impressed the judges to secure their slot in the final. Each rider was given five jumps to claim the title. Each rider with their own style and variation of whips made for an extremely close and exciting final. Dallan Goldman upped his game in the final putting it all on the line to clinch the crown and title of ‘King of the Whip’ 2018 and claimed the R20 000 cash prize. Event first timer Grant Frerichs followed in 2nd with 2017 King of the Whip Alastair Sayer finishing in 3rd. King of the Whip organiser, Ryan van der Spuy said, “The time and effort that went into making this event possible was worth ever second. ‘Bigger and better’ is an understatement as all expectations were exceeded. To the sponsors, everyone involved and the fans – Thank you! It was a privilege to watch the riders put on such a great show – this event is for them”. Dallan Goldman upped his game in the final putting it all on the line to clinch the crown and title of ‘King of the Whip’ 2018 APRIL 2018 71 72 APRIL 2018 LEWIS HAMILTON We sat down with Lewis Hamilton to discuss his return to the track and the all new F1 W09 EQ Power+, the most advanced Mercedes F1 car ever built… Lewis, today you’ll get to take the new F1 W09 EQ Power+ on the track. Last week you visited Brackley. How did it feel to be back? It felt great to be back. It’s always such a great working environment in the factory. The first time back in the year is always exciting because there’s great anticipation of the car being built. It’s very humbling to see everything coming together. People have worked so hard on this car, committed for such a long period of time. I’m just keen to get out there and take it to its limits. I’m one of only two people who get to drive it and there’s this proud feeling because I know how much work has gone into getting the car ready. The new car is more than a machine – it’s the most advanced Mercedes F1 car ever built, but it also represents more than a thousand years’ worth of working hours as well as the team’s hopes and dreams. Does that put extra pressure on you? To be honest, the pressure I put on myself has always been the most. But there’s added pressure. You’re nervous about damaging the car that all these people have worked so hard on – but I know that they don’t think about that. They know that I am going to give it everything and that’s what they want to see. I know what potential I have in me and I just want to make sure I utilise that and bring the out the maximum of potential of the great machine the team has built. 2018 will be your sixth season with Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport, your record with the team is impressive. How do you feel when you look back on the time with the team so far? It’s hard to believe that it’s already our sixth year together. It feels like it’s gone by so quick. I remember my first time coming to the factory in Brackley, doing my first seat fit and it’s just strange to think that now we’re here as far down the line. It has just been a dream experience – working with the greatest team and extending my relationship with Mercedes who I signed with when I was 13. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster together. How do think the team has developed over the past five years? Already when I first came it felt like a real racing team – with the factory and the way it is set up. But the team has come such a long way since then. Having Toto at the forefront of it, seeing his vision come together, it’s really quite remarkable how the factory and the energy in the buildings has shifted. The working environment is just phenomenal, it has improved so much and to see that reflected in the work that people are doing is incredibly impressive and inspiring. It’s been amazing to see. Looking into the future – where does the team need to develop? Mercedes already is the best team and it continues to grow into a stronger team. The foundation is very strong and now they’re putting the right building bricks in place. I think the team is going to continue to grow and I hope that I can be a part of that for as long as I can. APRIL 2018 73 Who do you think will be our main competitors this year? It’s difficult to say at the moment, but naturally you can imagine that it is going to be very close with Ferrari and Red Bull who were so competitive at the end of the year. But maybe another team will surprise as well. We see a few changes for the new season – less power unit components, the halo, new tyre compounds. What do you make of that? It’s getting harder and harder for the team in Brixworth and the people in Brackley, but they’re continuously rising to the challenge which is great to see. I think it will be tough for everyone this year with the regulation changes. It puts more emphasis on me, making sure that I’m very careful with the engine. We just need to make sure that we maximise it as much as possible. Reliability will continue to be a key player in the sport as it has been in previous years. But I know that I’ve got the best team working as hard as they can to make sure that we’re at the forefront of that. 74 APRIL 2018 With the introduction of the halo the minimum weight of the car increased by 5 kilograms to 733 kilograms. What impact does that have from a driver’s perspective? The car is getting pretty heavy year on year and that does affect the car when you’re driving it. Adding weight just slows the car down, but it gets faster with development again. I think at the moment seeing the halo on the car is quite alien to us, but I’m sure we will get used to it and it will become the norm before we know it. In 2018, we will go back to Hockenheim in Germany and also race at Paul Ricard in France. What are your thoughts about that? I remember my first time to Hockenheim. I think I was 13, I went along with Nico. I was sitting with Ron and he was asking us if we could cope with being in the same team as kids. That was at the old Hockenheim circuit which was one of my favourites back then. But the track is still great as it is now. It’s quite small but it has that big long straight in the back which creates good racing. I’m excited to be going back, Germany has such a great fan base for motor racing. It’s important that we go to countries where there is a long lifeblood of fans because this sport would be nothing without its fans. We are going to new countries and new territories which currently might not have a real fan base and the goal is always to encourage new people to join. But we can’t ignore the true fans that are at the heart and core of this sport. So, I’m really glad that we’re going back to both Germany and France. Last question: What are you most excited about in 2018? I’m just looking forward to racing again. It’s crazy – I’ve been racing forever, but it’s still freaking good. I still get the buzz. So, I’m just excited to get back into it. I could pretty much race every day. APRIL 2018 75 F1the Mercedes-AMG NEVERF1 W09SLEEPS: EQ Power+ unveiled There’s a storm brewing at Silverstone. In a darkened pit garage the covers have been pulled off one of the most eagerly anticipated race cars of 2018. After a long winter which followed in the wake of the Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport Team wrapping up a fourth consecutive constructors’ championship, and a further driver’s title with Lewis Hamilton at the wheel; the vehicle to carry the entire Silver Arrows family’s hopes and dreams is out of the box. The new car has some serious shoes to fill. 12 race wins, 15 pole positions – more than any other team on the grid – are just the recent highlights of a record breaking past season. It’s little wonder why then, that the factories at Brackley and Brixworth have logged thousands of hours since the flag dropped in Abu Dhabi, to pull together over 40,000 parts to create the team’s most advanced Formula One car ever. Evolution is the watchword with the Mercedes-AMG F1 W09 EQ Power+. The all-new F1 W09 EQ Power+ shares a big portion of its DNA from its predecessor, and as such carries a range of 76 APRIL 2018 subtle developments which will add up to a package which will hopefully destroy the competition, come lights out at race one in Australia on March 25th. At first glance the most obvious change is the introduction of the Halo safety device, above the driver’s cockpit. Further aerodynamic regulation changes extend to the banning of the ‘monkey seat’ - a small wing underneath the main rear wing of the car – and the T-shaped wings, which featured on the rear bodywork of most cars throughout 2017. According to reigning champion Lewis Hamilton, the new car comes with a warning to the competition too; “This is better than last year’s car in every aspect. It looks quite similar but inside, underneath the shell, and even the bodywork, it’s all refined to perform even better than it did last year. “Formula One never sleeps. When we aren’t racing, then the team are hard at work developing the car. Days like today are incredibly proud moments for me - to be able to be part of such a great team and see the new season’s car all together in one piece for the first time. To see it all together is such a work of art, and there are only two of us that get to drive it. “I’m just looking forward to racing again. It’s crazy – I’ve been racing forever, but it’s still freaking good. I still get the buzz. So, I’m just excited to get back into it. I could pretty much race every day.” Under the low-slung silver and electric blue painted skin of the car sits a revised version of Mercedes-AMG Motorsports all conquering powertrain. Pushing out 1000bhp. The new engine and power train has been rebuilt to be 40% more efficient, to conform to the new rules which state teams are only allowed to race with just three engines per driver per championship and two ERS systems. With 21 Grand Prix scheduled for the year– making 2018 the joint-longest season in F1 history – there was no time to waste. Valtteri Bottas jumped in the car first to complete initial shakedown and filming laps around Silverstone’s International Circuit. “It’s really amazing to know how many hours have been spent on designing and manufacturing the new car and how much effort people have put into it,” explained Valtteri. “As a driver you feel really special to be able to drive this machine”. “I want to use all the things that I learned last year”, explained Valtteri. “This year is all about executing and delivering the results. For me, consistency is the key. I had some really good races, but then I had races where I was not on the level I wanted to be. I want to be on a good level on every single race weekend – that’s going to be the goal for me this year. I definitely want to fight for the championship”. While the absolute maximum distance a team can lap at an initial shakedown is 100km, the Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport Team won’t have to wait long to start unleashing the true potential of their new creation. Pre-season testing started on February 26th in Barcelona, Spain. APRIL 2018 77 Valtteri Bottas We met up with Valtteri Bottas, the first person to drive the W09 EQ Power+. He also chats to us about his goals for the year… Valtteri, last year you had a hectic winter as you joined Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport at short notice. How was your winter this year? This year I could really relax, focus on my health and my training. I did a lot of training, especially in January and February. I’m feeling fresh, healthy and fit for the new season. You spent a few days in the factory in the past weeks. How would you describe the atmosphere in the team? 78 APRIL 2018 It’s always really interesting to go to the factory for the first time after the break, to see how things have been going since December. Even though people get some holiday over Christmas and New Year, there are always people at the factory working on the new car. It’s really interesting to see how the winter has been going, how the new car is coming together. I had a number of meetings with my engineers regarding the approach for the new season. I also did quite a lot of simulator work for winter testing and the season ahead. You will be the first person to drive the new Mercedes-AMG F1 W09 EQ Power+, our challenger for the 2018 season. How does that feel? It’s really amazing to know how many hours have been spent on designing and manufacturing the new car and how much effort people have put into it. As a driver you feel really special to be able to drive that machine. We all just hope that it’s going to be a good machine, a quick one. 2018 comes with a few changes – the halo, less power units to be used per driver per championship. What are your thoughts on that? I have done more than one race distance in the simulator with the halo and I got used to it during the first race. Initially it was a bit weird to see the halo, but I got completely used to it; it’s not disturbing any more so I’m fine with it. I’m sure it’s going to look a bit strange for all the fans initially as well because there’s never been anything like that on a Formula One car. But as it is with all the changes in the past, something new always looks a bit weird in the beginning, before people get used to it. If the halo can protect even from a small injury, then that’s a good rule change. Regarding the power units, we hope to keep a similar level of reliability to last year when we were very reliable. That’s all thanks to all the hard work in Brixworth. We hope that the new PUs will be powerful and reliable and that we won’t have any issues with the new regulations. Formula One is coming back to Germany in 2018 and will also see the addition of a French GP at Paul Ricard. How do you feel about that? I’ve raced so many times at Hockenheim: the first time was probably in 2007 with Formula Renault. And I’ve been racing there in F3 as well and GP3. It’s always been a great circuit to go to. And I have good memories from the 2014 F1 race, when I came in second with Lewis just behind me. Hopefully we can get the same result this year – just one place better. And it will be good to go back with Mercedes as it will be a home race for us. That’s your goal for Hockenheim. But what’s your goal for the season? I want to use all the things that I learned last year. This year is all about executing and delivering the results. For me, consistency is the key. I had some really good races, but then I had races where I was not on the level I wanted to be. I want to be on a good level on every single race weekend – that’s going to be the goal for me this year. I definitely want to fight for the championship. going to be really interesting how it’s going to be. We saw a close battle with Ferrari last year. Who do you think are going to be the main competitors this year? Number one will be the first time getting into the new car. It’s always super exciting to drive the new car for the first time and get a feel for it. And knowing that so many hours of work have gone in to it makes it even more special. Number two will be Melbourne. It’s always really cool to get on the starting grid for the first time and seeing what we can do as a team compared to the others. And number three: I’m looking forward to all the new wins and a good end result for the year. On paper, Ferrari and Red Bull look like they will be our toughest competitors. But we should not underestimate any other teams. It’s a new season and you never know what people in other teams have come up with. McLaren and Renault can be very strong. And you never know about Williams either they have shown some strengths in the past few years. So it’s What are the three things you’re most excited about in 2018? APRIL 2018 79 : Expert Sleep like a log Spend less time locked in mortal combat with your pillow and more of it in snooze town… Professor Adrian J Williams is a founding member of The British Sleep Foundation and a consultant at The London Sleep Centre, Harley Street. He has been studying sleep for more than 40 years and literally knows more about dozing than you could ever dream of… Instead of going for a serious page turner, try reading short stories such as Ernest Hemingway’s Men Without Women. 02 01 YOU’RE PROBABLY AN INSOMNIAC “If you’re having trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking up and still feeling tired, then that’s insomnia. Obviously it’s quite subjective, but if this is happening four or more nights a week, then you could be an insomniac. Around one in 10 people suffer from the condition and might not even realise. Bad sleep leaves you feeling fatigued and can affect cognition throughout the day.” THERE’S NO MAGIC NUMBER “It’s a myth that everybody should have nine hours of sleep every night. The truth is that that’s an average across society: 50% of people may need more and 50% of people may need less. So the actual range is between four and 10 hours, depending on the person. If you feel great after just four hours’ sleep, then that’s probably all that you need…” 04 03 NOD OFF WITH YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK “We live in a 24/7 society where people are constantly exposed to too much light in the evenings from things like computers and smartphones. Using brightly lit objects such as these can delay your body clock. If you find reading helps you relax before bed, try picking up a real book instead of getting out your iPad or Kindle.” TURN OFF YOUR BLUE LIGHT “Light exposure automatically switches off your melatonin secretion, which is the substance that you make at night to help you sleep. Blue light is the main stimulus of the body clock. We often prescribe blue-light treatment in the mornings to shift the body clock. But if you’re exposed to blue light in the evening, it will delay it. You can actually get apps now that block out blue light so it affects you less in the evening.” Hot water bottle. Boon Glo night light. Flip alarm clock by Lexon. 80 APRIL 2018 Block out all the light with a sleep masl. Be a genius: sleep like one of the greats… True Grace room freshener. 06 05 SEX AND SNOOZE “Too many people fill their bedroom with technology such as televisions and computers, or they keep their smartphone at a constant arm’s length. Using your bedroom for things other than sleep and sex distorts the idea of what the bedroom is for, and that hampers your ability to get into the right mindset for sleep.” EXERCISE WON’T WIPE YOU OUT “You might think an evening gym session will burn off lots of energy and wipe you out for a good night’s sleep, but it actually does the opposite. It raises your body temperature, which can throw your body clock, and also generates adrenaline, which will disturb your sleep. Keep your exercises to the morning or late afternoon so you can read just before bed.” 07 Winston Churchill Britain’s war-winning PM hit the hay at 5pm every day for a two-hour nap, claiming it allowed him to get 1.5 days’ work done in just 24 hours. SLEEP WHEN YOU’RE TIRED “Obviously it’s not always realistic, but you should only go to bed when you’re tired and make sure that you wake at a regular time. Most insomniacs spend too much time in bed: they try to sleep when they’re not tired and just end up lying there. Go to bed when you’re sleepy. If you’re awake tossing and turning, you shouldn’t be in bed. Get up and be productive.” Salvador Dalí The artist encouraged sleep-deprived creativity by snoozing with a heavy metal key in his hand, which when dropped, would wake him up. Retro Lamp. Charles Dickens This author carried a compass to ensure he both wrote and slept while facing north. It didn’t cure his insomnia though… *FHM takes no Get yourself a comfy pillow to catch those 40 winks. responsibility for injuries caused by sleeping like a lunatic. APRIL 2018 81 PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR, SHUTTERSTOCK Leonardo da Vinci Artist, scientist and inventor da Vinci maintained his productivity by sleeping for 20 minutes every four hours. Shirt: COTTON ON T-shirt: TOPMAN Jeans: TOPMAN Shoes: ZARA Watch: OMEGA 82 APRIL 2018 LAZY AUTUMN DAYS By Lexie Rob APRIL 2018 83 Jacket: ZARA T-shirt: TOPMAN: Pants: COTTON ON Watch: CALVIN KLEIN 84 APRIL 2018 T-shirt: TOPMAN Jeans: TOPMAN Shoes: ZARA Watch: OMEGA APRIL 2018 85 Boardshorts: Cotton On 86 APRIL 2018 T-shirt: TOPMAN Pants: COTTON ON Watch: BELL & ROSS Bag: ZARA APRIL 2018 87 True story: “This was the kind of mission most folks can only experience in a video game or a cinema…” John McPhee has spent a lifetime in some of the most dangerous war zones of the last 20 years, including Bosnia, South America, Iraq and, as told here, Afghanistan. An army ranger and a United States Army Special Forces ‘Green Beret’, John quickly rose to the top of the US’s premier counter-terrorism unit, Delta Force, where he was one of the first operators dropped into Afghanistan after 9/11. JOHN MCPHEE’S (SECOND FROM LEFT) DELTA FORCE RECCE TROOP, AFGHANISTAN, 2001 “THE YEAR WAS 2002 AND I WAS A DELTA SNIPER, ALREADY ON MY THIRD TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN. My squadron and I had been running rampant in the region for one specific purpose: to hunt and kill Osama Bin Laden. Various sources had said that he’d skated to Pakistan, while others believed he’d been winged by one of the smart bombs we’d dropped on al-Qaeda hideouts deep in the Tora Bora mountains. “We found a source who told us about an al-Qaeda safe house in a village deep in a mountain valley where a senior MAM [Military Aged Male], a leathery man dubbed Ghul Ahmed, was the same cat that had hid the wounded Bin Laden when he fled there the previous December. That was enough to shuffle Ghul Ahmed’s centre mass into the unit’s sights.” “I WAS ASKED DIRECTLY BY MY TROOP COMMANDER IF I’D VOLUNTEER FOR A SOLO MISSION. It was to infiltrate the village and gather intel 88 APRIL 2018 on Ghul Ahmed. It was the rare kind of mission that isn’t assigned. The type where the outcome is so uncertain that they only ask for volunteers. The kind of gig most folks can only experience from a seat in the local theatre or tunnel visioned in a video game. “The brief was simple. Go alone with no support, obtain video evidence of Ghul Ahmed’s presence and get information on the target building. Then I’d move out unseen – and alive – to lead an assault force back to the village to capture or kill Ghul Ahmed. It all sounded sketchy, but as a Delta Force sniper, a mission like this is part of the job description.” “THE FIRST STEP WAS SORTING OUT MY DISGUISE. I already had a beard that made the Taliban envious to which I added tattered clothing, similar to the ones worn by the locals, and a floppy wool mujahideen hat. Blending in while in plain sight was my forte. Most males in Nangarhar Province also openly carried a weapon, so I added my own beat-up AK-47 to my disguise. My basic load was a compact video camera and satellite phone, both carried in an inconspicuous plastic cigarette bag.” “DEPARTING THE BAGRAM AIRBASE, MY FIRST STOP WAS A SAFE HOUSE IN JALALABAD. From there, my journey had me hopscotching between local vans and logging trucks that wound their way through the massive mountain peaks and mud-walled villages in the region. “Any form of transport to the mountain villages also doubled as a taxi, crammed with locals. So I sat in that packed truck for three frozen, bone-shaking days. Not speaking Pashto, the language in that region of Afghanistan, I drew upon my acting skills to avoid having to speak and pretended to be cerebrally challenged. JOHN MCPHEE, THE “SHERIFF” OF BAGHDAD P R E PA R I N G F O R ACTION IN IRAQ Nobody bothers large, scarylooking people that don’t seem completely there, especially if they’re carrying an assault rifle.” “THE CHECKPOINTS WE PASSED THROUGH WERE HAIR-RAISING EVENTS. The tribesmen who guarded the boundaries between unmarked territories were known for indiscriminately killing travellers and ransacking their possessions. In a movie, a character would simply slip the guard a hundred spot and bribe his way through. In reality, that technique would have gotten me killed as they’d just suspect me of having more money. “After a few days of travelling in cramped conditions through hostile territory, we reached the target village. I knew exactly which building to look for from poring over satellite photos and just needed to covertly capture footage. With my handheld video camera clutched under my armpit, I filmed the target’s two-story mud and wood house as we drove through the valley. We slowly trundled along over basketball-sized boulders, and I could clearly see males in the target building but couldn’t confirm Ghul Ahmed was home. I’d observed too much activity for him not to be though, and that was confirmation for me.” “ALL THAT I HAD TO DO THEN WAS GET OUT AND TRANSMIT THE FOOTAGE BACK TO BASE. Reverting back to ‘character’, a family offered me food and a bed not far from the target house. Later, while everyone slept, I grabbed my AK-47 and made my move, waking a truck driver and forcing him back to his truck at gunpoint. The driver was clueless as I pushed him out of the house for the long trip back to Jalalabad. “Several days later, I was once again bouncing down the same uneven track, only this time I wasn’t alone. Twenty-two heavily-armed Delta Force operators were hidden, Trojan Horse-style, in the back of two logging trucks. After navigating a seven-hour drive through the checkpoints we pulled up just short of the target building and manoeuvred the steep rock face on foot. We managed to slip through the neighbourhood without disturbing anybody, and positioned ourselves just shy of the target building.” “THEN THE ORDERS CAME: ‘I HAVE CONTROL, STANDBY… 5,4,3,2,1 EXECUTE’. The takedown was precise and rapid. An irritated Ghul Ahmed was captured as he lay sleeping in his bed next to a naked woman. Mission accomplished. It was a textbook operation that took five minutes without a single shot fired. We learned a lot on that mission, specifically that we had to be a lot smarter in how we operated and theway we would roll in the future. There was a ton more workto be done before Bin Laden would finally be killed almost 10 years later in 2011.” What happened next? 01 John McPhee was awarded his second Bronze Star for valour for combat operations in Afghanistan. 02 A month after the mission that killed Osama Bin Laden, McPhee retired from the army as a sergeant major. 03 Combat-grizzled with years of first-hand experience, he is now one of the world’s premier shooting instructors. He now trains civilians, law enforcers and tactical SWAT teams in special operations tactics and shooting skills. Details on John McPhee’s training courses can be found at sobtactical.com APRIL 2018 89 90 APRIL 2018 LEE KIM Photography by Walt Weiss This blonde bombshell is definitely the complete package - she know her way around the kitchen as well as cars and has a head for business. APRIL 2018 91 Thanks for sitting down with us Shana, we were super excited to have you feature this month. How did you feel when you received the news? I was incredibly excited! Thank you for this opportunity! If you weren’t a model, what would you be? A chef most likely, or something involved with the local community. In a perfect world, I would be a travel blogger or show host - my dream jobs! Who is your celeb crush? Alexander Skarsgard. There’s just something about him, but Bill Murray will always have my heart. What is the one thing about yourself that you wish more people knew? I’m very handy and I know my way around a car. My dad was a mechanic, so I’ve been greasy and under a car since I was 5. What does your typical day look like? I have my morning cup of tea and then I feed the pets. I’ll have breakfast and get ready then head to a shoot. If I’m not shooting, then I’m usually answering emails, managing my social media, running errands, doing chores around the house, prepping for the next shoot, taking the dogs on walks and making sure I have everything for dinner - I do the cooking. I usually work out before dinner and, depending on the day, it’ll be weights or yoga. When you are not busy modelling, what is your favourite thing to do? Being outside and enjoying nature or staying in and watching an old horror movie with a glass of wine. I love to explore and go hiking with my dogs or going camping and kayaking. I’m scuba certified too, so planning dive trips are fun! There’s no better feeling than the peacefulness you experience underwater while interacting with the marine life. Which three words best describe you? Adventurous, empathetic, strong. Tell us a bit about your most embarrassing moment. Oh geez, which one? One time in 92 APRIL 2018 high school, a soccer buddy and I were kicking plastic bottles in the gym on the basketball court. We were trying to see who could get it closest to the goal from half court. Well, I kicked so hard and completely whiffed(missed) that my legs went up in the air and I fell right on my bum! In front of everyone! It was embarrassing, but a good laugh! Do you have anyone special in your life? Tell us a bit more. Yes, I do. I’m married to a wonderful man who understands me and supports my endeavours. Plus, we both love a good horror movie. Where to from here? What are your plans for the future? I’m not sure. I’d love to continue modelling, but I also have some entrepreneurial endeavours I may want to take on. There are lots of opportunities out there, but I’ll have to go with my gut. I don’t know, maybe you’ll find me on my own mini farm one day APRIL 2018 93 94 APRIL 2018 APRIL 2018 95 10 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE FUNNY 06 Toilet paper stuck to shoe If you’ve just exited a pub toilet and you’ve got a metre of bog roll trailing from your shoe, then you may as well call it a night and go home immediately because you’re never going to regain your dignity. You are now the Official Pub Clown Of The Evening, and nobody will take anything you say seriously for the rest of time. 05 10 Crap impersonations Accurate celebrity impressions are good, but for gut-busting funniness you can’t beat one that’s so wide of the mark that it’s utterly ridiculous. Like how your Uncle Ron’s impression of Cheryl Cole always comes out as an elderly Jamaican lady with a bad concussion. So awesome. 09 Your mate getting crabs Men never stop finding genitals hilarious, so it’s always funny when your close mate catches a nonpermanent but superembarrassing STD. Crabs are the funniest, because they’re called “crabs” and pubes are involved. 08 Your mate stacking it Ever since prehistoric man pulled himself upright onto two legs and 96 APRIL 2018 took his first tentative steps towards civilisation, he has been falling on his arse. And since man has been falling on his arse, man’s mate has been on hand to laugh so hard that he gets a stitch. 07 Right text, wrong person We live in hyper-connected times, and we’re all firing off so many emails, texts, DMs and WhatsApps that, every so often, we’re bound to send the exact wrong message to the Flatulence Farts so obviously belong on this list but there are a few variables that determine the hilarity of any given air-biscuit. For example: a baby’s fart is hilarious, but an 80-yearold’s? Not so much. A stranger farting at the next urinal is funny; a stranger farting in the next toilet stall is just gross. And a noisy fart is funnier than a stinky fart – unless you are the architect of the latter, you’re within an enclosed space with your friends, and there’s no escape. 04 Small children swearing Hearing a preschool child absentmindedly drop an unexpected F-bomb in public will always be funny for two reasons: firstly, the child invariably has no idea of the huge shock waves they’ve just unleashed on everyone in the vicinity. Secondly, the child’s parent wishes the ground would open up and swallow them whole. 03 Old people’s tech fails Whether it’s your mum accidentally entering “buttock stretch-mark pills” as a Facebook status rather than a Google search, or your grandad telling everyone he’s been emailed by an African prince who wants to make him rich, you can’t beat ye olde folkes getting the modern world all wrong. 02 Someone else’s catastrophic hangover Your own hangovers are no laughing matter: your brain hurts, you’re consumed by a nameless dread, and everything is wretched. But if you’re hangover-free and your mate is in absolute bits, their pitiful sighings, twitchings and almostvomitings will keep you tickled pink all day. 01 Unfortunate names The following are all 100% genuine names, currently belonging to actual human beings that roam the earth: Mike Litoris. BJ Cobbledick. Dick Smalley. Flavour Balls. Phat Ho. Dick Dong Wang. Harold A Ballitch. We could go on, but by now you’re either snorking like an idiot (in which case, well done, you are alive) or you’ve remained resolutely stone-faced (in which case, a bit of bad news: you are dead). See you next month... WORDS: JOE MADDEN. PHOTOGRAPHY: REX most perfectly wrong person. If you’ve ever been with someone who’s just accidentally sexted their mum then you’ll get where we’re going with this. O&M CAPE TOWN 3282/E BORN TO PERFORM. S e t t h e p a c e w i t h t h e s t r o n g e r, s l e e k e r a n d f a s t e r m e m b e r s of Audi Spor t. Outdrive your rivals with superior speed in the all-new members of A u d i S p o r t : t h e A u d i R 8 S p y d e r, R S 5 C o u p e , T T R S C o u p e , R S 3 S e d a n and RS3 Sportback. Being introduced throughout 2017, these sports cars allow you to experience the spirit of the track unleashed on the r o a d w i t h a d v a n c e d t e c h n o l o g y a n d p o w e r f u l r a c i n g a b i l i t y. Ta k e y o u r p i c k a n d j o i n t h e # L e a g u e o f P e r f o r m a n c e V i s i t w w w. a u d i . c o m /e n /a u d i s p o r t I T ’ S T H E B E A U T Y. A N D T H E B E A S T. T h e L e a g u e o f P e r f o r m a n c e w e l c o m e s a n e w G r a n Tu r i s m o : the all-new Audi RS 5 Coupé. T h e n e w G r a n Tu r i s m o o f t h e L e a g u e o f P e r f o r m a n c e hides a fierce 2.9 litre twin-turbocharged engine behind sculpted cur ves. An 8-speed Tiptronic transmission and 331kW of power thrust the all-new Audi RS 5 Coupé from 0 – 1 0 0 k m / h i n 3 . 9 s e c o n d s . I t ’s r e m a r k a b l e p e r f o r m a n c e in a polished package. Born on the track. Built for the road. Join the #LeagueofPerformance Visit audi.co.za or contact your nearest Audi Dealership for more.