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The Times Times 2 - 16 March 2018

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ARTS
March 16 | 2018
Alison
Balsom
The new boss at
Cheltenham Music
Festival
PLUS
SXSW, the only
place to be seen
(this week)
2
1G T
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
times2
Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
10
UP
Penises
To Iceland, where a very “Iceland
problem” reared
head,
d iits h
d so to
speak, on Monday. “This is NOT the
penis museum,” a sign on a building
in Reykjavik states. “Go back to
Laugavegur (the street), turn left . . .
and walk 20 metres. It will be on the
same side. You can’t miss it. It has a
big penis logo. Sincerely, the people
who work here.”
Tired of lost, confused tourists
appearing at their offices, the
neighbours of the Icelandic
Phallological Museum posted the
notice on their door, then watched,
bemused, as a photo of it went viral.
CW has to say that, now it’s
gone viral, it feels a line of merch
would be most welcome, particularly
a T-shirt with “This is NOT the penis
museum” on it. Ladies, we’ve all felt
like this at some point, huh?
9
UP
Sexual
fluidity
Another week, another piece of
research. This one suggests that no
one’s sexuality is 100 per cent straight
or gay and that we all sit somewhere
on a kinky continuum. Indeed, perhaps
the reason we’re sitting on the kinky
continuum is that we secretly want it
to go up our bum! It’s just a suggestion.
CW is trying to say what it sees.
Anyway. This research — in a new
book by Ritch Savin-Williams called
Mostly Straight: Sexual Fluidity Among
Men — was reported in great depth
by the Daily Mail. It claims that when
shown gay pornography, men who
identified as “100 per cent straight”
still registered “an indicator of sexual
arousal” — the dilation of the pupil.
Although this confirms CW’s deeply
scientific theory that sexy stuff is sexy,
it’s not so much concerned with the
idea as the Mail readers’ reaction. The
comments were a cornucopia — a
hornucopia, perhaps — of suspiciously
angry heterosexual rebuttal. CW can’t
work out whether its favourite quote is
the wonderfully unwitting, “When I
was at sea I went out with men —
then on leave I went out with my wife!
I know which way I swing!!”, or the 100
per cent Partridge of: “WRONG. I’m a
straight male and I have NEVER been
aroused by a man. Not gonna happen.
I don’t even like looking at men —
unless I have to in a business context.”
6
DOWN
Cheryl
Thingyfromgirlsaloud
8
DOWN
Zayn Malik
Sad times in the world of young love.
The One Direction alumnus Zayn
Malik has split with his girlfriend, the
supermodel Gigi Hadid, and despite
them both vowing to “remain friends
for ever”, Malik is left with a problem:
he has a tattoo of Hadid’s eyes on his
chest. CW has come up with a way he
can alter said tattoo, thus avoiding the
pain of people coming up to him on
the beach/in the one working shower
at Park Road leisure centre, London
N8, and saying: “Is that Gigi Hadid’s
eyes tatted on your tits? Awkward!”
For now, they’ll be too busy saying:
“Oh, man, is that Elton John tatted
on your tits? Weird!” instead.
7
Awkward times for Cheryl
Thingyfromgirlsaloud
(née Tweedy, then Cole,
then Fernandez-Versini)
— the Prince of Wales
has thrown shade at
how many names she has
cycled though. “Who’s
Cheryl Tweedy?” he
mused at the Prince’s
Trust awards last week,
when giving a speech that
mentioned her. “I thought
to myself some time ago,
‘Who’s Cheryl Tweedy?’ I
realised I knew the Cheryl
bit, but missed out on the
Tweedy. I can’t keep up.”
Although the press were
sympathetic about this gentle
joke — “Cheryl ridiculed by
royalty over failed marriages,”
New! tactfully surmised — CW
saw it as the moment when it
became imperative for Cheryl
to sort out her long-running
problem. Officially, at the
moment, she’s “just Cheryl” —
which is the name she releases
records under — but CW can
confirm that this isn’t working.
How she’s actually referred to
is: “Cheryl. You know. Cheryl
Thingy, from Girls Aloud.”
Might CW suggest, then
— given that Cheryl needs
a surname — that she names
herself after her charity,
Cheryl’s Trust. “Cheryl Trust”
has a lovely ring to it. It’s free
brand awareness every time
anyone writes about her and
a couple of tabloids might get
confused and think that
she’s now called that
because she has secretly
married the Prince’s Trust.
5
UP
Khloé Kardashian
UP
Julian Casablancas
Khloé Kardashian, who
is expecting her first
child, has said that she
won’t let it watch her
family’s show, Keeping Up
With the Kardashians,
“until she’s a teenager”.
Wise words. If the little
Kardashian were to
watch the show, she’d
be led to believe that
the way all teenage
girls mature into
women is through
a biological
process whereby
you lose 2st yet
gain a gigantic
bum, wake up on
your 18th birthday
with a new nose/
lips and spend
your life eating
massive salads,
decorating houses
and crying.
Fans of rock stars talking mad balls —
a dwindling pleasure in this mediatrained age — were delighted when
the frontman of the Strokes told
Rolling Stone magazine: “People
thought that the internet would lead
to more information and more truth.
It’s the opposite. People are
way less informed. It’s dark.”
He also stated that it
took Jimi Hendrix years
to be acclaimed. “He
should have been bigger.
He didn’t have hits.”
When the interviewer
pointed out that Electric
Ladyland went to No 1
in the US, Casablancas
replied: “I don’t know.
I thought he had no
commercial success.”
CW would advise
Casablancas to actually try
the internet at some point.
If he googled “Jimi Hendrix”
he could be totally informed.
4
DOWN
Katie Price
“Buy Katie’s manky
old stuff on eBay!”
the headline in Heat
tempted — having
found the official
eBay account of
the reality TV star
Katie Price where
she flogs unwanted
and “pre-loved”
possessions to fans.
“Armani unisex
white baby vest
bodysuit,” one
listing ran. The
accompanying
picture showed a
baby-gro that was,
not to put too fine a
point on it, in need of
a good going-over
with some Vanish
and a nailbrush.
The response from internet buyers
was universally disparaging: “Couldn’t
you of at least got your housekeeper to
iron it first?”; “I wouldn’t want to buy
a knackered and filthy baby grow but
thanks for the offer”; and the eternally
succinct, “Nah.” The listing for the
potential duster has been removed.
Obviously, the whole point of being
a reality TV star is that you wash
your dirty linen in public. CW
guesses that it’s a more fully realised
understanding of the whole hustle
economy if you actually sell your dirty
linen in public as well.
3
DOWN
The Fuzzy
Duck range
CW understands that, as we hurtle
through an age of unparalleled
consumer choice, one big problem is
going to hit us time and time again:
we are running out of names to call
things. All the good names for things
— such as Funny Feet ice lollies, the
game Hungry Hippos, the country
song Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through
the Goal Posts of Life) — have been
used up and anyone inventing
a product in 2018 is going to be
scrabbling around among some
frankly second-rate options just
to have something to write on
the packaging.
The latest product to catch
CW’s eye appears in a series
of full-page adverts in the
national press alerting the
world to the newest range
from Baylis & Harding:
the Fuzzy Duck collection
of shampoo, shower gel
and body balm.
Now perhaps it’s
because
CW was brought
b
up
u by a father who was
an
a inveterate spoonerist, but
CW’s
immediate response to the
C
Fuzzy
Duck range was to ponder:
F
“Do
you really want to name a
“
product
that will inevitably be
p
referred to as ‘Does he f***?’ by
shelf-stackers across the country?
the times | Friday March 16 2018
3
1G T
times2
2
UP
Martin Kemp
CW presumes you have been
watching The Great Celebrity
Bake Off on Channel 4
since it is one of the
most reliably great TV
formats ever created.
When it was on the
BBC the episode
in which Michael
Sheen made a pork
pie became one of
the clips that CW
keeps in a folder
on its laptop, entitled
“Open in Event of
Emotional Emergency”,
1
UP
Richard Dawkins’s
cannibal deli
In any given week there are at least
half a dozen stories that make the
onlooker clutch their knees and go:
“I try to be positive, like Julie Andrews
in The Sound of Music, but sometimes
the modern world makes it so hard!
I’m having to think about raindrops
on roses and whiskers on kittens
24/7 just to get through the day.”
First there was the Daily Mail
headline: “ ‘What man would have
knocked it back?’ Father-of-three, 38,
convicted over oral sex on train after
a woman with a ‘mad body’ started
masturbating reveals WHY he cleaned
himself up with Coca-Cola”. A story
that CW felt secure in not reading
further; content that it had learnt all
it could ever need to know about the
story from the headline.
Then there was Donald Trump’s
announcement in the middle of a
speech, one seemingly not run past
anyone else beforehand, that he was
considering launching a new branch
of the American military. “Maybe we
need a new force — we’ll call it the
Space Force. What a great idea! Maybe
we’ll have to do that. That could
happen,” he riffed.
It was like Alan Partridge pitching
ideas for TV shows that would clearly
never be made, and following Monkey
Tennis with a sci-fi series entitled
Space Force — Gettin’ the Squad
Together!, in which a visionary
president called Tonald Drump
assembles a Space Force of
unlikely men (all men, all
white), whom he then fires,
one by one, before the end
of the show.
But towering above all of
them as this week’s “Hello?
Hello? Who is in charge of
humanity, please, because
it feels like the experiment
is going quite badly
wrong?” was the latest
scheme of the professional
controversialist Richard
Dawkins, who suggested
that we might solve
the ethical problems
around farming and
eating animals by growing
human meat in a lab.
so uplifting, and eventually lifeaffirming, is his battle with a
hot-water pie crust.
And so to this year’s show, where
Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet
was charged, in round one, with
creating 24 iced biscuits arranged
in a tableau to depict “the
greatest day of my life” and
made a snack-based Live Aid.
“That’s Spandau, on stage,” he
explained. “Some of the biscuits
are thicker than others,” he
continued, as the camera
focused on the biscuit
depicting the lead singer, Tony
Hadley, who had a fraught
relationship with both his
weight and Martin Kemp.
“Anyway, he left the band
— so I’m eating him,”
Kemp continued, shoving
the biscuit in his mouth
and swaggering away.
“Tissue culture ‘clean meat’ . . . I’ve
long been looking forward to this,” he
tweeted about successful experiments
to grow “meat” from cells in a lab.
However, “what if human meat is
grown?” he asked. “Could we
overcome our taboo against
cannibalism? An interesting test case
of consequentialist morality versus
‘yuck reaction’ absolutism.”
Now CW is all for blue-sky,
crazy-ass, f***-it-all thinking. This
is what made humanity great —
daring to dream that one day we may,
for example, turn committing suicide
into a “fun holiday activity” by adding
a length of elastic and calling it
“bungee jumping”. We’re good at
throwing ourselves a curve ball.
But it doesn’t feel that what the
world needs now — at a time when
we’re wrestling with Russia, Syria,
Brexit, Time’s Up, American children
going on strike to prevent themselves
being shot in their classrooms and
Noel Edmonds claiming that cancer is
caused by a “negative attitude” (which,
if it is the case, gives CW legal grounds
to sue Edmonds, should it develop
cancer, on the basis that Noel’s House
Party made it very, very depressed) —
is Dawkins suggesting that we all start
consuming futuristic man meat at a
giant cannibal buffet. Reject sausages
for Sue-sages. It’s not McDonald’s any
more. It’s just Donald.
Of course humanity needs to start
producing meat-ish things without
involving living creatures — we’re
running out of room for them and
there’s something vaguely creepy
about being outnumbered by cows.
Once they work out what shoes are
made of — “Our bums? Guys, that’s
just needlessly hurtful” — they’re
going to be furious.
But CW would beg Dawkins
to hold off from testing the
consequentialist morality versus
“yuck reaction” absolutism of
shepherd’s pies made of real
shepherd because we’re all kind
of busy, and to try some
Quorn nuggets instead.
Just until “things calm
down a bit”.
It doesn’t feel that
humanity getting a
taste for man flesh
would be terribly
helpful. STOP
INVENTING
ZOMBIE
PRECURSORS,
RICHARD
DAWKINS.
The hot list
What to do this weekend
Film
The Square
From the director of Force
Majeure, Ruben Östlund,
comes this dazzling, outrageous
art-world satire that won the
Palme d’Or at Cannes last
year. Claes Bang (The Bridge)
and Elisabeth Moss (The
Handmaid’s Tale) star.
See review p10. On general release
Theatre
The Cherry Orchard
The playwright Rory Mullarkey’s
new translation of Chekhov’s
brilliant final play is a winner:
sharp, bittersweet and funny.
Jude Owusu (left, with Kirsty
Bushell) is exceptional as
Lopakhin. Bristol Old Vic (0117
987 7877), tonight and tomorrow
Pop
Sigrid
The Nordic pop star whose
song Don’t Kill My Vibe was the
hit of summer 2017 continues to
find the space between cool
indie and pure pop.
Motion, Bristol (0117 972 3111),
tomorrow
Exhibition
Joan Jonas
A big retrospective for the
American performance art
pioneer, and the first time that
Tate’s whizzy new Blavatnik
Building (otherwise known as
the Switch House, otherwise
known as the new bit) has
been made full use of. Baffling,
but thrilling.
Tate Modern, London SE1 (020
7887 8888), today, tomorrow, Sun
Opera
La traviata
Can English National Opera’s
artistic director, Daniel Kramer,
lift his company’s variable
fortunes with this new Verdi
production? It is said to be
“ultra-romantic”, which is a
good start. Featuring Claudia
Boyle, right. London Coliseum,
WC2 (020 7845 9300), tonight
Dance
Royal Ballet
The company marks Leonard
Bernstein’s centenary with
a triple bill that includes
world premieres from Wayne
McGregor and Christopher
Wheeldon, along with a revival
of Liam Scarlett’s The Age of
Anxiety, left. All the music,
natch, is by Bernstein.
Royal Opera House, London
WC2 (020 7304 4000), tomorrow
Comedy
Glasgow International
Comedy Festival
Acts include Jerry Sadowitz
(tonight); Bridget Christie,
right (tonight, tomorrow);
Rob Delaney, Richard Gadd,
Mat Ewins (tomorrow); Rose
Matafeo, Kieran Hodgson (Sun).
Various venues, Glasgow (08448
737353), tonight, tomorrow, Sun
In Saturday Review tomorrow
Van Gogh and Japan; plus the best
European art shows for spring
4
1G T
COVER: WARNER CLASSICS/JASON JOYCE; BELOW: MDT/EYEVINE; REX/SHUTTERSTOCK; GETTY IMAGES
cover story
‘We have a music
crisis in schools.
Everyone needs
to speak out’
Alison Balsom talks to Richard Morrison about her
job as Cheltenham Music Festival’s artistic director,
her husband Sam Mendes and cuts to education
I
t should have been a trumpetcall that summoned Alison
Balsom to her new job. Instead
it was something rather gentler.
With her two-week-old baby in
her arms, Britain’s most famous
classical trumpeter turned on the
radio one Sunday morning and
started listening to a debate from the
Cheltenham Literary Festival.
“I said to my husband, ‘Wow,
Cheltenham is only half an hour away,
we should go to more things there.’ ”
The man she had married ten months
earlier, the stage and film director Sam
Mendes, agreed. So Balsom went on to
the Cheltenham festivals website and
saw the item that changed her life.
“It was a job advertisement for
artistic director of the Cheltenham
Music Festival,” she says. “I thought,
‘Why not?’ With a newborn baby I
really didn’t want to tour Japan any
time soon. This would be a way to
contribute artistically, utilise my
contacts and experience, and use my
brain — which a woman needs to
switch back on after she’s had a baby
— rather than constantly going round
the world as a soloist. So I went for an
interview, really liked the people I met,
and loved putting together ideas for a
sample programme.”
She must have been up against good
candidates. Running for a fortnight
each July, Cheltenham’s 73-year-old
music festival is one of Britain’s biggest
classical music events. “It’s a precious
thing with a wonderful legacy of
commissioning important new
pieces, and it really needs to
be taken care of, especially
as Cheltenham is not a big
city,” she says.
Now 39, Balsom has a golden
career as a soloist, as well as
branching out into TV
presenting and theatre
(she was the star of the
musical play Gabriel at
Shakespeare’s Globe in
2013). Along with Simon
Rattle she is one of the
best-known faces in
British classical music.
Being glamorously
blonde isn’t a handicap
either. What ambitious
festival wouldn’t want her
at its helm?
Right: Alison Balsom
and, below, with her
husband Sam Mendes,
when she was appointed
an OBE at Buckingham
Palace in 2016
The Cheltenham
Music Festival
(cheltenhamfestivals.
com/music) runs from
June 30 to July 15.
Brass for Africa:
brassforafrica.org
Her appointment came in
December, too late for her to have
much input into this summer’s festival,
which is the work of her predecessor,
Meurig Bowen. “I am involved in a
couple of performances and
educational events,” she says, “but
Meurig has lined up a fantastic array
of artists. There’s Maxim Vengerov
and Andras Schiff, Mark Elder with
the Hallé Orchestra, Sarah Connolly,
Sheku Kanneh-Mason, a Russian
opera company and much more.
“So I’ve spent the past two months
getting up to speed with how the
organisation works. It’s officially a
two-days-a-week job, but that’s a joke.
As someone who’s never had a real job
like this before, I’m thinking about it
virtually 24 hours a day.”
So what’s she dreaming up for next
year? A great theme to unify the
whole event? “Probably not,” she
replies. “You can kill a festival with a
theme. On paper it looks terribly
clever to have everything linked in
some way, but is that really going to
bring people along and ignite their
passions and change their lives? I’d
rather just invite great performers
who communicate brilliantly.”
She talks about programming so
that “people turn up in a certain place
and are enticed from one event to the
next”. Will her own tastes be evident?
“Well, I could happily wallow in
nothing except baroque music for the
rest of my life,” she says, laughing,
“but of course this is a chance to
curate all sorts of different music.
And not just music. Drama, dance,
visual art — it should all be in
there. I want to spread the festival’s
tentacles in all directions.”
One thing she is especially
determined to increase is the
festival’s education work. “It
has a great education
department, but I
want every artist we
invite to help that
work in some way.
I feel it’s the duty
of all musicians to
be missionaries.
At concerts we are
preaching to the
converted. We
need to reach out
to the rest.”
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
the times | Friday March 16 2018
5
1G T
radio
Rubbish title,
even more
rubbish show
Catherine
Nixey
Radio
review
Farage Against
the Machine
Alison Balsom and Richard Riddell perform at the Globe Theatre in 2013
Is she concerned that music has
disappeared from many state schools?
“Concerned isn’t the word,” she says.
“Nicky Benedetti used the phrase
‘fiercely furious’ about the state of
music education, and I feel the same.
I went to state schools [in Royston,
Hertfordshire] and owe everything to
the education I got there. Now I feel
we are letting down the next
generation of the entire country by
being so short-sighted about
eliminating the arts from education.
And the infuriating thing is that the
majority of the people making these
decisions send their own children to
schools where music is provided.”
Very probably true, but what
difference can relatively small
organisations such as the Cheltenham
Music Festival make?
“Gloucestershire is actually quite
a poor county and even Cheltenham
has surprising areas of deprivation,”
Sam is the best
unofficial
adviser one could
dream of having
Balsom says. “Our education
department has a big impact. They
don’t just parachute a musician into a
school for three hours; it’s year-round
work. I want to bring the music
education crisis to the attention of
everyone who has contact with the
festival and has any sort of influence.
Conductors, soloists, patrons, sponsors,
councillors: they need to speak out.”
It’s hard to think of anyone better
placed to influence people in high
places. Balsom has clout in her own
right, but her marriage to Mendes last
year has catapulted her into a very
rarefied circle of arts movers and
shakers. How did they meet? “He
heard me interviewed on Desert Island
Discs and got his office to contact
mine to ask if we could meet for coffee
because he had an idea for a project.”
Ah, that old chat-up line. “Well yes, I
still tease him, because the project has
never actually materialised. But we are
very happy. We have a place in
California, which we love. In fact it’s
hard to drag me back, but most of the
time we are in England together.”
Her first child, Charlie, from a
former relationship with the
conductor Edward Gardner, is now
eight. Presumably he is musical?
“He plays the cello, piano and oboe,”
Balsom says. “It’s a bit ridiculous; he’s
going to have to drop something. I
didn’t know I would have any more
children after him, but it’s lovely to
have a little baby and not be
constantly touring, because when
Charlie was a baby he was on the road
with me all the time.”
Will she be involving Mendes in the
Cheltenham festival? “I will eventually
drag him into it in some way,” she says,
laughing. “He has a brilliant brain for
programming, as everyone knows
from how he ran the Donmar for ten
years. So it’s great to come home after
a day of wrestling with festival
conundrums and ask him, ‘What do
you think?’ He’s the best possible
unofficial adviser one could have.”
Together, they are funding a
fellowship to send what Balsom
describes as an “inspirational teacher”
out to Uganda to become director of
education for a small charity of which
Balsom is a patron — Brass for Africa.
“It was founded by a British Airways
pilot called Jim Trott, who started
taking brass instruments out to Africa,
and it has spread through the slums of
Kampala and beyond,” Balsom says. “It
goes way beyond music. It has
transformed hundreds of lives. Now
we are forming bands in the prisons
where street children are rounded up.
The kids say that playing in the band
is the one time in the day when they
can forget all their troubles. I went out
there with [the jazz trumpeter] Guy
Barker and we were both transfixed
and determined to increase support
for Brass in Africa here.”
Balsom talks enthusiastically about
her next recording project as a
trumpeter — an album of baroque
music with the virtuoso organist David
Goode. Isn’t there a danger, though, of
her own music-making being sidelined
by all her new responsibilities?
“I really hope not,” she says.
“When I was sitting in the festival
office the other day, learning about
data protection and trying to work out
the computer software, I felt my brain
frying slightly. So I drove down to
Oxford by myself that evening and
went to a concert where Angela
Hewitt was playing Bach’s
Well-Tempered Clavier. Honestly,
it was like a balm for my soul. It
reminded me of what makes me
tick and why I will never stop
making music.”
lbc.co.uk
{((((
The Guilty
Feminist
guiltyfeminist.com
{{{((
The
Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the
Galaxy:
Hexagonal
Phase
Radio 4
{{{{(
Nigel Farage’s new
LBC podcast felt limp
and a touch missold
T
here is a scene in I’m Alan
Partridge in which, desperate
to save his flagging career,
the TV and radio presenter
pitches ideas for a new series
to a media executive. “Knowing ME
Knowing You,” he offers. “I, Alan
Partridge, talk to ME sufferers . . .” It’s
rejected. Flailing, he goes on. “A
Partridge Amongst the Pigeons.”
“What’s that?” the exec asks. “Well,”
Partridge says, “it’s just a title.”
Perhaps a similar process led to
the new LBC podcast Farage Against
the Machine. You wonder what the
definition of “to farage” might be. It
sounds like the sort of word that in
Shakespeare would get a footnote
(“verb, transitive. First attested in As
You Like It . . .”) and a titter. Albeit not
from Rage Against the Machine: the
band’s Twitter account popped up
calling Farage a “pissweasel” (noun;
Much Ado) for tainting their name.
This was not LBC’s finest hour. The
tone was wobbly: in the trailer Farage
had promised that he would take us
on “a journey I’ve been fighting for
25 years against the establishment”.
Which sounded a bit testy, but then,
like one of his beloved London cabs,
he turned on a sixpence, adding
that he wanted “to break down some
of these barriers that exist . . . The
right on the right, the left on the left.”
Intriguing. Where would he take us
for this exercise in peace and love? To
a meeting of American conservatives at
which Donald Trump was speaking. Oh.
The whole thing felt limp and a
touch missold. Farage had promised
interviews with “some of the most
influential men and women on both
sides of that big political spectrum”.
We got one with Matt Schlapp
(verb; Twelfth Night), chairman of the
American Conservative Union. Who?
The Guilty Feminist podcast, hosted
by Deborah Frances-White, almost
always makes you chuckle. Last week
there was an episode with Laura Bates,
creator of the Everyday Sexism
Project, and ShaoLan, a Chinese
entrepreneur, who offered a feminist
analysis of Chinese characters.
Apparently in the Chinese script the
character used to denote a married
woman is the character used to denote
a woman, but with added broomsticks.
If you didn’t catch Stephen
Hawking’s cameo on Radio 4’s present
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
adaptation, listen to it now. The series
— based on a book by Eoin Colfer,
with additional material by Douglas
Adams — is fun, but not a patch on
the original. Adams wrote about the
universe, but his genius lay in the
mundane. This Hitchhiker is
silted up with sci-fi language.
The section with Hawking in,
at the end of the first episode,
was amusing the first time
round. Now his words carry
a different weight. At one
point someone asks him
what he is. “I can’t
materialise,”
he replies.
m
“I
“ haven’t got the power.”
6
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Friday March 16 2018 | the times
FRANCESCA ALLEN
music
The place where
the powerbrokers
meet the hipsters
Jade Bird was the talk of the festival.
Right: Goat Girl. Below left: the
London mayor Sadiq Khan and tech
media presenter Douglas Caballero
Sadiq Khan, Spielberg and British jazz kids took the South
By Southwest festival by storm, reports Will Hodgkinson
I
n 1987 Roland Swenson, an
American journalist on the
alternative paper The Austin
Chronicle, set up South By
Southwest as a way of shining a
light on local talent. Thirty-one
years later, SXSW is a bizarre
and ever-expanding mishmash
of idealism, tech evangelism, corporate
interest, drunken college kids
going crazy on spring break
and 2,000 acts from
around the world
plying their wares in
every bar, club and
street corner in the
Texan city. Each
year people
complain that the
festival is not as good
as it was. Each year
SXSW sets the pace for
music, film and
technology. Here are a few
things we learnt at the festival in 2018.
1 Humanity is the new buzzword
Taking the next logical step on from
the Me Too and Black Lives Matter
movements, the overarching theme of
the 2018 conference was humanity: how
we treat people in the workplace, what
tech companies are trying to achieve,
what AI will do to us, just . . . what is
the point of it all, really? “Can [the
American workplace] work for people
who don’t look like my dad?” asked
Melinda Gates in a highly personal
keynote speech. All kinds of apps were
launched at SXSW Interactive, but the
question that speakers from Elon Musk
(who argued that AI is a greater threat
to humanity than nuclear war) to the
former American football player
Wade Davis came back to
was: how can we better
connect as people?
2 Sadiq Khan is an
American hero
In Britain we may
view him as a
diminutive former
lawyer with a slightly
dull obsession with
diesel emissions, but
at SXSW the mayor of
London was welcomed
like a rock star, his talk at the
Convention Center attracting a queue
that snaked round the block. Why?
Because he stood up to Donald
Trump, of course. The first British
politician to give a speech at SXSW
addressed the social responsibilities of
tech giants, illustrating his point by
reading out all kinds of abusive tweets
directed at himself.
3 Augmented reality is replacing
virtual reality
There were 20 virtual-reality
installations, including a recreation of
Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony that puts
you into the orchestra, and a mock-up
of the set of the TV series Westworld.
Best of all was A Colossal Wave by the
British company Marshmallow Laser
Feast, in which a real ball, dropped
from a great height, creates a virtual
wave experienced by VR users.
This synthesis of the real and the
unreal can create problems, however.
“We’ve had birds nesting in it,” says
the VR film-maker Robin McNicholas
on the challenges of building a 50ft
tower in the centre of Austin to drop
a ball down.
4 Steven Spielberg is getting in
on the act
The film director was in town to launch
Ready Player One, an adaptation of
Ernest Cline’s novel about a teenager
who creates a virtual online world. The
film, filled with 1980s arcade-game
references, also proved that even the
virtual world is subject to real-world
problems. At its launch on Sunday at
the Paramount Theatre the sound kept
cutting out. Spielberg claimed that it
caused him to have the greatest anxiety
attack he has experienced. Also in
town were Neil Young and Daryl
Hannah, launching their Netflix movie,
Paradox, a low-budget psychedelic
western that Young describes as best
enjoyed “with a big joint”.
5 British music is as important
as ever . . .
As jingoistic as it may sound at an
event that showcases music from Peru,
Russia and Colombia, the Brits still
manage to create the most excitement.
Northumberland’s Jade Bird succeeded
in taking coals to Newcastle by making
Where next?
Discover Britain’s best places to live
in our exclusive 48-page magazine.
Out this Sunday.
the times | Friday March 16 2018
7
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music
From Johnny Cash to the
Obamas: the rise of SXSW
GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY
Johnny Cash at SXSW in 1994. Below: Adele played at the festival in 2007
1987
Seven hundred people turn up to the
first SXSW event, although only 150
had registered; 177 local and regional
artists perform at 15 venues
over four days. By next
year the number of
artists will have
swollen to 415.
1994
her rootsy, emotional Americana the
talk of the festival, while the south
London teenagers Shame and Goat
Girl reminded everyone what young,
loud, snotty, thoroughly British punk
rock should sound like. Sam Fender
was another name on everyone’s lips,
alongside the Fish Police, a wildly
imaginative, unusual electro-funk band
whose singer Dean Rodney Jr and
guitarist Matt Howe both have autism.
6 . . . particularly British jazz
Jazz has always been a hard sell at
SXSW, but a showcase featuring the
best young British jazz musicians was a
standout. The south Londoner Moses
Boyd performed an incredible solo
drum set, while Nubya Garcia, a north
London saxophonist, blasted off on a
set with a three-piece band so
impassioned it appeared to take even
her by surprise. People don’t generally
scream uncontrollably at the end of a
ten-minute sax solo, but they did here.
7 Blockchain will be massive
“Cryptocurrencies: a New Future for
Money” and “Why Ethereum is Going
to Change the World” don’t sound
exactly scintillating, but they were just
two of the 38 packed panel talks
addressing Blockchain, a transparent
platform that registers global
transaction data (imagine a system
that logs every step of a piece of wood,
from being part of a tree in the
Amazon to a plank on the shelves of
B&Q) and is the verifiable ledger
powering cryptocurrency. It was
another SXSW 2018 keyword.
8 Sleep music is the new genre
The contemporary classical musician
Max Richter staged an all-night
concert for which 80 attendees bedded
down for the night while being lulled
into the Land of Nod by an eight-hour
sleep-inducing ambient music
marathon. Richter says: “We’re
chronically sleep-deprived as a culture,”
a statement never truer than at SXSW,
where events run well into the early
hours. This is also a festival where a
room in the most basic downtown hotel
can set you back $400 a night. Who in
their right mind would give that up to
listen to sleep music all night?
9 The British have brought
culture to new technology
“The British have identified a gap,” says
Crispin Parry of British Underground,
the body that works with the Arts
Council to give SXSW an official
British presence. “There is a space for
content in among all this tech. People
are realising you should start with an
idea and then find the technology to
support it, not the other way round.”
Hence the arrival of the Royal
Shakespeare Company to work with
Intel on a digitally reimagined version
of The Tempest and Nasa working with
the Philharmonia to stage a VR version
of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
Sadiq
Khan got
a queue
around
the block
Johnny Cash attends
the event as a
keynote speaker.
During his speech
Cash, 62 at the time,
intermittently plays a few
tunes and speaks of his love
for music and his struggle to
learn to play the guitar. It is also the
first year in which interactive content
and films are shown during the
inaugural SXSW Film and Media
Conference.
1997
Just ten
years after
its launch
The New
York Times
declares
SXSW “the
domestic pop
and rock
music
industry’s most important
annual event”. Moby speaks
at a New Wave of Electronica
panel and Quentin Tarantino,
Richard Linklater, Robert
Rodriguez, Kevin Smith
and Steven Soderbergh
come together to
discuss film.
2001
10 None of this changes basic
human behaviour
SXSW is the most forwardlooking festival in the world,
yet so many things are the
same, year after year: the long queues
to get into concerts, the number of
spring-breakers overdoing it on 6th
Street, the search for the perfect
midnight taco, the buzz around an act
that seems so important for that hour
or two before common sense kicks in
and we all go home . . .
The SXSW line-up is
by now as fiercely
international as highprofile. Among the 1,012
showcasing artists are the
Black Eyed Peas, David
Byrne, Interpol, Mogwai,
Idlewild, Peaches, the Strokes
and the White Stripes. Evan
Williams (who will go on to
Michelle Obama at the
Texas festival in 2016
co-found Twitter) appears on an SXSW
Interactive panel and the Burning
Man founder, Larry Harvey, shares his
musings about community.
2007
The year in which Adele
plays at SXSW and
only a small handful
of people show up to
catch her. The
British superstar,
who has just signed
her record deal, is
filmed performing in
an almost empty hotel
room. Amy Winehouse,
Lily Allen and Kings of Leon
play shows, while Judd Apatow
brings the house down with the world
premiere of Knocked Up.
2008
Lou Reed does the keynote address,
Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos
attend, Airbnb launches and bands
from Tehran to Sao Paulo perform
during the 22nd SXSW, at which 1,809
artists fill the venues.
2012
After Lena Dunham’s debut with
Creative Nonfiction at SXSW 2009
and her 2010 screening of the
award-winning film Tiny Furniture,
she shoots to fame after the world
premiere of her HBO series Girls.
Speakers include Bruce Springsteen,
Mark Wahlberg and Nas, and Ed
Sheeran plays a show.
2014
USA Today refers to SXSW as “one
of the largest and most influential
gatherings on the planet” in a year
in which Lady Gaga appears as the
keynote speaker, Coldplay perform,
and there’s a virtual conversation
with the whistleblower Edward
Snowden. There’s also the world
premiere of the HBO series Silicon
Valley as the festival sets the trend
for small-screen serials.
2016
Barack and Michelle Obama give
keynote speeches during this cultural
mega marathon of 2,224 showcasing
artists and 378 panels and workshops.
Jedidajah Otte
8
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Friday March 16 2018 | the times
arts
Rachel Campbell-Johnston the arts column
As diplomatic relations fail, museums need to step up to the mark
R
elations between
Britain and Russia
descend to a dire new
low as Theresa May
announces the
expulsion of 23
diplomats. The Russians
have not yet offered
their response, but at the moment
nothing much seems to be working.
We are facing a fearful impasse.
Can art help? Culture can certainly
play an important ambassadorial role.
From medieval times, when a
monarch would dispatch a painter to
make him a picture of a potential
bride, to the Cold War, when
exchanges of musicians or dancers
helped to maintain contact between
the Soviet Union and the US, art has
fulfilled a powerful diplomatic
function. It helps us to look at the
world from a shared human level, to
measure the flaring of present-day
problems against the far broader
backdrop of a historical time. Serving
as an instrument of seduction, of
enticement, of persuasion, art has
been used to build bridges of
understanding, to breed mutual
respect and promote dialogue.
Where war doesn’t work, culture
can step in. In the 15th century, for
instance, Constantinople, the great
capital of Christendom, was lost (along
with its lucrative trade) to the
conquering Ottomans. But in 1479,
having signed a peace treaty, its ruler
requested a portrait and the Venetian
painter Gentile Bellini was dispatched.
The result, a tactfully diplomatic
hybrid, brought East and West
together in an image of a turbaned
sultan presented as if he were a
European prince. Through this and
other works, combining the influences
of four cultures (Venetian, Ottoman,
Mamluk and Greek), Bellini
demonstrated how four religions
(Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy,
Islam and Judaism) could mingle and
relate. He showed us the meaning of
the cultural melting pot.
Peter Paul Rubens, even more
famously, doubled as a diplomat. This
“prince among painters; painter
among princes”, as he was called, was
fluent in six languages. In 1625 he was
sent to conduct the negotiations that
would end the war between the
Spanish Netherlands and the Dutch
Republic. Four years later, dispatched
GETTY IMAGES
Only four
years ago
we were
celebrating
the UKRussia
Year of
Culture
to the court of Charles I, he was
paving the way towards a peace accord
between England and Spain.
In our modern world, art can serve
an increasingly salient diplomatic
function. Once the role of museums
was primarily custodianship. Now they
must prove themselves also to be
politically engaged, globally connected
and skilled in the arts of international
cultural diplomacy, their reach
sometimes extending beyond that
of governments.
Neil MacGregor, the former head of
the British Museum, was a master. In
2005, for instance, relations between
the West and Iran, where a hardline
conservative president was on the rise,
were on the brink of breakdown. The
British Museum launched a stunning
exhibition on the ancient Persian
empire, arguing that its achievements
had been wrongly overlooked in
favour of the Romans and Greeks. A
show calculated to turn history on its
head doubled as a diplomatic coup.
This was followed four years later by
EXCLUSIVE
R E WAR D S FO R
SUBSCRIBERS
one on the ruler who made Shia Islam
pre-eminent in his territories, then in
2010 by the loan of the deeply
symbolic Cyrus Cylinder to Iran.
As Britain prepares to dissolve
its links with the EU, culture must step
up. Last summer May made a trip to
Japan with the aim of securing a postBrexit trade deal. Negotiations were
backed by a planned collaboration
on a Japan-UK season of culture
that will be launched in 2019. Next
week Richmond, the American
International University in London,
will be hosting a conference called
London is Open, putting its focus on
cultural diplomacy after Brexit.
The crisis in our relationship with
Russia is still horribly fresh and rawly
shocking. It would be presumptuous
to try to second-guess how the politics
will pan out. What is certain is that
we are dealing with a nation that
understands only too profoundly
the importance of culture. Its
contributions to the worlds of
literature, art, dance and music have
The British Museum’s
2009 exhibition
Shah Abbas: The
Remaking of Iran
been so influential that there must be
scarcely a country the world over that
has not been affected by its creative
output. Russian culture has long served
as a nexus of international dialogue.
Only four years ago we were
celebrating the UK-Russia Year of
Culture, the most ambitious artistic
exchange to take place between our
two nations. Its crowning moment, the
journey of the river god Ilissos from the
British Museum in London to the
Hermitage in St Petersburg, marked a
defining moment, if not a turning point,
in a relationship that was floundering
in the wake of the 2006 murder in
London of the former intelligence
agent Alexander Litvinenko.
As relations again descend to crisis
point, it is important to remember this.
Culture can bridge nations whose
governments are barely even speaking.
Our museum directors have showed
us the way. The role of their
institutions has never been greater.
Richard Morrison’s column returns
in a fortnight
An evening with Gemma
Arterton and James Purefoy
Join us on Wednesday, March 21 for a preview screening of the episode
Marilyn Monroe and Billy Wilder from the Sky Arts Urban Myths series. Put your
questions to the cast and director as they discuss bringing this to life.
Book tickets today at mytimesplus.co.uk
This Times+ event is open to UK subscribers only. For full terms and conditions, visit mytimesplus.co.uk
the times | Friday March 16 2018
9
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arts
THE
CRITICS
Ed Potton
finds Mary Magdalene a bit meh p11
Will Hodgkinson
on a harmonious musical marriage p12
Rachel Campbell-Johnston
at the crossroads of art and science p13
This reboot misses the target
the big film
As Lara Croft,
Alicia Vikander
falls short in this
lethargic, ludicrous
thriller, says
Kevin Maher
C
ome back, Angelina
Jolie, we miss you. Less
than 20 minutes into
this soulless, brainless
reboot one begins to
crave the sight of the
42-year-old swinging
her silken ponytail and
leaping into a slow-mo dive, with both
Heckler & Koch pistols working
overtime, blasting through a line of
luckless henchmen, as she did so
gamely in the first two franchise
instalments. In this movie, a
£100 million revamp, Jolie has been
replaced by Alicia Vikander and
everything else has been replaced
by teeth-grinding tedium.
Vikander has demonstrated,
particularly in her Oscar-winning
performance as Eddie Redmayne’s
dutiful wife in The Danish Girl, that
she has many impressive facilities as
a performer, most of which involve
blushing, looking coy and trying not
to cry. But casting her as an iconic asswhupping battle-femme has proved to
be one conceptual leap too far.
In fairness, she brings good tan
to the role and does some quality
blushing in the early scenes, but
there’s an ineffectuality to her
action-heroine persona (remember,
we are in the era of Wonder Woman
and genuine screen Amazons). It’s
supposed to reflect her tentative
humanity, but in a movie this trite
merely translates as lethargy — she
classic
film
of the
week
Alicia Vikander brings a good tan to the role of Lara Croft — but little else
“becomes” the real Lara Croft with
grim box-ticking joylessness.
She is hampered at every turn by,
well, everything. In a script that’s
claimed to have been written by
human beings, Lara is introduced
as a penniless bicycle courier who is
actually a trustafarian trillionaire
slumming it with some working-class
Londoners so she can deal with the
possibility that her missing dad,
Richard (Dominic West, mostly in
beard and Eddie Van Halen fright
wig), is actually dead. Lara, it
transpires, has been gifted with a
single personality trait: she loves her
dad. That’s it. That defines her. Which
leads to a profoundly creepy scene in
Le Corbeau
(1943)
PG, 88min
{{{{(
T
Tomb Raider
12A, 118min
{((((
Action! Join
our film club
For the latest news,
interviews, reviews and
discussion with our
film critics sign up to
our Facebook group,
Screen Times
his was the film that almost
did for Henri-Georges
Clouzot’s career. The French
director, best known for
The Wages of Fear and
Diabolique, was condemned for making
it during the Nazi occupation with a
German-controlled company. It didn’t
help that the story was deemed by
some to demonise the French people.
It’s certainly not a rosy portrait of
provincial France, being a pitch-black
account of how a series of mysterious
which Lara shaves Richard’s face and
neither performer knows quite how to
sell it without eroticism.
Lara soon returns to Croft Manor
(like Wayne Manor, it’s for spoilt rich
kids who miss their parents) and
discovers a secret dungeon and a video
confession from Richard in which he
says: “There was more to my life than
boardrooms and business deals.”
Alas, he is not a cross-dressing
cabaret singer, but a glamorous and
infinitely wealthy bloke who goes
around looking for verifiable signs
of spirituality in the hope that they
will help him to feel less bad about
the premature death of his beloved
wife — catchy, right?
letters, written by “the Raven”
(le Corbeau), whip up “a
whirlwind of hate and
calumny” in an
unnamed town. A
suave local doctor
(Pierre Fresnay, right
with Micheline Francey)
is accused of being a
“cheat, liar, thief and
abortionist”; suicide and
murder follow. It’s part
whodunnit, part film noir, with
Within minutes Lara is on the trail
of her adorable pop and lands in Hong
Kong to pick up a friendly and slightly
sexy Chinese sea captain sidekick
called Lu Ren (Daniel Wu) and to
ensure fevered commercial interest
from the Chinese moviegoing market.
Lu Ren (no relation to Kylo) and
Lara eventually arrive at an island in
the middle of the “Devil’s Sea” (it’s east
of Hong Kong and west of Actually,
I Really Don’t Care). Here an
American psychopath called Vogel
(Walton Goggins, doing early Dennis
Hopper) is trying to unearth the
source of an ancient plague on behalf
of a secret society of criminals who
plan to bring chaos to the planet.
Which, strangely enough, is the
same storyline from the previous film,
Lara Craft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life.
Only that one was slightly better
because it featured Jolie pole-vaulting
into a moving helicopter and didn’t
feature Vikander pretending to open
a top-secret vault to Ancient Plague
Headquarters by twiddling some metal
circles, without explaining to anyone
(including the audience, Vogel or his
henchmen) what she is doing.
Say what you will about Indiana
Jones and the Last Crusade, but at least
when Indy knelt down in the tunnel in
the climactic scene we knew why he
was doing it (“The penitent man . . .
The penitent man . . . He kneels before
God”). No such luck here. It’s all
rehashed moments, remade poorly
with no style and even less intent.
It’s directed by Roar Uthaug, a
Norwegian who made a big splash in
his home country in 2015 with the
tsunami thriller The Wave, but is here
the definitive busted flush. He’s the
latest victim of the giddy craze for
“hot Scandinavian directors who
come to Hollywood to make rubbish
movies” (see, from 2017 alone, Nikolaj
Arcel’s The Dark Tower, Tomas
Alfredson’s The Snowman and Niels
Arden Oplev’s Flatliners).
On the positive side, there’s a
nicely done scene on the edge of a
waterfall. And the film will probably
do well in China.
Pierre Larquey’s psychiatrist
getting the best lines and
Ginette Leclerc’s femme
fatale the best pouts.
The director and film
were banned in France
until 1947, but this
portrait of a community
soured by distrust has
turned out to be a telling
reflection of its time.
Ed Potton
Available on DVD and Blu-ray
10
1G T
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
film reviews
It makes a performance of itself
The director of
Force Majeure has
made a staggering
art-world thriller,
says Kevin Maher
The Square
15, 151min
H
{{{{{
ow to talk about
The Square without
sounding like a
pretentious bore? It’s
tricky. Because this
is an astoundingly
smart film, set in the
Swedish art world,
that satirises conceptual art and
ignites into thrilling life whenever it
delivers moments of what the French
philosopher Jacques Lacan would have
called “jouissance”, or an “eruption of
the real” (see what I mean?).
Lacan, like the movie, believed that
we live in a buttoned-up symbolic order
and that the truths of our primitive
natures emerge only rarely and with
shattering effect. In The Square this
eruption occurs during a robbery,
and later in a terrifying set piece at a
black-tie dinner, where a bare-chested
performance artist called Oleg (Terry
Notary), posing as an aggressive alpha
chimp, bullies a ballroom of well-heeled
Swedish culturati into compliance.
Everything in between is carried
on the shoulders of the Danish actor
Claes Bang (The Bridge). He delivers
the breakout performance of the year
as Christian, the dashing, intelligent, if
slightly self-satisfied curator who has
been given a week to devise a sexy
sales pitch for the museum’s latest
exhibit, an anonymous square in the
floor that has been designated as “a
sanctuary of trust and caring”.
Christian, however, is distracted
by his attempts to recover his stolen
iPhone by a nascent relationship with
art journalist Anne (Elisabeth Moss,
giving an indelible performance), and
by the sense that everything around
him, including his relationship with
his two pre-teen daughters, is
inexorably falling apart.
The film is written and directed
by Ruben Östlund, who made the
2014 arthouse smash Force Majeure
(another film that features a pivotal
iPhone grab and a shattering eruption
of the real), and here has topped even
that with a movie of discomfiting
chuckles, occasional laughs and
breathless ambition.
While taking savage potshots at
everything from white privilege to
cultural elites, nitwit millennials,
Terry Notary as
performance artist
Oleg in The Square
My Generation
My Golden Days
12A, 85min
15, 124min
{{{((
This guilty-pleasure documentary is
narrated and “authored” by Michael
Caine (although scripted by Dick
Clement and Ian La Frenais), who
gives us a personalised view of
“swinging London” without once
veering from the official hymn sheet.
Sixties stars abound (Paul
McCartney, Mary Quant, David
Bailey, Vidal Sassoon; all in voiceover,
except for Caine, who is on screen
throughout), telling us (platitude alert)
that “the whole London youth thing
was happening”; “ordinary workingclass lads were making it” and “there
were gorgeous girls at parties and a
whole team of naughty boys”.
Luckily the vintage footage
compensates, as do tittle-tattle stories
from the Ad Lib club, some nice
Beatles anecdotes and an absolutely
fabulous clip of a 21-year-old model
called Joanna Lumley bemoaning the
methods of star photographers. Park
your brain and enjoy the vibe. KM
{{(((
Michael Caine ferries us through the Swinging Sixties in My Generation
social media platforms and so-called
bleeding heart liberals, the film is
always anchored in Christian’s psyche
(and in Bang’s subtly affecting
performance).
It’s a difficult place to be, and
Christian is not always likeable (he
shouts at his kids and his seduction
of Anne is an ego trip). But in a
world of fake sentiment, the movie
seems to say: this is as good as it’s
going to get. And it’s great.
Modulated performances and a deft
sense of pacing are undone by the
drone of familiarity in this French
melodrama from the writer-director
Arnaud Desplechin (Ismael’s Ghosts).
It’s been ready since 2015, never a
great sign, but opens promisingly
enough in a bedroom in Tajikistan,
where globe-trotting anthropologist
Paul Dédalus (Mathieu Amalric) is
preparing to return, after eight years,
to France — a Ulysses reference:
Dedalus, returning home, geddit?
The trip from bedroom to airport to
Paris is a springboard for flashbacks
explaining his passions and oddly
distant mood. There’s lovely early
stuff, very gothic, with an unhinged
mother (Cécile Garcia-Fogel) chasing
the pre-teen Dédalus through the
house at night, vowing to kill him and
smear his blood on her hands.
But too soon we slip into slushy
romance, as student-era Dédalus
(Quentin Dolmaire) falls for the type
of woman who lives only in French
movies. Her name is Esther (Lou RoyLecollinet), she wears a pink beret and
is gorgeously mercurial until,
overnight, she becomes a clingy mess.
Ah, l’amour. Just not again. KM
the times | Friday March 16 2018
11
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film reviews
A curiously
bloodless
Bible story
If this is the Me Too Bible movie, it has
moments of meh too, says Ed Potton
Mary Magdalene
M
12A, 120min
{{(((
ovies and the
Messiah go back
a long way.
We’ve had gory
Jesus (Mel
Gibson’s The
Passion of the
Christ), randy
Jesus (Martin Scorsese’s The Last
Temptation of Christ), even satirical
Jesus (Terry Jones’s Life of Brian).
Now, with impeccable timing, comes
feminist Jesus, portrayed by Joaquin
Phoenix. He’s so feminist, in fact, that
this sometimes moving, sometimes
rather dull film isn’t even about him,
it’s about his most famous female
follower, Mary Magdalene, played by
the impressive Rooney Mara.
The film’s Time’s Up credentials
are slightly tarnished by the fact
that its executive producer was
Harvey Weinstein. Although it was
made before the scandal broke,
and Weinstein was reportedly very
“hands off”, his poisonous legacy
must have felt like a nail through
the foot to the director, Garth Davis,
who told The Times last week: “Our
movie is the antithesis of that.”
Peter Rabbit
PG, 95min
{{{((
This latest adaptation of Beatrix
Potter’s tale has already been
castigated over a scene of “allergy
bullying” in which a man with an
allergy to fruit is pelted with
blackberries, and for the fact
that Peter is voiced by James
Corden, who seems to bring a
significant chunk of the
population out in hives.
I found neither
blackberrygate nor
Corden particularly
offensive, and the film as
a whole quite fun. Sure, it’s
no Paddington, the CGI is
lathered on a bit thick
and it may be rather
scary for under-fives.
But the cast are
rather jolly: Rose
Peter Rabbit,
voiced by
James Corden
It sure is. This is the New Testament
told through the feminine gaze of
Jesus’s 13th disciple. Dismissed for
centuries as a prostitute, Mary, as a
postscript notes, has since been
elevated in status by the Vatican.
In 2016 it added a preface to the
Mass, referring to her as the “Apostle
to the Apostles”.
Not that most of the men in the
movie are what you’d consider
“woke”. When Mary flees an arranged
marriage, her pugnacious brother
(Denis Ménochet) snarls: “You want
me to bind your breasts and shave
your head?” When Mary talks to the
resurrected Christ and reports his
advice to focus on the here and now
rather than divine kingdoms, she is
shouted down by Chiwetel Ejiofor’s
glowering Peter, furious that she was
the one who was granted the
audience. Only Jesus, it seems,
treats her as an equal.
It’s a watchful performance by
Mara, quiet yet steely, and she brings
a feminine intuition to Mary’s
conversations with Jesus. “No one has
ever asked me how it feels,” he says
with a smile, after she inquires about
the nitty-gritty of being, you know,
the son of God. Phoenix’s Jesus is a
stoner Messiah, with his woozy
delivery and Kris Kristofferson beard.
It’s disorientating to see this role just a
Byrne as a welly-wearing artist, Margot
Robbie and Daisy Ridley voicing the
animated Flopsy and Cotton-tail
respectively and Domhnall Gleeson as
a distinctive (anti)hero, a department
store manager who inherits a house in
the country from his uncle, the Mr
McGregor of the original yarn.
Gleeson is basically a more obsessive
version of Hugh Grant in
Paddington as he wages war
on Peter and his animal
friends, who have been
squatting in said house.
There are some knowing
gags: a character turning to an
overexcited porcine comrade
and saying, “That’ll do, pig”;
Peter introducing a montage
with an arch, “We know it’s
going to be successful so here
are the highlights.” Others
will (hopefully) go over
children’s heads, such as
two animals sharing a
carrot like a spliff and
cooing woozily:
“We’re all connected.”
No masterpiece,
then, but unfairly
maligned. EP
Joaquin Phoenix as
Jesus and Rooney Mara
as Mary Magdalene
Gook
15, 95min
{{{{(
week after he played a hammer-toting
hardman in You Were Never Really
Here. This one is less convincing —
original, yes, but too languid at times.
Indeed, if this is the Me Too Bible
movie, it can be a bit meh too. Davis’s
previous film was Lion, the Oscarnominated tale of a lost Indian boy
starring Dev Patel. This one is less
nakedly emotional and thus also
rather bloodless in places. It’s all very
restrained, full of whispered dialogue
delivered by candlelight and campfire,
and everyone wears linen robes of
muted cream and grey — The Power
and the Glory coloured by Farrow &
Ball. Any attraction between Mary
and Jesus is downplayed too: all we get
is a slightly erotic baptism. Mara and
Phoenix, who became an item during
the shoot, clearly saved the fireworks
for themselves.
Directed, written
by and starring
Justin Chon, best
known as Eric in
the Twilight films,
this is a study of
racial tension that,
strikingly, features
no white characters.
Chon, right, and
David So play Eli
and Daniel, KoreanAmerican brothers
who have struck
up an unlikely
friendship with
Kamilla (Simone
Baker), an Africanorks
American girl who works
at their shoe shop in a predominantly
black area of Los Angeles.
With the riots of 1992 as a backdrop,
Eli and Daniel are beaten up by black
gangs, Kamilla has a gun pulled on her
by a Korean shopkeeper and the
brothers’ car is spray-painted with
“gook”, a derogatory term for east and
southeast Asians.
The street scenes have shades of
films from Do the Right Thing to
The Florida Project and the script
brings a light touch to a heavy subject.
“We don’t serve your kind,” Daniel
says at one point. “Black people?”
Kamilla says. “No, ugly-ass little kids.”
It’s shot in black and white, all
elegant angles and slanting sunshine,
with a gorgeous soundtrack of sleepy
guitars, jazz trumpet and Hall & Oates,
whose Maneater accompanies a joyous
impromptu formation dance. It’s witty,
stylish and ultimately devastating. EP
12
1G T
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
music reviews
Like soaking in a hot bath
GETTY IMAGES
pop
The New Jersey
trio make albums
that soothe, says
Will Hodgkinson
Yo La Tengo
There’s a Riot Going On
T
Matador
{{{{(
he survival rate of
marriages in bands is
frankly not great. All
that time on tour
buses, combined with
the twin threat of
creative differences
and the temptations
of the road, rarely lead to conjugal
bliss. Abba and Fleetwood Mac wrote
their best material when the
relationships within them were
crashing and burning. The former
husband and wife Jack and Meg White
pretended they were brother and
sister to make it work with the
White Stripes.
How, then, have Ira Kaplan and
Georgia Hubley of Yo La Tengo
managed to keep it together? Since
1984 the guitarist and drummer of this
critically applauded New Jersey trio
have combined the demands of
musical and domestic life with
success. You never know the whole
truth, but it is cheering to hear them,
with the help of the bassist James
McNew, make such a friendly and
original album as There’s a Riot Going
On after all these years.
Sly and the Family Stone’s 1971
album of the same name responded
to the chaos of its time with a
decadent, cocaine-addled mood.
Yo La Tengo aim for a contemporary
response too, but go the other way
and intimate that the best way to
deal with outside upheaval is with
inner strength. Dream Dream Away
evokes ambient calm with gently
James McNew, Georgia Hubley and Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo. Right: the perky Kim Wilde
strummed guitars and washes of
keyboards; on Shades of Blue Hubley
sings about feeling lonely over a tune
brimming with 1960s girl-group
innocence. There is even some easy
listening-style exotica from Polynesia
#1 and Esportes Casual.
Listening to this grounded, rather
blissful album, you have to wonder: is
dissolving into pretty, meditative
music the best response to dealing
with a crisis point in global affairs?
Like a good long bath, There’s a Riot
Going On makes you feel better
equipped to deal with whatever the
outside world throws at you. No
wonder Kaplan and Hubley’s marital
and musical partnership is in such
rude health.
Meshell
Ndegeocello
Ventriloquism
Naive/Believe
{{{{(
The Berlin-born, Washington-raised
Meshell Ndegeocello, below, broke
through in the 1990s as
a new soul star, lauded
by Madonna and hitting
the Top Ten with a
duet with John Cougar
Mellencamp. However,
she proved too unusual
for enduring mass
appeal and headed off
into experimental jazz
and Afrobeat instead.
This lovely album of
cover versions returns to
o that
early accessibility while also
displaying the depth of her emotional
range. Private Dancer, for example,
captures the sadness and alienation
Kim Wilde
Here Come
The Aliens
Wildeflower Records
{{{((
Unlike many of her 1980s compatriots,
Kim Wilde is not labouring under
delusions of glory. She’s only too
happy to head off on nostalgia
package tours, present gardening
shows and, now, make a campy album
named after an alien landing that she
claims took place on her lawn in
Hertfordshire in 2009.
“I’m worried he’s going to beam
me up and I’ll have to sing Kids in
America to him for the rest of my
life,” Wilde said of her fear of being
abducted by a starship trooper.
Thankfully that didn’t happen,
leaving her to sing about the joys of
a lifetime in pop (Pop Don’t Stop), the
wonders of love (Addicted to You)
and internet trolls
(Cyber Nation War).
None of this is
groundbreaking
or deep, but it’s
totally
unpretentious
and, with
the perkiest
aspects of
glam, new
wave and
pure pop
coming
together
for a big
retro dance
party, great
fun too.
of the stripper in a way that Tina
Turner’s original
recording
g
did.
never did
It takes
tak chutzpah to
turn Sade’s Smooth
Operator
into not
Ope
very
ver smooth jazz.
and dogged
self-belief
to
sel
transform
TLC’s
tra
monster
hit
mo
Waterfalls
into
Wate
laid-back
acoustic
la
laid-b
la
fo but best of all is a
folk,
fo
dreamlike
take on Prince’s
dr
dr
Sometimes
Snows in April.
So
So
It Sno
Ndegeocello’s take on the purple one’s
tale of early death serves as a fitting
eulogy to his genius.
Banging the drum for a minimalist masterpiece
classical
Colin Currie
Group
Drumming
Colin Currie Records
{{{{{
D
espite whatever history
says, it’s my belief that
musical minimalism
began some time
in the past
century in Batsford
Road, Coventry, when I
lay hypnotised for
minutes on end by the
rhythmic plops of
water dripping from
the bathtub tap. This
experience stood me
in good stead when
Steve Reich’s percussion
n
epic Drumming arrived a
decade later, layered with
th rhythms
far more complex than anything
I’d heard in the bath.
Forty years on, Reich’s creation still
marks one of minimalism’s peaks. This
performance from the Colin
p
Group, seamlessly
Currie Gr
compiled from a studio
compil
session
sessio of 32 takes, is
thunderously
exciting.
thun
It zzips through in 55
minutes
— a timing
min
easily
eas possible if the
option
is taken to
opt
curtail
some repeating
cur
measures.
The
mea
recording,
too, thrusts us
record
right
into
ri
ri
int the action as
Currie,
left,
Cu
Cu
left and colleagues
thwack
and tinkle
th
tink at varying speeds
on bongo drums, glockenspiels
and
glo
marimbas, with friendly support from
a wheeling piccolo and the whistling
and vocalise of Synergy Vocals.
Supported by a Kickstarter
campaign (168 backers; £15,127
generated), the album marks the debut
of Colin Currie Records, a promising
new outlet for the artistry and flair
of Britain’s most adventurous
percussion player. The only aspect
missing is the visual theatre. Crowded
round their grouped instruments on
stage, percussionists navigating
Drumming tend to look like heart
surgeons calmly gliding from one
tricky operation to another.
Still, we can easily tell by sound alone
that each operation is a triumph.
If Reich’s rhythmic pyramids
don’t appeal you could always dive
into the masses of notes jumping and
wriggling through the impressive
jungle of La Terre est un Homme
({{{{(), the title work on NMC’s
valuable album sampling the famously
complex output of the Europe-based
Brit Brian Ferneyhough.
Instrumental and vocal virtuosity
light up Liber Scintillarum and his
Missa Brevis, while awards are due to
the BBC Symphony Orchestra under
Martyn Brabbins, Ensemble Recherche
and the choir Exaudi for conquering
works that madden and stimulate
at the same time. Ferneyhough also
grew up in Coventry, but I can’t begin
to imagine what his own bath
experiences were like.
Geoff Brown
the times | Friday March 16 2018
13
1G T
visual art
MARTINA AMATI; MARIA MCKINNEY
Science —
it’s a fine art
This new Wellcome Collection show of
artworks made in collaboration with
scientists is fun and thought-provoking,
says Rachel Campbell-Johnston
E
very art should become
science, and every
science should become
art. That was the vision
of the 19th-century
radical Friedrich
Schlegel, who was, along
with his brother August,
a leading thinker of the Romantic
movement that would do so much to
shape the modern world. In our
contemporary era, art and science
increasingly coalesce. Their methods
may arise from different traditions;
their audiences may not be, for the
most part, shared, but their
motivations and goals are
fundamentally similar. They both set
out to try to understand the world in
which we live and, through describing
it, to share it with others.
It is the no man’s land between these
two disciplines that the Wellcome
Collection sets out to claim. At the
core of this London museum, branded
the “free destination for the incurably
curious”, lies an eclectic assemblage of
medical artefacts and original artworks
that together elaborate and explore the
connections between medical science,
life and art. Temporary exhibitions
further test the link.
Somewhere in Between is the latest of
these. It presents works arising from
collaborative exchanges between four
contemporary artists and scientists
and their teams. Spectators will find
themselves immersed imaginatively
into four very different realms.
Maria McKinney, working with a
geneticist, David MacHugh, and
veterinary scientist, Michael Doherty,
leads a herd of magnificent pedigree
bulls into the gallery, creating a line up
of photographic portraits that ask us
to consider the complex breeding
involved in increasing agricultural
productivity. John Walter, in
consultation with the infectious
diseases expert Alison Rodger, invites
us to cruise the maze of a lurid sex
club and so confront today’s attitudes
towards HIV. Daria Martin, working
with the cognitive neuroscientist
Michael Banissy, delves into the
discombobulating experience of
mirror-touch synaesthesia, a
neurological condition whereby
someone feels the sensation of what
another person is touching.
Martina Amati, in Under, a project
developed with the anaesthetist
Professor Kevin Fong, plunges us into
the mesmerising undersea realm of
the freedivers who, challenging limits
in ways that science cannot quite
account for, push themselves to
physiological and mental brinks.
At their best these pieces are not
merely about getting an artist to
interpret complex scientific ideas to
make them more easily understandable
— and hence appealing — to a wider
public. Instead they set out to add new
layers of something to a study.
McKinney’s cattle, for instance,
stand like contemporary photographic
versions of traditional 18th-century
agricultural paintings. They are there,
on the most simple level, to be admired
in all their muscular physical bulk. But
McKinney, who typically works with
materials that don’t normally belong to
art-making, places an elaborate
sculpture on each of their backs. These
are constructed from coloured plastic
straws — the straws that are used as
receptacles for their semen, which is
then sold for artificial insemination.
With the same handicraft that once
would have created corn dollies
(associated, McKinney tells us, with
pagan fertility rituals), she weaves
them into elaborate forms that reflect
the characteristics that geneticists are
trying to breed into bovines. One is a
milk-production graph, another shows
the horns that are increasingly being
bred out of cattle because they make
these creatures harder to handle.
Sire, as the piece is called, articulates
complicated scientific ideas in a clear
way. But over and above mere
illustration it asks us to consider moral
questions about man’s relationship to
beast. For most urban viewers, the
bovine is not something that they
think much about. Milk comes from
supermarkets; the cow is scarcely
considered. Yet, as McKinney leads a
herd out into the limelight, she
interrogates the geneticists who have
acted like gods. Science, she suggests,
must consider more than merely what
is possible. Morality must also be taken
into account. Can a living creature be
treated as a consumer commodity?
The most entrancing contribution is
Amati’s Under, an immersive
multiscreen installation depicting the
underwater world. What is up and
From top: Under by
Martina Amati;
Longevity/Apoptosome,
Black Water Lad by
Maria McKinney
Somewhere in Between
is at the Wellcome
Collection, London
NW1 (020 7611 2222),
to August 27
what is down? We can’t tell. We have
entered a place where all defining
limits are tested, where everything
dissolves into the all-swallowing blue.
Freedivers not only defy
physiological possibilities, but their
practice poses questions to which
scientists have as yet no answer, Fong
says. It does not make sense that a
process so fundamental to mammalian
existence as breathing should be under
voluntary control. Perhaps, he says,
since we need to control our breath to
speak, it brings us an evolutionary
advantage. Still, he adds, “it’s very
weird to be able to stop doing
something upon which life depends”.
Yet this “weirdness” — not least
when it comes to the sense of trancelike euphoria that freedivers describe
— is what Amati’s work captures.
With each film, shot on a single breath
of air, the viewer is drawn farther
into what feels like a meditative
state. Science is lured beyond its
conventionally rational boundaries
to account for a spiritual realm. It is
perhaps an awkward environment for
the determinedly logical, but one that
we, by our very nature, must address.
The shared aim of artist and
scientist, this show suggests, is not just
to see the world in new ways, but to
communicate that vision. If they are
successful, they can change the way
in which we also look at things. They
can reveal a new “truth”, factual or
philosophical. “The greatest scientists,”
declared Einstein, “are artists as well.”
Ektertaikmekts
Theatres
HER MAJESTY'S 020 7087 7762
THE BRILLIANT ORIGINAL
THE PHANTOM OF
THE OPERA
Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30
www.ThePhantonOfTheOpera.com
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announcement now at:
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QUEEN'S
0844 482 5160
The Musical Phenomenon
LES MISÉRABLES
Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30
www.LesMis.com
St Martin's
020 7836 1443
66th year of Agatha Christie's
THE MOUSETRAP
Mon-Sat 7.30, Tues & Thu 3, Sat 4
www.the-mousetrap.co.uk
Vaudeville Theatre 0330 333 4814
Oscar Wilde's LADY
WINDERMERE'S
FAN
Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Thu & Sat 2.30
Classicspring.co.uk
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calls to the
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can cost up to
mikute plus y
provider’s cos
14
1G T
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
television & radio
Portillo’s eye-popping pants steal the show
BBC
Carol
Midgley
TV review
Great Continental
Railway Journeys
BBC Two
{{{((
Four Days That
Shook Britain
ITV
{{{{(
M
ichael Portillo’s cunning
plan to establish himself
as the Lucy Worsley of
the travel doc is coming
along nicely. Worsley’s
dressing-up forays involve flamboyant
historical costumes, while Portillo’s
peacockish ensembles invariably
come from his own wardrobe. But the
threads are becoming his signature
plume. In Great Continental Railway
Journeys we were afforded the
Radio Choice
Joe Clay
Sounds of the 80s
Radio 2, 10pm
In a special rock-flavoured
edition Joe Elliott and Rick
Savage of the Sheffield
rockers Def Leppard join
Sara Cox to discuss their
riotous ride through the
Eighties. The band,
especially Elliott, have
always given good
anecdotes. In an interview
with The Times in 2015 the
singer revealed how, while
in Tokyo in 1983, the band
almost formed a drunken
supergroup with members
of Duran Duran. Cox also
plays some of the decade’s
hairiest rock anthems.
The Verb at Free
Thinking
Radio 3, 10pm
The theme of this year’s
Free Thinking festival is the
fast-changing relationship
between the individual and
the crowd. The bestselling
novelist Joanna Trollope’s
latest novel, City of Friends,
examines “the bumpy
journey towards harmony
for blended families”. She
joins the poet Ian McMillan
live at Sage Gateshead,
to explore the idea of
“the many”. Also joining
the discussion is The Verb’s
New Voice Kirsty Taylor
while the spoken-word
artist Hollie McNish
performs her work.
dazzling sight of the former defence
secretary in the Azerbaijan national
costume, a sort of fur Cossack hat
with green silk dressing gown, the like
of which I imagine Harvey Weinstein
might be fond. But there was no
shortage of his own eye-poppers as he
went from Georgia to Azerbaijan in
bright pink trews that might have been
stolen from Geoffrey out of Rainbow.
These journeys are a pleasant
way to spend an hour even though
Portillo’s questions are sometimes
jaw-droppingly basic. “Who was Josef
Stalin?” he asked at the museum in
Tbilisi about the Soviet dictator’s life.
Honestly, Michael? Fair enough to
start with a warm-up question, but
it sounded as if you didn’t know. I’m
also wondering if Portillo gets £1 for
every time he mentions Bradshaw’s
Continental Railway Guide, published,
as he told us often, in 1913. It was
“Bradshaw’s this” and “Bradshaw’s
that”. Might he be writing his own
similar guide for the 21st century?
You can’t knock Portillo’s
enthusiasm, though. Not every
presenter could almost yodel with
joy for a trip that involves admiring
1,800km of oil pipeline. Although it’s
probably rooted in gratitude. Instead
of being the MP for Enfield Southgate
he’s now drinking Georgian wine
and channelling his inner thespian
for the BBC. And, I imagine, getting
paid a damn sight more for it.
Radio 1
FM: 96.7-99.8 MHz
6.30am The Radio 1 Breakfast Show with
Nick Grimshaw 10.00 Clara Amfo 12.45pm
Newsbeat 1.00 Scott Mills 4.00 The Official
Chart with Greg James 5.45 Newsbeat 6.00
Radio 1’s Dance Anthems with Greg James
7.00 Annie Mac 9.00 Pete Tong. Dance
tracks 11.00 Danny Howard 1.00am
B.Traits 4.00 Radio 1’s Essential Mix
Radio 2
FM: 88-90.2 MHz
6.30am Chris Evans 9.30 Ken Bruce 12.00
Jeremy Vine 2.00pm Steve Wright 5.00
Simon Mayo 7.00 Tony Blackburn’s Golden
Hour 8.00 Friday Night Is Music Night. The
BBC Concert Orchestra perform music by
Queen at the London Coliseum (r)
10.00 Sounds of the 80s. Sara Cox plays a
selection of music from the decade and is
joined by guests who reflect on their careers
during the 1980s. See Radio Choice
12.00 Anneka Rice: The Happening 2.00am
Radio 2’s Funky Soul Playlist 3.00 Radio 2
Playlist: New to 2 4.00 Radio 2 Playlist: 21st
Century Songs 5.00 Huey on Saturday
Radio 3
FM: 90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30am Breakfast
Music, news and the occasional surprise,
with Petroc Trelawny. Including 7.00, 8.00
News. 7.30, 8.30 News Headlines
9.00 Essential Classics
The journalist, war correspondent, author
and broadcaster Kate Adie reveals the
cultural influences that have inspired her life
12.00 Composer of the Week:
Haydn (1732-1809)
Donald Macleod explores a hugely successful
episode in Haydn’s life, his London years.
Haydn (O’er the Moor Amang the Heather,
Hob XXXIa:122; Piano Trio in F sharp minor,
Hob XV:26; Symphony No 104 in D, Hob I:104
“London”; and O Tuneful Voice Hob XXVIa:42)
1.00pm News
1.02 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert
From the Royal Conservatoire in Glasgow, the
violist and former Radio 3 New Generation
Artist Eivind Holtsmark Ringstad plays
unjustly neglected works alongside their
more celebrated contemporaries. Sinding
arr Røsth (Suite in the Old Style, Op 10);
Enescu (Concertpiece); Bridge (Pensiero
and Allegro Appasionata); Ravel (Piece en
forme de Habanera); and Rebecca Clarke
(Sonata for viola and piano)
Michael Portillo can’t resist dressing up in Azerbaijan
2.00 Afternoon Concert
Kate Molleson presents the last of a week of
concerts by the BBC Philharmonic, featuring
the pianist Kathryn Stott. Elgar (Overture:
Cockaigne); Rachmaninov (Piano Concerto No
1 in F sharp minor, Op 1); Sibelius (Symphony
No 1 in E minor, Op 39); Elgar (The Pipes
of Pan); Berlioz (Overture: Le Carnaval
Romain); Beethoven (Piano Concerto
No 2 in B flat, Op 19); and Tchaikovksy
(Symphony No 4 in F minor, Op 36)
5.00 In Tune
Sean Rafferty presents a lively mix of chat,
arts news and live performance. His guests
include Santiago Quartet and the Gesualdo
Six. Including 5.00, 6.00 News
7.00 In Tune Mixtape
An eclectic non-stop mix of music,
featuring old favourites together with
lesser-known gems, and a few surprises
thrown in for good measure. The
perfect way to usher in the evening
7.30 Live Radio 3 in Concert
Ian Skelly presents from the Cadogan Hall,
London, as Roger Norrington conducts the
SWR Symphony Orchestra in an allBeethoven programme, featuring the pianist
Francesco Piemontesi. Beethoven (Overture:
The Creatures of Prometheus; Piano Concerto
No 3; and Symphony No 3 “Eroica”)
10.00 The Verb at Free Thinking
Ian McMillan presents from Radio 3’s
Free Thinking Festival of ideas at Sage,
Gateshead. The theme of the festival is
The One and the Many, and for this edition,
Ian and guests Joanna Trollope, Hollie
McNish and Kirsty Taylor are turning their
attention to The Many. Plus, music by
the Unthanks. See Radio Choice
10.45 The Essay:
New Generation Thinkers
Alastair Fraser talks about teenagers, street
life and filling time. Doing nothing has
become the mantra of 21st-century life. In an
accelerated world, people yearn for a space
where minds are emptied, iPhones left at the
door, but doing nothing is not always a
choice. For young people, bored on the
streets — it is all there is — and for them
doing nothing is always doing something.
The speaker has written books, including
Gangs and Crime: Critical Alternatives and
Urban Legends: Gang Identity in the
Post-Industrial City, which was awarded the
British Society of Criminology Book Prize
11.00 World on 3
Lopa Kothari introduces Haitian roots music,
courtesy of Chouk Bwa Libète. Plus,
new tracks from across the globe
1.00am Through the Night
Radio 4
FM: 92.4-94.6 MHz LW: 198kHz MW: 720 kHz
5.30am News Briefing
5.43 Prayer for the Day
5.45 Farming Today
5.58 Tweet of the Day
6.00 Today
With Nick Robinson and Mishal Husain
8.31 (LW) Yesterday in Parliament
9.00 Desert Island Discs
The writer and philosopher John Gray selects
records to take to the mythical island (r)
9.45 (LW) Daily Service
9.45 An Alternative History of Art
Iwona Blazwick profiles photographer
Rotimi Fani-Kayode. Last in the series
10.00 Woman’s Hour
Discussion and interviews, presented by
Jenni Murray. Including at 10.45 the 15
Minute Drama: Part five of the 11th
series of A Small Town Murder
11.00 The Charity Business
Matthew Taylor speaks to charities, service
users, and commissioners about the
relationship with government (2/3)
11.30 A Charles Paris Mystery:
Dead Room Farce
By Jeremy Front. The cast members seem to
have secrets, leaving Charles to determine
who would go as far as murder to protect
themselves. With Bill Nighy (4/4)
12.01pm (LW) Shipping Forecast
12.04 Home Front
By Sarah Daniels (10/40)
12.15 You and Yours
1.00 The World at One
1.45 Horse Story
A look at how horses are helping with
mental, physical and social problem (5/5)
2.00 The Archers (r)
2.15 Drama: School Drama
By Andy Mulligan. The failing school brings
in has-been television star Geoff Cathcart to
help stage a production of Romeo and Juliet.
However, Geoff is not quite who he seems.
With Tom Hollander (3/4) (r)
3.00 Gardeners’ Question Time
Experts answer listeners’ queries in Leicester
3.45 From Fact to Fiction
Joan Smith’s story inspired by events
unfolding in Salisbury
4.00 Last Word
Obituaries presented by Matthew Bannister
4.30 Feedback
4.55 The Listening Project
Afraid he would lose his family, a son
delayed telling his mum he is a trans man.
Now they are closer than ever
5.00 PM
I expected Four Days That Shook
Britain to be a mawkish rake over the
misery caused by last year’s terrorist
attacks at Westminster, Manchester,
London Bridge and Finsbury Park
mosque. Although such anniversary
documentaries can, when done well, be
more than just harrowing. They can be
strangely uplifting.
This was one of them. Because what
rises from the murder and carnage is
often a story of love, selflessness and
resilience. From the London tour
guide who leapt off her bus to comfort
a dying man on Westminster Bridge to
the heroes of Borough Market who
threw chairs at the knifemen to eightyear-old Lily Harrison, whose little
back was ripped apart by the nailsand-bolts bomb in Manchester, but
who didn’t want to tell her classmates
in case it gave them nightmares.
It was, as it always is, hard to
watch parents and partners crying
for dead loved ones. But poignantly
this documentary dwelled more on
humanity than inhumanity, leaving
a sense that there is more good than
bad in the world. Importantly, it also
didn’t give too much airtime to the
execrable terrorists responsible, who
deserve not one nanosecond of
notoriety or “fame”. In my view it
would be better to have denied them
the posthumous oxygen of publicity
and not shown their faces at all.
carol.midgley@thetimes.co.uk
5.54 (LW) Shipping Forecast
6.00 Six O’Clock News
6.30 The Now Show
Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis re-cap
the week’s events (3/6)
7.00 The Archers
Emma is concerned
7.15 Front Row
Kirsty Lang presents
7.45 A Small Town Murder
By Scott Cherry (5/5) (r)
8.00 Any Questions?
Topical discussion from the English Martyrs
Catholic School in Leicester
8.50 A Point of View
Kamila Shamsie reflects on a topical issue
9.00 Home Front Omnibus
Parts 6-10. By Sarah Daniels
10.00 The World Tonight
With James Reynolds
10.45 Book at Bedtime: The Long Drop
By Denise Mina (10/10)
11.00 A Good Read
Harriett Gilbert, Nina Stibbe and Kit de Waal
discuss their favourite books
11.30 Today in Parliament
Mark D’Arcy reports from Westminster
11.55 The Listening Project
Friends Adrian and Peter examine the impact
that fatherhood has had on their lives
12.00 News and Weather
12.30am An Alternative History of Art
Last in the series (r)
12.48 Shipping Forecast
1.00 As BBC World Service
Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
8.00am I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again 8.30
Brothers in Law 9.00 The Motion Show 9.30
Kathmandu or Bust 10.00 The Raj Quartet
11.00 Five Stories by Penelope Fitzgerald
11.15 Stream, River, Sea 12.00 I’m Sorry I’ll
Read That Again 12.30pm Brothers in Law
1.00 The Adventure of the Clapham Cook
1.30 In Search of the Singing Postman 2.00
A Delicate Truth 2.15 Grimm Thoughts 2.30
The Old Curiosity Shop 2.45 Perilous
Question: The Drama of the Great Reform
Bill 1832 3.00 The Raj Quartet 4.00 The
Motion Show 4.30 Kathmandu or Bust 5.00
The Emerald Green Show 5.30 In and Out of
the Kitchen 6.00 Pattern Recognition 6.30
Mastertapes 7.00 I’m Sorry I’ll Read That
Again 7.30 Brothers in Law. Comedy 8.00
The Adventure of the Clapham Cook. Poirot
mystery by Agatha Christie 8.30 In Search of
the Singing Postman. DJ Taylor goes in
search of 1960s singer Allan Smethurst
9.00 Podcast Radio Hour. Amanda Litherland
and Ben Hunte chat about their favourite
podcasts 10.00 Comedy Club: In and Out
of the Kitchen. Damien’s mother arrives
unexpectedly 10.30 Ian D Montfort Is:
Unbelievable. With guest Joe Swash 10.55
The Comedy Club Interview. Arthur Smith
chats to star of The Mash Report, Rachel
Parris 11.00 Listen Against. Martin Jarvis
reads from a Haynes manual 11.30 Chain
Reaction. The poet and musician John Hegley
interviews the comedian Jack Dee
Radio 5 Live
MW: 693, 909
6.00am 5 Live Breakfast 10.00 Chiles on
Friday 12.00 Kermode and Mayo’s Film
Review 1.00pm The Cheltenham Festival.
Including the Cheltenham Gold Cup 4.00
5 Live Drive 7.00 5 Live Sport: The Friday
Football Social 10.00 Stephen Nolan
1.00am Up All Night 5.00 5 Live Boxing
with Costello & Bunce 5.30 Fit & Fearless
talkSPORT
MW: 1053, 1089 kHz
6.00am The Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast
with Ally McCoist 10.00 Jim White, Perry
Groves and Bob Mills 1.00pm Hawksbee and
Jacobs 4.00 Adrian Durham and Darren
Gough 7.00 Kick-off 10.00 The Two Mikes
1.00am Extra Time with Tom Latchem
6 Music
Digital only
7.00am Shaun Keaveny 10.00 Lauren
Laverne 1.00pm Mark Radcliffe and Stuart
Maconie 4.00 Steve Lamacq 7.00 Iggy Pop
9.00 Tom Ravenscroft 12.00 Nemone’s
Electric Ladyland 2.00am 6 Music Classic
Concert 3.00 6 Music Live Hour 4.00 The
Radiohead Story 5.00 Chris Hawkins
Classic FM
FM: 100-102 MHz
6.00am More Music Breakfast 9.00 John
Suchet 1.00pm Aled Jones 5.00 Classic FM
Drive 7.00 Smooth Classics 8.00 The Full
Works Concert. Catherine Bott introduces
music by the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra.
Vaughan Williams (Fantasia on
Greensleeves); Respighi (Ancient Airs and
Dances — Suite No 1); Mozart (Serenade in C
minor); Gluck (Dance of the Blessed Spirits);
Strauss (Divertimento Op 86); and Weber
(Clarinet Concerto No 1 in F minor) 10.00
Smooth Classics. With Margherita Taylor
1.00am Katie Breathwick 4.00 Jane Jones
the times | Friday March 16 2018
15
1G T
Pop
Paloma Faith
The O2,, SE10
first night
Joshua Stewart,
Mimi Doulton
and Elliott
Carlton Hines
Comedy
Rob Schneider
Leicester Square Theatre,
WC2
P
{{{((
aloma Faith’s transition from
ballsy torch singer to retro
disco queen has, for the most
part, worked a treat. Her latest
album, The Architect, is on
course to follow its three predecessors
to platinum sales, but in stepping on
the dancefloor she has found her niche
and seen her profile soar.
At the O2, however, it proved
problematic. After the Samuel L
Jackson monologue that opens
The Architect had boomed out across
the arena, Faith emerged from a
trapdoor atop a set of steps on a glitzy
stage primed to party. Unfortunately,
the audience had a different idea. For
the first 40 minutes they stayed seated
and mostly motionless. Not even the
1970s disco-soaked stomper Crybaby
or a sassy, high-energy Surrender
could lure them to their feet.
Ever the trouper, Faith simply
doubled her determination to make
them dance. Why they resisted for so
long was hard to say. Clearly most had
come for the Amy Winehouse-lite,
MOR ballads with which the former
cabaret act made her name. There
were plenty of those — a jazzy Lost
and Lonely, for which she draped
herself over a piano, was sensational
— but, puzzlingly, they received little
more than polite applause.
Musically, Faith can tend towards
being tame, but as a performer she’s
a no-holds-barred hoot. Her outfit,
of shimmering leotard, boots and a
“bubble wrap” jacket, was high-tech
Barbarella. Her female-first chat
was funny. On trying to lose 4st of
baby weight, she joked: “I’ve kept
some as a souvenir.”
Twice she droned on for too long
about politics and social responsibility,
yet when she stuck to singing and
slinking between members of her
mostly female band, she was superb.
“Get on your feet!” Faith ordered the
audience before a funky Can’t Rely On
You. And, finally, the gig got going.
Lisa Verrico
Motorpoint Arena, Cardiff,
tomorrow, Sun
Concert
BBC PO/Mena
Media City UK, Salford
E
{{{((
ven in 1820 it was probably
insensitive for a composer to
write an opera called
The Happy Slaves. Perhaps,
though, we can forgive Juan
Crisóstomo de Arriaga. He was 14.
The opera has been lost, which may
not be a bad thing, but the surviving
overture — opening item in this BBC
Philharmonic exploration of Arriaga’s
music, stylishly conducted by Juanjo
Mena — shows why the boy from
Bilbao caused a sensation when he
arrived at the Paris Conservatoire.
Gentler than Rossini, but in the same
ebullient spirit, and reminiscent of
Schubert’s Rosamunde overture in its
effortless tunefulness, it signals the
arrival of a prodigy.
Why, then, is the composer labelled
“the Spanish Mozart” (mainly because
they shared a birthday, although
K
{{(((
I prayed for the end
This ambitious
new opera
about Lazarus
is an epic
musical failure,
says Richard
Morrison
Opera
Wake
B12, Birmingham
{{(((
O
ver the years Graham
Vick’s community-rooted
Birmingham Opera
Company has made an
awesome art form out of
mounting epic, promenade-style
music-theatre in grim warehouses. It’s
easy to be dazzled by the rough-hewn
spectacle — theatre of poverty done
on a Cecil B DeMille scale — and by
the military precision with which Vick
shunts around his cast of hundreds as
well as the audience. I fear, however,
that with the world premiere of Wake,
by the veteran composer Giorgio
Battistelli and the playwright Sarah
Woods, BOC has poured energy and
resourcefulness into a pretentious dud.
The title is a pun: wake in the sense
of what follows a funeral (we are all
invited to wrap our heads in black
veils as the show begins), but also as in
“waking the dead” because the opera
retells the story of Jesus bringing
Lazarus back to life. With a sceptical,
bitter twist, naturally. Jesus is given an
even harder time here than by the
Pharisees in the Bible. Lazarus’s
grieving sisters chastise Jesus for
arriving too late to save their brother
from dying. Then the resurrected
Lazarus is bewildered and distraught
50 years apart) not better known?
The answer is tragic. Arriaga died
at 19. Even Schubert and Mozart
got into their thirties. Consequently
he’s one of the most intriguing “if
only” figures in music history. It’s a
pity that the sweet-toned Norwegian
soprano Berit Norbakken Solset didn’t
have the vocal heft to do full justice
to Arriaga’s tremendously vivid “scene
lyrique-dramatique” Herminie, a
15-minute explosion of nascent
Romantic anguish.
There was no power shortage,
however, in the orchestra’s surge
through Arriaga’s biggest surviving
work, the Symphony in D, which is
remarkable not just for the way it
hovers between D major and D minor,
and between sanguine melody and
distressed frenzy, but also because it
is so well-crafted and contrapuntally
inventive. Dare one say it’s more
imaginative than what Mozart
produced in his teens? Hmm, let
me give that a bit more thought.
Meanwhile, you can catch the whole
concert on the Radio 3 website.
Richard Morrison
Pop
Joan Baez
Symphony Hall,
Birmingham
{{{{{
Frankenstein is
reborn at the
Royal Exchange
First Night, main paper
rather than grateful. And when Jesus
is crucified, no one watches because
Lazarus is being paraded in a boat,
observing the misery of the human
condition to which Jesus is oblivious.
There are typical Vick coups, none
more startling than Lazarus’s
resurrection, with a crash of iron
shutters from the least expected
direction. The cast, led by Joshua
Stewart, Nardus Williams, Mimi
Doulton and Elliott Carlton Hines, are
faultless. Yet for all the frenetic crowd
movements, there’s no compelling
dramatic momentum and the religious
satire has a dreary predictability.
Battistelli’s music, though brilliantly
conducted by Jonathon Heyward, is
just as diffuse, dated and forgettable:
avant-garde effects that Penderecki
and Berio were doing better half a
century ago, mashed up with monklike choral intoning and flatulent
cadenzas from parading brass
instruments. Sometimes I felt as if I
were trapped in that Secret Policeman’s
Ball sketch where everyone surrounds
Peter Cook and chants: “The end is
nigh.” That, however, was over in five
minutes; this lasts 80. Unlike Lazarus,
it’s not likely to be revived.
Box office: 0121 246 6632, to Tuesday
I
f this really is her farewell tour,
Joan Baez is bowing out in style.
This was a truly memorable
performance, poised yet emotional,
dignified yet witty.
Anyone hoping to hear the pure
soprano of yesteryear may have been
disappointed; Baez is 77 and admits
that time has taken its toll on her
vocal cords. Yet as she demonstrates
on her superb new album, Whistle
Down the Wind, she has fashioned
a darker and no less poetic instrument
for herself. In fact, if her younger voice
sometimes verged on melodramatic,
the newer, earthier incarnation sounds
even more compelling.
Her political idealism certainly
seems undimmed. The Times They Are
a-Changin’ was dedicated to the school
pupils campaigning for a change in
America’s gun laws. And if she didn’t
mention her country’s president by
name the fact that Barack Obama was
the subject of Zoe Mulford’s ballad,
The President Sang Amazing Grace, was
an eloquent verdict on his successor.
Populists, though, would argue that
Baez’s homily on refugees and
udos to Rob Schneider, over
from Hollywood for this
five-night tour of British
comedy clubs, for starting
his first London show with
something topical. As Schneider riffed
on that morning’s death of Stephen
Hawking, it was sometimes sharp,
sometimes cheerfully crass, but always
present tense. It was — or felt — just
for us, just for today.
The rest of his 80-minute set
showed Schneider (Deuce Bigalow:
Male Gigolo, several Adam Sandler
comedies) to be a poised performer
who relies too much on stand-up
standbys about men and women,
sex and love. Looking sharp in his
suit and flowery shirt, he alternated
between an urbane default mode and
an energised goofiness when he was
imitating someone else.
For a while he mixed the expected
with the edgy, as he swam through the
shark-infested waters of Hollywood
males and Me Too. I liked the routine
in which he gave a cautious thumbsup to Matt Damon’s much-derided
contribution to the debate before
pretending to condemn him like
everyone else once his wife had
maligned him. At points like these, or
when he suggested that these days his
neighbour Caitlyn Jenner is more
controversial for being a Republican
than for being a woman, he mixed the
blokey with the thoughtful.
Increasingly, though, such original
sentiments fight a losing battle with
old jokes about men wanting sex and
women wanting relationships, about
Trump’s tweets and the Clintons’
marriage. Combine that with
Schneider’s detached delivery and you
start to feel as if you’ve heard all this
too many times before. By the time he
was doing jokes about husbands trying
not to criticise their wives’ driving, a
late-night crowd that had given him
a lusty welcome had grown weary.
Dominic Maxwell
The Asylum, Birmingham
(0121 233 1109), tonight
immigrants, delivered between songs,
is a gift to the Steve Bannons of this
world: “We have so much, they have
so little. Let ’em in.”
As on her last visit to the UK,
the accompaniment was a perfect
example of less-is-more. The
multi-instrumentalist Dirk Powell
provided endless subtleties on
guitars, banjo and piano. Baez’s son,
Gabriel Harris, added the deftest
of percussion, while the occasional
sorties from the backing singer Grace
Stumberg injected just the right hint
of youthful passion.
If Baez remains a political animal, it
was her meditation on mortality and
loss on Another World — borrowed
from Anohni of Antony and the
Johnsons — that made the biggest
impression. The song, she explained,
“probably reflects how I feel better
than any song I know”. Conjuring up a
dirge-like beat on her guitar using the
flat of her hand, she peered deep into
the abyss without losing her nerve.
Clive Davis
Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow, tonight;
Usher Hall, Edinburgh, tomorrow
16
1G T
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
television & radio
Viewing Guide
James Jackson
Pilgrimage: The
Road to Santiago
BBC Two, 9pm
The notion of
a presenter
or contestant
going on an
emotional “journey”
has become a defining
cliché of reality TV.
This three-part series,
Early
Top
pick
however, can lay claim
to the term more
robustly than most. It’s
an agreeable travelogue
featuring famous
faces on a two-week
pilgrimage from the
Pyrenees to the
Camino de Santiago.
For the celebrities
it’s a back-breaking
two-week trek, but
also one on which they
contemplate their faith
(or lack of it). The
participants are a
motley collection of
names mainly from the
world of entertainment,
representing a variety
of faiths and beliefs,
including Christian,
atheist and humanist.
The actor Neil
Morrissey, for example,
says: “Growing up and
having Catholicism
instilled in you kind
of makes you doubt it
later on. I have faith in
the goodness of people,
but I don’t believe in
God.” Initially, at least,
the arduousness of the
hike is not bringing
him “closer to God, but
closer to death”, as he
quips. Debbie McGee,
whose husband, the
magician Paul Daniels,
died in 2016, hopes that
the pilgrimage will
offer her some sort of
enlightenment to help
her to cope with grief.
Others on the hike
include the journalist
Raphael Rowe, the
singer Heather Small,
the priest Kate Bottley,
the comedian Ed Byrne
and the TV presenter
JJ Chalmers. The
mountain scenery is
impressive, but more so
is the intention of the
series to put questions
of religion and faith
at the heart of a
primetime programme.
Scruffts: Britain’s
Favourite Dog
Channel 4, 8pm
After the A-list pageant
that is Crufts comes
the dog-eared everydog
version. Every
year about 2,000
crossbreeds gatecrash
Crufts to get down
to brass tacks and
compete in the
categories that really
matter: the Child’s Best
Friend winner, the
homeless shelter
therapy dog and so
on. Each four-legged
semi-finalist has its
own story, such as the
rehomed star of stage
and screen Golden
Oldie. The comedian
Alan Carr will hear
all about this before
helping to decide
which will win the
Scruffts Family Dog of
the Year. Woof woof !
BBC One
BBC Two
ITV
Channel 4
Channel 5
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Holding Back the Years. Fiona
Phillips investigates the social care system (AD) 10.00
Homes Under the Hammer. Properties in Devon, Co
Durham and south Wales (r) (AD) 11.00 The Sheriffs
Are Coming. Tommy and Mike make plans to remove a
very special sports car 11.45 Caught Red Handed.
A Hallowe’en raid on a clothes shop by ghostly men in
grotesque masks (r) (AD) 12.15pm Bargain Hunt. The
antiques hunting series visits Southwell Racecourse in
Nottinghamshire (AD) 1.00 BBC News at One; Weather
1.30 BBC Regional News; Weather 1.45 Doctors. Heston
hopes to help a young couple affected by a medical
emergency (AD) 2.15 A Place to Call Home. Sarah learns
from Leah that Regina is back in Inverness 3.00 Escape to
the Country. A couple desperate to invest £425,000 in
their perfect home in Somerset (AD) 3.45 Coast and
Country Auctions. Lincolnshire farmer John Dix sets out
to sell nearly a tonne of potatoes. Last in the series
4.30 Flog It! People in Weston-super-Mare bring their
valuables along for valuation (r) 5.15 Pointless. Quiz
show hosted by Alexander Armstrong (r) 6.00 BBC News
at Six; Weather 6.30 BBC Regional News; Weather
6.00am The Repair Shop (r) 6.30 Holding Back the Years
(r) (AD) 7.15 The Sheriffs Are Coming (r) 8.00 Sign
Zone: Back in Time for Tea (r) (AD, SL) 9.00 Victoria
Derbyshire 11.00 BBC Newsroom Live 12.00 Daily
Politics 1.00pm Two Tribes. Quiz hosted by Richard
Osman (r) 1.30 Yes Chef. The third final. Hosted by
Sheree Murphy (r) 2.15 Your Home in Their Hands.
Ceila Sawyer presents as amateur interior designers
transform two homes (r) (AD) 3.15 Planet Earth. David
Attenborough focuses on animals living in deserts, from
guanacos in the dry Atacama in Chile to the wild camels
eating snow in the Mongolian Gobi (r) (AD) 4.15 Into the
Wild with Gordon Buchanan. The naturalist takes John
Simpson to the Cairngorms in search of the rarest and
most elusive creature in the UK — the Scottish wildcat.
Last in the series (r) (AD) 5.15 Put Your Money Where
Your Mouth Is. Paul Hayes and John Cameron visit an
auction in Warrington and go head-to-head over a cameo
brooch, and Paul resorts to sneaky tactics to hide items
from his rival (r) 6.00 Eggheads. Quiz show hosted by
Jeremy Vine 6.30 The Repair Shop. The team restores
a broken pipe and a dilapidated gramophone
6.00am Good Morning Britain. George Lamb discusses
how training is going ahead of next month’s London
Marathon and the help he has had from Joe Wicks and Mo
Farah 8.30 Lorraine. Entertainment, current affairs and
fashion news, as well as showbiz stories, cooking and
gossip 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Studio chat show
10.30 This Morning. Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford
present a mix of chat, lifestyle features, advice and
competitions 12.30pm ITV News; Weather 1.00 Live ITV
Racing: Cheltenham Festival. Coverage of the fourth and
final day of the festival, including feature race the 3.30
Timico Cheltenham Gold Cup Steeplechase. Plus, further
races at 1.30, 2.10, 2.50 and 4.10. With analysis from
AP McCoy, Luke Harvey and Mick Fitzgerald, reports by
Matt Chapman, Brian Gleeson, Oli Bell and Alice Plunkett,
and commentary by Richard Hoiles and Brough Scott
4.30 Britain’s Best Walks with Julia Bradbury.
A trek through the rolling plains of Cheshire, a trail with
eight counties on show, two castles to explore and
spectacular views across to Wales and Liverpool (r) 5.00
The Chase. Quiz show hosted by Bradley Walsh 6.00
Regional News; Weather 6.30 ITV News; Weather
6.00am Live Winter Paralympics. Further coverage of day
seven, which features banked slalom snowboarding and
wheelchair curling 8.00 Winter Paralympics Breakfast.
Including highlights of the banked slalom snowboarding
and wheelchair curling 9.00 Frasier (r) (AD) 10.05
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA. An Irish pub
hampered by family feuds (r) 11.00 Undercover Boss
USA. The CEO of a fast-food chain works incognito among
her employees (r) 12.00 Channel 4 News Summary
12.05pm Come Dine with Me. Four contestants in
Salisbury compete (r) 1.05 Posh Pawnbrokers. A deal
on a rare gold disc by Olivia Newton-John (r) 2.10
Countdown. With guest Suzi Perry 3.00 A Place in the
Sun: Home or Away. Searching for a property in Lytham St
Annes and southern Brittany (r) 4.00 A New Life in the
Sun. A couple from Wales struggle to keep afloat on the
Costa del Sol 5.00 Four in a Bed. The B&B owners meet
up for the last time to settle some scores (r) 5.30
Extreme Cake Makers. Last in the series (r) 6.00
The Simpsons. Grampa revisits his days as a feared
television wrestler (r) (AD) 6.30 Hollyoaks. Darcy and
Jack make an announcement to the Osbornes (AD)
6.00am Milkshake! 9.15 The Wright Stuff. Matthew
Wright and his guests talk about the issues of the day
11.15 Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away. Agents Max and
Steve head to London to try and recover over £21,000
in unpaid court costs, while officers Aron and Iain in
Middlesex have a writ of nearly £4,000 (r) 12.10pm
5 News Lunchtime 12.15 GPs: Behind Closed Doors.
Carrie tells the story of her diagnosis of body dysmorphic
disorder, while Sue describes how she feared she was
developing Parkinson’s Disease before she sought help
(r) (AD) 1.10 Access 1.15 Home and Away (AD) 1.45
Neighbours (AD) 2.20 NCIS: Naval Killer. Vance insists on
taking charge of an investigation into the fatal shooting
of a boxer — but finds his past coming under scrutiny as
the case unfolds (r) (AD) 3.15 FILM: Locked Away
(PG, 2010) A pregnant teenager seeks help from a
school counsellor, who exploits the situation for her own
benefit. Thriller starring Kirsten Zien and Jean Louisa
Kelly 5.00 5 News at 5 5.30 Neighbours. Piper is
distressed at being summoned to give evidence at
Louise’s trial (r) (AD) 6.00 Home and Away. Ash burns
down the cottage (r) (AD) 6.30 5 News Tonight
7.00 Emmerdale Aaron desperately tries
to keep a secret contained. Meanwhile,
Paddy and Chas prepare to deliver
unexpected news (AD)
7.30 Coronation Street Josh and David
hit the town together, Fiz makes
a shocking discovery, and Robert
overhears an intriguing row (AD)
7.00 Channel 4 News
8PM
8.00 EastEnders Big Mo turns up at
Stacey’s house with bad news about
Kat, and Patrick finds Ted at the
allotments hiding from Joyce (AD)
8.30 Room 101 Bill Bailey, Una Stubbs and
Alice Levine share their gripes, which
include taramasalata, people who talk
too loudly and drama clichés (8/9)
8.00 Mastermind Specialist subjects
include sitcom Peep Show, the
Nazi architect Albert Speer,
King Henry III and the X-Men Films
8.30 Gardeners’ World Monty Don gives
advice on how to plant bare-root trees,
and Carol Klein explores one of the
unsung heroes of the spring border
8.00 Love Your Garden The team
transforms the garden of a retired
serviceman who lost his left arm in
the Falklands conflict (5/8) (AD)
8.30 Coronation Street Fiz agrees to try
again with Tyrone, Josh takes David
back to his flat, and Ali confides his
family troubles to Steve (AD)
8.00 Scruffts: Britain’s Favourite Dog
Alan Carr follows the stories of the six
dogs competing in the semi-finals of
the Scruffts Family Crossbreed Dog of
the Year competition. Alan talks to the
owners of each before the grand final
and introduces viewers to his own
Irish setters. See Viewing Guide (AD)
8.00 The Yorkshire Steam Railway:
All Aboard Railway staff realise the
only chance of getting through the
busy summer season is if they
complete the overhaul of Repton,
a 1934 Schools class engine (3/3)
9.00 Requiem Matilda ignores Sean’s
warning that her life is in danger.
Trudy pines after Hal and rues her
harsh parting words, while Graves
grows suspicious of Kendrick and
starts to wonder whether Matilda
has been telling the truth all along.
See Viewing Guide (6/6) (AD)
9.00 Pilgrimage: The Road to Santiago
New series. Seven famous faces,
including Ed Byrne and Neil Morrissey,
don their backpacks to find out
whether a medieval pilgrimage still has
relevance today, taking on a 780km
trek across northern Spain over 15
days. See Viewing Guide (1/3) (AD)
9.00 Lethal Weapon With Christmas
approaching, Murtaugh and Riggs are
called to a homicide only to find the
victim is an old friend. Meanwhile,
Riggs gets a surprise phone call from
a close relative just in time for the
festivities. See Viewing Guide (AD)
9.00 Gogglebox Capturing the households’
instant reactions to what they are
watching on television from the
comfort of their own sofas (AD)
9.00 Jane McDonald & Friends The
Welsh songstress Bonnie Tyler and the
West End stage star Kerry Ellis join the
host, her band and dancers for a party
to remember (2/5)
7PM
7.00 Saving Lives at Sea A father and
son are in danger after trying to rescue
a dog in Ilfracombe, while the
Minehead crew must scour the
shoreline when a woman goes missing
in a distressed state (8/12) (r) (AD)
9PM
Where next?
7.00 The One Show Angellica Bell hosts
the final edition of the week
Late
11PM
10PM
7.30 MasterChef The week’s best
amateurs are challenged by the
restaurant critic Grace Dent to make
their best comfort food dish (AD)
10.00 BBC News at Ten
10.25 BBC Regional News and Weather;
followed by National Lottery Update
10.35 The Young Offenders A wild bus
ride, accidentally instigated by local
bully Billy Murphy, brings Conor, Jock
and the girls closer together — along
with other innocent passengers (6/6)
11.10 Shanghai Knights (12, 2003)
Chinese sheriff Chon Wang and
reformed bandit Roy O’Bannon head
for Victorian London on the trail of a
murderer. Their investigation leads
them to a nefarious Englishman
plotting to kill the royal family — but
fortunately Chon’ss talented sister
comes to their aid. Martial arts comedy
sequel starring Jackie Chan, Owen
Wilson and Aidan Gillen (AD)
1.05am-6.00 BBC News
10.00 QI Nish Kumar, Holly Walsh, Alan
Davies and Cariad Lloyd join host Sandi
Toksvig for an unconventional look
at multiple organisms (r)
10.30 Newsnight Analysis of the day’s
events presented by Evan Davis
10.00 ITV News at Ten
10.30 Regional News
11.05 The Assassination of Gianni
Versace: American Crime Story
Television personality and entrepreneur
Marilyn Miglin discovers that her
husband is missing (3/9) (r) (AD)
11.55 Hitchcock’s Shower Scene: 78/52
(15, 2017) Looking at the enduring
legacy of the Psycho segment
10.45 The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo
Drift (12, 2006) An American
teenager living in Japan gets involved
in illegal street racing. When he ends
up owing money to gangsters after
losing a race against a driver with
Yakuza connections, he has to learn to
master the Japanese style of driving
to win and pay back his debts. Action
adventure starring Lucas Black,
Nathalie Kelley and Bow Wow (AD)
1.20am Sign Zone: Civilisations Simon Schama
presents the first in a series of films on the history of
art (r) (AD, SL) 2.20-3.10 The Assassination of Gianni
Versace: American Crime Story. Fact-based crime drama
focusing on the murder of the fashion designer Gianni
Versace in 1997. Edgar Ramirez stars (1/9) (r) (AD, SL)
12.45am Jackpot247 Viewers get the chance to
participate in live interactive gaming 3.00 Take on the
Twisters. Julia Bradbury presents the quiz show where
contestants compete to take on the eight giant
sandtimers, with the more they keep in play, the more
money they can win (r) 3.50-6.00 ITV Nightscreen
7.30 Winter Paralympics Today
A round-up of action from day seven,
including banked slalom snowboarding
and wheelchair curling (SL)
7.00 The Gadget Show Jon Bentley
conducts a scientific test by pitting
a brand new model laser projector
against a top-notch television screen
to see how they compare. Plus, another
visit to CES in Las Vegas to look at
the more unusual offerings from the
world’s tech companies (2/12) (AD)
10.00 The Last Leg Special guests Cuba
Gooding Jr and Claudia Winkleman join
Adam Hills, Alex Brooker and Josh
Widdicombe as they round up all the
action from the Winter Paralympics in
South Korea (9/10) (SL)
10.00 Will & Grace Jack celebrates his
“one-month-aversary” with Drew,
who is still married to Angela
11.05 Winter Paralympics Highlights
Clare Balding and Jonnie Peacock
review the best of the action from day
seven in Pyeongchang, South Korea,
which included banked slalom
snowboarding and wheelchair curling
11.00 Greatest Celebrity Wind-Ups
Ever! Joe Pasquale narrates a special
documentary celebrating some of the
greatest pranks famous faces have
managed to play on each other.
Highlights include Ant and Dec setting
up Simon Cowell in a classic Saturday
Night Takeaway moment (2/6) (r)
12.20am-6.00 Live Winter Paralympics Coverage of
day eight, which features wheelchair curling, alpine
skiing, and cross-country skiing. The wheelchair curling
tournament is due to feature the bronze-medal match at
Gangneung Curling Centre, while the alpine skiing event
will see all classes of the men’s giant slalom take place
12.00 Cruising with Jane McDonald The best bits of
Jane’s trip along the Danube (r) 12.15am SuperCasino.
Live interactive gaming 3.10 FILM: Dallas Buyers Club
(15, 2013) Fact-based drama starring Matthew
McConaughey and Jared Leto 5.00 House Doctor (r) (SL)
5.25 House Busters (r) (SL) 5.50-6.00 Access (r)
10.30 Lip Sync Battle UK: Robert Webb
vs Sally Phillips New series. Melanie
Brown and Professor Green host as the
comedy actors go head-to-head (1/4)
the times | Friday March 16 2018
17
1G T
television & radio
Requiem
BBC One, 9pm
The moon is full in
Spooksville, Wales,
for the finale of the
supernatural-tinged
mystery that, for all its
flaws, has built into a
drama that’s pleasingly
hard to predict and
with a feel all of its
own. What has been
clear throughout,
though, is that it won’t
end prettily, and
tonight the occult
rumblings go the full
Dennis Wheatley as
the stubborn heroine
Matilda goes deep
under Dean House. As
with most ghost jaunts,
restraint is sacrificed
for a dramatic climax
and it may leave
you with as many
questions as answers,
but this is a higher
calibre of hokum.
confront Grant
Davenport, the
president of an uppercrust club where the
dead teenager worked,
offering him their usual
maverick wit. “You’ve
got a foot in a hornet’s
nest,” warns Donovan.
“If you’re smart . . . ”
“Oh we’re not,”
interrupts Riggs
breezily. “Ask anyone.”
Donovan’s face ends up
in a bowl of eggnog.
Lethal Weapon
ITV, 9pm
Detective Murtaugh is
in his best tropical shirt
ready for a family
holiday in Hawaii until
a teenager he once
helped is murdered
and he rushes off to vie
with gun-toting heavies
at a sleazy strip club.
Such is the lot of a Los
Angeles detective. Later
Murtaugh and Riggs
Legends of the
Canyon
Sky Arts, 9pm
Laurel Canyon in the
lush Hollywood Hills
is a place of rock music
lore. It was where
Crosby, Stills, Nash and
Young first harmonised,
where the Byrds
jammed with the
Mamas and the Papas,
and where Joni
Mitchell performed
in coffee shops. From
the mid-1960s to the
early 1970s it played
home to a colony of
musicians, where many
of the Summer of Love’s
anthems were created.
Jon Brewer’s film
evokes a time and a
place where harmony
ruled, in more ways
than one. Just imagine
what the house prices
are like now . . .
Chris Bennion
Sport Choice
Sky Main Event, 5pm
The Women’s Six
Nations continues
with the defending
champions, England,
taking on Ireland at
the Ricoh Arena in
their final match of the
championship. England
look a good bet to
retain their title after
winning their opening
three matches.
Sky One
Sky Atlantic
Sky Living
Sky Arts
Sky Main Event
Variations
6.00am Monkey Life (r) 7.00 RSPCA Animal
Rescue (r) 8.00 Motorway Patrol (r) 9.00 Road
Wars (r) 10.00 Warehouse 13 (r) 11.00 Forever
(r) (AD) 12.00 NCIS: Los Angeles (r) 1.00pm
Hawaii Five-0 (r) 3.00 NCIS: Los Angeles (r)
4.00 Stargate SG-1 (r) 5.00 The Simpsons (r)
5.30 Futurama. Bender is ordered to kill Fry (r)
6.00 Futurama. Lars proposes to Leela (r)
6.30 The Simpsons. Four episodes (r)
8.30 Modern Family. Phil shares the secrets
of selling houses on school career day (r)
9.00 Jamestown. Silas and Henry look
to profit from Massinger’s death
10.05 The Late Late Show with James Corden:
Best of the Week. Highlights of the show (r)
11.05 The Russell Howard Hour. With Juan
Mata, plus stand-up by Julian Deane (r)
12.05am Ross Kemp: Extreme World. Elephant
poaching in Mozambique (r) (AD) 1.05 Brit
Cops: Rapid Response (r) (AD) 2.00 Most
Shocking (r) 3.00 The Force: Essex (r) 4.00
It’s Me or the Dog (r) (AD) 5.00 Futurama (r)
6.00am The Guest Wing (r) (AD) 8.00 Richard
E Grant’s Hotel Secrets (r) (AD) 9.00 The West
Wing (r) 11.00 House (r) (AD) 1.00pm Without
a Trace (r) 2.00 Blue Bloods (r) (AD) 3.00 The
West Wing (r) 5.00 House (r) (AD)
6.00 House. Thirteen is forced to take her
one-night stand to the hospital (r) (AD)
7.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. The team
reopens an old kidnapping case (r)
8.00 Blue Bloods. A case becomes personal for
Danny when he works to protect a nurse (r)
9.00 Game of Thrones. Margaery and her
grandmother encourage Sansa to speak freely
about Joffrey, and Arya encounters outlaw group
the Brotherhood Without Banners (r) (AD)
10.15 Game of Thrones. Jaime strikes
a deal with his captors (r) (AD)
11.25 Game of Thrones. Arya is brought before
the commander of outlaw group the
Brotherhood Without Banners (r) (AD)
12.35am Mosaic (r) 1.35 Billions (r) (AD)
2.45 Dexter (r) 4.00 The West Wing (r)
6.00am 60 Minute Makeover (r) 7.00 Obese:
A Year to Save My Life USA (r) 8.00 The Real
A&E (r) (AD) 9.00 Criminal Minds (r) 10.00
Cold Case (r) 11.00 The Biggest Loser: Australia
12.00 Obese: A Year to Save My Life USA (r)
1.00pm Stop, Search, Seize (r) (AD) 2.00
Nothing to Declare (r) 4.00 Border Security:
Canada’s Front Line (r) (AD) 5.00 CSI: Crime
Scene Investigation (r) 6.00 Criminal Minds (r)
7.00 The Real A&E (3/10) (r) (AD)
7.30 The Real A&E (2/10) (r) (AD)
8.00 America’s Next Top Model. Reality series
9.00 The Good Doctor. Shaun bonds with a
young patient who has Moebius syndrome
10.00 Nashville. Juliette becomes involved in a
self-help movement, and Deacon goes on a date
11.00 Criminal Minds (r)
12.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (r)
1.00am Cold Case (r) 2.00 Elementary (r) (AD)
3.00 Border Security: Canada’s Front Line (r)
(AD) 4.00 Nothing to Declare (r) 5.00
The Biggest Loser: Australia (r)
6.00am Prokofiev: The Complete Symphonies
6.50 Verdi: I Due Foscari 9.00 Tales of the
Unexpected 9.30 Master of Photography (AD)
10.30 Video Killed the Radio Star (AD) 11.00
The Seventies (AD) 12.00 Soundbreaking (AD)
1.00pm Discovering: Peter Sellers 2.00 Tales of
the Unexpected 2.30 Master of Photography
(AD) 3.30 Video Killed the Radio Star (AD) 4.00
The Seventies (AD) 5.00 Soundbreaking (AD)
6.00 Discovering: Robert Shaw (AD)
7.00 Last Shop Standing. Documentary
8.00 Discovering: The Mamas & the Papas
8.30 Discovering: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
9.00 Legends of the Canyon. Documentary
exploring the musical legacy of Laurel Canyon
in Los Angeles. See Viewing Guide
11.15 California Dreamin’: The Songs of the
Mamas and the Papas. Documentary charting
the success of the Californian pop group (AD)
12.30am Classic Albums. The Grateful Dead
albums 1.50 Genesis: When in Rome 3.45 Dag
4.30 Tales of the Unexpected 5.00 Auction
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans Bitesize
6.30 Live NRL: Sydney Roosters v
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs (Kick-off 7.00).
Coverage from Allianz Stadium 8.45 Live NRL:
Brisbane Broncos v North Queensland Cowboys
(Kick-off 8.50). Coverage of the match from the
second round of fixtures, taking place at
Suncorp Stadium 10.45 My Icon: Keegan
Hirst 11.00 Champions League Quarter-Final
Draw 12.00 Live PGA Tour Golf: The Arnold
Palmer Invitational 5.00pm Live Women’s Six
Nations Rugby Union: England v Ireland (Kick-off
5.30). Coverage of the opening match in the
fifth and final round of fixtures, held at the
Ricoh Arena in Coventry
7.45 Live Betfred Super League: St Helens v
Leeds Rhinos (Kick-off 7.45). Coverage of the
match from the sixth round of fixtures,
taking place at Totally Wicked Stadium
10.00 The Debate. Discussion
11.00 Sky Sports News
12.00 Sky Sports News
BBC One N Ireland
As BBC One except: 8.30pm-9.00 Coast Lives.
Barra Best gets a bird’s-eye view of Belfast
Lough. Last in the series 10.35 Soft Border
Patrol. The patrollers carry out a suspiciously
lengthy strip search on a smuggler. Last in the
series 11.05 The Young Offenders. An
accidental wild bus ride brings everyone closer
together. Last in the series 11.40 Room 101.
With Bill Bailey, Una Stubbs and Alice Levine
12.10am FILM: Shanghai Knights (2003)
Martial arts comedy sequel starring Jackie Chan
and Owen Wilson (AD) 2.05-6.00 BBC News
Discover Britain’s best places to live
in our exclusive 48-page magazine.
Out this Sunday.
BBC Four
E4
More4
Film4
ITV2
7.00pm World News Today; Weather
7.30 Top of the Pops: 1985. Featuring Sting,
Fine Young Cannibals, China Crisis and Harold
Faltermeyer. First aired June 20 1985 (r)
8.00 Songs of Ireland. Musicians including Brian
Kennedy, Cara Dillon, Finbar Furey, Eleanor
McEvoy and Luka Bloom perform contemporary
and traditional songs from their native Ireland
at the Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow, as part of
the 2012 Celtic Connections festival (r)
9.00 The Irish Rock Story: A Tale of Two Cities.
Documentary telling the story of how rock
music evolved in Ireland over 40 years (r)
10.00 Here Comes the Summer: The
Undertones Story. Profile of the new
wave band from Northern Ireland (r)
11.00 Van Morrison Live at Eden. Recorded at
Cornwall’s Eden Project in July 2017, the
singer-songwriter performs 14 songs (r)
11.55 Top of the Pops: 1985. Featuring Sting,
Fine Young Cannibals and Harold Faltermeyer (r)
12.25am The Irish Rock Story: A Tale of Two
Cities (r) 1.25 Here Comes the Summer: The
Undertones Story (r) 2.25 Songs of Ireland (r)
3.25-3.55 The Beauty of Anatomy (r) (AD)
6.00am Hollyoaks (r) (AD) 7.00 Couples Come
Dine with Me (r) 8.00 Baby Daddy (r) 9.00
Melissa & Joey (r) 10.00 How I Met Your
Mother (r) (AD) 11.00 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (r)
(AD) 12.00 The Goldbergs (r) (AD) 1.00pm The
Big Bang Theory (r) (AD) 2.00 How I Met Your
Mother (r) (AD) 3.00 New Girl (r) (AD) 4.00
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (r) (AD) 5.00 The Goldbergs
(r) (AD) 6.00 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
6.30 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
7.00 Hollyoaks (AD)
7.30 My Hotter Half. A self-styled Barbie takes
on her real-life Ken to see who is more dateable
8.00 FILM: I, Robot (12, 2004) A detective is
convinced a robot has killed its creator, even
though it has been programmed never to harm
humans. Sci-fi thriller with Will Smith, Bridget
Moynahan and Alan Tudyk (AD)
10.00 Five Star Hotel. News of Ashley’s antics
reaches the hotel and all hell breaks loose
11.05 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD) 11.35 The
Big Bang Theory (r) (AD) 12.00 First Dates (r)
(AD) 1.05am Five Star Hotel (r) 2.10 Tattoo
Fixers (r) (AD) 3.00 Timeless (r) 3.45 Rude
Tube (r) 4.10 Couples Come Dine with Me (r)
8.55am Food Unwrapped (r) 9.30 A Place in the
Sun: Winter Sun (r) 11.35 Four in a Bed (r)
2.10pm Come Dine with Me (r) 4.50
A Place in the Sun: Winter Sun (r)
6.55 The Supervet. A mastiff undergoes surgery
on a bone tumour in its leg (r) (AD)
7.55 Grand Designs. Kevin McCloud catches up
with Cheryl Robson and Alex Reay, who were
left owing £500,000 after they rebuilt their
medieval cottage following a fire (3/4) (r) (AD)
9.00 Rough Justice. The bruised body of Viviane
Chen is found in a stable at a stud farm. Liese
and her team investigate and are led to an
inner-city Chinese restaurant. In Flemish
10.00 24 Hours in A&E. A 50-year-old
mechanical engineer is rushed in with a
suspected heart attack, while two elderly people
are admitted with possible brain haemorrhages,
so scans are required (2/8) (r) (AD)
11.05 24 Hours in A&E. A man is put on life
support following a cardiac arrest. A schoolgirl is
rushed in after a road accident (4/8) (r) (AD)
12.05am Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA (r)
1.05 24 Hours in A&E (r) (AD) 2.05 Grand
Designs (r) (AD) 3.10-3.55 8 Out of 10 Cats (r)
11.00am The Tin Star (U, 1957) Anthony
Mann’s Western with Henry Fonda (b/w)
12.50pm The Quick Gun (PG, 1964) Western
starring Audie Murphy 2.35 The Violent Men
(PG, 1955) Western with Edward G Robinson
4.30 Operation Petticoat (U, 1959) Second
World War comedy starring Cary Grant (AD)
6.50 Small Soldiers (PG, 1998) A computer
chip brings a squad of toy soldiers to life,
causing mayhem for their owner. Children’s
adventure with Kirsten Dunst and Gregory Smith
9.00 The Mechanic (15, 2011) A solitary
hitman teaches his murdered mentor’s son the
tricks of the trade so they can join forces to
seek vengeance. Action thriller remake starring
Jason Statham and Ben Foster (AD)
11.00 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
(12, 2011) The demon biker is enlisted by a
monk to help protect a boy whom the Devil has
sinister plans for. Fantasy thriller sequel with
Nicolas Cage, Idris Elba and Ciaran Hinds
12.50am-3.05 Future Shock! The Story of
2000AD (15, 2014) Documentary about the
British sci-fi comic. Featuring contributions by
Pat Mills, Carlos Ezquerra and Neil Gaiman
6.00am The Planet’s Funniest Animals (r) 6.20
Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records (r)
7.10 Who’s Doing the Dishes? (r) (AD) 7.55
Emmerdale (r) (AD) 8.55 You’ve Been Framed!
Gold (r) 9.25 The Ellen DeGeneres Show (r)
10.15 The Bachelor 12.05pm Emmerdale (r)
(AD) 1.05 You’ve Been Framed! (r) 1.35 The
Jeremy Kyle Show (r) 4.50 Judge Rinder (r)
5.50 Take Me Out. Dating show (r)
7.00 You’ve Been Framed! Gold (r)
8.00 Two and a Half Men. Walden lands
a job selling Christmas trees (r)
8.30 Two and a Half Men. Walden gives Alan
$100,000 to invest in Kate’s fashion designs (r)
9.00 FILM: Paul (15, 2011) A captive alien
escapes from a top-secret American military
base and seeks the help of two English
comic-book geeks in getting to his spaceship.
Sci-fi comedy starring Simon Pegg and
Nick Frost, with the voice of Seth Rogen
11.10 Family Guy (r) (AD)
11.35 Family Guy (r) (AD)
12.05am American Dad! (r) (AD) 1.05 Two and
a Half Men (r) 2.05 Totally Bonkers Guinness
World Records (r) 2.30 Teleshopping
ITV3
ITV4
Dave
Drama
Yesterday
6.00am Classic Coronation Street (r) 6.55
Heartbeat (r) 7.55 The Royal (r) (AD) 8.55
Judge Judy (r) 10.20 Inspector Morse (r)
12.35pm The Royal (r) (AD) 1.40 Heartbeat (r)
2.40 Classic Coronation Street (r) 3.45 On the
Buses (r) 4.55 You’re Only Young Twice (r)
5.25 Rising Damp (r) 5.55 Heartbeat (r)
7.00 Murder, She Wrote. Jessica and old
friend Dr Seth Hazlitt are kidnapped (r) (AD)
8.00 Vera. The detectives investigate two
murders in which the victims have been placed
in water and surrounded by flowers, and believe
the culprit may be linked to a group of
birdwatchers (1/4) (r) (AD)
10.00 The Good Karma Hospital. Ruby makes
a shocking decision as the monsoon begins.
Last in the series (r) (AD)
11.00 Killer Women with Piers Morgan.
The broadcaster meets a Florida woman
convicted of her husband’s murder (r) (AD)
12.00 A Touch of Frost (r) 2.00am Million
Dollar Princesses (r) 2.50 On the Buses
(r) (SL) 3.45 Rising Damp (r) 5.00
Judge Judy (r) 5.40 ITV3 Nightscreen
6.00am The Chase (r) 7.35 Pawn Stars (r) 8.25
Ironside (r) (AD) 9.30 ITV Racing: The Opening
Show 10.30 The Protectors (r) 11.00 The Saint
(r) 12.05pm The Avengers (r) 1.10 Ironside (r)
2.15 Quincy ME (r) 3.20 Minder (r) (AD) 4.25
The Saint (r) 5.30 The Avengers (r)
6.35 Storage Wars. Jarrod goes bidding with a
hangover, while Dave will not let a fight with
Laura keep him away from an auction (r)
7.05 Pawn Stars. The team values a 1920s
Charles Lindbergh doll (r)
7.35 Pawn Stars. The team tries to buy a guitar
signed by Crosby, Stills & Nash (r)
8.00 Hornblower. Newly promoted Captain
Hornblower sets out to make his mark — but
the end of the war leaves him down and out.
Drama starring Ioan Gruffudd (1/2) (r) (AD)
10.05 FILM: Firefox (15, 1982) A US pilot
comes out of retirement to steal a Soviet
high-tech fighter plane that is invisible to radar.
Action adventure starring Clint Eastwood,
Freddie Jones and David Huffman (AD)
12.50am Minder (r) (AD) 1.50 The Saint (r)
2.45 ITV4 Nightscreen 3.00 Teleshopping
6.00am Home Shopping 7.00 Scrapheap
Challenge Roadshow: Welly Wanging 8.10
American Pickers 9.00 Storage Hunters UK
10.00 American Pickers 1.00pm Top Gear
(AD) 3.00 Impossible Engineering (AD)
4.00 Road Cops 5.00 Top Gear (AD)
6.00 Top Gear. With guest Jay Kay (AD)
7.00 Road Cops. Tempers flare when
a driver tries to avoid a ticket (9/10)
7.30 Road Cops. Two brothers give conflicting
statements following a collision (10/10)
8.00 Motorway Cops. The traffic police are
called in to deal with a collision between
a car and a lorry on the M6
9.00 Dynamo: Magician Impossible.
The illusionist visits Rio de Janeiro (AD)
10.00 Dara O Briain’s Go 8 Bit.
With Jonathan Ross and Suzi Ruffell
11.00 QI. With Hugh Laurie and John Sessions
11.40 Would I Lie to You? With Clare Balding,
Rhod Gilbert, Nick Grimshaw and Rob Delaney
12.20am Mock the Week 1.00 QI 1.40
Would I Lie to You? 2.20 Mock the Week 3.00
Suits (AD) 4.00 Home Shopping
7.10am The Bill 8.00 London’s Burning (AD)
9.00 Casualty (AD) 10.00 Bergerac 11.00 The
Bill 12.00 New Tricks (AD) 1.00pm Last of the
Summer Wine 1.40 Bread 2.20 Birds of a
Feather 3.00 London’s Burning (AD)
4.00 New Tricks (AD) 5.00 Bergerac
6.00 Steptoe and Son. Harold agrees to take his
father to the cinema, but Albert is not
interested in the film and wreaks havoc (b/w)
6.40 Last of the Summer Wine. Billy celebrates
his ancestor Robin Hood’s birthday
7.20 Last of the Summer Wine. Barry is spotted
in the woods with a suitcase acting suspiciously
8.00 Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.
Phryne’s aunt attends a seance, and a ghostly
message spells death for a war veteran
9.00 WPC 56. Max and Fenton investigate
a spate of counterfeit notes (2/5) (AD)
10.00 Waking the Dead. Feature-length episode.
DS Boyd investigates whether a woman who
confessed to the murder of her husband
25 years ago could be innocent (3/4)
12.25am The Bill 1.25 Ashes to Ashes
2.25 Crusoe 4.00 Home Shopping
6.00am Coast (AD) 7.10 Pointless 8.00 Time
Team 9.00 Coast (AD) 10.00 Who Do You Think
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Time Team 1.00pm Wildest Africa 2.00 Planet
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Dead 5.00 Royal Murder Mysteries
6.00 Hitler’s Women. Hitler’s personal
relationships with women
7.00 Nazi Victory: The Post-War Plan. How
Hitler used recreation to promote his ideology,
setting up the world’s largest beach resort (5/6)
8.00 Who Do You Think You Are? With the
actor and adventurer Brian Blessed (AD)
9.00 Blackadder the Third. Edmund falls foul of
Dr Johnson. Guest starring Robbie Coltrane (AD)
9.40 Blackadder the Third. Edmund gets caught
up in the French Revolution (AD)
10.20 Blackadder the Third. Prince George hires
two actors to improve his speech-making (AD)
11.00 Royal Murder Mysteries. The story of
the euthanasia of George V
12.00 Hitler’s Women 1.00am Mummies
Alive 2.00 The Nazis: A Warning from
History (AD) 3.00 Home Shopping
BBC One Wales
As BBC One except: 10.35pm Young, Welsh
and Pretty Minted. Erin stars in a rap video.
Last in the series 11.05 The Big Six Nations
Kick Off with Gabby and Gareth. Guests include
Jake Ball and Serge Betsen. Last in the series
(r) 11.35 The Young Offenders. Last in the
series 12.10am FILM: Shanghai Knights
(2003) Martial arts comedy sequel with Jackie
Chan and Owen Wilson (AD) 1.55 Weather for
the Week Ahead 2.00-6.00 BBC News
BBC Two Scotland
As BBC Two except: 6.30pm Saving Lives at
Sea. A father and son are in danger after trying
to rescue a dog in Ilfracombe (r) (AD) 7.30 Live
PRO14 Rugby Union: Edinburgh v Munster
(Kick-off 7.35). Coverage of the clash in the
17th round of fixtures 9.30-10.00
Mastermind. Specialist subjects include Peep
Show, Albert Speer and the X-Men Films
BBC Two Wales
As BBC Two except: 6.30pm Saving Lives at
Sea. A father and son are in danger after trying
to rescue a dog in Ilfracombe (r) (AD) 7.30 Live
Scrum V: Cardiff Blues v Treviso (Kick-off 7.35)
9.30-10.30 Pilgrimage: The Road to Santiago.
New series. Seven famous faces don their
backpacks to find out whether a medieval
pilgrimage still has relevance today, taking
on a 780km trek across northern Spain over
15 days. See Viewing Guide (AD)
ITV Wales
As ITV except: 8.00pm-8.30 Coast & Country.
How the Snowdonia mountains helped a
woman recover from an eating disorder
STV
As ITV except: 1.00pm-4.30 Live Racing on
STV. Coverage of the fourth day of the
Cheltenham Festival 8.00-8.30 Peter &
Roughie’s Friday Football Show. A round up of
the latest action 12.45am The Kyle Files (r)
1.10 Teleshopping 2.10 After Midnight 3.10
Tenable (r) 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 4.35 The
Jeremy Kyle Show (r) 5.30-6.00 Teleshopping
UTV
As ITV except: 8.00pm-8.30 UTV Life.
An entertaining and eclectic mix of stories
and studio guests 12.45am Teleshopping
2.45-3.00 ITV Nightscreen
BBC Alba
5.00pm Pàdraig Post: SDS (Postman Pat: SDS)
5.15 Zack & Quack (r) 5.35 Bruno 5.40 Charlie
is Lola (Charlie and Lola) (r) 5.50 Seonaidh
(Shaun the Sheep) (r) 5.55 Alvinnn agus na
Chipmunks (r) 6.10 Fior Bhall-coise (Extreme
Football) (r) 6.35 Machair (r) 7.00 An Là
(News) 7.25 Fraochy Bay (r) 7.30 From Harris
with Love: Chi mi’n Tir (r) 8.00 Oran na Mna
(r) 8.30 Cuimhneachan (Remembrance) (r)
9.00 A gu U, An Cuala Tu? (r) 10.00 Fèis na
Mara (r) 11.00 Rathad na Deighe (Ice Road
Rescuers). Last in the series (r) 11.45-12.00
Belladrum 2016: Cridhe Tartan (r)
S4C
6.00am Cyw 12.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd
12.05pm Cymoedd Roy Noble (r) 12.30 Band
Cymru 2014 (r) 1.30 Llys Nini (r) 2.00 News
S4C a’r Tywydd 2.05 Prynhawn Da 3.00
News S4C a’r Tywydd 3.05 Pengelli (r) 3.30 Tu
Hwnt i’r Tymbl (r) 4.00 Awr Fawr 5.00 Stwnsh:
Ffeil 5.05 Stwnsh: SpynjBob Pantsgwâr (r)
5.20 Cog1nio (r) 5.45 News S4C a’r Tywydd
5.50 Live Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Wales
Women v France Women (Kick-off 6.00)
8.00 Live Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Wales U20
v France U20 (Kick-off 8.15) 10.15
Jonathan 11.15-12.20am Parch (r) (AD)
18
Friday March 16 2018 | the times
1G T
MindGames
1
2
3
7
4
Codeword No 3285
5
6
19
8
16
13
23
13
Train Tracks No 357
1
8
22
6
19
3
18
5
1
18
21
9
18
12
14
1
© PUZZLER MEDIA
times2 Crossword No 7601
24
14
17
P
21
9
13
21
14
19
1
6
6
17
13
22
13
21
4
3
5
2
7
2
3
3
6
A
A
10
1
19
5
L
14
11
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14
13
8
1
13
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1
6
12
21
1
5
18
21
18
3
24
20
1
26
1
10
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2
13
3
4
8
15
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10
1
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13
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9
1
12
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25
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10
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1
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2
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25
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9
1
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B
23
25
21
19
Across
7
8
9
10
11
12
15
2
1
1
18
12
11
17
18
21
22
23
Square-rigged ship (4)
Small warship (8)
Light sword (6)
Edible crustacean (6)
Ready for picking (4)
Stake, share (8)
Answer (8)
ADE S
Y
T
B E RO
A
RMO T
U
I
A S T F U
H Y
HY
P A
S E A E AG L
R A
I
S AMSON
CHA L
H S
ADS I
T
A
I N
C
L
RNAC
E N
E X TO
P
E U L
R R
SONN
2
25
22
C
L
E
A
R
A
N
C
E
H
S
T
A
T
Need help with today’s puzzle? Call 0906 757 7188 to check the
answers. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
1
2
3
4
5
6
14
15
16
17
18
19
13
19
Lay tracks to enable the train to travel from village A to
village B. The numbers indicate how many sections of rail
go in each row and column. There are only straight rails
and curved rails. The track cannot cross itself.
5
8
9
10
11
12
13
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
Win a Dictionary & Thesaurus
Fill the grid so
that every
column, every
row and every
3x2 box contains
the digits 1 to 6
A
Every letter in this crossword-style grid has been substituted for a number
from 1 to 26. Each letter of the alphabet appears in the grid at least once. Use
the letters already provided to work out the identity of further letters. Enter
letters in the main grid and the smaller reference grid until all 26 letters of the
alphabet have been accounted for. Proper nouns are excluded.
Yesterday’s solution, right
Cluelines Stuck on Codeword? To receive 4 random clues call 0901 322 5000 or
text TIMECODE to 84901. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network
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call 0907 181 1055. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
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Lexica No 4179
A
R
A
N
O
S
U
C
T
A
K
W
P
B
R
H
U
R
E
C
A
I
G
T
U
L
H
A
R
Y
K
B
E
T
O
Winners will receive a Collins English Dictionary & Thesaurus
Solve the puzzle and text in the numbers in the three
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No 4180
C
See today’s News section
19
7
I
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clue-solving challenge
10
P
1 Written work on a
particular subject (8)
2 Set fire to (6)
3 Stinging arachnid (8)
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5 Extreme fear (6)
6 Small particle (4)
13 Government financiers (8)
14 Internal framework (8)
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Solve our new word puzzle
6
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L
E T
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DE
13
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Down
Solution to Crossword 7600
E V
A
E L
U
MA
B
B L
E
A S
Attempt to find (4)
Short fast race (6)
Frightened (6)
Sailing ship; glass (8)
Arabian ship (4)
14
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N
Slide the letters either horizontally or vertically back into the grid to produce
a completed crossword. Letters are allowed to slide over other letters
KenKen Difficult No 4277
Futoshiki No 3130
<
4
Kakuro No 2089
3
29
41
7
7
31
10
4
7
4
8
28
4
Fill the grid using
the numbers 1 to 9
only. The numbers
in each horizontal
or vertical run of
white squares add
up to the total in
the triangle to its
left or above it.
The same number
may occur more
than once in a row
or column, but not
within the same
run of white
squares.
11
4
All the digits 1 to 6 must appear in every row and column. In
each thick-line “block”, the target number in the top lefthand corner is calculated from the digits in all the cells in the
block, using the operation indicated by the symbol.
>
24
∧
∧
10
22
4
37
14
16
6
17
∧
16
16
<
22
11
3
17
9
16
11
4
26
15
4
7
4
16
Fill the blank squares so that every row and column contains
each of the numbers 1 to 5 once only. The symbols between
the squares indicate whether a number is larger (>) or
smaller (<) than the number next to it.
11
16
34
4
14
19
15
3
16
© PUZZLER MEDIA
© 2010 KENKEN PUZZLE & TM NEXTOY. DIST. BY UFS, INC. WWW.KENKEN.COM
<
the times | Friday March 16 2018
19
1G T
MindGames
The Singaporean master and prolific author, Junior Tay, has produced a new book on the Schliemann Defence to the Ruy Lopez,
which bridges the gap between
adumbrating a reliable defence
and introducing tactics that are
relatively unexplored. In the past
the Schliemann, essentially a
variation where Black attempts to
play a King’s Gambit with colours
reversed and a tempo less, suffered from a reputation that was
little better than dubious. Tay,
nevertheless, does not shrink
from telling the world fearlessly,
and without the least dismay,
about his favourite line, upholding
its status as a fully viable counter
to a very popular opening.
White: Jan Timman
Black: Jonathan Speelman
Candidates semi-final,
London 1989
Ruy Lopez
1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Bb5 f5 4 Nc3
fxe4 5 Nxe4 d5 6 Nxe5 dxe4 7
Nxc6 Qg5
The ensuing play appears complicated but much of it is forced
and it represents one of the main
lines of Schliemann theory.
8 Qe2 Nf6 9 f4 Qxf4 10 Ne5+ c6
11 d4 Qh4+ 12 g3 Qh3 13 Bc4 Be6
14 Bg5 0-0-0 15 0-0-0 Bd6 16 Nf7
This gains the bishop pair but
White’s remaining light-squared
bishop doesn’t have much scope.
16 ... Bxf7 17 Bxf7 Rhf8 18 Bc4
Rde8 19 d5
Timman wants to prevent Black
from getting ... Nd5 in when he
has a comfortable position.
19 ... c5
This reduces the scope of White’s
c4-bishop. The d5-pawn is firmly
blockaded and if White trades on
d6, Black’s knight will become a
stronger piece than White’s bishop.
20 Rhf1 Kb8 21 Bf4 Rd8 22 Bg5 a6
________
á i 4 4 D]
àDpD D 0p]
ßpD g h D]
ÞD 0PD G ]
Ý DBDpD D]
ÜD D D )q]
ÛP)PDQD )]
ÚD IRDRD ]
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ
Black threatens to advance on
the queenside and lock in the
light-squared bishop.
23 Bxf6
Timman loses the thread of the
game. It was more prudent to
restrain Black on the queenside so
23 a4 is better and about equal.
23 ... gxf6 24 Qxe4 Qxh2 25 Rh1
Losing a pawn, as White cannot afford to capture on h7.
25 ... Qxg3 26 Rxh7
This loses as White’s back rank
is now too exposed. White had no
choice but to grovel a pawn down
with 26 Rdf1.
26 ... Rfe8
Now White is well and truly
lost as ... Re1 is coming, followed
by ... Bf4+, nudging the king away
from the defence of the d1-rook.
27 Qf5 b5 28 Bf1 Re1 29 Qh5
Qf4+ 30 Kb1 Qxf1 White resigns
♥3
♥KQ J 9 6 3 2 ♥9 7 6 2
♦K J 10 9 7 4 3 ♦K 4 2
♦2
♣ Q J 10 9 8 3 2
♣2
♣J32
Open 3♥ with the first (or bid 3♥
over an opposing opening bid of,
say, 1♣). Open 3♦ with the second
and 3♣ with the third.
Why bid for so many tricks with
such a weak hand? First of all,
because your suit is so long (and
reasonably strong), you’ll not fare
badly if you’re left there. Indeed, if
you are left there, the opponents
have probably missed the boat and
can make a higher contract. A
three-level opener is said to be
“pre-emptive”, as you are acting
before the opponents can get
together, ruining their dialogue. It
is primarily a spoiling bid.
Your pre-empt also conveys
much information to your partner.
Partner knows such a lot about
your hand that you’ll not need to
bid again (indeed, it is most unwise
to do so). They wear the captain’s
hat for your team now.
Because you have shown playability for just one suit, your partner
will either put up (eg raise 3♥ to
4♥) or shut up. Mostly, because
MEDIUM
161 x 4 + 54
HARDER
262 x 3 + 875 x 3 + 679
1/
2
OF IT
SQUARE
IT
+9
+8
÷6
+ 1/2
OF IT
– 65 ÷ 2 + 84
50%
OF IT
1/
2
OF IT
+ 897
+6
♥J 4
♦A 2
♥9 2
♦KQ J 3
♣A9832
♣QJ4
♣ Q 10 2
With the first, pass. Don’t even
think of bidding 3♠ — partner’s
hearts are way better than your
spades. Pass with the second hand,
too. Your picture gallery will be
largely useless to him; he is looking
for aces opposite his short suits
(outside hearts). With the third
hand, three lovely aces, raise to 4♥.
– 98
+ 1/2
OF IT
+ 1/4
OF IT
+ 888
+ 1/4
OF IT
OF IT
S
W
N
E
Contract: 4♥ , Opening Lead: ♠ K
Declarer won the ♠ K lead (top
of a sequence) with dummy’s ♠ A
and saw fewer clubs in dummy
than in his hand. At trick two, he
cashed ♣A. He then crossed to ♣K
and ruffed ♣6. He cashed ♦A and
waited to score five of his seven
hearts. Ten tricks and game made.
andrew.robson@thetimes.co.uk
2
Divide the grid
into square or
rectangular
blocks, each
containing one
digit only.
Every block
must contain
the number of
cells indicated
by the digit
inside it.
10
6
4
4
3
2
7
Set Square No 2092
Yesterday’s answers adman, admin,
amid, anal, anima, animal, anna, annal,
damn, dial, inland, lama, lamia, lamina,
lanai, land, liana, maid, maidan, mail,
main, mainland, mana, mania, manna,
naan, nada, naiad, nail, nana
Killer Moderate No 5913
5
12
3
16
15
18
10
13
12
6
9
12
11min
28
22
3
23
6
10
3
20
5
30
8
17
6
11
4
7
15
4
15
26
x
x
x
x
x
÷
+
+
x
=
6
19
18
9
16
28
8
8
19
10
11
17
21
22
25
31
28
21
9
17
16
As with standard Sudoku, fill the grid so that every
column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the
digits 1 to 9. Each set of cells joined by dotted lines
must add up to the target number in its top-left corner.
Within each set of cells joined by dotted lines, a digit
cannot be repeated.
= 55
=
13
Please note, BODMAS does not apply
Codeword 3284
R E F U S
A
H
O
ON E RO
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T
S
T HONG
E
U
S
I GN
D
S
E C L I P
A
A
A
RUN I N
D
E
T
H A S S L
E X C E E
L
O N
F OR E V
I
A
I
S A L VO
H
U
QUA S
S
N
MUDD L
E
O A
L Y I NG
L
N
E
YOGUR
E
U
O
S
E
F R A C A S
O
A
T
S WA S T E
P
E
H
A
E A R L DOM
A
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Y
R AMU S
H O
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S H E E R
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A
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D E POS I T
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S T OR E Y
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+
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1
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1
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2
6
1
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3
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3
9
1
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2
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1
5
2
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9
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2
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1
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3
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3
8
5
4
9
6
2
1
5
4
6
8
9
3
7
1
2
3
8
2
1
7
5
9
4
6
1
9
7
6
2
4
8
3
5
6
5
3
9
7
2
4
1
8
9
1
4
8
5
6
2
7
3
2
3
1
4
6
7
8
5
9
4
6
9
5
3
8
1
2
7
8
7
5
2
9
1
3
4
6
1
2
7
6
8
5
9
3
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5
4
6
3
2
9
7
8
1
3
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8
7
1
4
5
6
2
8 9 6
9 7 8
9
8 5 7
1 3
2 1
4 2 1
2
5 1 4
1 2 3
5 9
9 8
8 6 7 2
9
1
2 1 3 5
4 2 1 3
3
8
1 8 6 9
7 9
9 8
4 2 1
2 1 3
1
3 4 2
1 3
2 1
9 7 5
7
8 9 7
6 8 9
Train Tracks 356
1
Quintagram
1 Cast
2 Narrow
3 Antics
4 Incisor
5 Albatross
6
2
5
3
4
2
4
3
6
4
6
A
3
1
x
3
3
1
B
F
L
P
D
Q
O
I
N
O
D
T
E
U
O
I
U
5
1
4 > 2 < 3
1
3
3
5
D
E
E
O
N
D
L
E
T
R
Suko 2186
5
4
∨
2 > 1
2
4
3
3
O
4 2
2
4
6
T
6
5
8
Word watch
Fissate (c) Split,
divided or with
fissures
Fissicostate (a)
Having divided
or separated ribs
Fissilingual (b)
Having a forked
tongue
5
∨
2 < 3
1
6
P
3
5
KenKen 4276
S
A
C
Futoshiki 3129
4
S
M
B
2 > 1
U
J
I
P
E
4
Cell Blocks 3167
Lexica 4178
D
Brain Trainer
Easy 28
Medium 543
Harder 6,935
Chess
Killer 5912
7
8
2
1
4
3
6
9
5
POS S UM
R
Y
I
GOR E D
A
I
D
ONAN Z A
G
Y
CRU E T
E
C
P ARKA
U
H
R
N TW I S T
E
N O
AD J O I N
x
9
A
4
1
7
2
3
9
6
5
8
Kakuro 2088
D
Set Square 2091
Killer 5911
13
5
=
84
Quick Cryptic 1048
Sudoku 9732
18
from 1 to 9 in
the grid, so
that the six
sums work.
We’ve placed
two numbers
to get you
started. Each
sum should be
calculated left
to right or top
to bottom.
=5
x
Lexica 4177
56min
= 432 the numbers
-
+
Sudoku 9731
Killer Deadly No 5914
Enter each of
9
Solutions
Sudoku 9730
14
3♥ (1) Pass
4♥ (2)
End
(1) Weak hand with seven decent hearts.
(2) Three lovely aces — so much better facing a pre-empt than a bunch of kings,
queens and jacks.
4
From these letters, make words of four
or more letters, always including the
central letter. Answers must be in the
Concise Oxford Dictionary, excluding
capitalised words, plurals, conjugated
verbs (past tense etc), adverbs ending in
LY, comparatives and superlatives.
How you rate 11 words, average;
15, good; 22, very good; 29, excellent
7
♠ KQ J 10 N
♠9 7
♥K
♥A 5 3
W E
♦Q 9 7
♦K J 10 6 4
S
♣J 9 8 4 3 ♠ 8 6
♣Q 10 7
♥Q J 10 9 8 7 6
♦8
♣K 6 2
2 3
2
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Dealer: South, Vulnerability: Neither
♠A 5 4 3 2
♥4 2
♦A 5 3 2
♣A 5
OF IT
4/
5
you are weak, he will shut up.
Respond to a 3♥ opener with:
♠A 8 6 2
♠ AQ 9 7 3 ♠ KQ J 2
♥2
♦KQ 8 5
4/
5
Polygon
11
Bridge Andrew Robson
An opening bid at the one-level
shows 12-19 points; an opening bid
at the two-level shows 20+. Where
does that leave an opening bid at
the three-level?
An opening bid at the threelevel shows a hand with fewer than
12 points, a particular type of hand:
a hand with a seven-card suit
(decent ones mind).
♠Q 2
♠3
♠8 2
59 + 9
The Schliemann Defence Move
by Move by Junior Tay is published by Everyman Chess.
________
á D 4 gkD] Winning Move
àH D Dp0 ]
ß D D DpD] Black to play. This position is from
Moscow 2018.
ÞD D D D ] Gholami-Alekseenko,
Although White has a mass of extra
Ý DQG DnD] material, the black queen and knights are
ÜDPDnDq) ] crawling all over his weakened kingside.
ÛPD D ) )] How did Black finish off?
ÚD D $RI ] For up-to-the-minute information, follow
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ my tweets on twitter.com/times_chess.
Beginner Corner 47
Opening at the Three-level
EASY
ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER
Tay bridges
Cell Blocks No 3168
Brain Trainer
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Chess Raymond Keene
1 ... Nf4! 2 gxf4
Qh3 forces mate.
However, not 2 ...
Qxf4 when 3 Be5
creates an x-ray
defence
Quiz
1 Plutonium 2 Dictionaries 3 Sikhism 4 The Rocky Horror
Show — as in the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show
5 Charlemagne 6 Henry VIII. They are actresses who
played wives in the TV drama The Tudors 7 Hovercraft
8 Keith Vaz and Valerie Vaz 9 Corpses or bones 10 Mike
Hammer 11 A corned beef sandwich 12 Chiba. It is the
Chiba Urban Monorail (9.44 miles in track length) 13 The
day after tomorrow 14 Brands Hatch 15 Mary Robinson
— Ireland’s first woman president
16.03.18
MindGames
Mild No 9733
Fill the grid so that every
column, every row and
every 3x3 box contains
the digits 1 to 9.
Word watch
Josephine
Balmer
Fissate
a To obsess
b To throw a punch
c Split
Fissicostate
a Having divided ribs
b A joint rule of two
countries
c Distraught
Fissilingual
a A type of steep cliff
b Having a forked
tongue
c Speaking two
languages badly
Answers on page 19
2
4 2
4
6 2
8
7 5
6
9 1
2
1
7
4
5
8
3
8
6
5 8
4
3 4
3
1
2
9
PUZZLER MEDIA
Sudoku
Difficult No 9734
Fiendish No 9735
2
3 8
5
4 7
8 4
5 7
2
4
6 1
9
1 8
7 2
3
1 2
1
3
8 9
1 5
9 7
4
Cluelines Stuck on Sudoku, Killer or KenKen? Call 0901 322 5005 before midnight to receive four clues for any of today’s
puzzles. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
The Times Daily Quiz Olav Bjortomt
Suko No 2186
BRYAN MEADE FOR THE TIMES
1 In 1940, which
radioactive metal was
first produced and
isolated by a deuteron
bombardment of
uranium-238?
11 In 1965, astronaut
John Young was given
a reprimand by Nasa
for smuggling what
snack into space?
12 Which Japanese
city is home to the
longest suspended
monorail in the world?
2 Lexicography is the
activity of compiling
which books?
3 Kesh is the beard and
uncut hair, covered by the
turban, worn by followers
of which religion?
4 The disembodied lips
of model Lorelei Shark
featured on posters
for the 1975 film of
which musical?
5 In 781, which king of
the Franks and Lombards
invited the scholar Alcuin
of York to his court?
13 The word
“overmorrow” refers
to which day?
15
6 Which king links
Maria Doyle Kennedy,
Natalie Dormer,
Annabelle Wallis, Joss
Stone, Tamzin Merchant
and Joely Richardson?
7 Invented by
Christopher Cockerell,
which vehicle is called
a luftkissenfahrzeug
in German?
8 Which brother and
sister are the respective
Labour MPs for Leicester
East and Walsall South?
9 What was a charnel
house used for storing?
10 Mickey Spillane
introduced which
detective in his 1947
novel I, the Jury?
14 Which Kent motor
racing circuit hosted
the British Grand Prix
12 times between
1964 and 1986?
15 Which former
Irish president
is pictured?
Answers on page 19
Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the
spaces so that the number in each
circle is equal to the sum of the four
surrounding spaces, and each colour
total is correct
The Times Quick Cryptic No 1049 by Orpheus
1
2
3
4
8
7
11
12
19
6
9
10
15
5
13
16
14
17
20
18
Across
1 In search of a style, to a
certain extent (5,1,7)
8 Police officer, one who
manages to bear pressure (6)
9 Charm a Greek character
hired out (6)
10 Sea-fog initially hated at all
resorts (4)
11 Person who’s tested an
explosive device in river? (8)
12 Twilled fabric used in looser
gear (5)
13 Racecourse spy eating river
fish (5)
15 Eavesdrop across in this place,
it’s reported (8)
17 Attention needed at first to
make money (4)
19 Young child in first half of
Disney film (6)
20 Tradesman swallowing last of
coffee in cup (6)
21 Railway guard who exposes
malpractice? (7-6)
Down
2 Plant life I’d removed from US
state (5)
3 Sovereign setting up theatre in
Italian capital (7)
4 Broadcast melody (3)
5 Material for statue obtainable
from sale at bar (9)
6 Alluring woman I found after
some time (5)
7 Stuff oneself before boarding
old vessel (7)
11 Basic team Ellen assembled (9)
12 Flat in south, not among the
first six (7)
14 Herb originally only relished,
say, by a small number (7)
16 Anchorage in Greek island, by
the sound of it (5)
18 Cleric receiving East European
magistrate (5)
20 Move up and down repeatedly
— up or down! (3)
21
Yesterday’s solution on page 19
9
1
8
7
3
7 8
4
6
6 2 1 4
6 3
4
1 9
5
9
5
2
1
9
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