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The Times Times 2 - 17 May 2018

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May 17 | 2018
With apologies to
Kate and William
Harry, can I stop smiling yet?
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Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
times2
‘Tom used to
Harry, darling, it’s a
fairytale, but is that a
pea I feel in my back?
Deborah Ross
A
fairytale for our
times, and one
that may have
a moral by the
end, if I can
think of one.
Once upon a
time, a young
prince from England met a young
actress from over the sea and
they lay under the sparkling stars
in Botswana and planned a life
together. They were in love, so
excited, and when he asked her to
marry him, she accepted readily
and gazed deep into his eyes and
said: “Darling, I look forward to
many, many years of the media
undermining our marriage and
generally screwing us over, the
sick bastards.” And the prince
kissed her and said: “That’s the
ticket, old girl. Spot on.”
So the wedding day was set and
the venue was booked and the
horses were groomed and the
ermine was brushed and the gold
carriages were buffed to a high
shine and the future princess
busied herself with future
princessy things, such as shaking
hands and carrying a handbag
and pretending to be interested in
one boring charity after another.
She did this with grace and
warmth. She was impressive, in
many ways. She was smart and
beautiful. She’d had a career,
and put in years of hard graft. She
was a feminist and a campaigner
for women’s rights. She was a
self-realised, self-sufficient adult.
But all she ever seemed to hear,
again and again, was “American”
and “biracial” and “divorced”.
She knew she had signed up for
many, many years of the media
generally screwing her over, the
sick bastards, but even so it was
hard. Most nights, she would cry
into her pillow, wishing she was
Underwear
that will
never smell
Have you read about
“the world’s most
advanced underwear?”
These are pants made
of nylon, but treated
with “silver salt”, which
kills 99.9 per cent of
bacteria and fungi that
“create bad odours”.
They’re available
online, at £20 a throw,
from the Danish-led,
San Francisco-based
start-up Organic
some empty, aristocratic virgin
who had attended finishing
school in Switzerland and would
never have amounted to anything
in her own right.
“Why can’t I be some empty,
aristocratic virgin who had
attended finishing school in
Switzerland,” she would weep,
“then I wouldn’t have to put up
with all this sneering crap?”
Her fiancé was consoling.
“Beloved,” he said, “you are
a modern woman, it’s 2018 and
I’m only disappointed you’re
not trans.”
She was not consoled,
particularly as she had felt
something pressing into her back
in the early hours. Was it a pea?
Was this the Queen testing her?
Would it never end? But, as it
turned out, it was only her fiancé’s
penis, so they had a good laugh
about that even though, as he
later had it leaked to the Daily
Express, it’s not that small.
Then her family began to truck
up. Or not truck up. Her father,
who lives a quiet life and has
heart trouble, said he would now
be too embarrassed to give her
away, as planned, once it was
discovered he had staged his own
paparazzi shots, which is certainly
Basics, and are being
sold under the slogan:
“Never wash your
underwear again!”
(Just kidding. But
seriously, you won’t
need to wash your
underwear for weeks
with our basics.)
Interesting. But. They
seem to be available
only as boxers for men.
Why would this be so?
Anyone have any
ideas? True, I have seen
a man retrieve
yesterday’s pants from
the laundry basket,
sniff them, then swing
them round his head,
which is held to be
William Cash remembers the first time
he met Tom Wolfe — at his New York
home. Their friendship lasted decades
not something Princess Diana
would ever have done, before the
paparazzi hounded her to death.
True, our future princess knew
what she had signed up for, yet
she still longed for her own
average family with its average
problems to be more like those
families that chop off people’s
heads and suck up to the Nazis
and shoot stags for sport and are
adulterers and cruelly dispatch
their children to boarding school
at a horrifically young age.
She cried nightly into her pillow
about this too — “my family
couldn’t have sucked up to the
Nazis the once?” — and vowed to
suck up to any Nazi that happened
along, “because you don’t get
called trashy for that”. She did not
know if she could ever shoot a stag
for sport, because stags are so
fabulous and magnificent, “but if
that’s what it takes to be classy, I’ll
give it my best!”
And so the royal bride and royal
groom prepared for their wedding
day, as the media generally
screwed them over, the sick
bastards. And the moral, if there
is one? No family could withstand
such scrutiny, but that is never
going to matter. Also, don’t
assume it’s a pea. Usually, it’s not.
ALAMY
freshening — this was
the answer I received
when I challenged the
swinging; it’s
“freshening”. Even so.
And I can’t be sure
they were yesterday’s
pants. They may have
been yesterday’s as
well as the day before’s
and maybe even the
day before that’s.
Also, I remember
going on a fortnight’s
holiday with my
teenage son and
discovering, when we
got home, that he had
worn one pair of pants
14 times, and the others
not at all.
Meanwhile, those
who have already
bought a pair seem
delighted with their
purchase. Indeed, as
Rupert wrote in his
review: “I got a little
hot and sweaty
cooking up dinner on
Saturday over a hot
stove, but I immediately
noticed that my
boxers didn’t feel sticky,
clingy or warm.”
TMI, my friend, TMI.
But cooking, it does go
straight to your pants.
(MY PANTS ARE SO
HOT!) So I certainly
hope they make them
for women soon.
Y
es, the Man in the
White Suit did live in
exactly the sort of
marble-floored duplex
apartment — with a
private elevator
vestibule — that was
owned by Sherman
McCoy, the bond trader protagonist
of The Bonfire of the Vanities: “. . . one
of those fabled apartments that the
world, le monde, died for!”
On arriving at Tom Wolfe’s one on
East 79th Street for the first time, I was
ushered into a mahogany lift by
Wolfe’s doorman. Again, as in the
Upper East Side “co-op” owned by
McCoy — who is going broke on a
million dollars a year — the doorman
wore a green livery uniform like a
wigged courtier from the 19th-century
Austrian court.
Wolfe became my literary hero and
we got to know each other in the
1990s. At Cambridge I wrote a
15,000-word thesis as part of my
English finals on “Literary NonFiction: The Satire of Tom Wolfe”, full
of references to Swift and Juvenal. I
brazenly sent Wolfe a copy with a
letter on Times headed paper asking
to interview him. I was a graduate
trainee at the time.
Whenever I had correspondence
from Tom — whether fax or letter
(never email) — his baroque signature
was unmistakable. After receiving my
thesis, he politely replied in a typed
letter, addressing me as “Mr Cash” and
thanking me for it. He said he was
“fascinated” to read it and generously
wrote that he was “impressed”.
“I might add that since you mention
me in the same breath with Evelyn
Waugh, Thackeray and Wyndham
Lewis - - - you’ll notice I say the same
breath and not the same league - - - I
now feel positively historic. But alas, I
have been forced to put my feet in the
stocks to compel myself to complete a
book against a ferocious deadline.
Once that’s out of the way, you’re on.”
The letter (with triple hyphens) was
sent to the old Times offices in
Wapping, east London, where I
worked, and was dated January 31,
1991. Over the next few years, we kept
in touch as I kept gently asking how
he was getting on with his new novel. I
would receive back a typed letter, the
signature often more floral and rococo
than the previous time, saying he was
still trying to finish the book, although
“God knows when that’s going to be”.
It wasn’t until 1998 that we first met.
As the mahogany-panelled lift jerked
to a stop on the 14th floor of his
apartment block, I was greeted by a
grey-haired Wolfe looking like a
literary Beau Brummell. He was
decked out in full ceremonial armour:
an 18th century-looking three-piece,
double-breasted suit and a white shirt
with burgundy stripes fitted with a stiff
— to the point of choking— white
collar, like an Elizabethan ruff.
We sat down in a sprawling drawing
room decorated with yellow sofas and
cream armchairs. “Southerners,” the
Virginia-born author said, “like to
decorate in canary yellow.”
When I asked why it had taken
seven years to write his follow-up
novel to Bonfire, Wolfe replied: “Mr
Cash, I find it hard to write if I have
any money in my bank account.” His
advance when he signed his contract
with the publisher Farrar, Straus and
Giroux in 1989 was $7.5 million.
“I was kind of wallowing in my
success after Bonfire,” he said. “A
foreign publisher would invite me to
some country I’d never been to and I’d
go and have a wonderful time. It
became a disease.”
He had no secretary, no computer
and “no idea” how to “surf” the
internet. “I think it’s one of the great
time-wasters of all time.” He still did
all his own “reporting”, using a
notebook and pen.
I asked if he thought large advances
were bad for writers. “Yes,” he said.
“Writers who strike it big probably
shouldn’t have as much money as they
get. Being pressed was what kept
Dickens going full tilt.”
The evening before we met, I had
been crossing the street by the Mark
Hotel when I happened to see Wolfe
carrying an umbrella and wearing
what looked like a tracksuit. This
unlikely outfit led to me asking him if
I could see his “personal closet” to see
if, in addition to 40 tailored white
suits, he owned any “civilian” clothes
or, God forbid, any jeans or sneakers.
But he refused. “My wardrobe is not
available for interview,” he said in his
southern drawl. “I’ve never opened my
closet of ‘trick suits’ to the press.”
There are some things that the
obituary writers have forgotten about
Wolfe. One is that he didn’t publish his
first novel until he was 57. This gave
him great literary status anxiety since
his nonfiction books were not how he
wanted to be judged. To get to the top
table he had to be a novelist like his
heroes Zola, Dickens and Balzac. The
trepidation of being a debutant
novelist at such an age had caused
him to retire to bed in the weeks
before Bonfire hit the stands in New
York, in October 1987, just before the
stock market crash of Black Monday.
Sherman McCoy, of course, was the
first “Master of the Universe”.
“Everything in terms of reputation
and money — and I had borrowed
obscene amounts of money — hung
on Bonfire. But most of all my
reputation,” he said. “I was extremely
nervous. And so had practically every
malady I could dream up. Suddenly I
had gout, and my back went out, and I
was all hunched over . . .”
The pains immediately subsided
once the (mostly) roaring reviews
and sales figures came in. Sales
were helped by the fact that Wolfe’s
skewering of the white plump meat
of American capitalism — this “great
fat fowl of a continent” — hit the
stands just as Wall Street suffered
the greatest single-day loss since
the crash of 1929. Bonfire was No 1
on the New York Times bestseller
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
3
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fax me. I’d send him books’
GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY
The lowdown
Laurel or yanny
So which side are you on in the
debate of the year?
Is this another royal wedding thing?
Because I am truly peak Markle.
Yawn. That’s hardly the most
important thing going on this week.
In whose world?
Er, the internet’s?
Known for its discerning taste . . .
Says you, who doesn’t even know
what the debate is actually about.
Well then please fill me in!
OK. Do you remember #TheDress?
No.
list for two months and sold more
than 800,000 copies in hardback.
Wolfe was the scourge of the
American liberal left for nearly 50
years — he died aged 88. His
excoriating attack on The New Yorker
— “Tiny Mummies! The True Story of
the Ruler of 43rd Street’s Land of the
Walking Dead” — remains one of the
most savage maulings of a magazine.
They have never forgiven him for it, or
his conservative politics, not even after
his death. Adam Gopnik of The New
Yorker wrote a diplomatically phrased
appraisal of his books, comparing him
more to Disraeli than Dickens.
Certainly Wolfe’s gleeful flamegrilling of racial, ethnic and economic
tensions in New York would have the
social media wires burning today on
outrage levels. The bestselling success
of Bonfire shows how the left does not
always have a cultural monopoly in
fiction or drama. In today’s political
culture, it is possible that Bonfire may
have been rejected by some publishers
as being too xenophobic or racially
provocative by the liberal cultural
police (the “limousine liberals” that
he skewered in his essay Radical Chic).
Another thing that none of the
obituaries has mentioned is that the
reason it took Wolfe so long to write
Bonfire is that, as Wolfe told me, it had
to be entirely rewritten. McCoy was
not originally a bond trader but rather
a celebrity author of the Truman
Capote/Norman Mailer variety. The
serialised novel had appeared in 27
instalments in Rolling Stone magazine
starting in 1984.
Why the big change from author to
bond trader? Wolfe said that your
average reader couldn’t identify or
empathise with the cocoon-like world
of a famous New York writer. But
everybody could relate to a salesman,
so he turned McCoy into a trader.
“I mean, what can you do with a
celebrity?” he said. “All you can [do] is
deflate him. I loved the world of the
bond trader because for most people
finance is a dark continent.”
Wolfe was essentially a moralist in
the tradition of Mark Twain. The
reason for Bonfire’s success was that
Wolfe gave the reader a rollercoaster
ride from the co-ops of Park Avenue
Tom Wolfe in his
New York apartment.
Top right: Tom Hanks
as Sherman McCoy in
the 1990 film of The
Bonfire of the Vanities
When he
crossed his
legs, I saw
polka dot
white
stockings
to the holding pens of the Bronx. The
novel’s hero is the “incomprehensible
power” of the great metropolis of New
York itself, what Wolfe called the
“billion-footed city”.
The most interesting thing about
our encounter was that he went out of
his way to distance himself from being
labelled a satirist in the tradition I had
described in my lengthy thesis. “I have
never wanted to think of myself as a
satirist because to me satire means
amusing but second-rate,” he said. “I
want to see myself as whatever the
big-league writer is. When I wrote
Bonfire the word ‘satire’ never entered
my mind. I was in joyful awe of the
way life was being led in New York
City.” I never quite knew whether he
was joking about not being a satirist.
We kept in touch by letter and fax
after our meeting. “I like faxes,” he
said. “But I hate being woken up in the
middle of the night by that whirring
noise the machine makes.”
I’d sometimes send him books or
articles I thought he might enjoy. He
even gave me his private fax number
(and the number of his journalist
daughter, Alexandra). He didn’t strike
me as a phone conversation sort of
man. During our first meeting his
phone had rung several times and had
been picked up by his maid, who
would say: “Tom Wolfe’s residence.”
I would get faxes from the strangest
places, such as obscure libraries in the
Midwest, when he was out on the road
on the US lecture circuit for which he
earned up to $20,000 an hour. He
liked the lecture circuit because that
was what Dickens had done to stay
solvent. “I have always wanted to be a
popular writer,” he told me.
The effect of Wolfe’s ice-cream
armoured regalia, however, meant that
you never felt you could get that close
to him. He was always quite guarded.
He said he had no desire to write a
novel in the first person, nor to write a
soul-revealing autobiography. I once
asked if he was an atheist. “Well, yes,”
he replied. “Getting right down to it.”
His clothes, like his handwriting,
were a form of disguise or literary
costume. During that first meeting,
when he crossed his legs, I noticed he
was wearing polka-dot white stockings
up to his knee. They seemed to send a
sartorially coded message not to take
everything he said entirely seriously.
He was always scrupulously polite
and funny, such as when I asked him
to sign a battered copy of Bonfire. “To
William Cash,” he scrawled. “Who
knows my work better than I do.”
Grr. The one that divided the world
over whether it was black and blue
or white and gold?
Oh. Vaguely. Yes. What about it?
Well, this debate is like that except
it is an audio clip. Some people who
listen to it hear the word “laurel”
and some hear “yanny”.
Weird.
Very. Anyway, it first appeared on
Reddit, and it has gone viral. Even
MPs are debating it.
God, really? Does anyone care?
Apparently, yes. The Twitter camps
are getting into quite a feud, each
with more than 300,000 retweets.
But surely it will never be resolved.
Wrong. Just like what colours you
thought #TheDress was, whether
you hear #YannyOrLaurel is down
to science, in this case, frequency.
Compelling! Go on.
The part of the sound that makes
someone hear “yanny” is a higher
frequency than that which makes
someone hear “laurel”. Depending
what frequency the ear emphasises,
you hear one or the other. It could
also show your age — the older we
get, the less sensitivity our ears
have for high frequency.
Interesting. So it’s more a question
of: how bad is your hearing?
Yes. Exactly.
In that case, I suppose I have to ask,
what did you hear?
Hannah Rogers
4
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Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
times2
When Harry weds Meghan: the
Will Elton John sing, will Chelsy show up and will
there be a Pippa-style upstaging of the bride? Spot
them all and win points, says Stuart Heritage
The inevitable Beatrice/Eugenie
hat disaster
When Kate Middleton and Prince
William got married, the sisters rocked
up to the ceremony wearing hats that
can only be described as “two different
kinds of space-vagina”. It’s hard to
know how they’ll top it, but by God
they’ll give it a shot.
One point More genitalia hats
Two points Animated puppet hats
Three points Hats made of actual
frozen human vomit
Someone references The Crown
Whether it’s on TV or just in your
viewing party, the moment that
anyone does anything even remotely
memorable, someone will say: “Ooh,
look out for this in series six.”
One point If someone falls over
Two points If there’s an argument
Three points If someone stands up
and embarks on a grandstanding
speech about the nature of the
monarchy in the 21st century
The Nigel Farage tweet
This is a man who commemorated the
Queen’s Speech by posting a picture of
himself watching a microwave-top TV
like a dog at a butcher’s window.
How will he mark the wedding?
One point Hiding in a bush and
watching it through binoculars
Two points Saluting some
bunting
Three points Getting hammered
on Spitfire ale and throwing up
on his mother’s wedding dress
Someone patronises
Harry’s exes
There’s precedent for inviting
ex-girlfriends to royal weddings
— Prince William invited four of
his — so expect to see Chelsy
Davy and Cressida Bonas in
attendance. And if you
do, expect at least one
commentator to pity them
in uncomfortable terms.
One point “Cressida, there,
clearly yearning for a future that
will never be”
Two points “Chelsy Davy, who
has an ‘it should have been me’
look about her”
Three points “And there are the
cobwebby spinsters, Chelsy and
Cressida, doomed to marry
each other or die alone”
The dress
Meghan Markle’s wedding
dress will be instantly
iconic. But how iconic?
One point A dress expert
praises it wildly on TV
Two points A two-grand
lookalike dress immediately
sells out on Net-a-Porter
Three points A drunk
woman is photographed
throwing up in a hastily
produced Asda knock-off
before sunset
THE BEST FRIEN
DS
Harry Aubrey-Fletcher, Thomas
van Straubenzee, Guy Pelly and
Tom Inskip. Left, from top:
Millie Mackintosh, Cressida Bonas,
Chelsy Davy and Elton John
MADE IN CHELSEA
THE EXES
THE VIP
D
Downmarket
celebrity spotting
Wedding guests are thought to
include the Beckhams, Elton John
aand Serena Williams. But keep
your eyes peeled for some less
iimpressive faces.
One point Someone from Suits,
looking bewildered
Two points Someone from
EastEnders, looking embarrassed
E
Three points Someone from
Made in Chelsea, wrongly looking as
M
if they deserve to be there
A frantic search for the new Pippa
Meghan’s bridesmaids are all children,
but all the female guests will have seen
how famous Pippa Middleton’s bum
made her last time around. Who’ll be
crowned Sex Bomb of the Wedding?
One point Meghan’s friend
Lindsay Roth
Two points Meghan’s former co-star
Janina Gavankar
Three points The Duke of Edinburgh
The Queen smiles
Despite having spent the past
half-decade looking relentlessly
thunderous, in recent years the
Queen has infinitesimally
llightened up, threatening to
ssmile on such occasions as
meeting David Attenborough
m
aand her own birthday. What will
sshe do here?
One point Smile
O
Two points Grin
Three points Go “Wazzup”
while doing a hang-ten sign
w
with her hands
w
An unofficial game of Guess
A
tthe American
There will be two types of guest
T
at this wedding. The British, who will
all look damp and withered and
tweedy and grey-toothed. And
the Americans, who will uniformly
llook like denture-wearing android
sex dolls.
One point You spot one American
Two points You spot two Americans
Three points You spot an American
and a Made in Chelsea cast member
accidentally mistaking each other for
their own reflection
Meghan’s brother goes off-piste
Meghan’s estranged half-brother
Thomas is said to be travelling to the
UK to assume punditry duties for
various broadcasters. Given that he
recently wrote an open letter urging
Prince Harry to call the wedding off,
expect to see at least one of his
statements bookended by a shot of the
BBC presenter Dermot O’Leary’s face
draining entirely of blood.
One point “Meghan has destroyed
my family”
Two points “Meghan doesn’t
deserve this”
Three points “Meghan has a stray
nipple on one of her knees”
A minor American inaccuracy
goes viral
Some poor US news anchor is bound
to get a minor fact about the UK
wrong, and we won’t be able to get
enough of it.
One point They say that Windsor is
in London
Two points They say that Buckingham
Palace is in Buckinghamshire
Three points They attempt to say
“Leicester Square” and end up having
some sort of stroke
Other unfortunate pundits
Score whenever any of the following
appear on TV to discuss the wedding:
One point Caroline Flack; Meghan’s
ex-husband
Two points Paul Burrell; Will Carling
Three points Mohamed Al Fayed; an
actual uniformed Nazi
Sky runs out of angles early
Somewhat preposterously, the Sky
News coverage of the royal wedding
will begin at 6.30am. At what point
will Kay Burley have burnt through all
her planned talking points and just sit
there shrugging?
One point Midday
Two points 10am
Three points 6.37am
A member of the public becomes
hysterical
A big part of the TV coverage will
involve hosts chatting to members of
the public about the wedding.
One point Alex Jones approaches a
bewilderingly excited royalist
Two points Alex Jones approaches
some smart-mouthed youths
Three points Alex Jones approaches
a visibly aggressive drunk
Princess Michael does something
palpably racist
Sure, she knows to keep the
blackamoor brooch at home this time.
However, you should expect some
other sort of tone-deaf comment from
Princess Michael of Kent on the
wedding day.
One point Blackamoor socks
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
5
1G T
times2
alternative royal wedding guide
THE TV SHOW
COVER COMPOSITE: GETTY IMAGES. BELOW: ALISA CONAN FOR THE TIMES; CHRIS MCANDREW FOR THE TIMES; GETTY IMAGES; REUTERS; NETFLIX
The Crown
THE VENUE
On point
One
i Sensibly loose for a
woman in her condition
Two points A bit tighter than
you’d expect, but she’s probably
got a muumuu in a carrier in her
handbag for later
Three points Absolutely
skin-tight. Remember this bum,
world? Well it’s back.
Huw Edwards fixates at length
on a meaningless detail about the
royal carriage
And who could blame him? Given
the sheer impossibility of making
David and
20 minutes of wordless footage of a
Victoria Beckham
coach clattering around a town seem
interesting or fun, you would also
retreat into the failsafe of trivia.
One point “Here are the shops that
line the route”
Two points “Here are the names
of the horses”
Three points “The
landau style of
carriage was first
produced in
the German
university
town of
Landau,
HOW DID which
was
w
YOU SCORE?
incidentally
declared to be an
TURN TO autonomous free imperial
Princess Eugenie
PAGE 6
e
ric
at
Be
town by King Rudolf I
and Princess
in 1291”
One of Prince Harry’s pals is
Prince William’s response
visibly hungover
When William got married,
The prince’s friends include some
Harry saw Kate coming down notorious party animals, such as Tom
the
Inskip, Arthur Landon and Guy Pelly.
t aisle first and whispered
his
One of them is bound to be the worse
h approval to his brother. How
will
for wear on the wedding day, but how
w Wills repay this gesture?
One
hungover will they be?
On point A whisper
Two
One point Messy hair
T points A wink
Three points An audible “Phwoar”
Two points Sunglasses
accompanied by wild fist-pumping
Three points A sneaky vomit in a bin
THE GUESTS
Two points A hat with Bill Cosby
on it
Three points A Native
American headdress
What will Elton John do?
Elton John isn’t just
attending the wedding,
he’s attending in the
middle of his farewell
tour. How will he
attempt to make the news?
One point Showing up in an
ostentatious blazer
Two points Swearing on live TV
Three points Rewriting Candle in the
Wind again, this time to make it more
about Suits
An adult projects thoughts on to
the royal children
It’s unlikely that Huw Edwards
will Johnny Morris a charming
monologue over a shot of a royal
child during the service, but don’t
forget that Phillip Schofield is doing
the duties on ITV. That guy is
shameless.
One point “Mummy, I’m bored”
Two points “When will I be a
princess, Mummy?”
Three points “Surely we should be
a republic by now, Mummy”
Pippa’s dress
Pippa Middleton is pregnant, so she’ll
be wearing something looser than
usual. But how tight will it be?
THE STYLE
The Spencers
Never ones to let public events go
unexploded, the Spencers are bound to
make headlines. But how?
One point The Spencer sisters wear
something daringly low-cut
Two points Charles Spencer barges to
the front of the chapel and performs
an unscheduled reading
Three points Charles Spencer
interrupts the service by standing at
the back of the chapel and screaming,
“DIANA! DIANA!” like Dustin
Hoffman at the end of The Graduate
The wedding will be labelled a
“boost for Brexit”
Someone, somewhere will call the
wedding “a sign to the world that
Britain is open for business” because
nothing says “competitive economy”
like a society that still loses its
mind over a thousand-year-old
dynastic aristocracy.
One point It’s muttered by a
fusty pundit
Two points It’s a newspaper headline
Three points It’s egregiously written
along the side of a bus
How to throw
a cool royal
wedding party
If I were to write the British
citizenship test, it would go like
this: can you acknowledge royal
weddings, jubilees and coronations
without rolling your eyes? Can you
see the fragile beauty in cheap
corner-shop bunting? Would you
be open to donning a novelty
crown for a family photo? No
to all of the above? Then
you don’t belong here, you
treasonous fun-sponge.
On the assumption that
you’ve
’vee passed my test, you’ll
already be planning to watch the
wedding this weekend, but why not
throw a party? If the idea of a
royal-wedding bash seems a bit
naff, consider this: Meghan and
Harry are the coolest royal couple
we’ve had. Not realistically in line
for the throne and both with
interesting experience under their
belt, they are just like us, but better
looking and wealthier. If you still
feel self-conscious about it, you can
always pretend your party is ironic.
If you’re left-wing and/or
anti-Brexit, this is probably going
to be one of the rare moments
when you will feel comfortable
with hanging Union Jacks, so go
for it. The Cotton Bunting
Company has ten reusable metres
for £22 (cottonbunting.co.uk).
Partyrama.co.uk has amusing
cardboard royal masks for £2.20
(Harry, Meghan, William, Kate,
Philip and the Queen).
The couple are due to marry at
midday, so invite friends from
11am. You should limit the guest
list to as many as will reasonably
be afforded a view of the TV. BBC
One’s coverage goes on until 2pm,
but there are only a handful of key
moments that anyone cares about:
the arrival of the famous guests
(please, Beatrice, go even bigger
with the hat this time); the arrival
of the bride; the romantic bits of
the ceremony; and the initial
waving and (hopefully) kissing
segments of the carriage ride.
While there’s an argument for
serving quaint English treats such
as cucumber sandwiches, why not
try Meghan’s way? For brunch she’s
said to enjoy healthy acai bowls
with almond milk and coconut
flakes, or oats with fruit and bee
pollen; for lunch, fish tacos. Or
perhaps it’s easier to do as Harry
would — just buy a lot of crisps.
The booze is of the utmost
importance. Everyone should have
a glass in their hand by noon.
Serve Meghan’s favourite wine,
Tignanello (£110 a bottle from
Selfridges), or, in Harry’s honour,
vodka and Red Bull. When the
drink runs out, head for the pub,
which will be full of people like
you: drunk on love, short-lived
patriotism and bargain prosecco.
Hattie Crisell
6
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Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
times2
SPLASH NEWS
Royal v Sloane
weddings: it’s
an Eton mess
Saturday’s bash won’t be like the
marquee affairs Harry’s used to, says
Matthew Bell, former Tatler insider
H
aving spent much of
his life as a spare
man, Prince Harry
knows his way round
a society wedding.
He has attended
countless grand
couplings, in which
the bride’s teeth would flash as fiercely
as her diamonds and the bridegroom’s
cheeks glow redder than a Cornish
sunset. That’s the trouble with smart
weddings — they’re so alike they risk
merging into one.
This Saturday will be different.
Partly because the bride does not
come from the usual Astor-Percy-Van
Cutsem-Meade-GrosvenorStraubenzee gene pool, but also
because, as a royal event, it is part
state occasion and only part Hooray
orgy. Here are eight key differentiators
that will set Harry’s big day apart from
most weddings he has been to.
The church
Ninety per cent of marrying Sloanes
emerge from a tiny stone church
in GL7. The other 10 per cent get
married in a cathedral — Salisbury,
Peterborough, Chester. This is because
truly grand families have usually at
some point built one. Harry’s
ancestors created the religion, which
affords him an even wider choice of
venue. St George’s Chapel in Windsor
Castle is the perfect size; large enough
for grandeur, small enough to give
the couple an excuse not to invite
D Trump or T May, among others.
The guests
A typical county wedding is
200-strong, rising to 450 for the real
stonkers. That’s because bride and
groom will usually each have dozens
of cousins, many of them inter-related,
all of whom have to be asked. To keep
numbers down a “no ring, no bring”
policy can be applied, meaning only
spouses or fiancés of friends make the
cut. Many of Meghan and Harry’s
friends come from more modern
circles, so this rule is unlikely to be
deployed. At most Sloane weddings
there are a smattering of celebrities.
On Saturday there will be busloads.
The venue
Even the grandest houses rarely have
indoor space to seat 200 for lunch.
And if they do, the mother of the bride
does not want caviar smeared into the
swagging. So the marquee in the
garden remains the preferred wedding
venue. Harry and Meghan are having
two receptions: one for 600, hosted by
the Queen; the second for 200, hosted
by Prince Charles. The first takes place
in St George’s Hall in Windsor Castle
and will feel more like a state banquet.
The second, at nearby Frogmore
House, will feel like a typical Sloane
wedding: champagne on the lawn,
then dinner and wild dancing. When
Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly had
their wedding there ten years ago, a
marquee was erected on the terrace
adjoining the house to create a
dancefloor. Royal party planners like
to follow established protocol, so this
will probably be the plan for Saturday.
The best man’s speech
Every best man must tread the line
between witty and “too far”. Prince
William is an old hand and knows
better than to make bawdy asides
about Vegas pool parties or SS
uniforms. However, the groom must
squirm, and Sloanes love a bit of ritual
humiliation. So there will be banter
about why it took so long for Harry to
settle down and what exactly he put in
that roast chicken to make Meghan
say yes. It’s thought that Meghan plans
to make a speech, which would never
normally happen. The rule with
speeches is to keep them short
because everyone longs to get back to
drinking. There is a danger that
Meghan will make the mistake of
thinking she’s at the Oscars.
The menu
As a rule, the Sloane palate veers
towards the bland. It’s all about
nursery food such as shepherd’s pie
and Eton mess, recipes in which the
ingredients are splodged into one dish.
Saturday’s fare will be more showy.
The bride is a foodie and named her
blog The Tig after a fashionable Italian
wine, Tignanello. Harry has a duty to
champion British expertise and the
royal kitchens like to showcase
seasonal British ingredients. So there
may be timbales of asparagus,
artichoke mousse and broad-bean
purees, modern British twists on the
delights of the English summer
garden. Veganism is still very much on
trend and will doubtless be well
catered for — no nut logs here.
The cake
Harry and Meghan have chosen an
organic lemon and elderflower
wedding cake made by an east London
hipster. This would never happen with
Prince Harry at the
wedding of James
Meade and Lady Laura
Marsham in Norfolk
a normal Sloane wedding cake, which
would be more likely to have a go-go
girl bursting out of it than actually
taste nice. Hoorays love a food fight
and it has been known for the bride to
have her face shoved into a pile of
cream, as happened at the second
wedding of Ashley Hicks (a cousin of
Prince Charles).
The bridesmaids
Meghan has chosen to have only
children follow her down the aisle.
It had been thought she would have
a maid-of-honour and other
bridesmaids, but she scotched this plan
after tactfully saying that she couldn’t
decide which of her girlfriends to
choose. English brides usually have a
few best friends as bridesmaids, who
tacitly do not upstage the bride. This
rule was unforgivably broken by Pippa
Middleton at her sister’s wedding, in
what became known as “bottom-gate”.
The etiquette
Observing the mafia code of omerta is
the golden rule of being friends with
the princes. Any breach and you’re
out. This means “insta-bans” on
sharing pictures, and taking pictures at
all is considered infra dig when royals
are present. Harry and Meghan are
going a step farther and requesting
that all picture-taking devices are
surrendered. As at all royal functions,
guests will need photo ID. Staff at
Windsor have reportedly been
watching Suits, the better to know who
is who among the bride’s friends.
Royal wedding bingo — how did you score?
0-10 points
This has either been
an incredibly dull
wedding or you weren’t
paying attention. Either
way, it’s finished now.
Go outside.
11-50 points
Not a bad showing at all.
The wedding was
memorable enough, but
nothing special. Now
enjoy the brief time off
before Meghan gets
pregnant and all this
hoopla starts again.
51-1,000 points
My God, what a burning
train wreck this was.
It made your wedding
look placid in
comparison, and yours
ended with a fistfight
in a toilet cubicle.
May we never speak of
this again, but look at
the photos often.
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
7
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the table
Britain’s most famous maitre d’
and a million-pound meal deal
DAVID YEO FOR THE TIMES
First he hosted a
dating show, now
Fred Sirieix is the
anchor of a foodie
Dragons’ Den.
By Lucy Holden
Darlington accent that’s survived five
years in the Ritz’s kitchens, where
she met Lambert, the first female
sommelier employed by the hotel in
more than 100 years. They appear in
the first episode, and it’s touch and go
whether an investor will come up with
the £600,000 that they’re asking for as
the clock ticks down to the deadline.
It’s excruciatingly brilliant television.
Sirieix says that there are tears in
most episodes, and he understands the
anguish. “When I was 20 years old I
was working in a three-Michelinstarred restaurant and dreamt of
opening my own place. Most people in
the industry do at some point, so to
take people through that process was
very exciting.”
Sirieix never did open his own place.
The problem, he says, was “I wanted it
to be perfect, I didn’t want to be
driving a car and crash it”.
He’s also well aware of how
gruelling it can be to run your own
restaurant. Drink and drugs have
perhaps never been so associated with
one industry, but last year Gordon
F
red Sirieix is shadowboxing on the 28th floor
of the Hilton hotel on
Park Lane. He’s annoyed
with his left leg, which is
reluctant to move
forward at the same time
as his fists, leaving his
stomach exposed to an imaginary
opponent. “When it goes forward,
I can do this,” he says, planting a
punch that lands a few millimetres
short of my nose. “It’s all about the
footwork. The basics of boxing are
the basics of good service.”
I’m here because the dashing
Frenchman is the anchor of a new
television series, Million Pound Menu,
which starts tonight. The blueprint is
part Dragons’ Den, part MasterChef:
wannabe restaurateurs showcase their
concept to influential business people
in the hope of securing a big
investment for a bricks and mortar
business. Among the “dragons” are the
Michelin-starred chef Atul Kochhar
and Lydia Forte, the glamorous
daughter of the hotelier Sir Rocco
Forte, while Sirieix — who made his
name hosting Channel 4’s First Dates
— obsesses as much about service as
Gregg Wallace does about puddings.
Although he says that he would
rather not be compared with anyone
bar his hero, the ex-footballer Diego
Maradona, the 46-year-old admits to
liking Evan Davis’s style of presenting
— once he has googled the Dragons’
Den host on his phone to remind
himself who he is. To be fair, Sirieix is
too busy to spend time genning up on
other celebrities. He has worked in the
restaurant industry for 25 years and
between filming commitments is the
general manager here, at the
Michelin-starred Galvin at Windows.
“Restaurants are a battle, and
I am the general,” he says. “In the
army, when you go into battle, you go
to win, and you have to be armed
accordingly. You have to know your
enemy in the same way you have to
know your competitors and customers
in the restaurant trade. If my troops
aren’t in position, they can’t deliver
the service.”
Sirieix seems to be something of a
warrior by nature. He has read The
Art of War by Sun Tzu “many times”,
learnt to shoot during French military
service, and each morning he falls
out of bed and into 301 press-ups —
in sets of 20, with 21 to finish.
“Never underestimate the beauty of
discipline,” he says, taking a sip of mint
The basics of
boxing are
the basics of
good service
Million Pound Menu presenter Fred Sirieix. Right: hotelier Lydia Forte
tea. “Hard work always beats talent.”
Launching a restaurant also
requires huge resources. “It’s a very
investment-heavy industry,” concurs
Kochhar when I call him. The first
Indian chef in the UK to win a
Michelin star, with Benares, in
Mayfair, his restaurant group is worth
£15 million. Some of his peers on the
show control empires with turnovers
of as much as £100 million and during
the series several will put six-figure
sums on the table. Kochhar says that
such large amounts are often essential.
“If I’m looking for a restaurant in
London, I need to have a million
pounds in my pocket before I open
my mouth.”
Kochhar is particularly interested in
fine-dining concepts, as is Lydia Forte,
who’s looking for “the kind of five-star
experience” that could slot into one of
her hotel group’s establishments.
These, she says, are hard to get right.
“Restaurants are a bit like luxury
fashion. The margins are much tighter
than you think. Even if you’ve got a
great idea, you need to be able to run
the operations. If you can’t, you’ll fail
very quickly. It’s what makes the
programme so nail-biting.”
As for the contestants — or
“operators”, as they are called in the
show — some have managed stalls or
street-food vans before, while others
have quit catering jobs in an attempt
to turn into reality their dream of
creating, say, “the next Nando’s”.
Predictably, several of the
restaurants don’t stand up to
scrutiny when put to the test. One
operator forgets to give the investors
cutlery, a mistake that could blow the
business out of the water; another
serves a meal so salty that a potential
backer admits that he might have
invested hundreds of thousands of
pounds had he not ordered it.
For Kochhar, the concept is king.
“Many of those in the programme are
very young. If the concept is brilliant,
you can teach the rest with good
advice — that’s what I’m here for.”
Two of the youngest operators on
the show are Ruth Hansom, 22, and
Emily Lambert, 21, both of whom quit
jobs at the Ritz in London to give this
a shot. Their concept is Epoch, which
serves only British produce.
“No one has done it exclusively, so
we don’t use olive oil, chocolate or
coffee ,” Hansom explains, in a soft
Ramsay’s documentary about his
brother’s cocaine addiction received
mixed reviews from those in the trade.
Sirieix exhales when the subject is
brought up. Yes the hours are long, he
admits. “But God gave us free will.
Gordon Ramsay’s brother was a
cocaine addict; he isn’t.” He shrugs.
“Drinking culture is everywhere and
after-work drinks are great, but we
finish late; you have to be careful.”
Otherwise you’re out until 6am and
getting up three hours later for the
next shift? He grins.
As for its impact on relationships,
Sirieix would prefer not to comment.
He has two children with a former
partner, but won’t talk either about her
or his present partner, who is referred
to only as “fruitcake” on Instagram.
“Did you meet at work?” I push,
thinking about the hundreds of
hook-ups that took place when I was
waitressing as a student, but he shakes
off the question. Still, it’s difficult not
to imagine him attracting attention in
the workplace. He is so dapper that he
makes a suit from Burton look as
though it’s from Savile Row.
Now, however, it is about 5pm —
and Sirieix needs to prepare for his
forthcoming battle. He must be too
distracted by the impending war to be
thinking about women. But as I stand
to say goodbye, he looks at my 5ft 10in
frame and there’s a twinkle in his eye.
“I don’t mind tall girls,” he says. “After
all, everyone’s the same height in bed.”
Million Pound Menu starts on
BBC Two tonight at 9pm
8
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Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
arts
As years go by: the stories behin
As the Rolling Stones play Dublin tonight — the first
date of their tour — Will Hodgkinson tells the
extraordinary tales that lie behind their best tunes
I
n his 2010 memoir Life Keith
Richards writes: “Great songs
write themselves. You’re just led
by the nose.” Alongside that
magical process, however, comes
all manner of graft, pain,
boredom and tension. Throw in
a bit of heartbreak, dissolution
and insurrection and you have the
masterpieces that Richards and
Mick Jagger fashioned in their
mid-1960s to mid-1970s golden age,
songs that draw from the darkness
of life as much as its light. Before the
greatest rock’n’roll band shrug off a
combined age of 294 and wow the
world’s stadiums once more, here is a
look at how some of their best songs
came into being — and what they
came to mean for the world.
French actor Alain Delon, Marianne Faithfull and Mick Jagger
1
As Tears Go By (1965)
Realising that the Stones’ set of
blues and R’n’B standards meant that
all potential publishing money went to
ageing African-American men, the
group’s manager, Andrew Loog
Oldham, forced Jagger and Richards
to form a songwriting partnership.
History has it that he locked the pair
in their kitchen and wouldn’t let them
out until they wrote a B-side for his
new discovery Marianne Faithfull’s
1964 debut single. When they emerged
with As Time Goes By Oldham
changed the title, lopped off a few
verses, dumped the Lionel Bart
number he had intended for
Faithfull’s A-side and put this tender
ballad in its place. Ever the hustler,
he then stuck Greensleeves on the
B-side and credited it not to Henry
VIII, but to one Andrew Loog
Oldham. “What a terrible piece of
tripe,” Richards said of his early
masterwork, which was released
as a US Stones single in 1965.
2
(I Can’t Get No)
Satisfaction (1965)
Richards wrote it in his
sleep. No, really. Dozing off
in his flat in St Johns
Wood, the guitarist left his
Philips cassette player
running, only to wake and
discover the bare bones of
the song that would
launch a thousand garage
bands. “And 40 minutes of
me snoring.” Jagger wrote
the lyrics by the pool of a
hotel in Clearwater,
Florida, four days before recording
di it
in Chess studios, Chicago, and RCA,
Hollywood. The version we know and
love, with that guitar buzz courtesy of
a Gibson Fuzz-Tone effects pedal, was
never intended as the finished work;
Richards was planning to put horns
on. Oldham released it without the
band knowing and the rest is
rock’n’roll history.
3
Right: the Rolling
Stones in 1968.
Above: the 1965 single
that Richards wrote
in his sleep
Under My Thumb (1966)
One of the Stones’ early anti-girl
songs (see also Stupid Girl, Play With
Fire and Heart of Stone), this took on
tragic resonance on December 6, 1969.
“Woodstock will seem like a country
fair compared with our free show,”
Jagger said of a California concert
intended to appease fans who claimed
that tickets for the Stones’ US tour
were too expensive. Jagger’s boast
proved accurate. Moved from Golden
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Hell’s Angels hired as security, Jagger
was assaulted on arrival and the
metre-high stage was in danger of
being raided by the tense, wasted
crowd. Then, during Under My Thumb,
a group of Angels beat and stabbed 18year-old Meredith Hunter to death. It
was the end of the hippy dream.
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the times | Thursday May 17 2018
9
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arts
n 10 of the best Stones songs
nd
MARK AND COLLEEN HAYWARD/GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY; PHILIP LEVY; GETTY IMAGES
6
Sympathy for the Devil (1968)
Jagger got the idea for the song,
which started life as a turgid folk
ballad before developing into the
insistent samba we all love, after
reading Mikhail Bulgakov’s The
Master and Margarita. A fascination
for all things occult was fashionable at
the time, but it nevertheless cemented
the Stones’ status as a satanic brew of
sex, evil and overly tight trousers.
Jean-Luc Godard made an
impenetrable film based around the
recording, during which he taped
tissue paper over the very hot ceiling
lights at Olympic Studios in west
London. The paper caught fire and
burnt the cables holding the rigging,
causing it to crash to the floor. The
Devil was feeling sympathetic that
day; nobody was hit.
7
4
Jumpin’ Jack Flash (1968)
David Litvinoff, a former associate
of the Krays who stood at Swinging
London’s fault line between rock stars,
the aristocracy and the criminal
underworld and worked as “dialogue
coach” on the Jagger-starring cult
film Performance, claimed that
Jumpin’ Jack Flash was about him. In
fact it was about a rather less shady
figure: Richards’s gardener. “That’s
Jack — jumping Jack,” Richards said
when Jagger was woken one
morning at his friend’s country home
by the sound of old Jack Dyer
working outside the window. The
song features a riff second only to
Satisfaction in primal, funky
brilliance, and came after the
Stones’ brief foray with LSD led to
the ill-fated album Their Satanic
Majesties Request. “It’s about having
a hard time and getting out,” Jagger
later said of the song.
5
Street Fighting Man (1968)
From the Stones’ bluesy
masterpiece Beggars Banquet
comes this moment of insurrection
from Jagger, who went to the
Vietnam War demonstrations at
Grosvenor Square in London, but was
recognised and realised how
separated he was by fame and wealth.
“It is just my admission that there is
nothing I can do to help the
revolution along,” Jagger said,
although his fans didn’t read it that
way. A manifesto distributed at
American concerts at the time
stated: “The revolutionary youth
hears your music and is inspired to
even more deadly acts.” The song
marked the high point of the
Stones as a dangerous force, not
long before the disaster of Altamont
made them pull back and
become a functioning part of
the entertainment industry.
Top: Anita Pallenberg
and Jagger in
Performance. Above:
David Litvinoff
Gimme Shelter (1969)
Richards was holed up in the art
dealer Robert Fraser’s flat in Mount
Street in the Mayfair area of London,
drifting into heroin addiction and
feeling sorry for himself while his
girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg, got
intimate with Jagger on the set of
Performance. It was raining heavily
when Richards, looking down on to
the huddled figures on the street
outside, began shaping the iconic
riff that begins one of the Stones’
weightiest, most ominous numbers.
The heavily pregnant backing singer
Merry Clayton got the call at
midnight to come to the studio,
yelled, “Rape, murder,” at the top
of her lungs and went back to bed.
Jagger, fleshing out Richards’s
theme with his doom-laden lyrics,
conceived it as an “end-of-the-world
song . . . It was a time of war
and tension.”
War protesters at the American embassy in London in 1965
8
Wild Horses (1971)
Marking the Stones’ shift towards
country music, this yearning ballad
was inspired in part by Richards’s
drug buddy Gram Parsons, who
released a version of it a year before
the Stones did. It was one of those
magic songs that, according to
Richards, “almost wrote itself”. Played
on an acoustic 12-string guitar in open
E tuning, Wild Horses was recorded in
December 1969 at the tiny Muscle
Shoals studio in Alabama. On piano
was the Memphis session musician
Jim Dickinson, who claims: “It was
about [Richards’s son] Marlon, about
not wanting to leave home.” Jagger
rewrote it to become what is generally
taken as a lament for Faithfull,
although Jagger has denied this,
claiming that by then the relationship
was long over.
9
Brown Sugar (1971)
Recorded at Muscle Shoals in the
same two-day session as Wild Horses,
Brown Sugar is such a perfect rocker
that you hardly notice the extreme
tastelessness of the lyrics. Slavery,
rape, heroin, sadomasochism, a white
man’s fetish for black women, it’s all
there, although one line almost
wasn’t. Dickinson claims that he was
in the control room when Jagger was
recording his vocals and noticed that
the singer left out the words “hear him
whip the women”. Dickinson told
Jagger he was abandoning the best
line in the song, thereby assuring his
place in rock history.
10
Angie (1973)
One of the Stones’ most
poignant gems came at a low point for
Richards. After the narcotic excesses
of his time at the notoriously
debauched Villa Nellcôte in the south
of France, where much of the album
Exile on Main Street was conceived,
the guitarist checked into a rehab
clinic in Vevey, Switzerland, and wrote
this beautiful lament for a doomed
love. “It was not about any particular
person,” Richards says, dismissing
long-held rumours that it was about
Angie Bowie, or possibly his and
Pallenberg’s daughter, Dandelion
Angela. Angie was recorded for the
album Goats Head Soup at Dynamic
Sounds in Jamaica, where Richards
and Pallenberg, having fallen back into
their old ways, went though what he
describes as “cold turkey in paradise”.
0 Read The Times’s first live review
of the Stones at thetimes.co.uk/arts
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10
1G T
Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
arts
JOHAN PERSSON; CAMILLA GREENWELL
Rambert’s dancers in Kim Brandstrup’s emotionally powerful Transfigured Night, which won a Critics’ Circle National Dance Award last year
A dream job for a great Dane
Choreographer
Kim Brandstrup is
making Rambert’s
first full-length
story ballet for
40 years, he tells
Debra Craine
I
remember seeing a production
of Life is a Dream at the Donmar
Warehouse in London in
2009 in which Dominic West,
portraying a Polish prince
imprisoned from birth in
a tower, put his (fake) bloodspattered body through
extremes of pain and suffering. The
role, bruising in its intensity, was as
physical as it was emotional, which
is something that attracted the
choreographer Kim Brandstrup in
his new dance adaptation for Rambert.
When it comes to physical expression,
nothing beats the body language
of dance.
Life is a Dream is the great Spanish
Golden Age drama, written by
Calderón in 1635 and telling the story
of a king who imprisons his infant
son in the cold and dark because of
a prophecy that the prince would
eventually bring disaster to the
country. When Prince Segismundo
is finally released, he goes on a
savage rampage and has to be
shut away again. But was it all
merely a dream?
“I saw the play in Denmark a long
time ago and was fascinated by it,”
Brandstrup says. “It’s about the
making of a man from an absolute
animal kind of state, living in darkness
and longing for the world outside,
and then when he encounters the
real world he can’t cope. He tries to
seize the world and hold on to it, but
he loses his grasp. Ultimately he
thinks he dreamt the whole encounter
with the outside world. It says to me
that there is only so much reality
we can take.”
It’s a big deal for Brandstrup, the
first full-length single narrative work
that Rambert has commissioned in
almost 40 years (the last one was Glen
Tetley’s The Tempest in 1979). Still, he
has form. Brandstrup’s previous
creation for Rambert, Transfigured
Night in 2015, was a sensational oneact work that dealt with the aftermath
of a shocking confession from three
perspectives, each suffused with a
staggering emotional resonance
inherent in every phrase. Emotion,
you see, is his forte; he pours feelings
on to the stage by the bucketful.
In person, though, the British-based
Danish choreographer is softly spoken,
self-effacing and totally chilled. At 61
he has an extensive CV and
a mantelpiece of impressive
awards. Since making his
base in the UK in the
1980s he has had
extraordinary
collaborations
with some of
our finest
ballerinas,
including
Tamara Rojo,
Alina Cojocaru
and Zenaida
Yanowsky.
For 20 years
he ran his
own Britishbased dance
company, Arc,
where his
done on contemporary dancers.
I didn’t want the physical qualities of
this piece to be too refined.”
Brandstrup moves freely between
classical ballet and contemporary
dance, taking a sense of uplift from the
former and the grounded energy of
the latter, but essential to both is his
desire to imbue his free-flowing
movement with acute feeling. To this
end he has streamlined Calderón’s
narrative to its essentials, eliminating
the king and focusing on the woman
who finds the prince in the prison.
“What dance can do is the subtleties
of a relationship between two people,”
he says. “It’s the touch, the attraction,
the repulsion, the quality of how you
interact with another person that
comes through in movement. Most of
my narrative pieces are like that. I go
for the essence of a situation, the
feelings, but I shy away from the
explanatory things in between.”
That often means shaping a story to
suit an unexpected trajectory. In Life is
a Dream, for example, the first half is
a series of scenes in which a theatre
director is rehearsing Calderón’s play.
There are three casts giving three
versions of the encounter between the
man and the woman; in the third the
prisoner is played by a woman. In the
second half the director leaves the
rehearsal room and enters the play
with himself as the prisoner.
Brandstrup’s inspiration for the
staging came from the grey Cold War
aesthetic of experimental Polish
theatre of the 1960s, which is reflected
in the faded grandeur of the Quay
brothers’ set. Video projections will
I go for the
essence of a
situation, the
feelings
Simone Damberg
Würtz and Stephen
Quildan in Life is a
Dream. Below:
Kim Brandstrup in
rehearsal with Juan Gil
productions included versions of
Othello, Hamlet and Peer Gynt. His
Orfeo, for London Contemporary
Dance Theatre, won an Olivier award
in 1989; Goldberg: The Brandstrup-Rojo
Project, made for the Royal Ballet, took
home the Olivier in 2010; Transfigured
Night won a Critics’ Circle National
Dance Award last year.
The idea for a full-length dance
adaptation of Calderón’s illusory novel
came from Brandstrup. All he had to
do was convince Mark Baldwin,
Rambert’s departing director,
to give it a shot. Expectations
for a full-length production
are much higher than they
are for a one-act work. Does
Brandstrup feel the
pressure? “I do, but I had
a very good experience
working with the
Rambert dancers on
Transfigured Night.
There was talk of
doing this project
with a ballet
company, but
I prefer that it’s
evoke the world beyond the room,
while Holly Waddington’s costumes
morph the two time periods — the
Spanish baroque and mid-20thcentury Poland — into a hybrid.
The music is by the Polish composer
Witold Lutoslawski, one of the giants
of 20th-century avant-garde music
(Brandstrup is using his Musique
funèbre, the Violin Concerto and the
Fourth Symphony). “What I find in
Lutoslawski’s music is beautiful, and
there’s an emotional line running
through it that’s almost like speech,”
he says. “It’s not rhythmically tight
and precise like Stravinsky, for
example, but it’s incredibly emotional
music that’s never sentimental.”
Unusually for a contemporary dance
company (where budgets are tight),
the musical resources will be on a par
with Covent Garden’s — a 62-piece
orchestra for the season at Sadler’s
Wells, reorchestrated for 29
musicians on tour.
With Life is a Dream Brandstrup is
hoping to tap into a shift in taste
among Rambert’s audience, which is
moving away from the formal
abstraction of pure dance and towards
a more theatrical agenda. “Younger
audiences want more dramatic
engagement. You can even see it in the
way people perform nowadays. The
cool distance and anonymity of old is
being transformed into more
emotional commitment on stage.”
Life is a Dream opens at Sadler’s
Wells (020 7863 8000) on May 22
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
11
1G T
television & radio
Gender and the elephant in the changing room
Carol
Midgley
TV review
What Makes a Woman?
Channel 4
{{{((
Ultimate Worrier
Dave
T
{{{((
he question posed by
What Makes a Woman?
was, well, “What makes a
woman?” Did it answer its
own question? To be honest,
I went lightheaded after the presenter
Munroe Bergdorf’s scalp was peeled
from her skull like the top of a can of
tuna (it was so the transgender model’s
forehead could be sawed down to look
more feminine), so I may have missed
a bit. But I don’t think it did.
Bergdorf was clear about what she
thought didn’t make a woman. “I
Radio Choice
Chris Bennion
Ramblings
Radio 4, 3pm
“Nigel!” shouts Clare
Balding. But Nigel Mansell
isn’t listening; he’s off to
explore some logs. “Nigel
Mansell has disgraced
himself,” Balding says. I
wish I could tell you that
the new series of the always
lovely Ramblings kicks
off with Balding escorting
a mud-soaked former
Formula One driver around
the Blackdown Hills in
Devon, but this Nigel
Mansell is a naughty
goldendoodle belonging to
Amy. With her friends, Amy
yomps the hills around
Hembury Fort with a pack
of dogs. Here they describe
how their friendship — and
their rambles — helped
them through tough times.
Funny You
Should Ask
Radio 4 Extra, 4pm
Despite running for eight
years between 1976 and
1984, Funny You Should
Ask is the forgotten man
of BBC Radio panel shows.
Each episode features Peter
Jones quizzing three comics
on their comedy knowledge
and Radio 4 Extra has dug
up nine episodes that have
not been heard since their
original broadcast. Mike
Burton and Barry Took
are in the hot seats today.
certainly don’t base womanhood
around a vagina,” she said. “It’s just
a body part.” Hence she wouldn’t
reveal whether she has had genderreassignment surgery. “It’s nobody’s
business.” Yet her conclusion that
being a woman is about “all of us and
every single different experience we
have” was woolly to say the least. You
could knit a jumper out of that. Yet she
did make an interesting programme.
Bergdorf, who was born male, but
identified as a woman from childhood
when she attended an all-boys school,
was honest. Yes, she is conforming
to a societal ideal of how a woman
“should” look (she is very attractive).
Yes, she was once raped. Yes, years ago
she posted some unpleasant messages
on social media (“Even I’d like to
gay-bash him,” was one). However, the
strongest part was her discussion with
Venice Allan, a feminist campaigner.
They didn’t agree on an awful lot.
Allan was concerned that allowing
people to gender self-identify risks
giving a man the right to enter a
female changing room unchallenged
simply because he identifies as a
woman. Fair point. Bergdorf replied
that if transgender women wanted to
“harm” cisgender women (those who
identify with the gender they were
born with) they could already be doing
so in bathrooms etc. Also a fair point.
Bergdorf said that transgender women
are far more at risk in society than
Radio 1
FM: 96.7-99.8 MHz
6.30am The Radio 1 Breakfast Show with
Scott Mills 10.00 Clara Amfo 12.45pm
Newsbeat 1.00 Matt and Mollie 4.00 Greg
James 5.45 Newsbeat 6.00 Greg James
7.00 Clara Amfo 9.00 The 8th with Charlie
Sloth 11.00 Radio 1’s Residency: Artwork
12.00 Radio 1’s Residency: Tokimonsta
1.00am Toddla T 3.00 Radio 1 Comedy
4.00 Early Breakfast with Adele Roberts
Radio 2
FM: 88-90.2 MHz
6.30am Chris Evans 9.30 Ken Bruce 12.00
Jeremy Vine 2.00pm Steve Wright 5.00 Jo
Whiley & Simon Mayo 8.00 Bob Harris
Country. A live session by the Shires and
tracks from the archive 9.00 Johnnie Walker
Meets Jimmy Webb. In the first of two
programmes, the presenter learns the story
behind classics such as MacArthur Park and
Wichita Lineman, with songwriter Jimmy
Webb at the keys 10.00 Sara Cox. The
presenter brings her unique style and
humour to the evenings 12.00 OJ Borg
3.00am Huey on Saturday (r) 4.00 Huey on
Sunday (r) 5.00 Vanessa Feltz
Radio 3
FM: 90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30am Breakfast
Georgia Mann presents Radio 3’s classical
breakfast show, featuring listeners’ requests
9.00 Essential Classics
Suzy Klein presents a selection of classical
music. Plus, a guest talks about the cultural
influences that have inspired and shaped his
or her life and career
12.00 Composer of the Week:
Brahms (1833-1897)
Donald Macleod explores the lifelong
friendship between Brahms and the violin
virtuoso Joseph Joachim — and the music
they produced together. Joachim (Violin
Concerto No 2 in D minor — in the
Hungarian Style — 3rd mvt); and Brahms
(Hungarian Dance No 5 in G minor;
Gestillte Sehnsucht, Op 91 No 1; Violin
Concerto D, Op 77 — 3rd mvt; and Violin
Sonata No 3 in D minor, Op 108)
1.00pm News
1.02 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert
The Guarneri Piano Trio and Ensemble 360
perform chamber music from the Leamington
Music Festival. Schulhoff (Bass Nightingale);
Dvorák (Piano Trio in B flat, Op 21);
and Janácek (Mládi)
Transgender model Munroe Bergdorf dodged the main question
2.00 Afternoon Concert
Penny Gore presents a performance of
Rimsky-Korsakov’s The Snow Maiden, in a
production from Moscow’s Bolshoi Theatre.
The Snow Maiden has been raised in
perpetual winter by her father, Frost, and
mother, Spring. Envious of the mortals in the
village nearby, she yearns to experience their
longings, passions and human emotions, and
begs her parents to let her join them. They
agree to let her be adopted by Bobyl-Bakula
and his wife, with tragic consequences.
A gorgeous and lyrical evocation of the
natural world, Rimsky-Korsakov’s delightfully
colourful, folk-inspired opera is based on a
well-loved Russian fairy tale
5.00 In Tune
Sean Rafferty presents a mix of chat,
arts news and live performance. Guests
include the pianist Alessio Bax
7.00 In Tune Mixtape
An eclectic non-stop mix of music,
featuring old favourites together with lesserknown gems, and a few surprises thrown in
for good measure
7.30 Live Radio 3 in Concert
To end their season, the BBC Scottish
Symphony Orchestra enter into Sibelius’
world by inviting a quartet of Finnish folk
musicians to Glasgow. Playing with the BBC
SSO in a specially arranged piece of music,
the Finnish folk musicians explore the
themes that Sibelius would have heard, and
has incorporated into, his Choral Symphony:
Kullervo. Kullervo is one of his finest
masterpieces in which Sibelius uses one of
Finland’s most ancient of poems: the
Kalevala. It is a story of the tragedy of a
young hero and a love more terrible than war.
One of Scandinavia’s finest choirs and two
outstanding singers join the BBC SSO in
Glasgow City Halls for this live broadcast
conducted by Thomas Dausgaard
10.00 Free Thinking
Self help and identity politics are on the
agenda as Philip Dodd meets the YouTube
star, the Canadian clinical psychologist and
cultural critic Jordan B Peterson.
This extended interview explores
metaphysics and what it means to be
spearheading the movement known as
“the intellectual dark web”
10.45 The Essay: To the Barricades!
The books and films that influenced the
events of 1968
11.00 Late Junction
Max Reinhardt is joined by the DJ and
broadcaster Jonny Trunk to delve into the
psyche of avid record collectors
12.30am Through the Night
Radio 4
FM: 92.4-94.6 MHz LW: 198kHz MW: 720 kHz
5.30 News Briefing
5.43 Prayer for the Day
5.45 Farming Today
5.58 Tweet of the Day (r)
6.00 Today
With Martha Kearney and Justin Webb
8.30 (LW) Yesterday in Parliament
9.00 In Our Time
Melvyn Bragg and guests discuss the freeing
of a third of Russians from serfdom
9.45 (LW) Daily Service
9.45 Book of the Week: The Book —
A Cover-to-Cover Exploration of the
Most Powerful Object of Our Time
By Keith Houston (4/5)
10.00 Woman’s Hour
Discussion and interviews, presented by
Jenni Murray. Including at 10.45 the 15
Minute Drama: Emily Bronte’s Wuthering
Heights, adapted by Rachel Joyce (4/10)
11.00 Crossing Continents
Claims that Israel is being less welcoming to
African Jews. Last in the series
11.30 The Intimate Art of Tattoo
What tattoo subjects say about
people’s lives (2/2) (r)
12.01pm (LW) Shipping Forecast
12.04 Dr Broks’ Casebook
Neuropsychologist Paul Broks considers
out-of-body experiences (4/5) (r)
12.15 You and Yours
1.00 The World at One
1.45 The Assassination
A trail of bodies leads deeper into the
conspiracy (9/10)
2.00 The Archers (r)
2.15 Drama: McLevy
By David Ashton. The sleuth finds a young
woman unconscious in the street (3/4) (r)
3.00 Ramblings
Clare Balding joins three women dog walking
across Hembury Fort in Devon.
See Radio Choice (1/6)
3.27 Radio 4 Appeal
On behalf of Self Help Africa (r)
3.30 Open Book
Manu Joseph talks to Mariella Frostrup (r)
4.00 The Film Programme
Saoirse Ronan discusses her role in
On Chesil Beach
4.30 BBC Inside Science
The latest scientific research
5.00 PM
5.54 (LW) Shipping Forecast
6.00 Six O’Clock News
6.30 Alone
By Moray Hunter (4/6)
cisgender women. Probably true, but
not really addressing the point. So no,
the original question wasn’t answered.
But gender is a burning issue and I’m
sure there are umpteen programmes
in the pipeline that will be trying.
If you were after rib-cracking
ROFLs, then Ultimate Worrier was
not for you. Jon Richardson’s Room
101-style series is a gentler beast in
which he and two guests — last night
Josh Widdicombe and Suzi Ruffell —
discuss their worries, but mainly
Richardson’s. And he has lots, such as
hand-dryers, Elon Musk, Bitcoin,
James Corden and slow cookers.
Some parts went on too long, such
as when the comedian Richard Gadd
lived without access to gadgets in
Milton Keynes or something; I sort of
lost the will. Yet others were nerdishly
amusing, especially since the mildmannered Richardson is genuinely
anxious and anal about weird things.
The funniest part was his tyrannical
approach to stacking dishwashers,
which, as one who takes a “couldn’t
give a shit” approach and thinks
dishwashers a waste of space, felt
vindicating. However, I take issue with
his edict that cutlery must be facing
upwards. Insanity! Has he not heard
the stories of people slipping in their
kitchens and becoming impaled on
upturned knives? He should add this
to his worry wall immediately.
carol.midgley@the-times.co.uk
7.00 The Archers
Adam has a brainwave
7.15 Front Row
7.45 Wuthering Heights
By Emily Bronte, adapted by Rachel Joyce (r)
8.00 The Briefing Room
8.30 In Business
How Spain’s sparkling fizz, Cava, is seeking
to reinvent itself (6/8)
9.00 BBC Inside Science
The latest scientific research (r)
9.30 In Our Time
Melvyn Bragg and guests discuss the freeing
of a third of Russians from serfdom (r)
10.00 The World Tonight
10.45 Book at Bedtime:
The Female Persuasion
By Meg Wolitzer (4/10)
11.00 John Finnemore’s Double Acts
Red-Handed. Comedy starring
John Bird (3/6) (r)
11.30 Today in Parliament
12.00 News and Weather
12.30am Book of the Week: The Book
— A Cover-to-Cover Exploration of the
Most Powerful Object of Our Time (r)
12.48 Shipping Forecast
1.00 As BBC World Service
Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
8.00am J Kingston Platt’s Showbiz
Handbook 8.30 The Goon Show
9.00 Funny You Should Ask. Peter Jones
tests the knowledge of three comedy
experts. See Radio Choice
9.30 Alison and Maud 10.00 The Mill on the
Floss 11.00 Opening Lines. The Fox. By Fiona
Melrose. A dead fox triggers memories for an
elderly farmer. Read by Philip Jackson 11.15
Faith, Hope and Charity (r) 12.00 J Kingston
Platt’s Showbiz Handbook 12.30pm The
Goon Show 1.00 The Doomed Oasis 1.30
There’s More Here Than I Thought 2.00 The
Secret History 2.15 Britain on the Bottle:
Alcohol and the State 2.30 Gillespie and I
2.45 Falling Upwards 3.00 The Mill on the
Floss 4.00 Funny You Should Ask 4.30
Alison and Maud 5.00 North by
Northamptonshire 5.30 Alone 6.00 2001: A
Space Odyssey 6.15 The Book of Strange
New Things 6.30 Great Lives 7.00 J
Kingston Platt’s Showbiz Handbook. Comedy
with Peter Jones 7.30 The Goon Show.
Comedy with Spike Milligan 8.00 The
Doomed Oasis. Thriller by Hammond Innes.
Originally broadcast in 1984 8.30 There’s
More Here Than I Thought. Shedding light on
the work of artist Winifred Gill
9.00 Opening Lines. The Fox. By Fiona
Melrose 9.15 Faith, Hope and Charity.
Charity, the last play in Michael Duke’s
trilogy (r) 10.00 Comedy Club: Alone. By
Moray Hunter. Will tries to help Louisa film a
scene for a casting 10.30 Ross Noble Goes
Global. The comedian visits Egypt 10.55 The
Comedy Club Interview. Jessica Fostekew
concludes her chat with Lou Conran 11.00
Arthur Smith’s Balham Bash. With Alex
Wilson’s salsa combo, Jenny Eclair and Simon
Evans. From 2011 11.30 The Odd Half Hour
Radio 5 Live
MW: 693, 909
6.00am 5 Live Breakfast 10.00 The Emma
Barnett Show with Anna Foster 1.00pm
Afternoon Edition 4.00 5 Live Drive 7.00 5
Live Sport. Eleanor Oldroyd presents the
day’s sports news 8.00 5 Live Sport: 5 Live
Boxing. Mike Costello and Steve Bunce look
ahead to Lee Selby v Josh Warrington 9.00 5
Live Sport: Get Inspired with Darren
Campbell 10.00 Question Time Extra Time
1.00am Up All Night 5.00 Reports 5.15
Wake Up to Money
talkSPORT
MW: 1053, 1089 kHz
6.00am Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast with
Lawrence Dallaglio 10.00 Jim White 1.00pm
Hawksbee and Jacobs 4.00 Danny Kelly and
Darren Gough 7.00 Kick-off 10.00 Sports
Bar 1.00am Extra Time with Adam Catterall
6 Music
Digital only
7.00am Shaun Keaveny 10.00 Lauren
Laverne 1.00pm Mark Radcliffe
4.00 Steve Lamacq 6.00 Steve Lamacq’s
Roundtable 7.00 Marc Riley 9.00 Gideon Coe
12.00 6 Music Recommends with Steve
Lamacq 1.00am Hitsville USA: The Story of
Motown 2.00 Parklife: The Blur Story
2.30 6 Music Live Hour 3.30 6 Music’s
Jukebox 5.00 Chris Hawkins
Classic FM
FM: 100-102 MHz
6.00am More Music Breakfast 9.00 John
Suchet 1.00pm Anne-Marie Minhall 5.00
Classic FM Drive 7.00 Smooth Classics 8.00
The Full Works Concert. On the 75th
anniversary of the Dam Buster raid,
Catherine Bott presents a concert inspired by
war and peace, featuring works by Coates,
Barber, John Williams and Beethoven 10.00
Smooth Classics 1.00am Jane Jones
12
1G T
Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
television & radio
Viewing Guide
Joe Clay
Million Pound
Menu
BBC Two, 9pm
According to
Fred Sirieix,
the maître d’
with the
mostest from First
Dates on Channel 4 and
the presenter of this
six-part series: “The
Early
Top
pick
UK’s restaurant scene is
the envy of the world.”
Britons spend more
than £33 billion a year
eating out, so do any of
the next generation of
restaurants have what
it takes to become
multimillion-pound
businesses? Million
Pound Menu, a foodie
riff on Dragons’ Den,
aims to find out as
12 restaurant ideas
are presented to an
esteemed (ie rich)
panel of ten investors.
Each week the people
behind two food
concepts set up a
pop-up restaurant in
Manchester. Competing
tonight is Shimpwreck,
the brainchild of the
chef Ewen Hutchinson,
who believes that his
“shrimp” burgers —
tempura king prawns
with samphire in a
brioche bun — could
become the next
fast-food sensation. He
wants £100,000 to turn
his street-food van into
a restaurant. The
investor David Page,
former chief executive
of Pizza Express, says
that the simplicity of
Hutchinson’s concept
gives it “massive roll-up
potential”. Also looking
for investment is
Epoch, a concept of the
chef Ruth Hansom and
the sommelier Emily
Lambert, that serves
exclusively British
produce. They want
£600,000 to start a
restaurant. The chefs
have three days to
prove that their idea
is viable, then face an
anxious wait to see if
an investor makes them
an offer. The heat is on
and, as is so often, the
devil is in the details.
See feature, page 7.
Humans
Channel 4, 9pm
There’s a lot of
exposition required
as series three of the
thought-provoking
sci-fi drama begins.
It’s one year from when
the code was released
that gave every synth
sentience, leading to the
loss of 110,000 human
lives and millions of
synths being destroyed.
Now 11th-generation
synths — “100 per cent
safe” and orange-eyed
— are on the market,
with the original
green-eyed robot
servants fighting to
survive in a world that
hates and fears them.
“In time the humans
will accept us,” Max
says. A bombing at a
bar embracing human
and synth integration
suggests otherwise.
BBC One
BBC Two
ITV
Channel 4
Channel 5
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Ill Gotten Gains. Police execute
multiple raids across the Liverpool area 10.00 Homes
Under the Hammer. Properties in Tring, Ashton-underLyne and Ambergate (AD) 11.00 A1: Britain’s Longest
Road. The workers who keep traffic flowing along
Britain’s longest and most iconic road (r) (AD) 11.45 The
Housing Enforcers. A system to tackle anti-social
behaviour in Newcastle 12.15pm Bargain Hunt. From
Lincoln (r) (AD) 1.00 BBC News at One; Weather 1.30
BBC Regional News; Weather 1.45 Doctors. Heston
accuses a theatre director of being defamatory, old
emotions resurface for Jimmi as Amanda settles in and
Zara is determined to make a success of Joe’s school
project (AD) 2.15 The Doctor Blake Mysteries. Two
sisters are found gassed in their home (AD) 3.15 Escape
to the Country. Three generations of a family search
for a home in rural Devon (r) (AD) 3.45 Royal Recipes:
Wedding Special. Anna Haugh makes a wedding cake fit
for a modern royal couple 4.30 Hardball. Quiz show
hosted by Ore Oduba 5.15 Pointless. Quiz show hosted by
Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman 6.00 BBC News
at Six; Weather 6.30 BBC Regional News; Weather
6.00am Flog It! Trade Secrets (r) 6.30 Ill Gotten Gains
(r) 7.15 Royal Recipes: Wedding Special (r) 8.00 Sign
Zone: Love in the Countryside (r) (AD, SL) 9.00 Victoria
Derbyshire 11.00 BBC Newsroom Live 12.00 Daily
Politics 1.00pm Perfection (r) 1.45 Going Back, Giving
Back (r) 2.30 Digging for Britain. Alice Roberts visits
archaeological digs in the east of the country, where finds
include Britain’s biggest Roman letter hoard, sunken
treasure and Caesar’s Fort (r) (AD) 3.30 Victorian Farm.
The team receives help from a woodsman, a blacksmith
and a basket-maker when the farm needs emergency
repairs, while Ruth Goodman tests traditional potions and
remedies (r) (AD) 4.30 Street Auction. Paul Martin
surprises an 83-year-old volunteer who has spent her life
helping others by organising a pop-up auction in
Chippenham, Wiltshire (r) 5.15 Antiques Road Trip.
Kate Bliss and Paul Laidlaw both find unusual powder
compacts, making for an exciting auction in Brighton.
Paul also visits a mosque and Kate tries gardening,
Victorian-style (r) 6.00 Eggheads. Quiz show (r) 6.30
Great Continental Railway Journeys. Michael Portillo
continues his journey through the former Russian empire
6.00am Good Morning Britain 8.30 Lorraine 9.25 The
Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning. Phillip Schofield
and Holly Willoughby present chat and lifestyle features,
including a look at the stories making the newspaper
headlines and a recipe in the kitchen 12.30pm Loose
Women. The ladies are joined by royal biographer Andrew
Morton just two days before Prince Harry and Meghan
Markle’s wedding 1.30 ITV News; Weather 2.00 Judge
Rinder’s Crime Stories. The barrister examines a murder
case that tore a family apart and the investigation into an
unscrupulous gang of puppy traders 3.00 Dickinson’s Real
Deal. David Dickinson and the team value antiques in
Llangollen, Denbighshire, where Stewart Hofgartner has
an encounter with a woman who possesses a
wide-ranging knowledge of tins (r) 4.00 Tipping Point.
Ben Shephard hosts the arcade-themed quiz show in
which contestants drop tokens down a choice of four
chutes in the hope of winning a £10,000 jackpot 5.00 The
Chase. Bradley Walsh presents as contestants Matt,
Honey, Deb and Oliver pit their wits against the Chaser,
adding money to the jackpot for the final chase 6.00
Regional News; Weather 6.30 ITV News; Weather
6.00am Countdown (r) 6.45 3rd Rock from the Sun (r)
(AD) 7.35 Everybody Loves Raymond (r) (AD) 8.30
Frasier (r) (AD) 10.05 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA
(r) 11.00 Undercover Boss USA (r) 12.00 Channel 4
News Summary 12.05pm Coast vs Country. Experts help
a duo look for a property in Scotland (r) (AD) 1.05 Posh
Pawnbrokers. Snooker star Willie Thorne tries to do a deal
on an original artwork (r) 2.10 Countdown. Psychologist
Linda Papadopoulos is in Dictionary Corner 3.00 A Place
in the Sun: Winter Sun. Laura Hamilton helps a couple
from Essex (r) 4.00 The £100k Drop. Contestants from
Selkirk and London take part 5.00 Four in a Bed. The final
visit is to The Tushielaw Inn in Selkirk (r) 5.30 Buy It
Now. Helen from St Helens demonstrates an invention
designed to help weaning children and stressed-out
parents 6.00 The Simpsons. Bart begins tagging
Springfield with unflattering references to Homer, and
when his work is seen by a group of professional graffiti
artists they offer him a gallery show (r) (AD) 6.30
Hollyoaks. Adam and Glenn come up with a plan to stop
Zack exposing information about them. Meanwhile, Tom
is concerned about Alfie’s behaviour (r) (AD)
6.00am Milkshake! 9.15 The Wright Stuff 11.15 The
Yorkshire Vet. Peter gets up close and personal with a
pair of boisterous calves, while poorly bloodhound Daisy
has developed a fast-growing lump that needs to be
removed urgently (r) (AD) 12.10pm 5 News Lunchtime
12.15 GPs: Behind Closed Doors. Patients include Joseph,
a former heroin user trying to wean himself off
methadone, who is now confined to a wheelchair after
injuring his back many years ago (r) (AD) 1.10 Access.
Showbiz news and gossip 1.15 Home and Away (AD)
1.45 Neighbours (AD) 2.15 The Yorkshire Vet Casebook.
Peter is tasked with castrating an over-amorous
chinchilla, and devoted owner Rodney faces putting down
his much-loved sheepdog, Millie (r) 3.15 FILM: Fatal
Close-Up (TVM, 2018) A freelance photographer is
suspected of murder when a woman she is assigned to
take photos of is killed. Thriller starring Daphne Zuniga
and Adam Huss 5.00 5 News at 5 5.30 Neighbours. Mark
confronts Chloe over his suspicions, and decides to talk to
Paul directly (r) (AD) 6.00 Home and Away. Olivia and
Hunter discover Ava’s abandoned backpack, and Colby
grows closer to Jasmine (r) (AD) 6.30 5 News Tonight
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7PM
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7.00 The One Show Matt Baker and Alex
Jones present the live magazine show
7.00 Back to the Land with Kate
Humble In the south east of England,
Kate meets a commercial wasabi
grower, joins a truffle forager and
his labrador at work and visits a
woman who hand-makes goats’ milk
soap (8/12) (AD)
7.00 Emmerdale Aaron faces a tense
reunion as he goes to visit Liv at the
Young Offenders Institution (AD)
8.00 Britain’s Best Home Cook The
contestants dish up a pie showcasing
their cooking style and invent a sweet
or savoury meal with plums or cheese
as the key ingredient. Presented by
Claudia Winkleman (3/8) (AD)
8.00 Amazing Hotels: Life Beyond the
Lobby Giles Coren and Monica Galetti
travel to South America to work in Vira
Vira, a hacienda hotel that overlooks
an active volcano near Pucon, Chile.
Last in the series (AD)
8.00 Emmerdale Chas and Paddy celebrate
their engagement (AD)
9.00 Ambulance A 12-hour day shift
with West Midlands Ambulance
Service paramedics sees them deal
with problems and frustrations
they experience when dealing with
mental health crises
9.00 Million Pound Menu
New series. Fred Sirieix presents this
fine dining challenge which follows
people who work in the food business
as they seek major investment to
launch their own restaurants.
See Viewing Guide (1/6) (AD)
9.00 Innocent David’s exoneration allows
him to regain custody of his children
and intensifies the investigation into
Rob, Alice and Tom, leading to a critical
arrest. Last in the series (AD)
Late
7.30 The Tower: A Year On — Tonight
A look back at the Grenfell fire, hearing
from survivors and eyewitnesses
about the events of the night
8.30 Paul O’Grady: For the Love of
Dogs — India Paul helps a
traumatised puppy make new friends.
Last in the series (AD)
10.00 BBC News at Ten
10.00 The League of Gentlemen Familiar
faces return to settle scores and
dig up old friends (1/3) (r) (AD)
10.00 ITV News at Ten
10.30 BBC Regional News and Weather
10.45 Question Time Topical debate from
the Borough of Kensington and
Chelsea, chaired by David Dimbleby
10.30 Newsnight Presented by Kirsty Wark
10.30 Regional News
10.45 Great Art Tim Marlow presents a
profile of Vincent Van Gogh, using his
work and letters in an attempt to get
at the truth about the oftenmisunderstood Dutch artist (AD)
11PM
10PM
9PM
8PM
7.30 EastEnders Linda finds Mick in bed
with another woman (AD)
11.45 This Week Andrew Neil introduces a
round-table chat, in which he, Michael
Portillo and other guests take a look
back at the past seven days’ political
and parliamentary developments
12.35am-6.00 BBC News
11.15 Dara and Ed’s Great Big Adventure
The duo travel through Guatemala,
El Salvador and Nicaragua, paying their
respects to Mayan deity Maximon
and scaling the active volcano Pacaya
along the way (2/3) (r) (AD)
12.15am The Bridge A woman’s body is found close to
a bridge. In Danish and Swedish (r) 1.15 Versailles.
A desperate Madame de Montespan tries to reverse her
fall from grace (r) (AD) 3.05 Sign Zone: My Year with the
Tribe (r) (AD, SL) 4.05-5.05 The Secret Helpers.
A single father and a nurse seek advice (r) (AD, SL)
11.45 Give It a Year Karren Brady meets a
couple escaping the rat race for a life in
the country (5/12) (r) (AD)
12.10am The Tower: A Year On — Tonight A look
back at the Grenfell fire, hearing from survivors, bereaved
and eyewitnesses about the events of the night and how
the community is fighting to ensure it never happens
again (r) 12.35 Jackpot247 3.00 ITV Nightscreen
5.05-6.00 The Jeremy Kyle Show (r) (SL)
7.00 Channel 4 News
7.55 The Political Slot: The
Conservative Party
7.00 The Nightmare Neighbour Next
Door Two quarrelling neighbours who
record each other’s every moment on
CCTV and in diaries, and a woman who
ended up in a dispute over a shared
driveway (2/8) (r) (AD)
8.00 Cruises from Hell: Caught on
Camera Real-life footage of nautical
nightmares as filmed and told by
survivors, from cruise ships pounded
by extraordinary weather to near-death
experiences on board sinking vessels
8.00 Bad Tenants, Rogue Landlords
A landlord discovers his tenant has
been subletting his north-west London
flat, while a family of squatters in
Woolwich are given two weeks to find
somewhere new to live
9.00 Humans New series. The newly
conscious Max, Mia and Flash try to
broker peace with the human world,
Laura fights for Synths’ rights and
Niska continues to pass herself off as a
human. See Viewing Guide (1/8) (AD)
9.00 Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away!
Gary and Paul try to recover a debt
owed by a Kent publican — only to find
themselves in the middle of a family at
war — and Stewart and Elmor
repossess a property in Liverpool
10.00 First Dates Butler Kit wants to
meet a man who shares his passion for
the royal family, and football-mad
James hopes to get the royal seal
of approval from Kate Middleton
lookalike Jodie (AD)
10.00 Me & My Mental Health
Documentary telling the stories of
people living with schizo-affective
disorder, OCD, bipolar, suicidal
thoughts, crippling depression and
borderline personality disorder
11.05 24 Hours in A&E A 52-year-old
woman who suffers from MS is
brought in with suspected sepsis, and
an 83-year-old woman is in A&E after
falling down the stairs (r) (AD)
11.05 The Snake Skin Woman:
Extraordinary People Tales of
human experience from around the
world, beginning with a woman who
has a condition that causes her skin to
grow 10 times faster than normal (r)
12.10am Catching a Killer: A Knock at the Door (r)
(AD) 1.20 What Makes a Woman? (r) (AD) 2.15 The 90s:
Ten Years That Changed the World (r) 3.40 Holidays
Unpacked (r) (AD) 4.10 Tricks of the Restaurant Trade (r)
(AD) 4.35 Steph and Dom’s One Star to Five Star (r) 5.00
Jamie’s Comfort Food (r) 5.10-6.00 Fifteen to One (r)
12.00 SuperCasino 3.10am GPs: Behind Closed Doors.
Patients include a former heroin user trying to wean
himself off methadone (r) (AD) 4.00 Get Your Tatts Out:
Kavos Ink. Lovebirds Ross and Claire ask for matching
designs (r) (SL) 4.45 House Doctor (r) (SL) 5.10 Great
Artists (r) (SL) 5.35-6.00 Wildlife SOS (r) (SL)
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
13
1G T
television & radio
Missions
BBC Four, 9pm
BBC Four’s first
international drama
with a sci-fi theme is an
intense ten-parter from
France about a flight to
Mars. The mission is
funded by a billionaire,
who is on board with
the French crew. Just
as they are about to
land on the Red Planet
they get bad news —
they have been pipped
to the post by an
American mission.
Then they receive a
distress call from their
rivals and their voyage
becomes a rescue
mission. And that’s not
all. “The ten-month
journey has
exacerbated dangerous
neuroses in various
crew members,”
says the French
crew’s psychiatrist.
Urban Myths
Sky Arts, 9pm
Shortly after 9.30pm
on December 3, 1926,
Agatha Christie
climbed into her
Morris Cowley and
drove off into the night.
She wouldn’t be seen
again for 11 days. Her
disappearance led
to an unprecedented
manhunt, and for this
episode of Urban
Myths, as in the
real-life case, Christie’s
crime-writing peers
Arthur Conan Doyle
(Bill Paterson) and
Dorothy L Sayers
(Rosie Cavaliero)
are involved in the
search. Nearly a
century later it is still
unclear where the
crime writer (played by
Anna Maxwell Martin)
went, but this vignette
has fun speculating.
The Week
That Wasn’t
Sky One, 10pm
The master mimic
Alistair McGowan is
reunited with Ronni
Ancona for the first
time since The Big
Impression in 2000-04
for this topical comedy
show that puts an
alternative spin on the
week’s events. The duo,
who are joined by
fellow impressionists
including Matt Forde
(Unspun), will re-voice
footage of celebrities,
literally putting words
into their mouths.
It’s recorded up to the
wire to keep it fresh,
so predicting exactly
what will feature is
impossible, but with
the royal wedding
days away, expect
mischief involving
Harry and Meghan.
Sport Choice
Sky Sports Golf, 10.30pm
The AT&T Byron
Nelson gets under
way today. This year
the tournament is at
Trinity Forest Golf
Club, south of
downtown Dallas. In
2017 Billy Horschel
defeated Jason Day,
who missed a 4ft putt
for par on the first
play-off hole.
Sky One
Sky Atlantic
Sky Living
Sky Arts
Sky Main Event
Variations
6.00am Animal 999 (r) 7.00 Meerkat Manor (r)
(AD) 8.00 Monkey Business (r) (AD) 9.00
Motorway Patrol (r) (AD) 10.00 Road Wars (r)
11.00 Sanctuary (r) 12.00 NCIS: Los Angeles
(r) 1.00pm Hawaii Five-0 (r) 3.00 NCIS: Los
Angeles (r) 4.00 Stargate SG-1 (r) 5.00 The
Simpsons (r) 5.30 Futurama (r) (AD)
6.00 Futurama. The gang freezes Santa (r)
6.30 The Simpsons. Triple bill (r)
8.00 Arrow. A familiar face returns
9.00 SEAL Team. The unit goes against its
Russian counterpart
10.00 The Week That Wasn’t. New series.
Satirical comedy show, starring Alistair
McGowan. See Viewing Guide
10.30 The Russell Howard Hour (r)
11.30 A League of Their Own: Rally Special
12.00 Brit Cops: Law & Disorder (r) (AD)
1.00am Ross Kemp: Extreme World. From the
Philippines (r) (AD) 2.00 Most Shocking (r)
(AD) 3.00 Jamestown (r) (AD) 4.00 Highway
Patrol (r) 5.00 It’s Me or the Dog (r)
6.00am Richard E Grant’s Hotel Secrets (r) (AD)
7.00 Fish Town (r) 8.00 Urban Secrets (r) 9.00
The West Wing 11.00 House (r) (AD) 1.00pm
Without a Trace 2.00 Blue Bloods (r) (AD) 3.00
The West Wing (r) 5.00 House (r)
6.00 House. A student collapses (r)
7.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. A horse
trainer dies in mysterious circumstances (r)
8.00 Blue Bloods. Danny finds a disorientated
man who is covered in blood (r) (AD)
9.00 Billions. Chuck Axe tries for a fresh
start at Axe Capital (8/12)
10.10 Silicon Valley. Richard deals with
some unsettling news
10.45 Barry. Barry tries to win Sally’s affections
11.20 Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. (r)
11.55 Hotspots: On the Frontline. Reporting in
troubled spots around the world
12.55am Mike Judge Presents: Tales from the
Tour Bus 1.30 Blue Bloods (r) 2.30 High
Maintenance (r) 3.05 Without a Trace
4.05 The West Wing. Double bill (r)
6.00am Motorway Patrol (r) (AD) 7.00
Highway Patrol (r) 7.30 Border Patrol (r) 8.00
Border Security: Canada’s Front Line (r) 9.00
Elementary (r) (AD) 10.00 CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation (r) 11.00 Cold Case (r) 12.00 The
Real A&E (r) (AD) 1.00pm Medical Emergency
(r) 2.00 Sun, Sea and A&E (r) (AD) 3.00
Nothing to Declare (r) 5.00 Border Security:
Canada’s Front Line (r)
6.00 Medical Emergency (r)
6.30 Medical Emergency (r)
7.00 Sun, Sea and A&E. Documentary following
British tourists hospitalised abroad (r) (AD)
8.00 Elementary (r) (AD)
9.00 Madam Secretary
10.00 World’s Most Evil Killers (r)
11.00 Criminal Minds (r)
12.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. A man is
suspected of killing his wife (r) 1.00am
Murders That Shocked the Nation (r) (AD) 2.00
Cold Case (r) 3.00 Nothing to Declare (r) (AD)
5.00 Border Security: Canada’s Front Line (r)
6.00am Brahms & Szymanowski Symphonies
7.50 André Rieu: Love Songs 9.00 Watercolour
Challenge 9.30 Art of the Portrait (AD) 10.00
The South Bank Show Originals 10.30 Tales of
the Unexpected (AD) 11.00 Classic Albums
12.00 Too Young to Die (AD) 1.00pm
Discovering: Gary Cooper (AD) 2.00 Watercolour
Challenge 2.30 Royalty Close Up 3.00 The South
Bank Show Originals 3.30 Tales of the
Unexpected (AD) 4.00 Classic Albums
5.00 Too Young to Die (AD)
6.00 Discovering: Natalie Wood (AD)
7.00 Mystery of the Lost Paintings
8.00 The Nineties. Documentary
9.00 Urban Myths: Agatha Christie. Comedy.
See Viewing Guide (AD)
9.30 Agatha Christie vs Hercule Poirot (AD)
10.45 Passions (AD)
11.45 Urban Myths: Agatha Christie (AD)
12.15am The Doors: Mr Mojo Risin’ — The
Story of LA Woman 1.30 The Cure: Trilogy Live
in Berlin 2.50 Jimi Hendrix: Electric Church
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans Bitesize
6.30 Live World Cup of Pool. Coverage of the
opening session on day three of the tournament,
which features three first-round matches at
Luwan Arena in Shanghai, China 10.30 Transfer
Centre 11.00 Live ATP Tennis: The Italian Open.
Coverage of day four of the ATP World Tour 1000
event from the Foro Italico in Rome, featuring
matches from the third round 1.30pm Live
Royal London One-Day Cup Cricket: Lancashire v
Nottinghamshire. Coverage of the match taking
place at Emirates Old Trafford Cricket Ground
7.00 Live Premier League Darts.
Coverage of play-off night at the O2 in
London, which features Michael van Gerwen v
Rob Cross, and Michael Smith v
Gary Anderson in the semi-finals
10.30 Live PGA Tour Golf: The AT&T Byron
Nelson. Further coverage of the opening day at
the Trinity Forest Golf Course, Dallas, a
tournament won by Billy Horschel last year
12.00 Sky Sports News
BBC One N Ireland
As BBC One except: 10.40pm The View
11.15 Question Time 12.15am This Week
1.00-6.00 BBC News
BBC Two N Ireland
As BBC Two except: 7.00pm-8.00 Home
Ground: Live at the Balmoral Show
BBC Two Scotland
As BBC Two except: 12.00-1.00pm First
Minister’s Questions 7.00 The Beechgrove
Garden. Favourite tomato varieties 7.30-8.00
Timeline (r) 11.15 Sportscene 12.0012.15am Grand Tours of Scotland
STV
As ITV except: 10.30pm Scotland Tonight
11.05 Great Art (AD) 12.05am Teleshopping
2.05 After Midnight 3.05 The Tower: A Year
On — Tonight (r) 3.30 ITV Nightscreen
4.05 The Jeremy Kyle Show (r)
5.00-6.00 Teleshopping
UTV
As ITV except: 12.35am Teleshopping
2.05-3.00 ITV Nightscreen
Subscribe today
Call 0800 056 4307 or visit thetimes.co.uk/offer
BBC Four
E4
More4
Film4
ITV2
7.00pm Beyond 100 Days; Weather. News and
analysis from Washington DC and London
7.30 The Sky at Night. Information about the
Milky Way recorded by an ESA space telescope
8.00 The Sky at Night Guides: Planets.
Maggie Aderin-Pocock uses the Sky at Night
archives for this guide to the exploration
of the planets, taking in epic storms on Jupiter
and the complex rings of Saturn
9.00 Missions. New series. Sci-fi drama
about the first manned mission to Mars.
See Viewing Guide (1/10)
9.25 Missions. A sub-team seeks salvage —
only to find a body. See Viewing Guide (2/10)
9.50 Horizon: A Short Trip into Space. Short film
travelling around the cosmos (1/5)
10.00 Nasa: Triumph and Tragedy. America’s
leading role in the space race (1/2) (AD)
11.00 Rise of the Continents.
The formation of Earth’s major land masses,
beginning with Africa (AD)
12.00 Dissected: The Incredible Human Hand
(AD) 1.00am The Last Seabird Summer? (AD)
2.00 The Sky at Night Guides: Planets (SL)
3.00-4.00 Nasa: Triumph and Tragedy (AD, SL)
6.00am Hollyoaks (AD) 7.00 Couples Come
Dine with Me 8.00 How I Met Your Mother (AD)
9.00 New Girl (AD) 10.00 2 Broke Girls (AD)
11.00 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (AD) 12.00 The
Goldbergs (AD) 1.00pm The Big Bang Theory
(AD) 2.00 How I Met Your Mother (AD)
3.00 New Girl (AD) 4.00 Black-ish (AD)
5.00 The Goldbergs. Double bill (AD)
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (AD)
6.30 The Big Bang Theory (AD)
7.00 Hollyoaks (AD)
7.30 Black-ish (AD)
8.00 The Big Bang Theory (AD)
8.30 Young Sheldon (AD)
9.00 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (AD)
9.30 Let’s Get Physical (AD)
10.00 The Inbetweeners (AD)
10.35 Friday Night Dinner (AD)
11.05 The Big Bang Theory (AD)
12.00 First Dates (AD) 1.10am Tattoo Fixers
(AD) 2.10 The Inbetweeners (AD, SL) 2.40
Friday Night Dinner (AD) 3.05 Brooklyn
Nine-Nine (AD) 3.30 Let’s Get Physical (AD)
3.55 New Girl. Double bill (AD)
4.40 Couples Come Dine with Me
8.55am Food Unwrapped (AD) 9.30 A Place in
the Sun: Winter Sun 11.35 Four in a Bed
2.10pm Come Dine with Me 4.50 A Place in the
Sun: Winter Sun 5.55 A New Life in the Sun
6.55 The Secret Life of the Zoo. Mr Parsons the
chameleon meets a new mate (AD)
7.55 Grand Designs. Kevin McCloud follows the
progress of Stephen Yeoman and Anita Findlay,
who want to build a post-industrial house in the
traditional area of South Downs (7/9) (AD)
9.00 The Good Fight. One of the partners
becomes the latest victim of the Kill All Lawyers
campaign — and the police target two of the
firm’s high-profile clients as suspects (AD)
10.05 Emergency Helicopter Medics. Medics
take drastic steps to reset a patient’s
dangerously fast heartbeat (AD)
11.05 My Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding.
Documentary going behind the scenes of an Irish
traveller couple’s big day (AD)
12.10am Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA.
Gordon Ramsay heads to Florida to help an
Italian restaurant 1.05 The Good Fight (AD)
2.15 My Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding (AD)
3.15-3.55 8 Out of 10 Cats: Best Bits
11.00am My Darling Clementine (PG,
1946) Western starring Henry Fonda (b/w)
(AD) 1.00pm Hatari! (U, 1962) Comedy
adventure starring John Wayne, Red Buttons,
Hardy Kruger and Elsa Martinelli 4.10 The Dam
Busters (U, 1955) Fact-based Second World
War drama starring Michael Redgrave (b/w)
6.55 Men in Black 3 (PG, 2012) Sci-fi
comedy sequel starring Will Smith,
Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones (AD)
9.00 Pitch Perfect 2 (12, 2015) The Barden
Bellas try to recover from a disastrous
performance by winning the World
Championships of A Cappella. Comedy sequel
starring Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson
11.15 Spring Breakers (18, 2012) Four
teenage girls arrested while on a wild holiday in
Florida are seduced further into crime by a
hedonistic gangster. Drama starring
James Franco and Selena Gomez
1.05am-4.00 Marley (15, 2012)
Documentary about Bob Marley, examining his
life and his enduring political and musical
impact. Featuring contributions from family
members and fellow reggae artists
6.00am The Planet’s Funniest Animals 6.20
Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records 7.10
Who’s Doing the Dishes? (AD) 7.55 Emmerdale
(AD) 8.25 Coronation Street (AD) 9.25 The
Ellen DeGeneres Show 10.20 The Bachelor
12.15pm Emmerdale (AD) 12.45 Coronation
Street (AD) 1.45 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
2.35 The Jeremy Kyle Show
6.00 You’ve Been Framed! Gold
8.00 Two and a Half Men. Walden feels put out
when Nicole prioritises her software project
over him, so he offers to help her with it
8.30 Superstore. Jonah tries to help Amy
secure a hot new video game (AD)
9.00 Family Guy (AD)
9.30 Family Guy (AD)
10.00 Celebrity Juice. With Shirley Ballas, Big
Narstie, Will Mellor and Johnny Vegas
10.50 Family Guy (AD)
11.15 Family Guy (AD)
11.45 American Dad! (AD)
12.15am American Dad! (AD) 12.40 Plebs (AD)
1.15 Two and a Half Men 1.40 Superstore (AD)
2.10 Totally Bonkers Guinness World Records
2.20 Teleshopping 5.50 ITV2 Nightscreen
ITV3
ITV4
Dave
Drama
Yesterday
6.00am Classic Coronation Street 6.55
Heartbeat (AD) 7.55 The Royal 9.00 Judge Judy
10.20 A Touch of Frost 12.35pm The Royal
1.40 Heartbeat (AD) 2.40 Classic Coronation
Street 3.50 On the Buses 4.55 You’re Only
Young Twice 5.25 George and Mildred
6.00 Heartbeat. David becomes a local hero
after chasing an armed robber and Liz has a
difficult decision to make after receiving an
exciting offer from Ben (AD)
7.00 Murder, She Wrote. A charity raffle at the
Cabot Cove Community Centre is marred by a
shooting incident, and a blackmailer targets a
wealthy engaged couple (AD)
8.00 Vera. Joined by a new addition to the
ranks, Vera and the team investigate the murder
of a respected surgeon and the abduction of his
two teenage daughters (2/4) (AD)
10.00 Lewis. A killer targets members of a
religious group, and it soon becomes clear that
Hathaway knows more about the case than
he is willing to reveal (3/4) (AD)
12.00 Lucan (AD) 1.30am George and Mildred
2.00 ITV3 Nightscreen 2.30 Teleshopping
6.00am The Chase 6.50 Pawn Stars
7.40 Cash Cowboys 8.40 Quincy ME 9.40
Minder (AD) 10.40 The Sweeney 11.50 The
Avengers 12.55pm Ironside 2.00 Live ITV
Racing: Live from York. Coverage of the second
day of the Dante Festival 4.30 The Avengers
5.40 Cycling: Tour Series
6.45 Live Uefa European U17 Championship.
(Kick-off 7.00) A semi-final match, as the
winners of the second and fourth quarter-finals
face each other at Chesterfield Stadium
9.00 FILM: A View to a Kill (PG, 1985)
James Bond battles a megalomaniac computer
tycoon plotting to cause a devastating
earthquake in California’s Silicon Valley.
Spy adventure starring Roger Moore,
Christopher Walken and Grace Jones (AD)
11.40 FILM: Passenger 57 (15, 1992)
An ex-cop boards a flight on which a terrorist is
being transported to prison and becomes
embroiled in a hijack attempt. Action thriller,
starring Wesley Snipes and Bruce Payne (AD)
1.30am River Monsters (SL) 2.35 Tommy
Cooper 3.00 Teleshopping
6.00am Home Shopping 7.10 Top Gear (AD)
8.10 American Pickers 9.00 Storage Hunters UK
10.00 American Pickers 1.00pm QI XL 2.00 Top
Gear (AD) 3.00 Deadly 60 4.00 Steve Austin’s
Broken Skull Challenge 5.00 Top Gear (AD)
6.00 Taskmaster. The contestants must
hand an item of clothing to a cyclist
7.00 QI XL. Jo Brand, Ben Goldacre,
Andy Hamilton and regular panellist Alan Davies
join host Stephen Fry on an extended version
of the quiz with a difference
8.00 Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. Jon
Richardson, joined each week by fellow
comedians and a series of experts, attempts to
analyse the things that worry him most in life
9.00 QI XL. With guests Jason Manford,
Sara Pascoe and Jeremy Clarkson
10.00 Room 101. With guests Len Goodman,
Ronni Ancona and Tim Vine
10.40 Mock the Week
11.20 Mock the Week
12.00 QI 12.40am Mock the Week 2.00 QI
2.40 The Last Man on Earth 3.30 The
Indestructibles 4.00 Home Shopping
7.10am The Bill 8.00 London’s Burning (AD)
9.00 Casualty (AD) 10.00 Juliet Bravo
11.00 The Bill 12.00 Lovejoy 1.00pm Last of
the Summer Wine 1.40 Hi-de-Hi! 2.20 Are You
Being Served? 3.00 London’s Burning (AD)
4.00 Lovejoy. Double bill
6.00 Hi-de-Hi! A new season begins, but Jeffrey
appears to have vanished
6.40 Are You Being Served?
7.20 Last of the Summer Wine. Hobbo tells
Howard to stand up for himself
8.00 Death in Paradise. A birdwatcher is
stabbed to death with his own knife (6/8) (AD)
9.00 The Doctor Blake Mysteries. A psychiatric
nurse is found murdered at the asylum (7/10)
10.00 New Tricks. Sandra and her seasoned
colleagues reopen the case of a political
aide’s murder (7/10) (AD)
11.10 Birds of a Feather. Dorien’s latest young
hunk becomes involved in an anti-fur protest
11.55 The Bill. Quinnan revisits the scene
of his stabbing (1/3)
1.00am Juliet Bravo 2.10 Emma 3.00 The
Pinkertons (AD) 4.00 Home Shopping
6.00am Coast (AD) 7.10 Who Do You Think You
Are? (AD) 8.00 Time Team 9.00 Coast (AD)
10.00 Cash in the Attic 11.00 Impossible
Engineering (AD) 12.00 Time Team
1.00pm Africa (AD) 2.00 Frozen Planet (AD)
3.00 Coast (AD) 4.00 Medieval Dead
5.00 Impossible Engineering (AD)
6.00 The World at War. Documentary
7.00 Private Lives of the Tudors. Tracy Borman
explores the life of Elizabeth I
8.00 The Stuarts: A Bloody Reign. The downfall
of the Wynn family during the brief reign of
James II. Last in the series (AD)
9.00 dinnerladies. Tony makes a discovery that
puts a damper on the millennium dinner (AD)
9.40 dinnerladies. Petula’s lifestyle catches up
with her, forcing Bren to make a decision (AD)
10.20 dinnerladies. Bren frets over the
implementation of a new initiative (AD)
11.00 Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?
11.40 Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?
12.20am Whatever Happened to the Likely
Lads? 1.00 The World at War 2.00 Scotland’s
Murder Mysteries 3.00 Home Shopping
BBC Alba
5.00pm Leugh le Linda (r) 5.20 Bruno (r)
5.22 Igam Ogam (r) 5.30 Flapair is a
Charaidean (Flapper and Friends) (r) 5.40 Su
Shiusaidh (Little Suzy’s Zoo) (r) 5.45 Na
Floogals (r) 5.55 Botannan Araid Uilleim
(William’s Wish Wellingtons) (r) 6.00 Seoc
(Jack) (r) 6.15 Tree Fu Tom (r) 6.35 Am
Prionnsa Beag (The Little Prince) (r) 7.00
Bailtean Alba (Scotland’s Towns) (r) 7.25 Horo
Gheallaidh Shorts (Celtic Music Shorts) (r)
7.30 Aithne air Ainmhidhean (All About
Animals) (r) 7.55 Earrann Eachdraidh (History
Shorts) (r) 8.00 An Là (News) 8.30 Fianais
9.00 Sgeulachd Deacon Brodie (r) 10.00
Belladrum 2017: Neon Waltz 10.25 Impireachd
Banrigh Bhictoria (Queen Victoria’s Empire)
11.20 Fraochy Bay (r) 11.25-12.00
Air an Rathad (On the Road) (r)
S4C
6.00am Cyw: Rapsgaliwn (r) 6.15 Blero yn
Mynd i Ocido (r) 6.25 Halibalw (r) 6.35 Igam
Ogam (r) 6.50 Sam Tân (r) 7.00 Chwedlau
Tinga Tinga (r) 7.10 Yn yr Ardd (r) 7.25 Dip
Dap (r) 7.30 Patrôl Pawennau (r) 7.45
Cacamwnci 8.00 Syrcas Deithiol Dewi (r) 8.10
Pingu (r) 8.15 Boj (r) 8.30 Abadas (r) 8.40 Bla
Bla Blewog (r) 8.55 Ben a Mali a’u Byd Bach O
Hud (r) 9.05 Sbridiri (r) 9.25 Meripwsan (r)
9.30 Straeon Ty Pen (r) 9.45 Cei Bach (r)
10.00 Rapsgaliwn (r) 10.15 Blero yn Mynd i
Ocido (r) 10.25 Halibalw (r) 10.35 Igam Ogam
(r) 10.50 Sam Tân (r) 11.00 Chwedlau Tinga
Tinga (r) 11.10 Yn yr Ardd (r) 11.25 Dip Dap
(r) 11.30 Patrôl Pawennau (r) 11.45
Cacamwnci (r) 12.00 News S4C a’r Tywydd
12.05pm Wrecsam ’Di Wrexham (r) (AD)
12.30 Ffit Cymru (r) 1.30 Sion a Siân (r) 2.00
News S4C a’r Tywydd 2.05 Prynhawn Da 3.00
News S4C a’r Tywydd 3.05 04 Wal Yn Yr Haul
(r) 4.00 Awr Fawr 5.00 Stwnsh: Ffeil 5.05
Stwnsh: Y Barf (r) 5.30 Stwnsh: Sbargo (r)
5.35 Stwnsh: Kung Fu Panda (r) 6.00 News
S4C a’r Tywydd 6.05 ’Sgota gyda Julian Lewis
Jones. Rhys Llywelyn and professional
fisherman Steffan Jones join Julian Lewis
Jones as he tries fly-fishing for the first time
on the Teifi River in Llandysul (r) (AD) 6.30
Rownd a Rownd. Meical’s fatigue is having a
detrimental effect on his work, leading to
further conflict with Michelle. Mags makes her
mark in Copa, and Philip proves popular with
the ladies (AD) 7.00 Heno 7.30 Pobol y Cwm.
Gwyneth sees Sioned enjoying herself in the
Deri and finds herself longing for the friendship
they once shared (AD) 8.00 Y Ty Arian. The
Richards family from Brithdir near Dolgellau
spend 48 hours in the Y Ty Arian house, aiming
to improve their financial situation so they can
afford a dream holiday 9.00 News 9 a’r Tywydd
9.30 Cwymp yr Ymerodraethau. The historian
Hywel Williams uses moments in history
to account for the fall of the British Empire.
Last in the series 10.30 Mwy o Sgorio. Cefn
Druids manager Huw Griffiths joins Dylan
Ebenezer and Malcolm Allen to discuss the
latest stories from world of football and the JD
Welsh Premier League play-offs (r)
11.00-11.35 Ar y Bysus (r)
14
Thursday May 17 2018 | the times
1G T
MindGames
1
2
3
4
Codeword No 3338
5
26
6
8
7
4
8
9
6
11
10
26
1
19
23
14
11
7
9
22
13
19
1
9
5
13
2
23
5
14
16
1
3
26
26
9
2
2
8
9
21
1
19
23
3
4
3
5
5
2
3
5
2
26
14
23
1
2
6
16
17
20
9
24
15
9
14
26
5
13
2
14
13
5
26
16
12
6
9
26
13
10
21
Train Tracks No 410
© PUZZLER MEDIA
times2 Crossword No 7654
16
3
A
25
3
20
4
15
20
16
17
23
22
11
14
12
13
23
16
19
20
23
2
3
22
1
O
19
16
14
9
21
17
25
23
8
9
V
21
6
18
7
22
6
5
13
9
13
26
6
1
19
26
6
6
13
9
B
13
Lay tracks to enable the train to travel from village A to
village B. The numbers indicate how many sections of rail
go in each row and column. There are only straight rails
and curved rails. The track cannot cross itself.
22
7
Across
1
8
9
10
11
13
14
16
17 Story; lie (4)
20 Priest, chaplain (5)
21 Measure purely to calm or
humour another (7)
22 Igor —, composer (10)
Done intentionally (10)
Vincent —, painter (3,4)
Breed of dog (5)
Vegetable (4)
Cloth; matter (8)
Military regime (5)
Consumed (5)
Army fighters (8)
25
26
22
23
T
H
I
R
S
T
Y
D
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
12
13
15
18
19
1
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
9
10
11
22
23
24
V
12
13
25
26
Win a Dictionary & Thesaurus
Fill the grid so
that every
column, every
row and every
3x2 box contains
the digits 1 to 6
M
O
Demon (5)
Old transparency (7,5)
Reserve; volume (4)
Warm again (6)
Issued with travel permit
(8)
Puzzles (5-7)
Stringed instrument (6)
Clear, obvious (8)
Mary's husband (6)
Italian brandy (6)
Blackish wood (5)
Monkey; author (4)
Need help with today’s puzzle? Call 0906 757 7188 to check the
answers. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
EXCITING NEWS FOR BRIDGE FANS
Every letter in this crossword-style grid has been substituted for a number
from 1 to 26. Each letter of the alphabet appears in the grid at least once. Use
the letters already provided to work out the identity of further letters. Enter
letters in the main grid and the smaller reference grid until all 26 letters of the
alphabet have been accounted for. Proper nouns are excluded.
Yesterday’s solution, right
Cluelines Stuck on Codeword? To receive 4 random clues call 0901 322 5000 or
text TIMECODE to 84901. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network
access charge. Texts cost £1 plus your standard network charge. For the full solution
call 0907 181 1055. Calls cost 80p per minute plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5.30pm).
Lexica No 4267
O
E
W
H
P
T
I
I
A
A
T
B
H
S
W
R
Y
H
U
O
H
A
G
N
U
K
I
T
D
I
A
S
M
E
O
P
Calls cost £1.00 (ROI €1.50) plus your telephone company’s
network access charge. Texts cost £1 plus your standard
network charge. Winners will be picked at random from all
correct answers received. One draw per week. Lines close at
midnight tonight. If you call or text after this time you will not
be entered but will still be charged. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390
(Mon-Fri, 9am-5.30pm).
What are your favourite
puzzles in MindGames?
Email: puzzles@thetimes.co.uk
L
Slide the letters either horizontally or vertically back into the grid to produce
a completed crossword. Letters are allowed to slide over other letters
Futoshiki No 3174
<
© 2010 KENKEN PUZZLE & TM NEXTOY. DIST. BY UFS, INC. WWW.KENKEN.COM
O
B
E
To book call 0330 160 8572 or visit thetimes.co.uk/bridge-tour.
KenKen Difficult No 4330
Y
Winners will receive a Collins English Dictionary & Thesaurus
Solve the puzzle and text in the numbers in the three
shaded boxes. Text TIMES followed by a space, then your
three numbers, eg, TIMES 123, plus your name, address
and postcode to 84901 (UK only), by midnight. Or enter
by phone. Call 09012 925274 (ROI 1516 303 501)
by midnight. Leave your three answer numbers (in any
order) and your contact details.
No 4268
L
We have teamed up with Arena Travel to offer you the bridge player's
holiday of a lifetime. Your destination will be the flower-filled island of
Madeira where, for seven nights, you can play duplicate bridge and
improve your skills in five-star luxury.
All the digits 1 to 6 must appear in every row and column. In
each thick-line “block”, the target number in the top lefthand corner is calculated from the digits in all the cells in the
block, using the operation indicated by the symbol.
4
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Down
Solution to Crossword 7653
E E Q
CRY P
ME ACU L P A E
P R A
J
O
B L OW R E F O R M E
O
I
T
L
A
K YRGY Z
P E ANU
E A
R R
S ECURE S Y Z YG
L O M
K A O
A I RBORNE ME A
L
D U
W B
T
O E
T I ME L I NE
MYRRH
R A E
26
Kakuro No 2133
4
∧
3
∨
∧
3
∧
∧
>
Fill the blank squares so that every row and column contains
each of the numbers 1 to 5 once only. The symbols between
the squares indicate whether a number is larger (>) or
smaller (<) than the number next to it.
30
4
29
12
7
16
34
17
10
11
4
3
Fill the grid using
the numbers 1 to 9
only. The numbers
in each horizontal
or vertical run of
white squares add
up to the total in
the triangle to its
left or above it.
The same number
may occur more
than once in a row
or column, but not
within the same
run of white
squares.
24
28
38
21
4
16
17
13
7
19
>
3
29
4
4
4
26
16
25
29
3
10
30
19
8
6
8
28
3
4
8
14
3
12
6
4
© PUZZLER MEDIA
20
5
2
M
18
the times | Thursday May 17 2018
15
1G T
MindGames
Continuing my series on decisive
games between the world champion and his challenger in the
run-up to the 2018 World Chess
Championship Match scheduled
for London in November, the
game that follows will be a great
consolation for all those devotees
of the Stonewall Variation of the
Dutch Defence. Only too often,
Black practitioners of this line are
misled by the will-o’-the-wisp of
an attack against White’s solid
kingside. In contrast, the world
champion demonstrates the endgame potential of the Dutch by
focusing on simplification and
early occupation of critical central
points, in particular e4.
White: Fabiano Caruana
Black: Magnus Carlsen
Gashimov Memorial, Shamkir 2015
Dutch Defence
1 d4 f5 2 g3 Nf6 3 Bg2 e6 4 c4 c6
5 Nf3 d5 6 0-0 Bd6 7 b3 Qe7 8
Bb2 b6 9 Ne5 Bb7 10 Nd2 0-0 11
Rc1 a5
Carlsen’s strategy is to eschew
operations on the kingside and
instead prefer action on the a-file.
12 e3 Na6 13 Nb1
This is a rather odd move. 13
Qe2 has been seen often here and
gives White a slight edge.
13 ... Bxe5 14 dxe5 Ne4 15 Qe2 a4
16 Nc3
Caruana’s play is rather compliant. More energetic was 16 Ba3
c5 17 f3 Ng5 18 cxd5 exd5 19 bxa4,
opening the position and giving
his bishops a chance to operate.
16 ... axb3 17 axb3 Qb4 18 Nxe4
dxe4
The blocked nature of the position means the white bishops are
not a threat. In fact Black’s knight
promises to be a far more effective piece than either of them.
19 Qc2 Nc5 20 Bc3 Qxb3 21
Qxb3 Nxb3 22 Rb1 Nc5 23 Rxb6
Na4 24 Rxb7 Nxc3 25 Re7 Rfe8
26 Rxe8+ Rxe8 27 Ra1 Rd8 28
Bf1 c5 29 Ra3 Nb1 30 Ra1
White goes passive. 30 Ra5 was
preferable as 30 ... Rd1 in reply
can be met by 31 Ra1, with an
awkward pin on the knight.
30 ... Nd2 31 Be2 Nf3+ 32 Bxf3
exf3
________
á D 4 DkD]
àD D D 0p]
ß D DpD D]
ÞD 0 )pD ]
Ý DPD D D]
ÜD D )p) ]
Û D D ) )]
Ú$ D D I ]
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ
This endgame is very difficult
for White as his king is boxed in.
33 h3 h5 34 g4 fxg4 35 hxg4 h4
Clever and much stronger than
35 ... hxg4, when the white king
can simply advance to g3.
36 Kh2 Rd2 37 Kh3 g5 38 e4 Rd4
Not falling for White’s ingenious trap. After 38 ... Rxf2 39 Ra8+
Kf7 40 Ra7+ Kg6 41 Rg7+! leads to
a draw as the capture of the rook
results in stalemate.
39 Ra8+ Kf7 40 Ra3 Rxc4 41
Rxf3+ Ke7 42 Re3 Rd4 43 f3 c4
44 Ra3 Rd3 45 Ra7+ Kd8 46 Kg2
c3 47 Ra4 c2 48 Rc4 Rd2+ 49
Kh3 Kd7 50 Rc5 Rf2 51 f4 Rf3+
52 Kh2 Rxf4 White resigns
________
á DrD 4kD] Winning Move
àDpD D gp]
ß 1p) DpD] Black to play. This position is from
4NCL 2018.
Þ0 D D H ] Green-Pigott,
White has just retreated his queen to c1,
ÝPD DpDPD] which proved to be an unfortunate choice
ÜDPD D h ] of square for tactical reasons. Can you see
Û DRD )BD] how Black immediately exploited this?
ÚD !RD I ] For up-to-the-minute information, follow
ÁÂÃÄÅÆÇÈ my tweets on twitter.com/times_chess.
EASY
48 – 6
MEDIUM
19 SQUARE
+ 58 x 2 + 37
IT
♠ J 10
N
♥8
W
♦Q
S
♣K
♠Q 6
♥K 7
♦7
♣-
E
♠♥9 6 4
♦J
♣A
Declarer (as he had to) led the
six of spades and ruffed it in
dummy. And he carefully ruffed it
with dummy’s ace (key play),
though it appears to matter not a
jot whether he ruffs it with the ace
or queen. East threw the ace of
clubs (best).
At trick ten, declarer led
dummy’s queen of clubs. If East
had ruffed low (or not at all),
declarer could have (over)ruffed
with the seven and crossruffed the
king and queen to land the first 12
tricks. East defended best, ruffing
the queen of clubs with the nine of
hearts.
Declarer had to discard a diamond and let East’s nine of hearts
win (overruff and he has no
1♠
Pass
2♣
Pass
2♥
Pass
3♦(1) Pass
3♥ (2) Pass
4♦(3) Pass
6♥ (4) End
(1) A tad good simply to raise to 4♥ , North
uses Fourth Suit Forcing.
(2) Showing his 5♠ -5♥ shape.
(3) Ace-showing cue bid, inferentially
agreeing partner’s hearts.
(4) Loves ♦A opposite (and no semiwasted ♣A).
andrew.robson@thetimes.co.uk
+1/2
OF IT
3/
5
OF IT
80%
OF IT
+6
x 3 – 18
– 67
50%
OF IT
+ 87 x 2
90%
OF IT
– 788
x 3 – 117
+1/2
OF IT
4
3
6 6
3
3
2
2
3
6
3
6
Divide the grid
into square or
rectangular
blocks, each
containing one
digit only.
Every block
must contain
the number of
cells indicated
by the digit
inside it.
2
Set Square No 2136
From these letters, make words of four
or more letters, always including the
central letter. Answers must be in the
Concise Oxford Dictionary, excluding
capitalised words, plurals, conjugated
verbs (past tense etc), adverbs ending in
LY, comparatives and superlatives.
How you rate 14 words, average;
19, good; 24, very good; 29, excellent
Yesterday’s answers
agree, barège, barge, bargee, beige,
berg, brag, brig, eager, eagre, garb, gear,
gibe, give, giver, grab, grave, greave,
grebe, grieve, rage, vegie, verbiage,
verge, viga, virga
Killer Gentle No 6010
12
10
3
5
16
8
17
3
16
5min
23
14
10
16
9
16
11
18
3
4
18
8
9
4
23
16
5
9
11
10
16
10
22
4
19
11
28
26
K
I
L
O
B
I
T
T
H
U
G
NO
U
E T
E
UR
H
OE
B
CR
I
E D
E
A S
29
22
20
16
7
29
22
10
11
15
8
19
21
22
14
11
As with standard Sudoku, fill the grid so that every
column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the
digits 1 to 9. Each set of cells joined by dotted lines
must add up to the target number in its top-left corner.
Within each set of cells joined by dotted lines, a digit
cannot be repeated.
x
+
+
x
x
=
56
=
23
=
38
Please note, BODMAS does not apply
S AWD U S
H
R
N
YOD E
C E
A
E
A R A L A RM
S
E M
P
A N T I C
A
D
L
MCR A C K E
I
H W
DR AGOO
GE
R
I
N O
DODG
T R I C
1
4
7
9
2
5
6
3
8
8
9
5
6
4
3
2
7
1
2
6
3
7
8
1
9
4
5
3
8
6
4
1
7
5
2
9
7
2
1
8
5
9
3
6
4
T
A
L
K
S
Y
R
I
N
G
E
Set Square 2135
9
5
4
3
6
2
1
8
7
6
7
9
1
3
8
4
5
2
5
1
7
2
9
4
3
8
6
8
6
4
3
7
5
1
2
9
2
3
9
8
6
1
4
7
5
4
7
6
5
1
2
9
3
8
3
8
5
7
4
9
6
1
2
4
1
2
5
7
6
8
9
3
5
3
8
2
9
4
7
1
6
7
÷
1
+
x
+
8
-
-
x
+
3
x
5
+
2
4
7
5
8
4
3
6
2
9
1
6
9
3
1
2
8
7
5
4
1
4
2
9
5
7
8
6
3
3
5
4
9
7
1
2
6
8
9
8
7
6
4
2
3
5
1
2
6
1
8
5
3
9
4
7
5
9
3
2
8
7
6
1
4
8
7
6
3
1
4
5
2
9
4
1
2
5
6
9
8
7
3
7
3
9
4
2
6
1
8
5
6
4
8
1
9
5
7
3
2
1
2
5
7
3
8
4
9
6
8
6
5
9
3
4
1
7
2
9
7
3
1
8
2
5
6
4
4
2
1
5
7
6
3
9
8
5
9
8
4
2
3
6
1
7
1
3
7
8
6
5
4
2
9
2
4
6
7
9
1
8
3
5
3
5
2
6
4
9
7
8
1
7
1
9
3
5
8
2
4
6
6
8
4
2
1
7
9
5
3
9
2
4
8
5
1
3
7
6
5
8
6
7
3
4
9
2
1
8
1
5
4
7
6
2
3
9
4
9
2
5
8
3
6
1
7
6
3
7
1
9
2
4
8
5
2
4
3
6
1
7
5
9
8
1
5
9
3
4
8
7
6
2
7
6
8
9
2
5
1
4
3
V E
X
AC
E
L
I T L Y
O O
MONG
U
UB E R
U
T
T L Y
L
O
RD I D
O D
U Z Z I
E
T
ORR Y
4 2
2 1
5 3 2
1
2 6
1 3
5 2
2 7 1
4 9 6
1 8 3
+
6
2
1
3
5
7
8 9
7
6 7 9 1
9
7 2
4
7 9 4
9 8 6
2 1
4
2 1 3
8 2 1 3
7 3 9
5
3
1
2
4
7
9
8
6
8
9
5 4
1 2
3 1
Train Tracks 409
1
Quintagram
1 Kale
2 Deal
3 Gangster
4 Cape Horn
5 Fidelity
5
1
4
6
3
2
4
2
4
2
5
4
A
3
5
1
6
B
B
L
Y
W
B
E
I
A
T
N
A
T
I
Cell Blocks 3220
Lexica 4266
B
D
A
G
S
G
K
L
N
I
N
H
A
V
O
E
E
U
G
R
Y
N
T
Futoshiki 3173
Suko 2239
5
∨
4
1 < 3
2
4
5
3
2
1
2
2
3 < 4
3
4
5
2
5 3
2
6
2
2
2
2
2
6
3
3
6 3
Word watch
Chiliad (b) A
thousand years
Cucumiform (a)
Shaped like a
cucumber
Cucullated (c)
Hooded
4 > 3
∧
5
1
2 > 1
KenKen 4329
X
N
G
E
1
∧
5
O
Brain Trainer
Easy 84
Medium 632
Harder 8,781
Chess
Killer 6009
3
7
1
2
6
9
8
5
4
AC
H
A
S
T
E
AN
x
9
O
9
2
1
6
8
3
5
4
7
Kakuro 2132
L I M I T
T
O A
R
A
CONQU E R
U
N
N
S N E AK E R
T
Q
H
L U X UR I
F
I
P
N
R E N EW O
A
A
CHA I R
J
A
C
D O
S A T I S F Y
Killer 6008
23
3
x
from 1 to 9 in
the grid, so
that the six
sums work.
= 12 We’ve placed
two numbers
to get you
started. Each
should be
= 80 sum
calculated left
to right or top
to bottom.
x
Codeword 3337
L L
J
T U
B
G L
J
C A
N
E A
Sudoku 9873
22
x
Lexica 4265
27min
= 33 the numbers
x
1
Sudoku 9872
Killer Tough No 6011
Enter each of
-
x
Quick Cryptic 1092
7
5
x
Solutions
Sudoku 9871
Contract: 6♥ , Opening Lead: ♦2
chance). East now led the four of
hearts (best).
Declarer realised his only hope
was for the eight of hearts to be
singleton. Multon rose with the
king of hearts (oh joy, West’s eight
appearing) and could underplay
with dummy’s queen (the wisdom
of ruffing with dummy’s ace earlier can now clearly be seen). He
could cash the seven of hearts,
drawing East’s six, and score the
last trick with his queen of spades.
Small slam made — a real tour de
force from the Monégasque.
x 5 + 616
÷ 4 + 12
© PUZZLER MEDIA
14
Franck Multon played one of the Dealer: South, Vulnerability: Neither
great hands of the year at the 2nd
Advanced
♠7
European Winter Games in Teams
♥AQ J 10
Monaco. Declaring 6♥, he won
♦
A965
West’s diamond lead with the king,
♣Q 9 7 3
cashed the ace of spades and
♠ J 10 9 4 3 N
♠K 8
ruffed a spade, bringing down
♥8
♥9 6 4
W E
East’s king. He ruffed a club,
♦Q 8 2
♦J 10 3
S
♣K 10 5 2♠ AQ 6 5 2 ♣A J 8 6 4
crossed to the ace of diamonds,
ruffed a second club, ruffed a
♥K 7 5 3 2
spade and ruffed a third club.
♦K 7 4
We have reached this five-card
♣ending with the lead in hand and
S
(Multon) W
N
E
declarer needing four more tricks.
+2/3
OF IT
+8
Polygon
Bridge Andrew Robson
♠♥AQ
♦9 6
♣Q
126
HARDER
x2
ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER
Dutch treat
Cell Blocks No 3221
Brain Trainer
© PUZZLER MEDIA
Chess Raymond Keene
1 ... Rxf2! is
crushing as 2
Rxf2 Ne2+ wins
the white queen
Quiz
1 Judas Iscariot 2 Pictures at an Exhibition 3 Casio
4 Theseus 5 Marmite Food Extract Company. Von
Liebig found that brewer’s yeast could be concentrated
then eaten 6 Easter Rising of 1916 7 Gary Powers
8 Islam 9 Barnaby Rudge 10 A goldfish [princess
who wants to become a human girl] 11 Behemoth
12 Turkey 13 Marduk 14 Malaysian Grand Prix
15 André the Giant or André René Roussimoff
17.05.18
MindGames
Sudoku
Mild No 9874
Fill the grid so that every
column, every row and
every 3x3 box contains
the digits 1 to 9.
Word watch
Josephine
Balmer
Fiendish No 9875
4
6
7
8
2
3
3
Cucumiform
a Shaped like a
cucumber
b Ancient writing
c A marching order
Cucullated
a U-shaped
b Drunk
c Hooded
Answers on page 15
7
3
9
4 5
1 8
2 9
3
PUZZLER MEDIA
Chiliad
a A fashionable event
b A thousand years
c A spicy dish
6 8
3
9
7
9
3
4
2 5 6
7
5
3
1 4 8
4
7
1
6
1
8
2
5
Super fiendish No 9876
6
5
6 4
6
2
7 5
2 8
3 6 7
6 4
9
2
2 1 8
4
7
4 1
4
2 1
1
7
2
6
8
7
3 5
6
2 9
3
Cluelines Stuck on Sudoku, Killer or KenKen? Call 0901 322 5005 before midnight to receive four clues for any of today’s
puzzles. Calls cost 75p plus your telephone company’s network access charge. SP: Spoke, 0333 202 3390 (Mon-Fri 9am-5.30pm).
The Times Daily Quiz Olav Bjortomt
Suko No 2239
GETTY IMAGES
1 In Dante’s Inferno,
the middle mouth of a
three-faced Lucifer is
eating which apostle?
11 The Russian word
for hippopotamus is
derived from which
massive beast in the
book of Job?
2 Which 1971 live
album by Emerson,
Lake & Palmer is a
recording of a 10-piece
suite by Mussorgsky?
12 In which country was
its biggest daily paper,
Zaman, closed by decree
No 668 in 2016?
3 Popular with
military personnel,
G-Shock watches
are made by which
Japanese company?
15
6 The Irish republican
James Connolly
(1868-1916) was shot
as one of the leaders
of which event?
4 In Greek myth,
which hero slew
the Minotaur?
7 In 1977, which
former U-2 spy
plane pilot died in a
helicopter crash as
a reporter in Los
Angeles?
5 A discovery by Justus
von Liebig led to the
founding, in 1902, of
which company in
Burton-upon-Trent?
8 A string of 99 beads, a
misbaha is used to count
prayers by members of
which religion?
9 The title character in
which Dickens novel
has a raven called Grip?
10 In the title of the 2008
Hayao Miyazaki film, what
sort of creature is Ponyo?
13 Which chief god of
Babylon became lord of
the gods of heaven and
earth after conquering
the monster Tiamat?
14 From 1999 to 2017,
which F1 race was
held at the Sepang
International Circuit?
15 Which wrestler
(1946-93) is pictured?
Answers on page 15
Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the
spaces so that the number in each
circle is equal to the sum of the four
surrounding spaces, and each colour
total is correct
The Times Quick Cryptic No 1093 by Hurley
1
2
3
7
4
9
11
12
13
15
22
6
8
10
18
5
16
19
14
17
20
21
Across
7 A daughter taking long time to
see truism (5)
8 Half of scheme ignored by
artist — extremely lurid colour
(7)
10 Main feature of German city
church (7)
11 Aides with name for island
mountains (5)
12 Catty set I abandoned in Rome
once (4-5)
14 It’s nailed low down (3)
15 Shelter wrapped in fleece (3)
16 One profiting illegally from
tennis equipment and beers
uncovered (9)
18 Some fun duenna finds
excessive (5)
20 Expose firm: note result (7)
22 US city jeans so fancy (3,4)
23 Hundred have high opinion of
old car (5)
2
3
4
5
6
9
13
14
17
19
21
Visible from Veronica’s settee,
container for recording (8)
Clergyman’s article located in
study (4)
Information on girl in Swiss
city (6)
Middle Easterner seen — able,
flexible (8)
Monsieur with help, servant
(4)
Potential heir ends date with
lower expectations? (12)
Buildings expert certain to
include volume Roy brought
up (8)
Not drinking alcohol, Peg to
speak briefly (8)
Exclamation of admiration
about fine English stove (6)
Starts to drizzle awfully, new
kit wet (4)
Friar’s sweets for
schoolchildren? (4)
23
Down
1 Paintings sale row — court
involved (12)
Yesterday’s solution on page 15
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