close

Вход

Забыли?

вход по аккаунту

?

The Times Times 2 - 28 December 2017

код для вставкиСкачать
December 28 | 2017
Who triumphed, who tripped
2
1G T
Thursday December 28 2017 | the times
times2
Breast or thigh, Meghan? It’s
{ Quote of the Year {
Caitlin Moran
H
ello! Hello! Joyous
greetings and
welcome to this,
the tenth Celebrity
Watch Awards!
Raucous applause!
Yes — the
awards have
reached their first decade. Were
they a whisky, they would now
be reasonably expensive. Were
they a pair of jeans, they would
have a slight and embarrassing
boot-cut. Were they a child,
they would be in their final
year of juniors, sporadically
bullying the younger
children because they feel
self-conscious about being
the first to wear a bra.
But they’re not! They’re
not any of these things!
They’re just a made-up
thing — like the Oscars,
but safe for women — in
which for a few, cheering
moments we forget all the
huge, awful things that have
happened in the year gone
by and concentrate instead on
the comfortingly meaningless
things that have happened in the
world of celebrity.
CW doesn’t mind admitting that
there have been times this year,
particularly when John Humphrys
was talking about the internet
(which he still seems to think is
not real and refers to in inverted
commas, with a chuckle, thus:
“The — haha! — ‘inter-net’!”),
that it was only being able to open
a magazine and read demented
headlines such as “Marilyn Manson
calls Justin Bieber, ‘A girl with
the mind of a squirrel’ ” that has
kept it going.
In this spirit, then, CW offers
you the crème de la crème — the
crème de menthe; the Aldi cream of
mushroom 500g tin — of this year’s
silliness, so that you might run
towards 2018 screaming: “Wargh!
I’m not scared of you any more! I’m
full of gossip, minty booze and soup!
This is the combination of heroes!”
Or, if your personality type is less
mad drunken Viking, perhaps you
would simply be slightly comforted by
the fact that CW has arranged a great
deal of seemingly random data into
some kind of order. Either way, enjoy.
We kick off with the Quote of the
Year, and the songwriter Ryan Adams,
below, doing some sterling work in
busting gender stereotypes by being
bitchier than any woman has ever
managed when discussing his
rock rival Julian Casablancas
of the Strokes.
Adams’s bad-boy
reputation was cemented
with the publication of
this year’s great gossipy
rock book Meet Me in
the Bathroom. In it
Adams is accused
of introducing
the Strokes to
heroin. Taking
to Twitter to
answer these
allegations,
Adams had
a pop at
Casablancas,
who over the past
few years has
become, shall
we say, “someone
with lovely eyes”/
“someone with a great
personality”/ “someone
flaunting their curves”.
Denying that he was
the Strokes’ pusherman,
Adams tweeted, “I should
have got them addicted to
writing better songs,” before
addressing the big question:
“Julian Casablancas: who got
you strung out on lasagne, tho?”
MEOW.
From drugs to sex. The actress
Olivia Wilde was discussing her
marriage to Jason Sudeikis and
m
described their sex life thus:
“We have sex like marathon
runners.” Presumably she was
unaware that this conjured up, for
most people, images of them doing
it for charity, heartily regretting
it halfway through, and ending it
collapsed on the floor swathed
in a tin-foil blanket.
While the Daily Mail made a
strong running for Quote of the
Year when it posed
Y
the question, “Is
the world’s oldest
tortoise gay?”, the
eventual winner was
Henry
Bolton, the new
H
Ukip leader, who hit the
headlines in September.
Talking about the
options for an initiation
ceremony into the party’s
leadership, which had
been suggested to him
by the television network
Russia Today, he said:
“The one that was
probably most suitable for
me was chasing a badger
across Dartmoor,
capturing it, and then
breaking its neck with
one’s bare hands.”
Yes, Ukip chose a leader
who would strangle a badger
with his bare hands. Don’t
vote for anyone with foppish
badger-strangling gloves. That
is not the spirit of Churchill.
{ Photo of the Year {
Justin Bieber
If we are a primarily visual
species, then CW’s Photo of
the Year should be the most
important prize on Earth —
and CW is happy to begin
sponsorship talks on that
incredibly lucrative basis. Any
multinational that wants its
branding on this sweet baby,
get in contact. In terms of price
range, think of a number —
then keep putting zeros on it
until it looks like Frank Spencer
saying, “Oooooh!”
Back to the awards and,
eye-wise, 2017 has gifted us many
jewels,
all from superlative divas.
j
To start, we have not one but two
entries from Mariah Carey, a woman
who never makes one feel as if any
w
following paparazzo has wasted
memory space on their camera.
The first shot of Carey appeared
in
i the media on January 2, the day
after she had been “slammed” for a
shambolic New Year’s Eve concert.
Over the festive period it seemed
that Carey had found a good way
to unwind, since she had been
papped entering a legal weed
dispensary wearing a parka over
a ball gown. This is absolutely
the look you sh
should
be going for
ld b
if you are a multimillionaire diva
buying some doob.
Indeed, this shot was so perfect that
its only rival was another shot of Carey
that showed her in the gym in full
make-up, fishnets, jewels and heels.
Why work out when you can work up?
In the summer Madonna enriched
the lives of a million fans by posting
on Instagram a picture of herself
fuming and captioned: “When you’ve
been arguing with fed-ex all week
that you really are Madonna and
they still won’t release your package.
!#bitchplease.” Rivalling this as a
talking point was Perrie of Little Mix,
who posted shots of her and her
bandmates in a swimming pool. Many
thought this pose was “too raunchy”,
but to CW’s eyes it merely looked as
if the girls were about to play Hungry
Hippos with their bums, which is a
great game the whole family can play.
In the end, however, it was Britain’s
newest diva who stole the crown for
Photo of the Year. In the summer
Gemma Collins, left, of The Only Way
Is Essex, attended a party wearing a
dress so extraordinary that it made
Lady Gaga look shy. Seemingly the
product
of an unwilling and painful
p
sexual union between a wardrobe and
an orange, the dress had shoulder pads
on top of shoulder pads — something
no one else in the fashion world has
ever dared to consider.
It was only made more perfect by
the party being held at the Orangery
in Kensington, west London, fuelling
suspicions that Collins had mistaken
“venue” for “dress code”.
In a world of stylists, fashion rules
and fear, CW truly salutes Collins’s
100 per cent piratical badass mad
swagger and hopes that she wears her
award on her head, or as a codpiece.
the times | Thursday December 28 2017
3
1G T
times2
the Celebrity Watch Awards
COVER & BELOW: GETTY IMAGES; MARK HARRISON FOR THE TIMES; PRESS ASSOCIATION; MARIAH CAREY INSTAGRAM; FRASER FRANKS TWITTER; JACOB REES MOGG INSTAGRAM; SPLASH NEWS; MADONNA TWITTER
{ ‘Phew — thank God everyone
will have forgotten about it by
Christmas!’ The CW Award
for the most mortifying celebrity
event of 2017 {
{ Insane Baby Name of the Year {
It is the biggest status symbol you can
have. Giving your child a name that
would absolutely, unswervingly get
them wedgied on a daily basis —
unless their parents are incredibly
rich/famous/posh and either sending
their children to school with two
massive security guys or moving in the
kind of circles where “Ptolemy” is an
unremarkable thing to hear called
across a gazebo or ha-ha.
The West Ham striker Andy
Carroll scored a name-goal when he
gave his son the appellation Wolf
Nine, which sounds like the name
of a very marginalised animal in
a zoo. And Ferne McCann named
her daughter Sunday — not after
the day of the week, but a brand
of cleanser that her make-up artist
recommended, which presumably
leaves the way wide open for CW
to name any of its children Simple.
In a normal year Beyoncé, right,
and Jay-Z naming their twins Sir
and Rumi would be the standout
Baller Name Moment, but they
had their thunder totally stolen
when, in the same week, Jacob
Rees-Mogg announced that his
sixth child was to be named Sixtus
Dominic Boniface Christopher. Sixtus
Domini Boniface
Dominic
Christopher
Chris
Rees-Mogg joins
Ree
his brothers
Alfred Wulfric
Alf
Leyson Pius,
Ley
Tom Wentworth
Somerset
S
om
Dunstan,
Peter
D
un
Theodore
Alphege
T
heod
Anselm Charles
aand
nd Ans
Fitzwilliam
F
Fit
Fi
itzwilliam iin what
wasn’t born
everyone who was
in a castle
l is, surely, referring
to as “The Family With All
The Mad Names Up It”.
While this means that
Rees-Mogg wins this year’s
award, it does also give CW
a moment to note that ReesMogg gave his only daughter
an unusually sensible name:
Mary Anne Charlotte
Emma. Given Rees-Mogg’s
old-fashioned views on
feminism, CW imagines
tthis is because Rees-Mogg
presumes that all women
p
will end up being called “wife”
w
and there’s simply no point
in wasting some prime mad
nomenclature shit on them.
This award focuses on those who will
have presumed that, since every other
round-up of the year concentrates on
political wrangling, notable deaths
and extreme weather events,
e ts,
their embarrassing moments
ments
— happening way back in
the mists of, say, March or
June — will have been
forgotten, erased,
moved on from;
meaning they can
begin 2018 with
a clean slate.
Sorry, guys.
In July Carol
Smillie prompted the
memorable headline
“Carol Smillie still furious
us
with Phillip Schofield two
wo
years after he wrongly told
old
This Morning viewers shee was
incontinent” — triggering
ng two full
weeks of “concerned” journalists
pursuing clarity on just how frangible
Smillie’s pelvic floor really is. (It’s fine!
Only troubled by trampolines, ie
a normal mum-bladder, thank you
very much, The Schofe!)
Meanwhile, at the Wedding of the
Year — Pippa Middleton’s hitching to
the businessman James Matthews,
below — the best man pepped up his
speech with the line: “So, to the love of
James’s life: beautiful, energetic, loyal,
soft-mouthed, comes on command,
great behind. But enough about
James’s spaniel, Rafa.” This caused
disapproval from commentators, who
thought comparing a man’s wife to a
dog was “not on”, and confusion
from those who didn’t know
posh people generally believe
that dogs have “great behinds”.
Kelly Osbourne will
presumably still be doing
mortified bum-clenches
prompted by her hasty tweet.
“SHAME on U @Starbucks,”
she raged in April.
“#PissedMyOwnPants in
this location, because UR
shameful employees refused
to let me use the toilet.
I have piss in my shoe.”
The photo Osbourne
used to accompany the
tweet — of her outside
the Starbucks on West
27th Street, New York,
shoe not pictured —
allowed Starbucks to
reply swiftly, informing
her that the staff
didn’t let her use the
toilet because the
West 27th Street
Starbucks has
no toilet. Unless
her shoe now
technically
counts as one.
But the winner of this year’s award
must be the former S Club Juniors
member Stacey McClean, left, whose
wedding went spectacularly wrong.
CW will
w leave
eav the explanation
to the peerless
summing-up
pee
skills of the Daily Mail’s
headline:
“ ‘Everyone
headl
mortified’: Former
was m
S Club
Juniors Star
C
Stacey
McClean
Sta
has a HUGE bust-up
with
wit her groom on
her
he wedding day as
she throws cake in his
face,
fac and drinks herself
into oblivion.”
Having
“indulged”
Ha
in
in five glasses of
champagne
at the wedding,
champa
McClean rowed with her
husband of b
but an hour, threw
the wedding cake iin his face and
attempted to give a drunken speech
about her life before taking to the
dancefloor, “begging others to dance”.
When they refused, she shouted,
“I hate you all!” then left her wedding.
The morning after — technically,
the start of her honeymoon —
McClean took to Facebook to
apologise to everyone for “drinking on
an empty stomach”, blaming it on the
“stress” of planning a wedding. Here,
CW suspects, is the moral of this story.
Keep your wedding unambitious and
always eat your breakfast — otherwise
your white wedding is apt to become
a “whitey wedding” and your most
heartfelt vow of the day will be: “I will
never shotgun Moët on nothing but
two Tic Tacs again.”
4
1G T
Thursday December 28 2017 | the times
times2
{ Shooting News: Films to Look
Forward to in 2018 {
2017’s shooting news is
2018’s big movies, so CW was
thrilled to spend the year
tracking the celluloid delights
that humanity has coming
towards it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is
apparently revisiting his role
as the Terminator, right, in
a new Terminator movie,
despite being on the eve of
his 70th birthday. CW looks
forward to his catchphrase
— “I’ll be back” — being
tweaked slightly, but effectively
to, “Oooh, me back.”
The forthcoming live-action
remake of Aladdin was almost
delayed when — despite
auditioning more than 2,000
actors — Disney could not
find a suitable actor for the
title role. This greatly puzzled
CW because, at the end of
the day, Aladdin is Widow
Twankey’s son. He just has
to wear a waistcoat, talk to
a monkey and not fall off
a carpet. It’s not going to
need a turn like Brando’s
ne
in The Godfather.
Lord of the Flies is
scheduled for a controversial
sc
remake that recasts the
re
film as all-female. While
fil
CW is all for equality in
C
Hollywood, it can’t help
H
but note that the logical
bu
new title, Lady of the Flies,
ne
sounds a bit . . . porny.
so
Which is one of the
W
problems with women.
pr
Nearly everything about
N
them seems a
rude.
bit . . . ru
{ The Wrongest
Thing of
the Year {
For those who think death is too
tasteful, a solution was provided by
Katie Price, who announced her
intention to start manufacturing
Katie Price coffins — bright pink,
covered in crystals and finished with
two glorious wooden tits on the lid to
turn your final resting place into your
final breasting place. Should you need
something suitable to wear to the
funeral of someone being buried in a
Katie Price coffin, CW can heartily
recommend the Kim Jong-un romper
being sold by getonfleek.com for a
mere $99.99.
While we might expect capitalism
to provide us with consumer items
of incredible wrongness, it’s always
moving to find individual citizens
doing their best, in their day-to-day
lives, to do their bit to increase the
world’s quotient of “WTF? No, dude!
No!” In August humanity found a
new outlier named Abraham Parnes,
who shot to global fame after he was
allegedly caught masturbating in a
New Jersey cinema during the 2.35pm
showing of The Emoji Movie — and
who might, therefore, be described as
the world’s first known emojisexual.
But in the end art gave us the
Wrongest Things of 2017. In March
a statue of the footballer Ronaldo —
which is Portuguese for “Ronald” —
caused a stir when it was unveiled at
the Cristiano Ronaldo International
airport in Madeira. Working to a brief
that seemed to include the instruction,
“His eyes get lonely, so bunch them up
nice and tight”, the statue, below, bore
less resemblance to Ronaldo than the
airport named after him.
At least it wasn’t sinister, though.
For it is on sheer “Brrrr, no” power
that CW’s Wrongest Thing of 2017
award goes to the school in Adelaide,
Australia, that commissioned a statue
of St Dominic handing out loaves of
bread to the poor. While it was a
lovely idea, unfortunately, due to the
unintentionally suggestive position
of St Dominic’s tiny loaf, the school
appeared to have commissioned the
world’s first statue dedicated to the
Patron Saint of Noncing.
Even more unfortunately, the school
then compounded the problem by
panicking when pictures of the statue
went viral and covering it with a cloth
— thus making it look as if they had
commissioned a statue dedicated to
the Patron Saint of Hiding Nonces.
The only thing worse than a nonce
openly showing a small child its loafshaped penis is a nonce doing exactly
the same thing, but under a blanket.
{ Most Notable
What is the dominant element of
the universe? Carbon? Dark matter?
No! It’s “widely reported events in
the lives of the Beckham family”.
In terms of their business model,
they’ve got something for everyone:
David for men interested in sport,
but also men interested in grooming
and handsomeness; Victoria for
women interested in fashion and
business; a teenage son, Brooklyn,
right, to intrigue the eye of the next
generation; and a couple of cute
younger ones for nannas and grandads
to coo over. Unless they also had a
loveable pet dog given a wry voiceover
by Chris Rock, the Beckhams couldn’t
be more across every market.
So, since they are a world within
a world, CW felt it only appropriate
to devote a whole award to the most
notable Beckham-based incident
of 2017. And there’s a lot to choose
from. In June Brooklyn became a
viral sensation when he notably failed
to take a picture of an elephant. His
debut
photography book, Brooklyn
d
Beckham:
What I See, showed us —
B
among
other treats — a blurry, out-ofa
focus
shot of an elephant, captioned:
fo
“Elephants
in Kenya. So hard to
“E
photograph
— but incredible to see.”
ph
As millions of internet wits posted
much
better pictures of elephants
m
captioned
“Other people seem to have
ca
managed
this, dear”, or suggested
m
a more accurate title for the book
might
be Brooklyn Beckham: What
m
I Didn’t
Get in Focus, CW had already
D
moved
on to the news that Brooklyn’s
m
move
to New York — to study —
m
had
ha worried his mother so much that
she
sh had hired a security guard to
watch
wat over him at all times. The same
the times | Thursday December 28 2017
5
1G T
times2
GETTY IMAGES; SPLASH NEWS
; REX/SHUTTERSTOCK
From far left: Victoria and David Beckham, Ricky Tomlinson, Jessica
Biel, Wayne Rooney and Sinitta. Above: Jay-Z, Blue Ivy and Beyoncé
{ And, finally,
what have we learnt in 2017?
A round-up of the year’s
most unlikely facts {
Event in the World of the Beckhams {
report also conveyed the news that
Brooklyn had commemorated moving
to New York by getting a tattoo that
reads “Mama’s Boy” inked just above
his nipple.
CW wouldn’t usually get between
a mother, her son and his nipple,
but in this particular case it would
suggest that the best way to ensure
your son’s safety is to make sure
that he doesn’t have “Mama’s boy”
tattooed on his tits before you send
him off to America.
Of course, “bizarre behaviour” is all
relative in the Beckham family.
In May David instagrammed
his special birthday breakfast
and united the world in a
communal exhalation of
“What the f*** is that?”
The f*** that was, to be
specific, was bacon, fried egg,
pineapple rings, ham, baked
beans, chips, mushy peas,
coleslaw and toast. Anna
Pavlova inspired the name
of the Pavlova. Arnold
Bennett inspired omelette
Arnold Bennett. And now we
had “The Beckham” — the namee
given to a meal where the chip
shop, the fry-up and a picnic have
an orgy and give birth to the
wrongest baby ever.
However, the Most Notable Event
in the World of the Beckhams in
2017 was without a doubt “Sir-gate”.
No, not a safety device installed
by Beyoncé and Jay-Z to make sure
their new son doesn’t fall down the
stairs, but the leaking of Beckham’s
private emails in which he expressed
his frustration at not yet having
been knighted.
Talking about the honours
committee, Beckham commented,
variously, “Who decides on the
honours? If I was American I would
of got something like this 10 years
ago,” and, “It’s pissed me off, those
old unappreciative c***s.”
CW feels that it can speak for most
of Britain when it says that this is
pretty much the content of all our
texts and daily conversations. In the
past week alone, CW has said, “I
deserve a knighthood — why am
I not getting one from these
unappreciative old c***s?” over
the following: clearing some crusty
cat vomit from inside a shoe;
organising a barge holiday for
its siblings; filling out online
forms for switching bank
accounts; running 1.1km very
slowly with a hangover;
cleaning out the dishwasher
filter; filing its copy a day
early; and carrying a heavy
tthing some distance.
Why wouldn’t David
Beckham get a knighthood?
B
He’s totally the kind of person
H
who gets a knighthood. He’s
w
llived a knight-y-ish life. CW’s not
tthrowing shade on anyone, but if
Bruce Forsyth got a knighthood
B
ffor saying, “You’re such a lovely
audience — so much better than last
week’s” for 57 years, then surely
Beckham is on for a gong too?
Beckham is handsome, a man and
good at sport, which — as far as CW
understands society — makes him
the very best a human being can be.
To misquote Emma Watson’s UN
“He For She” speech: “If not now —
when? If not David Beckham — who?”
0 The Hollywood star Jessica Biel
often eats in the shower. “It works
with cereal or sausages — but not
so much with sandwiches,” she
clarified.
0 The footballer Wayne Rooney
blew £500,000 in one night of
gambling. As far as CW knows,
the only other way you can
spend this much money in
such a short period of time is
to go to Center Parcs in
August and tick the “bike
hire and all extras” option.
0 While performing in
New York, Justin Bieber
substituted the Spanish lyrics
of his worldwide smash hit
Despacito with “Jabba jabba
jabba/ burrito!” and “I don’t know
the words/ So I say Dorito”.
Someone in the audience threw
a bottle of urine at his head.
Bieber has since retired from live
touring and is rumoured to be
opening a church, but presumably
not in a Spanish-speaking country.
0 Responding to an initial
availability query, Sinitta informed
the booker on Celebrity Big Brother
that her rider would consist of “a
puppy, a swearing ban, a bodyguard
and tequila”. Sinitta did not appear
on Celebrity Big Brother.
0 Meghan Markle’s preferred gift
when attending dinner parties
is not champagne or chocolates,
but, according to an interview in
Good Housekeeping magazine,
“a perfectly roasted chicken”.
“It’s a game-changer,” Markle,
above, told them in January.
“I bring it to dinner parties and
make a lot of friends.”
0 The Royle Family star
Ricky Tomlinson is
convinced that the
Countdown presenter
Richard Whiteley,
who died in 2005,
was “a member
of the
intelligence
services”,
whose
w
documentary
Red Under
the Bed was
indirectly
responsible
for Tomlinson
serving a jail
sentence
for
f illegal
striking.
0 Blue Ivy
— the
fortunate
zygotic
z
product
of
p
Beyoncé and Jay-Z
B
— received a horse
worth
$75,000 for her
w
birthday.
CW hopes
b
that,
like all parents,
t
Beyoncé
and Jay-Z hid
B
the
t gift on top of their
wardrobe
for two weeks
w
before
giving it to her.
b
0 The Queen has a royal
shoe-breaker to break in
her shoes — technically
making them the only
person who can criticise
Her Majesty since they
really have walked a
mile in her shoes.
m
And on that joke,
CW bids you to have
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
6
1G T
Thursday December 28 2017 | the times
times2
Are your stars aligned? Call my premium
rate horoscope phone line to find out
Deborah Ross
H
ALEX KICH/GETTY IMAGES
Cancer
Oh, crabby, crabby, crab, crab.
Stop moving sideways! It drives
everyone nuts!
ere I present your
horoscopes for
2018, as based on
astrology, the ancient
art of waffling
nebulously while
hoping that some of
it will hit home, as
some of it has to, surely. There are
those who will say that horoscopes
are exclusively for superstitious fools
of low intelligence who should be
slapped repeatedly about the head
and hung upside down until they see
sense, but where would that leave my
palmistry business? My homeopathy
clinic? My chakra rebalancing
retreats? And my premium-rate
phone lines as supported by Worldpay,
PayPal, Mastercard, Visa and Maestro?
Now, head for your star sign, or just
take your pick, for all the difference
it makes.
Capricorn
Venus rising in your sign next year
means you will find love where you
least expect it, rather than on the
hall console table, which is where you
last saw it. Should Venus rise up your
trouser leg instead it will tickle like
hell. If it’s not on the hall console
table, then think: where did I last put
it down? Where? You’ll know it’s
here somewhere. You’re hoping that
it doesn’t mean having to schlep
upstairs. Finding love where you least
expect it can make you long to live
in a bungalow.
Aquarius
Early January will see you break two
new year’s resolutions, those special
little promises that you make to be
less like yourself and more like
someone you aren’t. The first will
topple when you realise that you’ve
failed to attend any gym, the second
when you pretend to be a passing
roofer and scam a little old lady
about those tiles that “look loose”.
But don’t beat yourself up about it.
Or be too hard on yourself. Most
resolutions fail, and Mercury will
say that from where it’s looking
you wouldn’t know, with 100 per cent
certainty, that those tiles weren’t
coming away.
Leo
See Gemini. The same is true. As for
travel, yes, unless it doesn’t happen,
in which case, no.
Virgo
Your staunch support for the Brexit
cause will be sorely tested when you
discover that you’ve been Spanish all
along. Bummer.
Should Venus
rise up your
trouser leg it will
tickle like hell
Pisces
The alignment of the stars means
that it will be another year of
mooching around the house, not
getting dressed, binge eating, staring
out of the window, taking little naps
and daydreaming about the Supervet,
who will right your dog’s bad leg
and waive the bill — “Please let me
pay, Supervet.” “Certainly not!” —
while falling in love with you on the
spot. You will honeymoon in the
Maldives, rather than taking the
Californian road trip you had in mind.
This is new for 2018 — you really
did think it would be California —
and something to look forward to
as you start on the second pack of
Jaffa Cakes while staring out the
window. Before a little nap.
Aries
As adventure, personal growth,
financial success and world
domination will continue to elude
you, dear ram, focus instead on small
chores such as de-limescaling the
dog’s water bowl, unkinking and
washing everyone’s shoelaces and
finally buying that new shower
curtain. There must be more to life,
you will think, but not in the
immediate aftermath of the new
shower curtain, which brightens the
bathroom enormously. Looks like a
different room, in fact.
Taurus
Neptune is due to enter your life in the
second half of next year, and will be
around for some months, so get a key
cut and stock up on the Cracker
Barrel. (Or any mature cheddar; it’s
the maturity that Neptune cares
about, not the brand.) Meanwhile,
Uranus will be on show from late July
until mid-September. So don’t plan
your honeymoon for this time. The
Supervet will likely concur that it’s not
the best time to honeymoon while
Uranus is on show, and there is
nothing that anybody can do about it.
Gemini
Stuff will happen and some of the stuff
will be good and some of the stuff will
be bad, but either way, stuff will
happen. Indeed, as you will be able to
say to all the astrology naysayers who
have you down as a superstitious fool
of low intelligence: “I was told stuff
would happen . . . and it did!”
Libra
Mars will move into Libra in February,
offering growth and opportunity, but
the incredible events this promises
won’t necessarily appear in the form
expected, and while it may seem
things are getting worse, things are, in
fact, getting better, so don’t think life is
shit, even when it is, and if it was
nebulous waffling you were after . . .
yup, there it is. You’re welcome.
Scorpio
Had enough of the nebulous waffle?
OK, we’ll give it to you straight.
You, Scorps, will be forced to confront
your mortality when you die
sometime in late May. This, alas,
means that you won’t live long enough
to see the fourth series of Poldark.
But, for your information, George
will continue to be jolly bad while
Ross will continue to be broodingly
noble. Now you can die happy.
Sagittarius
Oh you stupid old archer, what are we
to do with you, always hanging around
long after we’re all bored, when
everyone else has gone? Just piss off,
why don’t you?
Ektertaikmekts
Theatres
%
HER MAJESTY'S 020 7087 7762
THE BRILLIANT ORIGINAL
Please be advised that
calls to the numbers
can cost up to im mer
mikute plus your network
provider’s costs.
THE PHANTOM OF
THE OPERA
Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30
www.ThePhantonOfTheOpera.com
St Martin's
020 7836 1443
66th year of Agatha Christie's
THE MOUSETRAP
Today 3pm & 7.30pm, Tomorrow
7.30pm, Saturday 4pm & 7.30pm
www.the-mousetrap.co.uk
QUEEN'S
0844 482 5160
The Musical Phenomenon
LES MISÉRABLES
Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30
www.LesMis.com
Theatre Royal Drury Lane
42nd STREET
020 7087 7760
Book your advertisement or announcement now at:
thetimes.co.uk/ advertise
the times | Thursday December 28 2017
7
1G T
television & radio
Alan’s back and knowing him is still a joy. Aha!
MARTIN THOMPSON/BABY COW
James
Jackson
TV review
Alan Partridge: Why, When,
Where, How and Whom?
BBC Two
{{{{(
Turtle, Eagle, Cheetah
BBC Four
{{{{(
A
lan Partridge is 26 years
old. Or, rather, the radio
and TV creation is — Alan
himself must be in his early
sixties by now. Which is
confusing, but says something about
the way Alan has come to reside
between being a fictional person and a
real one. Has there ever been another
comic creation you can so easily
imagine carrying an independent
existence off screen? Even his creator,
Steve Coogan, sees him as “my friend”.
Radio Choice
Catherine Nixey
Gideon Coe
6 Music, 9pm
It has been another lethal
year for musicians. Not
quite perhaps as bad as
2016, which famously
carried off David Bowie,
Prince and George Michael.
But still, you suspect that if
you were an ageing star in
the winter months of this
year you might have started
to feel nervous. Among the
musicians who have died
this year are Chuck Berry,
Fats Domino and Glen
Campbell, as well as the
lovely Radio 2 broadcaster
Brian Matthew. Here,
Gideon Coe celebrates
their lives and music.
Anansi Boys
Radio 4, 11.30pm
Radio 4 drama is
Manichean: often so
bad when it’s original
programming, often so good
when it’s adapting. This
adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s
fantasy novel Anansi Boys
is a fine example of the
latter. The novel is about a
boy, Fat Charlie (who isn’t
even that fat any more),
who discovers that his
father was actually a god
(though now deceased) and
who also discovers that he
has a long-lost brother
(very much alive). Stars
Lenny Henry and Jacob
Anderson, both on top form.
Alan Partridge: Why, When,
Where, How and Whom? took us
right back to his genesis in 1991 to
show how this curious, complex figure
grew from “a jumper and a haircut to
something iconic”, taking in glimpses
of rehearsal footage (Chris Morris
cracking up at Coogan’s improv) and
insights a cut above your usual tributeshow blandishments. “This Partridge
had legs,” said Armando Iannucci.
“The BBC wanted to see how many
legs and how they could use them.”
All that and many rib-violatingly
funny clips. Alan once took the
(imaginary) Times TV critic “Phillip
Parsons” to task for calling his chat
show Knowing Me, Knowing You
“moribund”. So happily for both of us,
I have only good things to say about it.
I was rewinding and rewatching, in
stitches, Alan getting carried away
with the name of a stone-faced lesbian
guest Bridie McMahon (“Briiidie
McMahon! The kind of name you
imagine an Irish, flame-haired, fiery
woman to have in a film with John
Wayne,” etc). For his part, Alan might
be annoyed that this programme
dragged up the fact that he
accidentally killed a man on the show.
Alan has become such a rich study
in pathos and Middle England angst
that the only quibble might be that the
film could have offered more about what
he says about us as a people, about his
cultural influence. But that might have
Radio 1
FM: 96.7-99.8 MHz
6.30am The Radio 1 Breakfast Show with
Scott and Chris 10.00 Adele Roberts
1.00pm Dev 4.00 Jordan North 7.00 Annie
Mac 9.00 BBC Radio 1 & 1Xtra’s Stories:
Heroes with Annie Nightingale 10.00 BBC
Radio 1 & 1Xtra’s Stories: Music By Numbers
— Craig David 11.00 BBC Radio 1’s
Residency: Dub Phizix & Strategy 1.00am
Toddla T 3.00 Radio 1’s Artist Takeover with
Tom Odell 4.00 Early Breakfast
Radio 2
FM: 88-90.2 MHz
6.30am Sara Cox 9.30 Trevor Nelson 12.00
Jeremy Vine 2.00pm Radio 2 in Concert (r)
3.00 Craig Charles 5.00 Johnnie Walker
Meets Alice Cooper (r) 6.00 Johnnie Walker
Meets Blondie (r) 7.00 Bob Harris Country
8.00 Ana Matronic 10.00 The Summer of I
Feel Love (r) 11.00 Stanley Baxter’s Musical
World 12.00 The Craig Charles House Party
(r) 2.00am Radio 2’s Tracks of My Years
Playlist 3.00 Radio 2 Playlist: Have A Great
Weekend 4.00 Radio 2 Playlist: Feelgood
Friday 5.00 Nicki Chapman
Radio 3
FM: 90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30am Breakfast
Petroc Trelawny presents listener requests
9.00 Essential Classics
Presented by Rob Cowan. Griff Rhys Jones
reveals his cultural inspirations
12.00 Composer of the Week:
Cole Porter (1891-1964)
Porter’s war years, and his biggest success,
Kiss Me Kate. Porter (Overture — Leave It To
Me; Friendship; Gavotte — Du Barry Was A
Lady; Dream Dancing; Since I Kissed My Baby
Goodbye — You’ll Never Get Rich; Overture;
By the Mississinewah — Something For The
Boys; Don’t Fence Me In; Ev’ry Time We Say
Goodbye — Seven Lively Arts; What is This
Thing Called Love? — Wake Up and Dream;
Miss Otis Regrets — Hi Diddle Diddle; You’d
Be So Nice to Come Home To; Something to
Shout About; Look What I Found;Should I Tell
You I Love You — Around the World in Eighty
Days; So in Love — Kiss Me Kate) (r)
1.00pm News
1.02 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert
Ian Skelly presents highlights of the
Schubertiade, with the pianist Marc-Andre
Hamelin and the Manderling Quartet.
Schubert (Quintet in A, D667 — Trout); and
Bach (French suite No 1 in D minor, BWV812)
Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge, a study in Middle England angst
2.00 Afternoon Concert
Jonathan Swain presents Cavalli’s 1655 comic
opera Erismena by the sopranos Francesca
Aspromonte and Susanna Hurrell, the
countertenors Carlo Vistoli, Jakub Józef
Orlínski and Tai Oney, the bass Alexander
Miminoshvili, the mezzo Lea Desandre, the
baritones Andrea Bonsignore and Jonathan
Abernethy and the tenor Stuart Jackson,
with the Cappella Mediterranea, under the
conductor Leonardo García Alarcó. Plus, the
Ulster Orchestra and the violinist Jack
Liebeck performing Bruch with the conductor
Giordano Bellincampi performing Bruch
(A Scottish Fantasy, Op 46)
5.00 Words and Music
Jonathan Pryce and Jenny Agutter read
pieces on the theme of saints and sinners (r)
6.15 New Generation Artists
Performances by the soprano Fatma Said,
the Calidore Quartet, and the Amatis Piano
Trio. Strauss (Kornblumen Op 22 No 1);
Mendelssohn (String Quartet in F minor,
Op 80); Schubert (Der Hirt auf dem Felsen,
D965); Haydn (Trio in C major H.15.27);
Eisler (Herr Hauptmann; Mein Sohn, was
immer auch aus dir werde); and Sherif
Mohie Din (Will the River Flow For Ever)
7.30 BBC Proms 2017
The violinist Alina Ibragimova joins the
conductor Vladimir Jurowski and the London
Philharmonic Orchestra in a Russian themed
programme. Stravinsky (Funeral Song; Song
of the Volga Boatmen); Prokofiev (Violin
Concerto No 1 in D); Britten (Russian
Funeral); and Shostakovich (Symphony No 11
in G minor — The Year 1905) (r)
9.35 BBC Proms 2017
Kevin John Edusei conducts the UK’s first
BME orchestra, Chineke!, featuring Sheku
Kanneh-Mason on cello and the soprano
Jeanine De Bique. Presented by Sara
Mohr-Pietsch from the Royal Albert Hall,
London. Hannah Kendall (The Spark Catchers
— BBC commission: first performance);
Dvorák (Rondo in G minor, Op 94); David
Popper orch M Schlegel (Hungarian
Rhapsody, Op 68); George Walker (Lyric for
Strings); Handel (Da tempeste il legno
infranto — Julius Caesar; Rejoice Greatly —
Messiah); Joseph Bologne, Chevalier de
Saint-Georges, orch Mauricio Rodriguez (Au
penchant qui nous entrâine); RimskyKorsakov (Capriccio espagnol, Op 34) (r)
11.00 Exposure
Verity Sharp presents an experimental
set from Norwich Arts Centre
11.30 Late Junction Mixtape
By electro-acoustic composer Jonty Harrison
12.30am Through the Night
Radio 4
FM: 92.4-94.6 MHz LW: 198kHz MW: 720 kHz
5.30am-7.30 (LW) Live Test Match
Special: Australia v England
Commentary on the third day of the fourth
Ashes Test
5.30 News Briefing
5.43 Prayer for the Day
5.45 Farming Today
5.58 Tweet of the Day
6.00 Today
7.30 (LW) Today
9.00 In Our Time
Melvyn Bragg and guests discuss Hamlet
9.45 (LW) Daily Service
9.45 Book of the Week: Adventures of
a Young Naturalist
By David Attenborough (4/5)
10.00 Woman’s Hour
Lively discussion and interviews, presented
by Jenni Murray. Including at 10.45 the 15
Minute Drama: Part four of Incredible
Women, by Rebecca and James Front
11.00 Crossing Continents
A journey up the Pilcomayo river that
separates Paraguay from Argentina (6/9)
11.30 Thinking Outside the Boxset:
How Technology Changed the Story
How the power of the audience is affecting
storytellers. Last in the series
12.01pm (LW) Shipping Forecast
12.04 Home Front
By Katie Hims. In North Shields, Marion
eagerly accepts Kitty’s generosity
12.15 You and Yours
1.00 The World at One
1.45 Radio 4’s Pen Pals
The scientist Jim Al-Khalili gets a pen pal
who lives on a remote Canadian island (4/5)
2.00 The Archers (r)
2.15 Drama: Long Time Coming
By Ben Weatherill. Rachel is ambushed in the
supermarket by Vicky, a woman who claims
to be an old school friend. Kate O’Flynn stars
3.00 Open Country
Helen Mark explores the writer Nan
Shepherd’s Cairngorms (10/16)
3.27 Radio 4 Appeal
On behalf of Handicap International UK (r)
3.30 Open Book
The comedy actor David Walliams talks about
his life as a children’s writer (r)
4.00 The Film Programme
Francine Stock talks to Aaron Sorkin about
his directorial debut Molly’s Game
4.30 BBC Inside Science
5.00 PM
5.54 (LW) Shipping Forecast
6.00 Six O’Clock News
been premature. As we were reminded
near the end in non-fortuitous fashion,
Alan has his “second chance” on the
BBC coming soon — he’s been down,
he’s bounced back, he’s about to have
the last laugh and still, you feel, his
story has a way to go yet. Aha!
There will have been some who
found Turtle, Eagle, Cheetah: A Slow
TV Odyssey spellbinding, others who
will have found it as boring as hell,
spitting crumbs of mince pie at it
before turning over to Most Shocking
Celebrity Moments. Whatever your
bag, it was undoubtedly the most
extraordinary film this Christmas.
Most entrancing was the sequence
submerging you in Indonesian coral
gardens for a ride aboard a turtle,
seeing exactly as it does — a kind of
TV methadone for a nation missing
Blue Planet II. When we were suddenly
airlifted out to west Scotland it felt like
being pulled out of an anaesthetic.
It’s possible that, after half an hour
of an eagle flapping over lonely moors,
even a Benedictine monk might have
started to experience impatience. Yet if
you managed to make it through all
90, dream-like minutes of underwater
gurgling, buffeting winds and buzzing
cicadas, your reward — a catatonic
state — would have liberated you from
all the distractions of the modern
world. Slow TV can only be a good
thing for the health of the nation.
james.jackson@thetimes.co.uk
6.15 Dr John Cooper Clarke at the BBC
The Bard of Salford performs classic and new
poems at the BBC’s Radio Theatre in London
6.30 Keep Calman Carry On
Susan Calman goes birdwatching with Emma
Kennedy. Last in the series
7.00 The Archers
Brian sets out his vision
7.15 Front Row
7.45 Incredible Women (4/5) (r)
8.00 The Briefing Room
A look at the US Democratic Party
8.30 In Business
A report on how employers are managing
mental health at the workplace (5/9)
9.00 BBC Inside Science (r)
9.30 In Our Time (r)
10.00 The World Tonight
10.45 Book at Bedtime:
How to Stop Time
By Matt Haig. Abridged by Jeremy Osbourne
and read by Tom Hollander (4/10)
11.00-5.20am (LW) Test Match Special:
Australia v England
Commentary on the fourth day of the fourth
Test in Melbourne
11.00 The Brig Society
Marcus Brigstocke becomes a football
manager, attempting to take his amateur
side to the Premier League (1/6) (r)
11.30 Anansi Boys
By Neil Gaiman. Dramatised by Dirk Maggs.
Fat Charlie arrives in Florida to enlist Mrs
Higgler’s help in getting rid of Spider.
See Radio Choice (4/6)
12.00 News and Weather
12.15am Bone Stories (3/5) (r)
12.30 Book of the Week: Adventures of
a Young Naturalist (4/5) (r)
12.48 Shipping Forecast
1.00 As BBC World Service
5.20 Shipping Forecast
Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
8.00am Not in Front of the Children 8.30
The Goon Show 9.00 Counterpoint 9.30 King
Street Junior 10.00 Night and Day 11.00
Ballet Stories 11.15 The Further Adventures
of Sherlock Holmes 12.00 Not in Front of the
Children 12.30pm The Goon Show 1.00 A
Case for Paul Temple 1.30 Strictly Come
Brucie 2.00 The Diary of a Provincial Lady
2.15 Five Hundred Years of Friendship 2.30
Dombey and Son 2.45 The Pantomime Life of
Joseph Grimaldi 3.00 Night and Day 4.00
Counterpoint 4.30 King Street Junior
5.00 Double Income, No Kids Yet
5.30 Keep Calman Carry On 6.00 Good
Omens 6.30 Great Lives 7.00 Not in Front of
the Children 7.30 The Goon Show 8.00 A
Case for Paul Temple. The sleuth lays a trap
in Piccadilly underground station 8.30
Strictly Come Brucie. Bruce Forsyth discusses
his showbusiness career 9.00 Ballet Stories.
Giselle by John Burnside. Read by Ronald
Pickup 9.15 The Further Adventures of
Sherlock Holmes. The Ferrers Documents by
Bert Coules. Last in the series 10.00 Comedy
Club: Keep Calman Carry On. Susan Calman
tries her hand at baking 10.30 Sean Lock —
15 Storeys High (r) 11.00 Sarah Millican’s
Support Group. The team deals with a case of
sibling rivalry 11.30 The Show What You
Wrote. Sketches with a historical theme
Radio 5 Live
MW: 693, 909
7.00am Ashes Breakfast 10.00 5 Live Daily
with Chris Warburton 1.00pm Afternoon
Edition 4.00 5 Live Drive 7.00 5 Live Sport
8.00 5 Live Sport: Premier League Football
2017-18. Crystal Palace v Arsenal (Kick-off
8.00) 10.00 Sam Walker 11.30 The Ashes:
Australia v England. The fourth day’s play
talkSPORT
MW: 1053, 1089 kHz
6.00am The Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast
with Micky Quinn 10.00 Ray Parlour and Bob
Mills 1.00pm Danny Kelly and Max Rushden
4.00 Adrian Durham and Darren Gough
7.00 Kick-off 10.00 Sports Bar
1.00am Extra Time with Tom Latchem
6 Music
Digital only
7.00am Jon Hillcock 10.00 Mary Anne
Hobbs 1.00pm Stuart Maconie 4.00 Huey
Morgan 7.00 Celebrates Scott Walker
9.00 Gideon Coe. Tributes to musicians
who died in 2017. See Radio Choice
12.00 6 Music Recommends with Steve
Lamacq 1.00am Chuck Berry: 40 Years On
2.00 The Evolution of John Peel: 2000s
Evolution 2.30 6 Music Live Hour 3.30
6 Music’s Jukebox 5.00 Chris Hawkins
Classic FM
FM: 100-102 MHz
6.00am More Music Breakfast 10.00 John
Brunning 2.00pm Jane Jones 5.00 Sam
Pittis 8.00 The Full Works Concert. David
Mellor showcases some of the finest
releases of the last 12 months 10.00
Smooth Classics 1.00am Bob Jones
8
1G T
Thursday December 28 2017 | the times
television & radio
Viewing Guide
Joe Clay
Attenborough
and the Empire
of the Ants
BBC Two, 9.30pm
What sounds
like the
terrifying
premise for
a classic Hollywood Bmovie is an absorbing
edition of the Natural
Early
Top
pick
World in which David
Attenborough lifts the
lid on one of the largest
insect societies in the
world. The naturalist is
in the foothills of the
Jura Mountains on the
Swiss-French border
to explore the vast
underground maze of
tunnels and chambers
that lie beneath a large
mound of thatched
spruce needles, home
to a super-colony of
wood ants — about
half a billion of them.
Selfless collaboration is
key to the success of
any ant colony, but
co-operation between
rival ant colonies is
extremely rare. In a
normal colony all the
workers are related to
one another and the
queen, and the theory
is that this is why they
work together. However,
that is not the case in
these super-colonies,
where there can be
hundreds of queens.
Their harmonious
existence breaks many
of the rules for ants and
is in conflict with the
laws of evolution as we
understand them.
Attenborough and the
Natural World team
observe the two types
of colonies — the
warmongers and the
peace-seekers —
through winter, spring
and summer as they try
to work out what is
going on. Getting up
close and personal to
subjects that have a
head the size of a
pinhead is a challenge,
so specialist macro
lenses and relay
systems were used, as
well as infrared lights
placed in the ants’
weird and wonderful
subterranean world.
Still Open
All Hours
BBC One, 7.30pm
Roy Clarke’s sitcom is
one of the golden oldie
favourites returning
this Christmas.
Granville (David Jason)
has a job lot of bangfree crackers to shift, so
decides to market them
as crackers “for those of
a nervous disposition”.
Granville himself has
reason to be nervous
because Mr Newbold is
going away, leaving the
shopkeeper at the mercy
of Mrs Featherstone. To
make matters worse,
his beloved Mavis is
also planning a break.
And lo, a ridiculous plot
unfolds as Granville
tries to make sure they
all stay put for the
festive season. Best
enjoyed with a pint
of crème de menthe.
BBC One
BBC Two
ITV
Channel 4
Channel 5
6.00am Breakfast 9.00 FILM: The Pirates! In an
Adventure with Scientists! (U, 2012) Animated
comedy with the voice of Hugh Grant (AD) 10.20 FILM:
Kung Fu Panda (PG, 2008) Animated comedy with the
voice of Jack Black (AD) 11.45 Bargain Hunt. Finding
antiques on Portobello Road, London (r) 12.45pm BBC
News at One; Weather 1.00 BBC Regional News; Weather
1.05 Father Brown. The clerical sleuth encounters a
voodoo priest (r) (AD) 1.50 Revolting Rhymes. Three
animations based on poems from Roald Dahl’s children’s
book (1/2) (r) (AD) 2.20 FILM: Shrek the Third
(U, 2007) The bad-tempered ogre must persuade a
rebellious teenager to face up to his responsibilities as
heir to the throne. Animated sequel with the voice of
Mike Myers (AD) 3.45 The Gruffalo’s Child. Animated
sequel with the voice of Robbie Coltrane (r) (AD) 4.10
FILM: How to Train Your Dragon 2 (PG, 2014)
Young Viking Hiccup tries to protect his homeland from a
warlord raising an army of dragons. Animated adventure
sequel with the voice of Jay Baruchel (AD) 5.45
Pointless. Quiz show hosted by Alexander Armstrong (r)
6.30 BBC News 6.45 BBC Regional News; Weather
6.45am Sign Zone: MasterChef: The Professionals (r)
(AD, SL) 7.45 FILM: Ray Harryhausen — Special
Effects Titan (PG, 2011) A tribute to the acclaimed
visual effects artist 9.15 The Big Family Cooking
Showdown (r) (AD) 10.15 Nadiya’s British Food
Adventure (r) (AD) 11.15 The Sweet Makers: A Victorian
Treat (r) (AD) 12.15pm FILM: Love Is a Many
Splendored Thing (U, 1955) Fact-based romantic
drama with William Holden and Jennifer Jones (AD)
1.55 Supercharged Otters: Natural World. Documentary
following three orphaned river otters (r) (AD) 2.55 The
World’s Most Extraordinary Homes. Piers Taylor and
Caroline Quentin visit Spain, the United States and New
Zealand viewing four unusual homes built in or near areas
of forest (r) (AD) 3.55 Inside the Factory. Gregg Wallace
explores the world’s largest dried pasta factory in Italy,
while Cherry Healey is discovering why the best pasta is
made with durum wheat (r) (AD) 4.55 FILM: The
Heroes of Telemark (PG, 1965) Norwegian resistance
fighters launch a campaign of sabotage to stop occupying
Nazi forces developing an atomic bomb. Second World
War thriller starring Kirk Douglas and Richard Harris
6.00am Good Morning Britain. Shaun Williamson gives
the lowdown on his appearance in Peter Pan, and Chris
Packham talks about his dinosaur documentary The Real
T. Rex 8.30 Lorraine 9.25 FILM: Babe (U, 1995)
A piglet dreams of being a champion sheepdog but several
greedy humans are determined to see him end up on a
dinner plate. Family comedy with James Cromwell and
Magda Szubanski (AD) 11.05 FILM: Black Beauty
(U, 1994) A stallion recalls how events led to his ending
up as a hackney-cab nag in Victorian England. Family
drama starring Sean Bean and David Thewlis 12.45pm
ITV News; Weather 1.00 Midsomer Murders. As
Midsomer St Claire prepares for storms and flooding, it
appears a murderer is using ancient torture methods to
punish modern-day “sinners” (r) (AD) 3.00 Tenable. Quiz
hosted by Warwick Davis which sees five friends from
Southampton compete (r) 4.00 Tipping Point. Ben
Shephard hosts the arcade-themed quiz show (r) 5.00
The Chase. Bradley Walsh presents the quiz (r) 6.00 Paul
O’Grady: For the Love of Dogs. The comedian sets out to
reunite a Jack Russell with its owner (r) 6.30 Regional
News; Weather 6.45 ITV News; Weather
7.20am FILM: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
(U, 2004) The plucky sea creature sets out to prove his
boss Mr Krabs is innocent of stealing Neptune’s crown.
Animated comedy with the voices of Tom Kenny, Bill
Fagerbakke and Clancy Brown 8.55 Lego Masters. The
teams compete in challenges on the theme of movement
(r) (AD) 10.00 The Simpsons (r) (AD) 11.00 FILM: Spy
Kids 4 — All the Time in the World (PG, 2011) Two
children learn their stepmother is a secret agent and help
her battle an evil genius with the power to control time.
Family adventure starring Jessica Alba and Jeremy Piven
12.45pm FILM: The Net (12, 1995) A computer
analyst has to prove her true identity after her details are
replaced by a false police record on the national database.
Thriller starring Sandra Bullock 3.00 Four Rooms with
Sarah Beeny. Items include a sculpture of screen goddess
Betty Grable 4.00 Channel 4 News 4.20 FILM: Back to
the Future Part III (PG, 1990) Time-travelling
teenager Marty McFly is transported back to the Wild
West to save his scientist friend from death. Sci-fi
comedy sequel starring Michael J Fox 6.30 Hollyoaks.
Joel confides in Sienna about his feelings for Cleo (AD)
6.00am Milkshake! 9.15 Cruising with Jane McDonald.
Highlights of Jane’s tour of Alaska, America’s largest
state (r) 9.30 The Gadget Show. Jon Bentley and Craig
Charles assess three rival electric cars (r) 10.25 FILM:
The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (U, 1958) The wily sailor
pits his wits against an evil magician to save a princess
on an island inhabited by hideous monsters. Fantasy
adventure starring Kerwin Mathews and Kathryn Grant
12.15pm FILM: The Vikings (PG, 1958) A Norse
warrior fights to claim the Northumbrian throne, unaware
his rival for the crown is really his half-brother. Adventure
with Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh 2.30
FILM: Jason and the Argonauts (U, 1963) The son
of an overthrown king battles monsters during an epic
voyage in search of a magical golden fleece. Fantasy
adventure with Todd Armstrong, Honor Blackman and
Nancy Kovack 4.30 André Rieu: My Life in Music. Profile
of the violinist, examining his upbringing and musical
influences (r) 6.00 André Rieu: Christmas in London.
A festive concert by the Dutch violinist and the Johann
Strauss Orchestra, featuring carols as well as songs
including Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah (r)
7.00 Thailand: Earth’s Tropical Paradise
Exploring the forests, plains and cities
of Central Thailand, and revealing how
the nation’s people find spiritual
fulfilment in their relationships with
animals (2/3) (r) (AD)
7.00 Emmerdale Rebecca confesses her
plans, Lachlan loses his temper, Jimmy
and Nicola receive a tempting offer
from Morris, and Bernice gets nervous
as she prepares for her date (AD)
7.00 We’re Going on a Bear Hunt
Animation based on Michael Rosen and
Helen Oxenbury’s book (r) (AD)
7.00 Winter in Alaska Documentary
following four seasons in the North
American state, beginning with winter,
where snowfall is measured in feet
rather than inches (1/4) (r)
8.00 EastEnders Fi breaks into
Willmott-Brown’s office to find out the
truth about her father (AD)
8.00 Christmas University Challenge
2017 Teams from the University of
Leicester and UCL compete (4/10)
8.30 Little Women Jo feels snubbed when
Amy is chosen to accompany Aunt
Carroll’s daughter on a tour of Europe,
so she flees to New York to pursue her
career. However, her adventure is cut
short by devastating news from home.
Last in the series (AD)
8.30 Six Robots & Us In north London, a
couple receive a robot designed to help
their autistic four-year-old son with
his communication and interaction
skills, and a family food store in
Edinburgh takes delivery of a robot
worker (2/2) (AD)
9.30 EastEnders Fi is sickened to discover
how low her family have sunk, and
Bernadette tells Kandice about the
family’s money troubles (AD)
9.30 Natural World David Attenborough
tells the story of two physically
identical species of ant that have two
very different strategies to survive the
harsh environment of the Swiss Alps.
See Viewing Guide (AD)
8.00 Harry Potter and the Order of the
Phoenix (12, 2007) The young
wizard struggles to convince his fellow
sorcerers that the evil Lord Voldemort
has returned to life. When Hogwarts
headmaster Dumbledore is ousted in
favour of a sadistic replacement, Harry
realises he must take matters into his
own hands, uniting his fellow pupils to
form a secret army and training them
for the inevitable confrontation to
come. Fantasy adventure sequel
starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma
Watson, Rupert Grint, Imelda Staunton
and Gary Oldman (AD)
7PM
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC
7.00 Celebrity Mastermind With Philip
Serrell, Richard McCourt, Lemn Sissay
and Olivia Wayne (2/10)
Late
11PM
10PM
9PM
8PM
7.30 Still Open All Hours New series.
Granville faces being left alone at
Christmas as all his friends plan to go
away. See Viewing Guide (1/7) (AD)
10.00 BBC News
10.15 BBC Regional News and Weather
10.25 Bruno Mars: Live in Harlem The
singer and his band, the Hooligans,
present a TV special recorded at the
Apollo Theatre in Harlem, New York,
performing songs including 24k Magic
11.10 U2 at the BBC: Special Edition The
band perform some of their biggest
hits at Abbey Road Studios, alongside
new tracks from their album Songs of
Experience. In an extended edition,
Cat Deeley talks to U2 about their
success, and finds out about the reality
of life on the road when she joins the
band on tour in South America
12.30am-6.00 BBC News
10.30 Romesh Ranganathan: Irrational
Live Stand-up show recorded in 2016,
in which the Bafta-nominated
comedian takes shots at everyone from
his children to a stranger in a coffee
shop. See Viewing Guide
11.30 Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (15,
2013) Comedy starring Steve Coogan
and Colm Meaney (AD)
12.55am FILM: Oasis — Supersonic (15, 2016)
Documentary about the early years of the Manchester
band, featuring concert footage and first-hand accounts
of the sibling rivalry between Noel and Liam Gallagher
2.55 Sign Zone: Employable Me (r) (AD, SL) 3.55-4.55
Blitz: The Bombs That Changed Britain (r) (AD, SL)
10.35 ITV News
10.55 Tina & Bobby The West Ham player
leads England to World Cup glory at
Wembley and fame and fortune follow,
as the couple become icons of their
time. Lorne MacFadyen and Michelle
Keegan star (2/3) (r) (AD)
11.55 Stuck on You: The Football Sticker
Story Documentary (r)
12.45am Jackpot247 3.00 Tenable. Quiz hosted by
Warwick Davis which sees five friends compete to answer
questions about top 10 lists, then try to score a perfect
10 in the final round (r) (SL) 3.50 ITV Nightscreen
5.05-6.00 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Guests air their
differences over family and relationship issues (r) (SL)
7.30 The Secret Life of the Zoo at
Christmas Chester Zoo’s keepers
make gifts for all the animals, and it is
a chaotic free-for-all when the parcels
are handed over to the chimps (r) (AD)
8.30 The Secret Life of 5 Year Olds on
Holiday Familiar faces from the series
go on holiday to Cyprus with their
families. See Viewing Guide (AD)
9.00 What Britain Bought in 2017
Mary Portas surveys Britain’s spending
habits over the past 12 months, and
looks back at some of the retail
stories, such as the popularity of
Prosecco and the fidget spinner (AD)
10.00 The Undateables at Christmas
Familiar faces from the dating show
share their extra special plans for the
festive season, with Daniel from
Brighton busy planning the release
of his latest single (r) (AD)
11.05 About a Boy (12, 2002)
A womaniser who poses as a father to
meet single women changes his ways
after befriending a lonely youngster.
Romantic comedy with Hugh Grant,
Toni Collette and Nicholas Hoult
12.55am Alan Carr’s Christmas Chatty Man With
Noel Gallagher and Christian Slater (r) 2.50 Paul
O’Grady’s 100 Years of Movie Musicals (r) 4.10 Location,
Location, Location (r) 5.05 Jamie’s Cracking Christmas (r)
5.15-7.05 FILM: Young Sherlock Holmes
(PG, 1985) Adventure starring Nicholas Rowe
8.00 World’s Strongest Man 2017
Action from the second heat in
Botswana, which featured Icelandic
Game of Thrones star Hafthor Julius
Bjornsson, a man who has stood on the
podium five times but has never been
crowned champion (7/11)
9.00 Flight (15, 2012) An airline pilot
with a history of heavy drinking and
drug use successfully lands a plane
that suffers mechanical problems
during a fierce storm, saving the lives
of nearly everyone on board. While
initially hailed as a hero, it later
emerges that he was drunk at the
time, raising questions about whether
he may have contributed to the
disaster rather than averted it. Drama
starring Denzel Washington, Don
Cheadle and Kelly Reilly
11.45 The Taking of Pelham 123 (15,
2009) Thriller starring Denzel
Washington and John Travolta
1.45am SuperCasino Live interactive gaming 3.05
Love/Hate. The gang members’ lives spiral out of control,
and John Boy seems to have finally lost his grip on sanity
after he sees Debbie taking heroin (r) 4.00 Cruising with
Jane McDonald (r) (SL) 4.45 House Doctor (r) (SL) 5.10
House Busters (r) (SL) 5.35-6.00 Wildlife SOS (r) (SL)
the times | Thursday December 28 2017
9
1G T
television & radio
The Secret Life
of 5 Year Olds
on Holiday
Channel 4, 8.30pm
The summer package
holiday is another ideal
prism for the child
behavioural experts
Professor Paul HowardJones and Dr Alison
Pike to observe how
children interact and
play together. Plus, the
Sunwing family resort
in Ayia Napa, Cyprus,
makes a nice change
from dreary old school.
Familiar faces from the
series are observed as
they pack for their
adventure, travel to
the resort and sample
some of the local
delicacies. They also
take part in a holiday
quiz and learn to swim
at the pool, and there’s
even the chance to
form new friendships.
Francis Bacon
BBC Four, 9pm
If you have popped by
Tate Britain, stood in
front of Francis Bacon’s
most famous work —
Three Studies for
Figures at the Base of
a Crucifixion — and
wondered at the agony,
pain and sheer violence
behind the canvas, this
spellbinding
documentary, first
shown in January, is
for you. It is also proof
that the simple, talkingheads format can work
a treat, provided that
your interviewees are
compelling. Here we
see, quite explicitly,
the man behind the art.
“I believe in deeply
ordered chaos in my
work,” Bacon once said.
Here is the ordered
chaos in the artist’s life.
Chris Bennion
Romesh
Ranganathan
BBC Two, 10.30pm
Last year’s stand-up
tour turned the former
rapper and teacher into
one of the biggest
draws in live comedy.
The panel show regular
has the natural swagger
of a comedian who
knows how to dominate
a room — even when
his routines wander
down familiar paths.
His Sri Lankan heritage
— or lack of it —
remains a rich vein,
though. Ranganathan
is part of a generation
that probably knows
more about New Jersey
rap than life on the
sub-continent. He also
makes a convincingly
grumpy parent and can
have fun at the expense
of his portly physique.
Clive Davis
Sport Choice
Eurosport 1, from 9.15am
Here’s some guaranteed
powder this winter, as
the men’s and women’s
Alpine Ski World Cups
continue. The chaps are
in Bormio, Italy, the
ladies in Lienz, Austria.
Tomorrow we have
men’s combined and
women’s slalom; today
is men’s downhill and
women’s giant slalom.
Sky One
Sky Atlantic
Sky Living
Sky Arts
Sky Main Event
Variations
6.00am Futurama (r) (AD) 7.30 The Simpsons
(r) 9.30 Modern Family (r) 11.00 David
Attenborough’s Galapagos (r) (AD) 12.00
Hawaii Five-0 (r) 1.00pm Fungus the Bogeyman
(r) (AD) 2.30 The Simpsons (r) 3.30 Modern
Family (r) 4.30 Futurama (r)
5.30 The Simpsons. Five episodes (r)
8.00 Carpool Karaoke Special. With Katy Perry
and Jennifer Lopez (r) (AD)
9.00 FILM: xXx2: The Next Level (12,
2005) An imprisoned soldier is recruited to
prevent a military organisation overthrowing the
US government. Action sequel with Ice Cube
11.00 A League of Their Own: US Road Trip 2.0.
Jack, Jamie and Freddie head to Florida’s
Everglades to hunt for crocodiles (r) (AD)
12.00 The Russell Howard Hour (r) 1.00am
A League of Their Own: Unseen (r) (AD) 2.00
A League of Their Own (r) (AD) 3.00 The Force:
Manchester (r) 4.00 Monkeys: An Amazing
Animal Family (r) (AD) 5.00 David
Attenborough’s Galapagos (r) (AD)
6.00am David Attenborough’s Kingdom of
Plants (r) (AD) 9.00 Making of David
Attenborough’s Kingdom of Plants (r) 10.00 San
Francisco 2.0 (r) 11.00 Blue Bloods (r) (AD)
6.00pm FILM: Dinosaur 13 (PG, 2014)
The true story of one of history’s greatest
dinosaur discoveries (r) (AD)
8.00 David Attenborough’s Conquest of the
Skies. The making of the documentary series (r)
9.00 The Tunnel: Vengeance. The investigation
steps up when Winnie is sent a live rat (3/6)
10.00 Game of Thrones. Joffrey stands up to his
grandfather, Daenerys discovers if she is seen as
a conqueror or liberator and mercy comes from a
surprising source in Dragonstone (r) (AD)
11.25 Game of Thrones. Jon Snow finds himself
on trial at Castle Black (r) (AD)
12.40am Big Little Lies (r) (AD) 1.45 The
Tunnel: Vengeance (r) 2.45 FILM: Nightingale
(12, TVM, 2015) Psychological drama starring
David Oyelowo and Barlow Jacobs 4.20 Richard
E Grant’s Hotel Secrets (r) (AD)
6.00am 60 Minute Makeover (r) 7.00 Obese: A
Year to Save My Life USA (r) 8.00 CSI: Crime
Scene Investigation (r) 9.00 Criminal Minds (r)
11.00 Motorway Patrol (r) 12.00 UK Border
Force (r) 1.00pm Stop, Search, Seize (r) (AD)
2.00 Nothing to Declare (r) 4.00 CSI: Crime
Scene Investigation (r) 5.00 Criminal Minds (r)
7.00 Children’s Hospital (1/12) (r) (AD)
7.30 Children’s Hospital (2/12) (r) (AD)
8.00 Elementary. Sherlock investigates the
murder of a debt collector (r) (AD)
9.00 Criminal Minds. The team investigates the
murder of two children in a small Texan town (r)
10.00 Madam Secretary. Henry disagrees with
the president and Elizabeth when they refuse to
negotiate with terrorists
11.00 Criminal Minds. The BAU discovers
two bodies in the boot of a car (r)
12.00 Criminal Minds. The Reaper returns (r)
1.00am Blindspot (r) 2.00 Elementary (r) (AD)
3.00 Criminal Minds (r) 4.00 The Good Doctor
(r) 5.00 Nothing to Declare (r)
6.00am Katherine Jenkins Live at the O2 8.00
Portrait Artist of the Year 2017 9.00 A Brass
Band Wonderland (AD) 10.30 Williams and
Spielberg: The Adventure Continues 11.00
2Cellos at Sydney Opera House 1.00pm Tales of
the Unexpected (AD) 2.00 Elvis: The Final Hours
(AD) 3.00 Discovering: Paul Newman 4.00 The
Sixties (AD) 5.00 The Seventies (AD)
6.00 The Eighties. Mikhail Gorbachev’s rise to
power in the Soviet Union (AD)
7.00 Frank Sinatra: The Voice of America. Profile
of the singer and the key to his success (AD)
9.00 Clint Eastwood: A Life In Film.
The actor discusses his life and career
10.45 Laurel and Hardy: Their Lives and Magic.
The friendship between the duo (AD)
12.30am Buster Keaton: The Genius Crushed by
Hollywood (AD) 1.30 FILM: Cops (U, 1922)
Silent comedy starring Buster Keaton, Joe
Roberts and Virginia Fox (b/w) 1.50 The History
of Comedy (AD) 2.45 Dying Laughing 4.25
24x36: A Movie About Movie Posters (AD)
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans Bitesize
7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 10.00 Premier
League Daily 11.00 Christmas Transfer Centre
11.30 Sky Sports Daily 12.00 Sky Sports News
12.30pm Live World Darts Championship. The
afternoon session on day 12, featuring three
matches from the third round 4.30 Sky Sports
News 5.00 Sky Sports News at 5
6.00 Sky Sports News at 6. The latest updates
7.00 Sky Sports Tonight. Leading sports stories
7.30 Live Premier League: Crystal Palace v
Arsenal. Coverage of the top-flight contest at
Selhurst Park (Kick-off 8.00)
10.00 Live World Darts Championship. Coverage
of the evening session on day 12 of the PDC
event at the Alexandra Palace in London,
featuring three matches from the third round
11.00 Sky Sports News. The day’s talking points
12.00 Sky Sports News 2.00am Live
International T20 Cricket: New Zealand v West
Indies. The first match in the three-match series
in Nelson 5.15 Best of Sky Cricket
BBC One N Ireland
As BBC One except: 10.25pm The Nathan
Carter Christmas Special. The host is joined by
special guests including Melanie C, Curtis
Stigers, Una Healy, and the children from St
Patrick’s Junior Choir 11.25 Bruno Mars: Live
in Harlem 12.10am U2 at the BBC: Special
Edition 1.25-6.00 BBC News
BBC Two Scotland
As BBC Two except: 7.00pm-8.00 Roads Less
Travelled. Part two of two. Cameron McNeish
completes his journey, heading from the Falls
of Bruar, southeast to the magnificent Angus
Glens before turning north to Deeside
BBC Two Wales
As BBC Two except: 2.55pm-3.55 Proms in
the Park 2017. BBC Proms in the Park returns
to Singleton Park, Swansea, with a show
featuring some of film and television’s greatest
hits, plus the best of the traditional ‘Last
Night’ celebrations. The soul singer Mica Paris
tops the bill and pays homage to the jazz
legend Ella Fitzgerald, and the BBC National
Orchestra and Chorus of Wales are joined on
stage by the Olivier Award-winner Rebecca
Trehearn and the saxophonist Jess Gillam (r)
STV
As ITV except: 12.45am Teleshopping 1.45
After Midnight 3.15 ITV Nightscreen
5.05-6.00 The Jeremy Kyle Show (r)
DIGITAL RADIO • APP • VIRGINRADIO.CO.UK
BBC Four
E4
More4
Film4
ITV2
7.00pm Sound of Musicals with Neil Brand. The
writer and composer looks at the rise of the
all-conquering contemporary blockbuster, from
Evita to Les Miserables. Last in the series (r)
8.00 Royal Institution Christmas Lectures 2017:
The Language of Life. Sophie Scott asks where
humans’ superior linguistic ability comes from.
Last in the series
9.00 Francis Bacon: A Brush with Violence.
Exploring the public and personal identities of
Francis Bacon, making use of interviews with
fellow artists and some of the people who
knew him best. See Viewing Guide (r) (AD)
10.20 Jonas Kaufmann: Tenor for the Ages.
Documentary following the German opera singer
over the course of two years, as he prepares to
return to the stage after a vocal injury left him
unable to perform for five months (r)
11.50 The World’s Most Expensive Stolen
Paintings. Audacious art thefts (r)
12.50am Sound of Musicals with Neil Brand.
The rise of the contemporary blockbuster. Last in
the series (r) 1.50 Royal Institution Christmas
Lectures 2017: The Language of Life (r)
2.50-3.50 Peaky Blinders (r) (AD)
6.00am Hollyoaks (r) (AD) 6.30 Charmed (r)
7.25 Rude(ish) Tube (r) 7.50 Ice Age: A
Mammoth Christmas (r) (AD) 8.15 FILM:
Postman Pat — The Movie (U, 2014)
Animated adventure with the voice of Stephen
Mangan 10.00 FILM: Animals United (U,
2010) Animated comedy with the voices of
James Corden and Stephen Fry 12.00 The Big
Bang Theory (r) (AD) 2.00pm How I Met Your
Mother (r) (AD) 3.00 The Big Bang Theory (r)
(AD) 5.00 The Goldbergs (r) (AD)
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
7.00 Hollyoaks (AD)
8.00 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
9.00 2 Broke Girls (AD)
9.30 2 Broke Girls (AD)
10.00 The Inbetweeners (r) (AD)
10.30 The Inbetweeners (r) (AD)
11.05 The Big Bang Theory (r) (AD)
12.00 Gogglebox (r) (AD) 1.05am Gogglebox
(r) (AD) 2.10 Tattoo Fixers at Christmas (r)
(AD) 3.05 The Inbetweeners (r) (AD, SL) 3.35
2 Broke Girls. Double bill (r) (AD) 4.20
Rude(ish) Tube. Amusing videos (r) 4.40
Charmed (r) (SL) 5.25 Rules of Engagement (r)
8.55am A Place in the Sun: Winter Sun (r)
10.00 FILM: Carry On Regardless (U, 1961)
Slapstick comedy starring Sid James (b/w) (AD)
11.50 A Place in the Sun (r) 12.20pm A Place
in the Sun: Winter Sun (r) 1.25 Four in a Bed (r)
4.05 Come Dine with Me (r)
6.20 Come Dine with Me. Sarah Roscoe hosts
the final dinner party in Sheffield (r)
6.55 Beatrix Potter with Patricia Routledge.
Celebrating the 150th anniversary of the birth of
the Edwardian publishing sensation (r) (AD)
8.00 The World’s Most Expensive Presents.
Cameras follow craftsmen and women producing
lavish gifts with price tags to match (r) (AD)
9.00 FILM: Last Vegas (12, 2013) Four
sixtysomething friends decide to relive their
wild youth with a trip to Las Vegas. Comedy
with Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Morgan
Freeman and Kevin Kline (AD)
11.05 Greg Davies: The Back of My Mum’s Head.
Stand-up comedy with the Man Down star (r)
12.15am 24 Hours in A&E (r) (AD) 1.15 Very
British Problems at Christmas (r) (AD) 2.20
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA (r)
3.15-3.55 8 Out of 10 Cats Uncut (r)
11.00am Jingle All the Way (PG, 1996)
Comedy starring Arnold Schwarzenegger (AD)
12.45pm Epic (U, 2013) Animated adventure
with the voice of Amanda Seyfried 2.50 Eragon
(PG, 2006) Fantasy adventure starring
Ed Speleers (AD) 4.55 Fantastic Four (PG,
2005) Sci-fi comic-book adventure starring
Ioan Gruffudd and Jessica Alba (AD)
7.05 Men in Black II (PG, 2002) An alien
plots to destroy humanity — and the only one
who can stop her is a retired agent whose
memory has been wiped. Sci-fi comedy sequel
starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones (AD)
9.00 Terminator Genisys (12, 2015) A time
traveller sent on a rescue mission discovers a
plot to change history beyond recognition. Sci-fi
adventure sequel with Arnold Schwarzenegger
11.25 Slow West (15, 2015) A Scottish
teenager travels across America in search of the
woman he loves, accompanied by a mysterious
drifter. Western starring Kodi Smit-McPhee
1.05am-3.25 Police Story: Lockdown (15,
2013) A cop has to deal with a hostage crisis at
a nightclub owned by his daughter’s criminal
boyfriend. Adventure sequel starring Jackie Chan
6.00am Totally Bonkers Guinness World
Records (r) 7.10 Mr Bean (r) (AD) 8.15 Britain’s
Got Talent: Top 10 Child Stars (r) 9.15 Planet’s
Got Talent (r) 9.45 Emmerdale (r) (AD) 10.15
Coronation Street (r) (AD) 10.45 FILM: Space
Chimps (U, 2008) Animated sci-fi comedy
with the voice of Andy Samberg 12.25pm
You’ve Been Framed at Christmas! (r) 1.10
Emmerdale (r) (AD) 1.40 Coronation Street (r)
(AD) 2.10 FILM: Ella Enchanted (PG, 2004)
Fantasy adventure starring Anne Hathaway (AD)
4.15 FILM: Clash of the Titans (12, 2010)
Adventure starring Sam Worthington (AD)
6.20 FILM: The Amazing Spider-Man 2
(12, 2014) Superhero adventure sequel (AD)
9.00 FILM: Casino Royale (12, 2006) James
Bond spy thriller starring Daniel Craig (AD)
11.50 Family Guy (r) (AD)
12.25am Family Guy (r) (AD) 1.45 American
Dad! (r) (AD) 2.40 The Keith Lemon Sketch
Show (r) 3.05 Through the Keyhole (r) 3.55
Viral Tap (r) 4.30 Educating Joey Essex:
Supermodel Student (r) 5.20 Totally Bonkers
Guinness World Records (r) 5.45 Jonas Blue:
The Hot Desk (r) 5.55 ITV2 Nightscreen
ITV3
ITV4
Dave
Drama
Yesterday
6.00am You’re Only Young Twice (r) (AD) 6.25
Agatha Christie’s Marple (r) (AD) 8.15 Bertie
and Elizabeth (r) 10.20 Goodbye Mr Chips (r)
(AD) 12.25pm FILM: Carry On Don’t Lose
Your Head (PG, 1966) Comedy starring Sid
James (AD) 2.15 FILM: Carry On Loving
(PG, 1970) Comedy starring Sid James (AD)
4.10 FILM: Carry On Behind (PG, 1975)
Comedy starring Kenneth Williams
6.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple. An old friend of
Miss Marple, worried about a fire at her family
home, contacts the sleuth — who soon finds
herself investigating a murder (r) (AD)
8.00 Endeavour. Morse is assigned to protect an
informant who is undergoing emergency surgery,
and becomes fixated on a series of deaths that
have occurred in the hospital (3/4) (r) (AD)
10.00 Lewis. A killer targets a religious group,
and it is clear Hathaway knows more about the
case than he is willing to reveal (3/4) (r) (AD)
12.05am FILM: Carry On Cowboy (U, 1966)
Comedy western starring Sid James (AD) 2.05
Goodbye Mr Chips (r) (AD) 3.50 Bertie and
Elizabeth (r) 5.35 ITV3 Nightscreen
6.00am The Protectors (r) 6.25 The Chase (r)
8.00 Cash Cowboys (r) 8.50 Minder (r) (AD)
9.55 Ironside (r) (AD) 11.55 Quincy ME (r)
1.00pm The Professionals (r) (AD) 2.00
Ironside (r) (AD) 3.00 Quincy ME (r) 4.05
Minder (r) 5.10 The Professionals (r) (AD)
6.10 Storage Wars: Texas (r)
6.40 Storage Wars: Texas (r)
7.05 Pawn Stars. The guys stumble on signed
Beatles memorabilia (r)
7.35 Pawn Stars. A customer offers the shop a
toilet seat from a space shuttle (r)
8.00 River Monsters. Jeremy Wade returns to
Australia’s deadly Fitzroy River (r)
9.05 FILM: The Fugitive (15, 1993) A doctor
convicted of his wife’s murder goes on the run,
hoping to track down the one-armed man he
believes is the real killer. Thriller starring
Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones (AD)
11.45 FILM: Species III (15, 2004) Sci-fi
horror sequel starring Sunny Mabrey (AD)
2.05am The Big Fish Off (r) 3.00 Fishing
Impossible (r) 3.50 Minder (r) (AD, SL)
4.40 Ironside (r) 5.30 The Protectors (r)
6.00am Home Shopping 7.05 Cops UK:
Bodycam Squad 8.10 Motorway Cops 9.00
Dynamo: Magician Impossible (AD) 10.00 Red
Bull Soapbox Race. In Lausanne, Switzerland
11.00 Celebrity Storage Hunters 12.00 Storage
Hunters UK 4.00pm Top Gear (AD)
6.00 Red Bull Soapbox Race
7.00 Cops UK: Bodycam Squad. Following the
work of the Staffordshire Police force
8.00 QI XL. Jo Brand, Ben Goldacre, Andy
Hamilton and Alan Davies join host Stephen Fry
9.00 Dynamo: Magician Impossible. With
Samuel L Jackson and Jessica Ennis-Hill (AD)
10.00 Would I Lie to You? With Jimmy Carr,
Jamelia, Marcus Brigstocke and Terry Christian
10.40 Would I Lie to You? With Claudia
Winkleman, Clive Anderson, Jason Manford and
Miranda Hart. Presented by Rob Brydon
11.20 Would I Lie to You? Rob Brydon welcomes
the guests Jack Whitehall, Frankie Boyle,
Christine Bleakley and Kelvin MacKenzie
12.00 Have I Got a Bit More Old News for You
1.00am QI XL 2.00 Would I Lie to You? 3.15
Parks and Recreation 4.00 Home Shopping
7.25am Call the Midwife (AD) 10.00 The Bill
12.00 Catherine Cookson’s The Moth 3.00pm
Call the Midwife 5.40 Rock & Chips. Del finds
himself engaged to two girlfriends at once
7.00 One Foot in the Grave. Victor’s hatred of
bureaucrats finds another victim — a health and
safety inspector who checks out his compost
heap. Eric Idle guest stars
8.00 Death in Paradise. A politician commits
suicide after his affair is exposed — but
Humphrey suspects he was killed, and the
ensuing investigation brings Camille face to face
with a blast from the past (5/8) (AD)
9.20 Death in Paradise. Tragedy strikes in the
jungle when a birdwatcher is stabbed to death
with his own knife, a case that holds a certain
fascination for Humphrey, who was a keen
twitcher in his youth (6/8) (AD)
10.40 New Tricks. Sasha is forced to work with
her ex-husband when their teams investigate
the mysterious deaths of a film critic and an
artist. Guest starring Barnaby Kay (5/10) (AD)
12.00 Taggart 1.45am The Mystery of Men
3.30 Garden Hopping 4.00 Home Shopping
6.00am Frozen Planet (AD) 7.15 Great Barrier
Reef with David Attenborough 8.00 The Blue
Planet (AD) 9.00 Planet Earth (AD) 11.00 Great
Barrier Reef with David Attenborough 12.00
Frozen Planet (AD) 1.00pm The Blue Planet
(AD) 2.00 Planet Earth (AD) 4.00 Great Barrier
Reef with David Attenborough 5.00 Frozen
Planet. Summer in the polar regions (AD)
6.00 The Blue Planet. David Attenborough
describes marine life at the poles (AD)
7.00 Planet Earth. David Attenborough focuses
on animals living in deserts, from guanacos in
the dry Atacama in Chile to the wild camels
eating snow in the Mongolian Gobi (AD)
8.00 Planet Earth. Polar wildlife (AD)
9.00 Jim Clark: The Quiet Champion. Profile of
the two-time Formula One champion (AD)
10.00 Graham Hill: Driven. The career of the
motor racing star (AD)
11.00 Jackie Stewart: The Flying Scot. Portrait
of the former racing driver, winner of three
Formula One World Championships (AD)
1.00am Murder Maps 2.00 Dickinson’s Real
Deal 3.00 Home Shopping
UTV
As ITV except: 12.45am Teleshopping
1.45-3.00 ITV Nightscreen
BBC Alba
5.00pm FILM: Treud na Dluth-choille — Air ais
chun na Lic-eighe (The Jungle Bunch: Back to
the Ice Floe) (2011) A penguin heads on a
rescue mission to the South Pole 6.00 Dè
a-nis? (What Now?) 7.00 An Là (News) 7.05
Oir a’ Chuain Shiair (Facing the Atlantic).
Western Europe’s most remote locations. Last
in the series (r) 7.55 Binneas: Hogmanay. Blue
Rose Code perform Grateful at the Hogmanay
Show 2016 8.00 Reiteach. The story of two
island weddings held 50 years apart, with a
grandmother watching film of her nuptials for
the first time (r) 8.30 Mod nan Coisirean 2017.
Some of the successful choirs from the Royal
National Mod held in Lochaber for the eighth
time. The choral competitions were keenly
contested with a high standard for each prize
10.00 DIY le Donnie: An Dùbhlan. The team
strive to open the newly renovated Retirement
Centre in time. Last in the series (r)
11.00-12.00 Lorient is Alba: Hebcelt. Marking
the Year of Scotland at the 47th Interceltique
Festival of Lorient in August (r)
S4C
6.00am Cyw: Do Re Mi Dona (r) 6.15 Abadas
(r) 6.30 Halibalw (r) 6.40 Sam Tân (r) 6.50
Bing (r) 7.00 Meic y Marchog (r) 7.15 Tipini
7.30 Boj (r) 7.45 Y Crads Bach (r) 7.50 Igam
Ogam (r) 8.00 Octonots (r) 8.25 Byd Begw
Bwt (r) 8.35 Y Dywysoges Fach (r) 8.50 Tili a’i
Ffrindiau (r) 9.00 Ble Mae Cyw? (r) 9.45 Pingu
(r) 9.50 Bobi Jac (r) 10.00 Do Re Mi Dona (r)
10.15 Abadas (r) 10.30 Halibalw (r) 10.40
Sam Tân (r) 10.50 Bing (r) 11.00 Meic y
Marchog (r) 11.15 Tipini (r) 11.30 Boj (r)
11.45 Y Crads Bach (r) 11.50 Igam Ogam (r)
12.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd 12.05pm Perthyn
(r) (AD) 12.30 Noson Lawen (r) 1.30 3 Lle:
Dafydd Iwan (r) (AD) 2.00 Hwyl ’Steddfod y
Ffermwyr Ifranc (r) 3.00 Taith Bryn Terfel:
Gwlad y Gân (r) 4.00 Awr Fawr 5.00 Stwnsh:
Fideo Fi Nadolig 5.05 Stwnsh: Chwarter Call
5.20 Stwnsh: Kung Fu Panda (r) 5.45 Stwnsh:
Dim Byd 6.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd 6.05 Y
Salon (r) 6.30 Syr Gareth Edwards yn 70. A
profile of the former rugby union star (r) 7.30
Rownd a Rownd. Tom’s birthday party is ruined
by a thief (AD) 8.00 Pobol y Cwm. Vicky raises
the alarm after finding a fire (AD) 8.25
Celwydd Noeth. Lisa Angharad, Linda Griffiths,
Gwion Tegid, Ceri Lloyd, Julian Lewis Jones and
Ryland Teifi compete to raise money for their
chosen charities 9.30 Stand Yp: Elis James.
Stand-up performance by the Carmarthenshire
comedian Elis James 10.30 Hansh. Tunes,
comedy and fresh faces 11.00-12.05am O’r
Diwedd 2017: Am Flwyddyn! Tudur Owen and
Sian Harries take a satirical look at 2017 (r)
10
Thursday December 28 2017 | the times
1G T
MindGames
times2 Crossword No 7534
1
2
3
4
Codeword No 3218
5
8
6
7
9
20
3
18
24
15
10
11
14
9
13
13
17
25
6
12
17
14
18
11
24
Train Tracks No 292
7
14
3
9
1
12
22
21
8
9
15
12
15
24
1
14
17
24
12
23
17
12
1
14
23
21
3
7
6
2
3
4
15
2
26
4
4
15
1
15
23
6
23
21
15
23
8
15
22
15
15
6
2
6
A
16
1
B
14
15
3
9
17
23
5
23
18
10
21
15
15
15
5
A
K
13
3
7
19
21
21
3
12
12
6
23
21
18
24
3
26
7
14
5
5
1
22
16
15
23
17
23
13
13
24
24
3
3
26
17
19
18
B
24
6
12
24
18
17
6
22
19
23
17
Lay tracks to enable the train to travel from village A to
village B. The numbers indicate how many sections of rail
go in each row and column. There are only straight rails
and curved rails. The track cannot cross itself.
25
12
4 Untruth (3)
8 Cocktail (7)
9 Structure supporting a roof
(5)
10 Indian garment (5)
11 Virtuoso solo passage (7)
12 Unfairly uses (8)
14 Planet's centre (4)
Solution to Crossword 7533
V E
X
EC
E
CR
P
S T
DE
L
D I
T
CE
TOE S D
B E E
HO C I N
E R
E SCEN T
T
A
RA T A S
P R T
MO Y I E
S
L
A T R I B E
L
V S
L ERY S
E P I C T
L
R
N AMON
C S
E A S Y
B
MOGGY
I
L D I NG
R S
A N EW
M N
HAGGY
15 Unwanted emails (4)
16 Brings to life (8)
20 White-faced clown (7)
21 Measuring device (5)
23 Decisively defeats (5)
24 Diabetes hormone (7)
25 Males (3)
18
13
12
24
2
5
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1
2
3
4
5
14
15
16
17
18
6
7
8
19
20
21
9
10
11
12
13
22
23
24
25
26
B
K
A
Down
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
13
15
17
18
19
22
26
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Across
Blur, smear (6)
Group of three (4)
Martial art (6)
European country (13)
Musical study (5)
Traitor, defector (8)
Get away (6)
Calm (8)
Magnificent (6)
Yellow-flowered acacia (6)
Grew smaller (6)
Light-bending glass (5)
Bathroom powder (4)
Fill the grid so
that every
column, every
row and every
3x2 box contains
the digits 1 to 6
Cluelines Stuck on Codeword? To receive 4 random clues call 0901 322 5000 or text
TIMECODE to 84901. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network access
charge. Texts cost £1 plus your standard network charge. For the full solution call
0907 181 1055. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s network access
charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5.30pm).
6Winners will
receive a Collins
English Dictionary
& Thesaurus
Lexica
J
Solve the puzzle
and text in the
numbers in the
three shaded
boxes. Text
TIMES followed
by a space, then your three
numbers, eg, TIMES 123, plus your
name, address and postcode to
84901 (UK only), by midnight.
Or enter by phone. Call 09012
925274 (ROI 1516 303 501)
by midnight. Leave your three
answer numbers (in any order)
and your contact details.
No 4068
M
A
C
R
E
Need help with today’s puzzle? Call 0906 757 7188 to check the
answers. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
network access charge.
SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
Win a Dictionary & Thesaurus
Numbers are substituted for letters in the crossword grid. Below the grid is the
key. Some letters are solved. When you have completed your first word or
phrase you will have the clues to more letters. Enter them in the key grid and
the main grid and check the letters on the alphabet list as you complete them.
Yesterday’s solution, right
No 4067
D
O
O
H
O
D
S
O
A
B
G
L
O
W
E
K
K
Y
O
I
N
T
A
W
A
I
H
T
E
C
R
F
A
S
K
E
Slide the letters either horizontally or vertically back into the grid to produce a
completed crossword. Letters are allowed to slide over other letters
KenKen Difficult No 4210
Futoshiki No 3074
<
What are your favourite
puzzles in MindGames?
Email: puzzles@thetimes.co.uk
Calls cost £1.00 (ROI €1.50) plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. Texts cost £1 plus your standard network charge.
Winners will be picked at random from all correct answers received.
One draw per week. Lines close at midnight tonight.
If you call or text after this time you will not be entered but will still be
charged. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5.30pm).
Kakuro No 2033
31
∧
∨
29
19
6
16
31
17
16
23
23
6
38
16
18
12
38
© 2010 KENKEN PUZZLE & TM NEXTOY. DIST. BY UFS, INC. WWW.KENKEN.COM
4
All the digits 1 to 6 must appear in every row and column. In
each thick-line “block”, the target number in the top lefthand corner is calculated from the digits in all the cells in the
block, using the operation indicated by the symbol.
∨
>
∨
∨
31
13
19
4
3
14
6
19
4
∨
2
<
Fill the blank squares so that each row and column contains
all the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Use the given numbers and
the symbols that tell you if a number in the square is larger
(>) or smaller (<) than the number next to it.
16
38
28
30
13
20
4
7
16
24
13
19
14
16
33
16
39
12
Fill the grid so that
each block adds up
to the total of the
block above or to
the left. You can
only use digits 1-9
and you must not
use the digit twice
in one block. The
same digit may
occur more than
once in a row or
column, but must
be in a separate
block.
23
17
4
© PUZZLER MEDIA
20
the times | Thursday December 28 2017
11
1G T
MindGames
White: Howard Staunton
Black: Bernhard Horwitz
London 1851
Dutch Defence
1 c4 e6 2 Nc3 f5 3 g3 Nf6 4 Bg2
c6 5 d3 Na6 6 a3 Be7 7 e3 0-0 8
Nge2 Nc7 9 0-0 d5 10 b3 Qe8 11
Bb2 Qf7 12 Rc1 Bd7 13 e4
This thrust, all the stronger for
being delayed, announces that
White has won the opening battle.
13 ... fxe4 14 dxe4 Rad8 15 e5
Nfe8 16 f4 dxc4 17 bxc4 Bc5+ 18
Kh1 Be3 19 Rb1 g6
An unnecessary weakening of
the f6-square from which Staunton profits in dramatic fashion.
20 Qb3 Bc8 21 Ne4 Bb6 22 Rbd1
Stronger would have been 22
c5 Ba5 23 Nd6.
22 ... Na6 23 Qc3 Rxd1 24 Rxd1
Nc5 25 Nd6 Qc7 26 Qc2 Ng7 27 g4
The prelude to the attack, in
which Staunton’s pieces stream
across the board to menace the
black king.
27 ... Qe7 28 Bd4 Qc7 29 a4 Na6
30 c5 Ba5 31 Qb3 b6 32 Ne4 bxc5
________
á DbD 4kD]
à0 D DqDp]
ßnDpDp)pD]
Þg 0 G D ]
ÝPD DB)PD]
ÜD D D DQ]
Û D DND )]
ÚD DRD DK]
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ
39 Ng1!
A profound retreat that has the
effect of substantially increasing
the energy of the white knight.
This piece is now free to manoeuvre via f3 to e5 or g5.
39 ... Bd8
Better chances of survival were
offered by 39 ... Rd8.
40 g5 Bb7 41 Nf3 Re8 42 Bd6
This puts the finishing touches
to Staunton’s encirclement of the
entire black army.
42 ... Bxf6 43 gxf6 Qxf6 44 Ng5
Qg7 45 Be5 Qe7 46 Bxg6 Black
resigns
Black is hopelessly behind on
material and White’s attack continues unabated.
________
á D D D D] Winning Move
àD 0 DQ0k]
ß 0 D D 0] Black to play. This position is a variation
Anand-So, London 2017.
Þ0 D D D ] from
Ex-world champion Vishy Anand had a
ÝPDND h D] miserable time in London, compounded by
ÜDPD D DP] this last-round defeat. How did Black plan
Û DqD )PD] to generate a winning attack here?
ÚD D D I ] For up-to-the-minute information, follow
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ my tweets on twitter.com/times_chess.
Bridge Andrew Robson
To an expert bridge player, “trans- Dealer: North, Vulnerability: Neither
ferring the menace” does not refer
Advanced
♠Q 8 7 6
to releasing a disruptive influence Teams
♥AQ 10 4
to another football club. Look at
♦
AQ 9 6
this position with diamonds
♣2
trumps and the lead in dummy.
♠ 10 9 5 4 N
♠Dummy
♥7 5
♥J 9 3 2
W E
♠ AJ
♦J 10 8
♦K 7 5 4 3
S
♣AQ 6 4 ♠ A K J 3 2 ♣10 7 5 3
West
♥KJ
East
♠ KQ --♠ 32
♥K 8 6
♥Q5 Declarer ♥A6
♦2
♠ 32
♣K J 9 8
♥S
W
N
E
♦32
1♥
Pass
To make all the last four tricks,
1♠
Pass
3♠
Pass
declarer must lead the king of
4NT(1) Pass
5♠ (2) pass
hearts from dummy. East has to
6♠
End
cover with the ace (or declarer
throws a losing spade). Declarer (1) Roman Key Card Blackwood.
ruffs and leads his last diamond. (2) Two of “five aces” (incl ♠ K); plus ♠ Q.
That king of hearts lead transContract: 6♠ , Opening Lead: ♦J
ferred the menace (or guard), so
West guards hearts (with his
You lead a second spade to the
queen). Because he also guards ace (East throwing another diaspades, he is squeezed on declarer’s mond) and now comes the key
last diamond.
moment. Guessing East for the
Let’s move to the Sussex League heart guard given West’s heart lead
and a fascinating slam showed to and placing the ace of clubs with
me by David Telfer of Chichester. West for East’s smooth low club at
As declarer, you wisely rise with trick two, you advance the king of
the ace of diamonds on West’s jack clubs (key play). West covers with
of diamonds lead and at trick two, the ace and you ruff.
lead dummy’s singleton club. East
At trick eight, you ruff a second
plays low smoothly so, guessing diamond. You then cash the kingWest for the ace (East may have jack of spades, discarding dummy’s
risen with the ace or at least diamonds. On the last spade, East
flinched), you try the jack.
is squeezed between ♥ J32 and
West wins the queen of clubs ♣10. Throw a heart and dummy’s
and switches to a heart (lead a sec- ♥AQ10 win the last three tricks.
ond diamond and you’ll insert Let go of the ten of clubs and
dummy’s nine). You beat East’s declarer’s nine is promoted.
nine of hearts with the king and
Slam made — but only because
ruff a club. You now lead the queen of that king of clubs play at trick
of spades and are mildly perturbed seven, transferring the menace.
andrew.robson@thetimes.co.uk
when East discards (a diamond).
EASY
61 x 2
–6
MEDIUM
128 + 24
+ 1/2
HARDER
OF IT
1/2
OF IT
– 13
7/9
OF IT
x3
x 3 + 74 + 1/2 – 115
OF IT
265 + 876 x 3 + 417
80%
OF IT
–9
÷ 2 – 15
1/2
OF IT
1
+ 87 +OF/IT2
– 888 + 1/2 + 774 x 2
OF IT
90%
OF IT
2
2
Polygon
Killer Gentle No 5790
23
10
20
5min
5
13
12
8
14
14
6
16
4
17
12
9
3
16
8
11
10
20
14
17
17
9
4
9
7
12
4
15
10
12
Killer Tough No 5791
19
11
27min
21
12
13
18
22
11
5
22
11
20
17
24
19
25
+
3
x
9
+
+
+
=
3
=
8
=
19
used in this
grid, but only
once. Can you
work out their
= 36 positions in the
grid so that
each of the six
different sums
We’ve
= 18 works?
put 2 numbers
in to help you.
Do the sums
left to right and
top to bottom
Codeword 3217
1 8 6 5
2 9 8 7 6
4 7 9
2 1
6 7 2
7 9
8 9
6 8 9 7
4
6 8 9 7 3
6 4 9 1
8 9 7 5
5
6 8 5
5
4
9
7
2
1
8
2
9
1
5
3
7
4
6
4
7
6
8
9
2
1
5
3
3
1
5
6
4
7
8
2
9
9
6
4
2
1
8
5
3
7
2
5
3
6
9
4
7
1
8
1
6
4
7
5
8
9
3
2
8
7
9
3
1
2
5
6
4
4
3
1
9
8
7
2
5
6
5
7
6
8
9
4
1 3
2 1
1
5
3
7
6
9
2
8
4
6
9
8
5
7
4
3
1
2
2
3
7
9
8
1
4
6
5
5
4
1
3
2
6
9
7
8
7
8
5
4
2
6
3
9
1
9
2
6
5
3
1
8
4
7
5
4
2
1
7
3
6
8
9
3
1
8
2
6
9
4
7
5
6
9
7
8
4
5
1
2
3
4
9
1
2
5
7
3
6
8
6
2
3
9
4
8
1
5
7
8
5
7
1
6
3
2
4
9
2
2
24
6
RA
P
A P
L
E
1
7
5
8
3
2
4
9
6
3
1
4
9
6
7
5
8
2
7
6
5
2
8
4
9
1
3
9
2
8
1
5
3
7
6
4
4
4
6
4
1
8
3
9
2
7
5
9
6
4
7
1
5
8
3
2
7
4
2
5
8
9
6
1
3
5
1
9
3
2
6
7
8
4
3
8
6
4
7
1
9
2
5
8
5
3
6
7
2
1
4
9
2
7
9
5
4
1
8
3
6
1
8
6
4
9
5
3
2
7
4
9
7
3
2
8
6
5
1
5
3
2
7
1
6
4
9
8
2
1 < 3
3
2
4
2
2 2
x
x
7
2
x
6
4
∧
5
3
1
∧
5 > 2
3
5
6
3
2
3
A
6
3
3
6
1
B
Suko 2119
9
3
5
2
8
6
7
1
4
8
2
7
1
4
9
5
6
3
4
6
1
3
5
7
9
2
8
5
2
4
S
U
A
6
7
4
5
1
3
2
8
9
1
5
2
8
9
4
6
3
7
3
8
9
6
7
2
1
4
5
5
1
6
9
3
8
4
7
2
7
9
3
4
2
1
8
5
6
2
4
8
7
6
5
3
9
1
T
P
E
R
B
K
E
O
R
A
Y
C
S
H
F
A
N
V
L
I
D
R
3
A
4
W
3
÷
÷
1
+
-
8
Quiz 1 The widow of a king 2 Pullet 3 The Good
Place 4 Ludwig van Beethoven 5 The Millionairess
6 Sophia Loren 7 The Luck of Barry Lyndon
8 Regius professor of medicine 9 Claire Foy
10 Winston Churchill 11 Geox 12 Entebbe, Uganda
13 Prestel 14 Ice hockey 15 McMurdo Station
E
R
2
-
V
E
1
+
+
4
3
5
4
+
+
1
Lexica 4066
Set Square 2035
9
4
Lexica 4065
Futoshiki 3073
5
1
F F L E
L
M
L UMB
R
S S A Y
T
O
T A L
B
T
Z I L Y
L
R
R I KA
S
N
X E R T
Sudoku 9553
2
3
8
6
9
4
5
7
1
Killer 5789
3
1
∨
<
2
4
∨
1
5
7
RU
M
P
T
E
E
E N
Sudoku 9552
7
8
2
4
3
5
6
9
1
4
∧
5
10 4
Train Tracks 291
P AC E D
T
L
E
I
H
ARRANGE
Q
T
G
UN I F ORM
E
T
I
J UDGEM
W D
R
I
OP E RA
C
R
V
KHAK I
P
E
S
T
I
R E S T Y L E
6 8
8 9
4 9 7
7 2 8 9
9 1 6 8
12
As with standard Sudoku, fill the grid so that every
column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the
digits 1 to 9. Each set of cells joined by dotted lines
must add up to the target number in its top-left corner.
Within each set of cells joined by dotted lines, a digit
cannot be repeated.
+
÷
Kakuro 2032
KenKen 4209
8
All the digits
= 1 from 1-9 are
Solutions
10
21
4
Divide the grid
into blocks.
Each block
must be square
or rectangular
and must
contain the
number of
cells indicated
by the number
inside it.
Please note, BODMAS does not apply
Cell Blocks 3100
8
5 2
÷
-
17
10
4
6
+
Killer 5788
14
2
x
Sudoku 9551
6
12
+
Yesterday’s answers
ness, nose, nous, nurse, onus, ours,
rose, rouse, ruse, sensor, serous, sess,
snore, sone, sore, sorus, sour,
sourness, souse, suer, sure, suss, user
10
5
Set Square No 2036
From these letters, make words of
four or more letters, always including
the central letter. Answers must be in
the Concise Oxford Dictionary,
excluding capitalised words, plurals,
conjugated verbs (past tense etc),
adverbs ending in LY, comparatives
and superlatives.
How you rate 12 words, average;
16, good; 22, very good; 28, excellent
8
3
3
3
© PUZZLER MEDIA
In today’s game from my series
on great chess events in London, I
focus on a magnificent strategic
achievement by England’s leading
representative and also the 1851
tournament organiser, Howard
Staunton. This game was decades
ahead of its time, as double fianchetto openings became popular
only 70 years later. The inaugural
international chess tournament
was won by Adolf Anderssen,
who thus earned the right to be
recognised as the world’s strongest player.
If instead 32 ... Nxc5 33 Bxc5
bxc5 34 Nf6+ Kh8 35 Qh3 Ne8 36
Rd7! winning the black queen as
36 ... Bxd7 allows 37 Qxh7 mate.
33 Nf6+ Kh8 34 Qh3 Ne8 35 Ba1
Nxf6
This leaves Black with too many
problems along the a1-h8 diagonal. 35 ... Qf7 was preferable.
36 exf6 Kg8 37 Be5 Qb7 38 Be4
Qf7
If Black can blockade White’s
passed pawn he may survive but
Staunton’s next brilliant stroke
banishes such hopes.
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Strategic masterpiece
Cell Blocks No 3101
Brain Trainer
ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER
Chess Raymond Keene
U
G
O
R
E
D
O
E
Z
M
Y
Word watch
Flitcher (c) A light flake
of snow (Scots)
Crampon (b) A spike
added to boot to grip in
the snow or ice
Cog (a) A wedge or
accumulation of snow on
boot soles
Brain Trainer
Easy 33; Medium 897;
Harder 7,290
Chess 1 ... Qb1+! 2 Kh2
Ne2 leaves White with no
defence, e.g. 3 h4 Qg1+
4 Kh3 Qh1+ 5 Kg4 Qxg2+
with carnage. 1 ... Ne2+
2 Kh2 Qb1, switching the
moves, also works
28.12.17
MindGames
Mild No 9554
Fill the grid so that
every column, every
row and every 3x3
box contains the
digits 1 to 9.
Fiendish No 9555
6
4
1
2
Flitcher
a To be restless
b Out of shape
c A snowflake
Crampon
a An accessory
b A boot spike
c Feeling tense
6
4 7
8 4 9
2
8
3
9
8
For interactive
Sudoku puzzles, visit
thetimes.co.uk/puzzles
Answers on page 15
3
7
7 4
Cog
a An accumulation
b An argument
c To complain
Super fiendish No 9556
5
3 9 4
8
4 9 2
3 6
5
4
Word watch
by Josephine
Balmer
3 5
PUZZLER MEDIA
Sudoku
4 5 1
5
7 2
4 1
6
3
8 6
9 7
7 8 6
1 8 5
9
6
by Olav Bjortomt Times MindGames books
GETTY IMAGES
11 In 1995, Mario
Polegato founded which
Italian shoemaker?
2 Which term
describes a female
chicken that is under
one year old?
12 Where were the
plane hijackers Brigitte
Kuhlmann and
Wilfried Böse killed
on July 4, 1976?
15
6 Which Italian
actress recorded
the comedy song
Goodness Gracious Me
with Peter Sellers?
7 Redmond Barry
is the Irish title
protagonist of which
William Makepeace
Thackeray novel?
5 Which 1936 George
Bernard Shaw play
is about the spoilt
heiress Epifania?
8 Sir Farquhar
Buzzard held which
professorship at
Oxford University
from 1928 to 1943?
13 Commercially
launched in 1979, what
was the brand name
of the Post Office’s
Viewdata technology?
9 Which English
star of The Crown
married the actor
Stephen Campbell
Moore in 2014?
14 Which sport is played
by Cardiff Devils,
Edinburgh Capitals and
Manchester Storm?
10 Who was prime
minister at the time
of the Great Smog of
London in 1952?
15 Which US Antarctic
research centre on
Ross Island is pictured?
Answers on page 11
The Times MindGames: Word
Puzzles & Conundrums and
Number & Logic Puzzles are
out now. To order copies visit
timesbooks.co.uk or call
0844 576 8120. Also available
from all good bookshops.
Yesterday’s P L A C I D D E
Quick
O O
I
E
Cryptic
H I T T H E J A C
R
T
N
solution
B E T A
CH E E
No 992
S C
H
F A
P
S T
E
CR
2
3
4
8
5
9
6
7
10
12
14
15
16
17
19
18
20
21
Selling euros
and buying
pounds?
Trust us to take care of
your transfer.
by Tracy
11
13
P U T E
O R
K PO T
E
U
R I NG
G O R
C
R E AM
I ND E E D
B
E
E
T H E A D S
COS H
A
T
O
T
A ND I NGORD E R
O
V
E
U
I
U I S E
L AME N T
CURRENCY SERVICES
Follow The Times Crossword
Editor @timescrosswords
The Times Quick Cryptic No 993
1
4 7
8
3 9
8
1 9 4
8
9
6 5 2
3
2 4
2
6 1
1
5
to receive four clues for any of today’s puzzles. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
1 The title “dowager
queen” is generally
held by who?
4 Wellington’s Victory
or the Battle of
Vitoria is a 15-minute
work by which
German composer?
2
Cluelines Stuck on Sudoku, Killer or KenKen? Call 0901 322 5005 before midnight
The Times Daily Quiz
3 Which US TV comedy
stars Kristen Bell as
Eleanor Shellstrop, a
woman who wakes up
in the afterlife?
8
Across
1 Somehow got bag on sledge (8)
5 Notice small vessel (4)
8 I turn to follow a male friend
(5)
9 Couple in book holding pig
back (7)
11 Visit kennels in decline?
(2,2,3,4)
13 Pass by one rig at sea (6)
14 Rush job (6)
16 Curt treatment of Republican
wearing mini dress (5,6)
18 Free lager distributed after a
time (2,5)
19 Approaches some within
earshot (5)
20 Some time in confused state,
reportedly (4)
21 Hero-worshipping adroitly
revised (8)
Down
1 Bunker perhaps where some
turned up (4)
2 Introduce British group and
popular first song (5,4,4)
3
4
6
7
10
12
15
17
Author, autobiographical at
heart, penning worthiest novel
(11)
Wily like ancient king, leader
in Egypt (6)
What the father of the bride
may do, slamming poor OAP’s
taste (7,1,5)
Prize certain to be given after
short walk (8)
Working out initially sensible
following PE (11)
Settled under tree to get
medical attention (5,3)
Canny, mean-spirited woman
and daughter (6)
Game is extremely pricey (1-3)
No transfer fees*
Lock in a rate for
the future
0207 294 7971
timescurrencyservices.co.uk
International money transfer from
The Times and The Sunday Times
*for private clients
Документ
Категория
Журналы и газеты
Просмотров
10
Размер файла
3 739 Кб
Теги
The Times, journal
1/--страниц
Пожаловаться на содержимое документа