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The Times Times 2 - 9 March 2018

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March 9 | 2018
My father
Leonard
Bernstein
His son on
the centenary of the
musical genius
2
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
times2
Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
10
UP
Brooklyn
Beckham
This week OK!
magazine ran an
exhaustive six-page
catalogue of the
tattoos of young
Beckham, drawing
particular attention
to how “just
underneath his
left nipple” there
is a mysterious
“DVBRCH”.
“It’s a tribute to his
close-knit family,” OK!
explained. “The initials
of their first names —
David, Victoria, Brooklyn,
Romeo, Cruz and Harper
— just under his left
nipple.” Because that is
the “most family”
place on the body: just
under the left nipple.
It’s where CW always wants a
permanent reminder of its mother.
Of course, while CW understands
the mysterious “DVBRCH” tattoo,
it feels it must tell young master
Beckham that, at first glance, it
thought it was a tribute to someone
called “DAVE BIRCH”, but with all
the vowels removed.
9
UP
Kylie
Jenner
CW doesn’t know if you are aware
of the phenomenon of the “push
present”, a modern invention
wherein a woman who has just given
birth is given a gift by her partner to
reward/thank her for all the pushing.
In the interests of maternal clarity,
CW must point out that the name
“push present” unfairly centres on
the “pushing” aspect of labour,
which is really just a very small part
of it. A better term for this gift — and
one that CW feels honours the whole
of the birthing process —
would be “day of all-over
agony present”. Or,
perhaps, “risking the
integrity of your bumhole
present”. Or even the
“No! No! Why has my god
abandoned me? present”. It feels
those are more accurate. Anyhoo,
having given birth to baby Stormi last
month, Kylie Jenner proudly posted
a picture of her “push present”
from her partner, Travis Scott:
a $1.4 million Ferrari sports
car with room for only two
people. Yes — you can’t fit a
baby seat into it. CW can’t
work out if this is an
unexpectedly feminist move
from Scott — reaffirming to
Jenner that, yes, she might
now be a mother, but can still
occasionally go out without her
baby and take part in an illegal
drag race, à la Grease — or
whether he’s just a bit
thoughtless and the couple will
have to attach some kind of baby
sidecar to the Ferrari whenever
they have to take Stormi to the
shops. It guesses we’ll find out
soon enough.
8
UP
Call Me By
Your Name
Call Me By Your Name has had a
glorious nomination run at the
Oscars, so it’s little surprise to see
there is a sequel planned. Always
willing to be helpful — particularly
if there’s a well-paid script punch-up
gig in the offing — CW has set its
megamind to pondering possible
titles for this project, and so far it’s
got Called Me By Your Name; Applying
for a Credit Card in Your Name; and
OK, Now You’ve Done It, I Can See It
Feels a Bit Weird. Shall We Just Go
Back to Our Own Names Again?
7
UP
Liam Gallagher
Headline of the week
has a rather . . .
scatological theme
to it. Indeed, CW has
considered renaming it,
for one week only, “bumline of the week”, so
bum-based are the
entries. The Sun had
“Shaun Ryder has
fans in hysterics as
he screams during
coffee enema” before detailing
Ryder’s appearance on the makeover
show 100 Years Younger in 21 Days.
Twitter, meanwhile, intrigued with
“Ben Wheatley updates on new film
project, Colin You Anus”, a movie
that CW would happily book tickets
for immediately, so keen is it to
discover the world of Colin and his
anus-comparable world view.
However, the winner has to be the
NME’s “Liam Gallagher responds to
claims that he robbed Richard
Madeley’s house and had a poo in his
neighbour’s bath”. CW feels that no
one needs to know any more about
these allegations than that. It is
enough that they exist.
4
UP
Penny
Lancaster
With Mother’s Day this weekend,
CW was heartened to see that Penny
Lancaster, the model, TV presenter
and wife of Rod Stewart, celebrated
the occasion early by taking her mum
on a lovely trip to Paris. It presumes
that Ma Lancaster’s smashing crossbody handbag was also a gift from
her loving daughter — likewise the
posh blow-dry and delicate pink
plimmies. Happy Mother’s Day,
Mrs Lancaster!
6
UP
Chrissy Teigen
CW enjoys a celebrity who plays with
the concept of celebrity — frankly, it
seems like the only sensible thing to
do with it — and is therefore a longtime fan of Chrissy Teigen, the model,
TV presenter, wife of John Legend
and funniest woman on Twitter.
Over the past few weeks the
press has been full of stories about
“emotional-support animals” — pets
that anxious people bring on aircraft
to stop them freaking out over flying
in a mad tube of death. Usually, these
pets are small, yappy dogs, but in
recent months there have been stories
of people bringing emotional-support
hamsters, emotionalsupport snakes,
emotional-support small
horses and emotionalsupport peacocks. As
you may imagine,
airline staff have had
to explain to these
customers that
their pets would
become
“emotional
panic-inspirers”
to others on the
plane, which
resulted in one
woman flushing
her hamster
down the
toilet. Yes,
these are the
times we’re
living through.
No, there is no
other option.
Inspired
by these
stories,
Teigen asked
staff on
American
Airlines, “Can I bring
an emotional-support
casserole?” and
Instagrammed a picture
of a “large ceramic
casserole dish, filled with
scalloped potatoes”. “I’ll
cry if they throw it
away,” she explained.
Presumably amused
by her whimsy, the staff
agreed, thus hopefully
paving the way for CW
to bring its muchloved “emotionalsupport parachute”
next time it flies.
5
DOWN
Katie Price
Another week, another
moment of WTF? from
the world of Katie Price.
According to Heat
magazine, a “source”
close to her revealed:
“While she was filming
Celebrity Haunted
Mansion, a psychic
told her that her
marriage was dead.
Now Katie says it’s
over and is ready
to move on.”
Although CW
does not doubt
the veracity of
this story — it
has been writing
about Price for a
decade and this is
frankly par for
the course — it’s
intrigued as to
the mechanics
of this
exchange.
On the
basis of the
evidence,
this
anecdote
suggests
that if you’re in a
haunted mansion,
and are told by a
psychic that your
marriage is dead,
then it is because
the psychic has
received a message,
from beyond the
grave, from the
dead marriage. The
marriage has become
a ghost and is living in
a haunted mansion.
That’s where dead
marriages go.
Has CW got this
right? It wishes Isaac
Asimov were still
alive to explain.
3
UP
Oprah
Winfrey
Over the past
couple of years
there has been a
swelling body of
opinion that Oprah
Winfrey — the
world’s most-loved
woman — should
run for president.
Alas, this week
Winfrey seemed to
finally nix this idea.
“I actually went into
prayer about it,” she
told People magazine. “II
said, ‘God, if you think I’m
supposed to run, you gotta
tell me, and it has to be so
clear that not even I can
miss it.’ And I haven’t
gotten that.”
Although CW hugely respects
Winfrey’s relationship with God,
it feels it has to say: “OPRAH!
DONALD TRUMP HAS BECOME
PRESIDENT! WHAT GREATER
SIGN COULD GOD SEND YOU?
GOD’S PRACTICALLY TURNED UP
ON YOUR DOORSTEP TO GIVE
YOU A LIFT TO THE WHITE
HOUSE! WHAT MORE CONCRETE
EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED? RUN
— FOR GOD’S SAKE, RUN!”
the times | Friday March 9 2018
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2
DOWN
Macaulay
Culkin
1
UP
Donald Trump
mp
& Piers Morgan
g
gan
v the Oscars
CW would say that, by and large, most
people on Earth understand what the
Oscars are. They are a very long film
industry awards ceremony that you
watch with mates, drunk, and largely
talk over until Warren Beatty and
Faye Dunaway screw up or Jennifer
Lawrence tanks it on the stairs. You
rate the dresses and cheer passionate
speeches, or when your favourite
movie wins. It’s all pretty simple.
Donald Trump and Piers Morgan,
however, believe that the Academy
Awards are not just a mildly diverting
TV event, but a massive showbiz bomb
to their nuts. Taking time out from a
busy week fending off investigations
into his political legitimacy, Trump
tweeted: “Lowest rated Oscars in
HISTORY. Problem is, we don’t have
Stars anymore — except your
President (just kidding, of course)!”
“Thanks, lowest-rated president in
HISTORY”, the Oscars’ host, Jimmy
Kimmel, responded.
Meanwhile, as well as leading a
poll on breakfast TV about whether
Fireman Sam should be renamed
“Fireperson Sam”, Morgan found time
to write two columns about how much
he hates the Oscars and railed about
them on Good Morning Britain. The
nub of his ire? Stars are using the
Oscars as an opportunity to rant about
equality, or how Trump’s policies affect
them as immigrants, rather than just
looking glamorous and saying thanks.
Piers Morgan — who used his
globally televised interview with the
president to rant about how badly
his football team are doing
this season — wrote in the
Daily Mail, “Ban all politics . . .
stop playing the victim . . .
and stop bashing
the president.”
CW wonders if
such apoplectic
peevishness
might stem from
both wanting to
be at the Oscars,
but knowing that their appearance
would be about as welcome as, well,
the obligatory Donald Trump cameo
in any movie shot on a Trump
property. To be fair, Trump — who is
so obsessed with celebrity that he once
tweeted “Robert Pattinson should not
take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated
on him like a dog & will do it again” —
has made that clear. He simply wanted
to be there to show all the celebrities
how to do “being a Star” properly.
As for Morgan, he went to the
Oscars once — well, to a Harvey
Weinstein afterparty, where Benedict
Cumberbatch apparently called
Morgan “an odious man” — but
presumably the invitations dried up
when he got dropped from CNN and
returned to Britain, breakfast TV and a
role as the 21st-century Frank Bough.
Morgan is an interesting case study
in how a change in personal fortune
can affect one’s opinions. For the
Morgan of 2018 — NFI to the Oscars,
and now playing Salacious Crumb
(above) to Trump’s Jabba the Hutt — is
very different from the Morgan of
2016, who urged the comedian Chris
Rock to host the Oscars and “rip the
Academy to pieces . . . exposing the
racist underbelly of Hollywood”. He
added: “It will never change until
enough leading figures . . . white and
black, stand up [and] cry, ‘ENOUGH!’ ”
For the past two years that is exactly
what stars at the Oscars have done in
their speeches — and the resultant
change in Hollywood has led to
Black Panther breaking all the
presumptions of how an all-black
movie would perform and smashing
box-office records worldwide. That
tactic totally worked.
How weird, then, must it be to be
Morgan and now have to argue against
it, having re-cast himself as a Trumpdefending, anti-PC provocateur?
Really, his ability to fully immerse
himself in a character is admirably
Method. No wonder he hates
the political speeches of
Meryl Streep (“A bully . . . a
hypocrite . . . [whose] high
moral values are a moveable
feast”). She’s his only
rival in ability for
being able to play
such different
roles so
passionately
and
convincingly.
The hot list
What to do this weekend
Film
You Were Never Really Here
A dark, disturbing and
often formally abstract
crime movie with brains
that features a mesmerising
© SUCCESSION PICASSO/DACS LONDON
When the star of Home Alone
questioned the veracity of the
film’s plot on The Tonight Show,
there were a million sharp
intakes of breath. “This kid’s a
really clever kid, right?” Culkin
mused. “So, like, these guys are
about to break in. Why doesn’t
he just call the cops?”
Having seen the film approximately
78,788,787,887 times — always on
Christmas Eve, just after Elf and just
before it realises it’s forgotten to buy
the wrapping paper again — CW can
answer this query in an instant: a
storm on December 23 knocks out
the phone and power lines in young
Kevin McCallister’s street. This is
why the family’s
alarm-clock fails to go
off — resulting in their
panicking, Kevinfforgetting rush to the
airport — and why Kevin’s
mother can’t just call him
when she lands in Paris.
CW is worried that no one
explained this to Culkin at
the time — and that he was
lleft to presume that this
particular loveable John Hughes
film was set in a lawless, phoneless
dystopia in which children
must fend for themselves.
IIt can now see how this
impacted on Culkin’s nuancing
of the “ARGH!” screaming eightyear-old boy — particularly the bit
where he pretends to shoot the
pizza-delivery kid or the bit where
he rams a 9in nail through the
burglar’s foot, then brutally brands
his face with a red-hot iron. He
basically thought he was in Blade
Runner. It all makes sense now.
Joaquin Phoenix,
right, on top form
as a brutal avenger.
See review, page 7
On general release
Visual art
Picasso 1932 — Love,
Fame, Tragedy
Focusing on a single, pivotal year
in the artist’s 70-year career, this
show brings together a dazzling
array of canvases and works on
paper that tell the story of his
torrid affair with Marie-Thérèse
Walter. A stunning must-see.
Tate Modern, London SE1 (020
7887 8888), today, tomorrow, Sun
Dance
Russell Maliphant
The choreographer with the eye
of a sculptor offers five duets.
Four are performed live, the fifth
is a new film installation.
Print Room, London W11
(020 3642 6606), tonight,
tomorrow
Comedy
Flight of the Conchords
They’re back. The New
Zealand musical-comedy
duo Bret McKenzie and
Jemaine Clement will be
hitting the arenas soon
enough, but first they are
building up their strength in
theatres on their first British
tour since 2010.
Barbican, York (0844 8542757),
tonight, tomorrow, Sun
Theatre
Summer and Smoke
There’s magic in the air in this
sultry and sexy production of
Tennessee Williams’s play about
love and lust. Patsy Ferran, right,
is fantastic as Miss Alma,
the minister’s daughter with
a burning desire.
Almeida, London N1 (020 7359
4404), tonight and tomorrow
Pop
Belle and Sebastian
The Glasgow band, led by the
singer Stuart Murdoch, left —
long written off as a bunch of
duffel coat-wearing student
weeds suitable only for
Opera
Don Giovanni
Alessandro Levi revives his
highly entertaining, epochhopping Mozart production
for Opera North, with
producing background music for
urban dinner parties — have
developed into a tight and
witty pop group.
Rock City, Nottingham (0845
4134444), tomorrow
William Dazeley, right, sardonic,
nihilistic and in fine voice as the
serial rapist who gets his
comeuppance. Lowry, Salford
(0843 2086000), tonight
In Saturday Review tomorrow
There’s something about Mary: the
director behind Mary Magdalene
4
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
cover story
‘My father gave
off light. It was
like being in this
powerful beam’
In Leonard Bernstein’s centenary year, his son
talks to Richard Morrison about the composer
and conductor’s symphonies, scores and sexuality
T
he nose and eyes are
unmistakable. At 62
Alexander Bernstein
isn’t the spitting image
of his father, but there’s
enough similarity to
spook me when we
shake hands. I met his
father, Leonard Bernstein, just once.
That was in Rome in 1989, the year
before he died. It was at the end of a
long, hot day and Lenny (as the entire
music world called him) was exhausted
from rehearsing a not very good
Italian orchestra. His creased, craggy
face — the legacy of half a century of
booze, cigarettes, 4am bedtimes and
burning all available candles at all
available ends — already had the pale
pallor of mortality. Yet in the twilight,
looking out over the Eternal City from
his hotel penthouse, he astonished
me by asking who my favourite
20th-century English poet was, then
reciting chunks of Philip Larkin’s The
Whitsun Weddings from memory.
“Oh yes, that man’s memory was
extraordinary,” says Alexander, a
drama teacher and actor. “Sonnets.
Pages and pages of Alice in
Wonderland. Long passages
of dialogue from Gilbert
and Sullivan. And of course,
all that music he learnt
over his career. He kept it all
stored up there in that brain.”
Bernstein composed three
symphonies, several film scores
and Broadway musicals —
while jetting between orchestras
on three continents. Where on
earth did he find the time to
read so much? I asked him that
in 1989. “As I get older and older
I sleep less and less,” he replied in
that quintessential gravelly croak.
“That’s true,” his son confirms.
“Some people say, ‘Oh, if only he
had lived longer than 72, what
might he have done?’ To me,
though, it’s amazing he kept going
as long as he did. I think the
Rita Moreno in the 1961 film of
West Side Story. Above left: Leonard
Bernstein with his wife, Felicia, and
children Alexander and Jamie in
1957. Below: Bernstein in 1975.
Right: Lizzy Connolly and Jacob
Maynard in On The Town in 2017
composer Ned Rorem got it right
when he said that my father basically
lived three lives in one.”
At least three, I would have said.
And this year all the lives of the 20th
century’s greatest musical all-rounder
— composer, conductor, concert
pianist, writer, broadcaster and (in the
broadest sense) educator — are being
celebrated around the world to mark
the Bernstein centenary.
He was born on August 25,
1918,
19 the son of Ukrainian-Jewish
immigrants who had come to the
im
United
States 18 years earlier.
U
Strange
to imagine how things
St
might
have turned out if the
m
family
had stayed in Ukraine,
fa
and the precociously gifted, but
an
wilfully
individual Lenny had
w
grown
up in the Soviet Union.
gr
It’s
It unlikely that he would have
written
anything as exuberant
w
as West Side Story or On the
Town.
In fact, it’s hard to
To
imagine
this inexhaustibly
im
argumentative
and
ar
flamboyantly
bisexual figure
fla
surviving
Stalin’s purges.
su
Or was he bisexual? It
depends
how you define
de
the
th term, I guess. Arthur
Laurents,
the playwright
La
who
wh collaborated with him
on West Side Story, said that Bernstein
was “a gay man who got married —
he wasn’t conflicted about it at all, he
was just gay”.
That, paradoxically, also seems
to have been the view of Felicia
Montealegre, the actress who became
Bernstein’s wife (and later mother to
Alexander and his two siblings). Five
years ago some of the correspondence
between Lenny and Felicia was
published. It’s fascinating, touching and
deeply revealing. In one letter she tells
him: “You are a homosexual and may
never change — you don’t admit to the
possibility of a double life, but if your
peace of mind, your health, your whole
nervous system depend on a certain
sexual pattern, what can you do?”
She must have been remarkably
understanding. “My mother was an
amazing woman,” Alexander replies.
“That’s not to say she was always
happy about my father’s homosexual
affairs. I never saw them fighting, but
I’m sure there were some pretty
unpleasant moments. When he left
her — for a while he lived with his
lover, Tom Cothran [a classical music
radio producer] — that was very
painful for her. However, he realised
he couldn’t do without her, so he did
come back. The truth is they loved
each other enormously.”
the times | Friday March 9 2018
5
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COVER: GETTY IMAGES. BELOW: REX/SHUTTERSTOCK; AP; JANE HOBSON; ZUMA PRESS/EYEVINE; GETTY IMAGES
cover story
Bernstein is kissed by one of the cast off a 1980 revival of West Side Story
By the time he came back, though,
Felicia was dying of cancer. “Yes,”
Alexander says. “He was utterly
inconsolable for months and months
after she died in 1978. He started
drinking more and taking pills to sleep
— which meant that he also had to
take pills to wake up. So there were
these horrible cycles of dependency.
He also hated getting older and that
made him even crankier.”
That must have been hard for the
children, who were then in their early
twenties. “We were always hoping
we would get our regular daddy back,
and that he wouldn’t have a fit of
anger,” Alexander says. “Also, he
started conducting more abroad, the
entourage around him grew larger and
larger, and he became more and more
of an industry. That was hard for him
to handle. One day I remember him
shouting, ‘I hate Leonard Bernstein!’ ”
Does that explain why, although he
kept on composing all his life, he never
fully recaptured the glorious freeflowing lyricism of his 1950s and 1960s
heyday? “As his conducting schedule
got more and more crowded he did try
to block out three months or so each
year for composing,” Alexander says,
“but of course that put a tremendous
pressure on him. He was in effect
saying to himself, ‘Right, sit down now
and write something magnificent and
important.’ Having been surrounded
by people and adulation during his
conducting months, he was now
alone with this mountain of selfexpectation and that was very
difficult for him.”
Particularly since he was such a
gregarious individual. “Absolutely,”
Alexander agrees. “My sister Jamie
always says that our father wanted
to meet everyone on the planet.
He hated to be alone and once said
he found it impossible to enjoy a
sunset by himself. He had to share
everything. He answered every single
letter that was written to him and it
took ages to get him out of a concert
hall after a concert because
hundreds of people would come
backstage and he would chat to
every one of them.
“You could say that, whether
as a conductor, composer or
when doing his famous televised
Harvard lectures on music, every
aspect of his work was about
sharing. That’s one of the things
we want to celebrate this year.
Especially with so much craziness
going on in the world, and in my
country in particular. We wanted
to remember not just his musical
achievements, but also his
humanitarian and educational work,
his ability to build bridges, rather than
walls, between people and between
different disciplines and genres.”
Bernstein was certainly one of 20thcentury America’s great social activists.
What triggered it? “He was massively
affected by the dropping of the
bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki,”
Alexander says. “I don’t think he ever
got over that, or the Holocaust. After
that he became passionate about one
thing after another.”
No arguing with that. The civil rights
movement, nuclear disarmament, gay
rights, the Aids crisis — there was
hardly a liberal crusade from 1940 to
1990 that Bernstein didn’t publicly
espouse. Naturally, when the Berlin
Wall fell in 1989 it had to be him —
rather than any German conductor —
who led a celebratory performance of
Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony in the
city. And it was his idea to change
Freude to Freiheit, so that Schiller’s
Ode to Joy became an Ode to Freedom.
The play on words became almost as
famous as the “Ich bin ein Berliner”
speech delivered in the same city
26 years earlier by Bernstein’s great
chum John F Kennedy.
Such gestures sometimes left him
open to ridicule. And that ridicule was
never more viciously honed than by
the writer Tom Wolfe, then a young
journalist working for New York
magazine. In 1970 Felicia organised a
party at the Bernsteins’ Manhattan
apartment to raise money for the
defence of the Black Panthers, who
were then regarded with revulsion
by the American government and
right-wing press. In his long article,
memorably titled Radical Chic: That
Party at Lenny’s, Wolfe lampooned
what he saw as the absurd political
posturing of rich arty liberals such
as the Bernsteins.
“I would urge you to read my
sister’s riposte to Tom Wolfe,”
Alexander says, loyally. “It’s online.
That fundraiser was arranged by
my mother because several Black
Panthers were being held on
trumped-up charges and they really
needed bail money, which they
weren’t allowed to get. They were
freed within a week because there
was no evidence against them. It
was pretty ugly that Wolfe made
such cruel sport out of my mother’s
kindness. And it was definitely her
event, not “that party at Lenny’s”.
My father just happened to drop
in after a rehearsal.”
It wasn’t just social activism,
however, that agitated Bernstein
throughout his life. Religion was
also an enormous cause of angst.
Mass, the hugely ambitious 1971
music-theatre work being staged at
the Royal Festival Hall in London next
month, is the piece in which he most
directly tackled his crisis of faith. That
eclectic piece, too, has been mocked.
Paul Griffiths, the former chief
music critic of this newspaper,
memorably called it “a sort of Kiss Me,
Kierkegaard”. How would Alexander
describe his father’s beliefs? Jewish?
Lapsed? Atheist? Agnostic? Humanist?
“All of that,” Alexander replies. “And
don’t forget that my mother came
from Costa Rican aristocracy and was
schooled in a convent, so our family
had a large splash of Catholicism as
well. She was lapsed, but when she
died she did ask for the last rites.
So we had very unreligious, but very
jolly Christmases. On the other side,
though, my father really knew his
Hebrew. His father had been a very
Orthodox Jew.”
So did Lenny go to synagogue?
“Oh yes. Not every week, but every
Yom Kippur he and I would go what
he called shul-hopping. We would
attend five or six temples all round
Manhattan, timing our arrivals so that
he could hear the cantors he liked.”
He wanted to
meet everyone
on the planet. He
hated to be alone
And did he end his life as a believer
or an atheist? “Probably a combination
of both, as his whole life had been,”
Alexander replies. “His personality
had many so complexities and
conflicts in it and he constantly asked
questions about the meaning of life,
right up to his last moment. His dying
words, actually, were, ‘What is this?’
His art asks question too — questions
that don’t necessarily lead to answers,
only more questions.”
Growing up with him, in the shadow
of such an overwhelming personality,
must have been challenging at times.
“There were certainly shadowy times,”
Alexander replies, “but mostly he gave
off light, so it was like being in this
incredibly powerful beam.”
One abiding memory? “The moment
he finished orchestrating his Kaddish
Symphony. He came bounding out of
his studio in Connecticut waving the
manuscript in the air. Then he threw it
on the lawn and jumped into the pool
with all his clothes on. And my mother
did as well. A moment of total joy.”
6
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
arts
Richard Morrison the arts column
Save Venice by refusing to visit this tragic theme park
T
o proclaim “Venice in
peril” is hardly news.
The fundraising
charity with that name
has been going for
more than 50 years. In
peril from what,
though? The force of
nature or the tramp of humanity?
Rising sea levels (and sinking medieval
foundations) or an onslaught of mass
tourism that has crushed the city’s
heart and soul?
Old questions, but they have been
asked afresh, and provocatively, by the
art historian Salvatore Settis. He has
been in London addressing Venice in
Peril supporters (you can hear his fine
lecture on the organisation’s website)
and underlining the themes of his
book If Venice Dies, which is published
this month by Pallas Athene.
It’s comforting that Settis puts “if”
and not “when” in his title, but that’s
the only shred of optimism he offers.
La Serenissima, he points out, is
now a carcass of a city. It has no
raison d’être except to service the
cruise-ship industry, disgorging 30,000
day-trippers each morning to turn
St Mark’s Square into a human traffic
jam. At any time the ratio of tourists to
Venetians in the centre is about 140:1.
Indeed, the number of permanent
residents in the ancient city, down
from 175,000 in 1951 to 55,000, is
smaller than it was after the city was
ravaged by plague in 1348. And nearly
all of the present population survive
by being (in Settis’s words) “shackled”
to the “tourist monoculture”.
Most Venetians have been priced
out. The city has 2,400 hotels, many in
buildings that once held apartments.
The apartments that survive have
been snapped up by rich outsiders as
second or third homes. Banished too
are Venice’s traditional maritime and
craft industries. Young people with
ambition and talent are abandoning a
sinking ship. It’s not a thriving place.
And that’s before you factor in the
threat from nature, with the water
level in the lagoon 23cm higher than a
century ago. The much discussed, but
endlessly delayed MOSE flood barrier
is scheduled for completion (11 years
late) in 2022 and will cost at least
three times its original estimate — not
least because, according to Settis, as
much as €2 billion of its budget may
have been siphoned off by corruption.
AFP/GETTY IMAGES
Even if it is finished by then, there is
much scepticism about whether its
mechanism, already corroded by
mould and mussels, will work.
The Italians aren’t turning a blind
eye to this. The trouble is that
attempts to mitigate against the
grosser effects of mass tourism (such
as last year’s ban on new fast-food
outlets) risk killing the goose that lays
the only golden egg left in town. Many
of Venice’s institutions are already in a
desperate financial state. Two banks
had to be bailed out by the Italian
government last year and the city
council has come close to bankruptcy.
If it were any other place the world
might shrug and turn away. Cities rise
and fall; always have done. Venice,
however, occupies a special place in
western civilisation. From Monteverdi
and Vivaldi to Verdi, Britten and
Stravinsky, it has been the birthplace
of many of the greatest operas. Its
The ratio of
tourists to
Venetians in the
centre is 140:1
Even
Mozart
needed a
rewrite
One of the biggest
thrills of my career —
sad hack that I am —
was being allowed
to hold a Mozart
manuscript in my bare
hands. Well, it was
1986; conservation
standards were laxer
then. I touched the ink
that had flown from
Mozart’s quill and
hoped that it might
magically imbue my
fingers with the power
to get through his
Rondo alla turca on
the piano without
turning it into a train
crash. Fat chance.
This week I turned
over those same pages,
digitally this time,
thanks to the British
Library which has put
its Mozart holdings
online. The
manuscript I perused
again was Mozart’s
thematic catalogue, in
which he jotted down
the title, date and
opening bars of every
piece he wrote.
The catalogue is
part of an amazing
collection of 180
musical and literary
manuscripts donated
to the British Library
by the heirs of the
writer Stefan Zweig.
He had a particular
passion for collecting
documents that
displayed the “second
thoughts” of great
creative minds.
The startling thing
about the Mozart
manuscripts is that
they show, contrary
to what Peter Shaffer
tells you in Amadeus,
that even this
supremely confident
genius didn’t get
things right first time.
In fact, there are
numerous corrections
and rewritings.
Good. I don’t feel
so bad now about
rewriting the Rondo
alla turca each time
I try to play it.
Piazza San Marco
during the floods of
December 2008
sublime waterfronts have inspired
artists and film-makers from Canaletto
to Visconti. Thomas Mann and many
other writers found melancholic
inspiration in its unique mix of
shimmering beauty and distressed
fragility. Time and again it has stood
as a metaphor for human existence.
That is why millions of people care
about its fate. Unfortunately, it seems
that the kindest thing we can do is
also the cruellest: stay away, let the
tourist trade wither and hope that the
city reinvents itself as a living,
breathing entity where young people
can see a future doing real jobs.
Settis’s book goes a lot farther. He
sees Venice as a symbol of our era’s
lamentable tendency to reduce every
great cultural site to the level of a
theme park. We use them as
background for our selfies, tick them
off our lists, then promptly leave
without scratching the surface of their
profound mysteries. Hmm, let’s discuss
that grandiose thesis another day. We
need to save Venice first.
Preview screening: Love, Simon
EXC LU S IVE
R E WA R D S F O R
SUBSCRIBERS
Everyone deserves a great love story. But for seventeen-year old Simon Spier
it’s a little more complicated. Love, Simon (cert 12A) is a funny and heartfelt
coming-of-age story, it will be in cinemas on Friday April 6 but subscribers
can see it first and free on Thursday, March 15.
Book tickets today at mytimesplus.co.uk
© 2018 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved. This Times+ event is open to UK subscribers only. For full terms and conditions, visit mytimesplus.co.uk
the times | Friday March 9 2018
7
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arts
THE
CRITICS
Ed Potton
is appalled by Walk Like a Panther p8
Will Hodgkinson
finds David Byrne lacklustre p10
Nancy Durrant
swoons over painted magnificence p12
Noir as you’ve never seen it
Doman), to find the missing girl, Nina
(Ekaterina Samsonov), and, yes, this
leads him into a brownstone filled with
doped-up pre-teens and middle-aged
perverts (enter the ball hammer). Yet
along the way Joe plies himself with
pills, sticks a knife down his throat and
suffers from flashbacks of children
murdering each other in Iraq and the
bodies of dead Chinese immigrants
piled up in the back of a freezer truck
and trapped in a tableau of horror.
Early in the book Ames, describing
Joe’s mental state, writes: “All day long,
every few minutes, he’d think, ‘I have
the big film
Lynne Ramsay’s
story of a tortured
paedophile hunter
is original and
utterly thrilling,
says Kevin Maher
A
warning. Despite
everything you hear
and read about
Lynne Ramsay’s You
Were Never Really
Here, it is not that
movie. It is not, for
instance, a bracing
psycho-thriller about a former FBI
agent (and Iraq war veteran) called Joe
who is hired to rescue a senator’s
daughter from the clutches of a
powerful paedophile ring. It is not a
revenge movie, in the grand tradition
of films from Taxi Driver to Taken,
about a lethal and taciturn loner
kicking serious ass on the mean city
streets with nothing but his wits, some
hidden weaponry and a passionate set
of principles on his side. And it is not
a sombre meditation on masculinity
in crisis featuring the greatest
performance in his career to date
from Joaquin Phoenix.
Well, it is, of course, all of these
things, yet it’s also none of them. It is,
instead, a film that uses these familiar
ideas (the revenge movie, the action
flick, the tour-de-force performance)
as building blocks towards something
far more disturbing — existential
terror and the suggestion that for all of
us it lies just round the corner.
On the surface, on paper at least,
everything is hunky-dory. Ramsay,
who adapted Lionel Shriver’s We Need
to Talk About Kevin into an abstract,
non-chronological head-wrecker, here
classic
film
of the
week
It helps, of
course, that
Phoenix is on
career-high form
Joaquin Phoenix as Joe and Ekaterina Samsonov as Nina in You Were Never Really Here
turns her attention to a muscular 2013
novella by the New Yorker Jonathan
Ames. That book, also called You Were
Never Really Here, is very noir, very
hard-boiled, and features plenty of
backstory about the paedo-busting
Joe, some lovely and informative
digressions about the number of
deviant millionaires in Manhattan and
a rousing climax that could have come
straight from Dirty Harry. It was ripe,
in other words, for the movies. All we
need is Liam Neeson, a couple of car
chases and we’re away.
Yet Ramsay, thankfully, has other
ideas. Within seconds of the opening
sequence (audio dissonance, the play
of light under water, an ominous sense
of dread) we cut to a screaming close-
The Barefoot
Contessa (1954)
PG, 128min
{{{{(
T
You Were Never
Really Here
15, 90min
{{{{{
Action! Join
our film club
For the latest news,
interviews, reviews and
discussion with our
film critics sign up to
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his wildly glamorous
follow-up to All About Eve
from the writer-director
Joseph L Mankiewicz is
another Hollywood exposé,
but a much darker, tougher film.
It’s based, partially, on the life of
Rita Hayworth (who married Prince
Aly Khan), but resonates more deeply
as a premonition of Grace Kelly’s
tragic future, telling the story of a
humble dancer, Maria Vargas (Ava
Gardner, struggling with a Spanish
up of Phoenix, as Joe, with a plastic
bag over his head, suffocating himself.
And cut again, to a child being abused,
also suffocated. A tiny voice pleads: “I
need to do better, sir.” More noise.
More screaming. Abuse. Anger. Chaos.
And a seedy motel room where Joe,
not suffocating now (the movie defies
you to care about chronology), is
cleaning the blood from a ball
hammer, his weapon of choice when
pulverising the skulls of paedophiles.
If you’re still with the movie after
the first ten minutes you’re probably
with it for the long haul (and possibly
for life — it lingers). It leaps about,
dancing along a well-worn noir
template, but only just. Yes, Joe is
hired by his handler, McCleary (John
to kill myself.’ ” It’s a violent sentiment
that punches through every startling
frame of Ramsay’s film. And although
Hollywood action movies regularly
claim that their macho protagonists
are suffering from PTSD, there has
rarely been a screen depiction of a
mind so fractured and burdened by
trauma as this terrifying, sympathetic
and mesmerising Joe. It’s a film that
moves beyond character and into life.
It helps, of course, that Phoenix is
on career-high form. Bulky, bloated
and bearded, with his deep-set eyes on
fire like two burning wounds, he
commands entire scenes with eerie
looks alone. Don’t despair, there are
moments of lightness and they arrive
as blessed relief. When Joe shoots a
hitman in his kitchen, he lies on the
floor beside him, pops a painkiller,
holds his hand, and the pair briefly
sing a croaky falsetto version of I’ve
Never Been to Me by Charlene.
Men have been telling this same
screen story for a century (or certainly
since the crime movies of the 1930s),
but it has required a woman to make it
entirely new.
accent), whose world is thrown into
turmoil by Hollywood fame and
marriage to foreign nobility.
Humphrey Bogart, left, with
Gardner, typically, steals the show as
the movie director and recovering
alcoholic who discovers Maria. When
she asks him what he does, he sighs
and says: “Oh, I’m not important. I just
write the film and direct it.” Brilliant.
Kevin Maher
Released on Blu-ray and DVD
on March 12
8
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
film reviews
Struck down in
the first round
This wrestling
comedy can’t stand
up to its poor gags
and weak plotting,
says Ed Potton
W
alk Like a
Panther
opens with
a quote,
supposedly
from Frank
Sinatra:
“British
wrestling is the best entertainment in
the world.” That’s as may be, Ol’ Blue
Eyes, but this film about it sure ain’t.
Dan Cadan’s tale of ageing grapplers
coming out of retirement is a car crash
of half-baked gags, cut-and-paste
plotting and a cast imbued with a
vacant lethargy, as if they’ve gone six
rounds with Giant Haystacks. Most
distressing is the sight of Julian Sands,
beautiful George from A Room With a
View, aged 60, in gold lamé pants.
This is the kind of parochial Brit
flick done many times before, and
usually better. It has the feel of a Half
Monty, or a rusty Brassed Off, as the
Sweet Country
15, 113min
{{{{(
Don’t let the title fool you, this corner
of the outback is anything but sweet.
Set in the Northern Territory of the
1920s, Warwick Thornton’s film
focuses on Sam Kelly (Hamilton
Morris), an Aboriginal farmhand
working for the pious Fred Smith
(Sam Neill). While Fred treats Sam
and his wife with respect, another
tone zigzags between try-hard comedy
and sentimental sludge. Stephen
Graham stars as Mark Bolton, a
middle-aged wannabe wrestler whose
dream to join Big Daddy et al was
crushed in the 1980s.
Bolton now works at the Half
Nelson pub in his unnamed northern
village (the film was shot in Marsden
in West Yorkshire, where Cadan grew
up, but the dominant accent seems to
be Merseyside). But the pub is
threatened with closure by a villain
from the brewery, played by an
egregiously overacting Stephen
Tompkinson.
It’s time, in case you hadn’t guessed,
for Bolton to round up his old gang of
wrestlers, squeeze themselves into
garish Lycra and put on a bodyslamming fundraiser. The sidesplitting joke is that some of his
former colleagues now do really
unmacho jobs. One is a cross-dressing
singer, two more drive an ice-cream
van and a fourth runs a gladiatorthemed hairdresser’s whose name,
Spartacuts (“Hail Scissor!”), is pretty
much the only funny thing in the film.
The wrestling scenes certainly fall
flat and the dialogue — characters
confuse bonsai with sensei — is worse.
An extended sequence in which a
wrestler has his injured testicles
fanned by two minions is considerably
more painful for us.
Walk Like a
Panther
12A, 108min
{((((
Above: Dave Johns in
Walk Like a Panther.
Below: Sam Neill in
Sweet Country
white landowner (Ewen Leslie) refers
to them as “black stock” and backs
up his harsh words with harsher
deeds. An escalation of violence
leads to a manhunt and, if the
conclusion feels inevitable, the
journey is engrossing.
Yes, it’s often grim, with silent
flashbacks and flashforwards
adding an air of uneasy fatalism.
That’s leavened, though, by
flashes of comedy and
compassion, and the scorched
landscapes are gorgeous. EP
TATE ST IVE S
10 FEB – 29 APR 2018
VIRGINIA WOOLF
AN E XHIBITION INSPIRED BY HER WRITINGS
Media Partner
Dora Carrington
Spanish Landscape with Mountains c.1924 (detail)
Tate
Walk Like a Panther is the directorial
debut of Cadan, who cut his teeth as a
runner and assistant on Guy Ritchie’s
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
and Snatch. Cadan can’t resist
employing his former boss’s signature
move, the freeze frame, and one of
Ritchie’s go-to actors, Jason Flemyng,
who rocks a Catweazle beard as the
local wrestling hero whose death
inspires the reunion.
You feel sorry for Graham, a fine
actor who was the best thing about
This Is England and made a chilling
Al Capone in Boardwalk Empire. Here,
subtlety is left at the door as he is
called upon to mug outrageously and
roar at the most minor triumphs. Walk
down the street? Raargh! Do some
press-ups? Raargh! Step into the ring?
Double raargh!
You feel even sorrier for Sands, who
looks as if he has stumbled into the
wrong film. Yes, his character is meant
to be confused, the gormless apex of a
love triangle. How cruel, though, to
inflict on him a cowboy-themed ring
costume, heavy on the gold and
tassels, light on the dignity.
Such ridiculousness should be funny,
but it’s not, possibly because the world
it’s lampooning was so laughable in
the first place. Best entertainment in
the world? This isn’t even the best
entertainment in Marsden.
The Divine
Order
12A, 96min
{{{((
This comedy drama about Swiss
women campaigning for the vote in
1971 couldn’t have been better timed
in the wake of #MeToo. Marie
Leuenberger plays Nora, a woman in a
provincial town who is not only barred
from voting, but from getting a job
without her husband’s say-so. The
looming referendum on women’s
suffrage gets her wondering if
“feminine influence” is a good enough
substitute for, you know, democracy.
It’s a light concoction, an alpine
Made in Dagenham, and Nora’s
transformation from doormat to
radical is overplayed at times. Yet even
in the less subtle scenes Leuenberger
makes the path to political and sexual
emancipation engaging. There’s a
funny sequence in which a hippy gets
Nora and friends to shout “clitoris”
and shows them a chart of different
vaginas named after animals: tiger,
squirrel, hedgehog . . .
We know the ending (Switzerland
gave women the vote, one of the last
European countries to do so), but this is
a warm telling of a neglected story. EP
the times | Friday March 9 2018
9
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film reviews
Winslet
is wheely
a wonder
Bombshell: The
Hedy Lamarr
Story
12A, 88min
{{(((
Hedy Lamarr, the Austrian-born
actress and star of the 1949 film
Samson and Delilah, is given the
straight-faced treatment in a
documentary that gambles
everything on the former poster
girl’s famous sideline — she was
also an inventor.
If you are unaware of this fact
(“She was an inventor, right?” says
Mel Brooks, one of the interviewees),
then the accounts of her “inventing
room”, supplied by Howard Hughes,
and her experiments with radio
communication technology will
amaze and satisfy in equal measure.
If Lamarr’s story, however, is even
vaguely familiar to you (made nude
flick, was brainy, did inventions,
made glamour flicks, stayed brainy,
had lots of plastic surgery, died) then
this will be a rather ho-hum trawl.
Step forward, talking heads, archive
clips, film experts and friends and
relatives. Done. KM
The actress shines
in Woody Allen’s
latest film, set in
1950s Brooklyn,
says Kevin Maher
Wonder Wheel
12A, 101min
K
{{{{(
ate Winslet delivers
an incendiary
performance (easily
her best since 2008 in
The Reader) in this
Fifties-set melodrama
about an actress
turned clam-house
waitress whose life is upended by the
arrival of her disaster-prone
stepdaughter.
Winslet is the downbeat, dyspeptic
Ginny, who is on the verge of 40, is
married to a schlubby former
alcoholic called Humpty (Jim
Belushi) and lives with her
pyromaniac son Richie (Jack
Gore) in the heart of
Coney Island amusement
park in Brooklyn, New
York. Their cramped
apartment “used to
house a freak show”,
she says wryly.
Ginny’s domestic life is
strained. Her arguments
with Humpty are
constant. And the early
scenes — long and
abrasive dialogue
exchanges inside the
apartment — are lit with a
sickly orange glow by the master
cinematographer Vittorio Storaro
(Apocalypse Now, The Sheltering
Mom and Dad
15, 86min
Left: Kate Winslet in Woody Allen’s Wonder Wheel and, above, Juno Temple
{{(((
Sky) and recall the poisonous domestic
battles in the plays of Eugene O’Neill
(who is referenced several times).
Ginny’s only distraction is a
tawdry love affair with the local
lifeguard and wannabe
intellectual Mickey, played
by an unblinking,
blank-faced Justin
Timberlake. Mickey is
supposed to be a
conceited dilettante
(“As a poet, I use
symbols,” he announces
grandly) and a bit of a
jerk, so Timberlake’s
alienating turn is
oddly appropriate
(although you would
like to think it was
deliberate).
His scenes
d
with Winslet flatter her madly and
only serve to remind us that she is
one of the strongest screen
actors working today.
The director of the high-octane action
thriller Crank, Brian Taylor, turns his
attention to exploitation horror with
a movie that squanders an initially
intriguing premise for the chance to
watch a hysterically overwrought
Nicolas Cage archly bellow buttonpushing lines such as: “Your
motherf***ing mother said open
the motherf***ing door!”
The early social satire is
briefly compelling. A virus, or a
psychosomatic psychosis (it’s never
made clear) is turning all parents
against their children and, apparently,
with justifiable cause. “I was going to
grab the world by the balls,” says
Cage’s Middle American loser dad,
Brent, bemoaning the personal and
financial cost of modern parenting
before chasing his kids into the cellar
with a chainsaw.
The “joke” soon wears thin,
however, and the film, with few actual
ideas to express, resorts to slapdash
plotting and dead-end gore. KM
Ginny’s glamorous stepdaughter,
Carolina (Juno Temple), inevitably
comes crashing into view and, with
echoes of Mildred Pierce (another
smart Winslet project), cruelly snuffs
out Ginny’s few remaining aspirations.
Carolina is fleeing the mob and,
crucially, almost instantly, inflames the
amorous desires of Mickey, who is
happy to exchange the complex and
careworn older woman for a newer,
streamlined model.
It’s not going to end well, but before
it does end, the film allows Ginny a
heartbreaking face-off with Carolina
where she repeats the question, like a
desperate mantra: “Did he take your
hand?” It’s brilliant writing and a
flawless performance.
The film is written and directed by
Woody Allen. In 1993 he was accused
of molesting his adopted daughter,
Dylan Farrow. He denied the
accusations and was never prosecuted.
Should you go and see it? Over to you.
Gringo
Mute
Veronica
15, 110min
15, 126min
105min
David Oyelowo does sterling
work here playing Harold Soyinka,
a Nigerian-born, American-based
businessman, in a film that might
easily have been labelled
sub-Tarantino trash were it not for
the winning efforts of the Selma star.
Soyinka is a straight-arrow
pen-pusher who is sent by his crooked
bosses (Charlize Theron and Joel
Edgerton) to seal a deal on a crackpot
business trip to Mexico that will
inevitably involve ruthless cartel
mobsters, summary executions,
double-crossing cops and an optimistic
liaison with Amanda Seyfried’s Sunny
(it’s in the name).
Directed by Nash Edgerton, the
brother of Joel, this is a film that
has much that’s very, often wearily,
This ineffably poor sci-fi mishmash
from Duncan Jones (Moon) is set in
Berlin in 2052 and is showing on
Netflix. Leo (Alexander Skarsgard), a
mute Amish barman-carpenter (if only
it were as funny as that sounds), is
desperately searching for his missing
ex-prostitute girlfriend, Naadirah
(Seyneb Saleh), and inevitably winds
up in a gritty Blade Runner-style
cyberpunk underworld featuring Paul
Rudd and Justin Theroux as a pair of
illegal, bickering, after-hours surgeons.
It is plotless, shapeless, overlong and
badly acted. (Skarsgard’s Leo has two
expressions: “Huh?” and “Grrrrrr.”) As
a production project it was, apparently,
stuck in “development hell” for more
than a decade. Some things happen for
a reason. KM
Online buzz suggested that this
Spanish horror might arrest the run
of iffy Netflix movies. Sadly, it doesn’t.
Set in Nineties Madrid and directed
by Paco Plaza, the man behind the
excellent [Rec], it starts promisingly.
An eerily intense Sandra Escacena
plays 15-year-old Veronica, who has to
look after her three siblings while their
mother works all hours in a café.
After roping her friends into a ouijaboard seance with her father, things
start to get weird: shadowy figures;
her dead dad in the nude; a blind nun;
and, less scarily, stains on mattresses.
Yet the early momentum is soon
lost, the framing device of a detective
investigation robs the story of its
nuance and the finale is neither
terrifying nor particularly original. EP
{{{((
{((((
David Oyelowo gets laughs in Gringo
familiar — backstabbing, one-liners,
violent shootouts. However, they are
buttressed by a sweet and fabulously
humorous turn from Oyelowo,
who is frequently cast (miscast?)
as modern-day saints (see Queen of
Katwe, A United Kingdom). A new
world of comedy awaits. KM
{{(((
Paul Rudd as a surgeon
in Duncan Jones’s new
sci-fi film, Mute
10
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
music reviews
Surely Utopia should be fun?
JODY ROGAC; MARC SHARRATT/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK
album. Doing the Right Thing has
an attractive air of uncertainty
accompanying Byrne’s description
of his own middle-class constrictions:
“She picks out some arts and crafts,
I’m deep into the local cuisine.” Its
mid-song shift from pretty ballad to
electronic disco stomper comes as a
great surprise, as does the jerky new
wave of Everybody’s Coming to My
House, co-written with his fellow
pop cerebral Brian Eno. This is David
Byrne at his best: uplifting, original
and fun. Elsewhere American Utopia
just sounds like David Byrne saying
and doing the right thing.
Celebrated oddball
David Byrne seems
to have forgotten
what made him
interesting, says
Will Hodgkinson
pop
David Byrne
American Utopia
I
Nonesuch
Young Fathers
Cocoa Sugar
{{(((
n what is, even for David Byrne,
an overwhelmingly David
Byrneian gesture, the former
singer of Talking Heads has been
promoting his new album with
a lecture tour called Reasons to
be Cheerful. Included on his list
of joy are the success of bikesharing schemes, the profitability of
wind power and Norwegian prison
reform. Focus on the positive, Byrne
is saying, and we can build a better
world. That admirable message runs
through American Utopia, an album
he recently apologised for, because
he made it without collaborating with
any women. While all this conforms to
prevailing ethical standards, it doesn’t
make for a very interesting listen.
Byrne is loved for his freewheeling
oddness. This is the man who brought
songs about murderous maniacs
(Psycho Killer) and sperm (Creatures
of Love) into the pop arena with
Talking Heads, wrote an operetta
about Imelda Marcos and eschewed
the usual kiss-and-tell memoir for the
catchily titled Envisioning Emotional
Epistemological Information, a
celebration of Powerpoint. That’s
why it is so frustrating that American
Utopia wears its oddness, which is
quirky rather than cutting-edge, on its
sleeve. Underneath is a humourless
and hectoring tone on songs that,
Ninja Tune
{{{((
Heads up: David Byrne, whose new album American Utopia is uncharacteristically dull
given the brilliance of Byrne’s past
material, are surprisingly forgettable.
Everyday is a Miracle is a case in
point. As Byrne’s voice strains to hit
the notes in a nasty cod-Caribbean
chorus he tells us we’ve “got to sing for
our supper, love one another”, and you
can imagine a groovy primary school
teacher leading children through this
cheery ditty at an end-of-term pageant.
“A cockroach might eat the Mona Lisa,
the pope don’t mean shit to a dog,” he
informs us, statements too bald and
devoid of poetry to be profound.
An overwhelmingly clean
production, reminiscent of the 1980s
soft rockers Toto, sands over any spark
that Gasoline and Dirty Sheets might
once have had, while Dog’s Mind
pictures a scene where “the press
boys thank the president and he tells
them what to say”. At a time when so
much of the press have been robustly
resistant to saying what the president
wants them to say, this isn’t a very
prescient observation.
Strangely, the best songs are
hidden towards the end of the
Gloria
Oidophon Echorama
Judas Priest
Firepower
Ample Play Records
Sony
Jimi Hendrix
Both Sides of the Sky
{{{{(
{{{{(
{{{((
Gloria, a mysterious French band
— three women and three men from
Lyons — take the best aspects of 1960s
music and sprinkle them with Gallic
charm. The Rain Is Out is a psychedelic
epic with great lost-in-translation
lyrics: “You try and do the twist, now
you’ve gone and taken my wrist.”
Elsewhere there is a sinister tale of
feline misadventure called Bad Cat and
a blast of sunshine pop called Heavy.
As to how Gloria came up with this
beguiling yet unapologetically
backward-looking sound, they reveal
all on the sweet, folky ballad Gloria’s
Recipe. Take three young singers,
season to taste, wait until the moon is
full, then send them out on the road.
They make it sound so easy.
Firepower shows the leather-clad
West Bromwich rockers in ferocious
form after 50 years in the game.
The title track blasts it all off with
apocalyptic drums, screams of rage
from Rob Halford and an ultra-fiddly
guitar solo in the middle. From there
the energy doesn’t let up, running
through a Black Sabbath-style riff on
Children of the Sun and sinking into a
molten slab of doom on Lone Wolf.
Despite an avowed political bent,
the lyrics remain reassuringly
fantastical. The condemned man
awaits his execution on Traitor’s Gate,
while a wicked magician raises the
dead on Necromancer. Forget yoga.
On the strength of Firepower, headbanging is the only way to stay young.
Its oddness
is quirky
rather than
cuttingedge
The mysterious
French band Gloria
After two collections of experimental,
high-minded hip-hop, the Mercury
prizewinning Edinburgh trio have
tried to loosen up and go mainstream,
but Cocoa Sugar won’t be giving
Ed Sheeran sleepless nights.
Only the piano gospel of Lord heads
towards emotionally manipulative pop,
and even then Young Fathers have
stuck a load of distortion over the top.
Actually, the trio’s ability to create
music that doesn’t fit in anywhere
brings its own reward.
Fee Fi is a bizarre and slightly
sinister playground chant, Wow
combines Kraftwerk’s driving beat
with a sarcastic rap about everything
being so amazing, and Border Girl
— could this be hip-hop’s first homage
to the land between Scotland and
England? — makes a lovely tune out
of musique concrète-style chunks
of noise.
OK, so this isn’t a particularly easy
album, but it is unsettling, fascinating
and original.
Legacy
This collection is culled from music
recorded after Electric Ladyland
(1968) and dominated by the Band
of Gypsys line-up of Buddy Miles
and Billy Cox. Consisting mostly of
alternate takes and jams, there are
some gems among the familiar: an
organ-led version of Joni Mitchell’s
Woodstock with Stephen Stills on
vocals, and Hendrix’s funky take on
Muddy Waters’s Mannish Boy.
The engineer Eddie Kramer has
done a good job of putting it together
and the dynamism of the greatest
electric guitarist of all crackles through
each note, but much of this is out there
and some tracks sound like studio jams
rather than finished pieces. One for
Hendrix completists.
Jimi
Hendrix
the times | Friday March 9 2018
11
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music
What we’ll
miss about
the NME
Catherine Nixey
Radio
The Walk
panoply.fm
{((((
A
Will Hodgkinson on the heyday of the
music paper as its print edition closes
T
he NME was, for so
many of us, a teenage
portal into another,
impossibly exciting
world. To grow up in
British suburbia in the
1980s and read about
the Jesus and Mary
Chain performing 20-minute concerts
that ended in riots was to have hope
for the future. At its best the NME was
as illuminating as it was funny — the
preposterous praise and vitriol piled
on any given artist from week to week,
the introduction to underground
figures such as William Burroughs and
Charles Bukowski, even the ads for
concerts by quickly forgotten bands.
And the NME was the original home
for a now-familiar figure, the keyboard
warrior: shy, unimpressive men and
women who could let rip under the
cover of ink. Here’s what I’ll miss.
The hilarious interviews
Golden-era journalists such as Charles
Shaar Murray and Tony Parsons boast
of the access they would have — the
latter recalls going into a photobooth to
share a wrap of speed with the Clash
— but the best reads came from
sit-down encounters. A classic was
the “pop summit” of 1989 with Shane
MacGowan of the Pogues, Mark E
Smith of the Fall and Nick Cave of the
Bad Seeds in the Montague Arms in
New Cross, southeast London. “You’re
all a bunch of bastards,” MacGowan
told the journalist Sean O’Hagan,
while Smith accused Cave of
being a workshy Australian, a
failed psychiatrist and a bowel
movement. “I think you’re
encouraging Mark to be
like this,” said Cave, who
came across, incredibly, as
the voice of reason.
The biting-the-hand moments
There are many theories on why
the NME collapsed — the
internet, the death of music
tribalism — but I would put it at
the moment the paper lost its
nerve and became afraid, perhaps
through fear of scuppering access
and advertising, of putting the boot
in. Julie Burchill called Phil Collins,
a favourite victim of the NME, the
ugliest man since George Orwell.
Nick Kent dismissed Queen as “a
bucket of urine”, while Tony Tyler,
the editor of the gig guide, took great
joy in referring to Bryan Ferry as
“Bryan Ferrari” and “Biriyani Ferret”.
Paul Morley capped it all by giving
Hot by the reggae band the Equators
a one-word review: “Cold.”
The preposterous language
NME writers liked to break the rules
of syntax, grammar, even sense, to
best represent their bold opinions and
maverick genius. The master of this
was Steven Wells. Reviewing Daphne
& Celeste’s appearance at Reading
Festival, where the Nineties pop duo
were pelted with bottles, he wrote of
the audience: “Sorry, sad no-nobber
piss-flinging indie scum — you LOSE!
Ha! ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha!” And you
could always rely on the paper for
hyperbole. “Why New York’s Finest
Will Change Your Life — Forever!”
ran a 2001 cover line on the Strokes.
From top: Morrissey
on the cover of NME in
1988; Pat Boone on the
front of the 1957 annual
Morrissey v the NME
Morrissey long enjoyed a love/hate
relationship with the paper. The
Smiths were critical darlings so loved
by the NME that it was dubbed the
New Morrissey Express. Things took
a turn for the worse when Morrissey
went solo, got older and angrier
and started spouting some rather
unfortunate opinions. In a cover
interview in 2007 he was quoted
as saying: “The gates of England are
flooded. The country’s been thrown
away.” Morrissey cried foul, took out
legal proceedings, which got him an
apology from the NME, and even
accused the journalist, Tim Jonze,
of being “an endless fidget . . . with
a schoolgirl giggle”. Fair enough.
As every music hack knows, if you
give it out, you have to take it back.
s The Walk opens, you hear
the sound of a railway
station. It’s in chaos. Then a
panicked voice near you
says: “We’ve got to get out
of the station!” Rail travel can make us
all feel a bit like that.
This, however, has been caused by
something worse than snow. This is an
impending apocalypse, as heard on the
new “interactive” fiction podcast by
Naomi Alderman. Over 31 episodes
you, “the hero of the story”, must take
a package from Inverness to Edinburgh
and save the world.
The Walk has big hitters behind it.
Alderman has a huge following — her
novel The Power won the Baileys prize
in 2017. Panoply, the podcast network
that has remastered this (a version was
released in 2013), also offers cracking
programmes such as Slow Burn. The
biggest hitter of all, however, comes as
a surprise. This has been “created with
the NHS and Department of Health”.
Back in the station, the panic is
deepening. Someone has set off an
EMP, an electromagnetic pulse that’s
designed to kill anything that runs on
electricity. You know this because one
of the characters says that someone has
“set off an EMP, an electromagnetic
pulse that’s designed to kill anything
that runs on electricity!”
It’s just as well that the NHS is on
hand because the affliction that you,
the hero, are apparently suffering from
is muteness. “Do you want a Rolo?”
asks someone at one point. “I guess
not,” he continues. Even if you try to
answer, they won’t be able to hear you.
This is supposed to be “interactive”,
but a radio is as interactive as a rock.
Within The Walk the theory is that
all this is being caused by the Burn, a
shadowy organisation that is trying to
kill you. In the real world I suspect
that a less shadowy organisation called
the NHS may have a hand in this. Not
only is this called The Walk, you are
told that this is “best enjoyed . . . on a
walk”. As an attempt to get people
moving this is admirable. Nonetheless,
this isn’t drama. It’s exercise agitprop.
Deliciously chilling: the new baroque and roll
classical
This full-blooded
album leaves a
strong impression,
says Geoff Brown
Stéphane
Degout
Enfers
Harmonia Mundi
{{{{(
O
nce, opera recordings
generally featured standard
repertoire luxuriously cast
with Maria Callas and the
like. Economics and
shifting fashions have changed
that. Now we’re more likely to get
something like Enfers, a full-blooded,
idiosyncratic concept album created
from infernal slivers of baroque and
early classical French operas.
Devised by the French conductor
Raphaël Pichon for the eloquent
French baritone Stéphane Degout and
Pichon’s lively Pygmalion Ensemble,
the slivers are perversely grouped into
a format echoing the Catholic
Requiem Mass.
Yet it’s hard to keep thinking holy
thoughts as sepulchral gobbets of
Rameau and Gluck fly by, stocked
with the bloody residue of Greek
myths, ravaging Furies and a horrible
“monstre affreux”.
Helped by the recording’s acoustic,
everything here sounds deliciously
spine-chilling, from the growls
and twangs of Pygmalion’s
period instruments to Degout’s
throbbing anguish and the
passionate outpourings of
the French mezzo-soprano
Sylvie Brunet-Grupposo, in
for one track from Rameau’s
Hippolyte et Aricie.
This artful opera cut-up may
not satisfy repeated listenings, but
it leaves a strong first impression.
Two Decca releases, offspring of
Parnassus Arts Productions, an artist’s
agency dedicated to reviving littleknown operas, offer another sign of
the times. Both feature the Croatian
counter-tenor Max Emanuel Cencic
Baritone Stéphane
Degout with conductor
Raphaël Pichon
and the music of the Italian composer
Nicola Porpora, revived in time
for the 250th centenary of his death.
One offers an entire opera, Germanico
in Germania ({{{((), although
the musical jewels contained
within its 218 minutes must
be reached through acres of
hurried recitative, garnished
by a florid harpsichord.
There’s a burdensome plot too;
not an issue with Cencic’s Opera
Arias ({{{((), a companion
recital of 13 selections. Cencic’s
phrasing and breath control are
beyond admirable, although I wish
the voice’s basic colour didn’t suggest
a bottle of milk, with variety largely
derived from changes in volume.
Porpora’s gift for characterisation
pales beside Handel’s, but his vocal
fireworks bring modest delight.
12
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
visual art
Strike a pose!
This exhibition of extravagant full-length portraits
in Amsterdam is thrilling, reports Nancy Durrant.
There’s no better time to plan your art mini-break
Y
ou are, give or take, the
most powerful man in
Europe. You have a
politically useful wife
who, against the odds,
you actually like. You
have thousands of
fighting men at your
disposal to defend your lands, and
more huge jewels than you can possibly
wear at once (although you
will do your best).
And yet nothing breeds
status anxiety like status, and
besides, you deserve a treat,
what with having just brutally
crushed the French or the
Turks or whoever those guys
were. What, though, does the
man who has everything buy
the man who has everything?
Something beautiful?
Inspiring? A life-sized portrait,
say, of (who else) yourself?
Such are the massive egos
that lurk behind many of the
paintings in this fabulous new
exhibition at the
Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam.
Who do you have to be to
commission a slavish record
of yourself, from head to foot,
and at a scale of 1:1 (if not
slightly bigger) and then hang
it in your house? One answer
to this is that, in all but a few
cases, you have to be someone
who is outrageously rich.
As this — the first
exhibition anywhere to focus
on the life-size, full-length
standing portrait format —
shows, it has nearly always
been the preserve of the regal,
the powerful or the merely
stratospherically wealthy. On
the walls of these six rooms and
across 39 paintings (mostly loans, from
private collections and institutions such
as the Kunsthistorisches Museum in
Vienna, Tate, the National Gallery and
National Portrait Gallery, the Uffizi in
Florence and the Thyssen-Bornemisza
in Madrid), emperors and kings,
queens and countesses rub shoulders
with earls and colonels, politicians
and slave owners, Polynesian
islanders and gynaecologists.
Dr Pozzi at Home, 1881,
John Singer Sargent.
Right: Hercules and
Cacus, 1613, Hendrick
Goltzius. Above right:
Marten Soolmans,
1634, Rembrandt
High Society is at
the Rijksmuseum,
Amsterdam (00 31 20
6747 000), to June 3
The exhibition has been convened
to celebrate the joint acquisition by
the Rijksmuseum and the Louvre, in
2016, of a pair of pendant portraits by
Rembrandt van Rijn of a young man,
Marten Soolmans, and his wife,
Oopjen Coppit — two of only three
(and the only matching pair) in this
format out of the 92 portraits the artist
produced. Impressive when they were
bought for €160 million from
the Rothschild family, they
have since been cleaned and
are now absolutely dazzling.
More on them later.
The tradition of the life-size,
full-length standing portrait is
thought to have emerged in
Europe in the early 16th
century. The Rijksmuseum
has managed to borrow, from
Dresden, the earliest known
examples of the form: Lucas
Cranach the Elder’s 1514-15
pendant portraits of Henry
the Pious, Duke of Saxony,
and his wife Catherine,
Countess of Mecklenburg.
This bride and groom (so
identified by the jaunty
garland of red and white
carnations positioned about
Henry’s curly head), serve as a
sort of blueprint for most of
what follows over the next
400 years, until the early 20th
century (the First World War
pretty much put paid to this
sort of extravagance).
Cranach was one of the
most sought-after artists of
his age and he’s in good
company here. Velázquez,
Van Dyck, Frans Hals,
Gainsborough, Sargent,
Manet, Boldini, Reynolds,
Raeburn and, most surprisingly,
Munch, feature in this show.
Evidently the consensus among the
commissioners of these frighteningly
expensive works (Emile CarolusDuran, whose polished 1869 portrait of
his wife Pauline hangs here, charged
the equivalent of €133,500 for such a
work) was that if you’re going to do it,
you may as well do it properly.
The sheer magnificence on display is
breathtaking. Stance was important.
Anyone familiar with the hand-on-hip,
one-leg-forward position, adopted by
female celebrities on today’s red
carpet, will by struck by the similarity
with the pose of many of the men here
— the only differences being a twist of
the body, the raising of the head and
the thrusting outward of the other
hand (often, resting on something long
and straight, such as a sword).
It’s not subtle, but the impact is
powerful, occasionally ridiculous, such
as in Pompeo Batoni’s Colonel the
Hon William Gordon, whose legs
astride stance and wild swathes of
colourful tartan make him look as if
he has just escaped from a Laura
Ashley warehouse.
Dress too is key. In Daniel Mytens’s
1629 portrait of Charles I supporter
and military incompetent James
Hamilton, 1st Duke of Hamilton, his
silver doublet and hose sparkles from
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the times | Friday March 9 2018
13
1G T
NATIONAL TRUST SCOTLAND; STAATLICHE KUNSTSAMMLUNGEN DRESDEN; FRANS HALSMUSEUM, HAARLEM; HAMMER MUSEUM, LOS ANGELES; RIJKSMUSEUM, AMSTERDAM
visual art
certainly depicted in their wedding
clothes and the portraits were
probably made to commemorate the
event — I can’t imagine it.
A smile threatens Soolmans’s lips as
he surveys the viewer, holding out a
glove to his wife (a symbol of a
husband’s authority) with his left
hand. She is advancing towards him,
the back of her dress trailing on the
step behind her, its fabric caught up
in her hand to stop it from getting in
the way of her feet. It’s a device used
in several of the paintings of women
in this show to give a sense of
movement, but also possibly to
allow the artists to display their
virtuosity with fabrics.
And, oh my, what fabrics. Soolmans
had inherited wealth from his father’s
sugar refinery business; Coppit, the
eldest daughter of a grain and
gunpowder merchant, brought a
fortune of nearly three times her
husband’s to the marriage. It shows.
Her intricate lace collar flows over her
shoulders like sea foam; the textured
silk of her rich black dress echoes
Soolmans’s lavish outfit. He also has
the distinction of sporting the largest
shoe roses in any 17th-century
painting. You get the feeling he’d
have been delighted.
the canvas, as if covered in sequins.
He casts Maurits, Prince of Orange,
painted by Michiel Jansz van
Mierevelt in about 1620 in full gold
armour, slightly into the shade.
Van Dyck’s celebrated handling of
rich fabrics is shown to its fullest effect
in his classically inspired 1637 image of
Lucy Percy, Countess of Carlisle, while
Frans Hals’s loose, painterly depiction
of the lavish black outfit worn by the
cloth merchant Willem van
Heythuysen (the artist’s only portrait
in this format, out of 220 across his
oeuvre) is so vivid it practically rustles.
By contrast, the louche but simple
red dressing gown in which John
Singer Sargent poses the handsome
Dr Samuel-Jean Pozzi sets off the
subject’s beautiful face and elegant
hands perfectly (the author of one of
the first comprehensive gynaecological
textbooks, Pozzi had a reputation for
seducing his female patients. His lover,
Sarah Bernhardt, called him “Doctor
Dieu”), while the barely there lion skin
sported by the otherwise nude model
for Hendrick Goltzius’s Hercules and
Cacus, 1613 (his identity is disputed), is
Above: Colonel the Hon
William Gordon, 1766,
Pompeo Batoni. Above
right: Catherine of
Mecklenburg, Duchess
of Saxony by Lucas
Cranach the Elder
William
Gordon
looks as
if he’s just
escaped
from a
Laura
Ashley
warehouse
used to accentuate . . . well. Once
you’ve noticed the shape created by
the folds as it trails across his crotch
you can’t unsee it.
Even the dodgy execution of
William Larkin’s 1613 portrait of
Richard Sackville, 3rd Earl of Dorset,
is overpowered by his appearance.
Sackville was “a licentious spendthrift”,
who squandered his fortune on high
jinks — and his wardrobe.
His dress is probably the one that he
wore to the wedding of Elizabeth
Stuart and the Elector Palatine that
same year and its extravagance very
nearly masks the fact that his deftly
modelled head floats above his
immense ruff and his body looks like a
decorated paper doll. Rather better is
Giovanni Boldini’s huge portrait of the
6ft, rake-thin Marchesa Luisa Casati,
whose vast eyes and pallid face shine
out from between her huge black hat
and gown. The painting served as
inspiration to the Italian futurists.
At the centre of all this hang the
couple, Marten and Oopjen. If it were
possible to look more contented than
this bridegroom — they are almost
14
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Friday March 9 2018 | the times
television & radio
The secret to a whip-smart sitcom: no children
PETE DADDS
Carol
Midgley
TV review
Not Going Out
BBC One
{{(((
Still Game
BBC One
{{{((
L
ee Mack is one of our most
quick-witted comedians.
So he should know more
than most that children
are rarely funny. Not
intentionally and not in TV
sitcoms anyway. It worked with
Outnumbered — just. But every time
a stand-up comedian has a baby and
turns their act into a nappies/
too-tired-for-sex-any-more routine
they hit themselves with the
bland stick. They have become
60 per cent less funny.
Radio Choice
Joe Clay
The Charity Business
Radio 4, 11am
A timely one, given the
Oxfam controversy, as
Matthew Taylor presents
a new documentary series
examining charities. In
this first episode Taylor
ponders what we think
about charities and explores
whether the reality is
different. He touches on
recent scandals in the sector
(it’s not only Oxfam that’s
in the frame) and meets
a man who believes that
business is the best way to
solve social problems. He
also focuses on several
smaller charities, including
a volunteer-led horse
sanctuary, a charity music
gig and a church hosting
a children’s centre.
A Charles Paris
Mystery
Radio 4, 11.30am
The world of amateur
dramatics can be a
dangerous one, especially
when Charles Paris (Bill
Nighy) is involved. In Dead
Room Farce the actor and
amateur sleuth is starring
in a revival of a 1970s farce
when the director drops
dead. Another premature
death follows when an audio
producer dies in mysterious
circumstances and Paris
puts down his script to
try to solve the crime.
So it has been lately with Not Going
Out. It was once an old-fashioned, but
whip-smart and life-affirming sitcom
that made me laugh in a way that Mrs
Brown’s Boys never could. Mack is
hugely likeable and it helped that Tim
Vine and Miranda Hart used to be in
it. But since Mack’s character switched
from a no-hoper bachelor spouting
laddish one-liners to a married
suburban dad of three whose humour
comes mostly from ribbing his fatherin-law and often giving the kids their
own lines it has moved down two gears.
Last night was about Lee mowing
his father-in-law’s lawn, not realising it
was fake turf. The bit where his screen
wife, Lucy, learns this just as Lee chugs
past on a ride-on mower was, as ever,
exquisitely timed. The gags are still
fired tommy gun-style: you often miss
the next two while processing the first.
“Dad’s been showing me his new
extension,” says Lucy. “Well,” says
Lee, “you’re never too old for
cosmetic enhancement.”
But it lacks the edge it once had. To
be fair, the children were barely in it
last night, but when they were, singing
that song at the end, it was painful. If
there is to be a tenth series is there
any chance that Lee could get a
divorce and go and live with Tim?
There were no children to speak of
in Still Game, in its eighth series and
Scotland’s most-watched TV show.
The characters’ average age is, at a
Radio 1
FM: 96.7-99.8 MHz
6.30am The Radio 1 Breakfast Show with
Nick Grimshaw 10.00 Clara Amfo 12.45pm
Newsbeat 1.00 Scott Mills 4.00 The Official
Chart with Greg James 5.45 Newsbeat
6.00 Radio 1’s Dance Anthems with Greg
James 7.00 Annie Mac 9.00 Pete Tong
11.00 Danny Howard 1.00am B.Traits
4.00 Radio 1’s Essential Mix
Radio 2
FM: 88-90.2 MHz
6.30am Chris Evans. With guests Michael
Caine and Kelsea Ballerini 9.30 Ken Bruce
12.00 Jeremy Vine 2.00pm Steve Wright
5.00 Simon Mayo 7.00 Tony Blackburn’s
Golden Hour 8.00 Trevor Nelson’s Rhythm
Nation 10.00 The Craig Charles House Party
12.00 Anneka Rice: The Happening 2.00am
Radio 2’s Funky Soul Playlist 3.00 Radio 2
Playlist: New to 2 4.00 Radio 2 Playlist:
21st Century Songs 5.00 Huey on Saturday
Radio 3
FM: 90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30am Breakfast
9.00 Essential Classics
Ian Skelly with a selection of classical music.
Plus, the conductor Mirga Grazinyte-Tyl
12.00 Composer of the Week:
Rachel Portman
Donald Macleod joins the Oscar-winning film
composer Rachel Portman in her studio in
London, to talk about her life and music for
film and the concert platform. Rachel
Portman (We Will Be Laotong — Snow
Flower and the Secret Fan; Never Let Me Go
— excerpts; Endangered; Skye Boat Song;
We Were There; Katya Remembers —
Despite the Falling Snow; The Final Event—
Race; and End Titles — Still Life)
1.00pm News
1.02 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert
Sarah Walker presents the last programme
of highlights from the 12th Classix Kempten.
Clarke (Dumka); Erzsébet Szönyi (Sonata);
and Farrenc (Nonet in E flat, Op 38)
2.00 Afternoon Concert
Kate Molleson concludes a week of concerts
featuring the BBC Scottish Symphony
Orchestra recorded in Edinburgh, with
violinist Ilya Gringolts from a concert
recorded in Leeds. Tchaikovsky (Piano
Concerto No 1 in B flat minor, Op 23);
Shostakovich (Symphony No 11 in G minor,
Op 103); Helen Grime (2 Eardley Pictures);
and Schumann (Violin Concerto in D minor)
Lee Mack and his on-screen wife Lucy (Sally Bretton)
5.00 In Tune at Free Thinking
Sean Rafferty launches this year’s Free
Thinking Festival with a programme of live
music making and chat. Among his guests
are the Festival Lecturer Linda Yueh, New
Generation Thinker Daisy Fancourt, who
researches the links between arts and health,
and the choir Voices of Hope, who perform a
brand new piece by the composer Lucy
Pankhurst marking a hundred years since the
first women in this country won the right to
vote, with a text by Helen Pankhurst based
on words by her great-grandmother,
suffragette Emmeline Pankhurst
7.00 In Tune Mixtape
In Tune’s specially curated playlist, featuring
Jewish liturgical music by Sulzer, a serenade
from Suk and a little Bach prelude. Also,
klezmer from the London Klezmer Quartet
and Chopin-inspired music from the
Icelandic composer ”lafur Arnalds
7.30 Radio 3 in Concert
at Free Thinking (Live)
As part of this year’s Free Thinking Festival
from Sage Gateshead, Adam Tomlinson
introduces the Royal Northern Sinfonia and
Julian Rachlin (conductor/violin/viola), with
references to the city of Vienna throughout.
Beethoven (Coriolan Overture, Op 62);
Mozart (Violin Concerto in A “Turkish”;
and Bruch Romance in F, Op 85); and
Mozart (Symphony No 36 “Linz”)
10.00 Free Thinking Lecture
Leading economic expert Linda Yueh delivers
her vision for restoring faith in the free
market. This is a world where experts of all
stripes are struggling to win over the
confidence of the general population. Last
year, the Bank of England said it was
stepping up its efforts to minimise a
“twin deficit” of public understanding and
trust in an area that has come under
particular fire recently — economics. In a
timely defence of her profession, and by
drawing on ideas put forward by several
titans of economic theory, Linda Yueh, the
former Chief Business Correspondent for BBC
News, opens the Free Thinking festival 2018
with a unique take on how to fix the
globalised free market to benefit the one and
the all. With the chairman Philip Dodd
11.00 World on 3
A Free Thinking edition recorded at the
Sage Gateshead in which Kathryn Tickell
introduces music by the Keelers, the duo of
Eryn Rae and Scott Turnbull, and Ethiopian
singer Haymanot Tesfa performing with the
Iranian percussionist Arian Sadr. Recorded
at Sage Gateshead earlier in the evening
1.00am Through the Night
Radio 4
FM: 92.4-94.6 MHz LW: 198kHz MW: 720 kHz
5.30am News Briefing
5.43 Prayer for the Day
5.45 Farming Today
5.58 Tweet of the Day
6.00 Today
With Justin Webb and Sarah Montague
8.31 (LW) Yesterday in Parliament
9.00 Desert Island Discs
With the actor Matt Smith (r)
9.45 (LW) Daily Service
9.45 An Alternative History of Art
Naomi Beckwith meets the overlooked
Chicago Imagist painter Jim Nutt (5/10)
10.00 Woman’s Hour
With Jenni Murray. Including at 10.45 the 15
Minute Drama: Part five of the second series
of the adaptation of AJ Cronin’s The Citadel
11.00 The Charity Business
Matthew Taylor examines how charities
work. See Radio Choice (1/3)
11.30 A Charles Paris Mystery:
Dead Room Farce
By Jeremy Front See Radio Choice (3/4)
12.01pm (LW) Shipping Forecast
12.04 Home Front
By Sarah Daniels. Last in the series (5/40)
12.15 You and Yours
1.00 The World at One
1.45 Political Thinking
with Nick Robinson
Feminism and political pragmatism (5/5)
2.00 The Archers (r)
2.15 Drama: The Unforgiven
By Barbara Machin. With a day left to save
Boyd and crack the case, everything
disappears into desperation as another
victim is taken, right from under the team.
Starring Sue Johnston and Holly Aird (5/5)
3.00 Gardeners’ Question Time
From Thornton-le-Moor, North Yorkshire
3.45 Short Works
Chuma by Lesley Nneka Arimah
4.00 Last Word
Obituaries presented by Matthew Bannister
4.30 Feedback
Listeners’ views
4.55 The Listening Project
A mother and daughter reflect on their love
— and fear — of scuba-diving
5.00 PM
5.54 (LW) Shipping Forecast
6.00 Six O’Clock News
6.30 The Now Show
Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis re-cap the
week’s events via topical stand-up (2/6)
7.00 The Archers
Clarrie attempts to calm the waters
guess, about 75. The same went for a
couple of the punchlines. But Still
Game is funny because it is rooted in
something authentic. The run-down,
pebble-dashed Clansman, which
provides the locals’ epicentre, is the
type of pub you find everywhere,
where taking the piss is the daily
currency. Despite the slapstick plots,
OAPs nurse one pint for two hours
while the barman, Boabby, has only
£16 takings in his till. It also provides
scope for plenty of dark death jokes.
When flash “wanker” Derek walked
into the dingy Clansman pub, full of
OAPs, he told Boabby: “I see you’re
still in the funeral business.”
But despite being focused on elderly
people this is no Last of the Summer
Wine (I mean that as a compliment).
For a start there’s a character called
Methadone Mick, another who had a
leg amputated after smoking 80
cigarettes a day, and far from featuring
the pretty rolling hills of Holmfirth,
West Yorkshire, it is set in what the
locals call a “shitehole”.
Last night’s plot concerned Isa’s
surprise birthday party and the
supposed gentrification of the
Clansman, teeing up jokes about the
swanky tosspots in Glasgow’s west end
who will pay “eight and a half quid for
a burger”. It ended with Winston
falling naked into the party through a
ceiling. Oddly, it worked.
carol.midgley@thetimes.co.uk
7.15 Front Row
With Stig Abell
7.45 The Citadel
By AJ Cronin (5/5)
8.00 Any Questions?
From Falmouth University in Cornwall
8.50 A Point of View
Weekly reflections on a topical issue
presented by Tom Shakespeare
9.00 Home Front Omnibus
Parts 1-5. By Sarah Daniels
9.45pm-5.20am (LW) Test Match
Special: New Zealand v England
Commentary on the fifth and final ODI,
held at the Hagley Oval in Christchurch
10.00 The World Tonight
With Razia Iqbal
10.45 Book at Bedtime: The Long Drop
By Denise Mina. A killer is revealed as Watt
and Manuel tour Glasgow pubs, on the run
from gangster Dandy McKay (5/10)
11.00 A Good Read
Joanna Trollope and Sabrina Mahfouz talk
about their favourite books (6/9) (r)
11.30 Today in Parliament
Mark D’Arcy reports from Westminster
11.55 The Listening Project
Friends Ali and Kieran discuss assertiveness
12.00 News and Weather
12.30am An Alternative History of Art
The Imagist painter Jim Nutt (5/10) (r)
12.48 Shipping Forecast
1.00 As BBC World Service
Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
8.00am I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again 8.30
Brothers in Law 9.00 The Motion Show 9.30
Kathmandu or Bust 10.00 The Russian
Gambler 11.00 Winston Graham Short
Stories 11.15 The Listening Heart 12.00 I’m
Sorry I’ll Read That Again 12.30pm Brothers
in Law 1.00 Sherlock Holmes with Carleton
Hobbs 1.30 Her Story Made History 2.00
A Delicate Truth 2.15 Grimm Thoughts 2.30
The Old Curiosity Shop 2.45 A Confession
3.00 The Russian Gambler 4.00 The Motion
Show 4.30 Kathmandu or Bust 5.00 The
Emerald Green Show 5.30 In and Out of the
Kitchen 6.00 The Interplanetary Notes of
Ambassador B 6.15 Five Ghost Stories 6.30
Mastertapes 7.00 I’m Sorry I’ll Read That
Again. Comedy with John Cleese, Graeme
Garden and Bill Oddie 7.30 Brothers in Law.
Legal comedy with Richard Briers 8.00
Sherlock Holmes with Carleton Hobbs. By
Michael Hardwick, based on a story by Arthur
Conan Doyle 8.30 Her Story Made History.
President of Liberia, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
9.00 Podcast Radio Hour. The radio presenter
Geoff Lloyd talks to Amanda Litherland. Last
in the series 10.00 Comedy Club: In and Out
of the Kitchen. Damien is asked to prepare
the food for a funeral 10.30 Ian D Montfort
Is: Unbelievable. With guest Hardeep Singh
Kohli 10.55 The Comedy Club Interview.
(1/3) Arthur Smith chats to Jenny Eclair
11.00 Listen Against. Comedy sketches with
Alice Arnold and Jon Holmes 11.30 Chain
Reaction. Phill Jupitus interviews the
poet and comedian John Hegley
Radio 5 Live
MW: 693, 909
6.00am 5 Live Breakfast 10.00 Chiles on
Friday 1.00pm The Friday Sports Panel 2.00
Kermode and Mayo’s Film Review 4.00 5 Live
Drive 7.00 5 Live Sport: The Friday Football
Social 9.30 At Home with Colin Murray
10.00 Stephen Nolan 1.00am
Up All Night 5.00 5 Live Boxing with
Costello & Bunce 5.30 Fit & Fearless
talkSPORT
MW: 1053, 1089 kHz
6.00am The Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast
with Ally McCoist 10.00 Max Rushden, Perry
Groves and Bob Mills 1.00pm Goldstein and
Cundy 4.00 Adrian Durham and Darren
Gough 7.00 The Season Ticket with Danny
Kelly and Laura Woods 10.00 The Two Mikes
1.00am Extra Time with Tom Latchem
6 Music
Digital only
7.00am Shaun Keaveny 10.00 Lauren
Laverne 1.00pm Mark Radcliffe 4.00 Steve
Lamacq 7.00 Iggy Pop 9.00 Tom Ravenscroft
12.00 Nemone’s Electric Ladyland 2.00am
6 Music Classic Concert 3.00 6 Music Live
Hour 4.00 The First Time with Colin
Greenwood 5.00 Chris Hawkins
Classic FM
FM: 100-102 MHz
6.00am More Music Breakfast 9.00 John
Suchet 1.00pm Anne-Marie Minhall 5.00
Classic FM Drive. Presented by Nicholas
Owen 8.00 The Full Works Concert. Catherine
Bott showcases the intricate playing of
Staatskapelle Dresden. Saint-Saens
(Bacchanale); Mozart (Symphony No.38
in D K.504); Elgar (Violin Concerto in B minor
Op 61); Weber (Concertino in E-flat Op 26);
and Wagner (Siegfried’s Rhine Journey)
10.00 Smooth Classics 1.00am
Katie Breathwick 4.00 Jane Jones
the times | Friday March 9 2018
15
1G T
CLIVE BARDA
first night
Concert
CBSO/Adès
Symphony Hall, Birmingham
F
{{{{{
aced with the prospect of
a concerto for organ, you
don’t expect to be listening to
21 metronomes ticking away,
exuberant cymbal clashes or
the call to prayer of the Angelus bell.
Yet if the composer is Gerald Barry,
anything goes. All those and more
appeared during the premiere of his
magnificently outlandish Organ
Concerto, co-commissioned by the
City of Birmingham Symphony
Orchestra and given a dashing sendoff with Birmingham’s city organist,
Thomas Trotter, under the swinging
baton of the composer Thomas Adès.
Barry’s first musical instrument, it
turns out, was the harmonium in his
village church. In a solo a harmonium
turned up here in remembrance,
chewing its way through unglued
harmonies and ragged rhythms.
Trotter’s organ part was usually more
violent, whether sparring with a
trumpet or poking through orchestral
sounds splayed out on the floor like
a toddler’s building blocks. Strict
musical logic should have dictated
trimming the amount of bedlam, the
Angelus bell or the repetitions of the
final “hymn”, hammered out by
angular trumpets and an orchestra
grandly steaming ahead like an old
ocean liner. But what has logic to do
with Barry? He’s a complete original,
contemporary music’s Mad Hatter.
The rest of the concert was saner,
yet almost as striking. The CBSO’s
polished panache resounded through
Britten’s Sinfonia da Requiem. Without
any bending of the notes on the page,
each texture and phrase seemed
freshly imagined, hurtled into daring
new life by the conductor’s slashing
arms. Adès’s Polaris — intricate in
construction, simple in effect —
whisked us far into twinkling and
bubbling outer space. Placed alongside,
Stravinsky’s Symphony in Three
Movements lacked a little athletic vim,
but never enough to rob this earstretching concert of its five stars.
Geoff Brown
Theatre
Paint Your Wagon
Everyman, Liverpool
T
{{{((
his sure is a rickety old
vehicle, this 1951 Lerner and
Loewe musical — sometimes
the wheels darn near come
clean off. Yet Gemma
Bodinetz’s production lends it such
beguiling, rough-edged charm and
vivacity that we cheerfully go along for
the ride. Performed by an engaging
company of 14, and choreographed by
Tom Jackson Greaves, it’s stacked
high with invention and exuberance.
It even, among all the cavorting and
“whoop-ti-ay”-ing, unearths nuggets
of touching tenderness.
Set during the Gold Rush, the show
is best known from the 1969 film with
Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. The
original is markedly different plotwise, but both versions are ambling
and aimless and share a central figure:
Ben Rumson, the booze-soaked
founding father of a ramshackle
Allison Cook as Prostitute and Johan Reuter as Siskov
It lives up
to its name
This ludicrous updating does Janácek’s
opera no favours, says Richard Morrison
Opera
From the House
of the Dead
Covent Garden
{{(((
I
needed a stiff drink after this, and
I expect the violinists in the Royal
Opera’s orchestra needed several.
Janácek’s last opera, on which he
was working when he died in 1928,
certainly lives up to its name.
Based on Dostoevsky’s semiautobiographical story of life in a
gulag, it challenges audiences to enjoy
100 minutes in which nothing much
happens except random violence and
prisoners recounting the events that
led to their incarceration. Meanwhile,
mining town, played here with tough,
stringy alacrity and a ratty beard by
Patrick Brennan. Ben is a widower, his
daughter Jennifer the sole female
among 400 lonely men. Lust levels
surge higher with the arrival of a
Mormon, Jacob, and his two wives,
followed by a French madam, Cherry,
and her troupe euphemistically
referred to as “dancing girls”.
Bodinetz tackles the story’s jarring,
blatant sexism with a sensitivity that
allows just enough darkness to dim
the California sunshine. Emily
Hughes, luminous as denim-overalled
Jennifer, is hilariously oblivious to the
men’s priapic predicament. Yet it’s
shocking when Jacob sells his wife
Elizabeth to Ben at auction, even
though she has the last laugh. And
the misery on the faces of Cherry’s
dancers when their smiles aren’t
plastered on for the leering men
is an eloquent, wordless protest.
Yet the prevailing mood remains
buoyant. In I Talk to the Trees, the
taboo-busting, interracial romance
between Jennifer and a Mexican
miner becomes a giddy tango, with a
chorus in longjohns showering them
Janácek’s score — presented here in
John Tyrrell’s new authentic edition
— challenges the orchestra in all sorts
of ferocious ways. If you know
Janácek’s Sinfonietta you will recognise
the same quiltworks of jagged musical
neuroses, but still be startled by how
much farther Janácek went with raw
dissonances and wild textures. It’s not
unplayable, but even under Mark
Wigglesworth’s idiomatic direction the
orchestra sometimes sounded in need
of extra rehearsal.
Yet with an excellent cast — led
magnificently by Johan Reuter, Stefan
Margita, Willard White, Ladislav Elgr
and Pascal Charbonneau — the main
problem with this show isn’t musical.
Rather it’s the staging by the Polish
maverick Krzysztof Warlikowski.
Why do stage directors remove
operas from their original locations to
“universalise” them? Can’t we be
trusted to universalise the message for
ourselves? In this case, replacing the
uniquely harsh, cold context of a
Siberian labour camp with what seems
to be (in Malgorzata Szczesniak’s
realistic sets) the warm, well-lit gym of
a modern American prison does a big
disservice to the opera’s atmosphere.
Janácek’s score even calls for the
sound of shovels, saws and pickaxes —
but what we see are convicts playing
basketball, watching telly, sniffing coke
and cavorting with transvestites and
inflatable sex dolls. The mismatch of
visuals to music is gormless. So is the
way this production ends, in a scene
of triumph closer to The Shawshank
Redemption than to what Janácek
envisaged: the gulag’s inmates forced
to resume their bleak, hopeless
drudgery after the temporary
exultation of one prisoner’s release.
Even more incongruously,
Warlikowski distracts us from listening
to the stunning overture and turbulent
orchestral interludes by showing
subtitled video interviews with a real
prisoner, as well as a pretentious
sermon from the poststructuralist
philosopher Michel Foucault about the
deeper significance of imprisonment.
Doubtless Warlikowski sincerely
believes that such additions help to
contextualise a difficult opera — but
as Dostoevsky famously remarked,
you can be sincere and still be stupid.
Box office: 020 7304 4000, to March 24
Keddy Sutton, Emma Bispham and Richard Bremmer
in rose petals. The wistful They Call the
Wind Maria has the men dancing in
pairs, lost in reveries of loves lost or
left behind. Wand’rin’ Star is lantern-lit
and there are cavalcades of eager
prospectors, armed with pans, shovels
and hope. The show is no classic, but
Bodinetz has mined something
worthwhile and glistening from it, and
if it’s not quite gold, it’s almost as good.
Sam Marlowe
Box office: 0151 709 4776, to July 14
Five stars for
Summer and
Smoke in London
First Night, main paper
Comedy
Dara O Briain
Pavilion, Bournemouth
W
{{{{(
hat’s the opposite of
a midlife crisis?
Because, while I’ve
seen plenty of
fortysomething
comedians have fun on stage
describing losing their moorings in life,
I’ve rarely seen a comedian quite as
content to lose himself in the gentlest
of gripes and the pettiest of parental
peeves as Dara O Briain is in his new
touring show, Voice of Reason.
That’s no stinging criticism —
the burly Irish comic, now 46, has
always shunned lofty themes for his
gorgeously garbled stand-up shows,
even if he also used to get in digs at
quackery, pseudo-science and soft
thinking. Here, though, dressed in
his strategically anonymous suit-notie, he leaves the big ideas on the
shelf. He is a happily married man
happy to leave his west London home
for a bit because he’s always got
the builders in.
O Briain is the
consummate but
fork-tongued host
When not hosting Mock the Week
or sciencey television shows such as
Stargazing Live, Robot Wars and
Go8Bit — mentions of which all earn
small cheers from pockets of the
crowd — he’ll be taking his young
son to Legoland. Or playing with
gadgets. Or fuming at the inanity of
M&M’s World. Or griping at
superhero films. And doing it all with
a greater wit and speed — and boy
does he talk fast, sometimes
wordsjustblurintoone, other times
he gives consonants the night off
— than you can second-guess.
It is, notwithstanding some
satisfying structural trickery near
the end, one of his less ambitious
evenings. It is also one of his most
straightforwardly enjoyable ones.
In fact, O Briain is almost at his
best simply playing the consummate,
but fork-tongued host, affably
befriending and belittling the people
of the front row (“what’s your name,
champ?”) as he does for much of
the first half.
He apologises to a 20-year-old
for talking about 46-year-old topics
such as “snagging”. But then, this is
that sort of show — a fearsomely
bright, well-informed man who
won’t do topical material, he tells us,
because the jokes will be out of date
long before his two-year tour ends
(even if his brief Brexit gag is
particularly deft). He won’t even
mention Trump’s name, indicating
him only by a flapping-hand mime
atop his head.
Instead, O Briain is a funny man
making himself at home with the mild
absurdities of being older and more
settled than he could once have
imagined, while having less time to
play with than he’d like. It’s not rocket
science, this one, but it’s great fun.
Dominic Maxwell
Touring throughout 2018; details:
daraobriain.com
16
1G T
Friday March 9 2018 | the times
television & radio
Viewing Guide
James Jackson
Putin: The
New Tsar
BBC Two, 9pm
Given his
villainous
image in the
West, it’s
almost a surprise that
Vladimir Putin hasn’t
taken to wearing a
Nehru jacket and
Early
Top
pick
stroking a white cat.
A one-time KGB
enforcer who has his
own private jet and
ice-hockey rink and
who prides himself on
his judo skills and allround machismo, Putin
is admired by Trump
and feared by his rivals.
So how did a poor boy
from a tiny flat in
St Petersburg become
one of the world’s most
powerful leaders? He is
almost certainly about
to win re-election as
president of Russia, so
this timely profile aims
to reveal the story of
his extraordinary rise.
There are revelations
from Putin’s inner
circle at the Kremlin,
including his former
confidant Sergei
Pugachev, who helped
him to power, but then
fell from favour. The
chess champion Garry
Kasparov talks about
his failed attempt to
stand against Putin,
while the oligarch
Mikhail Khodorkovsky,
who was imprisoned
and stripped of his
wealth, speaks of
Putin’s wrath. And
that’s just the Russians.
Jack Straw recounts
Putin’s first meeting
with Tony Blair, a
leader on whom Putin
apparently modelled
himself. “They’re very
similar,” suggests Straw,
possibly not altogether
seriously. And William
Hague discusses
bonding with Putin
over a shared love
of judo. There’s no
word, however, on
whether we’ll see
clips of Putin in his bit
part as a Nazi soldier
in a 1970s war film
(yes, this apparently
really happened).
Requiem
BBC One, 9pm
This curious and
original supernatural
noir thriller is heading
to its climax and, as
the heroine Matilda
becomes ever ruder
and more unreasonable
towards anyone trying
to help her, the truth
about the missing girl,
Carys, is leaking out.
It’s largely down to an
Elizabethan who was
trying to talk to angels
and summon them,
although the present
occultist locals of
Penllynith seem to
be up to no good too.
Since Matilda is in a
tormented daze, it’s
left to her friend Hal
to crack the case,
but the closer you
get to the truth, the
deadlier things get in
Weirdsville, Wales.
BBC One
BBC Two
ITV
Channel 4
Channel 5
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Murder, Mystery and My Family.
A murder case in rural Ireland. Last in the series (AD)
10.00 Homes Under the Hammer. Properties in Kent,
Cornwall and Derbyshire (r) (AD) 11.00 Wanted Down
Under Revisited. Catching up with a family who spent a
trial week in Adelaide. Last in the series 11.45 Caught
Red Handed. A clumsy crook manages to cut his hand
badly. Last in the series 12.15pm Bargain Hunt. The
antiques hunting series visits Ballinderry in Northern
Ireland (AD) 1.00 BBC News at One; Weather 1.30 BBC
Regional News; Weather 1.45 Doctors. A flash inspection
from the CQC sends sparks flying (AD) 2.15 Shakespeare
& Hathaway: Private Investigators. Frank and Lu are
tasked with recovering a precious jewel. Last in the series
(AD) 3.00 Escape to the Country. A horse-loving mother
seeks a property in Cornwall (AD) 3.45 Coast and Country
Auctions. A visit to the Bala Autumn Sale in north Wales
4.30 Antiques Road Trip. James Braxton and Raj Bisram
head to their final auction in Somerset. Last in the series
(r) 5.15 Pointless. Quiz show hosted by Alexander
Armstrong and Richard Osman (r) 6.00 BBC News at Six;
Weather 6.30 BBC Regional News; Weather
6.00am Caught Red Handed (r) 6.30 Coast and Country
Auctions (r) 7.15 Wanted Down Under Revisited (r) 8.00
Sign Zone: Back in Time for Tea (r) (AD, SL) 9.00 Victoria
Derbyshire 11.00 BBC Newsroom Live 12.00 Daily
Politics. Presented by Jo Coburn 1.00pm Perfection. Nick
Knowles hosts the general knowledge quiz (r) 1.45 Plan
It, Build It. A man wants to create the perfect seaside
retreat (r) (AD) 2.15 Yes Chef. Pierre Koffmann judges
the final dishes as chefs Aiden Byrne, Theo Randall, Matt
Gillan and Frances Atkins team up with home cooks in the
pro-am competition. Sheree Murphy hosts (r) 3.00 A
Place to Call Home. George warns Elizabeth to be careful
of giving the game away, James takes Harry to a private
party in Sydney, while Roy continues to act as Sarah’s
protector (r) 4.40 More Creatures Great and Small.
Angela has to deliver bad news in Fife (r) 5.10 Flog It!
An art deco children’s clock and a painting that could be
worth thousands turn up in Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex.
Paul Martin visits the site of the Battle of Hastings (r)
6.00 Eggheads. Quiz show with Jeremy Vine (r) 6.30
Great British Railway Journeys Goes to Ireland. Michael
Portillo heads to Westport. Last in the series (r) (AD)
6.00am Good Morning Britain. A lively mix of news and
current affairs, plus health, entertainment and lifestyle
features 8.30 Lorraine. Entertainment, current affairs
and fashion news, as well as showbiz stories, cooking and
gossip 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Studio chat show
10.30 This Morning. Chat and lifestyle features, including
a look at the stories making the newspaper headlines and
a recipe in the kitchen. Presented by Eamonn Holmes and
Ruth Langsford 12.30pm Loose Women. Topical debate
and interviews from a female perspective, featuring a
celebration of the panellist Linda Robson’s 50 years in
showbiz with some surprise guests 1.30 ITV News;
Weather 2.00 James Martin’s American Adventure. The
chef ends his exploration of the US in New York City.
After a bite of pizza at a pizzeria in Greenwich Village,
James cooks on one of the city’s piers. Last in the series
(AD) 3.00 Tenable. Five cinema workers from East Anglia
answer questions based on top 10 lists, then try to score
a perfect 10 in the final round. Last in the series 4.00
Tipping Point. Ben Shephard hosts the quiz show 5.00
The Chase. Bradley Walsh presents the quiz 6.00
Regional News; Weather 6.30 ITV News; Weather
6.00am Countdown (r) 6.45 3rd Rock from the Sun (r)
(AD) 7.35 Everybody Loves Raymond (r) 8.30 Frasier (r)
(AD) 10.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA.
A struggling restaurant on Long Island (r) 10.55 Live
Winter Paralympics Opening Ceremony. Rob Walker,
Ade Adepitan and Sean Rose present coverage from
Pyeongchang in South Korea, as the curtain is raised for
the 12th staging of the Games, which will see 10 days of
sporting action in 80 events across six sports 1.00pm
Channel 4 News Summary 1.05 Posh Pawnbrokers.
Dan goes to look at a boat with a £90,000 price tag (r)
2.10 Countdown. With Liz Bonnin 3.00 Crufts Extra with
Alan and Clare. Presented by Alan Carr and Clare Balding
4.00 A New Life in the Sun. Mouldy tents cause worries
for the British owners of a glamping site in France 5.00
Four in a Bed. The B&B owners meet for the last time to
find out what they have been paid (r) 5.30 Extreme Cake
Makers. Karisha Pithwa creates a seven-tiered wedding
cake for a dance instructor (r) 6.00 The Simpsons. Homer
questions the behaviour of his fellow man. With the
guest voice of Tom Waits (r) (AD) 6.30 Hollyoaks.
Sienna is jealous when Joel tries to help Cleo (AD)
6.00am Milkshake! 9.15 The Wright Stuff 11.15 Can’t
Pay? We’ll Take It Away. Agents in central London try to
recover almost £1,900 owed in parking fines, while
officers Stewart and Vic chase over £2,200 owed by a
scrap yard owner (r) 12.10pm 5 News Lunchtime 12.15
GPs: Behind Closed Doors. In a forthright interview, a man
tells the inspirational story of his successful battle with
bladder cancer, while a woman describes how she
conquered an eating disorder (r) (AD) 1.15 Home and
Away (AD) 1.45 Neighbours (AD) 2.15 NCIS: Hit & Run.
The team heads into the desert to locate an artist who
might be able to help solve the murder of a fellow agent
(r) (AD) 3.15 FILM: Dark Secrets (PG, TVM, 2011)
A struggling waitress hopes for an improvement in her
fortunes after moving in with another woman while
recovering from a recent divorce. However, things take a
sinister turn when the older room-mate starts digging
into her past. Thriller starring Boti Bliss and Ashley
Leggat 5.00 5 News at 5 5.30 Neighbours. Aaron adopts
devious means to heal the rift between Piper and Terese
(r) (AD) 6.00 Home and Away. Tragedy strikes after Kat
springs Robbo from jail (r) (AD) 6.30 5 News Tonight
Get a
Armistead Maupin – How I wrote Tales of the City
“I should like to spend my
whole life reading it...”
Northanger Abbey
Paula Byrne Celebrated houses of fiction
Edward Allen Marianne Moore, and more
Nabeelah Jaffer Islam and Britishness
Libby Purves Tinder of the 1940s
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Jamie Fisher Angry like Mailer
Charlotte Shane Provocations of feminism
Samuel Earle Never getting bored of Barthes
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Laura Freeman Dress like a writer
Colin Grant Lost voices of immigration
Anne McElvoy The passion of Merkel
Krishan Kumar On statues and Nazis
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Tales of addiction
Inspirations of Dante
Rowan Williams
Ian Thomson
Wandering, wondering
Eric J. Iannelli
Terri Apter
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Annette Kobak on women and the Grand Tour
Jan Marsh on Ruskin in Europe
7PM
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7.00 The One Show Hosted by
Alex Jones and Michael Ball
7.00 Saving Lives at Sea Crews are
tasked to find two teenage paddle
boarders in Bangor, and the Tenby crew
must race to a dog who’s fallen over
a cliff. Meanwhile, the harrowing
hovercraft rescue of three sisters still
brings back painful memories for the
Hunstanton crew (4/12) (r) (AD)
7.00 Emmerdale Rebecca is arrested for
breaking into Home Farm, and David
faces the consequences (AD)
7.00 Channel 4 News
7.30 Coronation Street Eileen wants Tim
to keep quiet about Phelan’s crooked
activities, and Eva comes up with a
plan to get Billy back home (AD)
8.00 EastEnders The war between Mick
and Aidan comes to a head (AD)
8.00 Mastermind Specialist subjects
include Manchester music and the
Giordano Bruno novels of SJ Parris
8.00 Love Your Garden Alan Titchmarsh
and the team create a suitable outdoor
area for a wheelchair user (1/8) (AD)
8.30 Room 101 Katherine Ryan, Geri
Horner and Adam Buxton share their
gripes with host Frank Skinner (7/9)
8.30 Gardeners’ World New series.
Monty Don reveals his new plans
for the year and takes stock of any
winter damage. See Viewing Guide
8.30 Coronation Street Eva decides to
search hostels and shelters in an
attempt to find Billy (AD)
7.30 Crufts 2018 The judging includes the
Terrier and Hound groups and there’s
more high-octane canine competition
with highlights of Flyball and Agility.
Supervet Noel Fitzpatrick joins
presenter Clare Balding to discuss
canine health and scientific advances,
and to answer viewers’ questions,
while Kate Bevan and behaviourist
Carolyn Mentieth are also on
hand to offer owners advice
9.00 Requiem Laura tries to warn Matilda
that she is in grave and imminent
danger. Hal’s blossoming romance with
Trudy allows him to reflect on his
relationship with Matilda and he
resolves to get to the bottom of the
Penllynith mystery once and for all.
See Viewing Guide (5/6) (AD)
9.00 Putin: The New Tsar The story of
Vladimir Putin’s rise to power — from
a lowly KGB colonel to Boris Yeltsin’s
right-hand man and ultimately his
successor as Russian President.
Contributors include Sergei Pugachev,
Garry Kasparov, Jack Straw and
William Hague. See Viewing Guide
9.00 Lethal Weapon The discovery of a
corpse in a dumpster leads Riggs and
Murtaugh to the apartment of a man
apparently obsessed with investigating
conspiracies. Meanwhile, Riggs’
relationship with Molly evolves,
and Murtaugh and Trish try to
get Harper into pre-school (AD)
Late
11PM
10PM
9PM
8PM
7.30 MasterChef The week’s best
amateurs are challenged by Jay Rayner
to make an exceptional pie, sweet or
savoury, using their own pastry (AD)
10.00 BBC News at Ten
10.25 BBC Regional News and Weather;
followed by National Lottery Update
10.35 The Young Offenders With an
extra mouth to feed at home,
Mairead is feeling the pinch (5/6)
11.05 Captain America: The Winter
Soldier (12, 2014) The superhuman
soldier becomes an operative for secret
intelligence agency SHIELD, but grows
suspicious of their motives. Following
a battle with a mysterious cyborg
assassin, he and fellow Avenger Black
Widow become fugitives, and try to
bring down a sinister conspiracy.
Comic-book thriller sequel starring
Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson
and Samuel L Jackson (AD)
1.15am-6.00 BBC News
10.00 QI With Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus, Alan
Davies and Claudia Winkleman. The
theme for this edition is “Ologies”.
Hosted by Sandi Toksvig (r)
10.30 Newsnight Presented by Mark Urban
10.00 ITV News at Ten
10.30 Regional News
10.45 Piers Morgan’s Life Stories The
host interviews former Baywatch star
and Playboy centrefold Pamela
Anderson, who reflects on her career
and turbulent personal life, including
her relationship with WikiLeaks
founder Julian Assange (3/4) (r)
9.00 Gogglebox The armchair critics share
their opinions on what they have been
watching during the week. The
programme captures their instant
reactions and lively discussions from
the comfort of their own homes
10.00 The Last Leg Hosts Adam Hills,
Alex Brooker and Josh Widdicombe
examine the biggest and most
entertaining news stories, and round
up the main talking points of the
past seven days. Guests join the trio
live in the studio to help dissect
the week’s events (7/10)
11.05 The Assassination of Gianni
Versace: American Crime Story
Andrew Cunanan arrives in Miami to
stalk Gianni Versace. Meanwhile,
Antonio tells Versace that he wants
to marry him (2/9) (r) (AD)
11.55 Amazing Hotels: Life Beyond the
Lobby A hotel in Oman (2/6) (r) (AD)
11.45 Mickey Blue Eyes (15, 1999)
Romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant
and Jeanne Tripplehorn (AD)
11.05 8 Out of 10 Cats Irreverent panel
show hosted by Jimmy Carr, in
which guests Ant Middleton,
Katherine Ryan, Kerry Howard and
Ola join team captains Rob Beckett
and Aisling Bea (9/11) (r)
11.55 The Inbetweeners The gang goes
on a field trip (1/6) (r) (AD, SL)
12.55am Sign Zone: Girls on the Edge Documentary
following three families whose daughters have been
sectioned under the Mental Health Act to prevent them
from harming themselves (r) (AD, SL) 1.55-2.40 Royal
Recipes. Michael Buerk and Paul Ainsworth recreate a
dish from the most lavish royal banquet (r) (AD, SL)
1.25am Jackpot247 Viewers get the chance to
participate in live interactive gaming from the comfort of
their sofas, with a mix of roulette-wheel spins and lively
chat from the presenting team 3.00 Alphabetical. Quiz
hosted by Jeff Stelling (10/10) (r) (SL) 3.50-6.00
ITV Nightscreen. Text-based information service
12.30am Live Winter Paralympics Featuring action
from the round-robin phases of the ice hockey and
wheelchair curling competitions. See Viewing Guide
3.30 Coast vs Country (r) 4.25 Food Unwrapped (r) 4.50
Streetmate (r) 5.15 Kirstie’s Fill Your House for Free (r)
5.30-8.00 Live Winter Paralympics. Coverage of day one
7.00 The Gadget Show New series.
Jon Bentley and Craig Charles see if
cutting-edge tech can put them on a
par with professional decorators. Plus,
a trip to the world’s biggest consumer
electronics show (1/12) (AD)
8.00 The Yorkshire Steam Railway:
All Aboard The start of the Easter
timetable at the North Yorkshire
Moors Railway finds marketing
manager Laura devising a stunt
to capitalise on the Tour de
Yorkshire cycling race (2/3)
9.00 Jane McDonald & Friends New
series. A mixture of some favourite
songs, performed with the singer’s
own band and dancers. In this edition,
Jane is accompanied by guests R’n’B
artist Alexander O’Neal and former
Westlife member Shane Filan (1/5)
10.00 Will & Grace Vince invites Will to his
wedding, while Jack fends off the
advances of an amorous cop
10.30 French and Saunders: 30 Years of
Laughs A celebration of the careers of
Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders, in
particular their work as a double-act.
The programme features the thoughts
of friends and co-stars, including
Jools Holland, Sarah Hadland, Helen
Lederer and Christopher Biggins (6/6)
11.30 That’s So 1990 Memories of the year
Italy hosted the World Cup and prime
minister Mrs Thatcher handed over
the reins to John Major (6/8) (r)
12.15am SuperCasino 3.10 The X-Files. An
investigation could lead Mulder and Scully back to their
son (r) (AD) 4.00 The X-Files. Skinner goes Awol when
his past comes back to haunt him (r) (AD) 4.45 House
Doctor. A couple with a cluttered house (r) (SL) 5.10
Nick’s Quest (r) (SL) 5.35-6.00 Wildlife SOS (r) (SL)
the times | Friday March 9 2018
17
1G T
television & radio
The Magic of
Minimalism
BBC Four, 9pm
Part two of Charles
Hazlewood’s
explanation of
minimalism, the
musical genre that
emerged in the 1950s,
arrives in New York,
where Philip Glass and
Steve Reich shook the
classical world to its
roots in the 1970s. They
added orchestral
dimensions and an
urban buzz to pieces
based on repetition
and, frankly, you either
“get” this music’s
transcendent qualities
or you don’t. If you do,
you’ll appreciate an
episode including
excerpts from Reich’s
Variations for Winds,
Strings and Keyboards
and Mike Oldfield’s
Tubular Bells.
Rough Justice
More4, 9pm
Another week, another
new subtitled crime
thriller, so what’s this
one’s selling point?
Largely the Belgian
heroine — blunttalking Liese Meerhout,
who’s as tall as a
drainpipe, tough of
course, likes to pick
up women in clubs
and plays jazz drums
to unwind. She’s the
head of Antwerp’s
homicide division,
tonight looking into a
suffocated journalist
down at the docks.
Her new pathologist,
meanwhile, is popping
open champagne over
the corpse to herald his
appointment. Nothing
here to set the world
alight, but serviceable
fare for incurable
Euro-noir devotees.
Winter
Paralympics
Opening
Ceremony
Channel 4, 12.30am
After live coverage of
the opening ceremony
at the Pyeongchang
stadium (10.55am),
Channel 4 kicks off
ten days of Paralympic
action with live
coverage of the
downhill skiing. One
can only marvel at
the dedication and
fearlessness of those
who have dedicated
themselves to such
dangerous sports even
with their various
impediments. These
Games deserve our
attention. Commentary
comes from Rob
Walker and the former
Paralympic sit-skier
Sean Rose.
Sport Choice
BT Sport 1, 7.15pm
The Anglo-Welsh
Cup semi-finals have
a decidedly Anglo
feel, with the matches
consisting of Bath
taking on Northampton
Saints at the Rec
tonight (kick-off
7.45pm) followed by
Exeter Chiefs hosting
Newcastle Falcons
on Sunday.
Sky One
Sky Atlantic
Sky Living
Sky Arts
Sky Main Event
Variations
6.00am Monkey Life (r) (AD) 7.00 RSPCA
Animal Rescue (r) 8.00 Send in the Dogs
Australia (r) (AD) 8.30 Road Wars (r) 10.00
Warehouse 13 (r) 11.00 Forever (r) (AD) 12.00
NCIS: Los Angeles (r) 1.00pm Hawaii Five-0 (r)
3.00 NCIS: Los Angeles (r) 4.00 Stargate SG-1
(r) 5.00 The Simpsons (r) 5.30 Futurama (r)
6.00 Futurama. Fry is killed by a giant bee (r)
6.30 The Simpsons. Back-to-back episodes (r)
8.30 Modern Family. Gloria takes an instant
dislike to Javier’s new girlfriend (r)
9.00 Jamestown. Rumours circulate that
Samuel has risen from his grave
10.10 The Late Late Show with James Corden:
Best of the Week. Chat show (r)
11.10 Class of ’92: Full Time. Following
Salford City FC as it is transformed into
a full-time club. Last in the series
12.10 Russell Howard’s Hour (r) 1.10am Brit
Cops: Rapid Response (r) (AD) 2.05 Most
Shocking (r) 3.00 The Force: Essex (r) 4.00
It’s Me or the Dog (r) 5.00 Futurama (r)
6.00am Storm City (r) (AD) 8.00 The British (r)
(AD) 9.00 The West Wing (r) 11.00 House (r)
1.00pm Without a Trace (r) 2.00 Blue Bloods
(r) 3.00 The West Wing (r) 5.00 House (r)
6.00 House. A scientist is taken ill on a research
base at the South Pole. Mira Sorvino guests (r)
7.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. A man is
accused of murdering his wife and son (r)
8.00 Blue Bloods. A famous basketball player is
found dead of an apparent drug overdose (r)
9.00 Game of Thrones. Tyrion defends King’s
Landing against Stannis Baratheon’s naval
assault in a battle that will determine the
fate of the seven kingdoms (9/10) (r) (AD)
10.10 Game of Thrones. Theon Greyjoy stirs his
men into action, Daenerys enters the mysterious
House of the Undying, and Jon proves his worth
to Qhorin Halfhand (10/10) (r) (AD)
11.30 Game of Thrones. Daenerys arrives in
Slaver’s Bay looking to form an army (r) (AD)
12.40am Mosaic (r) 1.40 Billions (r) (AD)
2.50 Girls (r) (AD) 4.00 The West Wing (r)
6.00am 60 Minute Makeover (r) 7.00 Obese:
A Year to Save My Life USA (r) 8.00 Children’s
Hospital (r) (AD) 9.00 Criminal Minds (r) 10.00
Cold Case (r) 11.00 The Biggest Loser: Australia
12.00 Obese: A Year to Save My Life USA (r)
1.00pm Stop, Search, Seize (r) (AD) 2.00
Nothing to Declare (r) (AD) 4.00 Border
Security: Canada’s Front Line (r) (AD)
5.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (r)
6.00 Criminal Minds (r)
7.00 Children’s Hospital. Two shows (r) (AD)
8.00 America’s Next Top Model. Reality series
9.00 The Good Doctor. An organ donor causes a
moral dilemma for the patient and the parents
10.00 Nashville. New series. Juliette seeks
to change her life after her meltdown
11.00 Criminal Minds (r)
12.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (r)
1.00am Cold Case (r) 2.00 Bones (r) (AD)
3.00 Border Security: Canada’s Front Line
(r) (AD) 4.00 Nothing to Declare (r) (AD)
5.00 The Biggest Loser: Australia (r)
6.00am John Eliot Gardiner Conducts
Mendelssohn & Schumann 7.40 Rain 9.00 Tales
of the Unexpected 9.30 Master of Photography
(AD) 10.30 Video Killed the Radio Star (AD)
11.00 The Sixties (AD) 12.00 Trailblazers: Pub
Rock 1.00pm Discovering: Peter O’Toole (AD)
2.00 Tales of the Unexpected 2.30 Master of
Photography (AD) 4.00 The Sixties (AD) 5.00
Trailblazers: Dance. Noddy Holder presents
6.00 Discovering: Joan Fontaine.
A profile of the Oscar-winning actress (AD)
7.00 Classic Albums. U2’s The Joshua Tree
8.00 The Music Videos That Shaped the 80s.
The effect of music videos on the industry
9.00 The Eighties. Technological innovations
made during the decade (AD)
10.00 Classic Artists: Yes. (1/2) Documentary
exploring the work of the band
12.10am Pink Floyd: The Story of Wish You
Were Here 1.30 Pink Floyd: A Delicate Sound of
Thunder 3.30 Discovering: Pink Floyd 4.00 Dag
4.30 Tales of the Unexpected 5.00 Auction
6.00am Live ATP Masters Tennis. Further
coverage from day one of the BNP Paribas
Masters 6.30 Live NRL: Newcastle Knights v
Manly Warringah Sea Eagles (Kick-off 7.00)
8.45 Live NRL: North Queensland Cowboys v
Cronulla Sharks (Kick-off 8.50) 10.45 Live Test
Cricket: South Africa v Australia. Coverage of
day one of the Second Test in the four-match
series, taking place at St George’s Park in Port
Elizabeth 3.30pm Live PGA Tour Golf. The
Valspar Championship. Coverage of the featured
groups on the second day at the Innisbrook
Resort in Palm Harbor, Florida, where
Adam Hadwin was victorious last year
7.00 Sky Sports Tonight
7.30 Live SPFL: Hibernian v Hearts
(Kick-off 7.45). Coverage of the Scottish
Premiership clash from Easter Road
10.00 Live One-Day International Cricket: New
Zealand v England. Coverage of the fifth and
final one-day international of the series,
taking place at Hagley Oval in Christchurch
BBC One N Ireland
As BBC One except: 8.30pm-9.00 Coast Lives.
Barra Best seeks sanctuary from the elements
10.35 Soft Border Patrol. The border patrol
staff remain alert and ready to deal with any
situation 11.05 The Young Offenders. Conor
and Jock try to raise some cash to assist
Mairead 11.35 Room 101. With Katherine
Ryan, Geri Horner and Adam Buxton 12.05am
FILM: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
(2014) Superhero thriller sequel starring
Chris Evans (AD) 2.10-6.00 BBC News
BBC One Wales
As BBC One except: 10.35pm Young, Welsh
and Pretty Minted. A 19-year-old making
money from people watching her play computer
games 11.05 The Big Six Nations Kick Off with
Gabby and Gareth. Guests include the former
Wales full-back Lee Byrne (r) 11.35 The Young
Offenders 12.05am FILM: Captain America:
The Winter Soldier (2014) (AD) 2.15 Weather
for the Week Ahead 2.20-6.00 BBC News
BBC Two Scotland
As BBC Two except: 6.30pm-7.00 Great
British Railway Journeys Goes to Ireland.
Travelling from Dromod to Sligo (r) (AD)
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BBC Two Wales
As BBC Two except: 6.30pm Great British
Railway Journeys Goes to Ireland. Michael
Portillo travels from Dromod to Sligo (r) (AD)
7.00 Live Scrum V: Wales Under-20s v Italy
Under-20s (Kick-off 7.15). Ross Harries
presents coverage of both teams’ penultimate
match of the Six Nations, which comes from
Parc Eirias in Colwyn Bay 9.30-10.30 Putin:
The New Tsar. The story of Vladimir Putin’s rise
to power. Contributors include Sergei Pugachev
and Garry Kasparov. See Viewing Guide
To subscribe visit tlssubs.imbmsubs.com/tlswater12 or call 01293 312178 and quote code TLSWATER12
BBC Four
E4
More4
Film4
ITV2
7.00pm World News Today; Weather
7.30 Top of the Pops: 1985. Featuring David
Bowie, Duran Duran and Paul Hardcastle (r)
8.00 Classic Albums. The making of the Beach
Boys’ Pet Sounds, featuring contributions
from the songwriter Brian Wilson and the
other surviving members of the group (r)
9.00 Tones, Drones and Arpeggios: The Magic
of Minimalism. The musician and conductor
Charles Hazlewood examines the influence
of Steve Reich and Philip Glass upon the
movement. Contributors include Jarvis Cocker.
See Viewing Guide (2/2)
10.00 Tubular Bells: The Mike Oldfield Story.
An insight into the musician’s life and the
making of his most famous album (r)
11.00 Big Hits: TOTP 1964 to 1975.
Performances from the first years of Top of
the Pops, featuring the Rolling Stones, Peter
Sarstedt, Tom Jones, Stevie Wonder, Julie
Driscoll, Procol Harum and Queen (r)
12.30am Top of the Pops: 1985 (r) 1.00 Classic
Albums (r) 2.00 Tubular Bells: The Mike Oldfield
Story (r) 3.00-4.00 Tones, Drones and
Arpeggios: The Magic of Minimalism (r)
6.00am Hollyoaks (r) (AD) 7.00 Rude(ish) Tube
(r) 7.30 How I Met Your Mother (r) (AD) 8.00
Baby Daddy (r) 9.00 Melissa & Joey (r) 10.00
How I Met Your Mother (r) (AD) 11.00 Brooklyn
Nine-Nine (r) (AD) 12.00 The Goldbergs (r)
(AD) 1.00pm The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
2.00 Melissa & Joey (r) 3.00 Baby Daddy (r)
4.00 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (r) (AD) 5.00 The
Goldbergs. Comedy starring Jeff Garlin (r) (AD)
6.00 The Big Bang Theory. Two shows (r) (AD)
7.00 Hollyoaks. Sienna gets a shock (AD)
7.30 My Hotter Half. Featuring two sisters
8.00 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
8.30 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
9.00 FILM: Identity Thief (15, 2013) An
executive goes in search of the con-woman living
off his credit cards, planning to bring her to
justice personally. Comedy starring Jason
Bateman and Melissa McCarthy (AD)
11.10 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
11.40 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
12.05am First Dates (r) (AD) 1.10 Tattoo
Fixers (r) (AD) 2.15 Naked Attraction (r)
3.10 Timeless (r) 3.50 Rude(ish) Tube (r)
4.15 How I Met Your Mother (r) (AD)
8.55am Food Unwrapped (r) 9.30 A Place in the
Sun: Winter Sun (r) 11.30 Four in a Bed (r)
2.10pm Come Dine with Me (r) 4.20 A Place in
the Sun: Winter Sun (r) 5.20 Walks with My
Dog. With Anna Richardson (r) (AD)
6.30 Crufts 2018. Clare Balding presents from
the event, where the theme of the day is
Jobs with Dogs. Continues on Channel 4
7.30 Grand Designs. Kevin McCloud meets
Francis and Karen Shaw, who are hoping to save
a castle in the Yorkshire Dales (1/8) (r)
9.00 Rough Justice. New series. The body of a
ournalist is found near Antwerp harbour, with
all the clues pointing towards a criminal network
of smugglers. Belgian detective drama.
In Flemish. See Viewing Guide
10.05 24 Hours in A&E. The King’s College
Hospital staff treat patients involved in
serious road accidents (1/6) (r) (AD)
11.05 24 Hours in A&E. Doctors treat an
unresponsive baby with a fever (2/6) (r) (AD)
12.05am Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA.
From Hanson, Massachusetts (r) 1.05 24 Hours
in A&E (r) (AD) 2.10 The Good Fight (r) (AD)
3.10-3.50 8 Out of 10 Cats Uncut (r)
11.00am The Bridges at Toko-Ri (U, 1954)
Korean War adventure starring William Holden
1.05pm Hell Below Zero (U, 1954) Action
adventure starring Alan Ladd 2.50 Dakota (PG,
1945) Western starring John Wayne (b/w) 4.30
Carry On Teacher (U, 1959) Comedy starring
Ted Ray and Kenneth Connor (b/w) (AD)
6.15 The Hunger Games (12, 2012)
A teenage girl in a dystopian future-America is
forced to fight in a televised battle to the death.
Sci-fi adventure based on Suzanne Collins’ novel
starring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson,
Woody Harrelson and Elizabeth Banks (AD)
9.00 A Good Day to Die Hard (12, 2013)
John McClane goes to Moscow and helps his CIA
agent son stop the Russian Mob from stealing
nuclear weapons. Action adventure sequel
starring Bruce Willis and Jai Courtney (AD)
10.55 Fast & Furious 6 (12, 2013) A gang
of fugitives reunites to take down a criminal
syndicate that is aided by a friend they thought
was dead. Action thriller sequel starring
Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson (AD)
1.30am-3.55 The Yards (15, 2000) Crime
drama starring Mark Wahlberg and James Caan
6.00am The Planet’s Funniest Animals (r) 6.20
Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records (r) 7.10
Dress to Impress (r) 7.55 Emmerdale (r) (AD)
8.50 You’ve Been Framed! Gold (r) 9.25 The
Ellen DeGeneres Show (r) 10.15 Who’s Doing
the Dishes? (r) (AD) 11.10 Dress to Impress (r)
12.15pm Emmerdale (r) (AD) 1.15 You’ve Been
Framed! Gold (r) 1.45 The Ellen DeGeneres
Show (r) 2.35 The Jeremy Kyle Show (r)
4.50 Judge Rinder (r) 5.50 Take Me Out (r)
7.00 You’ve Been Framed! Gold. Comical clips (r)
8.00 Two and a Half Men. Jake makes an
important decision about his future (r)
8.30 Two and a Half Men. Walden creates
the perfect proposal atmosphere (r)
9.00 FILM: The Hangover Part III (15,
2013) Drinking buddies Phil, Stu and Alan are
forced by the Mob to track down manic gangster
Mr Chow. Comedy sequel starring Bradley Cooper
11.05 Family Guy. Peter loses interest in Lois,
causing her to gain weight (r) (AD)
11.30 Family Guy (r) (AD) 12.05am American
Dad! (r) (AD) 1.00 Two and a Half Men (r)
1.55 Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records (r)
2.25 Teleshopping 5.55 ITV2 Nightscreen
ITV3
ITV4
Dave
Drama
Yesterday
6.00am Classic Coronation Street (r) 6.50
Heartbeat (r) 7.55 The Royal (r) (AD) 8.55
Judge Judy (r) 10.20 Inspector Morse (r)
12.35pm The Royal (r) (AD) 1.35 Heartbeat (r)
2.40 Classic Coronation Street (r) 3.45 On the
Buses (r) 4.50 You’re Only Young Twice (r)
5.25 Rising Damp (r) 5.55 Heartbeat (r)
7.00 Murder, She Wrote. A gym instructor is
accused of murdering a con artist (r) (AD)
8.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple. A woman
experiences an unsettling vision after moving in
to the home of her dreams. With Russ Abbot
Dawn French and Geraldine Chaplin (r)
10.00 The Good Karma Hospital. Lydia and Ruby
clash over a case involving a nun (r) (AD)
11.00 Lewis. The detective discovers his
favourite rock band are on the verge of a
comeback, but soon suspects they may be mixed
up in the murder of an orphan (4/4) (r) (AD)
1.05am FILM: Chocolat (12, 2000) Drama
with Juliette Binoche, Johnny Depp and Alfred
Molina (AD) 3.05 Life of Crime (r) (AD)
3.55 On the Buses (r) 4.20 Rising Damp (r)
4.45 Judge Judy (r) 5.30 ITV3 Nightscreen
6.00am Football Rivalries (r) 6.10 The Chase
(r) 7.00 Pawn Stars (r) 7.20 Ironside (r) (AD)
8.15 Quincy ME (r) 9.20 Minder (r) (AD) 10.25
The Sweeney (r) 11.30 The Avengers (r)
12.35pm Ironside (r) 1.40 Quincy ME (r)
2.45 Minder (r) (AD) 3.50 The Sweeney (r)
5.00 The Avengers (r) 6.00 Storage Wars (r)
6.30 Storage Wars. Revisiting the most
memorable finds from Storage Wars history (r)
7.00 Pawn Stars. A secret service ID (r)
7.30 Hornblower. The hero’s resourcefulness
turns the tide of a battle (2/2) (r) (AD)
9.30 Live BAMMA. David Haye presents
coverage of BAMMA 34 from the SSE Arena
Wembley, which includes Alex Lohore v Terry
Brazier, Chi Lewis-Parry v Stav Economou
and Tim Barnett v Rhys McKee
11.30 FILM: Reservoir Dogs (18, 1992)
A failed robbery ends in a bloodbath, and as the
criminals lie low they try to work out whether
someone betrayed them. Quentin Tarantino’s
thriller with Harvey Keitel and Tim Roth (AD)
1.35am Fifth Gear (r) 2.25 The Protectors (r)
2.50 ITV4 Nightscreen 3.00 Teleshopping
6.00am Home Shopping 7.10 Scrapheap
Challenge 8.10 American Pickers 9.00 Storage
Hunters UK 10.00 American Pickers 1.00pm
Best of Top Gear (AD) 2.00 Top Gear (AD) 3.00
Abandoned Engineering (AD) 4.00 Road Cops
5.00 Top Gear. With guest Simon Cowell (AD)
6.00 Top Gear. Steven Tyler guests (AD)
7.00 Road Cops. Brawling revellers
7.30 Road Cops. A drunken motorist
8.00 Cops UK: Bodycam Squad. Following the
work of the Staffordshire Police force
9.00 Dynamo: Magician Impossible. The
illusionist visits the World Poker Tour in Venice,
and performs more tricks on the streets (AD)
10.00 Dara O Briain’s Go 8 Bit. Dev Griffin and
Susan Calman play a series of video games
11.00 QI. Stephen Fry hosts, with Alan Davies,
Rory McGrath, Phill Jupitus and Bill Bailey
11.40 Would I Lie to You? Comedy panel show
with Bob Mortimer, Gabby Logan, Katherine
Parkinson and Steve Backshall
12.20am Mock the Week 1.00 QI 1.40
Would I Lie to You? 2.20 Mock the Week
3.00 Suits (AD) 4.00 Home Shopping
7.10am The Bill 8.00 London’s Burning (AD)
9.00 Casualty (AD) 10.00 Bergerac 11.00 The
Bill 12.00 New Tricks (AD) 1.00pm Last of the
Summer Wine 1.40 Bread 2.20 Birds of a
Feather 3.00 London’s Burning (AD)
4.00 New Tricks (AD) 5.00 Bergerac
6.00 Steptoe and Son. Albert hosts a seance
6.40 Last of the Summer Wine. Clegg plans
a quiet birthday lunch at a nice hotel
7.20 Last of the Summer Wine. The pals
encounter an old friend
8.00 Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. New
series. Phryne must perfect her skills as a
dancer when she goes undercover at a notorious
gentleman’s club. Crime drama with Essie Davis
9.00 WPC 56. Gina becomes embroiled in a feud
as she searches for a runaway girl (1/5) (AD)
10.00 Waking the Dead. Feature-length episode.
When a skull is found buried in concrete in a
church crypt, Boyd seeks to find out who it
belongs to and why it is there (2/4)
12.30am The Bill 1.30 Ashes to Ashes
2.30 London’s Burning (AD) 3.35 Garden
Hopping 4.00 Home Shopping
6.00am Coast (AD) 7.10 Pointless 8.00 Time
Team 9.00 Coast (AD) 10.00 Who Do You Think
You Are? (AD) 11.00 Medieval Dead 12.00
Time Team 1.00pm The Hidden River (AD) 2.00
The Life of Mammals 3.00 Coast (AD) 4.00
Medieval Dead 5.00 Royal Murder Mysteries
6.00 After Hitler. Documentary about
the aftermath of the Second World War
7.00 Nazi Victory: The Post-War Plan. Hitler’s
vision of the ideal citizen of the Third Reich,
using breeding programmes and special schools
to promote Aryan racial traits (4/6)
8.00 Who Do You Think You Are? Gary Lineker
studies his ancestors’ lives (AD)
9.00 Blackadder II. Lord Melchett challenges
Edmund to a drinking contest (AD)
9.40 Blackadder II. Edmund and Lord Melchett
are kidnapped. Hugh Laurie guest stars (AD)
10.20 Blackadder the Third. The prime minister
plots to bankrupt the Prince Regent (AD)
11.00 Royal Murder Mysteries. The mysterious
death of the Duke of Kent in 1942
12.00 After Hitler 1.00am Black Ops (AD)
2.00 Time Team 3.00 Home Shopping
ITV Wales
As ITV except: 8.00pm-8.30 Coast & Country.
New series. Ruth Wignall celebrates the
arrival of spring by meeting tulip growers in
Holland and learning how the blooms are
transported to florists across Wales
STV
As ITV except: 8.00pm-8.30 Peter &
Roughie’s Friday Football Show. Peter Martin
and Alan Rough round up the latest Scottish
Premiership action and preview the coming
weekend’s football 1.25am Teleshopping 2.25
After Midnight 3.25 Tenable (r) 4.15 ITV
Nightscreen 4.35 The Jeremy Kyle Show
(r) 5.30-6.00 Teleshopping
UTV
As ITV except: 8.00pm-8.30 UTV Life.
Pamela Ballantine eases viewers into the
weekend with an entertaining and eclectic
mix of stories and studio guests 1.25am
Teleshopping 2.55-3.00 ITV Nightscreen
BBC Alba
5.00pm Pàdraig Post: SDS (Postman Pat: SDS)
5.15 Zack & Quack (r) 5.35 Charlie is Lola
(Charlie and Lola) (r) 5.50 Seonaidh (Shaun the
Sheep) (r) 5.55 Alvinnn agus na Chipmunks (r)
6.10 Fior Bhall-coise (Extreme Football) (r)
6.35 Machair (r) 7.00 An Là (News) 7.25
Fraochy Bay (r) 7.30 From Harris with Love:
Chi mi’n Tir (r) 8.00 Oran na Mna (r) 8.30
Cuimhneachan (Remembrance) (r)
9.00 Agus a’nochd (Na h-Entertainers) (r)
10.00 “rain nan Gàidheal (r) 11.00 Rathad
na Deighe (Ice Road Rescuers) (r) 11.4512.00 Ceòl bho Perthshire Amber (r)
S4C
6.00am Cyw 12.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd
12.05pm Cymoedd Roy Noble (r) 12.30 Lloyd
Macey (r) 1.30 Wil ac Aeron: Taith yr Alban (r)
2.00 News 2.05 Prynhawn Da 3.00 News S4C
a’r Tywydd 3.05 Pengelli (r) 3.30 Tu Hwnt i’r
Tymbl (r) 4.00 Awr Fawr 5.00 Stwnsh: Ffeil
5.05 Fideo Fi (r) 5.25 SpynjBob Pantsgwâr (r)
5.35 Cog1nio (r) 6.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd
6.05 Cwpwrdd Dillad (r) 6.30 Celwydd Noeth
(r) 7.00 Heno 8.00 Pobol y Cwm. Catrin takes
revenge on Non (AD) 8.25 Codi Hwyl. John
Pierce Jones and Dilwyn Morgan journey around
the Scottish coast 9.00 News 9 a’r Tywydd
9.30 Jonathan. Reflections on Wales v Italy
10.30-11.35 Parch. A year’s passing brings
change for the Rev Myfanwy Elfed (r) (AD)
18
1G T
Friday March 9 2018 | the times
MindGames
1
2
7
3
4
Codeword No 3279
5
6
3
8
23
13
23
10
6
14
12
13
14
16
17
14
8
10
1
23
15
17
17
18
11
24
8
13
9
24
10
24
5
Train Tracks No 351
7
14
4
5
11
18
8
21
14
1
17
10
18
16
5
7
6
14
18
5
5
8
23
4
6
26
4
16
16
2
22
14
13
16
15
21
16
6
5
21
10
6
21
© PUZZLER MEDIA
times2 Crossword No 7595
1
5
3
3
2
6
2
4
6
5
2
4
5
13
21
3
A
18
18
10
14
14
5
6
1
25
N
24
19
20
21
23
9
9
5
10
4
23
10
19
4
14
U
22
9
24
2
24
1
13
B
16
12
20
20
Across
7
8
9
10
11
Have a foul smell (4)
Grow healthily (8)
Distant military camps (8)
Skin opening (4)
International organisation
(6)
13 Central leaf vein (6)
15 Most recent (6)
Solution to Crossword 7594
I S T HMUS
E U P S
ACCE S S H
O
E A
KN I GH T ED
D O
E
B L OODS
L
D Y
F E E S S T U
T M T R
S T R I V E G
E
T R E
ARCH
E S
7
7
14
14
13
14
24
10
14
16
12
14
10
B
24
ME S
E H
ORR I
R V
I DE
M R
HED
N M
N TMA
N
ERB I
O A
S ENC
H
D
A
N
L
E
17 Write down (music) (6)
19 Work for two (4)
21 Number of golf holes (8)
23 Internal parasite (8)
24 Very dry (4)
16
10
4
21
18
23
4
13
16
1
2
3
4
5
6
Need help with today’s puzzle? Call 0906 757 7188 to check the
answers. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
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clue-solving challenge
14
15
16
17
18
19
9
10
11
12
13
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
Win a Dictionary & Thesaurus
Fill the grid so
that every
column, every
row and every
3x2 box contains
the digits 1 to 6
N
B
Every letter in this crossword-style grid has been substituted for a number
from 1 to 26. Each letter of the alphabet appears in the grid at least once. Use
the letters already provided to work out the identity of further letters. Enter
letters in the main grid and the smaller reference grid until all 26 letters of the
alphabet have been accounted for. Proper nouns are excluded.
Yesterday’s solution, right
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Lexica No 4169
A
R
M
E
N
D
I
D
E
B
A
L
I
T
I
E
M
R
C
P
I
A
O
H
L
E
S
O
T
W
E
R
V
E
Winners will receive a Collins English Dictionary & Thesaurus
Solve the puzzle and text in the numbers in the three
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No 4170
D
G
See today’s News section
Lay tracks to enable the train to travel from village A to
village B. The numbers indicate how many sections of rail
go in each row and column. There are only straight rails
and curved rails. The track cannot cross itself.
21
8
E
Try our new word puzzle
23
7
U
1 One back after a long
absence (8)
2 Giraffe relatives (6)
3 Mysterious objects (4)
4 Scandinavian (8)
5 (Of cloth) loosely arranged
(6)
6 Russian emperor (4)
12 At work (2,3,3)
14 Fearless, adventurous (8)
16 Main course (6)
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13
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N
Slide the letters either horizontally or vertically back into the grid to produce
a completed crossword. Letters are allowed to slide over other letters
KenKen Difficult No 4271
Futoshiki No 3125
Kakuro No 2084
>
2
© 2010 KENKEN PUZZLE & TM NEXTOY. DIST. BY UFS, INC. WWW.KENKEN.COM
< 3
All the digits 1 to 6 must appear in every row and column. In
each thick-line “block”, the target number in the top lefthand corner is calculated from the digits in all the cells in the
block, using the operation indicated by the symbol.
16
>
13
∨
6
29
4
7
11
27
28
4
21
17
14
39
∨
<
16
16
16
3
17
30
27
8
12
3
4
6
4
Fill the blank squares so that every row and column contains
each of the numbers 1 to 5 once only. The symbols between
the squares indicate whether a number is larger (>) or
smaller (<) than the number next to it.
8
24
35
∨
Fill the grid using
the numbers 1 to 9
only. The numbers
in each horizontal
or vertical run of
white squares add
up to the total in
the triangle to its
left or above it.
The same number
may occur more
than once in a row
or column, but not
within the same
run of white
squares.
12
12
22
15
24
37
7
6
26
4
4
25
11
17
19
14
© PUZZLER MEDIA
23
the times | Friday March 9 2018
19
1G T
MindGames
A new book, First Steps 1 e4 e5 by
John Emms (Everyman Chess)
teaches the instructive basics of
how to handle open games that
begin with 1 e4 e5. Every aspiring
player should start their chessboard career by trying such openings, as the early free flow of
pieces gives good insight into
essential tactics. Today’s game
revolves around a sharp gambit
for White in the ever popular Ruy
Lopez.
White: Ilya Gurevich
Black: John Nunn
Hastings 1992/93
Ruy Lopez
1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Bb5 a6 4 Ba4
Nf6 5 0-0 Be7 6 Re1 b5 7 Bb3 0-0
8 d4 Nxd4 9 Nxd4 exd4 10 e5
Not 10 Qxd4, which is met by
10 ... c5 followed by ... c4, trapping
the white bishop. This device is
the so-called Noah’s Ark trap.
10 ... Ne8 11 c3
Gurevich continues in gambit
style. Note that 11 Qxd4 is also
possible here as the Noah’s Ark
trap doesn’t work. After 11 ... c5,
the reply 12 Qe4 threatens the
rook on a8 and buys White time.
11 ... dxc3 12 Nxc3
White’s pieces are very active
and can be improved further with
moves such as Qf3, Bf4, Rad1 and
Nd5.
12 ... d6 13 Nd5 Be6 14 Qf3 Rc8
15 Bf4 Bg5
15 ... dxe5 is an improvement,
although after 16 Nxe7+ Qxe7 17
Bxe5 Nd6 18 Qc3 Qg5 19 Bxe6
fxe6 20 b3 Qg6 21 Qc6 White still
had a small advantage in another
grandmaster game, Leko-Aronian,
Jermuk 2009.
16 Rad1
Gurevich simply brings his final
piece into the game and increases
the pressure.
16 ... Kh8 17 Bc2
________
á Dr1n4 i]
àD 0 Dp0p]
ßpD 0bD D]
ÞDpDN) g ]
Ý D D G D]
ÜD D DQD ]
ÛP)BD )P)]
ÚD DR$ I ]
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ
Now Black has to worry about
potential attacks on the h7-pawn.
17 ... f5
Moving the f-pawn is often
loaded with risk due to the weaknesses it creates and this is yet
another example. 17 ... g6 would
have been a better way to block
the bishop’s attack on h7.
18 Qh5 h6 19 Bxg5 Qxg5 20
Qxg5 hxg5 21 Ne7
White threatens the rook on c8
and also a fork with Ng6+. Black
cannot prevent both threats.
21 ... Kh7 22 exd6 cxd6 23 Nxc8
Bxc8 24 Re7 g4 25 Bb3 Kg6 26
Rc1 Nf6 27 Rcc7 d5 28 Rxg7+
Kh6 29 Rgf7 Re8 30 Rce7 Black
resigns
White doesn’t fall for Nunn’s
last trick, which was 30 Rxf6+?
Kg5, when Black threatens the
rook and also a back rank mate.
Following 30 ... Rxe7 31 Rxe7,
White’s rook will start attacking
and capturing pawns, e.g. 31 ... f4
32 Rc7 Bf5 33 Rc6 Kg5 34 Rxa6.
________
árD D 4kD] Winning Move
àDb0nDpgp]
ßpDp0qDpD] White to play. This position is from
Bundesliga 2018.
ÞD D D G ] Naiditsch-Hansen,
Black’s position is somewhat
Ý D )PD D] uncoordinated but it took an accurate
ÜD D DNH ] sequence from White to exploit this to the
ÛP) D )P)] full. How did he continue?
ÚD $Q$ I ] For up-to-the-minute information, follow
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ my tweets on twitter.com/times_chess.
♥4 3
♦K 4 2
♣ KQ
♣AKJ7
♣62
Open 2♥ with the first and 2NT
with the second. The third is a
completely different hand-type: a
Weak Two.
While it is sensible (and intuitive) to play Strong Twos when
starting bridge, you may switch to
Weak Twos when you become
more accomplished (they happen
far more often). Playing Strong
Twos (as we shall assume), you’ll
have to pass with the third hand.
(You can’t play both: you have to
agree with partner which type to
play beforehand.)
Note, 2NT is always strong
(whether you play the two-of-asuit bids as Weak or Strong).
Although I have said the 2NT
opener shows 20+, we’ll learn that
in fact it shows 20-22. I have also
said a 2♣ opener shows 20+ points
with good clubs, however we’ll
learn later that a 2♣ opener is a
special, universally-played convention that says nothing about
clubs, instead showing any hand
with 23+ points. (This is why the
2NT opener shows no more than
22 points.)
Let’s not worry about these finer
MEDIUM
31 x 3 + 85
HARDER
7/
11
OF IT
+9
♣10 8 ♠ AQ 4 ♣9 7 6 3
♥K J 3
♦Q J 3
♣AQ J 4
S
W
N
E
2NT(1) Pass
7NT(2)
End
(1) 20-22 points and a balanced hand.
(2) North bids for all 13 tricks, a grand slam,
because he knows the partnership are missing at most three points.
andrew.robson@thetimes.co.uk
+8
+ 1/2
OF IT
x 2 + 34
+ 1/4
OF IT
5/
6
OF IT
÷ 15
SQUARE
IT
7/
8
+ 68
OF IT
+ 667
+ 1/2
OF IT
– 777
+ 13 x 3
20%
OF IT
+ 89
5/
12
+ 879
OF IT
2 4
2
3
8
2 2 4
3
2
5
10
Polygon
Divide the grid
into square or
rectangular
blocks, each
containing one
digit only.
Every block
must contain
the number of
cells indicated
by the digit
inside it.
2
Set Square No 2087
© PUZZLER MEDIA
From these letters, make words of four
or more letters, always including the
central letter. Answers must be in the
Concise Oxford Dictionary, excluding
capitalised words, plurals, conjugated
verbs (past tense etc), adverbs ending in
LY, comparatives and superlatives.
How you rate 15 words, average;
20, good; 25, very good; 31, excellent
Killer Moderate No 5902
6
13
24
8
14
28
4
15
12
3
19
20
12
22
4
7
11
3
14
3
23
7
22
14
15
17
20
5
56min
18
3
17
23
24
21
9
T ROU S E
T
P
A
L E T T E R
O O
E
NOMA D
A
O
B E NUMB
E
R
A POS T L
T
E
I
D E T E RM
E
E
R
D A R K
4
7
9
8
2
3
1
5
6
9
6
8
4
3
2
1
7
5
1
9
2
4
8
6
7
3
5
20
9
7
16
21
21
18
20
11
14
x
+
+
6
÷
25
8
16
As with standard Sudoku, fill the grid so that every
column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the
digits 1 to 9. Each set of cells joined by dotted lines
must add up to the target number in its top-left corner.
Within each set of cells joined by dotted lines, a digit
cannot be repeated.
=1
=
42
=
11
1
3
8
5
6
4
2
9
7
5
2
6
7
1
9
8
3
4
3
9
7
2
5
1
6
4
8
8
5
1
6
4
7
3
2
9
T E P
H
U
E C T
I
R
R S E
F
S S Y
P
A C T
N
E
I ON
E
S
L L E
OCCU P
U O U
T AN
P
R
V
S
UN I T
N
C
C
T RO
C
E
R
UND E R
R
I
A VO I D
T
A O
E F F OR
Y
R E
X
AC
E
OP
T
P I
O
AN
T
Set Square 2086
2
6
4
9
3
8
5
7
1
9
1
2
3
7
6
4
8
5
7
3
1
8
5
6
4
9
2
5
4
2
9
1
7
8
3
6
2
1
4
5
8
9
7
6
3
7
4
5
1
8
2
9
6
3
6
8
3
4
9
5
7
1
2
6
x
2
+
1
4
+
3
+
+
+
8
x
+
7
÷
+
8
7
9
6
2
3
5
1
4
4
2
7
1
6
8
3
5
9
1
8
6
3
9
5
2
4
7
3
9
5
2
7
4
6
8
1
4
6
7
9
5
3
2
8
1
3
5
8
7
1
2
4
9
6
9
8
3
5
2
4
6
1
7
6
2
5
1
9
7
3
4
8
7
1
4
3
6
8
9
5
2
5
7
6
8
4
9
1
2
3
8
3
9
2
7
1
5
6
4
2
4
1
6
3
5
8
7
9
7
4
1
2
6
9
3
8
5
8
9
5
4
7
3
2
1
6
6
2
3
1
5
8
4
9
7
3
8
6
9
1
2
5
7
4
1
7
2
3
4
5
8
6
9
4
5
9
6
8
7
1
3
2
2
6
7
5
3
1
9
4
8
9
1
4
8
2
6
7
5
3
5
3
8
7
9
4
6
2
1
8
5
3
9
6
1
2
7
4
1
4
7
3
8
2
6
9
5
9
2
6
4
3
5
7
8
1
7
8
4
1
9
6
5
3
2
3
1
5
7
2
8
4
6
9
Killer 5901
2
3
9
6
7
4
1
5
8
5
6
8
2
1
3
9
4
7
4
7
1
8
5
9
3
2
6
6
9
2
5
4
7
8
1
3
S T A
W
M I E
L
T I V
G
S H I
T
N
T
B
C E
A
J UD
N Z A
O
I
R E S
L
A T E
P
S
P
R Q
O F U
V
A
I NK
N
E
GE D
7 9
9 8 6
7
3 7 9
1 9 8
1 3
2 5
1 3
2 4 3
5 1
÷
1 4
2 3
1
1
2 5
3 1
1
3
3 8
9 7
5 6
4
2
1
8
3
3 1
1 5 2
3 1
4 7
7 9
2 8 9
1 6 7
3
5 2 1
1 3
4
3
3
9
Train Tracks 350
1
Quintagram
1 Chile
2 Aloof
3 Jaguar
4 Stumped
5 Ted Hughes
5
3
2
4
4
3
2
6
3
4
2
x
5
5
1
9
8
6
A
5
9
1
B
D
6
5
3
7
4
1
9
2
8
Kakuro 2083
Codeword 3278
R S
S
E
P E R F
E
E
A D V E
T
E
B R A
F
B
E
E X
L
R
I N A T
N
T
E V E I
E
T
S
C
T
A
U
I
A
A
Y
R
P
V
O
Y
M
D
3
4
5
5
1
∨
2 < 4 > 3
3
4
2
∧
5
KenKen 4270
E
G
L
U
H
X
E
A
P
L
C
L
L
Suko 2180
4
4 > 1
W
U
Futoshiki 3124
1
∧
3
T
N
D
2
N
O
D
1
5
∧
2 < 3
Cell Blocks 3161
Lexica 4168
E
A
5
2
1
Brain Trainer
Easy 66
Medium 202
Harder 2,919
3
3
4
3 4
2
6
4
2
5
2
2
3
4
2
Word watch
Plothering (c)
Raining heavily
(Midlands dialect)
Pother (a) A cloud
of dust or smoke
Plew (c) A
beaver skin, a
unit of value in
the fur trade
Chess
1 d5! cxd5 2 Rxc7
threatens the
bishop and also,
potentially, the
knight on d7.
Black has no
good reply, eg, 2
... Nc5 3 b4 Nxe4
4 Rxb7 or 2 ... Bc8
3 exd5 Qg4 4 Re4
trapping the queen
Killer 5900
10
= 72
Solutions
Sudoku 9716
13
x
Lexica 4167
10
9
x
-
from 1 to 9 in
the grid, so
that the six
sums work.
We’ve placed
two numbers
to get you
started. Each
sum should be
calculated left
to right or top
to bottom.
-
Please note, BODMAS does not apply
Sudoku 9715
Killer Deadly No 5903
= 120 the numbers
+
=
11
Sudoku 9714
7
Enter each of
x
+
Quick Cryptic 1043
20
7
15
16
11min
x
1
Yesterday’s answers dense, desi,
design, diss, edginess, esse, genesis,
gens, gneiss, needs, ness, sedge, seed,
seeing, seine, seise, send, sene, sense,
sensei, side, siege, sign, signed, signee,
sine, sing, singe, snide, snig
Contract: 7NT, Opening Lead: ♦10
Declarer wins West’s ♦10 lead
and counts 12 top tricks: ♠ AKQ,
♥AK, ♣AKQJ and ♦AKQ (♦J
will fall under a higher diamond).
He has two chances of a 13th:
guessing which opponent holds
♥Q or the opposing spades splitting 3-3, yielding him a long spade.
It is clear to test the spades first.
If they fail to split 3-3, he will have
to decide which opponent to
finesse (more on this technique
soon) for ♥ Q. When declarer
cashes ♠ AQ and crosses to ♠ K,
oh joy, both opponents follow. He
can cash ♠ 7. All his top tricks follow swiftly thereafter and that is 13
tricks and grand slam made, for
which he and his happy partner
earn a handsome scoring bonus.
x2
184 + 578 x 4 – 556
details (yet). For now, 2♣, 2♦, 2♥
and 2♠ show 20 or more points
and five or more cards. Simples.
Opening bids at the one-level Dealer: South, Vulnerability: Neither
show 12-19 points. With 20+ points
♠K 7 3 2
(that’s at least half the total high♥A 10 2
card points), open at the two-level.
♦A K 6
With a balanced hand, open 2NT;
♣K 5 2
with an unbalanced hand, open
♠ 10 8 5
♠J 9 6
N
Two of your longest suit.
♥8 6 5
♥Q 9 7 4
W E
♠2
♠K J 3
♠ KQ 10 9 8 2
♦10 9 8 5 4 S
♦7 2
♥A K J 10 4 2 ♥A J
♦A K 8 2
♦K J 4 2
22
17
Bridge Andrew Robson
Beginner Corner 46
Opening at the Two Level
EASY
ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER
Open Games
Cell Blocks No 3162
Brain Trainer
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Chess Raymond Keene
Quiz
1 Toothache 2 The Bastille 3 Leicestershire 4 Don
Draper 5 Tony Bennett 6 Saul 7 Wonder Woman (aka
Princess Diana or Diana Prince) 8 Idina Menzel
9 Ankara 10 Vespasian 11 Omaha beach 12 The Good
Woman of Setzuan or The Good Person of Szechwan
13 Charles J Guiteau. He shot US president James A
Garfield 14 Lewis Hamilton 15 Sally Gunnell. She won
the 400m hurdles Olympic title in 1992
09.03.18
MindGames
Mild No 9717
Fill the grid so that every
column, every row and
every 3x3 box contains
the digits 1 to 9.
Difficult No 9718
3
5 7 9
Word watch
Josephine
Balmer
1
6
3
9
9 6
4
7
1 2
7
Plothering
a On the wing
b Turning over soil
c Raining heavily
Pother
a A dust cloud
b A drill
c To fuss
3 4
6
9
8
1
9 5
8
8
5 6 1
8
5
2
6
9
6
5
1
5
1
2
9
8
The Times Daily Quiz Olav Bjortomt
7
5
7
2 1
6
Suko No 2180
Magnificent Eleven,
depicts US troops
landing on which
D-Day beach?
2 Building ordered by
Charles V began on
which Paris fortressprison on April 22, 1370?
3 Market Harborough,
Loughborough, and
Hinckley are towns in
which county?
12 The poor but
warmhearted prostitute
Shen Te is the title
character of which
Bertolt Brecht play?
15
4 Dick Whitman is the
real name of which lead
character in Mad Men?
5 Who won the 1963
record of the year
Grammy for I Left My
Heart in San Francisco?
6 According to the Old
Testament, which son
of Kish was the first
king of Israel?
7 Which DC Comics
superheroine was found
living on Paradise Island
by Steve Trevor?
Mausoleum, the Hittite
Sun Course Monument
and the Column of Julian?
8 Voicing Elsa, which
former wife of Taye
Diggs sang Let It Go in
the film Frozen?
10 Lindsey Davis’s Marcus
Didius Falco novels
are set during the reign
of which 1st-century
Roman emperor?
9 Which Turkish city
features the Ataturk
11 Robert Capa’s
photograph series, The
13 In 1881, which
assassin said: “I am
a Stalwart of the
Stalwarts. [Chester A]
Arthur is president now.”?
14 Which British driver
holds the Formula One
record for most career
points (2,610)?
15 Which retired
Olympic champion
is pictured?
Answers on page 19
Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the
spaces so that the number in each
circle is equal to the sum of the four
surrounding spaces, and each colour
total is correct
The Times Quick Cryptic No 1044 by Mara
1
2
3
8
4
5
7
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
6
20
Across
1 Dwell on team (6)
4 Figures in various phases (6)
8 Inevitably — but not now?
(6,2,5)
10 Item at auction, American
flower (5)
11 As quickly as possible, lying
down (4,3)
12 Lacking feeling in end of toe,
still (11)
16 New crack found in toilet, way
back (4,3)
17 Small instrument out of tune
(5)
18 Check flower is forming anew
(13)
19 Sea with a unifying idea (6)
20 Note singer voiced (6)
Down
1 Some nightmare’s ultimate
consequences (6)
2 Perks I slam, not terribly fair
(13)
3 Gown kept in padre’s
sideboard (5)
5
6
7
9
13
14
15
17
5
4
1
6
5
2 7
REX/SHUTTERSTOCK
1 Dentalgia is another
term for which pain?
8
2
4
Cluelines Stuck on Sudoku, Killer or KenKen? Call 0901 322 5005 before midnight to receive four clues for any of today’s
puzzles. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
Answers on page 19
9
3
6
2
Plew
a A lucky escape
b To fall from the sky
c A unit of value
9
6
3
8
1
Fiendish No 9719
4
3 2
PUZZLER MEDIA
Sudoku
Found in large room, ancient
bag (7)
Travelling, stop later on: it’s a
place to fill up (6,7)
Supernatural being tormented
priest (6)
Not at work, a shade ill (3-6)
Share last of sugar in the can,
freely (7)
Red — Irish county Marxist,
ultimately (6)
Frenchman turning up after
work, the first in? (6)
Utter shambles? (5)
Yesterday’s solution on page 19
3 9
5 1
9 6
7 2 6
8 2 5
3 7 1
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