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The Guardian G2 - May 14, 2018

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Look busy!
Monday 14/05/18
All the single ladies
In praise of a happy tribe
page 3
Cruising for a boozing
Millennials take
to the water
page 4
Mod for it
John Simons:
king of cool
page 10
The alarming rise of
workplace surveillance
•
Pass notes
№ 3,807
Shortcuts
Can a baby
‘consent’ to a
nappy change?
Klout
Age: 10.
Appearance: Kaput.
I heard three nimrods talking about their
Klout scores in a bar recently. Does that have
anything to do with this? Indeed it does.
In fact, Klout was pretty much the “three
nimrods sitting in a bar” of social media.
I thought that was Twitter. No, that is 10
nimrods arguing outside the bar. For clarity,
let’s say that Instagram is one person kissing
themself in a bar mirror and LinkedIn is a
businessman touching himself in a pub toilet.
Gotcha. Anyway, Klout was a slightly different
social media tool, in that it analysed your
Twitter and Facebook accounts for followers,
retweets, shares and mentions and then
awarded you a “Klout score” – a number
between one and 100 – that reflected how
influential you were.
OK, great. I have one question. Would that
question be, by any chance: “Why?”
It would! Well, that is harder to say. It may
be because, in this hard-thrusting digital age,
a good Klout score could give you the edge in
the recruitment field. Or it may be because
people are very needy. Either way, it doesn’t
matter. Klout is closing shop.
Oh no! Why? The long answer is that it was
acquired by a company called Lithium
Technologies, which plans to harvest the tool’s
artificial intelligence and machine-learning
capabilities for use in its other products.
Also, it may have something to do with the
implementation of GDPR.
Is there a short answer? Sure: because it
was stupid. Klout took the entire spectrum of
human interaction and condensed it to a twodigit number that you could use to bludgeon
anyone who failed to adhere to its scoring
algorithm. It was tacky and basic and cheap.
Did you have a Klout score? I did.
What was it? A measly 62, even though it said
I was an expert in subjects such as journalism,
publishing and – oh – Made in Chelsea.
What does it mean now that Klout has died?
It means we have entered a more sophisticated
age of interaction. We have come to realise that
the infinite richness of the human condition
does not easily lend itself to the kind of cold,
hard, robotic quantification that Klout offered.
Really? Well, it also means that Lithium
Technologies is planning to bring out “a new
social-impact scoring methodology based on
Twitter” very shortly.
Do say: “Klout is klosed.”
Don’t say: “No wonder you are happy. You are
such a 46.”
2
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
How adland took a mallet to English
It’s taken a millennium and a half for
English to develop into a language as
rich and complex as a character from
your favourite multi-part Netflix
drama series – and just a few years
for the advertising industry to batter
it into submission like a stained
piñata at a child’s party.
Baffling slogans have become
the new norm in adland. Perhaps
Apple laid the foundations in 1997
with its famous Think Different
campaign, but things have since
gone up a notch: in 2010, Diesel
blurted out perplexing offerings
such as “Smart had one good idea
and that idea was stupid”. Then
came Zoopla with its “Smart knows”
campaign. Now we’re informed by
Ireland’s flag carrier that “Smart
flies Aer Lingus”. Who are these
people called Smart and how can
we avoid sitting next to them on
our next flight?
Today’s language-mangling
ad campaigns run the greasy
gamut from the somewhat
confusing “Live your unexpected
Luxembourg” to the headscratching “Start your impossible”.
“In adland, we don’t call it
language-mangling, we call it
‘Language DJing’ or ‘langling’,”
jokes Alex Myers, founder of
agency Manifest. “In reality it’s
just lazy. Copywriting is a lost art. Ad
agencies need to ‘Think more good’.”
Eagle-eyed bad-ad fans can
quickly notice patterns emerging:
“finding” something and it being
“amazing” appear with the same
clockwork regularity as Love Island
contestants on Instagram. See, for
instance, Rightmove’s “Find your
happy” and Visit Wales’ “Find
your epic”. Or Lexus’s “Experience
amazing” and Deliveroo’s “Eat
more amazing”.
Clearly these odd turns of
phrase are partially derived
from the language of social
media, while pandering to
the notion of being easily
turned into hashtags. But
wouldn’t your English
teacher have thrown a copy
of Mansfield Park at you
if you showed this much
disdain for adjective and
noun deployment?
When you see half-baked slogans
– such as Hitachi’s “Inspire the next”
– taking a mallet to the accepted
rules of English, it can seem as if
adland has taken a lesson from
George’s Marvellous Medicine,
and boiled a random concoction of
leftover words and ideas together in
a pot. Experience gibberish.
Christopher Beanland
Deanne Carson has pink hair and is
a sexuality expert – which sounds
like a title you would only ever
apply to yourself. She’s in the news
because last week she told ABC
News in Australia that, in order to
establish a “culture of consent” in a
household, you should ask your baby
for permission before you change its
nappy. The language doesn’t have to
be complicated: “I’m going to change
your nappy now, is that OK?” will do
fine. This, said Twitter and assorted
moral-majority response units, is
the endpoint of political correctness
gone mad – the giddy limit of liberal
bullshit, an abnegation of parental
authority amounting to neglect.
I disagree with Carson, too, but not
for those reasons. Babies are good at
signalling their lack of consent; the
only problem is that you never know
to what they’re not consenting.
It might be the violation of their
personal autonomy or it might be the
dappled shading of some leaves that
reminds them of the lost comfort of
the dark womb. But even if you knew
to what they weren’t consenting, you
would ignore them anyway, so what
you’re establishing is not a culture of
consent, but a culture of the language
of consent, masking a culture of
complete dominance. You are
gaslighting your baby, in other words.
It’s a classic of authoritarian
deceit, immortalised in Kazuo
Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go: to impart
information before its recipient is
old enough to understand it, thereby
heading off the questions they would
ask once they were old enough. In the
novel’s case, it’s that they have been
bred as an underclass to have their
organs harvested, whereas Carson’s
idea is about the principles of physical
intercourse, but the underpinning
manoeuvre is the same:
manipulating someone’s ignorance
in order to control them and their
worldview. It’s actually a bit sinister,
but then so much absolutism is.
Maternal love is inherently dicey
and knows no consent. It starts with
18 months cuddling someone fulltime when you know they can’t say
“no” and it takes another couple of
decades before you can process the
idea that they are not still a part of
your body. The least you can do, and
also the most liberal thing, is admit it.
Zoe Williams
•
Hannah Jane
Parkinson
Know your
worth: how to
go freelance
Say
what?
COVER ILLUSTRATION: NISHANT CHOKSI PHOTOGRAPHS: ALAMY
A 47-year-old
gardener is
thought to be
the first person
in Britain to
be charged
for using a
mobile phone
while driving
a lawn mower
on the road.
The man was
spotted on his
device outside
a police station
in Cardiff and
faces a £200 fine
and six penalty
points on his
licence. That’ll
mow you away.
As the academic year draws to an
end, research has shown that more
than half of UK students are turning
their backs on graduate jobs to go it
alone. A study by Solopress, revealed
56% of students are considering
setting up their own business and
only 33% are planning to apply to
graduate schemes. Here are some
tips for self-employment success ...
Make the most of networking
Get to those networking events and
talk, talk, talk. “There is value in
every conversation you have, you
never know where your next piece
of work may come from. Changing
the mindset to professionalism and
saying, ‘I am a graphic designer’
rather than ‘I am a graduate’
is very important,” says Lydia
Wakefield, of the Association of
Independent Professionals and
the Self-Employed.
Know your worth
It’s hard to persuade people to pay
for your work if you’re willing to
give it away. “Value your worth from
the beginning. A lot of people feel
the pressure to work for nothing or
charge a really low rate if they’ve
been studying. Clients are willing to
pay for the quality of the work that
you do,” says Wakefield.
Set up with the tools to get paid
Register for self-assessment and
file those tax returns. “Make
sure you have contracts and
invoice templates in place,” says
Wakefield. It doesn’t hurt to get
some advice from a professional,
says Jeff Skinner, of the Institute of
Innovation and Entrepreneurship at
the London Business School. “Find
an accountant or someone doing
something similar and ask them for
commercial advice,” he says.
Resilience
Wakefield highlights the importance
of having a thick skin. “If you get a
no, don’t take it to heart. Keep going,
you will find your next client,” she
says, “ask for feedback, you can
always use it for testimonial.” And,
remember that you’re not alone. “It
really is emotional highs and lows
for any entrepreneur in early stages.
But you’re in a network with other
people on the same journey as you,”
says Skinner.
Jessica Aszkenasy
Is sniping at single women just
the politics of envy?
Arctic Monkeys have
turned into the old
drunk in the corner
All the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies, now put
your hands up! Because you ruin everything and deserve to be called out.
Endlessly, and around the world. The latest example is Kanji Kato, a Japanese
MP who has called single women a “burden on the state”. Annoyingly,
there is a grain of truth in this, if the single women are childless, as ageing
populations put pressure on national health services, including our own NHS.
In the past, globally, when people tended to have more children, those
children cared for their parents and other
older relatives. But in many countries
that trend is declining, requiring medical
professionals, nurses and retirement homes
to bridge the care gap. But it never seems
to be the case that politicians pipe up about
single, childless men, who also grow old
and need care, and who, in their youth,
are deified as ambitious or approved of as
charming, roguish scamps. It’s women who,
in the words of another Japanese politician,
are the “birth-giving machines”, and any
who choose not to have children, or who
can’t, are deemed to be malfunctioning.
But hey, single women have become used
to this attitude, alongside the millennial
generation, who are also responsible for
everything bad or depressing. Single women are making everyone feel
awkward. Their need for babies is forcing the rest of us to pay for them with
our taxes and provide IVF on the NHS (a move that “casts doubt on the
government’s family-friendly credentials”, according to the Telegraph).
Apparently, single women are also responsible for men who go on murdering
sprees because they had the indecency to reject them.
It’s amazing that single women have the audacity to roam about in
daylight, as if they were, in fact, not single and therefore normal. A favourite
series of articles on this subject are titled along the lines of: Avoid the
Mistakes Single Women Make, which include (really) “being shortsighted
about life”, “falling down on the job of life” and “giving up and caving in” .
It’s not a new thing, viewing single women as freaks. Remember that
Bridget Jones (pictured) quote, when she is asked why so many women in
their 30s are single? “I don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t help that underneath
our clothes, our entire bodies are covered in scales.”
Single women deserve a break. Especially because it’s actually society that
is ruining everything for them. There is the extortionate cost of renting alone
or forking out double for solo holidays, then having to watch couples coo at
origami swan napkins while they demand you take their photo. There is trying
to pretend that other people’s babies don’t all look the same. Or, for single
women who have children, having to deal with society’s raised eyebrows.
A 2017 report found that single women were much happier than single
men, mostly because they are not tied down with the emotional and domestic
labour that comes with being a woman in a (heterosexual) relationship. It
probably also has something to do with the fact that nobody can veto your
Netflix choices, and not being dragged along to a partner’s work do. Could
these snide asides at single women just be the politics of envy?
It’s extraordinary, really, what has
happened to Arctic Monkeys. The
band made their name with their
authenticity, and now a song on their
new album, Tranquility Base Hotel
& Casino, has Alex Turner playing an
ageing rock star and singing “maybe
I was a little too wild in the 70s” –
despite being born in 1986.
Turner has told BBC’s Radio 1
that he feels embarrassed by his old
lyrics, even though their second
album beautifully summed up a
dying relationship as, “Several hours
or several weeks / I’d have the cheek
to say they’re equally as bleak”;
while the new record, five years in
the making, includes: “I can get you
on the list for all the clubs” and has
a song called The Ultracheese.
It’s not that Arctic Monkeys are
bad now – it’s just that they were
so much fun then. It was exciting,
for those of us who had the bootleg
recordings from live gigs, to see their
songs transform from the rough to
the recorded version (often with
name changes – When the Sun Goes
Down was first named Scummy).
It’s part of the joy of being a
music fan; watching acts evolve
and innovate. And though I’m sure
repeated listens of TBH&C may
unearth melodies, at the moment
it feels like the audio equivalent of
an enforced David Lynch marathon
and Turner’s piano practice. I mean,
Britney went from … Baby One More
Time and pronouncing the word
baby as “babe-un” and 12 years
later gave us Toxic. Kanye’s debut
single took a Chaka Khan vocal and
made her sound like a chipmunk,
but eventually gave us Power.
Some acts evolve, others change
their DNA. I’m mourning then, for a
band that represented all the joy of
that first Jägerbomb at a house party
and now sound like the drunk old
guy in the corner of a pub muttering
under his breath.
Giggling as they choke
To Carpinteria, a town 85 miles from Los Angeles, which has
begun to stink of weed more than a student with low-slung
pants and a This Guitar Kills Fascists sticker. Californians voted
in 2016 to legalise marijuana, which is great if you love a toke. But
it would be awful for people like me who gag on pretty much all of
London’s pot-filled streets – Carpinteria’s air essentially sounds
like one big plume of dope smoke. Still, the UN found that 44 UK
cities and towns are so polluted that they are dangerous to breathe
in, dope or no dope. At least in Carpinteria, they’re probably
giggling as they choke.
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
3
•
How cruises
got cool
They have always been associated with the grey pound, but
can cruise ships attract a millennial crowd with mixology
and music festivals? Gwilym Mumford reports
T
hink of cruise holidays
and a whole host
of images spring to
mind. Endless buffets.
Crushed velvet
upholstery. Sex on
the beach (the cocktail, obviously).
His and hers dressing gowns. Jane
McDonald. And, most of all, lots
and lots of older people, from wellheeled fiftysomethings to time-rich
retirees. Millennials? Not so much.
That may be changing, though.
Last July, the Cruise Lines
International Association revealed
that the average age of cruisegoers
had fallen to a sprightly 46, its
lowest figure in 20 years. (In the
UK, the number is a more mature
55.) While those figures may not
seem particularly dramatic, they
are nevertheless encouraging for an
industry that has been largely reliant
on the grey pound.
A number of cruise companies
are working hard to coax younger
holidaymakers on board. Last month
saw the maiden voyage of what is
being referred to as the first line
aimed squarely at millennials. U by
Uniworld, which offers river cruises
through various European cities,
including Amsterdam, Budapest
and Frankfurt, made headlines
when it announced that its ships
would only accept 21- to 45-yearolds. That upper age limit has
since been removed – Uniworld’s
CEO, Ellen Bettridge, suggests the
U line is instead for people with
an adventurous mindset – but the
appeal to youth remains.
4
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
On board U’s two vessels, you
will find silent discos and mixology
sessions, while the black-tie meals
associated with P&O et al have been
replaced by a more casual dining
experience featuring brunch and
small plates. It is practically Dalston
on the Danube.
Uniworld isn’t the only
established cruise brand chasing
younger customers. Next year, the
German firm Amadeus is launching
cruises along the Rhine, the
Danube and the Seine with onboard
“celebrity influencers”, who will
document the trip on social media.
The Regent Seas Explorer offers spin
classes and designer handbag stores,
while MSC’s Seaside class styles
itself in the manner of a Miami South
Beach condo, and has a teppanyaki
grill and the longest zipline of any
cruise ship on the planet. Then
there are the floating festivals
such as Anchored and Groove
Cruise, the latter boasting EDM
artists including Deadmau5 and
Benny Benassi.
Those festivals build on another
unlikely trend: the theme cruise. A
number of these cruises emerged
at the beginning of the decade,
featuring bands such as Paramore
and Weezer, comic book
conventions and, bizarrely, the cast
of the Saw horror films. Even festival
giant Coachella briefly got in on the
act, with a lineup that featured Pulp,
Hot Chip and LCD Soundsystem’s
James Murphy.
One lesson learned from these
theme events is that the cruising
itself isn’t necessarily the main draw.
“With something like Anchored,
people didn’t necessarily know they
were going on a cruise. This just
happened to be a floating festival
at sea,” explains Adam Coulter,
the managing editor of the website
Cruise Critic.
Uniworld has similarly tried
to play down the cruise bit of its
millennial-friendly cruises, with
Bettridge describing the U instead as
a “floating boutique hotel that you
can hop on and hop off ”. It offers
regular stop-offs at European cities,
with the boats sitting in dock until
The Groove
cruise, a floating
dance music
festival
the wee small hours for the benefit
of late-night revellers. The boats
are smaller, encouraging closer
contact between passengers. There
is also less of an emphasis on the
mass group activities – the “herding
around”, as Coulter puts it – of
traditional cruise lines. Instead,
holidaymakers are encouraged to
explore, with bicycle tours, trips
around food markets and visits to
breweries or the beach.
Twenty-seven-year-old Nina,
from Canada, was on U’s first cruise.
“I have done a lot of megaship
cruises and this river cruise
A pool party
on the
Anchored cruise
•
Reply all
From top: the
Weezer cruise;
the Groove
cruise; the
SS Coachella
Private lives
I broke up with my ex-girlfriend six months ago and
while I’m still sad about it and sometimes miss her,
it’s been a life-shattering event for her. She says she
still loves me and cries thinking about me most
days; we’ve also been through periods of not talking
and that doesn’t seem to help either. I want to move
on with my life, but whenever I meet other women I
feel despondent, almost as if I have no interest in
sex, yet when I’m alone I often feel lonely and horny.
People tell me to let her go, but I feel responsible for
her pain and it’s bringing me down.
Stop talking
You need to stop talking to her,
full stop. Possibly for ever. I don’t
understand why you’re still in
conversation with her and are
letting her pour her feelings out to
you, which is only making you feel
guilty (which, by the way, you don’t
have to, since breakups happen
every day for many reasons). You
need to cut contact on all forms of
communication so you can both
move on.
Cropolite
definitely has a different feel to it,”
she says. “There are fewer people
and you get to interact more. I am an
active person, so I particularly liked
how active the excursions were.
A lot of biking, for sure.
“The age group did play a factor
in our decision-making,” she adds,
noting that the average age of
passengers on her boat was “late
20s and early 30s”.
The new style of cruising could
compete with more traditional
package holidays for younger
customers, Coulter believes.
“You’ve got a ship that’s going to,
say, Mykonos, Kos or Santorini in
the middle of high season, when
you can’t get a hotel room for love
nor money.” A cruise ship, with
accommodation, food and even
some booze included in the price,
might start to look tempting.
But how tempting remains to be
seen. U’s cheapest holiday is £1,469
for eight days – less than many cruises,
but still a significant outlay for most
younger people. The scrapping of
the upper age limit suggests they are
not quite ready to throw themselves
at this form of package holiday.
Yet even if the millennial cruise
proves to be little more than a
Let her go
Right now you are still her main
support system, she feels that your
attention will be the only thing that
can make her feel better. Because,
for years, you were. But now you
need to step back and let her go.
Once you are able to move on, she
will find it much easier to let go.
Eventually, you may be able to reach
out and regain an amount of contact
that isn’t hurtful, but right now you
are just reopening wounds that have
only begun to heal. If you can’t let
her go for you, that’s fine. But you
need to let her go for her sake.
puppylove2
There are stop-offs
at European cities,
with the boats
sitting in dock until
the small hours for
late-night revellers
passing fad, it is having an effect on
the wider industry. Coulter notes
that some features – more time
in port, less emphasis on group
activities – are being adopted by the
bigger lines, which are also racing
to include eye-grabbing technology
such as indoor skydiving tunnels
and giant HD screens.
Perhaps most crucially of all,
internet access – formerly one of
the most retrograde aspects of the
cruise experience, slow and often
laughably expensive – has finally
sailed into the 21st century, with
affordable superfast wifi on many
lines. Perfect, Coulter notes, for
the “generation that wants to post
selfies and put stuff on Instagram.
They want their friends to know
they are on a cruise.”
You are not responsible
You haven’t actively meant to
hurt her, so you shouldn’t feel
responsible for her pain. The fact
you do means you are kind and
caring and obviously you can’t
switch off your feelings. But
ultimately, she is responsible for
her own feelings, and holding you
hostage for the way she feels is a bit
selfish, if understandable. She will
heal but she has to walk that path
alone – it is the only way forward.
Heisenchick
Maintaining contact is cruel
The main effect of continuing to
talk to her is that she will retain
a hope that you will decide you
made a mistake and return to her.
If you have no intention ever of
getting back together, then it is an
(unintentional) cruelty to act in a
way that she can and will interpret
as offering that hope. It’s also not
doing you any good. It looks as if
a total break in communication is
necessary, at least until she finds a
new boyfriend. In fact, I’d suggest
that if and when she does find a new
boyfriend, the very last thing she
will need is you poking your nose
back into her life again.
JonathanWest
Heartbreak sucks, be kind
I am reminded of myself from the
girl in this post – my reaction to the
confusing breakup of an intense and
very precious relationship. I reacted
in ways I am shocked and almost
ashamed of now. Indeed it felt “lifeshattering”, as you describe. The
point of this comment is to say: be
as kind as you can to her, because
she may have real psychological/
emotional problems. You sound
fairly young from your post, I’m
guessing you are in your 20s, so also
this may have been her first real
love. Heartbreak sucks for anyone,
maybe especially for people with
deep-rooted issues they have not yet
explored or even recognised.
jessicaaddison
Give her time and distance
I’ve seen a lot of people on here
saying things like “you’re not
responsible for her pain”, which
to my mind is the wrong way to
think about it. Obviously you
are – however innocently and
unintentionally – responsible
for causing her pain. That’s just
something you have to accept
when you break up with someone;
it is probably going to hurt them.
Your continued going back to her
is an attempt to assuage that guilt.
However, you are not responsible
for ensuring her happiness. You
have told her honestly how you feel
and ended the relationship, now
you have to follow through on your
decision. It’s laudable that you want
to help, but unfortunately you are
no longer able to do that for her. She
will get over you eventually, but it
will take time and distance. Those
are the only two things you can give
to her now.
Gr1ffe
Want to
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Or think you
have all the
answers? Email
private.lives@
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Private Lives,
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Next
time
I have become my fiance’s secret life
My fiance and I were together for four years, then
separated due to infidelity, commitment issues and
lack of communication. We started seeing each other
again six months ago and I feel as if our relationship is
mending. However, I recently had a conversation with
his mum, and it turned out none of his family knew we
were back together. She said he is living a double life,
one with me and one with his friends and family. Am I
crazy for carrying on a relationship with a man who is
hiding our relationship from everyone else in his life?
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
5
•
Health
Seven ways to
deal with hayfever
1
Monitor pollen forecasts. Try
to stay indoors as much as you
can on high-pollen days. In
particular, avoid outdoor activity
between 10am and 4pm, the peak
time for pollen dissemination.
The best time to be outside is after
rain, which helps to clear pollen
from the air. If you are outside on
high-pollen days, taking precautions such as putting petroleum
jelly around your nostrils to trap
pollen and wearing wraparound
sunglasses to stop it getting into
your eyes can help.
4
Take medication. Antihistamines are
the most common
hay fever medications. While they
are associated with
side-effects such as
drowsiness, modern
antihistamines such
as cetirizine, loratadine and fexofenadine are less likely
to make you sleepy.
You may need to try
several types to find
which works best
for you; consult a
pharmacist for
advice. If you see
that high pollen
counts are forecast,
start taking medication before your
symptoms begin.
2
Limit
mucuscongesting
foods. Dairy
products and
sugary foods
can exacerbate
common hay
fever symptoms
such as nasal
congestion,
because they
increase the
production of
mucus in the
respiratory tract.
Try alternatives
to dairy such
as almond milk
and rice milk
and try to
supplement
your diet with
foods that
have natural
antihistamine
properties such
as broccoli,
asparagus,
onions, garlic,
cherries,
pineapple and
kiwi fruit.
5
Take care with laundry and
gardening. Avoid hanging
laundry outside to dry, since
clothes can trap pollens. Gardening
chores such as mowing the lawn
and weeding can trigger hay fever
attacks, so consider wearing a filter
mask while doing such activities.
6
7
Herbal remedies such as nettle
tea, liquorice tea, and ginger
and honey may help relieve
symptoms, since they help to reduce
respiratory tract inflammation. The
tea should be steeped for at least
eight minutes to ensure the crucial
ingredients are concentrated.
Keep windows and doors
shut as much as possible
and consider buying a
dehumidifier to keep the air dry.
Portable high-efficiency particup
late air (HEPA) filters can help
keep your bedroom pollenfree, while many experts suggest using a vacuum cleaner
with an inbuilt HEPA filter. In
the car, try not to open windows
when the pollen count is high.
By David Cox
6
3
Wash regularly.
Wash your
hands often.
On high-pollen days,
make sure you
shower and wash
your hair when you
get home, since pollen
can collect on your
skin, hair and
clothes throughout
the day. Wash bed
sheets weekly in
hot water.
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
The painful
truth about
fibroids
A third of women have benign uterine tumours –
and they can weigh as much as a baby. So why, asks
Emine Saner, is this condition so often overlooked?
I
t was, said the singer FKA
twigs, “a fruit bowl of pain
every day”. She likened the
size of her fibroids – benign
tumours that had been
removed from her uterus in
December – to fruit: two cooking
apples, three kiwis and a couple of
strawberries. The nurse, she added,
“said that the weight and size was
like being six months pregnant”.
Her experience was “excruciating at
times”, the singer said, “and, to be
honest, I started to doubt if my
body would ever feel the same
again … I know that a lot of women
suffer from fibroid tumours and
I just wanted to say after my
experience that you are amazing
warriors and that you are not alone.”
She shared the post on Instagram
last week, and it was picked up by
news organisations around the
world – indicating how rare it is for
anyone to talk openly about fibroids,
even though it is a condition that
affects about a third of women at
some point in their life.
Fibroids are non-cancerous
growths of the uterine muscle that
develop in or around the uterus.
“It’s unusual for them to be painful,”
says Dr Virginia Beckett, a consultant
gynaecologist and spokesperson for
the Royal College of Obstetricians
and Gynaecologists. “Usually, they’re
very small and harmless. They can
occur either on the outside of the
womb, within the muscle wall of the
womb or pushing on to the inside of
the womb.” Many women will never
even know that they have them but,
for some, they can cause debilitating
pain, bleeding, heavy periods,
discomfort during sex and, in some
cases, fertility problems.
Their cause is unknown, but
thought to be linked to oestrogen
levels – women of childbearing age
are more likely to develop them
and they can shrink in women who
have been through the menopause.
African-Caribbean women are more
likely to suffer from larger fibroids
that cause symptoms. There is no
known way of cutting your risk,
says Beckett. “There are no dietary
methods or medications and
having your baby early or late
makes no difference.”
A recent all-party parliamentary
group on women’s health – which
also covered the condition
endometriosis – found “unacceptable
treatment” for women with fibroids.
It reported that 42% of women said
they were not treated with “dignity
and respect” and nearly half were not
told about the short- or long-term
side effects of treatment. It found that
12% of women took up to two years
even to be treated for their fibroids.
One woman told the survey she had
been told by her gynaecologist that
there was only one treatment option.
“I was only offered a hysterectomy
and only through my own online
research did I discover the other
options out there. I had to ask for
these other treatments,” she said.
Another respondent said her
symptoms were ignored.
“Far too often, women put up
with symptoms and incredible pain
because they are not aware of what
is ‘normal’ and they feel stigmatised
by talking about ‘women’s problems’,”
said the report.
Bridgette York, a solicitor who
founded the Fibroid Network patient
and campaign group, was diagnosed
with fibroids when she was in her
mid-20s. She says that, at the time,
some 20 years ago, women – even
young women who hadn’t had
children – were being pushed towards
unnecessary hysterectomies. “It was
very distressing emotionally and
people weren’t talking about it,” says
York. After doing lots of research,
she was treated nine years after the
diagnosis with a myomectomy,
which removed the fibroids but kept
her womb intact. She had four
fibroids removed, with one measuring
33cm (13in) across and the largest
weighing 5kg (11lb). York recovered
well and went on to have twins.
One of her concerns now is the
number of women who are offered
medication to treat symptoms
rather than a cure. Some drugs also
act as contraceptives and are often
prescribed to women in their 20s
and 30s who may not be aware that
it may delay their ability to conceive
once they come off it. Medication
can be useful for some women, but
York says there are safety and
efficacy concerns. She points to the
drug Esmya (ulipristal acetate) – in
February, the Medicines &
Healthcare Products Regulatory
Agency informed medical
professionals that it was the subject
of a new EU safety review after
several women suffered serious
liver damage while taking it. The
agency ruled that it should not be
prescribed to new patients and
that liver function should be
tested once a month for women
already on it.
“We’re concerned that women are
•
Sexual healing
Pamela Stephenson
Connolly
I’ve tried everything
to cure my premature
ejaculation and
nothing has helped
I am 27 years old and have been
battling premature ejaculation since
I first had sex at 15. It was one of the
causes of my seven-year relationship
breaking up, and has left me feeling
insecure about my relationships with
women. I have tried everything from
medication (paroxetine) to yoga
(vinyasa yoga to control breathing,
as well as tantric yoga) to seeing sex
therapists and changing my diet.
Nothing seems to work. Sex is a huge
part of a relationship and is one of
the main ways to express your love,
but I have faced nothing but
frustration in this aspect of my
relationship with women.
PHOTOGRAPH: MATT CROSSICK/PA
FKA twigs: the
singer found
having fibroids
‘excruciating
at times’
not being given all of the options,
and not being given informed
choice, and that drugs [might not]
have as much effect as they think it
might do, especially if they have
large fibroids,” says York.
The all-party parliamentary
report found that 70% of women
were told about hysterectomy, with
38% undergoing one. However, in
many cases, fibroids can be treated
with less extreme surgery, but also
non-surgical interventions such as
uterine fibroid embolisation, which
is carried out by a radiologist who
essentially blocks the blood vessels
“feeding” the fibroid. Woodruff
Walker, a pioneer of uterine fibroid
embolisation, says not enough
women are being told about the
treatment by gynaecologists, either
because they are not familiar with it
or because it is not something they
offer. “For about 25% of patients
who come to me, who have fought
their way through the system,
embolisation is not mentioned by
their gynaecologist as an option.”
There are also newer treatments
involving laser or ultrasound to
destroy the fibroid, but the NHS
points out that “the long-term
benefits and risks are unknown”.
“We do have some medical
therapies, but they’re not useful for
‘Far too often,
women put up with
symptoms and
incredible pain
because they feel
stigmatised’
very large fibroids,” says Beckett.
For large fibroids, she explains,
“you would probably offer a
hysterectomy. You can do open
surgery to remove the fibroids and
leave the womb, but that can be
quite complicated. You can remove
smaller ones laparascopically
[through a small incision]. You can
do minimally invasive techniques
to interfere with the blood supply of
the fibroid [such as embolisation]
and, if they are impinging on the
lining of the womb, you can remove
them through a camera that goes
into the womb through the cervix.”
Embolisation “is not extremely
widely available and there are some
disadvantages to it. You can get
quite significant pain afterwards
and the data on fertility is not very
well established. The data is much
more established with traditional
surgical methods,” she says.
It is usually possible to learn to delay
ejaculation by identifying one’s point
of “ejaculatory inevitability”, then
practising the art of taking a controlled
pause before it overtakes. It is best to
first try this “stop-start” technique
during masturbation. Once a man is
able to halt his race to ejaculation
during self-pleasuring, he can try to
achieve it during manual or oral
stimulation by a partner, or during
intercourse – ideally beginning with
what is, for him, the least exciting.
This latter part of the protocol is best
tried with an understanding partner.
And it is worth remembering that not
all women enjoy prolonged intercourse;
in fact, some much prefer to have a
short period of thrusting – especially
those who mainly reach orgasm
through manual or oral stimulation. In
fact, if you learn to pleasure partners to
orgasm without engaging your penis
– before or after you have ejaculated
– they will be satisfied and unlikely to
complain about shorter intercourse.
You seem to have labeled yourself
as an “early ejaculator”’ when you are
a man with a wide range of attributes
that must make you desirable to a
partner. Try to gain a broader
perspective of your positive qualities,
and appreciate what you can
contribute to a relationship.
Write to us
Send us your
own problem for
Sexual Healing
by emailing
private.lives@
theguardian.
com or writing
to Private Lives,
The Guardian,
Kings Place,
90 York Way,
London N1 9GU.
Submissions
are subject to
our terms and
conditions:
see gu.com/
letters-terms
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is
ychotherapist who
a US-based psychotherapist
reating sexual
specialises in treating
disorders
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
7
•
From microchip implants to
wristband trackers and sensors
that can detect fatigue and
depression, new technology is
enabling employers to watch staff
in more and more intrusive ways.
How worried should we be?
Your boss is
watching you
➺ Words Emine Saner
L
ast year an American
company microchipped
dozens of its workers.
In a “chip party” that
made headlines around
the world, employees
lined up to have a device the size
of a grain of rice implanted under
the skin between their thumb and
forefinger. At first, Todd Westby,
the CEO of Three Square Market,
thought only about five or six people
– him and a couple of directors,
some of the people who worked
in the IT department – would
volunteer. But of the 90 people who
work at the headquarters, 72 are
now chipped; Westby has a chip
in each hand. They can be used
to open security doors, log on to
computers and make payments at
the company’s vending machines.
Can he see it taking off at lots of
other companies? “Not necessarily,”
he says. Or at least not yet. It’s partly
a generational thing, he believes.
“You may never want to be chipped
but if you’re a millennial, you have
no problems. They think it’s cool.”
There are other uses for it – two
months ago, the company (whose
core business is selling vending
machines and kiosks) started
chipping people with dementia in
Puerto Rico. If someone wanders
off and gets lost, police can scan the
chip “and they will know all their
medical information, what drugs
they can and can’t have, they’ll
know their identity.” So far, Three
Square Market has chipped 100
people, but plans to do 10,000.
The company has just launched
a mobile phone app that pairs the
chip with the phone’s GPS, enabling
the implantee’s location to be
tracked. Last week, it started using
it with people released from prison
on probation, as a replacement for
ankle tags, which Westby describes
as “intimidating and degrading”.
Could he ever see the company using
GPS to track its chipped employees?
“No,” he says. “There’s no reason to.”
Not all firms would agree. Tech
companies are coming up with ever
more bizarre and intrusive ways to
monitor workforces. Last week the
Times reported that some Chinese
companies are using sensors in
helmets and hats to scan workers’
brainwaves and detect fatigue, stress
and even emotions such as anger. It
added that one electrical company
uses brainwave scans to decide how
many breaks workers get, and for how
long. The technology is used on highspeed train drivers to “detect fatigue
and attention loss”. While this sort
of technology may have legitimate
safety applications – a similar project
was carried out with Crossrail workers
using wristbands that sensed fatigue –
it’s not hard to see how it could creep
into other areas.
In February, it was reported
that Amazon had been granted
patents for a wristband that not only
tracked workers’ locations in the
warehouse as they “picked” items
to be dispatched, but could “read”
their hand movements, buzzing
or emitting a pulse to alert them
when they were reaching for the
wrong item. In the filing, Amazon
describes it as being able to “monitor
performance of the placing of the
incoming inventory item into the
identified storage location by the
inventory system worker”.
There are tech companies selling
products that can take regular
screenshots of employees’ work,
monitor keystrokes and web usage,
and even photograph them at
their desks using their computers’
webcams. Working from home
offers no protection, as all this
can be done remotely. Software
can monitor social media usage,
analyse language or be installed
on employees’ phones to monitor
encrypted apps such as WhatsApp.
Employees can be fitted with badges
that not only track their location, but
also monitor their tone of voice, how
often they speak in meetings and
who they speak to and for how long.
Employees have always been
watched at work, and technology
8
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
has always been used to do it. But
where it was once a factory foreman
with a stopwatch, or workers having
to physically clock in and out, now
“all of that physical stuff has gone
into digital technology”, says André
Spicer, professor of organisational
behaviour at Cass Business School.
“It captures things that you weren’t
able to capture in the past, like how
many keystrokes are people taking,
what are they looking at on their
screen while they’re at work, what
kind of language are they using. And
surveillance follows you outside the
workplace now.”
How much of this is legal? In
the UK, employers are allowed to
monitor which websites you look at
while at work, says Philip Landau,
a partner at Landau Law Solicitors
who specialises in employment law.
“However, the device they monitor
must be partly or wholly provided by
work. Employers must also give prior
warning if they are going to monitor
your online activity, and should
Deliveroo
monitors its
riders’ and
drivers’
performance
‘You couldn’t hit
Amazon’s targets
unless you ran –
but you weren’t
allowed to run‘
make you aware of the relevant
social media policy.” It is also legal
to monitor keystrokes, though
again employees must be told they
will be watched. “In companies
where this system is in place, it is
not uncommon for employers to
A ‘picker’ in
speak to employees if they feel
an Amazon
that their number of keystrokes
warehouse
is low,” says Landau. “It is worth
noting that a high number of
keystrokes does not necessarily
mean high levels of productivity
and vice versa.”
Employers could theoretically use
your computer’s webcam to see when
you’re at your desk but “there should
be a justification for such monitoring,
and you should be informed of it
beforehand. You should also be
informed what the pictures will
book Hired: Six Months Undercover
be used for, and how they will be
in Low-Wage Britain. “We carried
stored.” As for GPS tracking, “a
this handheld device at all times
company may track any vehicles that
and it tracks your productivity,”
they supply to their staff. However,
he says. It would direct workers
the data they collect must only be
to the items they need to find on
used for the management purposes
the shelves in one of Amazon’s
of the company. Any GPS device is
vast warehouses. “Each time you
not allowed to be turned on if the
picked up an item, there would be
employee is using the vehicle for
this countdown timer [to get to the
personal reasons outside of work.”
next item] which would measure
James Bloodworth spent a month
your productivity.” Bloodworth says
working as a “picker” – the person
supervisors would tell people how
who locates the products ordered
productive they were being; he was
– for Amazon in March 2016 for his
•
Tony Danna,
vice-president
at Three Square
Market, gets
his microchip
implant
Some Chinese
companies are
using sensors
to detect
employees’ levels
of fatigue and
their emotional
state
‘Prisoners used
to be forced to
wear trackers.
Now we willingly
put them on’
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY; AP
somebody has made on an assembly
line and retrospectively judge it
for quality. We all make mistakes
and we all have bad days, but this
kind of monitoring can be made
retrospectively to sack people and is
used to give people a sense that they
could lose their jobs at any moment.”
warned he was in the bottom 10%.
“You were also sent admonishments
through the device saying you need
to get your productivity up. You’re
constantly tracked and rated. I
found you couldn’t keep up with
the productivity targets without
running – yet you were also told you
weren’t allowed to run, and if you
did, you’d get a disciplinary. But
if you fell behind in productivity,
you’d get a disciplinary for that as
well.” It didn’t feel, he says, “that
you were really treated as a human
being”. Workers had to go through
airport-style security scanners at the
beginning and end of their shifts,
or to get to the break areas. He says
going to the loo was described as
“idle time” and once found a bottle
of urine on one of the shelves.
Amazon says its scanning devices
“are common across the warehouse
and logistics sector as well as in
supermarkets, department stores and
other businesses, and are designed to
assist our people in performing their
roles”, while the company “ensures
all of its associates have easy access to
toilet facilities, which are just a short
walk from where they are working”.
It adds: “Associates are allowed to use
the toilet whenever needed. We do
not monitor toilet breaks.”
Some of Bloodworth’s colleagues,
he says, were angry about the level
of monitoring – “but it was more
cynicism and resignation. Most of
the people I met hadn’t been in the
job very long or were looking for
other jobs. Every job was temporary
and it was a workforce completely
in flux.” Has Bloodworth seen the
future? Will we all be monitored
like this by our bosses in years to
come? Possibly, he says. “One of the
things that has arisen in response to
the book is that people say work is
going to be automated anyway, or
workers need to be more flexible,
as if this is the way of the future
and it’s inevitable, which I think is
quite dangerous. Amazon can get
away with this because of political
choices and because the trade
union movement is quite weak. I
think other businesses will look at
Amazon, see they have had success
with this business model – and seek
to replicate it.”
For his book Working the Phones,
Jamie Woodcock, a sociologist
of work at the Oxford Internet
Institute, spent six months working
in a call centre. You get a sense of
the monitoring, he says, “from the
moment you walk in. You have TV
screens that have everyone’s relative
performance to each other displayed.
Managers collect data on almost
every single part of what you do.
Every single phone call I ever made
was digitally recorded and stored. In
terms of monitoring, it’s like being
able to call back every single thing
M
onitoring is built
into many of the
jobs that form
the so-called
“gig economy”.
It’s not easy to
object to the constant surveillance
when you’re desperate for work.
What has surprised Spicer is how
willingly people in better-paid jobs
have taken to it. “Prisoners in the
past were forced to wear tracking
bands but now we willingly put
on step trackers or other kinds of
tracking devices given to us by our
employers, and in some cases we pay
for the privilege.” Companies such
as IBM, BP, Bank of America, Target
and Barclays have offered their
employees Fitbit activity trackers.
It is part, Spicer says, of “this
whole idea of wanting to improve or
optimise yourself. A lot of technology
is designed to not just feed back data
about your performance to your boss,
but also give it to you. I guess they’re
also seen as cool or fashionable, so it’s
not surprising they’re taken up
so readily.”
Spicer has watched the shift away
from “monitoring something like
emails to monitoring people’s bodies
– the rise of bio-tracking basically.
The monitoring of your vital signs,
emotions, moods.” Of Three Square
Market’s practice of chipping
employees, he says: “You can
imagine that slowly extending. You
could imagine things like employers
asking to have your DNA in the
future, and other kinds of data.”
Surveillance can have positive
applications. It’s necessary (and
legally required) in the financial
industry to prevent insider
trading. It could be used to prevent
harassment and bullying, and to
root out bias and discrimination.
One interesting study last year
monitored emails and productivity,
and used sensors to track behaviour
and interaction with management,
and found that men and women
behaved almost identically at
work. The findings challenged the
belief that the reason women are
not promoted to senior levels is
that they are less proactive or have
fewer interactions with leaders, and
simply need to “lean in”.
Still, says, Woodcock, “we need to
have a conversation in society about
whether work should be somewhere
that you’re surveilled”. That need
is perhaps most urgent where lowpaid, insecure jobs are concerned.
“If you work in the gig economy,
you have a smartphone,” Woodcock
points out, and that smartphone
can be used to track you. “I think
because many of these workplaces
don’t have traditional forms of
organisation or trade unions,
management are able to introduce
these things with relatively little
collective resistance.”
The Independent Workers Union
of Great Britain is well aware of
the issues of monitoring and data
collection. James Farrar is the chair
of its United Private Hire Drivers
branch, and the Uber driver who won
a legal battle against the company
last year for drivers’ rights. “They do
collect an awful lot of information,”
he says. “One of the things they will
report to you on a daily basis is how
good your acceleration and braking
has been. You get a rating. The
question is: why are they collecting
that information?” Uber also
monitors “unusual movements” of
the phone when someone is driving
(implying it knows if someone is
using their phone while at the wheel)
and, of course, tracks cars and
drivers by GPS.
“My concern with it is this
information is being fed into a
dispatch algorithm,” he says. “We
should have access to the data and
understand how it’s being used. If
some kind of quality score on my
driving capability [is put into an
algorithm], I may be offered less
valuable work, kept away from the
most valuable clients – who knows?”
It’s not an unreasonable fear – the food
delivery company Deliveroo already
does something similar, monitoring
its riders’ and drivers’ performance,
and has started offering “priority
access” when booking shifts to those
who “provide the most consistent,
quality service”. Uber, however,
says its monitoring is intended only
to deliver “a smoother, safer ride …
This data is used to inform drivers of
their driving habits and is not used
to affect future trip requests.”
Not all surveillance is bad, says
Farrar. In some ways, he would
like more. He was assaulted by a
passenger and is calling for CCTV
in all vehicles, partly for the safety
of drivers. “There is a role for
surveillance technology,” he says.
Ironically, when Farrar went for a
meeting with Uber to discuss the
assault, the company made him
turn his phone off to prove he wasn’t
recording it.
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
9
•
Arts
‘They were jumping
up and down for
my madras shirts!’
Leading lights
… mods in
the 1960s;
left, Simons
His shops triggered a British style explosion – and
he’s idolised by sharp-suited superstars like
Martin Freeman and Paul Weller. Andy Welch
meets John Simons, the man who dressed the mods
‘A
bsolutely not,”
says John Simons
when asked if
he can remove
his cap for a
photograph. He
insists he’s not being stubborn or
difficult, though. It’s just that this
would ruin his look. “It’s part of my
outfit. I can’t take it off,” he says. By
way of compromise, he agrees to tilt
his head back a little.
For Simons, even as he prepares
to turn 79, items of clothing are
not merely about comfort or
functionality, but extensions of the
wearer’s personality. Everything
must be just so, elegant, the result
of no little thought. The coat he
has chosen to wear while being
photographed outside his London
shop in the rain underlines his
philosophy: quality lasts – fashions
may change but style is eternal.
This particular vintage Burberry
trench – with its soft silk-like lining
and distinctive stitching on the
sleeves, the evolution of which
Simons explains in detail – is a rare
piece, virtually the same as the one
he’s wearing in a 1955 photograph
that he digs out to show me.
Simons is the subject of
A Modernist, a new film that
chronicles his rise from Jewish
teenager with a passion for fashion
in the 1950s to one of UK clothing’s
most revered figures, inspiring
generations with his succession of
pilgrimage-worthy shops. But the
film is more than just the tale of one
trend-setting retailer’s life and work
– it’s a celebration of British youth
subculture since the mid-1960s.
“I wasn’t surprised someone
wanted to make a film,” Simons
says, sipping an espresso in the cafe
across from his shop in Chiltern
Street, Marylebone, a suitably oldfashioned part of London known
for independent boutiques and
Victorian architecture. “I’ve been
cracking away at this for well over
50 years. That’s not meant to sound
arrogant, but I have done some
unique things. People like to hear
about that.”
The documentary – directed
by Lee Cogswell and produced by
Mark Baxter, the duo behind the
film Peter Blake: Pop Art Life – uses
archive footage, evocative imagery
and a range of immaculately dressed
talking heads, from Paul Weller to
Suggs from Madness, DJ Robert
Elms to Kevin Rowland of Dexys
Midnight Runners.
While it focuses on the essence
of Simons’ life and career, the film
also brilliantly captures the cultural
explosion of the mid-1950s, as the
vision of drab prewar UK faded
and an undercurrent of colour
and creativity burst through. It’s
a world of low rents, gentlemen’s
agreements and naked optimism we
are unlikely to see again soon.
Simons was born in London in
May 1939, four months before the
outbreak of the second world war.
He moved with his family to Market
Harborough in Leicestershire to
escape Luftwaffe raids, returning
after the war. It was then that
Simons’ interest in fashion began to
form. His dad was a tailor, skilled in
the difficult art of attaching velvet to
jacket collars, while his three uncles
made women’s suits for C&A. “My
uncles were single and they weren’t
wealthy, but they had enough
money to spoil their little nephew.”
He paints a picture of an
impossibly exciting time, with
holidays in Brighton and trips to
the tailor, the barber, and all the
Italian coffee shops popping up in
Soho. “There was always someone
around selling clothes, silk ties, or
this and that. My family were all very
well dressed, but I was interested
in it all. I’d customise my clothes,
experimenting all the time.”
The uncles were friends with
Cecil Gee, owner of a three-storey
menswear shop in Charing Cross
10
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
Road on the edge of Soho. Simons
completed a full apprenticeship
there, quickly becoming an expert
window dresser. His windows have
been talking points ever since,
with designer Paul Smith – an avid
customer – describing them as “like
theatre”. Simons spent four years
in the display team at Burberry and
was invited to do the windows at
another menswear shop, Austin’s,
on Shaftesbury Avenue.
xclusively
Austin’s sold almost exclusively
American clothing, and it was here
ove affair
that Simons’ enduring love
ook began:
with the “Ivy League” look
tic typified
a collegiate, neat aesthetic
gle-breasted
by soft-shouldered, single-breasted
sers,
suit jackets, slimfit trousers,
Oxford shirts, penny
loafers and a short-back-and-sides. Think JFK, orr
weekend Don Draper in
polo shirt and chinos.
At Austin’s, there was
no curation as such,
and the shop was not a
youth hangout. It was
an old-fashioned retailerr
selling to middle-aged
businessmen looking forr a
hint of Madison Avenue.. En
masse, the conservative-em
looking clothes could seem
‘I’d pass the shop
with my parents,’
says Paul Weller.
‘Sta-Prest trousers,
wing-tipped
g
brogues.
Beautiful’
bland, but by picking out select lines
and adding a distinctly British twist,
it was possible to mould a new look.
Simons had found his niche.
“When you were born like I was,
just as the war started, the big draw
growing up was the US – for music,
art and imagination. It was a magical
and distant place with incredible
style. The films, the TV … but it was
the music that was especially big
for me.” Rolled up with all this was a
burgeoning love of jazz. He started
having saxophone lessons – he still
plays – and studied the look of his
heroes on Blue Note record sleeves,
still a source of inspiration.
“We started selling a green
gree
button-down shirt like tthe one
Miles Davis wore on th
the cover
say It
of Milestones,” he says.
is still selling well. Ma
Martin
custo
Freeman, a loyal customer
and one of the backers of A
recentl spotted
Modernist, was recently
wearing one while prom
promoting his
new film Ghost Stor
Stories.
Loyal customers …
Paul Weller, Martin
Freeman and
Kevin Rowland
•
Digested Read
John Crace
‘Marisa, Chabela and Quique
g
celebrated the end of the bombing
with another juddering orgasm’
Title The Neighborhood
Author Mario Vargas Llosa
By his late teens, Simons was
ready to branch out. First, there was
Clothesville, a makeshift shop in the
foyer of a clothing factory beside
the Hackney Empire in east London.
There were Oxford shirts, slimlegged trousers, tapered peacoats
and Clothesville’s twist on a
Burberry shooting jacket, in varying
shades of corduroy. They expanded
to nearby Walthamstow market, but
their key supplier didn’t want to take
things any further, certainly not as
far as Richmond, where Simons had
set his sights.
And so, with new suppliers and a
little help from a friend to cover the
£14-a-week lease, The Ivy Shop in
Richmond was born. “We opened on
a Saturday in the summer of 1964,”
says Simons. “We took £60 on the
first day, which was a lot of money.
It made me think we’d be OK.” The
shop’s success grew, although it was
a couple of years before it became a
destination; if not actually spawning
a handful of mod movements, then
certainly dictating the uniform.
“It was people who wanted to
dress like Jack Lemmon in The
Apartment that we really wanted to
attract, but that never happened.
All the Jack the lads came instead. I
guess the suedehead thing was what
we most inspired.” Prominent at
the tail end of the 60s, suedeheads
were subtly different from the
earlier skinheads. Taking more of a
steer from Jamaican culture, their
soundtrack was ska and rocksteady,
and they were very smartly dressed
in blazers, button-down shirts, clubstripe ties, brogues and bright socks.
“I remember driving past the shop
with my mum and dad when we
were on our way up to Richmond,”
says Paul Weller, another of the
film’s backers. “I was really, really
gutted that I couldn’t stop to have
a look in there. Those suedehead
fashions, a crombie with Sta-Prest
trousers, wing-tipped brogues –
beautiful really. It was very formal,
almost like a New York banker
or something, but you’d see all
these little herberts wearing it,
appropriating it and looking great.
That’s something British youth, up
to a point, always did really well.”
It was at The Ivy Shop Simons
christened the Harrington jacket.
The Baracuta G9 – a smart golf
jacket with elasticated waist and
cuffs and a Fraser tartan lining – was
often worn by Rodney Harrington,
played by Ryan O’Neal in US drama
Peyton Place. When Simons was
displaying one of the soughtafter garments, he would add a
handwritten note saying: “The
Rodney Harrington jacket”, later
shortening it to “Harrington”. The
name has now been adopted by
manufacturers the world over.
Simons started another trend
while in Richmond. Still fascinated
by east-coast jazz and the New York
School art scene, he travelled to the
Big Apple to meet manufacturers. He
managed to negotiate bargain prices
on end-of-season lines to bring
back to the UK. “Of course, their
last season wasn’t our last season,”
he says. “I went to the Empire
State Building and bought all these
madras shirts for a dollar a dozen.
People were jumping up and down
for them in London.”
In 1981, building on the success
of The Ivy Shop and subsequent
premises on Soho’s Brewer Street
(The Squire Shop) and Chelsea (The
Village Gate), Simons opened
J Simons in Covent Garden. It was
here that Jason Jules, the film’s
writer and an impossibly welldressed stylist, first became a
customer. “I remember seeing all
these shoes – Florsheims,
Walkovers, Sebagos,” Jules says.
“The quality of these things I’d only
ever seen in films. This was preinternet, so I didn’t really know
these things actually existed.”
Jules came up with the idea for
A Modernist a couple of years ago,
after being mistakenly informed
Simons had died. Once the error had
been cleared up, he was moved to
honour the life and work of a man
he sees as a great unsung hero in
British fashion. Kevin Rowland,
meanwhile, regards Simons as a
great artist, worthy of a statue, while
Weller admires his unwavering
commitment. “He’s not pandering
to anyone,” he says. “It’s basically: if
you don’t like it, then don’t fucking
come. And I like that.”
John Simons: A Modernist is out now.
Price £18.99
Suits you,
sir … a shop
advert and the
jacket Simons
christened a
Harrington
“Please indulge an elderly Nobel
laureate,” begged Mario. “Let
me start this novel with a cliched
lesbian sex scene.”
“Oh look,” cried Marisa. “Both
our husbands are away and
you’ve just missed the curfew.
You’d better stay the night in my
bed, Chabela.”
“Gosh,” replied Chabela. “How time flies!
You’re right. I will phone Luciano to let
him know I’m staying. Are you sure Quique
won’t mind?”
Marisa woke up during the night. But was
she actually awake – or just dreaming? Her best
friend’s hand was pressing against her wetness.
It felt so wrong, yet it felt so right. Within
seconds they were entwined, their tongues
probing one another hungrily.
Standing in his office, Enrique knew that
Rolando Garro, the tabloid journalist from
Exposed!, was trouble the moment he saw
this pallid man with rat-like features. “I’ll
get straight to the point,” said Garro. “I’ve
got some photos of you participating in an
orgy with some whores. Either you give
me $100K to bankroll Exposed! or I publish
the pictures.”
“Get out,” yelled Enrique, known as
Quique to his wife and friends. “I could tell
immediately by your pallor and rat-like features
that you were trouble.”
In Miami, Marisa and Chabela were now
enjoying a three-day break away from their
husbands. It felt so wrong, yet it felt so right. At
least it did to Mario, who could barely breathe
with excitement as the two women pleasured
one another for several pages.
Enrique was in tears. The photos had been
published and he was now the laughing stock
of all Peru. “What shall I do?” he begged. “My
business will be ruined and Marisa will never
make love to me again.”
“Try not to worry,” Luciano said evenly.
“We just have to make sure this is an end to the
matter. And Marisa will be all over you again
within minutes.”
“Please forgive me, Marisa,” Quique wept.
“I can never forgive you,” she replied, taking his
stiff cock in her hands.
Back in the Exposed! offices, senior reporter
Shorty – so named because she wasn’t very
tall – was in a state of shock. Rolando, her boss,
had been found brutally murdered in one of
ILLUSTRATION: MATT BLEASE
PHOTOGRAPH: ALAMY STOCK PHOTO
Publisher Faber
the poorest areas of Lima. She quickly packed
up her things and went into hiding. Rolando’s
death had all the hallmarks of an assassination
by the Doctor, the head of the secret police set
up by President Alberto Fujimori.
“Everyone’s going to think it was me that
killed the pallid reporter with rat-like features,”
Quique sobbed, unable to stop himself from
using the same descriptions over and over
again. “Please try to think and write a little more
clearly,” Luciano advised. “I’m doing my best,”
Mario insisted huffily.
Just as they were speaking, the secret police
arrested Enrique and took him to prison where
he was forced to masturbate several burly
inmates. Enrique couldn’t believe what was
happening to him. Nor, quite frankly, could the
reader. Or that the book was so badly written.
“It’s OK,” said a guard, on the third morning.
“You can go. You’re innocent.”
Marisa and Chabela were once more to be
found in bed together. “I do wish you would
stop making love to Quique,” said Chabela, her
arm draped across Marisa’s breasts. “Then how
would you feel if we invited him to join us in
a threesome?” said Marisa.
“Couldn’t you ask me?” Mario begged
eagerly. “I’d be up for it.”
“No,” Marisa and Chabela replied firmly,
before pleasuring themselves once more. “This
is amazing,” said Quique, as all three of them
came simultaneously. “I can’t believe my luck.
Should we tell Luciano?
“No.”
Shorty found herself bundled into the back of
a car and taken to the Doctor’s secret location.
“We killed Rolando,” said the Doctor, “because
he published the photos of Enrique without
permission. But it’s all OK because we’ve
pinned the blame on an old poet with dementia.
Here’s the deal. You’re going to be the new
editor and you will only publish the stories I tell
you to.”
Hot off the presses! Three months later,
Exposed! ran a special edition revealing that
the Doctor and Fujimori had killed Rolando and
that the Peruvian state was corrupt.
“Isn’t it great how Fujimori and the Doctor
are in prison and that Shining Path has stopped
blowing things up?” agreed Marisa, Chabela
and Quique as they celebrated their three-year
shagfest with yet another juddering orgasm.
“Do you think our threesome might be an
allegory for something?”
“Who cares as long as Luciano doesn’t find
out?” said Chabela.
“Can I come to Miami with you next time?”
asked Luciano.
“If you must.”
“Oh goody,” cried Mario. “Does this mean I
can join in now, too?”
Digested read, digested: Don’t Lima this way
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
11
•
Live reviews
Exhausting
japes …
Problem in
Brighton
Music
Problem in
Brighton
★★☆☆☆
PHOTOGRAPHS: VICTOR FRANKOWSKI; TRISTRAM KENTON FOR THE GUARDIAN; RICHARD ISAAC/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK
The Old Market, Hove
Pop
Frank Turner
★★★★☆
Roundhouse, London
Until tonight
Box office: 0300-678 9222
A
rtist David Shrigley
has dabbled in music
before – a 2007
compilation album
involved names
including Hot Chip,
Franz Ferdinand and Dirty Projectors
turning his poems into short songs
– but a sense of mystery attends his
main commission for this year’s
Brighton festival. Advance publicity
variously describes it as a “musical
theatre piece” and an “alt-rock/
pop pantomime”, informs us that
a group of local musicians – some
drawn from Brighton-based physical
comedy troupe Spymonkey – will be
performing songs co-authored by
Shrigley and composer Lee Baker on
guitars designed by the artist, some
of which only have one string.
As it turns out, “musical theatre
piece” is pitching it a bit high: there
are a few props on stage – at one
point, someone pretends to play
a car exhaust – and a lot of zany
gurning, but it’s essentially a gig.
The music resides somewhere
between old-fashioned indie and
garage rock, while the lyrics are
surreal comic monologues not a
million miles from something Vic
Reeves or Harry Hill might come
up with. It’s tempting to add that
most of the lines feel more likely
to raise a smile or an indulgent
chuckle than a belly laugh, but
in fairness there are people here
who are in fits. One song involves
frontwoman Pauline Knowles
singing the names of various types
of footwear – plimsolls, moonboots,
Doc Martens etc – while fellow
vocalist Stephan Kreiss takes off his
shoes and socks and waves them
about. Somewhere in the audience,
a woman nearly dies laughing.
At its absolute worst, it sounds
like something a sixth-form punk
band might do at the end-of-term
school gig: a brief thrashy number
during which everybody shouts
I
t has become a common
lament, in this era of Donald
Trump and Brexit, to ask
where rock’s voices of
protest are. This criticism
cannot be levelled at
Frank Turner, who appears to
be pathologically driven to use
his music to make sense of his
personal life and the political
world around him.
Turner’s libertarian views,
including his since-regretted
comment that “socialism is
retarded”, have drawn flak, but
his new, seventh album, Be More
Kind, is less controversial. It’s a
humane, pensive document that
admits to confusion: “Stop asking
musicians what they think!” are the
first words of tonight’s set opener,
1933, a song that equates the current
global mood of nationalism with the
rise of Hitler from Weimar Republic.
Fronting his usual taut, tensile
folk-punk band, the Sleeping Souls,
it’s clear that Turner is one of life’s
conciliators, not provocateurs.
Polite yet
profrane …
Turner at the
Roundhouse
Even a barbed new number,
Make America Great Again, is
introduced here as “a love song
to America” as he stresses that
he is determined to take the long
view that Trump, like all things,
must pass.
This first of his four shows at
the Roundhouse is very much
a celebration as Turner fires
“Jacob Rees-Mogg!” over and over
again. But what it really seems to
speak of is a youth spent listening to
the John Peel show late at night. The
best bits – a song about finding dead
sea life washed up on a beach, each
creature wearing a ridiculous hat –
evince a dark whimsy reminiscent
of perennial Peel
favourites Ivor
There are
Cutler and Vivian
songs about
Stanshall. After
Jacob ReesPeel’s death,
Mogg and
you heard a lot
moonboots
about his support
for Marc Bolan
but too
and the Fall, but
few truly
substantially
quirky
less about
moments
his ceaseless
enthusiasm for
a certain kind of
leftfield novelty
record – There
Goes Concorde Again by And the
Native Hipsters, the Colourblind
James Experience’s Considering a
Move to Memphis, the oeuvre of I,
Ludicrous – an almost forgotten subgenre of music into which what’s
performed tonight fits so perfectly
that, as the songs end, you can
virtually hear a vaguely Liverpudlian
burr cutting in: “… and that’s at No
38 in this year’s Festive 50”. Indeed,
if you wanted to be irksomely
specific, you might note that huge
swathes of the material sound
almost identical to the Shapes’ Peelchampioned late-70s single Wot’s for
Lunch Mum? (Not Beans Again!).
The inbuilt problem with
novelty songs, leftfield or otherwise,
is that the novelty wears off: there’s
a reason Wot’s for Lunch Mum? (Not
Beans Again!) seldom turns up as
a selection on Desert Island Discs.
And so it proves tonight. There are
certainly moments where what’s
happening on stage is quirkily
engaging – there’s a good gag
about the Glitter Band – but an hour
of it amounts to pushing your luck:
an EP’s worth of material padded
out into an album.
Alexis Petridis
through a series of rousing, bighearted anthems and calls to arms.
The new album’s finger-picked title
track beseeches keyboard warriors
to adopt open minds, while the
defiant atheist gospel of Glory
Hallelujah (“There is no God, so clap
your hands together!”) triggers a
joyous mass sing-along.
As ever, the rangy Turner cuts an
idiosyncratic figure, simultaneously
profane and scrupulously polite,
and with the slick stage patter of
a well-spoken comedian. Yet
emotion overcomes him as he
bawls a brittle cover of Frightened
Rabbit’s The Modern Leper in tribute
to their singer, his friend Scott
Hutchison, who died last week.
By the encore, he is wild-eyed,
soaked in sweat, and bouncing
above a frenzied mosh pit of
devotees for the frenetic thrash of
Four Simple Words. If Turner’s
music doesn’t make this sorry
world a better place, it won’t be
for want of trying.
Ian Gittins
Quiet
desolation
…Crave
Dance
Crave
★★★☆☆
Barbican, London
H
orrors haunt the
text of Crave, the
1998 play by Sarah
Kane in which four
individuals (named
A, B, C and M)
speak in fragmented voices about
the traumas that have left them
damaged and bereft. Rape, madness
and a hint of paedophilic abuse are
present in their stories. And when
Julie Cunningham announced
her decision to create a danced
adaptation of the play, you couldn’t
help but imagine its potential for
physical excess.
Cunningham doesn’t so much
translate the text into dance as
create a new element in which
its words can move and breathe.
Her subtle, evocative strategy is
to have the four female dancers
circling and mirroring the four
female actors as they perform their
roles. Sometimes the choreography
animates the space between the
performers: angular clusters of
dance that curdle the atmosphere,
or drawn-out balances suggestive
of quiet desolation. Sometimes it
echoes the cadences of the text,
catching its glimmers of wit and
its drifting uncertainties.
On rare occasions, it becomes
an active player. As Anna Martine
Freeman relives A’s thwarted love
affair, Cunningham butts and
pummels her violently, becoming
both adversary and alter ego.
If there’s a flaw in this finely
conceived production, it’s
mostly due to issues in the text,
as its final 10 minutes circle
through a series of false endings,
and Kane’s complex, compelling
characters can feel like burdensome
company. But Cunningham creates
her own powerful coda as, one by
one, the woman exit the space and
two dancers remain – each locked
in a solitary space but seeking
out one last ray of light on the
darkening stage.
Judith Mackrell
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
13
•
TV and radio
Watch this
Innocent
9pm, ITV
Review
Patrick Melrose
From Chris Lang, creator of ITV’s delayedjustice hit, Unforgotten, comes another drama
about a cold case becoming abruptly hot. Bad
dad David Collins (Lee Ingleby, with a suitably
sketchy goatee) is released on a technicality
after serving seven years for murdering his wife.
What will that mean for his now-teenage kids,
raised by righteous auntie Alice (Hermione
Norris)? Submerged secrets, meltdown-level
performances and a propulsive pace – with all
four episodes stripped across the week – help
paper over any plot holes.
Sky Atlantic
Sam Wollaston
‘Messed-up toff throws money at
people and takes a lot of drugs’ could
have been ghastly – but it is a triumph
★★★★★
T
he phone rings, one of those telephones
with a curly wire connecting the receiver.
A stripy-shirted arm reaches for it
tentatively. “Hello?” says a voice – deep,
aristocratic, lugubrious and woozy, but
unmistakably Benedict Cumberbatch
(confirmed when the camera eventually looks higher).
There is a delay and an echo on the line (remember
that?). Sad news from New York: his father has died.
Patrick Melrose, the character Cumberbatch is
playing, sinks slowly towards the floor, but not in grief.
He has dropped something; a syringe. There is a telltale
blood spot on the shirt, too.
After hanging up, Melrose’s face slowly – very slowly –
transforms. His eyes close, he exhales through his nose,
the corners of his mouth twist into a smile, because
heroin is now flooding his brain cells and because of
another kind of release – from the abusive relationship
and trauma that was instrumental in getting him mixed
up with serious drugs in the first place.
“Old bastard’s only gone and died,” he says to one of
the women in his life. He is thinking of giving up drugs,
he tells another. Then he Concordes across the Atlantic,
where he fails spectacularly to give up drugs (to heroin
add amphetamines, quaaludes, valium and alcohol) and
very nearly fails to pick up his father’s ashes. He only
just fails to kill himself, too.
The first episode of Patrick Melrose, adapted by
One Day writer David Nicholls from the autobiographical
novels of Edward St Aubyn, covers two days in 1982 in
New York, with flashbacks to a miserable childhood
that is explored – excruciatingly and poignantly –
in future episodes.
It could have been ghastly – messed-up, Tennysonquoting toff throws money at people and takes a lot of
drugs in 80s New York, because his messed-up toff daddy
wasn’t very nice to him. And how can the thoughtful wit
and exploration – of the character and of addiction and
privilege – of the books translate to the screen?
It is a triumph, though. Nicholls must take some credit
for managing to boil down five books into five hours of
television without losing flavour. I have seen three, each
of which has a distinct character that has a lot to do with
14
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
where and when it is set, yet they nod to each other and
belong together, like movements in a symphony. The
dialogue (much of which is Melrose in conversation with
himself) is sharp; this is tight, intelligent adaptation.
Then there is Edward Berger’s direction. Berger, who
did Deutschland 83, does excellent New York 82 as well.
There are so many glorious scenes in the first episode.
At the funeral parlour on Madison, where Melrose goes
into the wrong room, a Jewish wake, before finding
the right one and unwrapping his father like a birthday
present (“Is it Dad? It is! It’s just what
I wanted, you shouldn’t have!”).
A disastrous date with a New York
socialite who doesn’t want a quaalude
or even a drink. Another drink with
a woman who witnessed some of
Patrick’s tragic childhood. During this
one, a quaalude hits and everything
Jennifer
slows down, as if all the batteries have
Jason Leigh
suddenly gone flat … until he does
gives a fine
a line of speed in the loo. Suddenly,
performance
everything – jerky camera movement
as his wasted
included – is on full charge again.
It is an immersive experience: not
mother
just watching Melrose, but kind
of being him as well.
Which brings us to the man who
has thrown himself into Melrose.
There are other fine performances: Sebastian Maltz,
haunting as young Patrick; Hugo Weaving as his monster
father; Jennifer Jason Leigh as his wasted, waste-ofspace mother. But this is the Cumberbatch show and
it has come to town.
He had always wanted the part, he told the Radio
Times, which might have been problematic, made it
a vehicle for his talents and range: look at me acting,
now shower me with awards. Maybe there is a bit of that
going on. But it also means he has a deep understanding
of the character. He hits just the right note: hilarious,
but also tragic, irritating, exasperating. It is addiction
personified, sympathetic without being celebratory or
glamorised. So, do look at him – it is impossible not to –
and shower him with awards. He is, and it is, brilliant.
Graeme Virtue
Heart Transplant:
A Chance to Live
9pm, BBC Two
And
another
thing
Don’t forget
tomorrow’s
royal wedding
special of
The Windsors
(Channel 4,
9pm). Funny
Fifty years after the
first heart transplant in
the UK, the Freeman
hospital in Newcastle
upon Tyne has allowed
unprecedented access
to document the
pioneering work it is
doing to transform lives.
There will be few more
moving and astonishing
programmes on TV this
year. Ben Arnold
Catching a Killer
9pm, Channel 4
Latest in the inevitably
gripping series of real-life
homicide investigations
filmed in real time. This
one follows Thames
Valley police as they
hunt the killers of Hang
Yin Leung, a retired
Hong Kong police officer
who died from injuries
sustained when six men
ransacked her home in
Milton Keynes in 2017.
Andrew Mueller
Lucifer
9pm, Fox
It is a shame that Lucifer
doesn’t play it solely for
comedy a la The Good
Place, with the son of
Satan depicted as an
urbane crime consultant.
Instead, it goes the
predictable police
procedural way. In this
opening episode of series
two, Lucifer must track
down his missing mother
and look into the murder
of an actor. David Stubbs
Myanmar’s
Killing Fields
10.20pm, Channel 4
A startling, brutal
documentary, as hard to
watch as it is important.
Via witness testimony
and clandestine phone
footage obtained at great
personal risk, it itemises
what appears to be a
genocide, perpetrated
by the Myanmar
authorities against the
Muslim Rohingya people.
Phil Harrison
On Assignment
10.45pm, ITV
Rageh Omaar returns
with a new series of
this current affairs
programme. John
Ray meets white
farmers in South
Africa learning armed
self-defence to protect
themselves against
land invasions and
visits a new generation
of black farmers
trying to overcome
issues of inadequate
finance and expertise.
Candice Carty-Williams
•
BBC One
BBC Two
ITV
Channel 4
Channel 5
6.0
Breakfast (T) 9.15 Ill
Gotten Gains (T) 10.0 Homes
Under the Hammer (T) (R)
11.0 A1: Britain’s Longest
Road (T) (R) 11.45 The
Housing Enforcers (T) 12.15
Bargain Hunt (T) 1.0 News
(T) 1.30 Regional News (T)
1.45 Doctors (T) 2.15 The
Doctor Blake Mysteries (T)
3.15 Escape to the Country
(T) (R) 3.45 Royal Recipes:
Wedding Special (T) 4.30
Hardball (T) 5.15 Pointless
(T) 6.0 News and Weather
(T) 6.30 Regional News and
Weather (T) 7.0 One Show
(T) 7.30 Fake Britain (T)
6.0
Flog It! Trade Secrets
(T) (R) 6.30 A1 (T) (R)
7.15 Flipping Profit (T) (R)
8.0 Gardeners’ World (T)
(R) 9.0 Victoria Derbyshire
(T) 11.0 Newsroom Live (T)
11.30 Week in Parliament
(T) 12.0 Daily Politics (T) 1.0
Perfection (T) (R) 1.45 Going
Back, Giving Back (T) (R) 2.30
Digging for Britain (T) (R)
3.30 Tudor Monastery Farm
(T) (R) 4.30 Street Auction
(T) (R) 5.15 Antiques Road
Trip (T) (R) 6.0 Eggheads (T)
(R) 6.30 Great Continental
Railway Journeys (T) 7.0
Back to the Land (T)
6.0
Good Morning Britain (T)
8.30 Lorraine (T) 9.25 The
Jeremy Kyle Show (T) 10.30
This Morning (T) 12.30
Loose Women (T) 1.30
News (T) 1.55 Local News
(T) 2.0 Judge Rinder’s Crime
Stories (T) 3.0 Dickinson’s
Real Deal (T) (R) 3.59 Local
News and Weather (T)
4.0 Tipping Point (T) 5.0
The Chase (T) 6.0 Local
News (T) 6.30 News (T) 7.0
Emmerdale (T) Bernice’s
suspicions are roused as
Daz and Kerry search for the
missing DNA test results.
7.30 Coronation Street (T)
6.0
Countdown (T) (R) 6.45
3rd Rock from the Sun (T)
(R) 7.35 Everybody Loves
Raymond (T) (R) 8.30 Frasier
(T) (R) 10.05 Ramsay’s
Kitchen Nightmares USA
(T) (R) 11.0 Undercover
Boss USA (T) (R) 12.0
News (T) 12.05 Coast v
Country (T) (R) 1.05 Posh
Pawnbrokers (T) (R) 2.10
Countdown (T) 3.0 A Place
in the Sun (T) (R) 4.0 The
£100k Drop (T) 5.0 Four in a
Bed (T) (R) 5.30 Buy It Now
(T) 6.0 Simpsons (T) (R) 6.30
Hollyoaks (T) (R) 7.0 News
(T) 7.55 Political Slot (T)
6.0
EastEnders (T) Hayley
plans to sell some of her
belongings on the market.
8.30 Panorama (T) In-depth
current affairs report.
9.0 Peter Kay’s Car Share (T) (R)
Kayleigh is tempted to call
her old friend John.
9.30 Mrs Brown’s Boys (T) (R)
Agnes tries to make friends
with Hillary.
8.0
Inside the Factory (T) (R)
Gregg Wallace investigates
the production of sauces
in the Netherlands.
Heart Transplant: A Chance
to Live (T) Documentary
following a group of seven
patients at the Freeman
Hospital in Newcastle,
who are of all ages and
all need a new heart.
8.0
Give It a Year (T) A couple
escape the rat race for a life
in the country.
8.30 Coronation Street (T) Shona
visits David in prison.
9.0 Innocent (T) New series.
A man acquitted after
serving seven years for the
murder of his wife vows
to see the real killer jailed.
Drama with Lee Ingleby.
8.0
Holidays Unpacked (T)
Lucy Hedges visits Cambodia.
Last in the series.
8.30 Tricks of the Restaurant
Trade (T) How to eat out at a
fraction of the normal price.
9.0 Catching a Killer: A Knock
at the Door (T) Thames
Valley Police’s investigation
into the murder of Hang Yin
Leung in 2017.
8.0
10.0 News (T)
10.30 Regional News (T) Weather
10.45 Have I Got a Bit More News
for You (T) Alexander
Armstrong hosts an extended
edition, with guests Sindhu
Vee and Jess Phillips.
11.30 The Graham Norton Show
(T) (R) With guests Ryan
Reynolds and Josh Brolin.
12.15 Weather (T) 12.20 News (T)
10.30 Newsnight (T) Weather
11.15 Burma With Simon Reeve
(T) (R) (1/2) Documentary
exploring the country in the
wake of the recent crisis.
12.15 Versailles (T) (R) (3&4/10)
2.0 Countryfile (T) (R) 3.0
Britain’s Fat Fight (T) (R)
4.0 Murder, Mystery and
My Family (T) (R) 4.45
This Is BBC Two (T)
10.0 News (T) Weather
10.30 Local News (T) Weather
10.45 On Assignment (T) New
series. This week, white
farmers in South Africa,
families divided by the
Korean war and women’s
rights in Albania.
11.20 Killer Women (T) (R)
12.15 Jackpot247 3.0 Jeremy Kyle
(T) (R) 3.50 Nightscreen
10.20 Myanmar’s Killing Fields (T)
A report on alleged atrocities
against the Rohingya.
11.20 999: What’s Your
Emergency? (T) (R)
12.25 The Secret Life of the Zoo
(T) (R) 1.20 Supervet (T) (R)
2.15 Extreme Cake Makers (T)
(R) 3.10 Fill Your House (T)
(R) 4.05 Best Laid Plans (R)
5.0 Comfort Food Bites (R)
10.0 Cocaine: Can’t Stop Using
(T) A look at smuggling.
11.05 Criminals Caught on Camera
(T) (R)
12.05 America’s Toughest Prisons
(T) (R) 1.0 SuperCasino (T)
3.10 Portillo’s Hidden History
(T) (R) 4.0 Get Your Tatts
Out (R) 4.45 House Doctor
(R) 5.10 Wildlife SOS (R)
5.35 Wildlife SOS (R)
8.0
9.0
Other channels
Dave
6.0am Home Shopping
7.0 Trawlermen 7.25
Trawlermen 8.10
American Pickers 9.0
Storage Hunters 10.0
American Pickers 1.0
QI XL 2.0 Top Gear 3.0
Deadly 60 4.0 Steve
Austin’s Broken Skull
Challenge 5.0 Top Gear
6.0 Taskmaster 7.0 QI XL
8.0 Cops UK: Bodycam
Squad 9.0 Live at the
Apollo 10.0 Have I Got
a Bit More News for
You 11.0 QI XL 12.0 QI
12.40 Mock the Week
2.0 QI 2.40 The Last
Man on Earth 3.30 The
Indestructibles 4.0 Home
Shopping
E4
All programmes from
8am to 7pm are double
bills 6.0am Hollyoaks
7.0 Couples Come Dine
With Me 8.0 How I Met
Your Mother 9.0 New Girl
10.0 2 Broke Girls 11.0
Brooklyn Nine-Nine 12.0
The Goldbergs 1.0 The
Big Bang Theory 2.0 How
I Met Your Mother 3.0
New Girl 4.0 Black-ish
5.0 The Goldbergs 6.0
The Big Bang Theory 7.0
Hollyoaks 7.30 Black-ish
8.0 The Big Bang Theory
8.30 Young Sheldon 9.0
Made in Chelsea 10.0
Body Fixers 11.05 The
Big Bang Theory 12.05
Tattoo Fixers 1.10 Made
in Chelsea 2.10 First
Dates 3.05 First Dates
Abroad 3.30 Body Fixers
4.25 Rude(ish) Tube
4.50 Couples Come Dine
With Me
Film4
11.0am The Victors
(1963) 2.05 Crash
Dive (1943) 4.20 Attack! (1956) 6.30
The Fault in Our
Stars (2014) 9.0 Captain America: The First
Avenger (2011) 11.25
Ted (2012) 1.30
The Sessions (2012)
ITV2
6.0am The Planet’s
Funniest Animals 6.20
Totally Bonkers Guinness
World Records 6.45
Totally Bonkers Guinness
World Records 7.10
Who’s Doing the Dishes?
7.55 Emmerdale 8.25
Coronation Street 8.55
Coronation Street 9.25
The Ellen DeGeneres
Show 10.20 The
Bachelorette 11.15 You’ve
Been Framed! Gold
12.15 Emmerdale 12.45
Coronation Street 1.15
Coronation Street 1.45
The Ellen DeGeneres
Show 2.35 The Jeremy
Kyle Show 6.0 You’ve
Been Framed! Gold 8.0
Two and a Half Men 8.30
Superstore 9.0 Family
Guy 9.30 Family Guy
10.0 Plebs 10.30 Family
9.0
BBC Four
Milkshake! 9.15 The Wright
Stuff 11.15 Can’t Pay? We’ll
Take It Away! (T) (R) 12.10
News (T) 12.15 The Gadget
Show (T) (R) 1.10 Access
(T) 1.15 Home and Away (T)
1.45 Neighbours (T) 2.15
The Yorkshire Vet Casebook
(T) (R) 3.20 Murder,
She Baked: A Peach Cobbler
Mystery (Kristoffer Tabori,
2016) Whodunnit starring
Alison Sweeney.(T) 5.0 News
(T) 5.30 Neighbours (T) (R)
6.0 Home and Away (T) (R)
6.30 News (T) 7.0 World’s
Fastest Train (T) (R) The
evolution of the French TGV.
Police Interceptors (T) Paul
“Jacko” Jackson has to draw
his Taser and dog-handler
Mo pursues two stolen cars
through Middlesbrough.
Paddington Station 24/7
(T) Staff at Paddington
prepare themselves for the
passengers who will descend
on the station for the
Cheltenham festival.
7.0
Beyond 100 Days (T) 7.30
Civilisations Stories: The
Remains of Slavery (T)
Miles Chambers explores
the history of the slave
trade in Bristol and Bath.
8.0
The Sky at Night (T) An
edition from April 2016
with Stephen Hawking.
8.30 Hawking (T) Drama
recounting the story of the
late Stephen Hawking’s years
as a PhD student, which saw
the start of his research into
the beginning of time and
the onset of motor neurone
disease.
10.0 Horizon: The Hawking
Paradox (T) Following
Stephen Hawking as he
struggles to write a paper.
10.50 The Search for a New Earth
(T) With Stephen Hawking.
12.20 The French Revolution:
Tearing Up History (T)
1.20 TOTP: 1983 (T) 2.15
Plastic: How It Works (T) 3.15
Civilisations Stories… (T)
Radio
Guy 11.0 American Dad!
11.30 American Dad!
12.05 The Cleveland
Show 12.35 Two and a
Half Men 1.05 Superstore
1.30 Through the Keyhole 2.30 Teleshopping
More4
8.55am Food
Unwrapped 9.30 A
Place in the Sun: Winter
Sun 11.35 Four in a Bed
2.10 Come Dine With
Me 4.50 A Place in the
Sun: Winter Sun 5.55
A New Life in the Sun
6.55 The Secret Life
of the Zoo 7.55 Grand
Designs 9.0 Building
Giants: Super Stadium
10.0 Big Ben: Saving the
World’s Most Famous
Clock 11.40 8 Out of 10
Cats Does Countdown
12.45 Ramsay’s Kitchen
Nightmares USA 1.45
Building Giants: Super
Stadium 2.50 8 Out of
10 Cats 3.30 8 Out of
10 Cats: Best Bits
Sky1
6.0am Animal 999
6.30 Animal 999
7.0 Meerkat Manor
7.30 Meerkat Manor
8.0 Monkey Business
8.30 Monkey Business
9.0 Motorway Patrol
9.30 Motorway Patrol
10.0 Road Wars 11.0
Warehouse 13 12.0 NCIS:
LA 1.0 Hawaii Five-0 2.0
Hawaii Five-0 3.0 NCIS:
LA 4.0 Stargate SG-1
5.0 The Simpsons 5.30
Futurama 6.0 Futurama
6.30 The Simpsons 7.0
The Simpsons 7.30 The
Simpsons 8.0 Supergirl
9.0 Saving
Private Ryan (1998)
12.05 Brit Cops: Rapid
Response 1.0 Ross Kemp:
Extreme World 2.0 Most
Shocking 3.0 Jamestown
4.0 Highway Patrol
4.30 Highway Patrol
5.0 It’s Me or the Dog
Sky Arts
6.0am Eras of Music
History 7.0 Mariinsky
Ballet: Cinderella 9.0
Watercolour Challenge
9.30 Art of the Portrait
10.0 The South Bank
Show Originals 10.30
Tales of the Unexpected
11.0 Classic Albums
12.0 The Eighties 1.0
Discovering: Charlton
Heston 2.0 Watercolour
Challenge 2.30 Art
of the Portrait 3.0
The South Bank Show
Originals 3.30 Tales
of the Unexpected
4.0 Classic Albums
5.0 Too Young to Die
6.0 Discovering: Judy
Garland 7.0 Auction
7.30 Discovering: The
Monkees 8.0 Landscape
Artist of the Year
2017 9.0 André Rieu:
European Dream 10.0
Tate Britain’s Great Art
Walks 11.0 Passions
12.0 Mystery of the Lost
Paintings 1.0 Hollywood:
No Sex, Please 2.0 Sex
& the Silver Screen 3.15
Sex & the Silver Screen
4.30 The South Bank
Show Originals 5.0
Auction 5.30 Auction
Sky Atlantic
6.0am Hotel Secrets
7.0 The British 8.0 The
Guest Wing 9.0 The
West Wing 11.0 House
1.0 Without a Trace
2.0 The British 3.0 The
West Wing 5.0 House
7.0 CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation 8.0 Blue
Bloods 9.0 Westworld
10.20 West:Word 10.50
Last Week Tonight
11.25 Real Time 12.35
The Circus: Inside the
Wildest Political Show
on Earth 1.10 Westworld
2.30 CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation 3.40 High
Maintenance 4.15 The
West Wing
Radio 3
6.30 Breakfast. Georgia
Mann presents. 9.0
Essential Classics. Suzy
Klein’s guest is Dr Michael
Scott. 12.0 Composer of
the Week: Brahms (1/5)
1.0 News 1.02 Lunchtime
Concert: Wigmore Hall
Mondays – Schumann
Quartet. Shostakovich:
String Quartet No 7 in F
sharp minor. Schubert:
String Quartet in A minor,
D804, Rosamunde. 2.0
Afternoon Concert.
Penny Gore presents a
week of performances
by the BBC Scottish
Symphony Orchestra.
5.0 In Tune 7.0 In Tune
Mixtape 7.30 In Concert:
The RPS Awards from
The Brewery in London.
Highlights of Wednesday
night’s ceremony.
10.0 Music Matters
(R) 10.45 The Essay:
To the Barricades! One
Book Above All Others
– Catch-22 (1/5) 11.0
Jazz Now: Cheltenham
– Christian McBride
12.30 Through the Night
Radio 4
Ted, Film4
6.0 Today 9.0 Start the
Week 9.45 (LW) Daily
Service: Family Life –
Sibling Rivalry 9.45 (FM)
Book of the Week: The
Book – A Cover-to-Cover
Exploration of the Most
Powerful Object of Our
Time, by Keith Houston.
(1/5) 10.0 Woman’s
Hour. Includes at 10.45
Drama. Rachel Joyce’s
adaptation of Wuthering
Heights. (1/10) 11.0
The Untold: Worcester
Woman? (2/13) 11.30
The Break: The Longest
Day. Return of the
comedy by Ian Brown
and James Hendrie.
(1/6) 12.0 News 12.01
(LW) Shipping Forecast
12.04 Dr Broks’s
Casebook: The Man
Who Thought He Was
Dead. Neuropsychologist
Paul Broks investigates
the notion of the self.
(R) (1/5) 12.15 You
and Yours 1.0 The
World at One 1.45 The
Assassination: The
Murder (6/10) 2.0 The
Archers (R) 2.15 Drama:
Wild West, by Emmet
Kirwan. 3.0 Brain of
Britain (12/17) 3.30
The Food Programme (R)
4.0 With Great Pleasure:
Katherine Grainger (1/4)
4.30 Beyond Belief: Jane
Eyre (7/7) 5.0 PM 5.54
(LW) Shipping Forecast
6.0 News 6.30 Just a
Minute (1/6) 7.0 The
Archers 7.15 Front Row
7.45 Wuthering Heights
(1/10) 8.0 A Church in
Crisis. The declining role
of the Catholic Church in
Ireland. 8.30 Crossing
Continents (R) 9.0 Is
Eating Plants Wrong? (R)
9.30 Start the Week (R)
10.0 The World Tonight
10.45 Book at Bedtime:
The Female Persuasion,
by Meg Wolitzer. (1/10)
11.0 Word of Mouth
(R) 11.30 Today in
Parliament 12.0 News
12.30 Book of the Week
(R) (1/5) 12.48 Shipping
Forecast 1.0 As World
Service 5.20 Shipping
Forecast 5.30 News 5.43
Prayer for the Day 5.45
Farming Today 5.58
Tweet of the Day (R)
Radio 4 Extra
6.0 High Table, Lower
Orders (6/6) 6.30
John Barry: The Lost
Tapes 7.0 Winston in
Europe (1/6) 7.30 The
Unbelievable Truth (6/6)
8.0 Hancock’s Half Hour
(6/20) 8.30 Flywheel,
Shyster and Flywheel
(5/6) 9.0 Just a Minute
(6/6) 9.30 Bangers and
Mash (2/6) 10.0 The Mill
on the Floss (1/5) 11.0
Short Works: A Season
of Murder, Mystery and
Suspense (5/5) 11.15
Birthday Shoes 12.0
Hancock’s Half Hour
(6/20) 12.30 Flywheel,
Shyster… (5/6) 1.0 High
Table, Lower Orders
(6/6) 1.30 John Barry…
2.0 The Secret History
(11/15) 2.15 Britain on
the Bottle: Alcohol and
the State (1/10) 2.30
Gillespie and I (6/10)
2.45 Falling Upwards
(1/5) 3.0 The Mill on
the Floss (1/5) 4.0
Just a Minute (6/6)
4.30 Bangers and Mash
(2/6) 5.0 Winston in
Europe (1/6) 5.30 The
Unbelievable Truth
(6/6) 6.0 2001: A Space
Odyssey (1/10) 6.15 The
Book of Strange New
Things (1/10) 6.30 A
Good Read (9/10) 7.0
Hancock’s Half Hour
(6/20) 7.30 Flywheel,
Shyster… (5/6) 8.0 High
Table, Lower Orders
(6/6) 8.30 John Barry…
9.0 Short Works (5/5)
9.15 Birthday Shoes
10.0 The Unbelievable
Truth (6/6) 10.30 The
Hitchhiker’s Guide:
Tertiary Phase (3/6)
11.0 The News Quiz
Extra (5/8) 11.45 A
Stuggy Pren (3/5) 12.0
2001: A Space Odyssey
(1/10) 12.15 The Book
of Strange New Things
(1/10) 12.30 A Good
Read (9/10) 1.0 High
Table, Lower Orders
(6/6) 1.30 John Barry…
2.0 The Secret History
(11/15) 2.15 Britain
on the Bottle… (1/10)
2.30 Gillespie and I
(6/10) 2.45 Falling
Upwards (1/5) 3.0 The
Mill on the Floss (1/5)
4.0 Just a Minute (6/6)
4.30 Bangers and Mash
(2/6) 5.0 Winston in
Europe (1/6) 5.30 The
Unbelievable Truth (6/6)
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
15
•
Friday’s
solutions
Quick crossword
Wordsearch
Across
1 Plump (6)
4 Covered with soft down (6)
9 One having a nap (7)
10 Preside over (a meeting) (5)
11 Beat (5)
12 Like a fox — liven up (anag) (7)
13 Flatten (11)
18 Serene (7)
20 Sweeper (5)
22 Blimey! (2,3)
23 Most stressed (7)
24 Fighting in a ring (6)
25 Convoluted (6)
1
Sudoku no 4,057
Down
1 Universe (6)
2 Submarine (1-4)
3 Portable rocket launcher (7)
5 Public house (5)
6 Easily broken (7)
7 Delivery pitching directly under
the bat (6)
8 Deliberately withhold
information (11)
14 Boarding school food container
(4,3)
15 Country associated with cedar
trees (7)
16 Composure (6)
17 Forger’s workshop (6)
19 Hollywood actor, Errol, d. 1959
(5)
21 Unconcealed (5)
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
22
20
21
23
24
25
Stuck? For help call 0906 200 83 83. Calls cost £1.10 per minute, plus your phone company’s access charge.
Service supplied by ATS. Call 0330 333 6946 for customer service (charged at standard rate).
To buy puzzle books, visit guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846.
Suguru
Sudoku
no 4,059
Easy. Fill the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 box
contains the numbers 1-9. Printable version at theguardian.
com/sudoku
Word wheel
SWORDPLAY
Saturday’s Quick
crossword
Solution no 14,980
B
U
B R
N
W I
S
H
C
O V
N
C H
U
R E
I C
R
E A
C
C K
E
A R
M
E R
R
I V
C
A C
E P
O
K S
T
H
A
P S
T
S E
P
E S
N
T
S
O
I
E
W
L
E
E V
E
R R
A
C H
O
N
T
E X
U
R I
O C
O
E N
I
I F
E
O R
C
C O
I
P O
U
T H
Word wheel
Suguru
Wordsearch
Find as many words as
possible using the letters
in the wheel. Each must
use the central letter and
at least two others. Letters
may be used only once. You
may not use plurals, foreign
words or proper nouns.
There is at least one nineletter word to be found.
TARGET: Excellent-40.
Good-37. Average-28.
Fill the grid so that each square
in an outlined block contains a
digit. A block of 2 squares contains
the digits 1 and 2, a block of three
squares contains the digits 1, 2 and
3, and so on. No same digit appears
in neighbouring squares, not even
diagonally.
Can you find 13 words meaning
“cry” in the grid? Words can run
forwards, backwards, vertically or
diagonally, but always in a straight,
unbroken line.
K S
E
E D
U
I C
E
D
I
V E
E
R T
S
E
Steve Bell
If…
Pet
corner
Which French
philosopher had
a fluffy cat
called Nothing?
a. Sartre
b. Camus
c. De Beauvoir
d. Foucault
Answer top right
16
The Guardian
Monday 14 May 2018
TODAY’S PET CORNER ANSWER SARTRE
Puzzles
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