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FHM Australia - April 2018

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AUSTRALIA
EXCLUSIVE
INTERVIEWS
WITH LEWIS HAMILTON
AND VALTTERI BOTTAS
FEELING
MANLY?
TAKE OUR
BLOKE TEST
STEP ASIDE
LADIES,THE
KITCHEN
IS MAN’S
TERRITORY
ARE YOU MAN
ENOUGH FOR
FIFTY SHADES
OF KINKY?
COULD YOU
HANDLE YOUR
DREAM JOB?
CAN YOU HANDLE
50 SHADES OF
GREY INSPIRED
SEX?
FHMAUSTRALIA.COM
AUST$ 4.99
08164
9 771562 469000
TRACY LEAR
VIKING PRINCESS, COUNTRY GIRL AND E-COMMERCE BOSS
SELENE
COLLECTION
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much a symbol of the magnificent night as the
proverbial light in the darkness.
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3
THINGS THAT WE ARE
LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS MONTH
2018 SUPER RUGBY SEASON
17 February 2018 – 04 August 2018
THE TEAM
IT’S GREAT TO BE A MAN
Publisher & CEO – Dirk Steenekamp
Sales Director - Pieter Lourens
Creative Director – Jodie Graves
Digital and Client Manager – Lexi Robb
The 2018 Super Rugby season is the 23rd season of Super Rugby,
Managing Editor – Gina DuPont
an annual rugby union competition organised by SANZAAR between
Grooming Editor – Greg Forbes
teams from Argentina, Australia, Japan, New Zealand and South Africa.
Gaming Editor – Andre Coetzer
FLOATFEST
Tech Editor – Peter Wolff
07 - 08 April 2018
Illustrations Editor – Toon53 Prod.
Floatfest is a family focused event attempting to break a World Record
Motoring Editor – John Page
Attempt for the largest number of floating kayaks and canoes by
“Paddling into the Record Books”. The weekend also encompasses
Features Editor - Samantha Jack
fun for the kids with “Come and try” canoeing, Houseboats open for
Senior Photographer – Charlemagne Olivier
inspection, lots of fun and activities for all, stalls, markets, regional food,
Senior Photo Editor – Luba V Nel
and much, much more.
Venue: Sturt Reserve BBQ Facilities, Murray Bridge, Australia
Senior Designer - Socrates Christodoulou
Time: 10am – 4pm
Cost: $12.60 – $17.70 (Online registration essential)
JULIA CREEK DIRT N DUST FESTIVAL
For more information:
Phone: 010 006 0051
Julia Creek Dirt n Dust Festival features a display of horse races, bull
Address: Fourways Office Park, Cnr. Fourways
Boulevard and Roos Street, Fourways, Sandton, 2055
rides, live music, Australia’s Best Butt competition and novelty events
Email: info@untapped.co.za
Venue: Townsville, Queensland, Australia
Web: http://www.fhmaustralia.com/
13 - 15 April 2018
Time: 9am – 6pm
Cost: $35 - $80
Facebook: @fhmAustralia
Twitter: @fhmaus
Instagram: fhm_australia
FHM Australia is published by Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd in South Africa for Australia. Material in this publication, including text and images,
is protected by copyright. It may not be copied, reproduced, republished, posted, broadcast, or transmitted in any way without written consent of Untapped
World Publishing (Pty) Ltd. The views and opinions expressed in FHM Australia by the contributors may not represent the views of the publishers. Untapped
World Publishing (Pty) Ltd as well as its employees accept no responsibility for any loss that may be suffered by any person who relies totally or partially upon
any information, description, or pictures contained herein. Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd is not liable for any mistake, misprint, or typographic errors.
All prices shown are in AUD. Any submissions to FHM Australia become the property of Untapped World Publishing (Pty) Ltd.
2
APRIL 2018
CONTENTS 04/18
Spoiler alert!
LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU
DON’T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT’S IN THE ISSUE
Neon food? Has to be Heston p40
Kentucky booze trail p60
Fifty shades of pain… p20
Lewis Hamilton returns to F1 p72
The best kind of dogs p44
This month’s FHM Girlfriend, Tracy Lear pg p28
ACCESS
FEATURES
20 SEX, 50 SHADES-STYLE
28 FHM GIRLFRIEND
A shotgun guide to
bondage from Dirty
Sanchez’s Matt
Pritchard, before the
steamiest film of the year
gives your girlfriend
some ideas…
44 COOK KILLER CORN DOGS
Our record-spinning,
meat-searing foodmaster,
DJ BBQ, teaches you how
to make a tasty US
classic.
96 THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
10 things that will
always be funny - it’s a
proven fact.
Scandinavian princess,
country girl, boss and
e-commerce beauty
queen, meet Tracy Lear.
68 KING OF THE WHIP
The country’s top Motocross
and Freestyle Motocross
riders gathered to compete
head-to-head for the 2018
King of the Whip title.
36 COULD YOU…
Run a brilliant brewery?
Start your own wrestling
federation? Write a
best-seller? Guys who
have taken the plunge
tell you how you can do
the same (and not go
bankrupt in the process).
90 A MAN’S GUIDE TO
BAKING
The time’s come: roll up
those sleeves, flour all the
surfaces and get ready to
be intimate with some
dough. Baking is, at long
last, manly.
Man, meet mixer p90
UPGRADE
72 LEWIS HAMILTON
His return to the track
and the all new F1 W09
EQ Power+.
60 KENTUCKY BOOZE TRAIL
FHM makes a pilgrimage
to some of the Deep
South’s most
underground drinking
holes. Cue wobbly legs,
‘ice chefs’
and drunken gambling.
80 THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP
Unlock the secrets of
snooze town – you’ll
never fall asleep at work
again.
APRIL 2018
3
LETTERS
04/18
From around the globe
Girls on TV
Recently my TV
broke down and, as
FHM is my go-to
place for
entertainment,
I thought I would
make it the focal
point in my living
room. Now, myself
and my guests can
browse all of the
interesting topics
and pics your mag
has to offer. Still,
a working TV would
be nice.
Steve Sloan
We would, Steve, but
we can’t help but feel
that this is a vast
improvement on the
majority of what’s on
TV at the moment,
anyway. Nice metal
poodle, though.
searched river banks and swift
waters, aided swimmers and
kayakers and rescued lots of
animals from all manner of
inaccessible places. Every single
one of them deserves an MBE.
Scott Yessen, via email
They certainly do, Scott. Remember:
if you’ve managed to do something
brave, incredible or just downright
impressive, tell us about it on Twitter
with the hashtag #GETONIT.
Give the men a medal
The Real Mountain Men was a great
read. These rescue teams consist of
amazing individuals – all unpaid
volunteers who are available at all
times of the day and night in ANY
weather, 365 days a year, to help
those in distress and lost on the
mountains. They recover climbers,
reunite lost walkers, ensure that
injured and sick casualties have
been treated and transported into
hospital care, found missing
children and vulnerable adults,
4
APRIL 2018
Don’t talk to me about heroes
I’m a Liverpool fan, and used to
watch the players train. FHM Hero
Steve McManaman was just leaving,
and there were rumours he was
moving abroad. I asked him, “Are
you gonna stay or go?”, and he said
he had no idea. Days later, I found
out he had signed for Real Madrid.
Your feature bought back some
painful memories.
Sean Nash via email
‘Yes’ man
I had a good laugh reading Would
you Rather?. Here’s some more:
Would you rather have no one turn
up to your wedding or funeral?
Would you rather have a rewind
button in your life or a pause button?
Would you rather be stuck in a lift
with two wet dogs or two fat men
with bad breath?
My answers would be ‘yes’ each time!
Stefan, via email
Yes to each one? We’re not sure you’ve
got the hang of this game, Stefan.
present, keep nose and ear hair in
check, have a platonic female friend,
lose an argument, unhook a bra,
make smalltalk… the list goes on!
Geoff Hughes
To be honest, Geoff, you should have
pinned down a few of those long ago.
Labour of Keeley love
Don’t get me wrong: I am thankful to
Ed Miliband for popping this useful
little calendar through my letter box
– he’s probably a very busy bloke and
I appreciate the effort. But he’s going
to have to try a lot harder in order to
knock FHM off of my hallowed
wall-space. Perhaps a little more
Keeley Hazell would do it.
Mark, via Instagram
We can’t blame you for choosing Keeley
over Ed. Not only does she (probably)
look better in hot pants, she’d be likely
to beat him at a chip-eating contest.
The training continues...
The How To special was right. We
know how to deal with pain, we can
maybe choose a new best friend,
reboot our desk, be the boss in the
kitchen and be romantic, but
there’s a hell of a lot that we can’t
do.
For example: say sorry and mean
it, do laundry, dance, buy a great
Letter
of the
month
A veteran speaks
I have been reading
your magazines for
over 10 years and
have loved every
single one. When I was in the
military and deployed in 20052006, there were countless times
your magazine got me and my
comrades through a 12-hour shift
on duty. Now, 10 years later, I still
read it every month, and collect
them all to read again.
Anyway, keep up the fantastic
work. Speaking as a veteran, I
know first-hand the product you
put out makes troops happy every
month.
Rob, via email
It’s good to know our endless fart
jokes are making a difference, Rob.
Thanks to all the readers in the
armed forces who regularly get in
touch. You guys are genuinely
important to us.
FHMManFood of the month
Our star-spangled grill chef DJ
BBQ is hurling a big US high-five
and a crate of BrewDog Punk IPA
to @walshimus as a reward for
his great-looking chimichurri
roast-chicken tacos. Here’s what
impressed him: “You’ve got a bunch
of jalapeños with the warmth of a
thousand woolly jumpers, and there’s
the raddest, freshest chimichurri
sauce this side of Mexico City.
Bro-dawg, you’ve truly blown my
mind. I bow down to your tacomaking wizardry.”
SHOW US YOUR MAN FOOD!
Every month, we select the
greatest culinary triumphs that
have been submitted on Twitter
and Instagram and give the chefs
some lovely booze for all their
hard work. Are you the king of
crisp sandwiches? Did you make
incredible pulled pork last
weekend? Then show us with the
hashtag #FHMManFood for a
chance to win.
Send us your letters...
Do you have something insightful to say about the magazine?
Well tell us about it already!
SEND YOUR LETTERS TO:
dirk@untapped.co.za
@fhmAustralia
APRIL 2018
5
Get inspired
PAUL HEWITT, 38, BRIGHTON, OWNER OF
THE AONO BARBER/STREETWEAR BRAND
As soon as I was allowed in bars and clubs, I started working in them.
It probably wasn’t where my mum and dad saw me, and my lifestyle got to a point where
my dad sat me down and said, “Listen, no more messing about now”. I got introduced
to a hairdresser named Mark Wooley shortly after that, and the moment hit. I looked at
him, realised he was really cool, owned a Porsche, had four salons, was super-creative, and had
everything going for him. I thought that was the way I wanted to go.
Vinnie Morey owns The Proper Barbershop in LA. He gave me the chance to work under
him, and it changed everything. He’s a mentor and a good friend. My go-to guy.
What sums up my teenage years? Joyriding around the suburbs, in my tiny town. I thought I
got away with it, until I was about 30. Turns out, my parents knew the whole time.
Having to tell you wife you’ve pretty much lost everything is not cool. I’d invested all
that I had into this one summer event in Brighton. The day we set up, we got hit with one of the
worst storms on record. That almost destroyed AONO. It was a fail even before we opened.
Amazingly, soon after our first big international clothing order came through. It was big enough to
cover everything we lost. That made it better.
The streetwear side of the business started in 2011. Put simply, I couldn’t find anything
that I really wanted to wear, so made my own.
When I was younger, I’d get a new pair of Jordans every month. Back then, you had to
be ‘in the know’ to find all the right stuff: books, trainers and kit. I’d have to make my parents drive
up to the proper dodgy parts of London to get them. A little kid from the suburbs of Southampton
shouldn’t have been there, that’s all I know.
In my late teens, I had a job stripping wire out of cables. I lasted a week.
The real show-stopping tattoos came at 26. Y’know, the full sleeves, chest and hands. That
was always going to push me further and further away from getting a 9–5 office job.
I own loads of skateboards. And foam hands. And a giant whoopee cushion outfit. And other
stuff that my wife really hates.
I employ people who have a will to learn. They must have the right attitude and a good
work ethic. Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill taught me how to get rid
of the negative and see everything positively. It’s a big thing for me. You need to stay positive or
everything will fall apart.
A long time ago, I started losing my hair. Hence the head tattoo. I also have a fine array of
hats. One of my hats once caused a four-year-old kid to ask me if I was a sheriff. Of course, I told
him yes.
Getting the top of my head tattooed was the most horrific pain I’ve felt. It’s kind of like
getting tattooed through your but hole, out of your eyes and on to the top of your head. It broke
me. It took 11 hours to finish it.
Fatherhood changes your entire outlook. The selfishness disappears like a lightbulb being
switched off. You realise you’re there to make your kids survive. Being a dad is a full-on, awesome
job. But nothing will ever prepare you for having your first child. No books, no nothing.
At about 6am, I get up with the kids. Then I walk to work, start at 9:30am, go through to
8pm, walk home and then get into bed by midnight.
Stay the course, be happy, look after your family. I learned that from my father. He’s
always bloody right.
I’ve heard some incredible stuff from people while cutting their hair.
We’ve had drug dealers sat next to top criminal lawyers. We’ve had scruff bags who turn out
to be multi-millionaires. We’ve had musicians I’ve never heard of, musicians I have heard of, pro
skaters, special forces, models, directors… You don’t know who’s coming through the door. I’m
waiting for the day I cut Jay Z’s hair, though.
Long hair is coming back. Trust me, I know that for a fact.
8
APRIL 2018
PHOTOGRAPHY: FRED MACGREGOR
Herman Munster approves of
Paul’s rad haircuts.
APRIL 2018
9
The big question
AM I MAN ENOUGH FOR FIFTY
SHADES-STYLE SEX?
Get clued up in
the art of bondage
before you other
half reveals her
new toolbox of
sadistic sex toys…
Any guesses what last
year’s most-watched film
trailer was? And the year
before that?
Perhaps the next instalment of
record-breaking sci-fi classic Star
Wars? Or the reboot of box- office
dinosaur smash Jurassic Park? Not
even close. It was, of course, the movie
that’s turning girls around the world
into sweaty, quivering wrecks: Fifty
Shades of Grey and its merry band of
follow up movies. The first movie
racked up a staggering36 million hits
(roughly the population of Poland) in
just five days as bondage-hungry
viewers logged on to catch a first look.
The books by EL James, which have
sold more than 100 million copies,
brought about the ‘Fifty Shades
Effect’. Passages such as this one
about ‘jiggle balls’ helped sales of the
ancient Asian sex toy to rocket by
400%: “I felt the balls move and bump
against each other inside me. By the
time I was standing up my breath was
coming in quiet gasps, and my nipples
were hard as pebbles beneath my
dress”. So, before its initial release on
13 February 2014, we enlisted Dirty
Sanchez pain junkie Matt Pritchard
(who often pulls fish hooks out of his
own ear) and model Maeve Madden to
get to grips with a bondage beginner
kit, so you know exactly what to
expect when the lights go down and
the spank paddle comes out...
10
APRIL 2018
Hot-as-hell
whipsmacker:
Maeve Madden
Pain-junkie tester:
Matt Pritchard
DRIPPING
CANDLE
Drip this low-heatmelting wax on to your
partner for a warming
sensation similar to the
blood rushing around
your body before sex.
Pritchard: “It smells
like Play-Doh, and now
it looks like King Kong’s
jizzed on me. It’s so
greasy that I can’t pick
up anything without
dropping it.”
Maeve: “It’s fun, in a
‘Hey, this is different’
kind of way. The
dripping is sexy, but
massaging the wax
is just messy.”
SPANK
PADDLE
BONDAGE TAPE
BONDAGE
FOR
BEGINNERS
The starter kit you’ll need to get
kinky, as recommended by top
sex-toy site playkinky.com
EASY DOES IT
Fetish Fantasy
bondage tape
Black Rose
Kinky Kuffs
Spanking the area between the ass and the thigh can
arouse the genitals for both men and women.
Pritchard: “It’s like a welling pain that sort of throbs, and
my arse is definitely red raw. It makes a hell of a noise, too.
I think she’s getting into this.”
Maeve: “This is my favourite! I love this paddle
– I really feel like I’m in control, and I like it.”
A survey conducted in Quebec, Canada revealed that 46%
of men consider being tied up a major sexual fantasy.
Pritchard: “Man, I do feel totally helpless. I dunno why
people get into this sort of stuff, but if it’s to feel absolutely
powerless, then it’s working.”
Maeve: “Yep, this is fun. I can do whatever I like! Someone
pass me my spank paddle…”
VIXEN VINES
Fetish Fantasy
spreader bar
NIPPLEPS
CLAM
Black Rose Forbidden Flower
mouth bit
PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. MODEL: MAEVE MADDEN AT BODY LONDON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: BOBBI AT LHA
Aqua Rose
massage candle
Fetish fantasy feather nipple
clamps
Black Rose Sultry
Spanker
The endorphins released during sex are also released when
you experience short, sharp pain such as a whipping.
Pritchard: “Argh, that’s the one. The pain spreads out like
machine-gun bullets in the arse. She keeps getting me in
the knackers too, which kills.”
Maeve: “I wish it made an Indiana Jones whip-crack. It’s
good, but not as easy to control as the paddle.”
When stimulated correctly, male nipples can transmit
sensations to the brain much like the ones from your groin.
Pritchard: “After a minute or so the pain builds, but I’ve
done worse. For a proper rush, use a big bulldog clip. Don’t
rip the things off, though, or your nip will go with it.”
Maeve: “There’s no pleasure in these for me. I’m not
getting anything, so I’m not feeling it.”
Black Rose
Vixen Vines
HARDCORE
Watch Pritchard test bulldog clips on YouTube.com/FHM
APRIL 2018
11
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APRIL 2018
Linda
Steadman
Whether she is whipping up something delicious in
the kitchen or going off on an adventure, this beauty
makes sure that she is living her life to the fullest.
APRIL 2018
13
14
APRIL 2018
APRIL 2018
15
Tell us a bit about yourself, Linda.
I’m tall but incredibly fearful of flights. I once cried on a
private that was a supposed to be a special surprise.
What is your biggest fear then? Is that your biggest?
My biggest fear is that I don’t reach my full potential.
How do you cope with that?
I love to dress up depending on my moods, I’m definitely a
character - I feel like I’m not missing out on anything and it
keeps me timeless.
If you weren’t modelling what would you be doing?
Messing with people’s heads is my passion (psychology), but
I also want to begin dabbling in real estate.
What other professions are you interested in?
I’m a chef and hoping to come out with my own cooking
show soon.
You must watch a lot of cooking shows then?
I don’t watch television, I believe a lot of it is a lot of bull, but
I wouldn’t refuse a role in something if offered. Hypocritical?
Yes, and if my show gets a station I won’t complain.
What was the craziest thing that has happened to you
while travelling?
I was once proposed to after one dinner with a gentleman
while in Senegal.
What’s the craziest fun thing you have ever done?
Maybe not crazy, but kind of dumb. My best friend and I
left a homecoming game back in high school and found a
waterfall of bubbles that someone obviously put in there
earlier. We jumped in with our cheerleading uniforms and
had a bubble fight. I lost my car keys while looking for it
and the fire department came - they didn’t think it was very
funny nor did our parents, but we still laugh about it to this
day.
What was your biggest insecurity growing up?
I used to hate being tall but now I love having long, silky,
chocolate legs.
What else comes to mind when thinking about getting
older?
Figuring out what would be the perfect life - where I want to
settle down or how. Sometimes I want to live in a penthouse
overlooking New York, or a bungalow in Venice. Sometimes
a countryside farm away from everyone, or a cosy cottage in
France. All require a lot of money, so I guess I have a little
more time.
Is money something important in a partner?
Money is definitely important in a man. I want a man that is
able to support us. I will work, but there is nothing wrong
with something a little old fashioned. I want my man to be
the bread winner. Intelligence is also important. I want to be
challenged mentally on a daily basis. You should constantly
be challenged; that’s how you exercise your mind
Do you exercise anything else?
I like to exercise everything, but you’ll never catch me in a
gym. I love an adventure - the more physical the better.
For more on Linda, follow her on Instagram @highendzlin
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APRIL 2018
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APRIL 2018
“Believe me, it’s the most brilliant
movie. These sharks come out of the
ocean and invade Earth – loads of
great whites working their way
through the streets, attacking people. It’s bad,
but in a really fantastic way.”
Heston Blumenthal is answering the first and
most-obvious question you ask anyone who’s
just flown halfway round the planet. We’re not
sure what we were expecting when we asked
how he passed the time on his flight to Australia:
maybe he’d been busy preparing one of the 600
recipes he says he has on the go at any one
time, or catching up on some of the sleep he’s
been deprived of for the past 20 years while
running the five award-winning restaurants that
earned him six Michelin stars. Apparently, when
BAFTA-nominated, Queen-feeding, bookwriting, rule-breaking chefs are at 11000m, they
settle down to watch B-movie disaster fare such
as Sharknado.
Obviously, we should’ve known to expect the
unexpected from Heston. The man who serves
snail porridge, bacon-and-egg ice cream and
dildo jelly to high-paying diners is sat across
from FHM in postcard-perfect Voyager Estate
vineyard, a few hours from Perth, Western
Australia. It’s hot. It’s taken 20 hours to get
here. Among elegant ladies in summer dresses
and sharp-looking gents in suits and cologne,
Heston’s day-old stubble and those glasses
(now as iconic as Jamie’s Essex swag or
Gordon’s colourful bollockings) have him
standing out from the crowd. And that we’re
now talking about tornadoes filled with killer
sharks as enthusiastically as boys in a
playground just makes it all the more, well,
bizarre.
This teenage excitement over shark films
isn’t the only boyish quality that becomes
apparent as we talk. He has a shyness that
creeps through every now and again, the
impeccable manners that a well-trained
grandson has around his nan, and, of course, a
non-stop obsession with playing with his food.
Heston Blumenthal OBE is a 48-year-old
multi-millionaire chef, restaurateur, TV
personality and businessman with the mind of a
16 year old. A bloody bright 16 year old, for
sure, but a 16 year old with one enormous,
international, slightly peculiar empire to run.
FOR STARTERS
He’s done super-sized food,
fizzing food, glowing food and
dildo food. But what’s up the
sleeve of everyone’s favourite
culinary nutty professor?
Words: Chris Sayer, James Steen
“We were not a foodie family at all, but
my mum was a pretty good cook,” Heston
recounts. “She’d make chicken soup, tomatoes
on toast for breakfast – which was a real
favourite of mine – and on Sunday we’d buy a
chicken in a bag from the supermarket and
stuff it into a French baguette. We lived in this
basement flat in London where, if I jumped up
and down at the edge of the kitchen, I’d set the
pressure cooker off and Mum would get really
hacked off at me.”
APRIL 2018
19
Just how big of an impact was it?
Massive. Within months, teenage Heston
had surrounded himself with a mini library
of French cookbooks, learning French along the
way so he could translate them into English,
ultimately self-teaching himself
the techniques and skills of classic French
cuisine. One book in particular would be
this wannabe cook’s trigger to tear up the rules
of the classic kitchen and dare to do things a
little differently.
“My approach to cooking is this: question
everything. This one book, Harold McGee’s On
Food And Cooking: The Science And Lore Of
The Kitchen, was more than an inspiration. It
was a realisation that the doubts and questions
that I had been asking myself were justified. It
kind of confirmed why I was questioning,” he
says.
BOILING OVER
For the ‘godfather
of molecular
gastronomy’, these are
impressively normal
and humble beginnings. Even more impressive
is that the chef who’s made an international
name for himself as the Dr Frankenstein of
cooking – bringing test tubes, Bunsen burners
and nitrogen baths into his laboratory-cumkitchen – never even passed his chemistry O
Level. Even more impressive is that a look over
Heston Blumenthal’s CV, before opening his
world-famous restaurant The Fat Duck in
Berkshire in 1995, shows little more than a stint
as a photocopier salesman and a period as a
debt collector. Admittedly, there is also the work
experience under legendary French chef
Raymond Blanc… in which he lasted just a
week before packing it in.
Yet, 30 years later, he’s in Australia
preparing to open a sixth restaurant in
Melbourne – one that’s had a quarter of a
million would-be customers ringing
NOT ALWAYS AS IT
SEEMS: MEAT FRUIT BY
HESTON BLUMENTHAL
20
APRIL 2018
for a reservation since it was announced.
Needless to say, when it opened this year, a lot
of Aussies went hungry.
We’re expecting to hear about a big
life-changing eureka moment that turned Heston
on to food. And here it is, in the shape of a
pancake – a crepe soufflé, to be more accurate.
At the age of 16, on a family trip to France, the
Blumenthals splashed out on a holiday dinner
that would change everything for Heston.
“We sat at a table under the trees, looking on
to olive groves in the valley. I love the noise of
gravel crunching underfoot, and I think it must’ve
come from this day – hearing the waiters, in their
dickie-bow ties and black waistcoats, walking to
the table. For dessert, I had crepe soufflé – two
pancakes filled with soufflé mix so it puffs up.
Being in that restaurant made me want to
recreate that feeling I had as a child for other
people,” he says. “If I’d grown up with caviar and
lobster, that dining experience would not have
had the impact it did on me.”
If this is all sounding like a romantic ascent to
greatness, it wasn’t. His twenties were spent
working through the day to fund his cooking
experimentation and exploration by night, and to
save enough to make the leap into
restauranteering. When the time came to finally
put his name above the door of the 450-yearold Berkshire pub that would come to be the
culinary jewel in his chef’s hat, The Fat Duck,
within just 48 hours one of his cookers
exploded, causing him to strap a bag of frozen
peas to his damaged head for the rest of the
day’s service. By no means was this the only, or
biggest, headache his restaurant would cause
him.
“Things were so bad, we had absolutely no
money,” he says, removing his glasses to give
them a polish, a gesture he does frequently,
giving him the air of a slightly sinister scientist.
“We had no way of borrowing money. I
remember sitting there thinking, ‘This is it,
we’ve got nothing left’.”
To try to make ends meet, he’d work
superhuman hours, 22 hours a day, 120 hours a
week. How long did that madman rota last? “I
did that for about eight or nine years,” he says.
So exhausted and sleep-deprived was Heston
that he recalls a time when he tried lighting a
blowtorch under a hot tap instead of using a
match, and others where he’d fillet fish in his
sleep. He doesn’t mean dreaming about filleting
fish. He means falling asleep, fish in one hand,
knife in the other, and carrying on, on autopilot.
It comes as no surprise that Heston has, in
the past, been asked if he has obsessivecompulsive disorder by psychiatrist pals
of his. Here’s a man that spent four years trying
to create perfect savoury candyfloss until finally
admitting defeat; will argue until he’s blue in the
face that the perfect lemon tart can only be
achieved at a cooking temperature of
72 degrees, and used four years of his life
testing potatoes in the search for the perfect
chip.
“I was obsessed,” he says. “For years
I was measuring the starch levels in different
potatoes in different seasons, even getting the
perfect individual chip and piercing the outer
layer with a pin to let the steam escape to
regulate the fluffiness of the potato. But the
result was fantastic. I created the Triple Cooked
Chip in 1993, and it’s now cooked in
restaurants throughout the world. It took
a long time, but it paid off. Mind you, not
everyone follows the recipe as they should.”
Starved of sleep, balanced precariously on a
treacherous financial tightrope, and having a
pinpoint obsession for perfection, Heston at
that time was not the easiest boss to work for.
He developed an anger that, he openly admits,
was threatening to spiral out of control. How
does a man, in one of the world’s most stressful
environments, with more pressure on his
shoulders than he can deal with, learn to cope
with it all, and emerge the other end without a
meltdown?
“If I took total responsibility for everything as
a boss, then it would always be me to blame. If
something went wrong and I ended up shouting
at somebody, I had either employed the wrong
having a super-smart coffee machine that
makes rich, smooth cappuccinos and grinds the
beans straight into the filter, all at the punch of
a button? Honestly, that’s one of life’s small
pleasures.”
It’s hard to believe the man in front of us
could even raise his voice to a traffic warden
about to slap a fine on his windscreen, let alone
a fellow chef in the heat of the kitchen. It’s been
more than a decade since Heston last lost his
temper while cooking. His now cool, calm
exterior (and more importantly, interior) has
forged him a niche as the total antithesis of the
stereotypically wild-eyed and raging chef.
Partnered with the drama of his lunatic recipes,
he’s proven a Channel 4 ratings hit, raking in
viewers in their millions with an appetite for
fish-eye cocktails, monster pork scratchings,
curry ice cream, 6.5-kilo sausages, pigs
surgically stitched to chickens and bull-bollock
fruit.
On our flight back we couldn’t help but run
over Heston’s response to what, in hindsight,
seemed the second-most obvious question of
our meeting (after the one that ended in a
discussion about great-white-shark tornadoes,
of course). Heston’s journey from the days of
chronic anger, no money and filleting fish in his
sleep has been epic
and arduous. But
when we ask what
the turning point was
for the success of
The Fat Duck,
perhaps the
most important
moment in his life, the
answer sounds so
nonchalant and relaxed it should’ve been
accompanied by a brush-off-the-shoulder
movement.
“When Michelin came out, the cheques
started to come in. We talked to the bank and
scraped together the wage bill. Then we were
voted the Best Restaurant In The World, and
from that day the phones went ballistic,” he says.
He pauses. “But remember, it took nine years
to get there.”
The evening we land, we call Heston’s
Dinner restaurant in London (currently
the highest-ranking UK restaurant on The
World’s Best Restaurant 2014 list), to see if
the phones are still going “ballistic”, and, now
we’re best mates with the boss, to see if we
could pop by tonight to sample the overpriced
frog’s-legs porridge on the menu, or the
16th-century ‘meat fruit’. The next availability?
“Nothing for at least three months,” the lady at
the end of the line tells us. Not even the wanky
plea of “but we’ve been hanging with Heston in
Australia!” would shift her. Looks like we’ll have
to cook dildo jelly at home for a while yet.
“I REMEMBER SITTING THERE
THINKING, ‘THIS IS IT, WE’VE
GOT NOTHING LEFT’”
person, or I was asking too much from them, or
I’d not trained them properly. The moment that
I took responsibility for everything was when
my stress levels came right down.”
COOKING ON GAS
Away from the Franken-kitchen, home
life couldn’t be more different. Heston
lives in Barnes, south-west London, with
his American food-writer partner Suzanne Pirret
and grown-up children, Jack, Jessie and Joy, all
from a previous relationship.
His eldest, Jack, is set to follow in Heston’s
footsteps, having taken a culinary arts degree. In
moments of laziness and to satisfy his cravings,
he indulges himself in tubs of prawn cocktail
from the supermarket and likes skiing in Italy,
where he can inhale one of his favourite combos,
pizza and wine.
We refuse to believe that the Blumenthal
home kitchen, on the other hand, is a ‘normal’
family room. Surely there’s at least a hint of
weirdness he’s brought back from work with
him? Apparently, no. “My most cherished
kitchen gadget is, well, I’m a caffeine nut, so
HESTON UP
YOUR HOME
COOKING
Want to cook like a Franken-chef but
don’t have access to a freaky pantry?
Here’s seven combos that definitely
shouldn’t work, but totally do…
French fries and
chocolate milkshake
American fast-food chain
Wendy’s claims that 47% of
families have “plunged their
fry into a frosty”, and with salt
and cocoa being a historically
delicious marriage, it just makes
sense, y’know?
Bananas and mayonnaise
Baseball coach for the
Washington Nationals, Matthew
LeCroy, chows down on this
Southern delicacy in sandwich
form before important ball
games. It’s his lucky charm.
Scrambled eggs
and maple syrup
Sure, it sounds like a kitchen
accident, but Canadians swear
by it. Drizzle a bit in your egg mix
before cooking to see what the
fuss is about.
Sriracha sauce
and peanut butter
Peanuts and chilli totally makes
sense when you’re tucking into
a takeaway noodle dish, so,
of course, a peanut-butter
sandwich with the greatest chilli
sauce on Earth should totally
work too? It bloody well does.
Popcorn and milk
Stick your sugary popcorn
into a bowl, cover with milk and
spoon into your face for a pretty
low-rent but tasty breakfast.
Strawberries and spaghetti
Listen, you’re already throwing
fruit into your bolognese with
tomatoes, so why not some
strawberries? Make sure the
sauce is spicy and the sweet
strawbs will complement the
heat good and proper.
Pickle juice and whiskey
A massive hit in the dive bars
of the US, a shot of briny
pickle juice after a whiskey
(also known as a Pickleback)
instantly naturalises the burn of
the booze and, surprisingly, didn’t
end in us doing a giant puke.
APRIL 2018
21
DJ BBQ presents
FHM man food
B LU E S - B E A T I N G
KILLER CORN DOGS
Kick autumn’s chilly butt with this deep-fried meat on a stick...
DJ BBQ SAYS…
“Dudes, DJ BBQ is here for you. I know you’re all freezing your butts
off. I know you’d all rather put your manhood into a vice than get out of
bed in the mornings. I know it feels like light years until that next payday,
and I know your New Year’s diet is making you feel pretty horrible. Listen:
forget about your flu tablets. The only medicine that’ll help beat autumn
in all its chilly glory is my deep-fried, butt-kicking corn dogs.”
22
APRIL 2018
“Why do these bad boys make me instantly happy? This is a true
American fairground food. When is a kid happier than when he’s rolling
around a fair with a belly full of food ready to throw up on a ride? Never.
A bag of cotton candy and these beauties had me grinning like a frickin’
goon. What’s more, there’s a mega-ton of carbs in there, all deep fried
and golden. Man, it’s total and complete happiness on a stick. Hand it to
your bro and watch his grumpy butt thaw out.”
THE RECIPE
Preparation time
20 mins
Ingredients
Yellow cornmeal
Plain flour
3 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
Sea salt
Ground pepper
4 large eggs, beaten
Full cream milk
Vegetable oil
Loads of hot dogs
(The listeriosis free
kind… Too soon?)
Yellow mustard
01
Whisk up your cornmeal,flour,
sugar, baking powder, salt and
pepper, then stir in eggs and milk
to make a batter. “You want a
thick consistency, so it hugs that
hot dog like a blanket” says
DJ BBQ.
02
Pat your wieners dry, and ram a
kebab stick into it lengthways. Roll
in flour and then dip into the batter.
Wipe any excess batter away using
your fingers to make sure you have
an even smooth coating.
SHOW US YOUR
MANFOOD!
03
“Heat the oil. It’s ready when you
can flick a bit of water in and it
fizzes”, DJ BBQ says. Cook them
for 5–7 mins, turning them every so
PHOTOGRAPHY: JAMES BYRNE. FOOD STYLING: MARTA WOWJICK
#FHMManFood
Ranch dressing
and buffalo hot
sauce
Peanut butter and
sesame oil
often. Take them out, cool them
down, get some dips and get ready
to feast.
Barbecue sauce
and maple syrup
American mustard
APRIL 2018
23
Drink like a man
DARK BEERS FOR
DARKER NIGHTS…
When the temperature
plummets low enough to put
ice on your pint, forget about
upping the heating. This
season, a bottle of sweet,
smoky porter is the anti-freeze
we’ll be reaching for to thaw
us from the inside out.
For too long, many drinkers
dismissed it as too heavy
– pitch black, oil-thick and
strong enough to burn
through our tonsils. But
now, with young craft
breweries creating
surprisingly light but heavyon-taste brews, they deserve
your attention. Like, really
deserve it. Here’s the best
of the bunch, ready to toast
your belly good and proper…
[02]
[01]
[04]
[05]
➺
Port
Dating w er in 36 word
in Lond ay back to the s
on,
17
numbers porters are pok 00s
ey little
tr
a
dition
three dif
ferent ty ally blending
new and
pes of a
le:
we
hit of ch ak. Expect a b old,
ig old
ocolate
and c
with eve
ry mouth offee
ful.
PICK OF THE
PORTERS
Beer pro Sarah Warman
runs through the very
best bottles to reach for
24
APRIL 2018
01 Beavertown
Smog Rocket
“Perfect if you’re
keen on a bit of smoke
in your brews but you
don’t want anything
too intense.”
02 Kernel Export
India Porter
“An intense option,
mega coffee with
loads of really lovely
sweet caramel and
dark fruity notes.”
03 Anspach &
Hobday Stout Porter
“At 8.5%, this is a big,
bold, badder bottle. It’s
divine, with plenty of
dark chocolate and
coffee in there.”
04 Brew By Numbers
03|02 Porter – Liberty
“A medium-bodied
porter rocking a bright
hoppiness on the nose
and just enough oomph
to not overpower.”
05 Anchor Porter
“Remember Riesen
chocolates? Same
taste. Chocolate
and coffee make
it the ultimate
American porter.”
PHOTOGRAPHY: CONNOR SHEEHAN. ALL BEERS FROM BREWDOG’S BOTTLEDOG
Get the better of cabin
fever with an array of
belly-hugging porters
[03]
97% OF PEOPLE WHO TRY
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TED
OR
SUPP
BY...
Bloke test
This month’s challenger...
RON JEREMY
Will this legendary porno trailblazer
pass the planet’s manliest test?
you’ve set on fire?
A bonfire. You know, one that
keeps you warm on the beach
and you cook on it. It was the
height of me. I couldn’t get
too close or I’d have been
inhaling fire.
Bloke
02 Who did you last put
your middle finger up to?
Myself. I did a parody of
the Miley Cyrus Wrecking
Ball video and I ended up
looking like a fatso with
an umbilical hernia. So
I gave a big, slamming
middle finger right into
the bathroom mirror.
Bloke
03 Have you ever twerked?
Yes, with a girl I was
dating. I did some good
dancing for the music
video by LMFAO, Sexy
And I Know It, too. It’s
sexy when a girl does
that, but when a guy
does it… not so much.
Not bloke
04 What’s in your pockets
right now?
A gun, a hatchet… no,
I’m kidding. I have money,
a harmonica that I have
wherever I go, a condom
in case I get lucky, a tissue
and a cellphone.
Bloke
05 What’s the last film
that scared you?
The Exorcist, but that
was a while back. Films
are scarier when you don’t
really see the monster but
you see what they’ve done.
the UK called The Farm
on Channel 5, but I was
a vegetarian while I was
there. I can’t play with
an animal, let him lick
me on the face and then
eat him after that.
Bloke
Not bloke
06 Have you fired a gun?
Yes, with Charlie Sheen.
No joke – he has a firing
range in his home. That
was back before Charlie
became a famous actor.
I did pretty good!
10 Have you ever pooed
in hole that you’ve dug?
At Scouts’ camp I did.
I had to wipe my keister
with clean leaves.
Bloke
11 Have you ever rescued
an animal?
Many. I’m a spokesman
for PETA. I have a rescue
tortoise called Cherie
who I’ve had for 14 years.
She’s about 40 years old
now and she’s got a life
expectancy of 160.
07 Have you ever cupped
then smelt your own fart?
Never. The whole idea of
farting in a room full of
people is that nobody
takes credit. If you’re with
three or more, you’re safe.
With two people? No way.
Not bloke
08 What sort of manly
nicknames have you had
in your life?
Ron Jeremy, Hedgehog,
Flaming Arrow, Manatee.
Mainly it’s Hedgehog or
Manatee. Someone told me
that I should file for tax
exemption because it’s an
endangered species.
Bloke
09 Have you ever killed
and eaten an animal?
I was on a TV show in
Bloke
Bloke
12 Have you ever shaved
part of your body other
than your face?
Yeah. I started doing it
and then all the other
guys copied me. Anyone
who’s paying attention
to this article: you will
absolutely look bigger if
you shave back the pubes.
Bloke
13 Who’s the last girl
you spoke to?
The girl who handed me
this phone. She’s very
pretty by the way, and
now she’s blushing. A
way to a man’s heart is
through his stomach and
the way to a girl’s heart is
through some nice music.
Bloke
14 Have you shotgunned
a can of beer?
No, I don’t drink beer
and I’m not big drinker,
which is funny because
I have my own brand of
rum. You’ve got to try my
cocktail, Dark and Horny,
which is ginger beer, my
rum and a bit of lemon.
Not bloke
15 Have you ever put
your penis through your
legs and pretended to
be a girl?
Yes – I do it with the
schmeckle and one ball,
which ends up making
a line right in the middle.
Bloke
11/15
Not bad, Ron. Your knack
for pubic manscaping has
put you high up on the
Bloke Test leader board.
Check out Ron’s rum,
Ron de Jeremy, at
rondejeremy.com
WORDS: BEN SCOTT
01 What’s the biggest thing
APRIL 2018
27
Tracy
Lear
Scandinavian Princess, country girl, actress and ecommerce
boss. Is there anything that Tracy cannot do?
Photography by Luis Rodriguez
Produced by Mainstreet Productions
You can see more of Tracy at the following social media handles:
https://m.facebook.com/tracydianelear
http://instagram.com/trace_dl
www.TracyLear.com
28
APRIL 2018
APRIL 2018
29
How does it feel to have been chosen as
this month’s cover girl?
Shooting for FHM is an incredible
opportunity and I was very honoured to
work with such an amazing photographer he has shot with so many beautiful women
all over the world. Shooting for FHM
was a personal goal of mine and now it’s
accomplished.
What would people be surprised to find
out about you?
Most people don’t realise this about
me, but I grew up in the small town of
Elizabethtown, Kentucky, so I am a true
Southern Belle! I was raised on a farm
with horses which I love to ride. I am of
Scandinavian descent, so I am technically a
Viking Princess - it’s a perfect fit. I am also
a very driven entrepreneur - taking my
beauty business to the top and building an
empire while helping to build others up.
What are your hobbies?
Working is a hobby of mine... to the MAX!
Building my companies and setting up
events to give back to charities through
the Golden Soirée Events. When I am
relaxing, I am riding horses, watching
movies and enjoying my family and
friends. My family means everything to
me.
What is a turn on for you, in terms of a
partner?
Make me smile, get to my mind and
challenge me in ways that I haven’t been
before – and then maybe you can capture
my heart. AND, if you bring me a drink,
I like it on the rocks and I love Decada
Tequila. I also want someone who is kind
hearted and confident.
My turn offs are bad jokes and cheap
drinks. And please brush your teeth in the
morning and make your bed.
What is your idea of a perfect date?
The perfect date would be something
completely out of the ordinary. Plan a
helicopter ride, boat ride or even a car ride
to some place beautiful. Take me to places I
have never been.
What is the biggest challenge in terms of
being a model?
As a model, the biggest challenge is not
giving up. So many people along the way
will tell you that you’re not good enough
and you can’t reach the goals you are
setting. Never doubt yourself - prove them
wrong!
Do you have any words of wisdom for
aspiring models?
The sky is the limit - not just for me but
for everyone. Set goals and accomplish
them. Women need to support one another
100% and know that we can be beautiful
and powerful! THE ONLY COMPETITION
IN LIFE IS WITH YOURSELF!
I want to thank my family and friends that
are an inspiration to me and my support
group. Every mentor along the way has
impacted my life. If people around you do
not make you a better person, get them
out of your life.
30
APRIL 2018
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31
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33
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APRIL 2018
APRIL 2018
35
PHOTOGRAPHY: LEON CSERNOHLAVEK
WORDS: BEN ARNOLD
Could
you...
They’re the jobs
we all dream of
having. But how
hard can they
actually be?
36
APRIL 2018
Could you...
Start
your own
wrestling
federation?
>The glory days of wrestling are being brought back with a bang.
We chat to Garry Vanderhorne, 40, about his unique wrestling
organisation Lucha Britannia, which provides brilliant storytelling
and belly-laugh comedy with hardcore grappling. Here’s how he
built it up from nothing...
Lucha Britannia is in its tenth year now. I thought, if what I,
and other wrestling fans, want to see isn’t out there, maybe I should
do it myself. How can I make this thing that I love better?
Wrestling is an art form. It’s high art as well as being low art,
and it should be treated as such. As performance art, there is
nothing like it. With Lucha Britannia, I combined the powerful
iconography of the Mexican masks with the idea of British comedy,
daredevil skills and high-flying acrobatics.
Great shows think outside the box and are original.
It has to have a twist, a USP. Copying other people won’t work.
That’s where a lot of promoters slip up. They copy from a blueprint.
It should be like a comic book come to life. You need to be
able to make the audience laugh one second, then leave their mouth
and eyes wide open the next, with them saying “oh my word”.
Some wrestlers are really meek and mild, then they get in
the ring and they’re total animals. Others are just the same
out of the ring, they just turn their volume up. I’ve never been in a
circus, but from what I’ve heard, what we have is a lot
like a circus family. You’re in something that’s quite dangerous,
very skilful, like a secret kind of society.
I want people to go into work and say: “I saw a monkey
swing through the rafters, drop 20ft down on to a guy’s
head, then that guy fought a psycho clown”. Then a voodoo
witch doctor came in, knocked him out of the ring, and then Freddie
Mercury came in and knocked the witch doctor out with his voice.
Remember, it’s a promotion. Have the machine in place. It’s no
good putting the 20 best wrestlers on and just 10 people watch. Get
your artwork sorted and shout about it on social networks.
When moves go wrong, it can really hurt. I once had to dive
from the top rope, but the people I had to dive on were too far away.
Only in mid-air did I realise I wasn’t going to reach them. I ended up
shattering my heel, broke my ankle and tore my Achilles off. I had to
be carried to hospital.
The most bizarre sight I’ve seen at one of our shows?
Jonathan Ross carrying a barman from the bar into the ring,then
getting involved in a match.
Occasionally we’ll get a drunk punter wanting to join in.
They’re dealt with. Pro wrestling’s not all for show.
First
steps
Step one
People who have a
dance, martial arts or
gymnastics background
can be easier to teach.
Find a good wrestling
school. There are
quite a few reputable
ones up and down
the country. And watch
as many different
styles of wrestling as
you can, from Mexican
to Japanese.
Step two
Study classic British
comedy. Monty Python,
Kenny Everett, Spike
Milligan, ’Allo ’Allo!,
It Ain’t Half Hot Mum,
even The Mighty Boosh
– character comedy.
It should give you a
sense of humour and
remind you not to take
yourself too seriously.
Step three
Ask an organisation
for an apprenticeship.
Help out, put out the
chairs, film it for them,
work for free, find out
how the show runs.
Learn the business
from the grassroots up.
luchabritannia.com
APRIL 2018
37
Could you...
Make
a movie?
>If a film nerd like Quentin Tarantino can go from video-shop clerk to A-list Hollywood director, then surely you can do it too (as long as
you’ve got oodles of film knowledge and are up for a lot of hard graft). Kieron Hawkes, 40, director of the 2012 British thriller Piggy, runs
us through what you need to do to try and get your flick made.
There’s no fixed route into making films. I didn’t come from
an artistic family or anything. Now you can just go and buy a
camera and start making films cheap. That option wasn’t there
when I began. I went through film school, and that was a good
route because it plugged me into a network of people who were
making films.
The Nikon and Canon DSLRs are really good. The pro ones
are expensive, but they do cheaper versions. Get one and play
around with it. If I’d had an iPhone when I was younger, I’d have
been constantly shooting stuff and cutting it together.
The great thing about software and cheaper equipment
now is that you can make your mistakes in private. At film
school, you had to make your mistakes in front of loads of people.
Read everything you can about screenwriting. There’s The
Screenwriter’s Workbook by Syd Field. I’ve read all his stuff, and
this is the best. It’s practical. It tells you at which point to focus on
First
steps
38
APRIL 2018
Step one
Read as much as
you can about how
to make films. There’s
a brilliant book about
storytelling called Into
The Woods by John
Yorke. It’s great for
construction. Watch
loads of films too.
Step two
Research the
production companies
that have made films
you like and approach
them. See if they’ll
read something
that’s unsolicited.
structure and which point to focus on character. It puts you in the
right places at the right times to build a screenplay.
Making films is a mix of talent, luck and nonsense.
As well as brutally hard work.
Getting rejected is really hard, but it’s par for the course.
I still get it now! I’ll go for a drama and they’ll say, “Well, you’ve
never done any drama”. Then I’ll do a drama and try to get a
comedy, and they’ll say, “But you’ve never done a comedy” and it’s
like, “Seriously, man?! Do I have to know how to do everything?”
You need finished projects to show producers, not just
ideas. It shows you’re serious. Competitions can be a good route
in. Hang around at screenwriting festivals too. Both can help you
network. There are part-time courses that can help you get your
hands-on film-making gear and get that network going. Or try to
find some work as a runner on film sets.
Step three
Start shooting stuff.
Do it all yourself. Write,
and shoot and cut
together. Software is
vital, because it sets
your work out in the
right industry format.
Final Draft is the one
film-makers use.
To start with, you will have to work
for free. There’s simply no way around
that. Just give yourself a clear cut-off point
once you’ve got some experience. Even
when it’s hard, I’d never do anything
else. It’s absolutely the best job ever,
without a doubt.
I feel a lot more driven now than when I
started out, because of how great it is and
how much fun it is.
Could you...
Write a
book?
>David Whitehouse, 36, wrote his awardwinning debut, Bed, in 2012. He didn’t have
any experience of writing a book before he
had a crack at it. Reckon there’s a novel
trying to escape from you? Here are his tips:
People who want to write almost get
caught up in the preamble. They
become obsessed with the idea that they’ll
have to spend thousands of hours in front
of a laptop, and that can give them the yips.
You have to go at it like it’s a fight.
Beat it into submission. Wade in. Before
you start writing, read a few pages from a
book that’s been published and is really
good. Reading is the exercise before the
run.
If you write five good words, that’s a
good day. And if you write 3,000 bad
words, that’s not necessarily a bad day.
I rent a desk in a very boring grey
office, and I keep boring office hours.
It’s the only way, mentally, that I can make
myself do it. If I believed I could do it sitting
in a coffee shop, then my brain would think
I’m on holiday and I’d never do anything. I
treat it like a job because I have a huge
capacity for messing around given the
chance.
I wouldn’t want to do anything else.
I love it even though it’s daunting. I expect
it’s daunting for Stephen King. And he’s
written, like, ten thousand books.
Write like you’re the only person
who’s going to read it. Not what you
think people want to read.
The first line is what you should
spend the most time on. More than any
other part of the book.
People think publishers and agents
are the enemy. But if you’ve written a
good book, they want it. It’s your job to send
it to them. Waterstones’ Book of the Year–
The Miniaturist – was taken from a ‘slush
pile’, something randomly sent to an agent.
Don’t get angry at rejection. At least it’s
not happening on telly with Simon Cowell
giving you grief. You get a polite letter
saying it’s not for them. They don’t think
you’re a joke – it just not for them. The best
book in the world is hated by most people.
First
steps
Step one
Actually write. It may
sound stupid, but
there are thousands
of people out there
who say they’re writing
novels but aren’t.
Step two
Don’t think you need
a fully-formed story
to start writing a book.
You can always find
your way through as
you go along.
Step three
Think of books you like,
Google which agents
represent the authors,
and send your work out.
I sent my first 5,000
words to the biggest
agent and they took it.
APRIL 2018
39
Could you...
Run a
brewery?
>If making your own booze isn’t living the
dream, we don’t know what is. Neil Hinchley,
44, was a radio producer before he decided
to make his hobby of home brewing his job.
Since then, he’s been instrumentalin
launching Crate, a massively successful
brewery, bar and restaurant in East London.
Fundamentally, it’s one of the
simplest processes. The Sumerians and
the Egyptians were doing it way back in
5,000 BC – maybe by mistake, but still. It’s
just malt, hops, yeast and water, and
variations on that really.
The first homebrew I did was using
an old cool box I’d modified. I stucka
load of malted barley grain in it and hot
water. That creates the sugars, then you
stick that liquid in a tub with a heating
element like a big kettle and add hops.
The kits are worth trying, maybe for
the first time. But once you’re serious,
you start doing wholegrain brewing. With
the kits you get a syrup, which meansyour
beer is half designed by someone else, but
it’ll still be fine, drinkable beer.
You’ll become totally anal about
cleanliness, because after it’s been
boiled, beer becomes prone to infections.
You’ll know when a brew has gone wrong.
Bad beer just happens. It ends up tasting
like vinegar. Or urine.
Take good records of what you’ve
done along the way. If you don’t and
then you make something great – or
bad– you won’t know how to do it again.
Slowly, you work out what works and what
doesn’t.
Beer is all about sharing. Getting your
friends and family together. I really enjoy
that part of it – making beer for parties and
people around my house.
I did my first brews in our kitchen,
which you couldn’t swing a cat in.It
was eight feet by eight feet. You just need
enough space for a 25-litre tub.
You can have good beer that you can
sell at a party within a weekwith a
pretty low skill level. You don’t need to
know about biology or chemistry. But if you
want to start being clever, that’s what takes
the hard work.
The best bit about brewing?Walking
into a pub, sitting at the bar and seeing
someone buy your beer and enjoy it. That’s
so pleasing for me.
40
APRIL 2018
First
steps
Step one
You need to have
an appreciation of
beer. But that’s the
fun part. Just drink
loads of it – different
types and styles – and
work out what you
enjoy and what you’d
like to produce.”
Step two
Hang around some
breweries. We’re a
friendly, open bunch.
People aren’t funny
about recipes, it’s
collaborative. Rock up
and talk beer with your
local brewer. They’ll
love to talk to you.
Step three
Have a look at the
kits, or decide whether
you want to bosh one
together yourself.
Could you...
Start your
own record
label?
>Jamie Russell and his business partner Alex Jones, 37, launched
dance music label Hypercolour in 2006. After years of hard slog
(and some hard raving), it’s now thriving, with releases from the
likes of Groove Armada, Laurent Garnier and Maya Jane Coles.
It was all spawned through going to parties. We never
imagined we’d be successful. I would account a huge part of
what’s happened with the label to going out and getting smashed,
really. We were all inspired on the dancefloor.
The most important part of running a label is that you
need to obsess about music. Your obsession will take you out
to gigs and raves where you might meet a band you want to sign
or a producer you want to put out tracks with. It will make you dig
deep for music and expand your tastes.
I’m an avid collector of email
addresses. Anyone who emails you who
is music-related, keep their email address
and put it in a list. I still do that now. Soon
enough you’ll have a database or
community of people to tell about your
music.
Invest as much of your free time as
possible into telling the world about
your releases. If you don’t shout about
them, how are people supposed to know
First
steps
they are there to consume? Make sure everyone you’re working
with is always reposting your stuff on Twitter and Facebook. It
comes gradually. Be prepared to put your hands into your
own pockets to make an investment. And be prepared to risk
losing money. You’ll have to learn to take beatings to your
ego. You may think that what you’re doing is amazing, but
someone else may well think it’s a pile of bull. If you’re sensitive, it
might not be a good idea to set up a record label.
Getting DJ Mag’s Best Label award was a real moment. It
was tangible. My mom’s pretty old school, but when she saw that,
and it was nice and shiny and silver, she thought it must mean I
was doing alright with my life.
Step one
Find some mates – or
mates of mates – who
are making music. That
can be a really good
start, as long as you
believe in the music
they’re making.
Step two
Go online and find a
distribution company
that already releases
the kind of music you
like, then approach
them with the music
you want to release.
Step three
Find a good PR
company. It’s all very
well releasing a
record, but the right
people need to be
talking about it. It
wasn’t until our 15th
or so release that we
realised that.
APRIL 2018
41
Could you...
Invent
something
that’s life
changing?
>Everyone’s got an idea for an amazing, revolutionary invention that will land them a vast
sum of money. Kristian Tapaninaho used the crowdsourcing app Kickstarter to fund his own
awesome, portable pizza oven, the Uuni. It’s been a massive, bloody success.
It was around 2010 when I started
getting obsessed with making pizza.
The oven in our house wasn’t cutting it, and I
wanted to get a big outdoor pizza oven. But
we were renting at the time, and I didn’t
want to spend thousands on an oven we
couldn’t take with us. I couldn’t believe there
wasn’t a small wood-fired oven. I thought
that if I can make one, there will be other
people looking for one too.
I’ve had a lot of fantastic ideas over
the years. But 99.9% of those have never
gone beyond five minutes of thinking about
them.
I made this prototype – a weird
monster of a pizza oven. I built it out of
breeze blocks, all sawn up. But it actually
worked! And it made one of the best pizzas
I’ve ever tasted. I got it firing up to 450ºC, an
incredible amount of heat – twice that of a
domestic oven. That’s when I thought it
could be a mass-market product.
I got in touch with a local metal
workshop. They usually make garden
gates, but they were happy to fabricate a
prototype for me after I showed them my
First
steps
42
APRIL 2018
Step one
To make sure your
idea isn’t crap, make
a short presentation.
In it, show what the
problem is you’re
solving, what the
current competition
is, how much it would
cost and who would
buy it. Then pitch it
to your closest friends
and family.
drawings.
Inventing something is just a series
of little problems. A series of little
problems that you have to solve.
I knew I wanted to use Kickstarter to
launch the product. It just seemed like a
really good way to show it to people. Like a
sanity check – does anybody else actually
want this thing? Then I realised that they did.
But, at that stage, you really have to make it
work!
I used this really easy software called
SketchUp. It allows you to draw your own
3D models. You pick it up in five minutes. It’s
great.
Logistics is a pain in the butt.
We got that wrong early on. We spent a lot
of money sending orders by air mail.
I took the first oven from the
manufacturers, all boxed up, to my
parents. We fired it up, and that was quite
magical.
Step two
Produce a minimum
viable product – that
means refine and
consider the core
of the product and
whether it will work.
Look at the original
iPhone – no 3G, no
GPS, a measly two
megapixel camera, no
video. It still disrupted
the computing market.
Step three
You need to test and
improve to evaluate
how good the product
is. Does it work? Do
you think someone
would pay money for
it? Then go back and
make it better.
Order yourself one
of Kristian’s bad boys
at uuni.net
Could you...
How to
harness the
power of
crowdsourcing
Charlie Lyne, 37, got his
brilliant documentary
Beyond Clueless – which
is about the recent history
of teen movies – funded on
Kickstarter. Here’s how he
did it...
I couldn’t recommend
crowd-funding highly
enough. It’s more or less
the only way you can get
into making a project
yourself straight away. The
best thing about it is that it
can tell you whether you’re
making something that
people actually want. It
really reassured us.
We were totally upfront
with people. We weren’t
afraid to show our passion.
They knew that all the
money would go directly
towards that.
The video is important.
But it’s probably a lot more
important that people get
an idea of ‘you’ and why
you want to make this
project. Some of the most
effective Kickstarter
projects haven’t had the
flashiest video. They’re just
full of passion.
When people start
giving you money, it
just feels so
unbelievable. You can’t
believe that people really
have that confidence in
what you’re trying to do.
Then you realise you have
a massive commitment to
them.
APRIL 2018
43
GUIDE TO BAKING
It’s happened: baking,
long considered the
preserve of depressed
housewives, has finally
been recognised as
manly. Come with
us as we get to grips
with the world of
fiery ovens, crunching
crusts and floury
buttocks…
WITH EXPERT
TIPS FROM
THE GREAT
BRITISH BAKE
OFF’S
RICHARD BURR
46
APRIL 2018
Photography: Dan Matthews
Food Styling: Jack Sargeson
THE JOY OF DOUGH
Max Tobias, 33-year-old co-founder of The Dusty Knuckle Bakery in London, on why every man needs a bit of flour power in his life.
happened: baking, long considered the preserve of
depressed housewives, has finally been recognised as
manly. Come with us as we get to grips with the world
offiery ovens, crunching crusts and floury buttocks...
If you think baking is just a hobby for bored housewives,
come and spend a day in my kitchen... you’ll end up eating
your words as well as my bread. Because baking is manly. It
requires strength and sweat. It’s a race against the clock. You have to
dominate the dough, or it will dominate you. Bottom line: it’s not for the faint of
heart. But put in the hard work and the finished loaf will repay you 10 times
over. More than that, there is something magical about baking bread, like
alchemy. Watching the transformation from a lifeless, white powder into a
delicious, nutritious, chewy and light substance that we rely on – and have
done since the dawn of civilisation. I love the fact that it is such an ancient
craft, yet still so relevant today. It has been the keystone of humankind’s
evolution over the past 10,000 years, from the Egyptians to the Greeks to the
Romans to us.
There’s another reason I love baking: it’s the perfect combination of
IT’S
BAKING BREAD:
THE BASIC PROCESS
MIXING Combining all your bits in a
bowl. The flour, yeast, salt and butter are
going to do some really awesome things
together.
selfishness and generosity. I love eating the bread that I bake, how it feels and
how it smells. But more than that, I love giving bread to people. Because
eating bread, more than any other food, is a social activity, ingrained in our
culture. It’s no mistake that we have so many related expressions in our
language – “it’s his bread and butter”, “breaking bread” and “stealing bread
from his mouth”.
One of the toughest, but most rewarding, elements of being a baker is getting
up before dawn six days a week. There is nothing more magical than
kneading a lump of dough at sunrise, golden light streaming into your kitchen.
It’s just you, the bread and the binmen clattering outside. You feel like you’re
ahead of the game, watching the world wake up and begin its day when
you’re already halfway through yours.
And that cold beer never tasted better than at 1pm when your work is finally
done. Better still, at that time of day, you can always get a seat in the pub.
The Dusty Knuckle Bakery is an award-winning social enterprise in North
London that aims to work with youth offenders as well as the long-term
unemployed.
A GOOD MIXER WILL BE
YOUR BUDDY
A Sage mixer, which is part of Heston
Blumenthal’s range, is a great, comparatively
cheap alternative to the stylish but teethgrittingly expensive KitchenAid appliances. It
makes the mixing part of your baking odyssey
a doddle.
KNEADING Pressing and pulling the
dough. There is an art to this. An art you
should learn.
PROOFING Letting the dough rise like
a glorious, sludgy phoenix.
Where the
magic happens
BAKING Sticking it in a nice hot oven
(usually about 100 degrees) for half an
hour to 40 minutes.
SEPARATION ANXIETY
“Make sure you keep salt and yeast apart”,
says our expert. “When mixing your
ingredients together during bread-making,
always add the salt and yeast to opposite
sides of the bowl as the salt can kill the
yeast. Like when you were a kid and
poured salt on a poor slug. It dries it right
out.”
APRIL 2018
47
MIXMASTER, BAKE FASTER
The first part of the process – mixing the basic
ingredients together – is easier to screw up than
most people realise.
“I’ve always been a fan of using cold water in my
mix. If you use cold water and then keep it at
room temperature, your bread will have a richer,
deeper flavour”, says Richard.
“Add a bit of brown sugar to your bread mix. If
you’re making bread or sourdough, a little bit of
sugar brings that flavour right out. It gives the
yeast something to eat and grow on as well.”
AFTER-OVEN LOVIN’
You thought that the moment you’d taken your
creation out of the oven, it was all over? Not so
fast. Richard says: “As soon as you take anything
bread-based out of the oven, put it on a wire
rack. If you put it on a flat surface, the rest of the
steam evaporates out of the bread, leaving it
soggy at the base.
“And listen to the crackle as it cools. That’s the
sound of the bread contracting. It’s a beautiful
sound that lets you know you’ve done a good
job. It’s meant to crackle.
“Also, don’t cut it straight away. Even though it
looks like bread, it’s not quite. Have self-control
and let it rest for half an hour, then tuck in. If you
cut it when it’s too hot, it’ll still be soft and gooey
in the middle.”
NEED-TO-KNOW KNEADING
Pushing and pulling your dough about is perhaps the manliest part of baking. You’re basically fighting
your food. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you can just wing it, though. There is an art to pummelling your
paste. “Don’t be afraid to knead and knead and knead. Under-kneaded bread is always horrible, but
you’re never going to have a problem with over-kneaded bread.”
“Everyone has their own style of kneading. I’m a great believer in punching the heel of my palm into it
and stretching it across the table. I stretch it away with my palm, then fold it in and twist it”, says the
Bake Off finalist. “To check if your dough is kneaded enough, pull out a piece of dough between your
hands. It should be able to stretch to 20cm without breaking.
“The most important thing to remember is to make sure that you stretch your bread and then fold it over.
And stretch it again. As long as you’re doing that, whichever direction you’re doing it in, you’re good for
kneading.
“Once you feel like you’ve finished kneading, just do it for an extra five minutes to be sure. It doesn’t hurt
– in fact, it can only help make the bread better – and it keeps you fit to boot.”
THE HOUR IS
FLOUR
OVEN-HOT STYLE
Stomping around your kitchen, throwing up
white clouds of flour and pummelling dough is
hard work. But you can still look like a dude while
you’re at it. This apron tells any visitor to your
baking lair that you are the man and you are
definitely in control. Even when you’re holding a
tray of dainty scones.
48
MARCH
APRIL
2018
2015
A stockpile of (mostly) white
powdery stuff is a must if you want to
become a master breadsman (not a
real job description). So, let’s get to
know your artillery.
Stoneground
The fact this stuff
hasn’t been ground in
an industrial process
means it hasn’t been
exposed to as much
heat. Which is a good
thing, because it means
more of the nutrients
will stay intact.
Spelt
An ancient grain indeed.
Spelt wheat has been
harvested for thousands
of years and is now
enjoying a comeback
thanks to its healthy
properties. The fact it's
got gluten in it means
it’s great for baking.
Malted
A type of wholegrain
flour which is good
for making all kinds of
fancy bread. It comes in
lots of different varieties
– get the roasted type,
which is really dark, for
fruity rolls and bagels. If
that’s your type of thing.
Buckwheat
This is flour milled from
a plant that's similar to
rhubarb and grows in
cold climates. It’s got
pointy seeds that look
like cereal grains and
has a sour, nutty taste.
Low-cal and gluten-free,
health freaks love it.
THE
PERFECT
WHITE
LOAF
(IS PRETTY EASY)
This is where it all begins. The crusty cornerstone of your baking empire.
Creating your own humble loaf is an addictive process. You’ll be holdingit,
warm and fragrant, in your hands, and all you’ll be able to see is its
minuscule flaws, making you desperate to have another go. Because your
next loaf? That’ll be the one.
Richard says: “You should never try to rush a loaf; you’ve got to be nice to
the dough. Take your time. Don’t feel obliged to mix anything up with your
fingers either. I see it on TV all the time, people sticking their fingers in it,
getting their fingers all covered in flour and water. But as a builder, I’ve
always been encouraged to not get my fingers dirty. So, I don’t. I use a
wooden spoon and, weirdly enough, my bread turns out absolutely great.”
BATHE YOUR BREAD
“Put a tray with some water
at the bottom of the oven
before putting the bread in.
This creates a steam bath
in the oven which helps the
bread develop a lighter crust
and prevents it from tearing.”
GO TO BROWN TOWN
“Don’t be afraid of browning your loaf. One
thing people are always terrified of is a little
bit of colour. They freak out and whip it out
the oven. Don’t. You want a lovely, crispy crust.”
APRIL 2018
49
LARD UP
“For pork pie pastry, I use hot water crust pastry. If
you do this, make sure you use a mix of butter and
lard, not just butter by itself. Lard gives you a brilliant
texture and structure, and I’ve heard it’s actually
quite good for you. Making the pastry is a doddle –
just mix the flour and water in a large bowl and heat
the lard with the butter in another. Then stir it all
together.”
PORK PIES
WILL MAKE
YOU HAPPY
50
APRIL 2018
“A pork pie is basically the
perfect vehicle for getting as much
sausage meat into a bit of pastry as
you can”, says Richard. “Cut the
meat and herb it – don’t be afraid
of over-herbing a pork pie. The
herbier the better. When you make
a pork pie, make a massive one–
it’s easier and you can turn it into a
gala pie by sticking eggs in it.
“Whatever you do, don’t try to do it
in one sitting – if you wanta pork
pie with jelly in it, you need to fill it
and let it set overnight.
“Always leave a hole in thepastry at
the top of the pie. Thiswill do two
things. First, it lets the steam out of
the pie when it cooks. Without it,
the pie will explode, and you’ll end
up with a perfectly edible, but
un-pie-like, meaty mush. Second, it
will allow you to pour your jelly
inside to fill the gaps.”
“Making the jelly for the pieis
surprisingly easy. I always use leaf
gelatine, which you can buy in any
supermarket. Flavour it with ham or
chicken stock and pour it into the
hole in the top of the pie, then wait
for it all to set.”
THIS BOOK WILL
BE YOUR BIBLE
Flour Water Salt Yeast by Ken
Forkish (bonus points for a name
that sounds like the punchline of
a cooking- related joke) has
everything you need to hit the
ground (or kitchen floor) running.
It’s basically an awesome
chemistry text book for bakers,
clueing you up on all the weird
science-y things you’ll need to
know if you want to really “get”
bread.
…AND A FEW MORE
FOR GOOD MEASURE
River Cottage
Handbook
No.3: Bread
by Daniel Stevens
Sixty brilliant recipes.
Everything from
potato bread and ciabattas to
naan and pizzas.
How To Bake
by Paul
Hollywood
The big silverback
of the baking world
takes you under his
muscular wing and shares some
of his finely-honed skills.
Short & Sweet
by Dan Lepard
You might not have
heard of Dan Lepard,
but every baker in
the country definitely
has. When it comes
to anything sticky and sugary,
this guy knows his stuff.
NOT ALL CAKES NEED ICING…
INTRODUCING MONKEY BREAD
“Being a builder”, says Richard. I’m pretty much pathologically addicted to doughnuts. Monkey
bread is basically a giant pile of doughnuts stuck together, which you cook in a cake tin.
“You make lots and lots of small doughnuts and roll them in cinnamon and sugar, so they get
covered and then you bake them. When you eat it, you pull them off in chunks. The cooked sugar
that holds the whole thing together can be pulled apart really easily – it’s so satisfying. You could
pour almost an entire bottle of maple syrup on there too, then serve it with some ice cream.”
“My main tip would be to make the doughnuts small. If you make them too big, they won’t cook from
the inside-out, like they’re supposed to.”
MAKING THE DOUGHNUTS…
Sieve 500g flour and
1 tsp. baking soda into a
bowl and mix in 70g butter
and 70g sugar.
Beat together an egg and
260ml milk. Combine both
mixtures to form a dough.
Roll out your dough on a
well-floured surface to
about 1cm thickness, then
cut into ring shapes. Fry
the shapes in hot oil for 30
seconds, then turn them
over and cook them for a
further 30 seconds until
they are golden brown
Drain the doughnuts on
some kitchen paper until
they’re cool, then roll them
in sugar.
APRIL 2018
51
THE KIT
PROVE YOUR WORTH
Let your dough prove in a banneton basket – it
will help keep the shape of the dough, as well as
improve the crust of your loaves. And who doesn’t
want to improve their crust? We like Andrew
James’ basket, because it looks nice.
Nigella Lawson
measuring jug
Nigella Lawson mixing
bowls
Nigella Lawson
measuring spoons
Bitossi egg
timer
Le Creuset cake tins
John Lewis mesh flour
shaker
John Lewis
rolling pin
Le Creuset
muffin tray
WHAT THE HELL
IS SOURDOUGH?
“You might have heard about it.
On the other hand, you might have
absolutely no idea what it is.
Sourdough bread basically comes
from a sourdough starter – a
special yeast starter that makes
really rich-flavoured bread. It’s
bloody lovely. But sourdough scares
most amateur bakers because you
have to maintain and nurture it. It’s
almost like having a pet.”
52
APRIL 2018
“I reckon it helps to give your yeast
starter a name. I’ve killed so many
over the years,I suspect that if I’d
named them, I would have probably
nurtured them more. Jordan from
The Great British Bake Off named
his one Yorick, and he talked to it
– he’s really affectionate with his
sourdough.”
“Keep it warm and keep an eye on
it. If you’ve got an airing cupboard
or a warm spot in your house, keep
it in there. And just keep an eye on
it. They just have to be looked out
for, fed every now and again and
not forgotten about. If you’ve got a
yeast starter, then you’ve basically
signed yourself up for making
sourdough regularly, for a while. It’s
a commitment. Sourdough’s for life,
not just for Christmas.”
EGGS ARE NOT COOL AIR IS YOUR ENEMY
“Keep your eggs out of the fridge.
I would never use cold eggs for
anything; eggs should never be
kept in the fridge as far as I’m
concerned. It’s the density of the
yolk versus the white. I’ve never
stored eggs in a fridge. My old man
keeps chickens and we’ve always
got eggs flying around. Tell anyone
who puts eggs in the fridge not to.”
GET FILTHY RICH
Want something rich and
full-on, like a Chelsea bun?
Then add warm milk to your
mixture to make an enriched
dough. The fat in the milk slows
down the action of the yeast, so
warming it balances this out.”
“When your dough has risen up,
you’ll need to get the air bubbles
out or you’ll end up with a giant
hole in your bread. This is called
knocking back.
“There’s nothing worse than when
you can’t spread butter on your
bread because you’ve got a great
big hole in the middle of your slice.
To stop that from happening, you’ll
need to fold it over itself over and
over again until it becomes similar
to your unproofed dough.”
“Take the dough out of the bowl
and put it on a lightly floured
surface and fold it repeatedly in on
itself using the heels of your hands,
until it is smooth, and all the air has
been knocked out of it. That should
do the trick.”
SPACE IS
THE PLACE
“Always tidy up as you go. It
takes moments to cover
every single inch of your
counter top and there’s
nothing worse than taking
something hot out of the
kitchen and having to do a
dance around the hob,
balancing stuff on top of
each other, trying to find a
place to put it.”
BASEBALL GAME-STYLE
PRETZELS ARE WITHIN YOUR GRASP
Everyone in the world can agree on pretzels. No one in the history of time has
ever said “no pretzels for me, thanks”. They have the power to bring buddies
together, reignite romances and perhaps even end wars.
“There are two secrets to making a killer pretzel”, says Richard. “The first one is
getting loads of brown sugar in your mix to balance out the salt, which you’ll use
both in the dough and to pour on in the form of lovely rock salt at the end.”
“The second tip is, once you’ve made the pretzels and twisted them, which is
pretty easy to figure out, you have to boil them quickly in an alkaline solution. You
need to put maybe three or four tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda ina pot and
quickly flash-boil your pretzels before you cook them. That’s what’s going to give
them the brilliant shiny outer edge that everyone loves.”
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GRAY
Fun filled, loving and loyal with a splash of glitz and glamour, meet Mia.
Photographer: Sultan Ghahtani Retoucher: Maria Fukushima Text by Nelly Maduna
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55
Were you excited to shoot for FHM?
Absolutely!
It was definitely a dream come true for
me.
Tell us something surprising about
you?
Oh gosh, just one? Well one thing I
would consider as surprising about me
is that I actually dress like a tomboy
in real life - hoodies and joggers. I was
never a fan of dresses.
Describe yourself in one sentence.
I’m a fun filled, loving and loyal girl,
but do not waste my time.
What are some of your hobbies?
I go to the gym a lot! About 7 times a
week. I sometimes do two sessions a
day as well. I like to travel and I love
going out to eat! I also just started
falling in love with blogging!
What is your favourite word in a
different language and what does it
mean?
Pamilya, it means family in Tagalog.
What is your biggest turn on?
Intelligence and good hygiene.
What turns you off the most?
A know it all type of person.
Describe your perfect date.
Netflix and wine for sure! I love being
cosy and I love it more when a person
can be cosy with me.
What would you consider to be your
biggest challenge as a model so far?
I guess people assuming that glamour
models, like myself, are all beauty
with no brains. As a model and an
entrepreneur, this is definitely the most
challenging. People don’t take you as
seriously just because you’re a glamour
model.
Any last words you can share with
the readers?
First off, I just want to say thank you
again for giving me the opportunity
to work with you! And for my readers,
happiness is a choice. If you don’t like
where you are at this moment, take a
risk and do something about it! Life is
way too short for what if’s.
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59
: Adventures
Survive a
great American
whiskey trail
From Kentucky to
Chicago, FHM’s Chris
Sayer tries to last a
spirit-fuelled pilgrimage
to America’s finest
drinking holes…
Visit a whiskey mecca
Drink this: Buffalo
Trace Bourbon
Drink this: Buffalo Trace
BourbonEven if you wake
upas jet-lagged as wedid
after a 11-hour flight,
muster every ounce of
energy to visit Buffalo
Trace, the world’s most
award-winning distillery,
in Frankfort, KY. Get a
tour from mustachioed
old boy Fred, who’s
armed with enough
history to turn you into a
bourbon pro. Lunch is
boozy – we fell for a
bottle of Eagle Rare.
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How
to drink
bourbon
differently
Shun the cola
and expand
your whiskey
horizons with
these mixers…
Have your mind blown
by bourbon
Drink this: Stagg Jr Bourbon
When we die, scatter our ashes
on the bar at the Bluegrass
Tavern in Lexington, KY. It’s
home to more than 230
bourbons – one of the biggest
collections in the States – a
killer jukebox and barkeeps
serving the best Old Fashioneds
on Earth. It was the perfect
distraction to the liquored-up
couple in the corner basically
having full sex all night
PHOTOGRAPHY: ALAMY, GETTY, SHUTTERSTOCK. WORDS: CHRIS SAYER
Sober up with a pizza pie
Drink this: Anti-Hero IPA
You’ve not done Chicago unless
you’ve fallen into a deep-pan
pizza coma at Gino’s East. Kick
your bastard hangover’s butt
with molten cheese, silky tomato
and meat thick enough to put
your thumb through, all served
and sliced in front of you by
jaw-droppingly hot waitresses.
Word of warning: it’s impossible
to finish one on your own.
Back a winner at the
Kentucky Derby
Drink this: quadruple whiskeys
Kentucky’s calcium-rich wateris
the reason for two of its most
famous exports: powerful
whiskey and powerful horses.
Although a welcome break from
bourbon, a racetrack was
probably the worst place to
discover that standard spirit
measures in the States are 50cl,
meaning each double that we
drank was actually a quadruple.
Every lost bet at the world-class
Keeneland Racecourse seemed
pretty unimportant after five
whiskey mixers.
Ginger ale
A signature drink
of pre-Prohibition
America, the ginger
flavour makes a
perfect partner for
your bourbon’s
sweet spices.
Green tea
Yup, sounds funky,
but since Japan’s
Yamazaki distillery
won a ‘world’s best
whisky’ award in
2014, who are we
to argue with this
Asian favourite?
Get franken-drunk at The Aviary
Drink this: flaming cocktail
Chicago’s Aviary may rob you of every dollar
on you, but a peek behind the scenes
justifies why they can charge R300 for a
drink. There’s an army of boffins working to
create the stuff of a drunken scientist’s
dreams, complete with test tubes, tiny
popping balls filled with rum and things on
fire. And they have their own ‘ice chef’...
Organise a visit to a craft
brewery
Drink this: Goose Island 312
Urban Wheat Ale
Thankfully, Lexington’s airport
is slap-bang next to Keeneland
Racecourse. So, after stumbling
through security and on to our
flight to Chicago, there’s plenty
of time to round things off with
a trip to the city’s best craft
brewery: Goose Island.
Coconut water
The Brazilians are
all over whiskey
and coconut water,
creating a hug-ina-glass roasted
coconut taste.
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FHM Motoring
XC60 SET TO
AUTOPILOT
XC60 set to start its journey where the
previous model left off – near the top.
By John Page
It’s the car people want that also
happens to be safe. Premium
desirability wrapped around
Volvo’s ethos towards safety. Ever
since being acquired by Chinese
automaker Geely, the Volvo brand
has produced a number of leading
SUVs and sedans as masters of their
own destiny, left alone to forge
models that are refreshingly styled
and exquisitely built.
The XC60 takes these traits into
a segment-size that’s traditionally
been one of Volvo’s strongest but
now with the advantage of cleaving
technology and style from the
XC90. Using Volvo’s configurable
global platform, the XC60 echoes
the commonly-agreed proportions
for a family car – roomier than
the outgoing XC60 while being
nimbler than the XC90. Like all
its contemporaries, aside from
Discovery Sport, this is a 5-seater
SUV that’s road-biased but adapts
well from the snow-covered roads in
Sweden to the gravel routes in SA.
Behind that bluff nose, several
versions of Volvo’s Drive-E
powertrain can be specified within
the 2.0-litre 4-cylinder blueprint.
Petrol or diesel, all-wheel drive,
automatic, docile or semi-sporty.
The line-up could change slightly
when XC60 arrives in South Africa
in 2018 but it won’t vary by a big
degree.
FHM preferred the diesel but with
the surfeit of autonomous features,
the drivetrains can’t help but suffer
from some indifference.
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Volvo continues to refine
autonomous technology not
only to lessen the likelihood of
accidents but because of the way it
effortlessly chauffeurs you through
the mundane. In the XC60 you can
integrate these functions in every
day commuting; adaptive cruise
control monitors the distance to
the car ahead while massaging the
car between the lane markings.
Blind spot monitoring will now
nudge the car back into its lane
if it detects a fast-approaching
car while emergency avoidance is
greatly assisted through additional
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steering input and stability systems.
Disclaimer time: It won’t rescue
every mess by itself. Volvo’s ‘driver
in the loop’ philosophy is very much
a man and machine system where
the car can only enhance the driver’s
actions.
Inside the user experience is unique
with two common threads emerging
throughout the design. The one
focuses on technology with a neatlymounted touchscreen that responds
to gestures in the same way as a
tablet would. Like the rest of the
cabin’s design, the screen’s menus
have a minimalist appearance and
is ultimately a fine tactile substitute
for traditional buttons. The other
thread concerns itself with organic
materials like driftwood, seat
softness that mimics the sensation
of floating, cold-touch surfaces
and inviting colours. Sometimes
pared-back, other times comfortably
homely.
The XC60 is the watershed moment
for Volvo, combining recent
advancements into a size-to-lifestyle
package which is rapidly replacing
sedans and MPVs.
FHM Motoring
DUSTER SWEEPS UP
THE COMPETITION
No frills or bells and whistles for the price?
By John Page
Renault’s Duster built itself a reputation as the low-cost
4x4 that could successfully master tricky situations that
other expensive options couldn’t.
Since 2013 the Duster range has grown steadily on
either side of the 4x2 and 4x4 options. The latest spicing
of the brochure sees Renault add the EDC automatic
gearbox to the 4x2 model. Power to the front wheels
comes from the 1.5-litre turbo diesel with stout torque
for its size but equally lauded for low consumption.
The exterior hints at a rudimentary no frills boxiness
but items like navigation, cruise control, rear parking
sensor soften the utilitarian theme that juggles its
ride height with road holding rather well. This is to be
commended.
Yep, it’s hardly revolutionary and the visual appeal
is polarising yet Duster is one of the few cars that
unashamedly wears its heart on its sleeve with
surprising pizzazz.
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FHM Motoring
LEANER
MEANER M4
Latest in a long line of special editions
By John Page
BMW’s fettled another lightweight,
faster version of its venerable
M4 which distils extensive track
testing for road use. Taking up
rank between the M4 Competition
Package and the limited-run M4
GTS, BMW has revived the CS
nameplate to coincide with cosmetic
updates applied to the entire 4
Series range.
Minus the roll cage, jutting front
splitter and slab of rear wing, the
M4 CS borrows plenty from the GTS.
Carbon fibre places it on a frisky
diet, rear tyres come from Michelin’s
top secret garage, the exhaust
system is lighter (louder too) while
BMW’s twin turbocharged engine
undergoes a precise power upgrade.
For all the track surgery, M4 CS is
better on the road than the standard
M4 by plying grip in a progressive
way while the engine’s soundtrack
is raucous at redline. From a
standstill, it will hit 100km/h in
3.9 seconds with a top speed over
300km/h. This is an easier M4 to
drive up to, and over, the limit.
But there are compromises, all
of them from inside the car. All
practical features have been gutted
so there are no door cards or centre
console to store personal items. The
climate control reduced from dual
climate to a cheaper single unit yet
retains the Head Up Display with
iDrive’s full array of features.
A somewhat confused M4 that
forgoes many day-to-day comforts
in the quest to yield an exhilarating
drive. As BMW’s halo model within
M Division, this is their way of
keeping up with the insatiable
demand for special editions.
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KING
OF THE WHIP 2018
Photos by Eric Palmer
A new King has been crowned. On Saturday the 24th of February, the King of the Whip Best Whip competition presented
by LW Mag and Monster Energy in association with PlayStation, Motul, Dunlop Tyres, EVS and Just1 took place at Biker’s
Warehouse in South Africa. With a display of big and stylish whips it was Freestyle Motocross rider Dallan Goldman who
claimed the title in front of thousands of screaming fans.
The country’s top Motocross and Freestyle Motocross riders gathered to compete head-to-head for the 2018 King of the Whip
title. A rider introduction train kicked off proceedings and gave the crowd a small taste of what was about to be witnessed
before heading into the qualifying rounds. The huge 20-metre long by 8-metre wide landing gave riders the opportunity to
push their limits resulting in an exciting and closely fought whip contest.
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Whip (Noun):
A maneuver performed on a motorcycle, usually during a
motocross or freestyle motocross contest, in which the rider
brings the rear of the motorcycle abruptly around to either
side. Performed while the machine is airborne off a jump. In
very extreme whips, the rear of the motorcycle will end up
perpendicular to the direction of travel, in addition to the
motorcycle being laid flat. The purpose of the whip is to show
off, to alter the trajectory of the bike in flight, and to scrub
speed over jumps.
Through the four qualifying rounds, riders had the
opportunity to showcase their whip skills for the judges and
fans. The judges, three two-wheeled motorsport legends –
Brendan Potter (FMX), Richie van der Westhuizen (MX) and
Brent Le Rieche (Trails), took on the hard task of eliminating
riders into a 13-man semi-final. Riders were judged on style,
amplitude and variation.
As the sun set and the lights came out, the semi-finalists
took to the course. The last chance to huck their best whips
possible before being eliminated into the six-rider final. An
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insane display of the biggest whips, a host of styles and
variations resulted in 15 minutes of adrenaline-fuelled
mayhem.
Alastair Sayer (FMX), Caleb Tennant (MX), Camz Odendaal
(MX), Dallan Goldman (FMX), Grant Frerichs (MX) and
Neels van Niekerk (MX) impressed the judges to secure their
slot in the final. Each rider was given five jumps to claim
the title. Each rider with their own style and variation of
whips made for an extremely close and exciting final. Dallan
Goldman upped his game in the final putting it all on the
line to clinch the crown and title of ‘King of the Whip’ 2018
and claimed the R20 000 cash prize. Event first timer Grant
Frerichs followed in 2nd with 2017 King of the Whip Alastair
Sayer finishing in 3rd.
King of the Whip organiser, Ryan van der Spuy said, “The
time and effort that went into making this event possible was
worth ever second. ‘Bigger and better’ is an understatement
as all expectations were exceeded. To the sponsors, everyone
involved and the fans – Thank you! It was a privilege to
watch the riders put on such a great show – this event is for
them”.
Dallan Goldman upped
his game in the final
putting it all on the
line to clinch the crown
and title of ‘King of the
Whip’ 2018
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LEWIS
HAMILTON
We sat down with Lewis Hamilton to discuss his return to the track and the
all new F1 W09 EQ Power+, the most advanced Mercedes F1 car ever built…
Lewis, today you’ll get to take the
new F1 W09 EQ Power+ on the track.
Last week you visited Brackley. How
did it feel to be back?
It felt great to be back. It’s always
such a great working environment
in the factory. The first time back in
the year is always exciting because
there’s great anticipation of the car
being built. It’s very humbling to see
everything coming together. People
have worked so hard on this car,
committed for such a long period of
time. I’m just keen to get out there and
take it to its limits. I’m one of only two
people who get to drive it and there’s
this proud feeling because I know how
much work has gone into getting the
car ready.
The new car is more than a machine
– it’s the most advanced Mercedes F1
car ever built, but it also represents
more than a thousand years’ worth of
working hours as well as the team’s
hopes and dreams. Does that put
extra pressure on you?
To be honest, the pressure I put on
myself has always been the most. But
there’s added pressure. You’re nervous
about damaging the car that all these
people have worked so hard on – but I
know that they don’t think about that.
They know that I am going to give it
everything and that’s what they want
to see. I know what potential I have
in me and I just want to make sure
I utilise that and bring the out the
maximum of potential of the great
machine the team has built.
2018 will be your sixth season with
Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport,
your record with the team is
impressive. How do you feel when
you look back on the time with the
team so far?
It’s hard to believe that it’s already our
sixth year together. It feels like it’s
gone by so quick. I remember my first
time coming to the factory in Brackley,
doing my first seat fit and it’s just
strange to think that now we’re here
as far down the line. It has just been
a dream experience – working with
the greatest team and extending my
relationship with Mercedes who I
signed with when I was 13. It’s been
an emotional rollercoaster together.
How do think the team has developed
over the past five years?
Already when I first came it felt like
a real racing team – with the factory
and the way it is set up. But the
team has come such a long way since
then. Having Toto at the forefront of
it, seeing his vision come together,
it’s really quite remarkable how the
factory and the energy in the buildings
has shifted. The working environment
is just phenomenal, it has improved
so much and to see that reflected in
the work that people are doing is
incredibly impressive and inspiring.
It’s been amazing to see.
Looking into the future – where does
the team need to develop?
Mercedes already is the best team and
it continues to grow into a stronger
team. The foundation is very strong
and now they’re putting the right
building bricks in place. I think the
team is going to continue to grow and
I hope that I can be a part of that for
as long as I can.
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Who do you think will be our main
competitors this year?
It’s difficult to say at the moment, but
naturally you can imagine that it is
going to be very close with Ferrari and
Red Bull who were so competitive at
the end of the year. But maybe another
team will surprise as well.
We see a few changes for the new
season – less power unit components,
the halo, new tyre compounds. What
do you make of that?
It’s getting harder and harder for the
team in Brixworth and the people in
Brackley, but they’re continuously
rising to the challenge which is great
to see. I think it will be tough for
everyone this year with the regulation
changes. It puts more emphasis on
me, making sure that I’m very careful
with the engine. We just need to make
sure that we maximise it as much as
possible. Reliability will continue to be
a key player in the sport as it has been
in previous years. But I know that I’ve
got the best team working as hard as
they can to make sure that we’re at the
forefront of that.
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With the introduction of the halo the
minimum weight of the car increased
by 5 kilograms to 733 kilograms.
What impact does that have from a
driver’s perspective?
The car is getting pretty heavy year on
year and that does affect the car when
you’re driving it. Adding weight just
slows the car down, but it gets faster
with development again. I think at the
moment seeing the halo on the car is
quite alien to us, but I’m sure we will
get used to it and it will become the
norm before we know it.
In 2018, we will go back to
Hockenheim in Germany and also
race at Paul Ricard in France. What
are your thoughts about that?
I remember my first time to
Hockenheim. I think I was 13, I went
along with Nico. I was sitting with
Ron and he was asking us if we could
cope with being in the same team as
kids. That was at the old Hockenheim
circuit which was one of my favourites
back then. But the track is still great
as it is now. It’s quite small but it has
that big long straight in the back
which creates good racing. I’m excited
to be going back, Germany has such
a great fan base for motor racing.
It’s important that we go to countries
where there is a long lifeblood of fans
because this sport would be nothing
without its fans. We are going to
new countries and new territories
which currently might not have a real
fan base and the goal is always to
encourage new people to join. But we
can’t ignore the true fans that are at
the heart and core of this sport. So, I’m
really glad that we’re going back to
both Germany and France.
Last question: What are you most
excited about in 2018?
I’m just looking forward to racing
again. It’s crazy – I’ve been racing
forever, but it’s still freaking good. I
still get the buzz. So, I’m just excited
to get back into it. I could pretty much
race every day.
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75
F1the Mercedes-AMG
NEVERF1 W09SLEEPS:
EQ Power+ unveiled
There’s a storm brewing at Silverstone. In a darkened pit
garage the covers have been pulled off one of the most
eagerly anticipated race cars of 2018.
After a long winter which followed in the wake of the
Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport Team wrapping up
a fourth consecutive constructors’ championship, and a
further driver’s title with Lewis Hamilton at the wheel; the
vehicle to carry the entire Silver Arrows family’s hopes and
dreams is out of the box.
The new car has some serious shoes to fill. 12 race wins, 15
pole positions – more than any other team on the grid – are
just the recent highlights of a record breaking past season.
It’s little wonder why then, that the factories at Brackley and
Brixworth have logged thousands of hours since the flag
dropped in Abu Dhabi, to pull together over 40,000 parts to
create the team’s most advanced Formula One car ever.
Evolution is the watchword with the Mercedes-AMG F1 W09
EQ Power+.
The all-new F1 W09 EQ Power+ shares a big portion of its
DNA from its predecessor, and as such carries a range of
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subtle developments which will add up to a package which
will hopefully destroy the competition, come lights out at
race one in Australia on March 25th.
At first glance the most obvious change is the introduction
of the Halo safety device, above the driver’s cockpit. Further
aerodynamic regulation changes extend to the banning of
the ‘monkey seat’ - a small wing underneath the main rear
wing of the car – and the T-shaped wings, which featured on
the rear bodywork of most cars throughout 2017.
According to reigning champion Lewis Hamilton, the new
car comes with a warning to the competition too; “This is
better than last year’s car in every aspect. It looks quite
similar but inside, underneath the shell, and even the
bodywork, it’s all refined to perform even better than it did
last year.
“Formula One never sleeps. When we aren’t racing, then the
team are hard at work developing the car. Days like today
are incredibly proud moments for me - to be able to be part of
such a great team and see the new season’s car all together
in one piece for the first time. To see it all together is such a
work of art, and there are only two of us that get to drive it.
“I’m just looking forward to racing again. It’s crazy – I’ve
been racing forever, but it’s still freaking good. I still get the
buzz. So, I’m just excited to get back into it. I could pretty
much race every day.”
Under the low-slung silver and electric blue painted skin of
the car sits a revised version of Mercedes-AMG Motorsports
all conquering powertrain. Pushing out 1000bhp. The new
engine and power train has been rebuilt to be 40% more
efficient, to conform to the new rules which state teams are
only allowed to race with just three engines per driver per
championship and two ERS systems.
With 21 Grand Prix scheduled for the year– making 2018
the joint-longest season in F1 history – there was no time
to waste. Valtteri Bottas jumped in the car first to complete
initial shakedown and filming laps around Silverstone’s
International Circuit.
“It’s really amazing to know how many hours have been
spent on designing and manufacturing the new car and
how much effort people have put into it,” explained Valtteri.
“As a driver you feel really special to be able to drive this
machine”.
“I want to use all the things that I learned last year”,
explained Valtteri. “This year is all about executing and
delivering the results. For me, consistency is the key. I had
some really good races, but then I had races where I was not
on the level I wanted to be. I want to be on a good level on
every single race weekend – that’s going to be the goal for
me this year. I definitely want to fight for the championship”.
While the absolute maximum distance a team can lap at an
initial shakedown is 100km, the Mercedes-AMG Petronas
Motorsport Team won’t have to wait long to start unleashing
the true potential of their new creation. Pre-season testing
started on February 26th in Barcelona, Spain.
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77
Valtteri Bottas
We met up with Valtteri Bottas, the first person to drive the W09 EQ
Power+. He also chats to us about his goals for the year…
Valtteri, last year you had a hectic winter as you joined
Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport at short notice. How
was your winter this year?
This year I could really relax, focus on my health and my
training. I did a lot of training, especially in January and
February. I’m feeling fresh, healthy and fit for the new
season.
You spent a few days in the factory in the past weeks.
How would you describe the atmosphere in the team?
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It’s always really interesting to go to the factory for the first
time after the break, to see how things have been going
since December. Even though people get some holiday over
Christmas and New Year, there are always people at the factory
working on the new car. It’s really interesting to see how the
winter has been going, how the new car is coming together.
I had a number of meetings with my engineers regarding the
approach for the new season. I also did quite a lot of simulator
work for winter testing and the season ahead.
You will be the first person to drive the new Mercedes-AMG
F1 W09 EQ Power+, our challenger
for the 2018 season. How does that
feel?
It’s really amazing to know how many
hours have been spent on designing
and manufacturing the new car and
how much effort people have put into
it. As a driver you feel really special to
be able to drive that machine. We all
just hope that it’s going to be a good
machine, a quick one.
2018 comes with a few changes – the
halo, less power units to be used per
driver per championship. What are
your thoughts on that?
I have done more than one race
distance in the simulator with the halo
and I got used to it during the first
race. Initially it was a bit weird to see
the halo, but I got completely used to
it; it’s not disturbing any more so I’m
fine with it. I’m sure it’s going to look
a bit strange for all the fans initially
as well because there’s never been
anything like that on a Formula One
car. But as it is with all the changes in
the past, something new always looks
a bit weird in the beginning, before
people get used to it. If the halo can
protect even from a small injury, then
that’s a good rule change. Regarding
the power units, we hope to keep a
similar level of reliability to last year
when we were very reliable. That’s
all thanks to all the hard work in
Brixworth. We hope that the new PUs
will be powerful and reliable and that
we won’t have any issues with the new
regulations.
Formula One is coming back to
Germany in 2018 and will also see
the addition of a French GP at Paul
Ricard. How do you feel about that?
I’ve raced so many times at
Hockenheim: the first time was
probably in 2007 with Formula
Renault. And I’ve been racing there in
F3 as well and GP3. It’s always been
a great circuit to go to. And I have
good memories from the 2014 F1 race,
when I came in second with Lewis just
behind me. Hopefully we can get the
same result this year – just one place
better. And it will be good to go back
with Mercedes as it will be a home race
for us.
That’s your goal for Hockenheim. But
what’s your goal for the season?
I want to use all the things that I
learned last year. This year is all about
executing and delivering the results.
For me, consistency is the key. I had
some really good races, but then I had
races where I was not on the level I
wanted to be. I want to be on a good
level on every single race weekend –
that’s going to be the goal for me this
year. I definitely want to fight for the
championship.
going to be really interesting how it’s
going to be.
We saw a close battle with Ferrari
last year. Who do you think are going
to be the main competitors this year?
Number one will be the first time
getting into the new car. It’s always
super exciting to drive the new car
for the first time and get a feel for it.
And knowing that so many hours of
work have gone in to it makes it even
more special. Number two will be
Melbourne. It’s always really cool to get
on the starting grid for the first time
and seeing what we can do as a team
compared to the others. And number
three: I’m looking forward to all the
new wins and a good end result for the
year.
On paper, Ferrari and Red Bull
look like they will be our toughest
competitors. But we should not
underestimate any other teams. It’s a
new season and you never know what
people in other teams have come up
with. McLaren and Renault can be very
strong. And you never know about
Williams either they have shown some
strengths in the past few years. So it’s
What are the three things you’re
most excited about in 2018?
APRIL 2018
79
: Expert
Sleep
like a log
Spend less time locked in mortal
combat with your pillow and
more of it in snooze town…
Professor Adrian
J Williams is a
founding member
of The British
Sleep Foundation
and a consultant
at The London Sleep Centre,
Harley Street.
He has been studying sleep for
more than 40 years and literally
knows more about dozing than
you could ever dream of…
Instead of going for a
serious page turner,
try reading short stories
such as Ernest Hemingway’s
Men Without Women.
02
01
YOU’RE PROBABLY
AN INSOMNIAC
“If you’re having
trouble falling asleep,
staying asleep or
waking up and still
feeling tired, then
that’s insomnia.
Obviously it’s quite
subjective, but if this
is happening four or
more nights a week,
then you could be an
insomniac. Around
one in 10 people
suffer from the
condition and might
not even realise. Bad
sleep leaves you
feeling fatigued and
can affect cognition
throughout the day.”
THERE’S NO
MAGIC NUMBER
“It’s a myth that
everybody should
have nine hours of
sleep every night.
The truth is that that’s
an average across
society: 50% of
people may need
more and 50% of
people may need less.
So the actual range
is between four and
10 hours, depending
on the person. If you
feel great after just
four hours’ sleep, then
that’s probably all that
you need…”
04
03
NOD OFF WITH YOUR
NOSE IN A BOOK
“We live in a 24/7
society where people
are constantly
exposed to too much
light in the evenings
from things like
computers and
smartphones. Using
brightly lit objects
such as these can
delay your body clock.
If you find reading
helps you relax before
bed, try picking up a
real book instead of
getting out your iPad
or Kindle.”
TURN OFF YOUR
BLUE LIGHT
“Light exposure
automatically switches
off your melatonin
secretion, which is the
substance that you
make at night to help
you sleep. Blue light
is the main stimulus
of the body clock.
We often prescribe
blue-light treatment in
the mornings to shift
the body clock. But if
you’re exposed to blue
light in the evening, it
will delay it. You can
actually get apps now
that block out blue
light so it affects you
less in the evening.”
Hot water bottle.
Boon Glo night
light.
Flip alarm clock
by Lexon.
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APRIL 2018
Block out all the light
with a sleep masl.
Be a genius:
sleep like
one of the
greats…
True Grace room
freshener.
06
05
SEX AND SNOOZE
“Too many people fill
their bedroom with
technology such as
televisions and
computers, or they
keep their smartphone
at a constant arm’s
length. Using your
bedroom for things
other than sleep and
sex distorts the idea
of what the bedroom
is for, and that
hampers your ability
to get into the right
mindset for sleep.”
EXERCISE WON’T
WIPE YOU OUT
“You might think an
evening gym session
will burn off lots of
energy and wipe you
out for a good night’s
sleep, but it actually
does the opposite.
It raises your body
temperature, which
can throw your body
clock, and also
generates adrenaline,
which will disturb
your sleep. Keep
your exercises to
the morning or late
afternoon so you can
read just before bed.”
07
Winston Churchill
Britain’s war-winning PM
hit the hay at 5pm every
day for a two-hour nap,
claiming it allowed him
to get 1.5 days’ work
done in just 24 hours.
SLEEP WHEN
YOU’RE TIRED
“Obviously it’s not
always realistic, but
you should only go to
bed when you’re tired
and make sure that
you wake at a regular
time. Most insomniacs
spend too much time
in bed: they try to
sleep when they’re not
tired and just end up
lying there. Go to bed
when you’re sleepy. If
you’re awake tossing
and turning, you
shouldn’t be in bed.
Get up and be
productive.”
Salvador Dalí
The artist encouraged
sleep-deprived creativity
by snoozing with a heavy
metal key in his hand,
which when dropped,
would wake him up.
Retro Lamp.
Charles Dickens
This author carried a
compass to ensure he
both wrote and slept
while facing north.
It didn’t cure his
insomnia though…
*FHM takes no
Get yourself a
comfy pillow to catch
those 40 winks.
responsibility for injuries
caused by sleeping like
a lunatic.
APRIL 2018
81
PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR, SHUTTERSTOCK
Leonardo da Vinci
Artist, scientist and
inventor da Vinci
maintained his
productivity by sleeping
for 20 minutes every
four hours.
Shirt: COTTON ON
T-shirt: TOPMAN
Jeans: TOPMAN
Shoes: ZARA
Watch: OMEGA
82
APRIL 2018
LAZY AUTUMN
DAYS
By Lexie Rob
APRIL 2018
83
Jacket: ZARA
T-shirt: TOPMAN:
Pants: COTTON ON
Watch: CALVIN KLEIN
84
APRIL 2018
T-shirt: TOPMAN
Jeans: TOPMAN
Shoes: ZARA
Watch: OMEGA
APRIL 2018
85
Boardshorts: Cotton On
86
APRIL 2018
T-shirt: TOPMAN
Pants: COTTON ON
Watch: BELL & ROSS
Bag: ZARA
APRIL 2018
87
True
story:
“This was
the kind of
mission most
folks can only
experience in
a video game
or a cinema…”
John McPhee has spent a
lifetime in some of the most
dangerous war zones of the
last 20 years, including Bosnia,
South America, Iraq and, as
told here, Afghanistan.
An army ranger and a United
States Army Special Forces
‘Green Beret’, John quickly rose
to the top of the US’s premier
counter-terrorism unit, Delta
Force, where he was one of
the first operators dropped
into Afghanistan after 9/11.
JOHN MCPHEE’S (SECOND FROM
LEFT) DELTA FORCE RECCE
TROOP, AFGHANISTAN, 2001
“THE YEAR WAS 2002 AND I WAS A DELTA
SNIPER, ALREADY ON MY THIRD TOUR IN
AFGHANISTAN. My squadron and I
had been running rampant in
the region for one specific
purpose: to hunt and kill Osama
Bin Laden. Various sources
had said that he’d skated to
Pakistan, while others believed
he’d been winged by one of
the smart bombs we’d dropped
on al-Qaeda hideouts deep in
the Tora Bora mountains.
“We found a source who
told us about an al-Qaeda safe
house in a village deep in a
mountain valley where a senior
MAM [Military Aged Male], a
leathery man dubbed Ghul
Ahmed, was the same cat that
had hid the wounded Bin Laden
when he fled there the previous
December. That was enough
to shuffle Ghul Ahmed’s centre
mass into the unit’s sights.”
“I WAS ASKED DIRECTLY BY MY TROOP
COMMANDER IF I’D VOLUNTEER FOR A SOLO
MISSION. It was to infiltrate the
village and gather intel
88
APRIL 2018
on Ghul Ahmed. It was the
rare kind of mission that isn’t
assigned. The type where the
outcome is so uncertain that
they only ask for volunteers. The
kind of gig most folks can only
experience from a seat in the
local theatre or tunnel visioned
in a video game.
“The brief was simple. Go
alone with no support, obtain
video evidence of Ghul Ahmed’s
presence and get information
on the target building. Then I’d
move out unseen – and alive
– to lead an assault force back
to the village to capture or kill
Ghul Ahmed. It all sounded
sketchy, but as a Delta Force
sniper, a mission like this is
part of the job description.”
“THE FIRST STEP WAS SORTING OUT MY
DISGUISE. I already had a beard
that made the Taliban envious to
which I added tattered clothing,
similar to
the ones worn by the locals,
and a floppy wool mujahideen
hat. Blending in while in plain
sight was my forte. Most males
in Nangarhar Province also
openly carried a weapon, so I
added my own beat-up AK-47
to my disguise. My basic load
was a compact video camera
and satellite phone, both carried
in an inconspicuous plastic
cigarette bag.”
“DEPARTING THE BAGRAM AIRBASE, MY
FIRST STOP WAS A SAFE HOUSE
IN JALALABAD. From there, my
journey had me hopscotching
between local vans and logging
trucks that wound their way
through the massive mountain
peaks and mud-walled villages
in the region.
“Any form of transport to the
mountain villages also doubled
as a taxi, crammed with locals.
So I sat in that packed truck
for three frozen, bone-shaking
days. Not speaking Pashto,
the language in that region
of Afghanistan, I drew upon
my acting skills to avoid having
to speak and pretended to
be cerebrally challenged.
JOHN MCPHEE, THE
“SHERIFF” OF BAGHDAD
P R E PA R I N G F O R
ACTION IN IRAQ
Nobody bothers large, scarylooking people that don’t seem
completely there, especially if
they’re carrying an assault rifle.”
“THE CHECKPOINTS WE PASSED THROUGH
WERE HAIR-RAISING EVENTS. The
tribesmen who guarded the
boundaries between unmarked
territories were known for
indiscriminately killing travellers
and ransacking their
possessions. In a movie, a
character would simply slip the
guard a hundred spot and bribe
his way through. In reality, that
technique would have gotten
me killed as they’d just suspect
me of having more money.
“After a few days of travelling
in cramped conditions through
hostile territory, we reached the
target village. I knew exactly
which building to look for from
poring over satellite photos and
just needed to covertly capture
footage. With my handheld
video camera clutched under
my armpit, I filmed the target’s
two-story mud and wood house
as we drove through the valley.
We slowly trundled along over
basketball-sized boulders, and
I could clearly see males in
the target building but couldn’t
confirm Ghul Ahmed was home.
I’d observed too much activity
for him not to be though, and
that was confirmation for me.”
“ALL THAT I HAD TO DO THEN WAS
GET OUT AND TRANSMIT THE FOOTAGE
BACK TO BASE. Reverting back
to ‘character’, a family offered
me food and a bed not far from
the target house. Later, while
everyone slept, I grabbed my
AK-47 and made my move,
waking a truck driver and
forcing him back to his truck
at gunpoint. The driver was
clueless as I pushed him out
of the house for the long trip
back to Jalalabad.
“Several days later, I was once
again bouncing down the same
uneven track, only this time I
wasn’t alone. Twenty-two
heavily-armed Delta Force
operators were hidden, Trojan
Horse-style, in the back of two
logging trucks. After navigating
a seven-hour drive through the
checkpoints we pulled up just
short of the target building and
manoeuvred the steep rock face
on foot. We managed to slip
through the neighbourhood
without disturbing anybody, and
positioned ourselves just shy of
the target building.”
“THEN THE ORDERS CAME: ‘I HAVE CONTROL,
STANDBY… 5,4,3,2,1 EXECUTE’. The
takedown was precise and rapid.
An irritated Ghul Ahmed was
captured as he lay sleeping in
his bed next to a naked woman.
Mission accomplished. It was a
textbook operation that took five
minutes without a single shot
fired. We learned a lot on that
mission, specifically that we had
to be a lot smarter in how we
operated and theway we would
roll in the future. There was a
ton more workto be done before
Bin Laden would finally be killed
almost 10 years later in 2011.”
What
happened
next?
01 John McPhee was awarded
his second Bronze Star for
valour for combat operations
in Afghanistan.
02 A month after the mission
that killed Osama Bin Laden,
McPhee retired from the army
as a sergeant major.
03 Combat-grizzled with years
of first-hand experience, he is
now one of the world’s premier
shooting instructors. He now
trains civilians, law enforcers
and tactical SWAT teams in
special operations tactics and
shooting skills.
Details on John McPhee’s
training courses can be found
at sobtactical.com
APRIL 2018
89
90
APRIL 2018
LEE KIM
Photography by Walt Weiss
This blonde bombshell is definitely the complete package - she know her
way around the kitchen as well as cars and has a head for business.
APRIL 2018
91
Thanks for sitting down with us
Shana, we were super excited to
have you feature this month. How
did you feel when you received
the news?
I was incredibly excited! Thank you
for this opportunity!
If you weren’t a model, what
would you be?
A chef most likely, or something
involved with the local community.
In a perfect world, I would be a
travel blogger or show host - my
dream jobs!
Who is your celeb crush?
Alexander Skarsgard. There’s
just something about him, but Bill
Murray will always have my heart.
What is the one thing about
yourself that you wish more
people knew?
I’m very handy and I know my
way around a car. My dad was a
mechanic, so I’ve been greasy and
under a car since I was 5.
What does your typical day look
like?
I have my morning cup of tea
and then I feed the pets. I’ll have
breakfast and get ready then head
to a shoot. If I’m not shooting,
then I’m usually answering emails,
managing my social media,
running errands, doing chores
around the house, prepping for
the next shoot, taking the dogs
on walks and making sure I have
everything for dinner - I do the
cooking. I usually work out before
dinner and, depending on the day,
it’ll be weights or yoga.
When you are not busy modelling,
what is your favourite thing to
do?
Being outside and enjoying nature
or staying in and watching an old
horror movie with a glass of wine.
I love to explore and go hiking
with my dogs or going camping
and kayaking. I’m scuba certified
too, so planning dive trips are
fun! There’s no better feeling than
the peacefulness you experience
underwater while interacting with
the marine life.
Which three words best describe
you?
Adventurous, empathetic, strong.
Tell us a bit about your most
embarrassing moment.
Oh geez, which one? One time in
92
APRIL 2018
high school, a soccer buddy and I were
kicking plastic bottles in the gym on
the basketball court. We were trying to
see who could get it closest to the goal
from half court. Well, I kicked so hard
and completely whiffed(missed) that
my legs went up in the air and I fell
right on my bum! In front of everyone!
It was embarrassing, but a good laugh!
Do you have anyone special in your
life? Tell us a bit more.
Yes, I do. I’m married to a wonderful
man who understands me and supports
my endeavours. Plus, we both love a
good horror movie.
Where to from here? What are your
plans for the future?
I’m not sure. I’d love to continue
modelling, but I also have some
entrepreneurial endeavours I may
want to take on. There are lots of
opportunities out there, but I’ll have to
go with my gut. I don’t know, maybe
you’ll find me on my own mini farm
one day
APRIL 2018
93
94
APRIL 2018
APRIL 2018
95
10 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE FUNNY
06
Toilet paper stuck to shoe
If you’ve just exited a pub
toilet and you’ve got a
metre of bog roll trailing
from your shoe, then you
may as well call it a night
and go home immediately
because you’re never going
to regain your dignity. You
are now the Official Pub
Clown Of The Evening,
and nobody will take
anything you say seriously
for the rest of time.
05
10
Crap impersonations
Accurate celebrity impressions are good,
but for gut-busting funniness you can’t
beat one that’s so wide of the mark that
it’s utterly ridiculous. Like how your Uncle
Ron’s impression of Cheryl Cole always
comes out as an elderly Jamaican lady
with a bad concussion. So awesome.
09
Your mate getting crabs
Men never stop finding
genitals hilarious, so it’s
always funny when your
close mate catches a nonpermanent but superembarrassing STD. Crabs
are the funniest, because
they’re called “crabs” and
pubes are involved.
08
Your mate stacking it
Ever since prehistoric
man pulled himself
upright onto two legs and
96
APRIL 2018
took his first tentative
steps towards civilisation,
he has been falling on his
arse. And since man has
been falling on his arse,
man’s mate has been on
hand to laugh so hard
that he gets a stitch.
07
Right text, wrong person
We live in hyper-connected
times, and we’re all firing
off so many emails, texts,
DMs and WhatsApps that,
every so often, we’re
bound to send the exact
wrong message to the
Flatulence
Farts so obviously belong
on this list but there
are a few variables that
determine the hilarity of
any given air-biscuit. For
example: a baby’s fart is
hilarious, but an 80-yearold’s? Not so much. A
stranger farting at the
next urinal is funny; a
stranger farting in the
next toilet stall is just
gross. And a noisy fart
is funnier than a stinky
fart – unless you are the
architect of the latter,
you’re within an enclosed
space with your friends,
and there’s no escape.
04
Small children swearing
Hearing a preschool child
absentmindedly drop
an unexpected F-bomb
in public will always be
funny for two reasons:
firstly, the child invariably
has no idea of the huge
shock waves they’ve just
unleashed on everyone
in the vicinity. Secondly,
the child’s parent wishes
the ground would open up
and swallow them whole.
03
Old people’s tech fails
Whether it’s your mum
accidentally entering
“buttock stretch-mark
pills” as a Facebook status
rather than a Google
search, or your grandad
telling everyone he’s been
emailed by an African
prince who wants to make
him rich, you can’t beat ye
olde folkes getting the
modern world all wrong.
02
Someone else’s
catastrophic hangover
Your own hangovers
are no laughing matter:
your brain hurts, you’re
consumed by a nameless
dread, and everything is
wretched. But if you’re
hangover-free and your
mate is in absolute bits,
their pitiful sighings,
twitchings and almostvomitings will keep
you tickled pink all day.
01
Unfortunate names
The following are all
100% genuine names,
currently belonging to
actual human beings
that roam the earth: Mike
Litoris. BJ Cobbledick.
Dick Smalley. Flavour
Balls. Phat Ho. Dick Dong
Wang. Harold A Ballitch.
We could go on, but by
now you’re either snorking
like an idiot (in which
case, well done, you are
alive) or you’ve remained
resolutely stone-faced (in
which case, a bit of bad
news: you are dead).
See
you next
month...
WORDS: JOE MADDEN. PHOTOGRAPHY: REX
most perfectly wrong
person. If you’ve ever been
with someone who’s just
accidentally sexted their
mum then you’ll get where
we’re going with this.
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