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Love Languages

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Love Languages
• Where’s Mike?
• Who am I?
• Who are we?
Coming Up
• TODAY – Complete Mentee Applications, if interested
• March 29th – “The Tempter’s Trap – The Story of
David and Bathsheba – and How to Avoid an Affair in
your Marriage”
• April 3-5 Couples Retreat
Colorado Springs Glen Eryie Retreat Center
– donors needed for underwriting and scholarships
• April 12th-- Easter, no class
Fiddler’s Green Amphitheater at 10 AM
• May 17th, Chapel class at 10:45 (no 9 AM)
annual picnic on the grounds follows
• New couples
• Prayer
Before the Wedding
• Think back...
– Prior to dating / “the pursuit”
– Dating and courtship
• Your primary goal was to make him/her
feel loved
– Spending time together, giving gifts,
compliments and flattery, holding the door,
back rubs and holding hands, etc.
What Happens after the Marriage?
• Lack of effort to show love
• or, efforts go unnoticed, unappreciated – why?
• Along with our other personality differences, it’s
very likely we also give and receive love in
different ways.
We need to understand our spouse’s
primary way of receiving love.
Concept of the Love Tank
• Running on Empty
– Feeling unloved
– Emotionally distant from your spouse
• Full Tank
– Feeling loved
– Emotional intimacy
Choose to take charge of
your spouse’s love tank!
Love Languages Survey
1st part only
The 5 Love Languages
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
• You desire to spend time with your spouse focusing your
attention on each other. This involves quality conversation,
sharing thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly
uninterrupted context.
• Your love tank is refilled when you exchange dialogue that is
meaningful and insightful.
• You feel “disconnected” from your spouse when you go a
period of time without quality time.
John 2:12 – Jesus leaves after a wedding at Cana to spend
quality time with his mother, brothers and disciples
Quality Time
How to:
• Be a student of your spouse.
• Shared activities are an important part
of QT. Place the emphasis on why
you’re doing the activity, not what the
activity is.
- at least one of you wants to do it,
- the other is willing to do it,
- both of you know why you are doing it - to express
love by being together.
• Communicate that you care about your
spouse, that you enjoy being with
him/her, that you like to do things
Quality Time
Some practical tips:
1. Maintain eye contact when your
spouse is talking.
2. Observe body language.
3. Refuse to interrupt.
4. No distractions!
Quality conversation requires sympathetic listening
but also self-revelation.
Physical Touch
• No, it’s not just sex
• It includes any type of touching that makes
you/your spouse feel secure and loved
– Holding Hands
– Hugging
– Kissing
– Backrub
– Running your fingers through their hair
– And, yes….sex
Physical Touch
“ �I tell you the truth, anyone who will not
receive the kingdom of God like a little
child will never enter it.’ And He took the
children in his arms, put his hands on
them and blessed them” Mark 10:15-16
Physical Touch
How to:
• As you walk from the car to the store, reach out and
hold your spouses hand.
• When many friends & family are over, touch your
spouse in their presence. It says, “Even with all of
these people here, I still see you”
• When your spouse is seated, walk up behind them
and initiate a shoulder massage.
• While sitting together in church, when the pastor calls
for prayer, reach over and hold your spouse’s hand.
• Riding down the road together, reach over & touch
your spouse on the leg, stomach, arm, hand, or..…If
they say “stop!” by all means put on the brakes!
Receiving Gifts
– If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure
any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who
speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents
a lack of love from their mate.
Types of Gift Giving
Just Because: I saw this and thought of you.
Favorites: I picked up your favorite ice cream on my way home.
Souvenir: I missed you while we were apart.
Special Occasion: I have the perfect gift to honor you this day.
Yourself: I will give you my time and attention and share about
my day.
Scripture: Matthew 2:11
After birth of Jesus… “Then they opened their treasures and
presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh.”
Receiving Gifts
How to:
• The Budget
– It’s an investment in the thing most valuable to you – your marriage.
– Sacrificially set aside more from personal spending.
• Getting Started, No Ideas?
– Ask your spouse.
– Seek input from others who know your spouse’s tastes.
• To the Recipient
– Value is in the eye of the beholder, however, you must consider the
giver’s intent and choose to orient your thinking to value the love
demonstrated by the giver. Practice makes perfect.
Acts of Service
• Simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression
of love.
• Requires some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.
• It is very important to understand what acts of service your spouse
most appreciates.
• Learn your spouse’s dialect.
• It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not
• Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the
• Indicator that you are Acts of Service – Do you often get frustrated
with your spouse’s failure to do things for you?
Scripture: John 13: 3 – 17 Jesus washes his disciples’ feet.
Acts of Service
How to:
• Seek specifics from your spouse on a few new tasks they desire of
you and do exactly as instructed.
• Choose 3 humble tasks that you don’t especially like, but know your
spouse would appreciate – surprise your spouse by doing them!
• Discuss stereotypic gender roles with your spouse. Understand
expectations that they might have.
• Remember some acts of service you performed for each other
during courtship – see if your relationship can be rekindled by
serving one another that way again.
• Practical examples:
- Do the laundry
- Take out the trash
- Walk the dog
- Fill up car with gas
- Change Diapers
- Clean Bathrooms
- Make a meal
- Offer to get a drink when you get up
Words of Affirmation
• Words of affirmation are verbal compliments, encouragements, and
words of appreciation.
• Words of affirmation are best expressed in simple, straight-forward
statements of affirmation, such as :
"You look great in that outfit"
"I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight"
"Thank you for taking the trash out”
"I am so proud of you for working hard to provide for us”
• Proverbs 18: 21 says " The tongue has the power of life and death, and
those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Proverbs 12: 25 says "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind
word cheers him up."
Words of Affirmation
How to:
Words of affirmation can be separated into 3 main groupings:
1. Encouraging words -- compliment a strength of your spouse
-- Words may reinforce a difficult decision.
-- Words may call attention to progress made.
-- Acknowledging your spouses unique perspective on an important topic.
2. Kind Words -- the way in which words are spoken
-- Controlling your tone of voice (attitude, actions, and sarcasm).
-- Not being Judgmental (bringing up past wrongs, focused on failures).
3. Humble Words --- Make sure you speak with requests- Not demands
-- Requesting affirms your spouses abilities and are heard with a tone of
suggestions and guidance.
-- Demanding belittles your spouse and makes you a tyrant... Demands are
heard as ultimatums and threats.
Words of Affirmation
What does this look like in my marriage?
If your spouse feels loved with "Words of Affirmation" , then speaking verbal
appreciation will do volumes for their love bank. Offering encouragement to
them can even help them overcome insecurities and develop greater
How do I start?
Look for your spouses strengths and tell them how much you appreciate those
strengths---Chances are they will work hard to live up to their reputation
Remember that choosing to speak your spouses love language takes
conscious effort:
- Say positive, encouraging things about your spouse to their face and to other
people (including children if you have any)
- If it is hard to say aloud at first, write down the words of affirmation and give to
your spouse, or give a card with underlined parts that had meaning to you
Love Languages Survey
2nd Part
Personal Perspectives
• Cottrells’ Testimony
• Byars’ Testimony
How can your spouse fill your love tank?
When you speak your spouses' love
languages... you create intimacy,
you can heal wounds, and help your
spouse reach their full potential (as
well as helping you reach yours)!
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